Big Blogger - Week 1

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience screams and screams, but it does no good; Feral comes out onto stage anyway.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody!

[Audience carries on like a pack of baboons.]

Feral: Hello and welcome to Big Blogger - Week 1. This promises to be an exciting night for everyone, as we take a look back at the Housemates' first week in the House, and of course I'll be joined on stage by not one, but two of your favourite Housemates! That's right, it's your weekly wrap-up and Eviction night all in one.

[Turns to face other camera for no fathomable reason.]

Feral: But before we evict anyone, we have to go back to the very start of the week. Yes, it was only seven days ago that the Housemates first entered the Big Blogger House, and it didn't take too long for tensions to build up!

[Cut to video footage of the House on Open House night. It is the last shot we saw, of the Housemates all serving up drinks and introducing themselves to each other.]

Feral: [Voice over] The week began with all twelve Housemates being thrust into the House together. Twelve complete strangers, living in a House with no idea of what to expect.

[Clokeeeey, in full Collingwood-themed attire, is talking to Steph.]

Steph: So are you just really into football, or what?

[Audience laughs]

Clokeeeey: Yeah, it's like my religion.

Steph: Oh my God.

Clokeeeey: Really? Yours too?

[Audience laughs; Steph blinks in confusion. She drinks from her glass to avoid answering.]

LittleFaerieGirl: [Entering from the bathroom] Ah, that's so much better. I was so nervous on stage with Feral that I've been busting for the loo for ages!

No Dramas: Ooh! Me too! I couldn't hold it in at all! Hey, where are the toilets?

LittleFaerieGirl: Just through here. C'mon, I'll show you.

Magical_M: Hey, let's have a tour of the House!

Feral: [Voice over] So while the Housemates treated themselves to a tour of the House, some found themselves bonding ...

Tyson: I love your hair, is it natural?

Steph: Ooh, thanks! Yeah, it's all-natural products and chemicals and stuff.

Feral: [Voice over] ... while others were busy observing their new competition in silence.

[A lengthy shot of Gav watching Tyson and Steph talk and laugh. Steph touches Tyson's forearm and Gav's eyes stay focused on this until she removes her hand.]

[Audience 'oooohs' a lot because they can see that someone's headed for heartache.]

Feral: [Voice over] A few hours later, the Housemates decided to celebrate their first night in the House together by having a spa.

[Housemates are all crowded into the spa together, still holding drinks and barely visible through the steam.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Squealing] This is soooo cool! I'm having so much fun. Hey, isn't it great that we're in here? I feel like I know everyone already.

LittleFaerieGirl: I know, it's great.

No Dramas: You don't realise what a thrill it's gonna be until you actually get in here.

LittleFaerieGirl: What about that audition process! It was so crazy!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I actually didn't have to audition; Big Blogger approached me and asked me to be in the House. Something about my impressive use of fruit.

No Drama: What? No way!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Smugly] Yep.

No Dramas: What does he look like?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: He's kind of small, and didn't look well. A bit green around the gills, you might say. I called him a funny little muppet, but he didn't seem to li--

Big Blogger: [Interrupting] This is Big Blogger.

[All Housemates fall silent and listen.]

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, for calling Big Blogger ‘a funny little muppet’, that's a five thousand dollar fine.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: What?! I didn't call you that now, I called you that then!

TOBYtoby: [Disgusted] Good one, Audrey! Our first night and our first fine!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Shut up! Hey! Big Blogger! I was talking about how you looked when I met you! Hey!

John Surname: Don't worry about it, sweetie. It's not worth it. It's only five thousand dollars.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: But that's not the point. I wasn't breaking any rule.

TOBYtoby: And we don't know how much the prize money is, dude. What if it's only ten thousand dollars?

John Surname: I hardly think he's going to fine us half the prize money in one go, Tobes.

TOBYtoby: You don't know what he'd do. Maybe there's no prize money and the winner's going to have to owe Big Blogger whatever the total fine tally is.

John Surname: And maybe there's no real fine tally at all and the winner actually wins whatever amount we've racked up in fines. We just don't know, so relax, good lookin'.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I just can't believe he fined me for that. What a tosspot.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

[TOBYtoby groans.]

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, for calling Big Blogger ‘a tosspot’, that's a five thousand dollar fine.

[All Housemates turn on Audrey & The Bad Apples.]

Clokeeeey: What are you doing, Audrey?

No Dramas: She wasn't saying it to him; she was saying it about him!

TOBYtoby: Yeah, well obviously that counts!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Obviously! But I didn't know that before, did I?

TOBYtoby: You should have learnt your lesson from the first fine.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Why don't you shut up, TOBYtoby, and let me enjoy the night.

TOBYtoby: Why should I? You've just cost the winner ten thousand dollars! If I win Big Blogger, I'm going to want you to pay me back!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oh, very mature!

Gav: Guys, guys, let's break it up, okay? [Notices Steph and Tyson sitting very close to each other and laughing/whispering/cuddling.] Um. I, ah ...

John Surname: You alright, Gav?

Gav: Er, yeah. Um. I think I'm gonna get out now.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Me too. The fun's just gone out of it for me.

TOBYtoby: Oh, I wonder whose fault that is!

No Drama: Just leave her alone.

TOBYtoby: Ah, shut up. No one asked you.

[Gav exists the spa, followed by Audrey & The Bad Apples and No Dramas. An awkward silence ensues as most people left in the spa try to avoid a conversation with TOBYtoby, who is scowling to himself. Tyson and Steph are oblivious to this whole exchange, being totally absorbed by each other.]

Feral: [Voice over] And so, the House had its first spa, its first fine, and its first argument, all at the same time.

[Cut to No Dramas ranting and raving about TOBYtoby to Audrey & The Bad Apples as she unpacks her suitcase in the bedroom, while Audrey & The Bad Apples sits on one of the beds.]

No Dramas: He's such a jerk! I hate people like that; always looking for trouble and starting arguments for fun. I don't think I'm gonna like him very much at all.

[Audrey & The Bad Apples isn't saying anything.]

No Dramas: Don't you think he's an idiot?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Quietly] He's a cute idiot.

[Audience goes "Woooooo!"]

No Dramas: Are you kidding?

[Audrey & The Bad Apples just looks at her and smiles cheekily. There is a reflective pause.]

No Dramas: Yeah, I can see what you mean. But he's such a jerk.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I hope he doesn't get nominated because of his behaviour. It'd be a shame not to see his cute face around here for something to look at! He's someone I wouldn't nominate at all; unless we got down to the final three or four, because then yo--

Big Blogger: [Interrupting] This is Big Blogger.

No Dramas: Oh crap.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Putting her head in her hands] Ohh! I didn't mean it seriously!

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, for discussing nominations, that's a five thousand dollar fine.

[Cut to the spa.]

TOBYtoby: WHAT?! What is she doing, man?

[Cut back to the bedroom.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Groaning] Ohh, no one's gonna to like me now!

Feral: [Voice over] But not everyone seemed to care about the fines …

[Cut back to spa, where Tyson and Steph are making out amongst the cheers and laughter of the other Housemates. Cut to Gav, sitting alone on a stool in the kitchen, staring forlornly into the sink.]

Feral: [Voice over] The next day brought bright hope for a fresh start. That is, until …

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Audrey & The Bad Apples, for talking without your microphone, that's a five thousand dollar fine. [Cut to later in the day.] This is Big Blogger. Audrey & The Bad Apples, for talking without your microphone, that's a five thousand dollar fine. [Cut to later in the day.] This is Big Blogger. Audrey & The Bad Apples, for talking without your microphone, that's a five thousand dollar fine. [Cut to later in the day.] This is Big Blogger. Audrey & The Bad Apples, for talking without your microphone, that's a five thousand dollar fine.

[Cut to TOBYtoby, Clokeeeey and John Surname in the sauna.]

TOBYtoby: I tell ya what, man – if she doesn’t get her act together quickly, I’m seriously gonna lose it with her.

Feral: [Voice over] But fines weren’t the only things TOBYtoby was going to have to worry about losing.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. TOBYtoby, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to TOBYtoby in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: Listen very carefully.

TOBYtoby: Yep.

Big Blogger: Do not speak.

TOBYtoby: Yeah – oh. Okay.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, Big Blogger is about to make you an offer. If you refuse this offer, you will be avicted from the Big Blogger House ammediately.

TOBYtoby: You know it’s pronounced ‘immediately’, right?

[Pause.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, Big Blogger informed you not to speak.

TOBYtoby: Right. Sorry.

[Pause.]

Big Blogger: Are you sure it’s not ‘ammediately’?

TOBYtoby: It’s definitely ‘immediately’.

Big Blogger: Hm. I’ve always thought it was ‘ammediately’.

TOBYtoby: Same with ‘avicted’.

Big Blogger: What about it?

TOBYtoby: It should be pronounced ‘evicted’.

Big Blogger: Are you having Big Blogger on?

TOBYtoby: Nah, man, I swear it. Your pronunciation’s pretty crap.

[Pause.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, for calling Big Blogger ‘man’, that's a five thousand dollar fine.

TOBYtoby: Ah, <BEEP>.

Big Blogger: Now, Big Blogger was just about to make you an offer. If you refuse this offer, you will be avicted from the Big Blogger House ammediately. You do not have to hear the offer, but refusing to hear the offer will result in your ammediate aviction from the Big Blogger House. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, what is your decision.

TOBYtoby: I’ll hear the offer, thanks.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, Big Blogger is looking for an ‘Insider’. Someone who will live amongst the Housemates, but secretly work against them. An Insider will have special tasks set out by Big Blogger that they will have to complete. Success will result in a personal reward. Failure will result in automatic nomination for aviction. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: Most of the words you used, yes.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, answer the question.

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger, I understand.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, consider this offer carefully. What is your decision?

TOBYtoby: Big Blogger, I accept the offer. I think it would be a lot of fun and I’m sure I will succeed at all my Insider tasks.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, your first Insider task will begin when you leave the Diary Room. You are to go to the kitchen and sabotage the dinner that is being prepared by MelbourneGirl at the moment. How you choose to do this is up to you, but you must not be caught doing it. The dinner must be inedible by the time it is served. No Housemate can eat more than three mouthfuls of the meal. If you are caught, or if any Housemate eats more than three mouthfuls of the meal, your task will be deemed a failure, and you will be up for aviction on Wednesday. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: That is all.

Feral: [Voice over] And so the Insider set out on his first secret mission.

[Cut to footage of TOBYtoby talking to MelbourneGirl as she prepares a large risotto. While her back is turned, TOBYtoby puts the large SAXA salt container behind his back and moves around to the other side of the counter. Over the next five minutes, every time MelbourneGirl is distracted by other Housemates in the lounge or turning from one pot to another, TOBYtoby tips more and more of the salt into the risotto until the whole container is empty. Satisfied that the meal is ruined, he returns the empty salt container to the counter and sneaks away.]

[Cut to eight minutes later, as MelbourneGirl tastes the risotto and screws her face up in disgust.]

MelbourneGirl: <BEEP>! What the <BEEP> happened here?

LittleFaerieGirl: What?

MelbourneGirl: Some <BEEP>’s put salt in the risotto. It’s disgusting!

No Dramas: [Coming over from the lounge] It wasn’t you?

MelbourneGirl: No, it wasn’t <BEEP>ing me! I only had the salt there for the sauce.

No Dramas: Alright, I was just asking.

MelbourneGirl: [Ignoring her, calling out] Who else was in the kitchen before? Gav, you got a drink, didn’t you?

Gav: Yeah.

MelbourneGirl: Did you touch the <BEEP>ing salt?

Gav: No.

MelbourneGirl: Well someone did. We can’t eat that!

LittleFaerieGirl: Let me try it.

MelbourneGirl: There’s no point <BEEP>ing trying it, it’s <BEEP>ing ruined!

Feral: [Voice over] Nevertheless, all the girls and most of the boys taste the food, with TOBYtoby watching quietly from the lounge. No one tastes it more than once, and the food is thrown in the bin.

[Cut to TOBYtoby watching the food being thrown out and smiling smugly to himself.]

Feral: [Voice over] While the rest of the Housemates made do with cheese on toast for dinner, TOBYtoby was called to the Diary Room, where he enjoyed a meal of roast lamb.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: [Eating] Yes, Big Blogger?

Big Blogger: Would you like … some salt?

TOBYtoby: [Smiling] No thank you, Big Blogger.

Feral: [Voice over] But before leaving the Diary Room, Big Blogger gave the Insider his second task.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, for your second task, you must uncover a secret in the House. Listen carefully. Two of your fellow Housemates have been lying to you. They have been pretending to be strangers, but in fact they have an existing relationship. They knew each other before entering the Big Blogger House. Big Blogger knows this, and has allowed them to remain undetected. TOBYtoby, your task is to correctly identify which of your Housemates are in a secret relationship, and what that relationship is. You can use any means at your disposal, but you may not reveal that you are the Insider or anything about this conversation. You may not reveal that you know there is a secret relationship in the House. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: [Sighing heavily] Yes.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, failure to correctly identify who is in the secret relationship or what the relationship is, will result in you being automatically nominated for aviction. Success in correctly identifying who in the House is in a secret, pre-existing relationship and what that relationship is, will result in you automatically being safe from aviction. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: That is all.

Feral: [Voice over] And so began a frenzied few days where TOBYtoby drove himself insane by watching all the Housemates interact and wondering which of them were lying to him, just as he was lying to them. Meanwhile, Javatari was spending more and more time entertaining the Housemates with various magical tricks. He and LittleFaerieGirl had been growing quite close since Day Two, and despite promising before he entered the House that he’d cause a lot of conflict, all he ever found himself doing was backing away from arguments and performing magic tricks for the group.

Javatari: For my next trick, I need a volunteer.

Magical_M: Ooh! Me! I’m the hottt one, so I should be your assistant!

Javatari: Very well, it shall be so. Now then, think of a number between one and one thousand.

Magical_M: Um, 739.

[Pause.]

Javatari. That is correct.

[The Housemates cheer as Magical_M gives the group a curtsy and sits down again.]

Javatari: Now I must ask for complete silence.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

Javatari: I said complete silence!

Big Blogger: Sorry.

[Javatari takes a deep breath.]

Javatari: Pay attention. There is nothing up my sleeve … [shows the Housemates his empty sleeve, then gives a double-take and scrutinizes the inside of his sleeve.] Damn, there’s really nothing up my sleeve. Okay, next trick. [He produces a deck of cards, fans them out, and leans in to John Surname.] Pick a card, any card. [John Surname starts to take one from the far left.] Pick that one. [He points to one towards the right of the deck. John Surname takes the indicated card. Javatari steps back and looks thoughtful.] Is it … the Ace of Spades?

John Surname: No.

Javatari: Is it … the Six of Clubs?

John Surname: No.

Javatari: Is it … the Jack of Diamonds?

John Surname: No.

Javatari: Is it … the Nine of Hearts?

John Surname: No.

Javatari: [Pause] So what is it?

John Surname: [Showing him] The Three of Clubs.

Javatari: [Immediately] Ta-da!

[The Housemates all applaud and cheer.]

Feral: [Voice over] But Javatari’s wasn’t the only show in the House that night, because about three hours later, when everyone else had gone to bed, Steph and Tyson could be heard kissing and giggling in the darkness. New love was blossoming on one side of the room …

[Cut to a night-vision shot of the bedroom, with Steph and Tyson moving around under the covers against one wall, while Gav puts a pillow over his ear across the other side of the room in an attempt to block out the noise.]

Feral [Voice over] … while on the other side, things were proceeding on shaky ground.

Javatari: [Who is sharing the bed with Gav] Excuse me, Gav. Would you please stop whining. You are disturbing my slumber.

Feral: [Voice over] Early the next day, No Dramas was alone in the bathroom, showering in her swimsuit, when she noticed a spider on the ceiling.

[No Dramas shrieks and runs screaming from the bathroom. By the time she reaches LittleFaerieGirl and Audrey & The Bad Apples, who are running from the bedroom to find her and see what’s wrong, she is in tears.]

No Dramas: [Between shrieks and sobs] There’s a (hic) a spider in (hic) in there!!

LittleFaerieGirl: Well, that’s alright, it’s not something you need to worry ab—

No Drama: IT’S A SPIDER! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! I HATE SPIDERS! I CAN’T COPE WITH SPIDERS!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. No Dramas, for talking without your microphone, that's a five thousand dollar fine.

No Drama: [Breaking down] I CAN’T GET MY MICROPHONE, IT’S IN THERE WITH A SPIDER … [unintelligible wailing]

[Cut to Tyson and Gav in the bathroom, looking for the spider.]

Tyson: I can’t see it anywhere. She probably scared it to death with all her screaming.

Gav: Yeah.

Tyson: [Calling out to No Dramas as he leaves the bathroom] Don’t worry, it’s not in there anymore.

Gav: [Under his breath as he watches Tyson leave] Ya <BEEP>.

John Surname: [Entering, wearing nothing but a towel] Hey, I’m gonna have a shower now. You wanna join me?

Gav: [Frowning slightly] Ahh, no. Thanks.

Feral: [Voice over] In the bedroom, the mess left behind by certain Housemates was starting to wear thin on Magical_M.

Magical_M: [Yelling] Why does no one clean up all their junk? [She begins to clean up clothing and bed linen that have been left on the floor.] This is disgusting! I can’t stand so much mess around the place.

[Cut to Steph and MelbourneGirl watching her from the doorway. They look at each other and roll their eyes.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The hot water is now off.

Javatari: [Entering the bathroom] Shazam! The hot water is now on again.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Javatari, for using magic to reverse one of Big Blogger’s rules or restrictions, that is a five thousand dollar fine.

Javatari: <BEEP>.

TOBYtoby: [Calling out from the lounge] Good one, Javatari! [Under his breath] Ya freak.

[Clokeeeey, sitting next to him, laughs]

Clokeeeey: He acts a little weird, doesn’t he. I don’t know how he does his tricks, though.

TOBYtoby: You’ve never seen those tricks before?

Clokeeeey: Nup, I’ve never even seen magic being performed at all before. Unless you count the 1990 Grand Final.

TOBYtoby: [Dismissively] Yeah, okay.

Clokeeeey: ‘Course, I was in Italy at the time, so I didn’t even see it …

John Surname: [Entering] Who’s up for a sauna? Just us guys, eh? Whatta ya say?

TOBYtoby: Sure.

Clokeeeey: Sounds great!

[They both get up.]

John Surname: Cool, I’ll get my gear off in the bathroom.

Clokeeeey: [Laughing] Not all of it, I hope!

John Surname: Yeah, of course.

[Pause.]

TOBYtoby: You’re not serious?

John Surname: Of course, that’s how you’re meant to dress in a sauna.

Clokeeeey: So you mean, the other night … under the towel …

John Surname: I was naked, yeah. What else did you think? You mean you guys were wearing clothes?

TOBYtoby: Our swimming suits, yeah. You were really naked?

John Surname: I don’t get what the problem is. It’s completely natural.

Clokeeeey: I think that is the problem.

John Surname: [Smiling] You guys are crazy. I’m gonna head in there now and turn up the heat. You guys join me when you’re ready. [Exits to the sauna. The others look at each other and sit back down on the couch.]

Feral: [Voice over] So while some Housemates started to learn a few things about the people they were living with, others were discovering they knew nothing about each other at all.

[Cut to Javatari and LittleFaerieGirl in the kitchen.]

LittleFaerieGirl: So how long have you been performing magic?

Javatari: For as long as the moon has risen over the rippling stream.

[Pause]

LittleFaerieGirl: Huh?

Javatari: I have practiced illusions of the dark arts for many a year. Many would describe it as ‘years aplenty’. Others may suggest that it has been a ‘plethora’ of years. Some might even say it has been three years.

LittleFaerieGirl: Three years, huh?

Javatari: That is – as your kinsfolk doth say – ‘correct’.

LittleFaerieGirl: Why do you speak like that?

Javatari: Specify the way to which you refer.

LittleFaerieGirl: Like that. All that ‘specify’ and ‘doth’ crap.

Javatari: I know not what you mean. [Hurriedly, before LittleFaerieGirl can reply:] And now I must go! Shazam! [In a puff of smoke LittleFaerieGirl is left standing alone in the kitchen. John Surname enters from the sauna wearing only a small towel.]

John Surname: [Calling to the lounge] Guys? Are you gonna be joining me, or what?

Feral: [Voice over] Friday brought many new surprises.

[Cut to the Housemates waking up.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Audrey & The Bad Apples, happy birthday.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yay! I nearly forgot! Thanks, Big Blogger!

[The other Housemates all gather around Audrey & The Bad Apples’ bed, hugging her and wishing her a happy birthday.]

Feral: [Voice over] While some surprises were mildly pleasant for one Housemate, others were outright exhilarating for all.

[Cut to the Housemates all dressed up in business suits and bike helmets.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, welcome to Friday Night Live. The theme for this Friday Night Live is … The Office.

[While we hear Big Blogger continue, we are shown various clips of the Housemates competing in games and tasks involving giant props, unknown messy substances, and a trophy at the end for the winner.]

Big Blogger: Housemates will begin in teams, but there will be only one winner. The last remaining Housemate will win four prizes; the Friday Night Live trophy, the right to affect nominations, two nights in the Rewards Room with a Housemate of your choice, and the three boxes. Housemates, prepare to work. MelbourneGirl, LittleFaerieGirl, Javatari, TOBYtoby, Gav, Magical_M … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare to work. Steph, John Surname, Audrey & The Bad Apples … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare to work. No Dramas, you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Clokeeeey, Tyson … you are about to compete in the final of tonight’s games. The winner will be the person who designs the best logo for Big Blogger. Prepare to work. Tyson, you are the winner of Friday Night Live. Congratulations. Approach the winner’s podium and collect your trophy. Losing Housemates, celebrate your champion.

Tyson: Woo-hoo! [Holds trophy – a miniature golden computer screen on a block of wood – above his head as the other Housemates surround and cheer for him.]

[Cut to footage of the Friday Night Live desk.]

Mike: What do you think about that, Whee?

Whee Um-ah: I just wish a girl had won it! [Sulks]

Mike: Ditzy?

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: I dunno wot to think, Mike! [Stares blankly into the camera until all the little children at home run crying to their mummies.]

Mike: Well, let’s just fill in an hour’s worth of the show with stupid jokes and annoying replays!

[Cut to Tyson in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Tyson, who do you choose to take to the Rewards Room, and why?

Tyson: I choose to take Steph, because we’ve really hit it off in the few days we’ve known each other, and I’d like to have the chance to get to know her better.

[The audience, whom the majority of us had entirely forgotten about by this point, reminds us that they’re still there by going, “Ooooo-ooooooh!” like school children.]

[Cut to Tyson and Steph in the Rewards Room, looking at the three boxes.]

Big Blogger: Tyson, which box do you choose?

Tyson: I choose box two, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: You may open box number two now.

[Being a good boy, he does so.]

Tyson: A packet of chicken salt.

Steph: Aww, no!

Big Blogger: Tyson, the chicken salt is yours to keep. You may check the other boxes now.

Tyson: [Opening box one] an iMac … [opening box three] and a trip to New York.

Steph: [Laughing] You could have won a trip to New York!

Tyson: Or an iMac. An iMac would’ve been great. I could have programmed my music onto that. [They laugh a bit, then kiss a lot, falling back onto the waterbed in a tight embrace.]

Feral: [Voice over] More of that footage tomorrow night on the first episode of ‘Big Blogger: Adults Only’ … which I’ve just been informed has already been cancelled. Back inside the House, the rest of the Housemates were treated to special food and drinks to celebrate Audrey & The Bad Apples’ 25th birthday.

LittleFaerieGirl: [Quite drunk] I bet I could kiss everybody in the House!

TOBYtoby: Go on, then.

LittleFaerieGirl: Okay! John Surname, come here!

John Surname: What?

[LittleFaerieGirl tries to kiss him, but he quickly pulls away. She chases after him as he runs around the House, both of them laughing. She eventually tires of the chase and kisses Magical_M and Javatari instead before passing out on the couch.]

Clokeeeey: [Whispering to TOBYtoby] Did you see John Surname running away from LittleFaerieGirl?

TOBYtoby: Yeah – she said she was going to kiss everyone in the House, and he didn’t want a bar of it!

Clokeeeey: It’s so obvious, isn’t it.

TOBYtoby: About John Surname?

Clokeeeey: Yeah.

TOBYtoby: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Remember what he was wearing the night we all came into the House?

Clokeeeey: It was pink, wasn’t it.

TOBYtoby: Yeah. Really girly material, too. There’s no doubt … but hey, that’s fine.

Clokeeeey: Sure. That’s cool, man. I hear Eddie’s gay.

TOBYtoby: Who?

Clokeeeey: Eddie Maguire.

TOBYtoby: [Disinterested] Oh.

Clokeeeey: Of course, they don’t want you to know it down at Channel Nine, so they set up his sham marriage. But I don’t buy it.

TOBYtoby: [Still disinterested] Right. You want another beer?

Feral: [Voice over] And later in the night, after having considerably more to drink, TOBYtoby found his detective powers to be sadly lacking.

TOBYtoby: [Now quite drunk] Do you know Javatari?

No Dramas: Yeah. You mean before we came in here? Nuh.

TOBYtoby: What about Magical_M?

No Dramas: No, I don’t know any of you. Do you know someone?

TOBYtoby: It’s not me, it’s one of you!

No Dramas: What is? One of whom? What are you talking about?

TOBYtoby: Don’t worry, you’re not the one.

No Dramas: What one?

TOBYtoby: [Moving further down the couch to where LittleFaerieGirl, now awake again, is talking with Gav and Javatari] Hey, do you know each other?

Gav: What, now?

No Dramas: He’s talking rubbish about people knowing each other before we came into the House.

LittleFaerieGirl: Oooh! That’d be cool!

Gav: But that’d be, like, cheating.

TOBYtoby: That’s right! But maybe it’s happened here. Maybe two people know each other somehow or something.

Javatari: I did not know any of you before we met on Wednesday night.

No Dramas: Same here.

[Steph and Tyson enter, holding hands.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Me too.

[There is a pause while Gav watches Steph. TOBYtoby notices his silence and sees who he’s looking at.]

TOBYtoby: Gav?

Gav: Mmm?

TOBYtoby: What about you?

Gav: Um, … yeah. [Remembering the conversation.] Ah, no. I didn’t know anyone either. [He gets up to have some food, watching Steph the whole time.]

TOBYtoby: [Still watching Gav] Aha!

MelbourneGirl: [Walking over from the kitchen] TOBYtoby, you need to have a glass of water.

TOBYtoby: Wha?

MelbourneGirl: Just drink this <BEEP>ing glass of water and settle down, <BEEP>er. I’ve been watching you, and you’re talking crap.

[Cut to later in the night.]

No Dramas: IT’S NOT FAIR! WHO DRANK ALL THE SPRITSERS? I PUT ONE THERE FOR ME!

Magical_M: Alright, calm down. Was it the peach one?

No Dramas: Yes! Did you drink it?

Magical_M: I didn’t know it was yours.

No Dramas: IT WAS ON THE SIDE LIKE THIS! [She indicates with an empty bottle how it was lying on its side]

Magical_M: Well, that didn’t mean anything!

No Dramas: IT MEANT THAT IT WAS MINE! I ALWAYS DO THAT WITH MY DRINKS SO PEOPLE KNOW THEY’RE TAKEN!

MelbourneGirl: What’s with all the <BEEP>ing screaming?

No Dramas: SHE TOOK MY LAST DRINK!

Magical_M: I couldn’t possibly have known it was hers.

MelbourneGirl: Alright, listen, girls. It’s no good <BEEP>ing screaming and fighting about it, let’s just get our <BEEP> on the table and talk it through like <BEEP>ing adults, okay?

No Dramas: SHE <BEEP>ING STOLE MY DRINK!

Feral: [Voice over] And it was in the midst of all this that John Surname decided to surprise the House with an announcement.

[Cut to John Surname standing in front of the assembled Housemates, who are sitting on the lounge.]

John Surname: I’ve noticed that a few of you have been wondering about me. About my story, and what I’m all about. So I just wanted to break it to you here. [Pause] I’m the token fashion designer, and the token straight guy.

[There is much shock from the Housemates. The camera pans across their faces. TOBYtoby’s eyes are wide. Clokeeeey looks angry. No Dramas starts to cry.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Are you serious?

John Surname: Yep. I’m not gay.

Tyson: Wow, man. I had no idea!

LittleFaerieGirl: You’ve been hiding this from us for days – why?

John Surname: I dunno. I guess I just thought it shouldn’t matter.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: No, of course not. Come here. [They hug.] Congratulations, John. That’s really brave, what you did just then.

John Surname: [Lets out a deep breath] Yeah, it was a pretty unsettling thing to have to do. You all seemed so sure about me, and stuff.

Steph: [Hugging him] I don’t know what to say. That’s so weird; it’s like I have to change my whole opinion of you or something. I mean, I know I don’t, but …

John Surname: Yeah, I know.

Magical_M: So does your family know?

John Surname: Yeah, pretty much. My sister’s been really supportive, introducing me to a few of her friends and that, but it’s an uphill battle all the way, ya know?

Magical_M: Sure.

John Surname: It’s my Mum I’m really worried about. I hope the public’s good about the whole thing and the press doesn’t sensationalise it or anything.

LittleFaerieGirl: Oh, your Mum’ll be so proud of you, I know it.

MelbourneGirl: John, as a Mum myself, let me tell you you did a good thing here tonight. A <BEEP>ing good thing. You’re a role model to young guys out there who aren’t gay, I tell ya. It’s admitting it to their friends and family that’s the hardest thing. Bless you, child, bless you.

John Surname: Thanks.

Feral: [Voice over] So while John Surname’s revelation rocked the House, Big Blogger announced that tomorrow would be Nomination Day. The Housemates had only twelve hours to prepare their nominations for the first week’s evictions.

[Cut to TOBYtoby in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: As the Insider, Big Blogger set you a task to discover which two Housemates are in a relationship, and what that relationship is.

TOBYtoby: Yep.

Big Blogger: Big Blogger informed you that success would result in you being safe from nominations this week, while failure would mean you would be automatically nominated for aviction.

TOBYtoby: Yep.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, your time is up. Who amongst your Housemates is in an existing relationship and what kind of relationship is it?

TOBYtoby: [Sighs] Big Blogger, this is a tough one, but I think I’ve worked it out. I think Gav and Steph are brother and sister.

Big Blogger: Why do you think that?

TOBYtoby: Because I’ve seen the way Gav watches Steph when she’s with Tyson, and I think that’s how I’d act if I was in here with my sister and she hooked up with someone on the first night.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger?

Big Blogger: You will find out later tonight if your guess was correct. That is all.

[Cut to the following day. The Housemates are all assembled on the lounge.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, all throughout your application process you were instructed to be honest with Big Blogger. It was stressed time and time again that any dishonesty in the Big Blogger House would not be tolerated. [Pause] Housemates, two of your fellow Housemates have been lying to you. [The Housemates begin to look around the couch at each other.] They have been pretending that … they don’t know each other, when in reality they do.

[No Dramas] That’s what TOBYtoby was saying!

Big Blogger: No Dramas, for talking while Big Blogger is talking, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

[No Dramas looks sheepish.]

Big Blogger: Housemates, two of your fellow Housemates are in a relationship. Big Blogger has known about this relationship and set these Housemates a task. If they could keep their relationship a secret for the first few days in the House, Big Blogger would reward them by giving them ammunity in the first week’s nominations. If they were detected, they would both be up for aviction. [Pause] Housemates, it is time to reveal the secret relationship. [Pause] MelbourneGirl, stand in front of your Housemates and reveal your secret.

[There are gasps from some of the Housemates. MelbourneGirl stands up and talks to the group.]

MelbourneGirl: Well, I said I’m a mother and I am, and you know that I’m a single parent and I am, but I’m soon to be a married parent … because … my fiance is Clokeeeey!

[The Housemates cheer and squeal and laugh as Clokeeeey bounds over to MelbourneGirl and hugs her. TOBYtoby is the only one not pleased, as he realises he is now automatically up for eviction.]

Clokeeeey: We’re gettin’ married the week after Grand Final day!

[The Housemates all laugh and surround the pair. Everyone is happy and hugging the twosome except TOBYtoby, who looks like he’s just eaten a fish eye.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. You cannot nominate MelbourneGirl or Clokeeeey.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where we see quick flashes of everyone’s nominations.]

Big Blogger: Tyson, who do you nominate for two points, and why?

Tyson: Um, for two points I’d like to nominate Magical_M, Big Blogger.

Javatari: No Dramas.

Steph: Magical_M.

Clokeeeey: LittleFaerieGirl.

No Dramas: Magical_M.

TOBYtoby: Audrey & The Bad Apples.

John Surname: Javatari.

Gav: Tyson.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: John Surname.

MelbourneGirl: LittleFaerieGirl.

LittleFaerieGirl: John Surname.

Tyson: I just find her a threat to me winning the game, and she’s one of those neat-freaks.

MelbourneGirl: I couldn’t stand it when she was drunk last night and she was running around trying to kiss everyone. She didn’t kiss me, but if she’d tried to, it would have been really weird. I don’t want to kiss a girl, and I won’t kiss a girl.

Javatari: Her screams and shouts doth hurt my ears. Her name may be ‘No Dramas’, but I have witnessed nothing but dramas! You can use that in next week’s promo, if you like.

TOBYtoby: I couldn’t stand how she lost so much money in those first two days! I lost count of all the fines she racked up.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, explain yourself. You’re not being clear.

TOBYtoby: Of course I’m being clear! She’s getting fines and reducing the prize money for the winner. And I hope to be that winner.

LittleFaerieGirl: I just don’t like that he was being dishonest with us about him being straight, and I think that if he’s going to lie about that, then he could be lying about anything. I don’t trust him.

Big Blogger: Who do you nominate for one point, and why?

Clokeeeey: John Surname.

Steph: For one point, I’m going to nominate John Surname.

LittleFaerieGirl: No Dramas, for crying all the time!

John Surname: LittleFaerieGirl.

Javatari: Magical_M, because I don’t like her name.

[Cut to the lounge. All Housemates are assembled on the couch, awaiting Big Blogger’s first nominations announcement.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. This week's nominated Housemates are: Magical_M … and … No Dramas … and … LittleFaerieGirl.

[The Housemates react with shock at this news. No Dramas begins to cry.]

Big Blogger: Tyson, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Tyson, as winner of Friday Night Live, you will now exercise the most important part of your prize. Who do you wish to deduct three points from, and why.

Tyson: You mean ‘From whom do you wish to deduct three points’. It sounds crap when you say it wrong.

[Pause]

Big Blogger: Okay. [Then, faintly:] Who writes this wording? Don’t we have someone to look it over and check for stuff like that?

Tyson: Um, Big Blogger I choose to take the three points off Magical_M. I think she’s hottt and I’d much rather have her in the House in case things don’t end up going anywhere with Steph later on.

Big Blogger. Go back to the lounge and say nothing of this to your Housemates.

Feral: [Voice over] After the three point twist, Magical_M wasn’t saved, but she did manage to bring John Surname up into the mix. Plus, for getting his first Insider task wrong, Big Blogger added TOBYtoby to the nominated Housemates as well.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The Housemates up for aviction this week are … Magical_M … and … No Dramas … and … LittleFaerieGirl … and … TOBYtoby … and … John Surname. That is all.

Steph: Wow! So many!

[The Housemates begin to console each other.]

Tyson: [To John Surname & TOBYtoby] Man, I’m sorry guys! Who would have known I’d bring you guys up!

[TOBYtoby is still looking sick, but fakes a smile.]

TOBYtoby: Hey, no worries. There’s no way you could have known.

John Surname: Yeah, don’t think about it, man.

Magical_M: [To a still-crying No Dramas] Hey, don’t worry, let’s just concentrate on having a great time while we’re still in the House, okay?

LittleFaerieGirl: I think we should have a drink.

No Dramas: [Through her tears] I don’t know what I’ve done wrong! I’ve just been myself! [Cries]

MelbourneGirl: C’mon, let’s not all sit around here feeling sorry for ourselves. I’m making tea. Who wants one? [She is ignored as everyone fusses over No Dramas] Hey! No Dramas? Stop ya <BEEP>ing cryin’ and let’s all sit up and have a tea, yeah?

Feral: [Voice over] Yes, the House didn’t take too kindly to the first round of nominations. This can only mean one thing: We’re in for a bumpy ride ahead!

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is going absolutely bananas.]

Feral: That’s right, we have five nominated Housemates, and the House doesn’t know it, but thanks to all the votes you’ve been calling and texting through over the past three days, two Housemates are being evicted tonight! So let’s cross to the House and evict our very first Big Blogger Housemate.

[Cut to live footage of the Housemates all lined up on the couch, the five in the middle looking especially nervous.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Ahh! Hello, Feral!

Feral: How are you all doing? How was your first week?

Housemates: Good / crazy / scary / etc.

Feral: Who said scary?

No Drama: I did. [Audience cheers for No Dramas.]

Feral: What was there to be scared about? Being nominated?

No Drama: Yeah, eviction, spiders in the bathroom, stuff like that.

Feral: I saw the spider in the bathroom incident. I think I would have run screaming from the shower, too! Good thing you weren’t naked.

No Dramas: No, not during the first week, Feral. Maybe later.

Feral: Alright, now where’s Magical_M? [Audience cheers for Magical_M.]

Magical_M: Yep. [Waves]

Feral: How did you find your first week in the House?

Magical_M: Interesting. Definitely very interesting. I had a lot of fun. I just hope it’s not all over.

Feral: Do you think you’ll be evicted tonight?

Magical_M: No way of knowing, Feral. There’s just no way of knowing. I hope not.

Feral: Fair enough. And how about TOBYtoby?

TOBYtoby: Hi Feral. [Audience cheers for TOBYtoby.]

Feral: Now you got yourself into a few heated arguments this week.

TOBYtoby: Yeah, that’s just what I’m like, I guess. Love me, love my mind!

Feral: I see. Do you think that may have contributed to you getting nominated?

TOBYtoby: Maybe, I’m not sure. You’d have to ask these guys.

Feral: Ah, but we’re not going to do that.

TOBYtoby: Nah, I guess not. [Laughs]

Feral: Did you and Audrey & The Bad Apples make up after your earlier disagreements?

TOBYtoby: Ah, we kind of came to a point where we know what each of us thinks about the other, and we’ll leave it at that.

Feral: Is that very healthy?

TOBYtoby: We’ll see. We’ll see. Maybe if I’m still here tomorrow we can sort it out, but …

Feral: Where’s Audrey & The Bad Apples?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Here! [Audience cheers for Audrey & The Bad Apples.]

Feral: How do you feel about talking to TOBYtoby about your disagreements?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Well, I don’t have any disagreements with him, so if he wants to tell me what the problem is, I’m happy to listen.

[Audience goes ‘Ooooooh!’ while TOBYtoby pretends to smile through his obvious discomfort.]

Feral: Oh-kay, it looks like we have some unresolved tensions, there.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Only unresolved in his mind, Feral. I don’t have any ongoing issues at all.

[Audience laughs; TOBYtoby looks like he’s getting quite mad.]

Feral: Well, happy 25th birthday for Friday, by the way.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Thank you, Feral! I had a great time.

Feral: That’s great. Okay, now who else have we got there? Where’s LittleFaerieGirl? [Audience cheers for LittleFaerieGirl.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Here I am.

Feral: Ah, now you went a little bit crazy at Audrey & The Bad Apples’ birthday party, didn’t you!

[Housemates laugh.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Apparently, haha.

Feral: What was it you tried to do, again?

LittleFaerieGirl: I tried to kiss everyone.

Feral: Was that just your way of meeting new people?

LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah, just making friends. But it didn’t work very well because I got nominated.

Feral: Well, that’s right – maybe it’s because you only ended up kissing two or three people.

[Audience laughs, impressed at Feral’s amazing memory retention.]

John Surname: I should have let her kiss me, maybe people wouldn’t have thought I was gay. [Audience cheers for John Surname.]

Feral: I think there were plenty of other reasons for them to think that about you, John Surname. But let’s talk about that seriously for a moment. You did a really courageous thing ‘going in’ like that in front of millions of viewers.

[Audience thinks it’s watching Oprah for a minute and bursts into supportive applause for the downtrodden man.]

Feral: Do you have any regrets about that?

John Surname: Nah, it was just the right time, ya know?

Feral: Absolutely. Well, well done to you. Good luck tonight. Good luck to all of you.

Housemates: Thanks / thanks Feral / cheers / etc.

Feral: I’m being handed the envelope, so it’s just about time for someone to join me on stage. [Audience changes it up a gear.] Are you ready?

Housemates: [Uncertainly] Yeah.

Feral: It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, No Dramas!

[Audience goes into conniptions. Housemates react in surprise and shock. No Dramas begins to cry.]

MelbourneGirl: <BEEP>!

LittleFaerieGirl: Wow, man.

No Dramas: It’s okay, it’s okay, I’ll get to see my family again, it’s all good.

Magical_M: See you soon, sweetie.

Steph: Bye, No Dramas!

Javatari: Farewell.

Tyson: See ya.

Clokeeeey: We’ll all see you soon, okay?

No Dramas: Yep.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. No Dramas, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

No Dramas: Bye everyone! Have a great time! [Leaves through open doorway.]

Housemates: Bye!

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Okay, so No Dramas is on her way to join me on stage, but before we do anything else, let’s cross back to the House for our second live eviction.

[Cut back to the House, where the Housemates are all still standing near the door, reacting in shock.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Ahh! You’re still there / hello, Feral / not another one / etc.

Feral: Yes, another one.

[The Housemates sit back down on the couch. The remaining four nominated Housemates start to look sick again.]

LittleFaerieGirl: It’s me, I just know it.

Magical_M: Shh, shh, shh!

Feral: I’m about to be handed the second envelope … [Her eyes turn red as she gets angry with someone off screen.] Well where is it? For crying out loud! [To the Housemates:] The floor manager here is mucking around with … oh, there it is. Thank you! [Collects herself. Her eyes return to their normal colour.]

[Housemates chuckle nervously. They may be more scared of Feral than of being evicted.]

Okay, here we go. [Audience changes it up a gear.]

Feral: It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the remaining nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, John Surname!

[Audience goes into even more conniptions. Housemates react in stunned silence, except for John Surname, who immediately stands up and starts shaking everyone’s hands.]

Steph: Oh, John!

John Surname: Nah, it’s cool, man. I had a great time, eh. It was fantastic.

TOBYtoby: See ya soon, dude.

John Surname: Absolutely.

Clokeeeey: Have a great night, Johnny.

Javatari: Farewell.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. John Surname, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Gav: See ya, buddy.

Magical_M: Bye John!

MelbourneGirl: [Looking into his eyes and speaking sternly about the voting public] Hey, that was a <BEEP>in’ bad decision, John, that was a <BEEP>!in’ bad decision! I’m tellin’ ya! Don’t feel bad about it!

John Surname: Nah, it’s all cool, man. I’m okay with that. Hey, I get to meet Rove! I love Rove. I’m gonna get his signature on something! He’s, like, my hero. He’s the best. So funny!

LittleFaerieGirl: I’m so shocked it wasn’t me. Have fun with Rove, though.

John Surname: Thanks.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. John Surname, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

Steph: Bye!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: See ya!

John Surname: [Leaving] Catch yas later!

[Cut back to Feral on stage]

Feral: We’ll be seeing John Surname in a minute, but first, let’s welcome our first Big Blogger Evictee to the stage: No Dramas!

[Audience goes troppo. No Dramas walks down the gang plank and greets Feral on stage.]

No Dramas: Hi Feral! Wow, such a big crowd!

Feral: Yeah, and they’re all screaming for you!

No Dramas: Wow, I can’t believe it! This is so cool. [They sit, and the audience stops its screaming.]

Feral: So tell me, how are you feeling now? Still scared?

No Dramas: Nah, this is cool!

[Audience does its ‘Jerry Springer’ thing.]

Feral: [Laughing] Well, congratulations, you were a wonderful Housemate. Now later on, on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils, you’re going to see who nominated you, but for now we’re going to have a look at the graph which shows the ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’ options. [Graph appears on screen.] Um, I don’t really understand what that says. Something about the median and the rule, with the X being equal to pi or whatever.

[Audience laughs at Feral’s stupidity.]

No Dramas: It just says that I’m evicted, that’s all that matters.

Feral: That’s right. Apparently it does say that. Well, now I’m going to give you your prizes. Here you are, you’ve got an empty plastic bottle and a bowl of extra spicy curry. Enjoy!

[Audience cheers.]

No Dramas: Er, thanks Feral.

Feral: Let’s hear it for Evictee Number One, No Dramas!

[Audience claps like crazy (which most of them are) as No Dramas exits the stage smiling and waving.]

Feral: And now let’s welcome to the stage our second evictee: John Surname!

[Audience goes nuts again. John Surname walks down the gang plank and greets Feral on stage.]

John Surname: Hey there, Feral! Hi everyone!

[Audience continues to scream. A lot. Too much, actually. It’s hurting my ears as I type this.]

John Surname: Far out, this is amazing. [They sit, and the audience calms down.]

Feral: So what are you thinking right now?

John Surname: Wow, I dunno. It’s too much of a mind-spin!

Feral: [Laughing] I understand. Well, you’ll be doing the traveling interview circuit with No Dramas from tomorrow morning, and you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils later tonight.

John Surname: Cool!

Feral: He’s going to show you who nominated you, but right now let’s look at your graph. [A different graph appears on screen.] Okay, so there’s both ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’ this year.

John Surname: Okay.

Feral: And I don’t understand a thing that’s telling me. But anyway, you had the second-highest number of votes after the merge.

John Surname: Fair enough. I’m cool with that.

Feral: That’s good to hear. Did you enjoy your time on Big Blogger?

John Surname: Well, it was a little short, but I ne—

Feral: [Interrupting] That’s excellent. We’ve got to go, so I have to quickly give you your prizes. Here you are; a windscreen wiper blade and a block of cheese!

[Audience cheers.]

John Surname: [Stunned silence.]

Feral: Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Two, John Surname!

[Audience applauds in a frenzy as John Surname exits the stage waving.]

Feral: Okay, that’s it for tonight’s show. Remember, Big Blogger 2006 is full of surprises at every turn, so don’t miss a minute of it. I’ve been Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where the first two Evictees have left the House, but we’ve only just begun. Good night!

[Audience literally cheers its guts out.]

Mike: [Voice over] Tune in next week to see how the House coped with losing its first two Housemates! Did Tyson and Steph’s relationship make any progress? Did anyone else hook up? Who will win the next edition of Friday Night Live? And who will be evicted? There’s only one way to find out – catch next week’s episode, and remember to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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