Big Blogger - Special Guest

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience is cheering loudly, then suddenly realises they’re all facing the back of the auditorium. They turn around in time to see Feral walk onto the stage, so their cheers get even louder.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to an extra special weekend edition of Big Blogger. Tonight we’ll be surprising the Housemates by welcoming a very special guest into the House.

[Audience hoots and guffaws.]

Feral: That’s right, the Housemates don’t know it yet, but they’re about to be joined by the winner of the UK series of Big Blogger – and she’s going to be staying in the House until you vote her out! She won’t be a short-term visitor; this is the real deal!

[The audience is making so much ‘excited’ noise about this that the Ninjas have to hose them down to get them to be quiet. Feral turns to face another camera, managing to avoid any water from the fire hose being sprayed on the audience.]

Feral: Let’s pop over to the House for a quick look to see what the Housemates are up to.

[Cut to the House. The Housemates have eaten dinner and are lazing about in the lounge. No one is talking. For the most part, they look quite bored. We watch them for thirty seconds as they simply look around the room at each other and at the walls. Tyson yawns.]

[Cut back to Feral on the stage.]

Feral: The Housemates haven’t even been told to congregate in the lounge; they’re all just sitting in there together looking quite bored. But that works for us, because we’re about to throw a real firecracker into the House to liven things up!

[Audience gets its motor running.]

Feral: And let’s not waste any more time. Here she is!

[Cut to video footage.]

Pomgirl: [In a strong English accent, much like this person here, and talking super-fast, incredibly-rapid, and ultra-quick (which is how she talks all the time, just so you know how to ‘hear’ her voice in your head)] Well, I’m just so happy to be here, ya know, ‘cos I won Big Blogger in the UK an’ all, and I just want to spend my time traveling the world winning other Big Bloggers and snogging fit guys, ya know? I love to shop, but I’ll be <BEEP>ed if I’m gonna have to pay for anything now tha’ I’m famous!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage. The audience is laughing and cheering. Clearly, Pomgirl is going to be a fan favourite!]

Feral: [Smiling broadly] Please welcome her to the stage, it’s BBUK winner, Pomgirl!

[Audience goes cah-razy in support of this international special guest.]

Pomgirl: [Entering] Hi! [Waves at audience. To Feral:] Wow, where’d you get that dress?

Feral: Oh, it was just hanging up in my dressing room. But anyway, welcome to Australia!

Pomgirl: Thank you, thank you! Ya know, I never thought I’d ever have a chance to visit Australia, but now that I’m here I don’t know why I would have wanted to. You guys don’t have any good shops! I wanted to go to Macy’s and Bloomingdales and stuff.

Feral: I think you might have us confused with America.

Pomgirl: [Looks blank] America and Australia aren’t the same place?

[Audience laughs. She can insult them and their country all she likes – they love her!]

Feral: I’m sorry, they’re very different countries. But hey – you have the chance to go into the House and add nearly two million dollars to the two million pounds you won in the UK. Or did you? How much of the two million pounds did you actually win?

Pomgirl: I’m no good with numbers, but I think it was one and a half mill.

[Audience cheers.]

Feral: Well, the prize money here has already been dwindled down quite a bit, too. We’re looking at about 1.75 million Australian dollars currently remaining in the prize pool, which probably only equates to four or five hundred thousand pounds anyway.

Pomgirl: [Shocked and angry] What?!

[Audience laughs.]

Feral: It may be a little more than that, I don’t know. So tell us a bit about yourself. How old are you?

Pomgirl: [Happy now that she’s talking about her favourite topic: Herself] Well, I’ve been told to tell people that I’m 21 plus GST, although I don’t understand what that means.

Feral: And are you single?

Pomgirl: No, but we don’t get Aussie Big Blogger in the UK, so it won’t be a problem if I want to snog anyone while I’m over here.

[Audience h00ts.]

Feral: You’re not worried about your partner in the UK finding out?

Pomgirl: Nah, he’s a real dumb<BEEP>, anyway. I brought this with me to remind me of him! [She holds up a small plush toy of Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. Audience goes “Awwww”, even though she just said she plans to cheat on him, given the chance.]

Feral: That’s lovely. A bit grumpy, is he?

Pomgirl: [Confused] Huh?

Feral: Never mind. So do you think you can win our version of Big Blogger?

Pomgirl: Of course I can. I won the last one, didn’t I?

[Audience confirms that yes, she did.]

Feral: Fair enough. Well, you should really add something that the House currently seems to be lacking. Excitement! Good luck!

Pomgirl: Thanks, bye! [Waves at the audience as a Ninja takes her by the arms and directs her off stage.]

Ninja: I’m an awesome kisser, if you want to get started right now ...

Pomgirl: <BEEP> off, ya tosser.

[The audience is cheering for Pomgirl.]

Feral: Phew! What a little bundle of energy she is! Let’s cut to the House again to watch the tornado strike as Pomgirl is admitted into our unsuspecting Housemates’ world.

[Cut to the House, where the Housemates are still slumped around in the lounge. TOBYtoby throws a cushion across the room to Tyson, but it falls short and lands on the outstretched legs of MelbourneGirl. She looks at TOBYtoby, looks at the cushion, and decides to leave it there. No one seems to have much enthusiasm to do anything. Steph and Gav are next to each other. Steph is fiddling with her watch but Gav has his eyes closed. Tammiodo sniffs as she looks from Dxxxx to RichardWatts. Magical_M is humming softly to herself and looking at her reflection in the mirror opposite. The camera spends two minutes panning across the Housemates’ faces, but no one talks in that time.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

[The Housemates jump in their seats in surprise at suddenly hearing a loud voice coming through the speakers.]

Steph: [Putting her hand to her heart] Whoa. That scared me. [Taking Gav’s hand and placing it on her chest] Here, feel this.

Gav: [Groggily, still waking up] Really? In front of everybody?

Big Blogger: Housemates. Big Blogger has a surprise for you.

Magical_M: Oooh, yes! Make it some alcohol, make it some alcohol! Or a good-looking straight guy.

Big Blogger: Please welcome your Special Guest, Pomgirl.

[Suddenly, claxons sound and the Housemates all jump to their feet and face the Diary Room door. The television screen above their heads starts flashing "SPECIAL GUEST!" across the screen. The Housemates get excited very quickly and begin to cheer. The Diary Room door opens and Pomgirl walks out. There is much cheering and yelping from the girls in particular, although Magical_M looks slightly disappointed. TOBYtoby is seen checking her out.]

MelbourneGirl: Welcome! How are you?

Pomgirl: Fine thanks. Is there anything to drink?

Steph: Not alcoholic, no.

Pomgirl: [Shocked and angry again] What?!

Tyson: Hey, nice accent! Where you from?

Pomgirl: [Putting on heirs and graces] I’m from the United Kingdom, thank you very much.

RichardWatts: Hey, cool!

[Pomgirl glares at RichardWatts as if to demand, “Cool?”, but she keeps her lips thinly pursed in silence.]

Steph: Are we getting any more Special Guests?

Pomgirl: I dunno.

MelbourneGirl: Damn those <BEEP>in’ sirens!

[As if on cue, the sirens stop. MelbourneGirl looks at the mirrors in suspicion. Is Big Brother playing with her?]

TOBYtoby: [All suave and sexy-like] Hi there, I’m TOBYtoby.

Pomgirl: [Turning coy, sensing potential snogging action] Hi …

[They bat their eyelids at each other while the audience gets its groove on.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. [The Housemates stop talking and listen.] Housemates, please make your Special Guest feel very welcome in the House.

[The Housemates all cheer.]

Big Blogger: She will be staying with you for a while.

[The Housemates all cheer again.]

Big Blogger: In fact, she is a new Housemate and is just as eligible to win Big Blogger as any of you.

[The Housemates all stare at Pomgirl in silence. They weren’t expecting that. After a beat, Pomgirl cheers herself, but no one else joins in. There is an awkward silence.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is applauding.]

Feral: Oh boy! It looks like we’re set to see some exciting action unfold in the House this week! Be sure to tune in again on Wednesday for our Week 5 wrap-up and eviction. Pomgirl will be safe from nomination this week, but all the other Housemates are sitting ducks. I’ve been Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where our international cat has been set loose amongst our Housemates' pigeons. [Aside] Who writes this crap? [Facing the camera again, smiling.] Good night!

[Audience goes bananas, even though they can’t afford them.]

Mike: [Voice over] This week’s eviction is sure to be an upset, so remember to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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