Big Blogger - Week 2

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience misses its cue for a second and almost forgets to scream. Luckily for everyone involved, someone with a headset down the front waves their arms and the audience starts screaming before anyone notices.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody!

[Audience stops screaming to see if Feral has said anything interesting.]

[Nope.]

Feral: Hello and welcome to Big Blogger - Week 2. Well! What an incredible week it was in the House this week! There was enough action going on inside those four walls to rival the Middle Eastern conflict of … um … [Feral spaces out as she realises she doesn’t know enough about any ‘Middle Eastern conflict’ to finish the analogy. She blinks and changes the subject. No one notices.]

Feral: Later on tonight we’re going to be evicting our third Big Blogger Housemate, and they’ll be joining us here on stage. We’ll also have a chance to catch up with last week’s evictees No Dramas and John Surname. But before any of that, we have seven days of excitement and intrigue to catch up on!

[Cut to video footage of the House immediately after No Dramas and John Surname were evicted last Wednesday night.]

Feral: [Voice over] The week began with the House having to face the fallout of their first eviction – and it was a double!

[Various shots of Housemates walking around in a daze, hands over their mouths and muttering comments of disbelief.]

Magical_M: It’s just so hard to comprehend, isn’t it. One minute they were here and the next minute they’re suddenly gone.

LittleFaerieGirl: It’s such a spin-out.

Gav: I actually quite liked No Dramas. Apart from all the crying and stuff.

TOBYtoby: I couldn’t stand her, to be honest.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oh shut up, TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: I’m just expressing an opinion, if that’s alright with you, Audrey!

Audrey: You don’t have to come in here and spoil the mood by hacking on a girl who isn’t here to defend herself!

TOBYtoby: Oh, whatever.

Magical_M: Guys, guys – let’s just calm down, okay?

[TOBYtoby storms off.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: What a jerk.

Feral: [Voice over] So while most Housemates tried to recover from the loss of two of their own, one slipped away to have some time to himself.

[Cut to TOBYtoby sitting by himself in the sauna, with a towel around his waist. He sits there scowling to himself for a few moments before we cut away.]

[The other Housemates are preparing the evening meal in the kitchen.]

Tyson: [Serving up the meal] Where’s TOBYtoby?

LittleFaerieGirl: He went off for a sook somewhere.

Tyson: Well, we’re gonna have to serve up the meals now, can someone go find him?

Javatari: I shall locate him momentarily. [He waves his hand over the kitchen bench, and a small-scale model of the Big Blogger House appears. There is a small blue flashing light in the section that represents the sauna.] Fear not; he is in the sauna.

Tyson: Wow, you gotta teach me how to do that someday, dude.

Javatari: No I don’t.

MelbourneGirl: TOBYtoby! Get ya <BEEP>ing <BEEP> in here! It’s dinnertime!

[Cut to sauna. TOBYtoby hears her but stays where he is.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Just forget about him. He can have his food later.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Put it in the fridge.

MelbourneGirl: He’d better not complain that we didn’t tell him.

Feral: [Voice over] Once all the other Housemates had eaten, TOBYtoby emerged from the sauna and ate his meal in silence. Afterwards, he noticed Audrey & The Bad Apples having a late night spa on her own, and went outside to talk to her.]

TOBYtoby: [Forcing himself to be civil] How is it?

Audrey &The Bad Apples: Huh?

TOBYtoby: [Clearly uncomfortable] How’s the spa?

Audrey &The Bad Apples: [Wary] Good …

[Awkward pause.]

Audrey &The Bad Apples: You getting in?

TOBYtoby: I was thinking about it, but I can come back later.

Audrey &The Bad Apples: Nah, that’s cool. I won’t bite.

[They both smile.]

[Cut to the bedroom, where all the other Housemates are lying around on the beds and talking.]

Steph: I hope No Dramas and John Surname are having a great time out there.

Tyson: Yeah, I’m sure John’s the belle of the ball!

[They all laugh.]

Magical_M: Oooh, I wonder what prizes they won! I hope it’s a car or something.

LittleFaerieGirl: That’d be cool. I need a new car.

Magical_M: Audrey was saying before that she doesn’t even drive.

Steph: Where is Audrey?

[Cut back to the spa. TOBYtoby and Audrey & The Bad Apples are locked in a passionate embrace, kissing each other as if their lives depended on it.]

[Audience goes ‘Wooooooooooooo!’]

[Cut back to Feral in the studio.]

Feral: [Laughing] Yes, things really started to heat up in the spa on Wednesday night, in more ways than one!

[Audience laughs because they’re just happy that someone is ‘getting some’.]

Feral: Before we go any further, it’s time to welcome our evictees from last week. Please give them a big hand; No Dramas and John Surname!

[Audience goes crazy, because these people spent seven days in an online living arrangement, so clearly they are bigger celebrities now than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The two former Housemates enter and wave.]

No Dramas: Hi Feral, you look lovely.

John Surname: Hey Feral. Nice shoes!

Feral: Thank you, No Dramas. Thank you, John. I see you’re wearing normal clothes tonight, John.

John: Yeah, I thought it was time to try something a bit more suited to the ‘new me’, ya know?

[Audience applauds in support of his brave stance as a straight man.]

Feral: Absolutely. Well, it looks great.

John Surname: Thank you, Feral.

Feral: So tell me, No Dramas – what was your week like?

No Dramas: It was crazy! We were up at the crack of dawn doing radio interviews and meeting with newspapers and magazines and stuff. Unbelievable!

Feral: And John, did you get a chance to meet your hero?

John Surname: [Excitedly] Yes! We were on Rove the other night and it was heaps fun! I was hoping he’d give me a job, but he said there weren’t any jobs spare. He took my CV, though.

Feral: You consider yourself a bit of a comedian, do you?

John Surname: Oh, yeah. Everyone thinks I’m pretty funny.

Feral: Fair enough. Now I can’t ask you anything else – do you know why?

John Surname: [Sheepishly] Um, yeah. I’m the only one who never returned the Big Blogger Questionnaire, aren’t I.

Feral: That’s right. But it’s not too late. You can fill it in and send it back to Big Blogger any time, hopefully soon.

John Surname: Yep, sorry Feral. I’m a bad bloke.

Feral: It’s okay, John. Don’t sweat it. But if you could send it in, that’d be great.

John Surname: Okay.

[At this point the audience is confused. Is this really part of the interview, or is the writer trying to send a cleverly hidden message to someone out there in the real world? They may never know.]

Feral: [To No Dramas] So how have people been receiving you since you were evicted? What’s been the one thing they’ve asked you about?

No Dramas: Why I cry so much. But I don’t. Not really.

[Audience laughs.]

No Dramas: [Laughing too] Well, I’m going to work on that.

Feral: That’s okay; you’re allowed to cry. Don’t let anyone tell you that crying is wrong. Right, John?

John Surname: Yep. Crying’s a great release.

No Dramas: Yeah, but apparently I do it all the time.

Feral: Oh yes, you absolutely do. But it’s still fine! It’s who you are.

No Dramas: Yeah. [Pause] They also said I screamed a lot!

Feral: There you go, see? You’re a complex character.

No Dramas: [Uncertain] Mmm … [Rolls her eyes.]

Feral: You are! Don’t roll your eyes at me!

No Dramas: Sorry! [Picks them up and pops them back in.]

Feral: Ladies and gentlemen, please thank No Dramas and John Surname!

[Audience gives them the ‘A-okay’ signal.]

Feral: And now it’s time to go back to the House and see what happened on Thursday morning.

[Cut to footage of the Housemates just waking up.]

Feral: [Voice over] It’s 9:08am, and the sun’s been up for a few hours now. But this is the first time any of the Housemates have stirred since they all went to bed well after midnight.

[MelbourneGirl is the first one to stand up and stagger towards the bathroom. As she passes the last bed, she give a double-take in surprise.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh. My. <BEEP>.

Magical_M: [Beginning to stir] What is it?

MelbourneGirl: Look at this.

[Cut to a shot of TOBYtoby and Audrey & The Bad Apples lying in the bed, fully clothed but passed out in each other’s arms. The other girls all laugh.]

[Cut to the Housemates having breakfast. TOBYtoby and Audrey & The Bad Apples are sitting next to each other whispering back and forth between themselves. Steph and Tyson are spending less and less time together. Gav is sitting across from Steph but she is only talking to LittleFaerieGirl on her right. MelbourneGirl and Clokeeeey are making breakfast together in the kitchen.]

Clokeeeey: Where are the eggs?

MelbourneGirl: I left them on the bench for you.

Clokeeeey: Thanks honey.

[Cut to the girls watching them from across the room.]

LittleFaerieGirl: They’re a sweet couple, aren’t they?

Magical_M: Yeah.

Steph: It’s not fair, though.

Magical_M: What isn’t?

Steph: Them. Being a couple.

LittleFaerieGirl: Twice the chance to win, you mean?

Steph: Oh, not only that. They have someone they know and trust they can turn to; the rest of us don’t have that.

Magical_M: True. I hadn’t thought of it like that.

Steph: And they won’t nominate each other, so they’re guaranteed at least one person not to vote for them.

LittleFaerieGirl: [Realising the full extent of the injustice] Hey yeah! And that means they could sorta ‘corner’ someone they didn’t want in the House and give them double points for eviction, really.

Steph: Yeah.

Magical_M: [Thoughtfully] Hmm, it doesn’t seem right, does it.

[Silence while the girls continue to watch Clokeeeey and MelbourneGirl in the kitchen, but this time they aren’t as cheery about what they see.]

MelbourneGirl: Breakfast’s nearly ready!

Feral: [Voice over] And so the seeds of distrust were sown. But how would it affect the House?

[Cut to later in the day. Magical_M and MelbourneGirl are sun baking outside.]

Magical_M: So where did you and Clokeeeey meet?

MelbourneGirl: At a wedding.

Magical_M: Really? How cool!

MelbourneGirl: Yeah, I was catering and he was the groom.

Magical_M: [Unsure how to take this] Oh. I see.

MelbourneGirl: [Laughing] Just <BEEP>ing kidding, Magical_M! Ha! You should have seen your <BEEP>ing face!!

Magical_M: [Not finding it very funny] Ha.

[Pause while MelbourneGirl catches her breath from laughing.]

MelbourneGirl: We were both guests, that’s all.

Magical_M: [Getting serious] It must be really good to have him in here with you.

MelbourneGirl: Oh, yeah. He’s lovely. I couldn’t do this without him, I don’t reckon.

Magical_M: No?

MelbourneGirl: Nah, he’s my rock. He’s lovely.

Magical_M: He certainly is lovely.

MelbourneGirl: Yeah.

[Pause]

Magical_M: It makes it easier for you, I bet.

MelbourneGirl: Easier than what?

Magical_M: Well, you know …

[Pause. MelbourneGirl is starting to note Magical_M’s tone.]

MelbourneGirl: No. You tell me, Magical_M.

Magical_M: Well, easier than it is for everyone else.

MelbourneGirl: Why do you say that?

Magical_M: Well, it’s just that you’ve got your support person and can rely on each other in a way that no one else can.

MelbourneGirl: You can rely on me too, Magical_M. You can rely on anyone you want to.

Magical_M: It’s not the same thing, though.

MelbourneGirl: Yes it is!

Magical_M: No it’s not.

MelbourneGirl: It is! Tell me how it’s different.

[Both girls are starting to raise their voices in a heated argument now.]

Magical_M: Well, for starters, I don’t know anyone else here so I can’t trust them. Also, everyone in here is hoping to win, so nobody’s ever going to honestly look out for me like my fiancé would!

MelbourneGirl: Oh, that is rubbish.

Magical_M: Not it’s not!

MelbourneGirl: Utter rubbish!

Magical_M: Are you telling me that you and Clokeeeey wouldn’t stand up for each other to someone else in here?

MelbourneGirl: Well of course we would!

Magical_M: There you go, then.

MelbourneGirl: No, hold on a minute. I’d stand up for anyone in here. We’re all friends.

Magical_M: No way is it the same kind of friendship as with him.

MelbourneGirl: No, it’s not the same – but I’m not going to bad-mouth anyone behind their back, either. I’m not like that.

Magical_M: What about your double chance at evicting someone you don’t like or who’s a threat to you winning?

MelbourneGirl: I can’t believe this! We don’t evict anyone, Magical_M. We only nominate them.

Magical_M: Well, ‘nominate’, then. That’s what I mean.

MelbourneGirl: And second, we’re not allowed to discuss nominations with anyone, and that includes each other!

Magical_M: Yeah, but there’s other ways to make it obvious.

MelbourneGirl: Like how?

Magical_M: I’m not going to say!

MelbourneGirl: ‘Cos there’s no such way.

Magical_M: There is! I’m just not going to give you any ideas.

MelbourneGirl: So you’re saying I’d cheat, are you?

Magical_M: I don’t know what you’d do -- I don’t know you! That’s my whole point.

MelbourneGirl: Well, clearly you don’t, because there’s no way I’d cheat and it’s offensive that you’re suggesting it.

Magical_M: I’m just saying that you have an advantage.

MelbourneGirl: “Advantage”?! <BEEP>, I’ve got a <BEEP>ing advantage! What a load of <BEEP>.

Magical_M: No --

MelbourneGirl: That’s such a load of <BEEP>, Magical_M.

Magical_M: Can I talk, please?

MelbourneGirl: No you <BEEP>ing may not! You’re talking absolute <BEEP>.

Magical_M: Well that’s my point. I don’t know you and --

MelbourneGirl: That’s right, you <BEEP>ing don’t!

Magical_M: That’s right!

MelbourneGirl: Right!

[They sit and fume in silence for a moment.]

MelbourneGirl: Such <BEEP> <BEEP>.

Magical_M: Oh, all right.

MelbourneGirl: Well don’t sit there and accuse me of <BEEP>ing cheating when you don’t know --

Magical_M: I didn’t accuse you of anything! Excuse me!

MelbourneGirl: I’m talking, don’t <BEEP>ing interrupt me!

Magical_M: I’m not going to listen to you! [Stands up and starts to walk into the House.]

MelbourneGirl: Where are you going?

Magical_M: I’m not going to be abused for stating my opinion.

MelbourneGirl: Abused? You’re not being a-<BEEP>ing-bused! What a stupid thing to say!

Magical_M: Ohh! That’s it. [Enters House.]

MelbourneGirl: [Yelling] That’s really mature, Magical_M! Just <BEEP>ing walk away! Good one!

Magical_M: [Yelling back from inside the House] Just shut up, MelbourneGirl!

MelbourneGirl: No! [Pause.] You <BEEP>ing shut up!

[Cut to Magical_M in the kitchen, as Audrey and LittleFaerieGirl run up to her, attracted by all the shouting.]

Magical_M: [Starting to cry] <BEEP>ing <BEEP>! She’s such a <BEEP>!

Audrey& The Bad Apples: Why? What happened?

Magical_M: She just started yelling and swearing at me!

LittleFaerieGirl: What’d you say?

Magical_M: Nothing! I was just talking about the advantage she and Clokeeeey have in here, and she started calling me names and yelling.

[She continues to cry on Audrey’s shoulder while Audrey and LittleFaerieGirl look at each other doubtfully.]

Feral: [Voice over] So while new tensions were revealed between the girls, the boys soon discovered a new surprise.

[Cut to later in the day. The boys are kicking a football around the yard.]

Tyson: Kick it here! [Runs towards the side wall. Gav kicks it to him, but aims at the wall so Tyson has to jump into it. Tyson slams into the wall as he catches the ball.] Oww!

Gav: Sorry Tyson. [Smiles to himself.]

TOBYtoby: Hey, what’s that? [Points to where Tyson hit the wall.]

Clokeeeey: Where?

Javatari: It is a porthole to another dimension.

TOBYtoby: Nah, it’s just a door.

Gav: A door? Really?

Tyson: I wonder where it goes.

TOBYtoby: [Stepping forward] Let’s find out. [He pushes on it and it clicks open. Inside is a collection of animal pens containing various farm animals. The Housemates have discovered the Big Blogger Farm.]

Tyson: Wow!

Clokeeeey: Hey, cool! That cow’s black and white!

Javatari: The smell displeases me.

Gav: Yeah, man. It stinks in there. I wonder when they were last fed.

Tyson: Oh, I hope they haven’t been waiting for us to feed them all week!

[Gav’s frown shows how stupid he thinks that suggestion is, but Tyson isn’t looking at him to notice.]

[Cut to the boys crowding into the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Housemates.

Guys: Big Blogger!

TOBYtoby: Um, Big Blogger, we just found the secret farm yard, and we were wondering if we’re going to be looking after the animals.

Big Blogger: Yes.

Tyson: How long has it been since they were fed?

Big Blogger: Big Blogger has fed the animals every day. However, they might appreciate a feed this evening.

Tyson: Cool!

Big Blogger: Is there anything else?

Housemates: Nah.

Big Blogger: That is all.

[Cut to the boys leaving the Diary Room, encountering the girls walking from the bathroom to the bedroom.]

Clokeeeey: Hey, honey, c’mere!

Tyson: We found a farm! It’s full of animals!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: What? Where?

[All the Housemates hurry out to the Big Blogger Farm, which has now opened out completely to reveal an open air area with proper natural lighting and good airflow (don’t worry). There is much excited squealing and laughter as the Housemates tour the farm and meet the animals. There is one cow, three sheep, two goats, three pigs, one turkey, two geese, two ducks, five chickens and – perplexingly – a Galápagos tortoise. Tyson is showing Steph the goats. Magical_M and Gav are patting the cow. Clokeeeey and MelbourneGirl are looking at the pigs (but keeping their distance). Javatari is playing with the chickens. TOBYtoby and Audrey & The Bad Apples are fussing over the sheep. LittleFaerieGirl is on her knees in front of the turkey.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Ooh! You’re a big turkey, aren’t you! You look delicious!

[The Housemates all laugh.]

LittleFaerieGirl: I wonder if we’re allowed to cook you up for dinner if our shopping budget is especially low next week!

[The turkey spreads its wings in a threatening manner and squawks at her, then turns around to run away. As it turns, its wing smacks LittleFaerieGirl in the side of the face.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Oww!

[She sits back on her haunches and rubs her face. The scare and shock of the moment quickly passes.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Hey, the turkey hit me! He knew what I was saying and he hit me in the face!

[She begins to laugh. The Housemates can see that LittleFaerieGirl is okay and they all laugh with her.]

MelbourneGirl: [Through her laughter] Really? Are you okay?

LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah, I’m alright. It wasn’t very hard; it was just feathers. But it scared me a little and I think he didn’t like what I was saying!

Clokeeeey: Hey everyone! LittleFaerieGirl just got turkey-slapped!

[The Housemates all laugh even harder, except for LittleFaerieGirl, who clearly doesn’t find that comment very funny at all.]

Feral: [Voice over] But once the novelty of the Big Blogger Farm wore off, it didn’t take long for the Housemates’ fights to be rekindled …

[Cut to that night, with MelbourneGirl and Magical_M in mid-argument in the kitchen.]

Magical_M: I don’t care what you think, MelbourneGirl – this is how I feel about it, okay?

MelbourneGirl: No it’s not okay, because I find that really offensive!

[Cut to later that night, with MelbourneGirl and Magical_M still arguing in the lounge.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh, don’t be so stupid, Magical_M. That’s just a <BEEP>ing stupid thing to say!

Magical_M: Why is it stupid? Because you can’t accept anything anyone else says? You’re just close-minded!

[Cut to later that night, with MelbourneGirl and Magical_M still arguing in the yard.]

Magical_M: It doesn’t matter what you say to me about this, MelbourneGirl, it’s not just up to you anyway.

MelbourneGirl: No it’s not. There are eleven other Housemates here that we all have to consider --

Magical_M: Yes! All of us!

[Cut to later that night, with MelbourneGirl and Magical_M still arguing in the bathroom.]

MelbourneGirl: Do you even realise what you’re saying? Huh? Can you hear yourself?

Magical_M: Not really, no. Not over all your yelling!

[Cut to later that night, with MelbourneGirl and Magical_M still arguing in the bedroom.]

Magical_M: You don’t have to make that point again, you know. That’s all you’ve been saying all day.

MelbourneGirl: I haven’t been saying the one <BEEP>ing thing at all! I’ve been <BEEP>ing saying ten or twenty <BEEP>ing things!

[Cut to LittleFaerieGirl, Steph and Audrey & The Bad Apples watching the argument from another bed, looking extremely unimpressed.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Under her breath] Why’d Magical_M have to start up such a lot argument? Why does she just keep on about it?

Steph: [Under her breath] It’s getting unbearable.

[Cut to all the male Housemates in the sauna.]

Tyson: They’re still going, out there.

TOBYtoby: I’m gonna sit it out in here. No way I’m going out there, man. [Laughs]

Clokeeeey: Me neither.

Gav: You’ve got to!

Clokeeeey: No I don’t. I know well enough to stay out of it.

Javatari: Are they using sulfur rocks in here, or did someone just fart?

Feral: [Voice over] And the next day, the arguing continued all the way up to Friday Night Live.

[Cut to MelbourneGirl and Clokeeeey, dressed up as a zebra and a hippo respectively.]

MelbourneGirl: I can’t believe you weren’t standing up for me, she was absolutely screaming at me, and where were you?

Clokeeeey: I was standing up for you! I was standing up to you with the guys!

MelbourneGirl: I didn’t need standing up for with the guys! There was an argument going on in the bedroom that’d been going for hours and you were nowhere to be seen!

Clokeeeey: I didn’t think you’d want me to fight your battles for you …

MelbourneGirl: I don’t <BEEP>ing want you to fight my battles for me, but there’s a big difference between being there to show your support in silence and lurking off to hide in the sauna with your mates!

Clokeeeey: That’s not how it is, honey, and you know it.

MelbourneGirl: Don’t ‘honey’ me! I don’t <BEEP>ing know anything. All I know is that when I really needed you the most, you were more concerned with being with your buddies –

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

[Housemates fall silent and look up, because apparently that helps them to listen to a disembodied voice. They are all dressed as animals and are wearing bike helmets.]

Big Blogger: Housemates, welcome to Friday Night Live. The theme for this Friday Night Live is … The Zoo.

[While we hear Big Blogger continue, we are shown various clips of the Housemates competing in games and tasks involving giant animal- and cage-related props, unknown messy substances, and a trophy at the end for the winner.]

Big Blogger: Housemates will begin in teams, but there will be only one winner. The last remaining Housemate will win four prizes; the Friday Night Live trophy, the right to affect nominations, two nights in the Rewards Room with a Housemate of your choice, and the three boxes. Housemates, prepare to visit the zoo. Audrey & The Bad Apples, Clokeeeey, Steph, LittleFaerieGirl, Tyson … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare to eat. MelbourneGirl, Gav, Javatari … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Magical_M, TOBYtoby … you are about to compete in the final of tonight’s games. The winner will be the Housemate who escapes from the zoo in the fastest possible time. Prepare to escape. TOBYtoby, you are the winner of Friday Night Live. Congratulations. Approach the winner’s podium and collect your trophy. Losing Housemates, celebrate your champion.

TOBYtoby: Yeah! [Holds trophy – a miniature golden lion in a cage on a block of wood – above his head as the other Housemates surround and cheer for him.]

[Cut to footage of the Friday Night Live desk.]

Mike: Well that’s two weeks in a row that a male Housemate has won Friday Night Live. Apparently they test the games on males and female during the week, and females are always the last to finish them. Do you think that means we need to re-design them or something?

Whee Um-ah: Re-design the girls? Nah, that’s unpossible! [Chews gum.]

Mike: Ditzy?

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: Uh, I reckon there’s stuff wot girls are good at, like cookin’ an’ cleanin’ an’ ‘at, and there’s stuff wot guys is good at, like winnin’ Friday Night Games!

Mike: [Correcting him] Live.

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: [Stares blankly at Mike for a moment.] You’ve wot?

[Audience laughs]

Mike: Doesn’t matter. Who wants to eat a doughnut? We can make this segment last for twenty minutes if we have to! And we have to!

[Cut to TOBYtoby in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, who do you choose to take to the Rewards Room, and why?

TOBYtoby: Um, definitely Audrey & The Bad Apples. I choose her because we had our differences in the beginning, but I think she’s someone I could really get to know a lot better if we were on our own in there.

[Audience does its “Ooooo-ooooooh!” thing again.]

TOBYtoby: And I like kissing her! [Laughs]

[Audience laughs along with him. It’s such a funny line.]

[Cut to TOBYtoby and Audrey & The Bad Apples in the Rewards Room, facing the three boxes.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, which box do you choose?

TOBYtoby: Box number two, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: You may open box number two now.

[He does.]

TOBYtoby: A block of chocolate. That’s alright; I love chocolate. Oh no! It’s marzipan! I hate <BEEP>ing marzipan!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Ha! Hahahaha … Ah, no! I’ll have it! [He gives it to her, then hands her the chocolate.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, the marzipan-filled chocolate is yours to keep. You may check the other boxes now.

TOBYtoby: Just a minute, Big Blogger, I’m a little busy right now.

[Cut to twenty seconds later. TOBYtoby opens box one] unlimited pizzas for the whole House for a week … [opening box three] and a trip to Rome and the Vatican.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Laughing] Oh, man! Rome!

TOBYtoby: Yeah, but also I would have loved to have unlimited pizzas for a week! That would have been great!

Feral: [Voice over] Meanwhile, another pair of Housemates were discovering that they may not have so much in common after all.

[Cut to Tyson and Steph, sitting alone in the gym.]

Tyson: So whaddaya think? You reckon we should just cool it a bit? See how things pan out?

Steph: Maybe. Is that what you think?

Tyson: Well, I dunno. That depends.

Steph: Depends on what?

Tyson: On what you think.

[Steph scoffs slightly. Both are smiling and there is no anger.]

Tyson: I just mean, I don’t want to upset you. I think you’re a great person and I’ve loved getting to know you, so I certainly don’t want to offend you.

Steph: No, I know you don’t. I think you’re a great guy too. I don’t want things to get weird, that’s all.

Tyson: They won’t get weird. I promise.

Steph: But how do you know?

Tyson: How can things possibly get weird? If we’re both happy with calling it a day, then we can’t possibly have a problem with it.

Steph: But what if one of us hooks up with someone else later?

Tyson: I’d be fine with that. [Pause] Wouldn’t you?

Steph: I guess so …

[Long pause. The camera cuts to a long shot of them alone in the entire gym and yard area. They appear to be quite a lonely pair. Faint laughter can be heard from the Rewards Room. Suddenly, the Rewards Room door opens.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Yelling out to Tyson and Steph] Guess what? TOBYtoby won a block of chocolate but he hates marzipan!

Steph: Ooh! I love marzipan!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, but it can’t leave the Rewards Room.

Steph: [Deflated] Oh yeah.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: But it’s all good’ I get to eat it all! Yummy!

Feral: [Voice over] Later, TOBYtoby is called to the Diary Room for his next task as the Insider …

[Cut to the Diary Room, where TOBYtoby is waiting.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Big Blogger!

Big Blogger: As Big Blogger’s Insider, you will occasionally be given tasks to carry out in secret.

TOBYtoby: Yep.

Big Blogger: If you succeed at these tasks, you will receive a personal reward. If you fail, you will automatically be nominated for aviction.

TOBYtoby: Yep.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby. Big Blogger has a new task for you.

TOBYtoby: [Smiles] Yep.

Big Blogger: Big Blogger would like something to wear. [TOBYtoby frowns in confusion.] Big Blogger wants you to remove all the clothing from one of your Housemates, and bring it to the Diary Room. Only the clothes this person is currently wearing can be left in the House. Every other article of clothing they own in the House must be brought to the Diary Room. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: Yes Big Blogger. [He is grinning.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby. The Housemate whose clothes you are to bring to Big Blogger is … LittleFaerieGirl.

TOBYtoby: Okay.

Big Blogger: You have ten minutes, starting now.

Feral: [Voice over] So while all the other Housemates were relaxing in the spa outside, the Insider set about immediately trying to locate all of LittleFaerieGirl’s clothes from the House. He began by checking for anything in the bathroom, but there were no clothes there. He then proceeded straight to the bedroom, grabbed what he thought was LittleFaerieGirl’s suitcase, and began throwing all the clothes he found folded on the bed inside. Once he’d packed everything up, he closed the suitcase and ran it to the Diary Room.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: Leave the suitcase there. Return to the House, and say nothing of this to your Housemates. Big Blogger will inform you if your mission has been a success.

TOBYtoby: Thanks, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: That is all.

Feral: [Voice over] So TOBYtoby ran straight back out to the spa and tried to blend in to the Housemates’ conversation. An hour or so later, the girls decided to head back to the bedroom. TOBYtoby disappeared into the Rewards Room to avoid any fallout.

[Cut to the girls in the bedroom, wearing their swimming suits and wrapped in their towels.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Hey, has anyone seen my clothes?

Magical_M: Huh?

LittleFaerieGirl: My clothes that I washed and folded today. I left them on my bed.

Magical_M: I dunno.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Where’s my bag?

Steph: What’s going on?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: My suitcase has been moved. It was right here before, and now it’s gone.

LittleFaerieGirl: And someone’s stolen all my clothes. Okay, not all my clothes, but everything I washed today.

MelbourneGirl: Maybe you should ask Big Blogger, girls.

[Cut to LittleFaerieGirl, Magical_M and Audrey & The Bad Apples in the Dairy Room.]

Big Blogger: Housemates.

Girls: Hi, Big Blogger.

LittleFaerieGirl: Big Blogger, do you know what happened to the clothes I left on my bed?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: And my suitcase?

[Pause]

Big Blogger: Big Blogger suggests you discuss this matter with your fellow Housemates.

Magical_M: Ooooh! Someone’s up to something!

[Cut to the girls leaving the Diary Room.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Who was in the bedroom?

Magical_M: No one! We were all in the spa!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I’m gonna see if TOBYtoby just moved my suitcase to the Rewards Room for me or something. [She heads outside and calls to the guys in the spa as she passes.] Hey, someone took some of our stuff.

Gav: What stuff?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: My <BEEP>ing suitcase and some of LittleFaerieGirl’s clothes. Was it any of you guys?

Guys: No / not me / nah / I’ve been in here the whole time.

[Audrey & The Bad Apples enters the Rewards Room and finds TOBYtoby lying on the bed eating a bowl of ice cream.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Did you bring my suitcase in here?

TOBYtoby: No. Why?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oh, nothing. It’s <BEEP>ing-well gone missing. So has some of LittleFaerieGirl’s clothes, and I thought maybe you’d brought them in here or something. [As she gives the room a quick search, the camera zooms in on TOBYtoby’s face. He looks very pale.]

TOBYtoby: Nah, sorry. [Pause] So … what happened?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: We don’t know. We’re just trying to find them. Big Blogger said we should discuss it with our Housemates so it must be someone here doing it as a prank or something. You didn’t do it, did you?

TOBYtoby: [Without flinching] No, of course not. [Pause] So what’s in it?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Just everything I own! All I’ve got left to wear is this swimming suit and towel!

TOBYtoby: [Beginning to smile] Hmm, so it’s not all bad news, then!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: This is serious! I need all my stuff! I’m going to call everyone together.

[She exits the Rewards Room, and TOBYtoby puts his head in his hands and lets out a deep breath.]

Feral: [Voice over] So TOBYtoby failed his Insider task, meaning he was automatically nominated again. In the conversation with all the Housemates that followed, though, he managed to avoid detection. In fact, no one remembered him even leaving the spa area to visit the Diary Room. And some of the girls were able to lend Audrey & The Bad Apples and LittleFaerieGirl some clothes that would fit them. Amongst all the fuss, things seemed to take a turn for the better for Gav. Once it was common knowledge that Steph and Tyson were no longer an item, Gav decided to make his presence felt.

[Cut to all the Housemates lounging around on the beds. Steph and Gav are lying at right angles to each other.]

Gav: You have great legs.

Steph: Really? [Laughs] I never thought so. I think I’ve got a great bum, though. [She rolls over.] See?

Gav: [Swallowing in nervousness] Uh, yeah.

Steph: But that’s nothing. [She rolls onto her back again, and starts undoing buttons.] What do you think of these?


<CENSORED>


[The camera zooms in on Gav’s wide eyes. There is a long pause.]

Gav: [In a squeaky voice] … Nice!

[He blinks and gets up off the bed.]

Gav: Um, excuse me a minute. [He leaves the bedroom. Steph shrugs, puts everything back the way it was, and thinks nothing more of it. Gav runs out into the backyard and doubles over, his hands on his knees, taking deep breaths.]

[Audience laughs at Gav. Viewers laugh at Gav. Everyone laughs at Gav.]

Feral: [Voice over] The following day, one Housemate in particular seemed to get on everybody’s nerves. And they didn’t even realise what was happening.

[Cut to Clokeeeey in the backyard, holding a football and ‘lecturing’ the other Housemates, who are lounging around on towels in the sun, on the finer arts of Australian Rules Football.]

Clokeeeey: So you hold the ball like this, see? And when you kick it to someone, what happens?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Your heels get stuck in the ground? [The Housemates laugh quietly.]

Clokeeeey: [Missing the joke] No, you’re wearing sneakers. Hopefully your teammate who you’re kicking it to … ? [He raises his eyebrows and waits for someone to supply the answer.]

Steph: [Resigned] Catches it.

Clokeeeey: WRONG! Okay? He marks it.

Steph: What does that mean?

Clokeeeey: It means he catches it.

Steph: Right. Then that means I was correct.

Clokeeeey: Nah, wrong word. AFL uses the word ‘mark’ for ‘catch’.

Steph: Well Steph doesn’t! It’s a catch, even if you’re calling it something else, so don’t yell ‘wrong’ at me.

Clokeeeey: [Sighing – these Sydney girls will never learn!] I was after the right name for what happens, though. Anyway, let’s move on.

Steph: [Quietly, to LittleFaerieGirl and Magical_M] What a weirdo!

Javatari: [Who is sitting nearby] Yes, he is a remarkably strange one, that fellow.

[Cut back to Clokeeeey simulating kicking a ball, then marking it himself, then running down the field, kicking the ball to another player again, marking it again, and finally kicking a goal. As he does so, he accidentally kicks the ball into one of the mirrors that surround the yard, sending glass everywhere. The Housemates all jump to their feet and run to the broken section of the mirror.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. All Housemates to the bedroom immediately.

[The Housemates, keen to see inside the ‘run’ where the cameras are located, are hesitant to leave the yard.]

Big Blogger: Clokeeeey, for damaging the Big Blogger House, that’s a five thousand dollar fine. Any Housemate who is not in the bedroom in thirty seconds will also be fined.

[The Housemates run to the bedroom, with the exception of MelbourneGirl and Clokeeeey, who are arguing about the smashed mirror.]

MelbourneGirl: It was just stupid, that’s all!

Clokeeeey: Yes, but I was just playing footy!

MelbourneGirl: Well you didn’t have to kick it straight into the glass, did you! Where’s everyone going?

Clokeeeey: I dunno.

[MelbourneGirl follows them into the bedroom while Clokeeeey looks out at the yard with remorse. He is looking for his football, but it is lost in the ‘run’ and he won’t be getting it back.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Clokeeeey, for not being in the bedroom at the end of the thirty seconds, that’s another five thousand dollar fine.

Clokeeeey: <BEEP>! [He runs to the bedroom, but finds nothing but anger there.] Sorry, I didn’t hear him say we’d get fined if we didn’t come in here!

Gav: Good one, Clokeeeey. Two fines in one minute. You almost beat Audrey for the record.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Hey! [Reflective pause] Nah, fair enough. I’ll pay that.

Clokeeeey: [Trying to lighten the mood but underestimating how scornful people are feeling towards him right now] Well, I’ll just have to continue the lesson with a pillow, instead! [He grabs his pillow and begins to ‘educate’ his audience on Australian Rules Football techniques. The other Housemates, trapped in the bedroom with him, are forced to endure it.]

Feral: [Voice over] That afternoon, the Housemates discovered that it was time to nominate again.

[Cut to the lounge. The Housemates are all gathered on the couch.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. This week everyone is up for nomination. [A voice is heard whispering in Big Blogger’s ear. There is a lengthy pause, during which the Housemates start to get restless.]

Tyson: Can we leave the couch now?

Big Blogger: [Clearly distracted] No.

Steph: Ha! You’re so funny, Tyson. See why he has to stay in the house, readers?!

Big Blogger: [After a brief pause] Steph, for attempting to contact the outside world, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

[Housemates groan and Steph looks surprised.]

Steph: Sorry, guys.

Big Blogger: Big Blogger will be with you in a moment.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I hope everything is okay, buster.

[The other Housemates groan again. Audrey & The Bad Apples goes slightly pink as she realises what she’s done. She hopes Big Blogger was too distracted to notice.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Shh!

Big Blogger: [After a brief pause] Audrey & The Bad Apples, for calling Big Blogger ‘buster’, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Aww, man! That sucks.

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. TOBYtoby to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where we see quick flashes of everyone’s nominations.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, who do you nominate for two points, and why?

TOBYtoby: For two points I nominate Gav, Big Blogger.

Tyson: Javatari.

Javatari: Magical_M.

Steph: Magical_M.

Magical_M: MelbourneGirl.

Clokeeeey: Magical_M.

Gav: Clokeeeey.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Clokeeeey

MelbourneGirl: Magical_M.

LittleFaerieGirl: Magical_M.

Steph: When she was arguing with MelbourneGirl all week, it made me feel really uncomfortable. I think she likes to make everyone else feel really insuperior. I just think she’s trying to be strategical and I wonder if everything she says is totally ungenuine.

MelbourneGirl: If she’s gonna fight with me all the time about nothing, she’s gonna have to face being nominated!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I just think that he and MelbourneGirl have got it too easy in here, and I get along better with MelbourneGirl than I do with her. Also, I thought she handled herself really well against Magical_M all week, so I vote for Clokeeeey.

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, you know the rules for nomination. You must be honest, clear and precise.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I am!

Big Blogger: No you’re not. Who are you nominating?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: For the third time, Clokeeeey.

Big Blogger: Okay then. Who do you nominate for one point for aviction, and why?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Gav.

TOBYtoby: LittleFaerieGirl.

Clokeeeey: TOBYtoby.

Steph: Audrey & The Bad Apples.

LittleFaerieGirl: TOBYtoby, just for his attitude.

Javatari: TOBYtoby.

[Cut to the lounge. All Housemates are assembled on the couch, awaiting Big Blogger’s first nominations announcement.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. This week's nominated Housemates are: Magical_M … and … Clokeeeey … and … TOBYtoby.

[The Housemates react with shock at this news.]

Magical_M: That’s no surprise.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, as winner of Friday Night Live, you will now exercise the most important part of your prize. Who do you wish to deduct three points from, and why.

TOBYtoby: That’s very poor English, Big Blogger.

[Pause]

Big Blogger: Yes, I’m working on that with the writers. Just answer the question.

TOBYtoby: Uh, can I take the points off myself? I know I’m up anyway, but I’d like to see if I can bring anyone else up with me. [Smiles wickedly. And not the good kind of ‘wicked’.]

Big Blogger. [Pause] You can. Go back to the lounge and say nothing of this to your Housemates.

Feral: [Voice over] And after the three point twist, TOBYtoby wasn’t able to save himself, but he did manage to bring someone else up with him to be nominated as well and spread the target field a bit.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The Housemates up for aviction this week are … Magical_M … and … Clokeeeey … and … TOBYtoby … and … Gav. That is all.

Gav: Whoa, man. That’s rough.

TOBYtoby: Sorry, dude. I did my best.

[Audience ‘oooooh’s as if they’re in on a conspiracy.]

MelbourneGirl: You okay, honey?

Clokeeeey: Yeah, I’m fine. [Puts on a brave smile.]

Feral: [Voice over] Yes, the House had survived its second round of nominations. But who was going to be the third evicted Housemate?

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is cheering like mad.]

Feral: That’s the question we’re going to answer tonight! So let’s cross to the House right now and see who’ll be joining me up here on stage.

[Audience cheers again. Cut to live footage of the Housemates all lined up on the couch, the four in the middle looking especially nervous.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Hey! Hi, Feral!

Feral: How are you all feeling?

Housemates: Good / okay / alright, thanks / etc.

Feral: Now where are our nominated Housemates. [Camera cuts to show Magical_M, TOBYtoby, Gav and Clokeeeey sitting together, waving.] Ah, there you are. Let’s start with Magical_M. [Audience cheers for Magical_M.]

Magical_M: Hi! [Waves]

Feral: Now how are you feeling this week?

Magical_M: Okay.

Feral: You had quite a heated week, didn’t you!

Magical_M: Yeah, it got a little testy for a while there. But I think we sorted it all out.

Feral: Really? That’s not what I’m hearing!

Magical_M: Oh! Why? What are you hearing, Feral?

Feral: Mmm, I’m not at liberty to disclose any information! [Camera cuts to MelbourneGirl looking mock-innocent. Audience chuckles.] You might just have to wait and see.

Magical_M: Fair enough, I can do that.

Feral: Now, TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Hi Feral. [Audience cheers for TOBYtoby.]

Feral: Congratulations on winning Friday Night Live.

TOBYtoby: Thank you, Feral!

Feral: So you win the games and this is how your fellow Housemates repay you?

TOBYtoby: Oh, well I can’t blame them. You’ve got to nominate two people for something, so …

Feral: Yes, but it’s not nice to be nominated two weeks in a row, I bet.

TOBYtoby: Nah, I guess not. [Laughs]

Feral: Now you really changed your tune with regards to Audrey & The Bad Apples during the week! [Audience and Housemates laugh.]

TOBYtoby: Ah, yeah. We kind of got to a point where we couldn’t hold back anymore! [Laughs] A passionate embrace started the ball rolling.

Feral: Yes, well you know what they say … passion and hate are both strong emotions. Not that I’m saying you hated each other.

TOBYtoby: No, not at all. But it was all a bunch of heated emotions, I know.

Feral: And is Audrey there?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Here I am, Feral! [Audience cheers for Audrey & The Bad Apples.]

Feral: What happened to your suitcase during the week? [TOBYtoby’s smile fades instantly from his face.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I don’t know!

LittleFaerieGirl: And my clothes!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: That’s right, LittleFaerieGirl had some clothes stolen, too, but it wasn’t any of us and Big Blogger said it wasn’t him, so …

Feral: A bit of a mystery there, then.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah!

Feral: Okay then, let’s talk to Gav now.

Gav: Hi Feral. [Audience cheers for Gav.]

Feral: I don’t think I’ve spoken with you yet since you went into the House. Are you enjoying your time in there?

Gav: Oh yeah, hehe.

Feral: I noticed you had a little trouble breathing the other night.

Gav: [Confused] Ah, a little trouble breathing?

Feral: [Prompting him] You had to dash outside to catch your breath?

Gav: [Blushing as it dawns on him] Oh, right. Yeah, I was, um, just a little … out of breath.

[The other Housemates are looking at each other like they don’t understand.]

Feral: [Smirking] I noticed that too.

[Audience laughs, but Feral keeps Gav’s secret from the other Housemates.]

Feral: Alright, and finally a big hello to Clokeeeey. [Audience cheers for Clokeeeey.]

Clokeeeey: Hey Feral, how you doing?

Feral: Very well, thank you. How are you?

Clokeeeey: I’m great! I’m feeling pumped.

Feral: Do you think you’ll be heading home tonight?

Clokeeeey: I dunno, but if I do, that’s okay. It’s not like it’s the first week, so I got past the most embarrassing stage.

Feral: [Laughs] Now, you’re not going to break anything else in the House tonight, are you?

Clokeeeey: [Smiling] No, I promise to be good.

Feral: Okay then, good luck to you, and good luck to everyone.

Housemates: Thanks / thanks Feral / cheers / etc.

Feral: I’m being handed the envelope now, so we’re just about to see who’ll be up here on stage with me in a matter of moments. [Audience lifts the roof off with their increased cheering.] Are you ready?

Housemates: [Excitedly] Yeah!

Feral: It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Clokeeeey!

[Audience goes into conniptions. Housemates react in surprise and shock. Looks a bit stunned. He hugs MelbourneGirl, who begins to cry.]

MelbourneGirl: [Muffled; into Clokeeeey’s shoulder] I don’t want you to <BEEP>ing go!

Clokeeeey: Hey, it’s all good, honey. I’ll see you in a few weeks, okay?

MelbourneGirl: I wanna go too!

Clokeeeey: No, you need to stay here and win the prize money for us, okay?

[The other Housemates are crowding around, trying to console Clokeeeey and MelbourneGirl.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Clokeeeey, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Javatari: Would you like me to slow time down so you can say your farewells over an extended period?

Clokeeeey: Hehe, no thanks, Javatari. But cheers.

TOBYtoby: See ya, mate. Have fun out there tonight, eh?

Clokeeeey: Oh, I will.

Gav: Sorry to see you go, Clokes.

Tyson: Catch ya on the other side, hey?

Clokeeeey: Absolutely.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Clokeeeey, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

Clokeeeey: Yeah, o-kay! [To everyone else] Make sure you have a great time, alright? [Points to MelbourneGirl] And treat her right! [He kisses MelbourneGirl goodbye and leaves through the open doorway.]

Steph: Bye, Clokeeeey!

Javatari: Farewell.

Clokeeeey: [As the door slides closed] Byeeee!

Housemates: Bye! See ya soon!

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Okay, so Clokeeeey’s on his way to join me on stage, but before we catch up with him, let’s have a look at how the House is coping with his eviction.

[Cut back to the House. The Housemates are still standing near the door, in shock. Steph and LittleFaerieGirl are hugging MelbourneGirl and patting her head.]

LittleFaerieGirl: It’s alright, he’s gonna be having a great time.

Steph: That’s right. You’ll see him soon enough, anyway. I mean, not too soon, but … you know …

MelbourneGirl: [Breaks away from the hug and reveals her red and blotchy eyes]
Is there going to be another eviction now? [The other Housemates look at each other uncertain] ‘Cos if there is, I want it to be me.

Steph: I don’t know if it is.

Tyson: It might be, though – I hadn’t thought of that. Imagine if it was a double eviction each week!

Javatari: That would be truly insane. Insanity of the highest order. Something akin to Cyril’s “magic coins” trick.

Tyson: Who?

Javatari: Never you mind.

TOBYtoby: I’m just glad I’m still here.

LittleFaerieGirl: [Sternly] TOBYtoby! [Indicates MelbourneGirl]

TOBYtoby: Oh, sorry, No offense, MelbourneGirl.

MelbourneGirl: [Sniffling, and walking over to the kitchen] No, don’t worry. I understand. I think I need a drink, too!

[The Housemates move into the kitchen and break open some champagne.]

MelbourneGirl: [Taking the first glass from TOBYtoby and raising it in a toast] To Clokeeeey.

[Although the other Housemates don’t have a glass yet, the join in MelbourneGirl’s toast of her fiancé.]

Housemates: To Clokeeeey!

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Please welcome our third Big Blogger Evictee to the stage: Clokeeeey!

[Audience goes troppo. Clokeeeey walks down the gang plank and greets Feral on stage.]

Clokeeeey: Wow, hey everybody! Hi Feral.

[Audience screams for Clokeeeey. He points to a large group of the assembled throng who are dressed in Collingwood colours and laughs.]

Clokeeeey: Haha! Go Maggies! [Clokeeeey and Feral sit down, and the audience goes quiet.]

Feral: So was that what you were expecting?

Clokeeeey: Oh, man. No way. You never know what to expect in that House, Feral.

Feral: Well, you’ve been a fantastic Housemate, and you’re off on the Big Blogger interview circuit tomorrow morning.

Clokeeeey: Exciting!

Feral: And you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils later tonight.

Clokeeeey: That’s cool; I can’t wait!

Feral: He shows the evicted Housemates who nominated you, but the first thing I have to do is have a look at your graph. [Clokeeeey’s save and evict graph appears on screen.] Oh boy, it just doesn’t get any easier to read these things. Um, alright, so readers can ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’.

Clokeeeey: Oooh, interesting!

Feral: And apparently that shows you how you had the most votes. I don’t really get it. [Laughs]

Clokeeeey: Doesn’t matter, I trust you.

Feral: Glad to hear it! So did you have a fun time in the House?

Clokeeeey: Oh, yeah. It was really great. A couple of weeks to kick a footy around and sit in a spa all night – great fun!

Feral: Until you broke the glass, that is.

Clokeeeey: Yeah, that was yesterday, I think. I didn’t get the ball back, either.

Feral: Well, we have something better than a football to give you now. [To the floor manager] Bring him in!

[Joffa enters and waves at the crowd. Clokeeeey is delighted to meet him, and stands up to shake his hand. Ignoring his hand, Joffa grabs Clokeeeey by the side of the face and French-kisses him. The audience goes into fits of laughter. Joffa waves at them again, and exits the stage. The audience continues to laugh and cheer for another full minute, until Feral eventually gets them to calm down. Clokeeeey, still smiling, is wiping his mouth on his sleeve.]

Feral: Well! What do you think about that?!

Clokeeeey: Certainly a once-off experience! [Audience laughs.] Just don’t tell MelbourneGirl! [Audience laughs again.]

Feral: Why? Who will she be most jealous of? [Audience laughs one more time, but makes it clear by its body language that it’s laughed enough now, thank you very much.] Alright, time to give you your prizes. Here they are; a bottle of shampoo and a bag of frozen peas!

[Audience cheers.]

Clokeeeey: [Less than impressed] Um. Wow. I’m truly speechless.

Feral: That’s fantastic! Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Three, everyone, Clokeeeey!

[Audience applauds in a frenzy as Clokeeeey waves and leaves the stage.]

Feral: Okay, that’s all we have time for tonight. You’ve seen the Insider being appointed, you’ve seen the secret relationship revealed. You’ve seen one of our male Housemates ‘going in’ and announcing that he’s straight. But remember: Big Blogger has plenty of surprises in store, and this weekend you’ll be treated to our first really big surprise. That’s right! Unbeknownst to the House, the nine remaining Housemates will have some company over the weekend. So don’t miss the special weekend update! It promises to be very interesting! I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where now three Evictees are out of the House, but someone’s on their way in! Good night!

[Audience jumps in the air with excitement, does a 180 degree back-flip, and lands, applauding.]

Mike: [Voice over] Tune in over the weekend to see who-or-what will be going into the Big Blogger House … and then don’t miss next week’s fourth Evictee! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.



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