Big Blogger - Intruder Special

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience golf-claps.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody!

[Audience throws golf clubs.]

Feral: Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – Intruder Special! That’s right, tonight we’re sending in not one, not two, not four, not five, but six – that’s right – THREE Intruders!

[Audience reacts in shock, even though they’ve been looking at the words ‘Intruder Special’ on the TV screens in the studio for the past half hour.]

Feral: Naturally, the Housemates have no idea that this is about to happen. In fact they’re all sitting around having dinner at the moment, so let’s pop over there for a quick look.

[Cut to the House. The Housemates are seated around the dining room table.]

Gav: And the farmer said, “But I don’t have a daughter!”

[The Housemates break up into raucous laughter. Tyson and Magical_M even fall off their chairs as the whole group laughs and laughs and laughs. This goes on for some time, and the audience begins to laugh with them, due to the infectious nature of uncontrollable laughter. Some of the Housemates laugh so much they have tears running down their faces. Gav is loving the reaction his joke has received. Magical_M sits up again on her chair.]

Magical_M: [Through her tears of laughter] That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard!!

Steph: “Daughter!” That’s hilarious!!

Gav: [Beaming at her] I know!!

TOBYtoby: Ah, man – you gotta tell that one again, that was brilliant!

LittleFaerieGirl: I’m never gonna look at a farmer the same way again!

[They all explode into further fits of laughter. Tyson is still on the floor, beating his fists on the ground as he continues to roll around laughing.]

MelbourneGirl: I can’t wait to tell Clokeeeey that one! He’ll love it!

Javatari: Indeed, I too find it extremely amusing. And I don’t even get it.

[The Housemates renew their laughing fits once more.]

[Cut back to Feral on the stage. The audience is still giggling in bemusement at the Housemates’ behaviour. Feral herself is amused at what we’ve just seen.]

Feral: O-kaaaaay, I don’t know what the joke was, but it certainly sounds like a funny one! So you can see there that Intruders are the last thing on the Housemates’ minds tonight. But we’re about to burst their little bubble by throwing three volatile personalities into the mix. I wonder if they’ll still be laughing this time tomorrow!

[She turns to face another camera as if the previous one has extended its usefulness.]

Feral: So it’s time to meet our first Intruder. She’s a feisty girl with attitude, and she’s ready to take on the House.

[Cut to video footage.]

Tammiodo: Well, I’ve been watching the Housemates these first two weeks, and I reckon they’re a bit too relaxed. A bit too comfortable. So I’m gonna go in there and ROCK THEIR WORLD!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage.]

Feral: Whoa! Them’s fightin’ words! Please make her feel welcome as she joins me on stage, it’s Intruder Number One, Tammiodo!

[Audience cheers like this is what they came here for, which of course it is.]

Tammiodo: [Entering] Hi! [Waves at audience. To Feral:] Boy, you look fabulous, Feral!

Feral: Oh thank you. How are you feeling?

Tammiodo: Oh, man. I’m pumped.

Feral: You’re pumped?

Tammiodo: Yeah, I’m ready. Let me at ‘em!

[Audience laughs nervously. Is this new woman a psycho nutbag who’s going to hurt the other Housemates?]

Feral: How old are you, Tammiodo?

Tammiodo: I’m 22, nearly 23. You might as well say 23, my birthday’s less than a month away. I might get to turn 23 in the House!! [She jumps up and down in excitement, and the audience roars its encouragement to this little firecracker.]

Feral: My, you’re a bundle of energy, aren’t you!

Tammiodo: Yeah! The House is too quiet and reserved, Feral. They need some action, some controversy, some angst.

Feral: And it sounds like you’re just the person to bring those things to the House!

Tammiodo: I reckon!

Feral: So do you have a game plan for causing all this destruction you have planned?

Tammiodo: Nah, not really. I’m just going to go in there and have a good time, but I won’t be taking <BEEP> from nobody!

Feral: Haha, fair enough. Well, we might get you to go with our friendly Ninjas now so you can enter the House and start the mayhem.

Tammiodo: Okay, cool.

Feral: Have a great time, and good luck!

Tammiodo: Bye! [Waves at the audience as a Ninja takes her by the arms and directs her off stage.]

[Audience screams for Tammiodo, their new best friend.]

Feral: Wow, we’re off to a good start! Let’s have a look at who’s next.

[Cut to video footage.]

RichardWatts: My only regret going into the House at this point in the game is that John Surname isn’t in there anymore. I reckon I could have changed his mind about his little ‘revelation’. Yeah, I’m out and proud. And I’m looking to convert someone!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage.]

[Audience is going ‘Wooooo!’, even though that doesn’t really fit the moment.]

Feral: Sounds like this is going to be very interesting! Let’s say hello to Intruder Number Two, RichardWatts!

[Audience gives a giant wolf-whistle as RichardWatts appears on stage waving.]

RichardWatts: Yeah!! [He raises his arms in the air and cheers himself and the crowd; he is clearly very happy to be here.]

Feral: Hello, welcome!

RichardWatts: Hi Feral! My, you look divine! Who made your dress?

Feral: It’s a French designer, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of them. Very elite.

RichardWatts: Target?

Feral: Yup. But only when pronounced correctly.

RichardWatts: Well, you look delightful in it, darling!

Feral: Thank you! Hey, enough about me, let’s talk about you!

RichardWatts: Oooh! My favourite subject!

[Audience laughs, but things are moving too quickly for them. They’re still laughing at the notion that Feral said the words, “enough about me”.]

Feral: So what do you do for a living?

RichardWatts: I’m in community media.

Feral: I see! That sounds like you work for a local newspaper or radio station.

RichardWatts: It could be, it could be …

Feral: But you’re not going to say?

RichardWatts: A man’s gotta keep some things a mystery, Feral.

[Audience laughs; this time at RichardWatts’ “my favourite subject” comment from a few moments ago.]

Feral: Oh, true, true. Now tell me, do you think you can win Big Blogger?

RichardWatts: Well, I’m going in there, so I think it’s worth a shot! The public’s gonna love me and hopefully the prizes will improve as the weeks go on!

Feral: Now you know you can’t mention anything you’ve read about the show over the past two weeks to the Housemates?

RichardWatts: Yeah, they’ve been making that painfully obvious to me backstage.

Feral: Sounds intriguing! [Raises eyebrows suggestively.]

RichardWatts: [Mock camp] Ooh-la-la!

[Audience chuckles … at Feral’s earlier remark about RichardWatts working for a local newspaper or radio station.]

Feral: Alright, I’m being told in my ear that Big Blogger is ready for you to head off with our Ninjas and prepare to enter the House. Good luck!

RichardWatts: Thanks! [To audience] Bye!

Audience: [Who has finally caught up with the conversation] Bye!

[RichardWatts looks momentarily stunned at the as-one response from the four-hundred-strong audience, and then follows a Big Blogger Ninja off stage.]

Feral: Okay. Two down, one to go. Let’s meet our final Intruder.

[Cut to video footage.]

Dxxxx: I hope the readers will come to like me. I know I can be a lot of fun and I look forward to getting to know the other Housemates. Ha, I don’t even have a Blogger account! I’m a LiveJournal user, so I hope that’s going to be okay?

[Cut back to Feral on the stage.]

Feral: Well, obviously it is or she wouldn’t be here. I give her four stars for effort; let’s hear it for Intruder Number Three, Dxxxx!

[Audience starts undressing and throwing its clothes onto the stage as Dxxxx enters and waves appreciatively.]

Dxxxx: Thank you! Hello! Hi there! [To Feral] My goodness, you look amazing!

Feral: Aw, thank you, Dxxxx. That’s very kind! Now, tell me a bit about yourself. Where are you from?

Dxxxx: I’m from Melbourne. [Audience cheers] I’m 32 years old. [Audience applauds] I just finished off a relationship before coming into the Big Blogger house. [Audience goes ‘Awwwww’.] Nah, it’s alright, I hope to hook up with someone inside the House.

Feral: And just to clarify, you had to end your relationship because you’ve got to be single to enter the Big Blogger House, is that right?

Dxxxx: Yeah, they said I couldn’t get in if I was still in a relationship.

Feral: Now, we already know that Big Blogger allowed an engaged couple to enter the House, so how do you feel about having to end your relationship to get in?

Dxxxx: Oh, I’m fine. I think the world of MelbourneGirl; I think I’m gonna get along really well with her. She’s a sweetie!

Feral: And did your partner mind you ending your relationship so you could enter Big Blogger and maybe find someone new?

Dxxxx: Yeah, she was really great about it.

[Cut to the audience, all staring wide-eyed and deathly silent in shock.]

Feral: [Beat] Ah … so you were in a relationship with another woman?

Dxxxx: Yeah. [Pause. Notices the crowd’s reaction.] It’s not that strange, is it?

Feral: No, not at all! Good on you! [She looks to the audience and smiles encouragingly, which breaks the spell and they erupt into excited cheers at the faint promise of a lesbian relationship developing inside the House.]

Dxxxx: [Relieved that everything is okay; she seems used to receiving this kind of ‘shock-horror’ response from people.] Cool.

Feral: So do you have your eye on anyone inside the House?

Dxxxx: For a relationship?

Feral: Yeah.

Dxxxx: Um, maybe LittleFaerieGirl? Or Audrey & The Bad Apples. She’s cute! They both are!

[The audience’s reaction to these names is mixed. Some are clearly fans of the Audrey & The Bad Apples / TOBYtoby relationship and don’t want this to be interrupted. Some are clearly interested in LittleFaerieGirl finding someone to kiss. Others are simply making noises while potential lesbian pairings are being discussed.]

Feral: [Laughing gaily … I mean, merrily] Well, that’s certainly something to keep an eye on. I wish you the best of luck.

Dxxxx: Thanks Feral.

Feral: You’ll be entering the House in a moment, so if you’d like to go with our Ninja over there, he’ll get you down to the House.

Dxxxx: Okay, thanks everyone. [Waves]

Feral: Put your hands together for Dxxxx!

[Audience stard to do the locomotion to show its support of Dxxxx. It must have some special kind of significance that they’re aware of, but it all seems a bit perplexing to me. A smiling Dxxxx exits the stage with a Ninja anyway.]

Feral: Phew! What a lot of controversy those three intend to rain down on the House! Let’s go to the House now and see what happens when their idealic little fantasy world is torn asunder by the appearance of three very different characters!

[Cut to the House, where the Housemates are still seated around the dining room table. Gav is finishing another joke, and the Housemates are all still red-faced and smiling from their earlier laughing fits.]

Gav: “But nobody can eat that much ice cream!”

[The Housemates break up into more raucous laughter. TOBYtoby thumps his fist on the table, causing the cutlery and crockery to jump, in turn scaring LittleFaerieGirl sitting opposite him. She yelps quickly, then immediately rejoins the laughter. Tyson is still lying on the floor and this time holds his stomach in apparent pain from laughing so much. Gav is delighted at the response to this joke as well.]

Javatari: I do not get that joke, either.

[Suddenly, claxons sound and the Housemates all jump to their feet in fear. They look wide-eyed to each other in panic for a moment.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Almost hushed, to herself] Intruders!

[There is a split-second of realisation and then all Housemates run to the lounge, cheering excitedly. As they approach the television in the lounge, they see the following image flashing across the screen: INTRUDER ALERT! The Housemates cheer in excitement. The Diary Room door opens and Tammiodo bounds in at top speed. The girls squeal and surround her in a giant hug.]

Magical_M: Woo! Who are you? What’s your name?!

Tammiodo: I’m Tammiodo!

LittleFaerieGirl: Tammigodo?

Tammiodo: Tammiodo.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: How old are you? Where are you from?

Steph: Are there any other Intruders coming in?

MelbourneGirl: I wish those <BEEP>in’ sirens would shut up!

[Before Tammiodo can say anything else, RichardWatts walks through the Diary Room door and greets the group.]

RichardWatts: Hey everyone.

[The noisy room erupts into even more noise as the girls’ group hug immediately disbands from around Tammiodo and rushes up to RichardWatts. The guys, who had all been standing back watching the group hug, make a point of approaching RichardWatts and shaking his hand in greeting.]

TOBYtoby: G’day, mate. I’m TOBYtoby.

RichardWatts: RichardWatts, good to meet ya.

Tyson: Hi, I’m Tyson.

RichardWatts: Tyson, hi. I’m RichardWatts.

Gav: I’m Gav. Hi.

RichardWatts: Hi Gav.

Javatari:[To Gav] How did ice cream even come into it?

RichardWatts: You’re Javatari, right?

Javatari: [Looking at him in suspicion] Your powers of mind-reading are exceptional. How long have you been practicing the dark arts?

RichardWatts: Ah, no. I’ve just been reading the show, that’s all.

Javatari: Oh yes. Forgive me. My mind is elsewhere. [Turning back to Gav.] Where could that much ice cream possibly have been stored without melting?

Steph: [To Tammiodo, excitedly] So did you bring any alcohol?

Tammiodo: Uh, no, but they said there’d be some coming in later.

[Steph squeals in excitement and the other Housemates cheer.]

MelbourneGirl: That’s good. I need a drink.

[Amongst all this carrying on, Dxxxx makes her way sheepishly out of the Diary Room. The door closes behind her.]

LittleFaerieGirl: [Spying Dxxxx first] Oooh! A third Intruder! [She runs up to her.] I’m LittleFaerieGirl!

Dxxxx: Hi, I’m Dxxxx. [The girls hug and then stand arm in arm as they walk down the two steps to the rest of the group in the lounge. Further introductions are made, and the claxons stop ringing. Throughout the following five minutes, Dxxxx and LittleFaerieGirl remain locked together, side-by-side, at the elbow.]

Magical_M: This is so cool! Isn’t it funny how excited you can get to see someone new after only two and a half weeks!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. [Despite their heightened excitement, the Housemates obediently fall silent.] Housemates, please make your three Intruders feel welcome.

[The Housemates all cheer.]

Big Blogger: Intruders, welcome to the Big Blogger House. There are party provisions in the Storeroom.

[The Housemates scream in delight and run to the Storeroom, where large ice buckets full of alcoholic drinks and trays of finger food are found. As these provisions are brought into the House and set up for the night’s party, conversations continue with each of the three Intruders.]

[Cut to Audrey & The Bad Apples and TOBYtoby talking with Tammiodo.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: So, like, do you already have a favourite Housemate in here from what you’ve read online?

Tammiodo: I’m not really allowed to say anything about anything I’ve read.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I know, but do you have a favourite Housemate? You can say that, can’t you?

Tammiodo: I guess. Um, it’d probably be you guys.

TOBYtoby: [Laughing] You’ve got to say that, really.

Tammiodo: Nah, it’s true.

TOBYtoby: [To Audrey & The Bad Apples] It’s not fair asking her that!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: She can say someone else, that’s alright!

Tammiodo: It really would be you two.

[Cut to RichardWatts flanked by Gav, Javatari and Tyson.]

RichardWatts: Yeah, I work in community media.

Tyson: Yeah? What does that entail, exactly?

RichardWatts: Um, just kind of doing media-type stuff for the community.

Tyson: [Clearly not actually listening] Cool.

Javatari: Do you clean your ears very often?

RichardWatts: Sorry, do I what?

Javatari: Do you clean your ears very often?

RichardWatts: Um, yeahhh …

Javatari: Then what is this? [He leans over and pulls a twenty dollar note out of RichardWatts’ left ear.]

RichardWatts: Oh, man! I forgot that was in there! How embarrassing. Thanks, man. [He takes the money from Javatari and puts it in his pocket. Javatari goes and washes his hands in the kitchen sink.]

[Cut to Dxxxx talking excitedly with LittleFaerieGirl, Magical_M, Steph and MelbourneGirl as they set up the food and drinks. LittleFaerieGirl still has not released Dxxxx’s arm from her own. Dxxxx does not seem to mind this one bit.]

Steph: So did you get to go on stage with Feral?

Dxxxx: Yeah, I did all that, but I don’t know if I can talk about it.

Steph: Oh yeah, of course. Did she look stunning, though?

Dxxxx: I don’t know if I can say. [Smiles sheepishly.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Do you like Milo bars?

Dxxxx: Um, yeah. But not the new ones, only the original ones.

[LittleFaerieGirl’s eyes light up in utter devotion.]

LittleFaerieGirl: YES! Exactly! Weren’t they the best?! Why’d they even change them?

Dxxxx: [Laughing at her intensity] I don’t know! They were delicious the way they were.

LittleFaerieGirl: That’s right! Ohh! [She kisses Dxxxx, who is a bit surprised but does not pull away.]

MelbourneGirl: [Turning away] I’m gonna to need a big <BEEP>ing drink.

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is laughing and applauding and cheering and frothing at the mouth. It doesn’t know what to do.]

Feral: My, oh, my! That certainly didn’t take long to spark up, did it! We’ll have to wait and see if that leads anywhere. But in the meantime, we’re going to leave the Housemates to their party and let the night roll on. Of course, I’ll be back with you tomorrow night for our Week 3 wrap-up and eviction. The Intruders are obviously safe from nomination this week, but all the original Housemates are fair game. They’re like little ducks, lined up and ready for the plucking. So be sure to tune in again tomorrow night when we’ll see more of the fallout from the addition of our three great Intruders, and our fourth Big Blogger Evictee will join me up here live on stage. I’ve been Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where three Intruders are in the House, and the fun is just beginning. Good night!

[Audience goes nuts.]

Mike: [Voice over] Tomorrow’s eviction promises to be a doozy, so remember to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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