Big Blogger - Open House
Voice Over (Mike): Welcome to Big Blogger 2006 – ‘Open House’. Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!
[Audience goes crazy.]
Feral: Thanks Mike. Hello everyone! Welcome to the first episode of what promises to be an exciting experiment in online reality TV. This is Big Blogger!
[Audience goes wild.]
Yes, this is the first time we’ve run an entire series online, so please remember to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in.
[Audience goes quiet while it tries to make sense of this simple request. Pause. Audience gives up trying to think and goes absolutely bonkers instead.]
Let’s meet the Housemates!
[The audience’s screams get even louder.]
[Cut to video footage]
TOBYtoby: I’m a pretty clever guy. I know lots of words; some of them have as many as four syllables. Sometimes my friends tell me I’m so smart I could do anything I want. Well, I want to win Big Blogger.
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: Please welcome Housemate Number One, TOBYtoby!
[Audience goes so nuts, two teenage girls collapse. No one notices.]
TOBYtoby: [Entering] Hi Feral, hi everyone! [Waves.] You look lovely tonight, Feral.
Feral: Well, aren’t you the charmer! How old are you, TOBYtoby?
TOBYtoby: I’m 31, Feral.
Feral: And what do you do for a living?
TOBYtoby: I work in the Technology industry, and I consider myself a bit of an android.
Feral: An android? What are you, made of metal?
[Audience falls about laughing.]
TOBYtoby: No, I just do technological stuff, you know …
Feral: Fascinating. Well, the House awaits. Off you go. Ladies and gentlemen: TOBYtoby!
[Audience cheers TOBYtoby like he’s a rock legend as he jumps on a golf buggy and is driven off the set.]
Feral: Well, that’s one down; eleven to go. Let’s meet our second Housemate. She’s lean, she’s mean, and she’s very, very keen.
[Cut to video footage]
LittleFaerieGirl: I’ve had a lot of stuff happen to me in my life, and I’m all-the-stronger for it. I know I can take on any of the other punks in the Big Blogger House, so bring it on!
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: Whoa! Let’s meet her, it’s Housemate Number Two, LittleFaerieGirl!
[Audience goes ballistic.]
LittleFaerieGirl: [Entering] Hello! [Waves at audience and giggles. To Feral:] Wow, you look gorgeous!
Feral: Thank you! You look lovely, too. Tell us a bit about yourself.
LittleFaerieGirl: Um, I’m single, I have two beautiful boys, and I’m bisexual.
[Audience goes absolutely troppo, like it knows something’s going to happen.]
Feral: You’re bisexual?
LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah – isn’t every girl on some level, Feral?
Feral: Well, I don’t know about that! You think they are?
LittleFaerieGirl: Oh yeah. And I’ll kiss anything that moves.
[Audience cheers as if this is the most admirable quality in the world. LittleFaerieGirl laughs and waves like she’s the Queen of Sheeba.]
Feral: Well you’ll certainly be one to watch on Adults Only. Off you go, into the House.
[Audience cheers LittleFaerieGirl even more than they cheered for TOBYtoby (probably because he wasn’t a hot babe promising bisexual snogging). She waves and giggles again before getting on the golf buggy and being driven off the set.]
Feral: Okay, it’s time to meet our next Housemate.
[Cut to video footage]
Javatari: I’m skilled in all forms of martial arts, and I’m also a highly-skilled magician, so if anyone annoys me too much in the House, I’ll snap their legs in four places and make their hankies disappear before they have a chance to blink. I’m gonna stir up so much trouble you won’t believe it!
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: Uh-oh, this could be trouble. Please welcome Housemate Number Three, Javatari!
[Audience goes ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’.]
Javatari: [Entering] Shazam! [Doves fly out of his trouser legs. The audience is impressed, and they clap to prove it, because this is the only currency they know. To Feral:] Your dress sense is to be commended, Ms Killmen.
Feral: Why thank you, Javatari. So you’re into magic, are you?
Javatari: That is correct. However, this is a point that has already been established in my video introduction. I believe you will need to pay more attention to the pre-recorded packages in future if you intend to hold down this job.
[Audience laughs because they think he’s joking. He glares at them and they shut up.]
Feral: So how old are you, Javatari?
Javatari: Age is but a number. It is of no consequence to me.
Feral: It’s a number that’s of consequence to me, though.
Javatari: In that case, I am one score and ten years of age.
Feral: You’re a wild one, aren’t you!
[Audience laughs desperately.]
Javatari: May you taste nothing but newt eyes for the rest of the evening.
Feral: And also to you. Everyone, Javatari’s heading into the House now.
[Audience cheers Javatari; he ignores the golf buggy, and instead swings his cape around in front of him. There is a bang, a puff of smoke, and he is gone. The audience goes mad with heartfelt cheers. Most of the front row is now frothing at the mouth.]
Feral: That’s only three of our twelve Housemates, so let’s see who’s next.
[Cut to video footage]
Steph: I really don’t mind what happens to me in the House, as long as I get to share my time in there with a couple of spunks and a lot of alcohol. I reckon I can win Big Blogger this year, especially if everyone else loses.
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: Here she comes, the blonde bombshell. Housemate Number Four, Steph!
[Audience starts w00ting.]
Steph: [Entering] Hey there! [Waves at audience.] Hi Feral, I’m so excited to meet you; you’re like a total idol of mine.
Feral: Really? You’ve got to raise your standards.
[Audience laughs heartily because they know she’s joking.]
Steph: No, I think everything you do is just the best.
Feral: Too true, too true. So tell me, how old are you?
Steph: I’m 24.
Feral: You’re just 24? You sound so wise!
Steph: Thank you, Feral. I got educated really good. Oooh, oooh! Can I say hi to Jobe? I know he’s watching and he really loves me a lot.
Feral: You’re single, though, aren’t you, Steph? You had to be single to get onto Big Blogger this year.
[Pause. Audience starts to suspect something is up. They go ‘ooooooooh’ in that really annoying and corny way audiences have of doing stuff like that.]
Steph: Nah, I’m just kidding with ya, Feral. I’m single alright – Jobe just wishes!
[Audience laughs like they know all about it.]
Feral: Oh good. Well, good luck to you, Steph. If you’d care to jump on the back of that golf buggy, you’ll be taken down to the Big Blogger House straight away.
[Audience cheers as Steph mounts the golf buggy (in a very lady-like way) and is driven off the set.]
Feral: Okay, that’s four, let’s meet number five.
[Cut to video footage]
Clokeeeey: Some people say I can’t take criticism, but they’re just stupid poo-heads. What will I bring to the House? This. [Holds up black-and-white striped beanie.] GO THE PIES! Collingwood’s going to win the Premiership this year! Yay! Woooo!
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: I dread to think what he’ll be wearing, but let’s bring him out here: It’s Housemate Number Five, Clokeeeey!
[Audience erupts into boos and jeers, with a few loyal Magpies supporters singing the Collingwood Football Club anthem.]
Clokeeeey: [Entering, completely in black-and-white regalia] GO THE MAGGIES! [Fists in the air.]
Joffa: [From the crowd.] You go, son!
Clokeeeey: Woooo! Hi Feral, woooo! Nice outfit. Shame it’s not black and white.
Feral: It sounds like you’ve got a loyal following already!
[Audience cheers for no apparent reason.]
Clokeeeey: I think it’s ‘cos I’m wearin’ black and white, Feral.
[Audience remembers that they were booing and jeering a moment and go and starts doing so again.]
Feral: I don’t know if it is. Anyway, you’re not going to be going on about Collingwood the whole time you’re in the House, are you?
Clokeeeey: Probably not.
Feral: You realise you can’t watch any games or find out the scores, right?
Clokeeeey: What? For how many weeks?
Feral: All of them.
Clokeeeey: Even the Grand Final?
Feral: Don’t worry, I have a sneaking suspicion you’ll be out of the House well before the Grand Final.
[Audience laughs because they’re in on Feral’s little joke.]
Clokeeeey: [Who isn’t.] That’s a relief.
Feral: Okay then. All the best, Clokeeeey. I hope you enjoy yourself. [She points to the waiting golf buggy.]
[Audience cheers as Clokeeeey jumps excitedly on the back of the golf buggy, his exuberance once more returned, and waves his football scarf in the air as he is driven off the set.]
Feral: Hang in there, we’re just about half-way through now. It won’t be long and we’ll be seeing the Housemates enter the House. But first, we have to meet our sixth Housemate.
[Cut to video footage]
No Dramas: I’m quite lovely, I’m easy-going, I’m a happy kind of person … I think I’m going to get along really well with the other people in the House. As long as they’re nice to me. Otherwise, there’ll be dramas alright!
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: Watch out for this one! Let’s meet her – it’s Housemate Number Six, No Dramas!
[Audience applauds so hard their hands bleed.]
No Dramas: [Entering] Hello! [Waves and looks kind of sheepish.] Hi Feral, how are you? You look stunning!
Feral: Thank you! I’m well, I’m well – how are you?
[Audience laughs at Feral’s joke and then stop when they realise she wasn’t making one.]
No Dramas: I’m very nervous. Excited but nervous. I’m definitely excited. But I’m definitely nervous too. I’m more excited than nervous. But I’m pretty nervous.
[Audience laughs non-threateningly.]
Feral: Are you sure?
No Dramas: Um. Yes. [Then whispers:] I’m really nervous.
[Audience laughs again; this time a little more threateningly. She’s losing them.]
Feral: You realise you’re already mic’ed up?
[Audience slaps its collective knee with laughter.]
No Dramas: Am I?
[Audience tries to catch its collective breath as its wipes a collective tear from its collective eye from all the crazy laughter.]
Feral: Tell us a bit about yourself, No Dramas.
No Dramas: Well, there’s not much to say. I haven’t got an ‘About Me’ page on my blog, so you pretty-much have to glean what you can from my actual posts.
Feral: I see, sounds like you’re not exactly an open book.
No Dramas: Oh, I’m certainly not a closed book. I’m just a regular book.
[Audience is stunned by this confession. It can only deal with literal statements.]
Feral: [Picking up on the dwindling vibe.] Let’s hear it for No Dramas!
[Immediately, the audience is once again a cheering, yelping mass of flailing limbs and grinning faces, their earlier confusion completely forgotten. No Dramas realises she has nothing to worry about if this is the voting public. She climbs on to a golf buggy and waves politely as she is driven off stage.]
Feral: There she goes … and now it’s time to meet our seventh contestant.
[Cut to video footage]
Tyson: Sometimes I wonder where I get all the time to perform in plays and write stuff and work on websites … and then I remember that I’m an Arts student. I’m actually quite an experienced actor, so I reckon it’s gonna be a cinch to win Big Blogger. Just let me at ‘em!
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: [Laughing with the audience, possibly over something that happened in the studio while we were watching the video] Would you please welcome Housemate Number Seven, Tyson!
[Audience applauds with so much enthusiasm that someone loses an eye.]
Tyson: [Entering] G’day people. G’day Feral. You look sexy in that outfit!
Feral: Hello Tyson, thank you. I hear in my earpiece … Big Blogger is telling me … he’s saying that you’re currently acting in a stage show. Did you let them know you were entering the Big Blogger House tonight?
Tyson: Well, your producers told me I couldn’t tell anyone.
Feral: That’s right, but they’ll need to know why you don’t turn up to the show tomorrow night, surely?
Tyson: I reckon they’ll have worked it out by then, Feral. I’m meant to be in the opening scene for tonight’s performance, too. [Checks his watch.] They’re due to be going on stage right about now, actually.
Feral: Wow, you’re not worried about what they’re doing in your absence?
Tyson: Not really. They’re all a bunch of tossers anyway.
[Audience laughs long and hard – it’s funny because it’s true.]
Feral: Well, I wish you all the luck in the world. Both inside the House, and between you and your theatre company when you eventually get out again.
Tyson: Thanks Feral. Can I have a hug? I really admire your work.
Feral: Uh, sure. [Awkward hug ensues.] That’ll do, Tyson. [He reluctantly breaks the hug.] Off you go; into the House. That’s Tyson, ladies and gentlemen.
[Audience cheers as Tyson gets on the nearby golf buggy and is driven off the stage.]
Feral: Okay, next up is another actor. You may recognise her from her work on the recent Red Cross TV commercial.
[Cut to video footage]
Magical_M: If you were to come up to me on the street, you’d probably think I’m pretty hot. But that’s definitely ‘hottt’ with a triple ‘T’. There’s no way I’m not going to win Big Blogger. I can be bitchy when I want to be, but I’m also really intelligent and will know just how to ‘play’ the other Housemates.
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: Here she is – Housemate Number Eight, Magical_M!
[Audience hoots and guffaws as Magical_M walks on stage and waves at them.]
Magical_M: Hi! Hello Feral, phoarr, you’re looking great tonight!
Feral: Thank you, I know. Are you feeling confident about going into the Big Blogger House?
Magical_M: Oh yeah, it’s gonna be heaps fun!
Feral: Why do you say that? Aren’t you worried about being evicted?
Magical_M: No way. The audience is going to love me!
[Audience loses control of itself in an effort to show that it loves her.]
Feral: They certainly do seem to love you. Tell me, how old are you?
Magical_M: A woman’s age is her business.
Feral: So how long have you been in business?
Magical_M: Just on 35 years now. It was my birthday last week!
[Audience doubles its efforts to prove to their new best friend how happy this news makes them.]
Feral: Congratulations! What a great birthday present. Being sent into the Big Blogger House, where you could end up winning the major prize!
Magical_M: I know, it’s so exciting.
Feral: Well, I’ll let you go. I wish you the best of luck, okay?
Magical_M: Okay, thanks Feral. Bye everyone!
[The audience cheers so loudly as Magical_M departs the stage by golf buggy that a fire breaks out towards the back. It is quickly extinguished by throwing small children onto the flames.]
Feral: There aren’t too many left, now. Let’s meet our ninth contestant.
[Cut to video footage]
John Surname: Have you ever watched a group of people and wondered which one likes to cook and clean and tidy up after everyone else? Well, that guy is me. Other peoples’ mess really drives me insane. I hope I’m not put in the House with a bunch of pigs.
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: I think someone’s in for a rude shock, and it’s Housemate Number Nine, John Surname!
[Audience ‘cuts sick’, as the kids say these days.]
John Surname: [Entering, addressing audience over their screams] Hi! Hello. Hi. [To Feral:] How are ya? You look fabulous!
Feral: Thanks! I’m very good, thanks. Now tell me, John Surname, what do you do for a living?
John Surname: I’m a fashion designer.
Feral: [Incredulous] Really?!
John Surname: That’s what it says on my profile page, … although I think I may be joking.
Feral: Maybe not; you look like you could be a fashion designer.
[Camera shot widens to show that John Surname is wearing pink taffeta with silver sequins. Audience rolls around on the floor laughing, holding their sides for fear that they will split.]
John Surname: What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?
Feral: Nothing at all. If you’re me. Now, listen: Do you think you can win Big Blogger?
John Surname: I reckon anything’s possible in this game, Feral. The readers are the ones who ultimately decide the winner, and I reckon they’re a pretty impressive bunch.
[Audience falls into fits of rapturous applause by way of agreement.]
Feral: You’ve certainly won a legion of fans with that statement.
John Surname: That was the plan, Feral. That was the plan.
Feral: Okay, John Surname, this is your moment. It’s time to go into the House. Give him a hand as he makes his way off stage.
[Audience goes bananas (even though they cost so much these days) as John Surname climbs on board the waiting golf buggy and is driven off the stage.]
Feral: We’re down to our final three Housemates now, so let’s meet number ten.
[Cut to video footage]
MelbourneGirl: I’m not going to mother anybody. There’s no <BEEP>ing way I’m going to <BEEP>ing mother anybody. I’m here to <BEEP>ing win this game, not to <BEEP>ing <BEEP> the <BEEP> <BEEP> <BEEEEEEEEEEP>s who just <BEEP> the <BEEP> <BEEP>.
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: Goodness me! She certainly speaks her mind! Let’s get her out here. Housemate Number Ten, MelbourneGirl!
[Audience goes into convulsions.]
MelbourneGirl: [Entering] Hi Feral, Boy, you look <BEEP>ing amazing!
Feral: Thank you, MG. May I call you MG?
MelbourneGirl: Sure. Why the <BEEP> not.
Feral: You realise this is a family show, right?
MelbourneGirl: <BEEP>.
Feral: Good. Well, we may have to leave it there. Give her a hand, folks!
[Audience drops acid and cheers MelbourneGirl as her golf buggy drives her off the stage.]
Feral: This is getting really interesting. Let’s see who’s next.
[Cut to video footage]
Gav: My name is Gav. That’s all I know for sure. Am I looking for love in the Big Blogger House? Sure. If there’s anyone in there I find attractive, I’m certainly up for having a crack. Who knows where it might lead?
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
[Audience is doing that annoying ‘ahhhhhh’ thing.]
Feral: Let’s get to know him better, Housemate Number Eleven, Gav!
[Audience high-fives itself with excitement.]
Gav: [Entering] Hello everyone! Wow, Feral – you look really sexy!
Feral: Calm down, loverboy – I’m not open for inspection.
[The audience just loves Feral’s wit.]
Feral: So you’re hoping to find love in the House?
Gav: Absolutely. If it’s there to be found, why not?
Feral: That’s really sweet. I think you’re gonna be eaten up, one way or another.
Gav: I just have to hope for the best, Feral.
Feral: Don’t we all.
[As one, the audience yells, “You tell it, sister!”]
Feral: I won’t hold you up any further, then. Hop on that golf buggy and your journey will begin.
[Audience members cry out in anguish as their newly-beloved Gav is ripped asunder from their bosom … as Gav is driven off the stage.]
Feral: Last one! Let’s meet her!
[Cut to video footage]
Audrey & The Bad Apples: I’m so excited to be going into the House – this has been a massive experience for me already, and I look forward to learning heaps more about myself as the game goes on.
[Cut back to Feral on the stage]
Feral: Okay, it’s our final Housemate for 2006 … Housemate Number Twelve, Audrey & The Bad Apples!
[Audience does something. I missed what it was, exactly.]
Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Entering] Hey there! Oh my goodness, Feral. You look beautiful.
Feral: Thanks, Audrey & The Bad Apples. Now, you’re a last-minute replacement Housemate, aren’t you.
Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, I only found out I was going in, two days ago.
Feral: That’s right. We had another Housemate, Gina, all lined up, but she got glandular fever and ran away crying like a baby. But it’s good news for you!
Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, I’m really grateful for the opportunity.
Feral: What do you hope to get out of your Big Blogger experience?
Audrey & The Bad Apples: Well, ideally, I’d love to get an acting job on Neighbours.
Feral: Really? Are you a big Neighbours fan?
Audrey & The Bad Apples: Nah, I’ve never even seen an episode, but it sounds like fun.
Feral: Fair enough. Well, into the House with you.
[All audience members wet their pants because they’re too busy cheering Audrey & The Bad Apples to notice. Audrey & The Bad Apples’ golf buggy takes her off stage.]
Feral: Well, there they all are. And now, as Audrey & The Bad Apples is driven to the door of the Big Blogger House, let’s take a look inside to see what’s going on.
[Audience cheers at their first glimpse of the 2006 House, complete with spa, sauna, gym and punishment room. Javatari walks in from the bedroom, where he has been giving himself his own tour since arriving in the House in a puff of smoke earlier. The Diary Room’s doors open and all Housemates (other than Gav and Audrey & The Bad Apples) enter. There is much ‘oooh’ing and ‘ahhh’ing as they walk around and see everything, introducing themselves to each other as they go. We spend a few minutes watching their awkward introductions, during which time Gav and finally Audrey & The Bad Apples arrive.]
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The fridge in the kitchen is now open.
Steph: Oooh, I hope there’s a lot of alcohol in there!
[There is. The Housemates begin to serve each other beer, champagne and other drinks as they gradually get to know each other. Javatari is telling MelbourneGirl and No Dramas that he is a magician. Clokeeeey is asking everyone who their favourite football team is. Tyson says Carlton, but laughs at Clokeeeey’s reaction. It appears that he is only kidding. TOBYtoby and Audrey & The Bad Apples immediately start to discuss ‘heavy’ topics like politics and life after death. Magical_M and John Surname are laughing about Feral’s outfit. The camera lingers on Gav, checking Steph out when she isn’t looking.]
[Cut back to Feral in the studio.]
Feral: Well, doesn’t that look interesting! Now; I can tell you that Big Blogger 2006 is chock-full of twists and surprises for you all. The first of which is the prize money: A massive TWO million dollars! The Housemates all think it's just plain ol' boring one million dollars. So don’t miss a minute of the exciting action! If you didn't already know, each episode of Big Blogger will appear under the 'Big Blogger' index in the right-hand sidebar of this blog; you can check for updates there. In the meantime, I’ve been Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where the Open House has closed its doors. Good night!
[Audience attacks the stage in a mad fury for being denied a piece of Feral’s flesh.]
Voice Over (Mike): Tune I next week to see how well the Housemates settled into the House during their first week. Witness the ups, the downs! The fights, the kisses! The first Big Blogger secrets revealed! The first Friday Night Games! And the first Housemates evicted. I’m Mike Goldentonsils … Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.
posted by BEVIS @ 12:14 AM
25 comments
25 Comments:
Remember -- all I ask is that you comment solely on the above post; please refrain from saying (or certainly from suggesting) anything which may (intentionally or inadvertently) 'spoil' potential plot ideas for my upcoming Big Blogger posts.
Thank you.
Keep an eye on the Big Blogger index in my sidebar. One episode per week will most likely be the limit; I'll see if I can stick to Wednesdays, but I'm not promising anything.
:)
That was fantastic, so much more entertaining than the real BB. I can't wait to find out what happens next. Will we get to vote at some point?
I don't think I've ever had doves flying out of my pants before. Once some moths flew out, but that was only because I hadn't opened my fly in a very long time.
Very humourous post Bevis!
I shat myself laughing, and shamefully ruined that pink taffeta number I was wearing ;) Well done!
Very nice, Bevis!
It's like I'm there, yet here, at the same time.
Feral is doing a much better job than Gretel!
Yay for me! I haven't flashed me jubblies yet. :p
Well Done.
Although, I do feel I have been typecast!!
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Go Pies!!
ummm. will this spoil anything if I ask: can I be an intruder?
It won't exactly spoil anything, Sublime-ation, but like Enny, Elaine, Dxxxx and RichardWatts before you (see here), the only answer you will receive is:
"Big Blogger will get back to you."
Everyone else: Thanks for your comments. I'm glad you liked it. :)
i wonder what im doing while everyne else is sitting around talking.
no doubt im off pashing a ninja or something
Oh the suspense, the twists, the dramas, the tension! I am simply athrill with anticipation! Or wait, is that the drugs? Nope, no drugs this week, so it's definately antic............pation! Bring it on, Big Blogger!!
fuck bevis, i don't swear that fucking much do it?
shee-yit!
(i enjoyed it. you go, boyfriend.)
Gosh I cant wait to open my book...and maybe have some drunken pashes.
Javatari, that was like impressive.
GO Big Bloger!!!!
Bevis, you're a genius.
Hello everyone. I thought I'd respond to all your comments individually (as that's my usual practice and I somehow feel that I've "ripped you off" by putting you all in a group and addressing you simply as "everyone else" -- even if you don't care either way!).
Pomgirl, thank you, I strive to ensure that it's far more entertaining than that boring old Aussie BB on the telly. As for the voting, this is something I clearly need to broach because a couple of comments/questions/appeals have been floating around about this.
Basically, I was semi-undecided on how I'd do this until someone pointed me in the direction of an already-existing online Big Blogger. She (for 'tis a she) does her thing differently to how I intend to do things here, so I don't think there's any cause for alarm, but I noticed that she actually takes 'votes' through a somewhat complicated (at least for me) process of logging on to a special system that allows only registered members to vote. I don't want to do anything of the sort (asking you all to jump through hoops might be easier), and even relying on comments left on each post would be expecting too much of everyone (plus, the resulting eviction wouldn't be a surprise if you could all read the votes in the comments).
The alternative to that is having you all send me emails that contain your vote, which would help keep the result a mystery but be asking you to go to even more effort. And without wishing to insult anyone, I don't think that ten or so weeks of constant emailing your votes through to me would maintain your interest. I fear that the whole project would die if it was relying on actual votes. Especially as the fewer people who are left in the House, the fewer people might be interested in following the saga (I hope this isn't the case, but it could end up being how it goes).
The final problem with the voting idea is that the evicted bloggers may feel shunned by their blogging peers, and I don't want anyone to feel bad about being evicted. Especially as we're all friends here and two people have to go in the very next episode I'll be posting!
So my solution? I've cut out twelve pieces of paper and written a different Housemate's name on each piece. I'll draw one out of a hat for each eviction ... and that's the person who will be evicted. I can provide photographic 'proof' (although, to be fair, that probably won't prove much), but I give you my word that it will be completely random and therefore 'fair'.
This means that those who get evicted each week can rest assured it was nothing they did or said on their own blog (or that I fabricated about them here) that caused their sudden departure from the ongoing storyline. No one hates them. And hopefully there'll be no bad blood and they will continue to come back and read how the rest of the 'series' unfolds.
I'm sorry if this procedure upsets anyone, but it's the way I'm going to go with it. I hope you'll all be okay with that.
(Boy that was a long answer! The voting question needed to be addressed properly, though. I'll put this one through and then answer the other comments in a minute.)
Hey Bevis, great work! But buster, YOU asked ME to be in the house so what's with all this last minute replacement business?!?! I don't want the fans to think I was a ring in!
Heh hem.
Also, it's okay if you want to just call me Audrey in the house instead of having to write Audrey and the Bad Apples.
Thank you, Javatari. And welcome, by the way. I think you'll be providing much of the comic relief throughout the series, so hopefully you won't be evicted too soon! Your magical ability will be sure to 'wow' the ladies, though. :)
John Surname, that's a shame. It was such a nice outfit, too. Cheers!
Tyson, thanks for that. I know what you mean about Feral. I originally planned to lampoon Gretel mercilessly, but ended up making her quite the sane one, didn't I! Oh well, maybe her sanity will decrease as the series wears on (and wears her down).
Steph, I'm glad you're feeling proud of yourself. Of course, you only really had a few minutes' "screen time" (computer screen time, that is), so you'd have to be pretty skanky if you expected to strip off in just a few mi... oh, I see your point. Well done. :)
Clokeeeey, I tell it like it is. Hehe. Thanks.
Sublime-ation, I've already answered your question in an earlier comment, but hello to you anyway. :)
BEVIS, stop talking to yourself.
LittleFaerieGirl, ahh - but did I overlook you, or do I have something special planned for what you're doing?? (Answer: I overlooked you, sorry!) I did a head-count and came out at twelve, but I think I must have counted someone else twice. Sorry about that! (It was very late when I was finishing it off.) I promise to make it up to you in the next post. In fact, if you promise not to mention this oversight again, I will write something into the opening minutes of the show to explain your absense from those few moments. And then we can "tra-la-la", pretending that nothing was ever amiss. Deal? (I know this 'deal' only benefits me, but you don't want to upset Big Blogger.)
Gav, you're not the only one who thinks so! (Oh, wait. Yes you are.)
RichardWatts, I owe you a debt of gratitude, you know. It was when I was replying to one of your comments earlier in the week that I first came up with this concept. Back where I had you talking to Big Brother and proving his stupidity. That was the 'germination' of this whole Big Blogger idea. I haven't forgotten that and will make it up to you. THAT IS ALL I WILL SAY ABOUT THAT. Anyway, I'm glad you were so 'captivated', and I recommend staying off the drugs.
MelbourneGirl, this is a family blog. Kindly censor yourself in future. (I just say it like it is.) I wanted to reply to your comment by saying, "MelbourneGirl: For calling Big Blogger 'boyfriend', that's a five thousand dollar fine," but then there'd be an uproar about who was calling whom what and when, and I don't want to open these comments up to fines (or I'll never stop fining people!). But I wanted you to know the comeback I was considering. :) Because I value your opinion.
No Dramas, yes -- it looks like it might be a good one (your book, that is), going from what I've got written so far in draft! Thank you.
Tammiodo, that would be my favourite comment ever, due to its simplicity, honesty and accuracy. :) Cheers!
Audrey, it was just the thing I was saving for whoever was introduced last (and it fell to you, by a random drawing of names). My little gag about Gina, the missing Housemate from the real Aussie BB06 series. As for your name, it's no trouble to me, and I'm finding it quietly amusing to include the full name. Anyway, it's a simple copy-and-paste job, so it doesn't matter. (Plus, I'm working up to something. Shh!)
I love that I'm the hot one in the house.
Guess this means I'll be getting a lot of spa action.
Comic relief eh? Well people tend to laugh AT me in real life too, so I can live with that. Must be the cape that I wear.
I like the eviction system and if you happen to see a ninja creeping out of your house tonight with what looks like a piece of paper with the word 'Javatari' written on it....just ignore him.
So umm....when does the drunken spa pashing start??? :)
Magical_M, I knew you'd love that. :) And yes, maybe it does ... maybe it does ...
Javatari, it's certainly the cape that gives it away. Hehe. And you may live to regret your support of my 'voting' procedure.
Remember, people: Two Housemates are being evicted this coming week! It could be anyone and I hope no one will be too disappointed.
Dxxxx, thanks! I've half-written the next episode (which means, yes ... I know who's being evicted and am writing the episode accordingly), so if all goes well it should be up on Wednesday.
No Dramas: Soon, my hormone-saturated friend; very soon. :)
It won't be too grotty, though. That's just not who I am.
Hi Bevis,
Why not come along and check out the real Big Blogger Cyberhouse some time?
http://bigblogger2.blogspot.com/
I hope to see you there.
HooRoo
Rebecca (aka Big Blogger)
Thanks, Rebecca. And welcome! I've been over there a couple of times since someone pointed it out to me (clearly I didn't know about your version beforehand). However, as I've said, our ideas (although parodying the same source) are pretty different in execution, so it's all good.
I wish you all the best with your BB House. You've clearly spent a lot of time working it all out, and it makes for a great read! :) Cheers.
Well.. I s'pose i'll just wait for the call to be an intruder...?
"Big Blogger will get back to you."
PS - Welcome, Mars!
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