Big Blogger - Week 3

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience is out the back having a smoke, but the sound effects guy plays a tape of another audience cheering.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger - Week 3. It’s hard to believe we’re so far into the show already! Already we’ve had three Housemates evicted and three Intruders sent in. This of course means that the number of people inside the House is back up to twelve! Seeing as it looks like we’re back where we started, you’ve really got to wonder how we’re ever going to work our way through the Housemates to find a winner in just ten weeks. But with Big Blogger, you never know what’s around the corner!

[She turns to talk to another camera, leaning her head to the side slightly so she comes across as more caring and less psychotic.]

Feral: Towards the end of tonight’s show we’re going to be evicting our fourth Big Blogger Housemate, and that person will be joining me here on stage. We’re also going to catch up with last week’s evictee Clokeeeey. But before we get into all that, let’s catch up on the last seven days in the House.

[Cut to video footage of the House immediately after Clokeeeey was evicted last Wednesday night. The Housemates are still standing near the door, in shock. Steph and LittleFaerieGirl are hugging MelbourneGirl and patting her head.]

LittleFaerieGirl: It’s alright, he’s gonna be having a great time.

Steph: That’s right. You’ll see him soon enough, anyway. I mean, not too soon, but … you know …

MelbourneGirl: [Breaks away from the hug and reveals her red and blotchy eyes]
Is there going to be another eviction now? [The other Housemates look at each other uncertain] ‘Cos if there is, I want it to be me.

Steph: I don’t know if it is.

Tyson: It might be, though – I hadn’t thought of that. Imagine if it was a double eviction each week!

Javatari: That would be truly insane. Insanity of the highest order. Something akin to Cyril’s “magic coins” trick.

Tyson: Who?

Javatari: Never you mind.

TOBYtoby: I’m just glad I’m still here.

LittleFaerieGirl: [Sternly] TOBYtoby! [Indicates MelbourneGirl]

TOBYtoby: Oh, sorry, No offense, MelbourneGirl.

MelbourneGirl: [Sniffling, and walking over to the kitchen] No, don’t worry. I understand. I think I need a drink, too!

[The Housemates move into the kitchen and break open some champagne.]

MelbourneGirl: [Taking the first glass from TOBYtoby and raising it in a toast] To Clokeeeey.

[Although the other Housemates don’t have a glass yet, the join in MelbourneGirl’s toast of her fiancé.]

Housemates: To Clokeeeey!

[MelbourneGirl skulls the entire glass and holds it out to TOBYtoby for an immediate refill. This gets a laugh from the Housemates, and MelbourneGirl smiles through her sadness.]

LittleFaerieGirl: [Playfully] You’re a bad girl, MelbourneGirl!

[They all giggle. Audrey & The Bad Apples hugs MelbourneGirl from behind while TOBYtoby obediently refills MelbourneGirl’s glass with champagne.]

Feral: [Voice over] Later that night, the Housemates enjoyed their now-customary spa in honour of their fallen comrade.

[Cut to the Housemates in the spa late at night, almost-hidden by all the steam. They are all still drinking, and most are quite drunk.]

Magical_M: No, I’m sorry, MG!

MelbourneGirl: Nah, I am!

Magical_M: Nah, I had a problem with you and Clokeeeey both being in here together and having twice the chance at winning. I forgot to consider that you two really love each other and that I was hurting you by trying to get one of you out.

MelbourneGirl: Yeah, I understand. It’s a game. I’m not playing a game, but it’s a game. There are mind games going on, but I refuse to play any games. You know what I mean?

Magical_M: [Pause] Nah, not really.

MelbourneGirl: I don’t want to play any games wi--

Magical_M: [Interrupting] Yeah, but that’s what I’m saying! That’s just what I did! You said you wouldn’t be able to continue in the House if Clokeeeey was voted out, so that’s why I nominated him! I was hoping that he’d be evicted and then you’d leave as well, which seemed like the best chance of knocking down two of my competitors, y’know?

MelbourneGirl: Yeah.

Magical_M: And that’s why I’m really sorry. ‘Cos now that I feel I know you better, I think you’re a really ace person, so I’m sorry for being such a <BEEP>.

MelbourneGirl: Ha! Ah, don’t worry about it, I wasn’t being very nice to you all week, either. Why don’t we make a promise to each other to be best friends from now on?

Magical_M: [Her eyes light up] Yeah! I’d like that a lot!

MelbourneGirl: Good. It’ll be ou--

Big Blogger: [Interrupting] This is Big Blogger. Magical_M, for discussing nominations, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

Magical_M: Ah, crap. Sorry, everyone!

MelbourneGirl: Don’t worry about it.

Tyson: What are you doing discussing nominations!?

MelbourneGirl: It was an accident, she didn’t mean it.

Gav: How many fines have we had now?

TOBYtoby: It’s a couple a hundred thousand by now, surely.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Already? You reckon?

TOBYtoby: Yeah – there was all the fines you racked up …

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, alright …

TOBYtoby: … and then everyone else’s fines from the past two weeks. I reckon it’s easily $200,000 by now.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Man, that’s so much money.

TOBYtoby: Hopefully the starting prize pool was more than that! I wish we could find out what the total prize money was.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Mm. I’m gonna get out now. I’m hungry.

TOBYtoby: Okay.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Raising her voice to address the whole group] One last time, everyone: Does anyone know where my clothes are? I really don’t want to keep borrowing someone else’s clothes to sleep in after a spa!

[TOBYtoby looks sheepishly at other Housemates, who are all looking around for someone to fess up.]

Javatari: I would offer my services of locating the clothes through magical means, but I suspect I would be fined by Big Blogger again.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, I know. Thanks. [She appears to find his ‘special’ brand of help a bit odd, anyway.]

TOBYtoby: Maybe you should look under all the beds or something.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I already have. It’s more than that, though. It’s my whole <BEEP>in’ suitcase! [She wraps herself in a towel and heads inside. TOBYtoby stays in the spa but keeps to himself.]

LittleFaerieGirl: I’m bored.

Steph: Why’s that, babe?

LittleFaerieGirl: I want someone to kiss

Gav: Oh boy, not this again.

LittleFaerieGirl: What’s wrong with that? I’m allowed to want to kiss someone!

Steph: Of course you are.

Gav: I’m not saying you’re not; I’m just wondering if we’re going to have a giant game of ‘catch and kiss’ like last time! [He smiles, but LittleFaerieGirl doesn’t smile back.]

LittleFaerieGirl: [To herself] I’m just sayin’.

Steph: [To Tyson] Hey, maybe you can kiss her.

Tyson: [Surprised, but trying to hide a smile] What? Really?

Steph: You could show her how good you kiss.

Tyson: Yeah!

LittleFaerieGirl: Um, no thanks.

Tyson: Nah, go one – you’ll like it.

[He misses Steph’s frown.]

LittleFaerieGirl: I’m not interested, sorry. [She’s smiling as he playfully approaches her in the spa, pretending that he’s going to kiss her.] Ahh!

Tyson: [Mock creepy voice] C’mon, little lady! You know you want it! Gimme a big wet one!

[LittleFaerieGirl is laughing as Tyson puckers up and makes exaggerated kissing noises. Some of the other Housemates are now watching and laughing. Steph is now staring at Tyson in anger. Tyson laughs and sits back in place, noticing Steph’s face for the first time. His face falls.]

Tyson: What?

Steph: [Glaring at him] I was joking!

Tyson: I wasn’t going to kiss her!

Steph: Yes you would have, if she wanted you to. I saw your face when I said it.

Tyson: [Beat] But you told me to kiss her!

Steph: I didn’t mean it, Tyson! You don’t have to be such a <BEEP>!

Tyson: Hey! Why’d you say it, then? Were you testing me or something?

Steph: If I was, you can consider yourself failed!

Tyson: Well, that’s just great. How manipulative do you want to be?

Steph: I wasn’t being manipulative, I was joking.

Tyson: So was I!

Steph: Only at the end. When I said it, you were excited and wanted to kiss her!

LittleFaerieGirl: Guys, let’s not fight about it, it was just a silly moment. Let’s forget about it, okay?

Tyson: [Challengingly, to Steph] Yeah!

Steph: Oh, I’ll forget about it, alright. [She storms into the House, yelling over her shoulder.] And you can forget about it too!

Tyson: Crazy <BEEP>.

Gav: Hey! Dude. Don’t call her that.

Tyson: Shut up, Gav. Nobody asked you.

Gav: You should have been happy with what you had.

Tyson: Shut up, loser! At least I’ve been with a girl! What’s wrong with you? You haven’t even—

[He is silenced when Gav leaps from one end of the spa to Tyson at the other, showering him in a series of rapid punches to the face and chest. Other Housemates quickly grab them and try to separate them, but the tussle lasts for a few minutes. Eventually Gav emerges relatively unscathed, while Tyson is bloodied and bruised and looking sorry for himself.]

Feral: [Voice over] Big Blogger called Tyson and Gav to the Diary Room to discuss this violent outburst.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where Tyson and Gav are sitting together on the chair, both looking contrite and Tyson wearing band aids on his lip and forehead.]

Big Blogger: Gav. Tyson.

Gav: Big Blogger.

Tyson: Wig Wogger.

Big Blogger: Housemates were told before they went into the House that there were strict rules concerning displays of violence towards other Housemates. Tonight, you broke those rules. Tyson, how are you feeling?

Tyson: Ah’m a-wight, but mah wip is sore.

Big Blogger: Gav, why did you attack Tyson in the spa earlier?

Gav: Um, I just sorta snapped about what was being said at the time.

Tyson: Wig Wogger, we’ve tahked abow it an’ we sorwed it out. I said some fings that I shoulden hab said, and Gav weacted stwongly to that. We’re okay now.

Big Blogger: Gav, is this correct?

Gav: Yeah. He apologised for saying what he said and I apologised for losing my temper like that.

[Pause]

Big Blogger: Tyson, are you happy for Gav to remain in the House?

Tyson: Yef.

[Pause]

Big Blogger: Gav, for breaking Big Blogger’s rules, that’s a five thousand dollar fine. That is all.

Gav: Thanks, Big Blogger.

Tyson: Fanks, Wig Wogger.

[Cut to the boys exiting the Diary Room. The other Housemates are standing around, waiting to see what happens.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: What’d he say?

Gav: I got fine five thousand dollars, but it’s okay. Tyson and I worked it out.

Steph: Are you okay?

Gav: Me? Yeah, I’m okay.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Tyson, gimme a look at your face. [Tyson shows her his bruised eye.] Oooh, you should get something cold on that. Come on. [She leads him away into the kitchen. Some of the Housemates follow them.]

Steph: Did he hurt you?

Gav: Nah, he barely laid a hand on me. I think I caught him by surprise.

Steph: Ha. That’s good. Um … LittleFaerieGirl told me what the fight was about while you were in the Diary Room. [Pause] Thanks.

[She leans over and kisses him on the cheek. He goes bright red.]

[Audience goes ‘Wooooooooooooo!’]

[Cut to Audrey & The Bad Apples applying a wet cloth to Tyson’s forehead. The pair stare deep into each other’s eyes as they stand alone in the kitchen.]

[Cut back to Feral in the studio.]

Feral: [Laughing] Well it certainly doesn’t take long for things to about-face in that House, does it! But now it’s time to welcome our evictee from last week to the stage. Please give him a big hand; Clokeeeey!

[Audience cheers and chants and hoots for Clokeeeey. He enters the stage and waves to the audience.]

Clokeeeey: Hi Feral, you look great tonight.

Feral: Thank you, Clokeeeey. You’re very kind to say so.

Clokeeeey: Nah, they told me backstage that I should comment on how you looked.

[Feral narrows her eyes and Clokeeeey gulps like a man who has accidentally revealed a big secret and will no doubt pay dearly for it later.]

Clokeeeey: Um, just kidding?

Feral: [Forced] Aha. Ha. Ha. Ha. [Snaps out of it.] So tell me about your week.

Clokeeeey: Oh, man. It’s been crazy! I can’t believe there are that many radio stations out there!

Feral: How many radio interviews did you do?

Clokeeeey: Two. It was nuts!

Feral: How has the public been?

Clokeeeey: Just great. Everyone’s been lovely. And I got to meet Eddie!

Feral: Eddie?

Clokeeeey: Eddie Maguire!

Feral: Oh, Eddie …

Clokeeeey: He’s quite an attractive man. And a heaps better kisser than Joffa.

[Audience laughs at Clokeeeey’s joke. Clokeeeey looks at them confused, trying to work out why they laughed.]

Feral: So what did Eddie say?

Clokeeeey: He said he thought I represented Collingwood fans really well, and the fact that I have all my own teeth and can pronounce most words correctly was doing the club’s public profile no end of good.

Feral: Ah, that’s excellent. Good on you!

Clokeeeey: Thanks, Feral.

Feral: So have you caught up with what MelbourneGirl’s been up to inside the House this week?

Clokeeeey: Yeah, I caught a bit of it. I’m glad she and Magical_M are over their fight. It was doing my head in!

Feral: I think we’re about to see more of that now.

Clokeeeey: Okay.

Feral: But thank you for coming in, and all the best for the future.

Clokeeeey: Cheers, Feral.

Feral: Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Clokeeeey!

[Audience ‘Googles’ itself in excitement, finding three references to an audience in Spain that it quickly disregards.]

Feral: And now it’s time to go back to the House and watch the week unfold … starting with Thursday morning.

[Cut to footage of the Housemates just waking up.]

Feral: [Voice over] It’s 10:34am, and after last night’s eviction and fight in the spa, the Housemates are only now just beginning to stir.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [To Tyson] How’s your head?

Tyson: Better, thanks.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Your lip looks better, too. The swelling’s gone down.

Tyson: That’s good. Ah, I can talk properly again!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I think the bruising will disappear in a few days.

Tyson: Hey, thanks for looking after me last night.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: That’s okay.

Tyson: No, I mean it. Everyone else wanted nothing to do with me – which is fair enough, but felt very alone.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Can I ask you something?

Tyson: Sure.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Why didn’t Big Blogger kick Gav out of the House for being violent? I thought those were the rules.

Tyson: Oh, we’d kind of dealt with the issue ourselves and I felt pretty bad for the stuff I’d said. So when Big Blogger asked me I said it was all cool now.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, but why’d you let him stay?

Tyson: Basically I thought that everyone here would hate me if I had him kicked out. Everyone in the public, too. I said some stuff and he beat me up and now we’re, like, best buddies again.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Pfft! Really?

Tyson: Well, you know … best buddies who don’t talk to each other.

[They laugh.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: C’mon, I’ll make you some breakfast.

Tyson: Nah, I owe you breakfast. You stay there and I’ll get you something to eat.

[Cut to TOBYtoby watching them from across the room. Audrey & The Bad Apples notices him looking after Tyson has left the room.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Morning.

TOBYtoby: Hey.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Another day of wearing someone else’s clothes, for me.

TOBYtoby: [Distracted] Ha. Yeah, I guess so. [Pause] Maybe we should just get everyone to have a good look together today.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Nah, I’ve totally looked everywhere. You can’t hide a whole suitcase. It isn’t here. [Pause] You sure you don’t know anything about it?

TOBYtoby: [Panicky] Yes! I already told you! I don’t know anything about where your suitcase might be! [Storms out of the room.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Calling after him] Alright! Gee! You’re the only one acting all weird, though.

[Cut to Javatari and LittleFaerieGirl eating breakfast in the yard.]

LittleFaerieGirl: I miss kissing.

Javatari: That is what I heard.

LittleFaerieGirl: Well, it’s true. I haven’t gone this long without kissing someone for years!

Javatari: You kissed a couple of people last week.

LittleFaerieGirl: Yes! Last week! That’s ages ago!

[Pause.]

Javatari: I am willing to be kissed, if it would make you feel better.

LittleFaerieGirl: Thanks, Javatari, but that’d kind of be like kissing my brother.

[Pause.]

Javatari: Is that a no?

[LittleFaerieGirl nearly chokes on her coffee]

LittleFaerieGirl: Ah, yeah. That’s a no.

Javatari: Just making sure. I’m not to know what your family life is like.

[LittleFaerieGirl stares at him wide-eyed while he continues to eat his cereal.]

[Cut to MelbourneGirl and Magical_M serving up scrambled eggs, laughing.]

MelbourneGirl: Come and get ‘em! Scrambled eggs for everyone!

Magical_M: Leave some for us!

MelbourneGirl: Don’t you worry; these are the ones I overcooked.

[The other Housemates rush in to the kitchen.]

Gav: Ooh! Scrambled eggs! You girls rock!

Steph: Thanks, MelbourneGirl! Thanks, Magical_M!

MelbourneGirl: No problem! Dig in.

Magical_M: Enjoy!

TOBYtoby: Wow, these taste great!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [To Tyson] Better than the toast you served me!

Tyson: Hey! I made it for you, didn’t I!

[MelbourneGirl starts cooking more eggs. She and Magical_M share a whisper and a giggle.]

Feral: [Voice over] After breakfast, TOBYtoby was called to the Diary Room for his next Insider task.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where TOBYtoby is seated on the chair.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: Listen carefully. It’s time for your next Insider mission.

TOBYtoby: Yep.

Big Blogger: Big Blogger wants you to make sure each Housemate receives a fine today. You have twenty-four hours to ensure that you and every one of your fellow Housemates breaks one of Big Blogger’s rules and is fined. If you are successful, those fines – and those fines only – will be excluded from the winner’s total fine tally. Additionally, you will be exempt from nominations this week. Failure will result in all fines received in this task counting towards the winner’s total fine tally. Additionally, you will automatically be up for aviction this week. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: [Sucks in breath] Ooh, it’s a hard one! Yes, Big Blogger, I understand.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, be warned. There are certain rules that cannot be broken.

TOBYtoby: Okay.

Big Blogger: There must be no acts of violence towards any Housemate. There must be no acts of sexual harassment enacted on any Housemate. And there must be no racial, sexist, or otherwise offensive jokes told in the House. Is that clear?

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, you must get your fellow Housemates to speak without their microphones, call Big Blogger something other than ‘Big Blogger’, or cause willful damage to the Big Blogger House.

TOBYtoby: Right.

Big Blogger: The damage should only be minimal.

TOBYtoby: Yep.

Big Blogger: If you inform anyone of your mission, it will be deemed a failure.

TOBYtoby: Sure thing.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, do you accept this mission?

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger, I accept the mission.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, your time starts now. That is all.

[Cut to a montage of TOBYtoby trying to complete his mission, set to ‘Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing’ by Chris Isaak. We see a series of shots that have been rapidly-edited together of him trying to remove microphone cords from around other Housemates’ necks, trying to undo the knots at the back of the cords, pushing some of the guys into the mirror surrounding the yard in an attempt to break the glass, and generally annoying everyone. The montage finished by focusing on some of the girls sun baking together in the backyard as TOBYtoby tries to goad Javatari into an angry discussion of Big Blogger over by the pool.]

LittleFaerieGirl: What’s up with TOBYtoby today?

Steph: I don’t know, but he’s driving me insane!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, he’s been acting all weird ever since my suitcase went missing.

Steph: Oooh! Do you think he took it?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I dunno, but he’s certainly turning out to be far more strange than I suspected.

LittleFaerieGirl: Any regrets?

[Pause.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I dunno …

[Cut to TOBYtoby and Javatari across the yard.]

TOBYtoby: C’mon! What do you really think of him?

Javatari: I think he is Big Blogger.

TOBYtoby: Yeah, but is he a good guy? Is he a loser? What is he, in your opinion?

Javatari: I find your line of questioning most unsettling.

TOBYtoby: I think you hate him.

Javatari: Hate him? What is there to hate? He’s a disembodied voice!

Big Blogger: Javatari, for calling Big Blogger a ‘disembodied voice’, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

Steph: [Calling out across the yard] Good one, Javatari!

Javatari: That is a low blow, Big Blogger. [To TOBYtoby] I hate him now.

TOBYtoby: [Smiling] Oh, man, that’s a tough one. So mean. Sorry about that. [He walks inside the House, leaving Javatari to sit on a chair in the sun, fully aware that the girls are scowling at him from the other side of the yard.]

Feral: [Voice over] So while the Insider continued on his mission, some of the other Housemates were discussing the most recent fine.

[Cut to Gav, MelbourneGirl and Magical_M in the bedroom.]

Magical_M: Why would Javatari do something as stupid as that?

Gav: I dunno.

MelbourneGirl: He <BEEP>in’ freaks me out.

Magical_M: Me too! I mean, he’s nice and all, but he’s a bit weird.

Gav: Give him a break. He’s just a bit different.

MelbourneGirl: Oh, I know. And that’s fine. Clokeeeey’s <BEEP>in’ odd, too - and I love him! I just think Javatari has problems interacting with people on a normal level.

Gav: Yeah …

MelbourneGirl: And if he’s still getting fines at this point in the game, you gotta wonder if he’s all there, ya know? [She taps her temple for emphasis.]

Javatari: [Entering] I can’t believe TOBYtoby. I’m actually beginning to wonder if he was intentionally trying to get me to get that fine.

Magical_M: Oh, wow. Really?

Javatari: Yes.

[He makes his way through to the bathroom. The others watch him in silence until the door closes behind him, then Magical_M turns back to the others and roll her eyes theatrically. The break into hushed laughter.]

Feral: [Voice over] By the next day, TOBYtoby had successfully forced six of his Housemates to break a minor Big Blogger rule and receive a fine. In addition to Javatari, he was able to steal microphones from Steph, MelbourneGirl, Magical_M, Tyson and Gav while they were showering, resulting in them speaking to each other and asking people where their microphones had been hidden. Naturally, Big Blogger was quick to fine each of them for talking before TOBYtoby ‘returned’ their microphones to them, claiming Big Blogger has asked him to organise a battery change for everyone while they were showering. As luck would have it, he was indirectly responsible for Audrey & The Bad Apples breaking the handle on one of the kitchen cupboards (he accidentally bumped her and she grabbed it as she fell to the floor. Audrey & The Bad Apples was unhurt, but when she reached for something to stop her falling, she pulled the handle out of the door, splintering the wood. TOBYtoby could not hide his delight at this accidental stroke of good luck (for him), and Audrey & The Bad Apples argued with him about the smile on his face as he helped her up.

[Cut to Audrey & The Bad Apples standing in the kitchen, very angry, rubbing her backside as TOBYtoby stands there grinning in front of her.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: It’s not <BEEP>ing funny! That really hurt! I could have injured myself quite badly!

TOBYtoby: [Trying to wipe the smile off his face] I know, it’s not funny. Are you okay? [He grins at her again.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oh shut up.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Audrey & The Bad Apples, for damaging the Big Blogger House, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: It was TOBYtoby’s fault, Big Blogger! He pushed me over on purpose!

TOBYtoby: [Smiling even more because she credited him with the damage] I did not!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I can’t trust you anymore, TOBYtoby. We’re through, okay? I’m not ‘with’ you anymore.

TOBYtoby: [Momentarily stunned] Uh … okay.

[Cut to TOBYtoby in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: And how do you feel about Audrey & The Bad Apples ending your relationship?

TOBYtoby: Oh, alright, actually. It was getting to be too much hard work, what with my Insider role and everything. We weren’t that into each other anyway. It was more of a fun, convenient thing. Good while it lasted, but I’m not upset about it being over. She’s a cool chick, and I hope we can remain friends, but I wouldn’t mind if she hooked up with someone else in the House.

Big Blogger: Do you think she’s going to hook up with someone else in the House?

TOBYtoby: Yeah … I got my suspicions, anyway.

Feral: [Voice over] So by the time the Housemates went to bed on Thursday, the Insider only had LittleFaerieGirl left to force into receiving a fine.

[Cut to a night-vision shot of the Housemates all going to bed. TOBYtoby tip-toes through the darkened room, searching for LittleFaerieGirl’s microphone. Unfortunately for him, she has worn it to bed. He spends a few minutes feeling around her bed’s headboard before she lifts her head in annoyance.]

LittleFaerieGirl: [Forced whisper] Who is that?

TOBYtoby: Oh, it’s just me.

LittleFaerieGirl: What are you doing?

TOBYtoby: Um, I dropped something.

LittleFaerieGirl: Well, look for it tomorrow – I’m trying to sleep!

TOBYtoby: Yup, okay. [He turns and walks back to his bed, tripping on some clothes and landing on Javatari’s sleeping form, who wakes with a start.]

Javatari: [Yelling in fright] Hey-Presto!

TOBYtoby: Sorry, mate.

[The Housemates are all awake now and yelling at the two guys to keep it down.]

Feral: [Voice over] The next day brought new hope to TOBYtoby’s Insider mission. He had several hours to get just one more fine out of the Housemates. Or so he thought …

[Cut to TOBYtoby in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: Your time is up.

TOBYtoby: Aw, man!

Big Blogger: You managed to get seven of your Housemates to earn a fine, but you fell short by two Housemates.

TOBYtoby: [Registering shock] Two?

Big Blogger: Yes. LittleFaerieGirl … and yourself.

TOBYtoby: Ohhh! Oh well, I wasn’t able to get her to break any rules anyway, so even if I knew I had to earn a fine, I still would have failed.

Big Blogger: This means that the fines earned in the past twenty-four hours will stand on the tally.

TOBYtoby: Yup.

Big Blogger: And you are automatically nominated this Wednesday night for aviction.

TOBYtoby: [Sighs] Okay.

Big Blogger: That is all.

Feral: [Voice over] Thankfully, that evening’s entertainment was enough to lift the Housemates’ spirits.

[Cut to the bedroom, where all the Housemates are dressed up as clowns and are wearing bike helmets.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, welcome to Friday Night Live. The theme for this Friday Night Live is … Clowning Around.

[While we hear Big Blogger continue, we are shown various clips of the Housemates competing in games and tasks involving giant clown-related props, unknown messy substances, and a trophy at the end for the winner.]

Big Blogger: Housemates will begin in teams, but there will be only one winner. The last remaining Housemate will win four prizes; the Friday Night Live trophy, the right to affect nominations, two nights in the Rewards Room with a Housemate of your choice, and the three boxes. Housemates, prepare to clown around. Gav, TOBYtoby, Steph … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare for the big top. Magical_M, Audrey & The Bad Apples, LittleFaerieGirl … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Tyson, MelbourneGirl, Javatari … you are about to compete in the final of tonight’s games. The winner will be the Housemate who can drive the miniature clown car around the obstacle course the fastest, without dropping any cream pies. Prepare to entertain. MelbourneGirl, you are the winner of Friday Night Live. Congratulations. Approach the winner’s podium and collect your trophy. Losing Housemates, celebrate your champion.

MelbourneGirl: Woo-hoo! I won it! Clokeeeey, this is for you! [Holds trophy – a miniature golden clown doll on a block of wood – above her head as the other Housemates surround and cheer for her.]

Big Blogger: MelbourneGirl, for attempting to communicate with the outside world, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.]

[Cut to footage of the Friday Night Live desk. The audience is booing.]

Mike: Ouch! That certainly put a dampener on the moment for her!

Whee Um-ah: I can’t believe Big Blogger! That was so unfair! I’m going to sulk!

Mike: Ditzy?

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: [Pause] Huh? Wot?

[Audience laughs]

Mike: Never mind. Let’s cut back to the House and see who MelbourneGirl will take with her to the Rewards Room!

[Cut to MelbourneGirl in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: MelbourneGirl, who do you choose to take to the Rewards Room, and why?

MelbourneGirl: Well, if Clokeeeey was still here, I’d definitely take him, but because he’s not, I’m going to go with Magical_M. She and I had a rough start, but this week I’ve really come to love her. She’s like a little sister or something.

[Cut to MelbourneGirl and Magical_M in the Rewards Room, facing the three boxes.]

Big Blogger: MelbourneGirl, which box do you choose?

MelbourneGirl: Ah, I think I’ll go with … I’ll choose box number two, please.

Big Blogger: You may open box number two now.

[She does so.]

MelbourneGirl: A packet of okra. <BEEP>in’ great! I hate okra, Big Blogger! I bet he knows that, too.

Magical_M: What’s okra?

MelbourneGirl: Okra, also called lady's finger in Indian cuisine, is a flowering plant in the mallow family Malvaceae, originating somewhere near present-day Ethiopia. It was formerly considered a species of Hibiscus, but is now classified in the genus Abelmoschus. The word okra is of African origin and means "lady's fingers" in Igbo, a language spoken in what is now known as Nigeria. It is an annual or perennial herbaceous plant, growing to 2 m tall. The leaves are 10-20 cm long and broad, palmately lobed with 5-7 lobes. The flowers are 4-8 cm diameter, with five white to yellow petals, often with a red or purple spot at the base of each petal. The fruit is a capsule, 5-20 cm long, containing numerous seeds.

Magical_M: Whoa. Too much information!

MelbourneGirl: Sorry. I had to look it up on Wikipedia, you see.

Big Blogger: MelbourneGirl, the packet of okra is yours to keep.

MelbourneGirl: [Flatly] Great.

Big Blogger: You may check the other boxes now.

MelbourneGirl: [Opening box one and reading off a card] “A mint condition, first run version of ‘Mousetrap’”. Oh, no! I would have loved that! I really wanted that game as a kid. It’d be worth a lot of money now, in mint condition … [She opens box three] A trip to Darwin.

Magical_M: Bugger! Didn’t you say you always wanted to go to Darwin?

MelbourneGirl: [Unimpressed] Yep.

Feral: [Voice over] But over the weekend, the Housemates were in for three massive surprises, in the form of Intruders …

[Cut to the dining room, where the Housemates are seated around the table. Gav is finishing a joke, and the Housemates are all red-faced and smiling from laughing so hard.]

Gav: “But nobody can eat that much ice cream!”

[The Housemates break up into raucous laughter. TOBYtoby thumps his fist on the table, causing the cutlery and crockery to jump, in turn scaring LittleFaerieGirl sitting opposite him. She yelps quickly, then immediately rejoins the laughter. Tyson is lying on the floor holding his stomach in apparent pain from laughing so much. Gav is delighted at the response to his joke.]

Javatari: I do not get that joke, either.

[Suddenly, claxons sound and the Housemates all jump to their feet in fear. They look wide-eyed to each other in panic for a moment.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Almost hushed, to herself] Intruders!

[There is a split-second of realisation and then all Housemates run to the lounge, cheering excitedly. As they approach the television in the lounge, they see the following image flashing across the screen: INTRUDER ALERT! The Housemates cheer in excitement. The Diary Room door opens and Tammiodo bounds in at top speed. The girls squeal and surround her in a giant hug.]

Magical_M: Woo! Who are you? What’s your name?!

Tammiodo: I’m Tammiodo!

LittleFaerieGirl: Tammigodo?

Tammiodo: Tammiodo.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: How old are you? Where are you from?

Steph: Are there any other Intruders coming in?

MelbourneGirl: I wish those <BEEP>in’ sirens would shut up!

[Before Tammiodo can say anything else, RichardWatts walks through the Diary Room door and greets the group.]

RichardWatts: Hey everyone.

[The noisy room erupts into even more noise as the girls’ group hug immediately disbands from around Tammiodo and rushes up to RichardWatts. The guys, who had all been standing back watching the group hug, make a point of approaching RichardWatts and shaking his hand in greeting.]

TOBYtoby: G’day, mate. I’m TOBYtoby.

RichardWatts: RichardWatts, good to meet ya.

Tyson: Hi, I’m Tyson.

RichardWatts: Tyson, hi. I’m RichardWatts.

Gav: I’m Gav. Hi.

RichardWatts: Hi Gav.

[Cut to the girls’ conversation.]

Steph: [To Tammiodo, excitedly] So did you bring any alcohol?

Tammiodo: Uh, no, but they said there’d be some coming in later.

[Steph squeals in excitement and the other Housemates cheer.]

MelbourneGirl: That’s good. I need a drink.

[Behind them, Dxxxx makes her way sheepishly out of the Diary Room. The door closes behind her.]

LittleFaerieGirl: [Spying Dxxxx first] Oooh! A third Intruder! [She runs up to her.] I’m LittleFaerieGirl!

Dxxxx: Hi, I’m Dxxxx. [The girls hug and then stand arm in arm as they walk down the two steps to the rest of the group in the lounge. Further introductions are made, and the claxons stop ringing. Dxxxx and LittleFaerieGirl remain linked arm-in-arm.]

Magical_M: This is so cool! Isn’t it funny how excited you can get to see someone new after only two and a half weeks!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. [Despite their heightened excitement, the Housemates obediently fall silent.] Housemates, please make your three Intruders feel welcome.

[The Housemates all cheer.]

Big Blogger: Intruders, welcome to the Big Blogger House. There are party provisions in the Storeroom.

[Cut to later, when the Housemates and Intruders are enjoying their party. Dxxxx and LittleFaerieGirl have not left each other’s side, and LittleFaerieGirl is positively beaming. They are sitting in the dining room with Steph. RichardWatts is talking to the guys in a group outside, but appears uncomfortable and keeps looking over to the girls. Tammiodo is in the lounge with Audrey & The Bad Apples, Magical_M and MelbourneGirl. There is much drinking and carrying on. We see short snippets of laughter and dancing, story telling and general party mayhem. At the end of the night, Javatari is giving everyone an impromptu magic show in the lounge.]

Javatari: Okay. RichardWatts, as you’re one of new guests, I want you to take a card from this deck.

[Amongst much drunken laughter and mild heckling, RichardWatts stands and removes a card from the pack. He looks at it and shows no one.]

RichardWatts: Okay.

Javatari: Now just think of the card really carefully. Concentrate on the card … concentrate … concentrate …

[RichardWatts is smiling to the others as they laugh at Javatari.]

Javatari: You’re not concentrating …

[The Housemates all break into hearty laughter at this, which offends Javatari, so he snatches the card back, glances at it and begins to pack up.]

Javatari: You had the wrong card anyway. I’m going to bed if you can’t be respectful!

[The Housemates laugh even harder at that, so he storms out and gets changed for bed. Through the marvels of a time-lapse camera effect, we see the other Housemates eventually going to bed as well before the lights are finally turned off.]

Feral: [Voice over] Despite the late night party on Sunday night, Monday morning brought with it a bright new day. And some Housemates were even up before the sun.

[Cut to the yard, where Magical_M is on the deck doing yoga in the very early morning darkness. Dxxxx emerges from the bedroom, blinking furiously and searching with her arms outstretched.]

Magical_M: Morning, Dxxxx. Did you sleep well?

Dxxxx: Oh, good morning. I didn’t see you there.

Magical_M: What are you looking for?

Dxxxx: Um, … [she thinks about it for a moment, clearly still very asleep] … the fridge! [She laughs and turns back to the kitchen.] Here it is. Right where I left it!

[They smile at each other.]

Magical_M: So you and LittleFaerieGirl seemed to get along well last night!

Dxxxx: Heh, yeah. She’s fantastic.

Magical_M: Whoa, too much information, I think!

[They laugh again.]

Feral: [Voice over] But it was no laughing matter that evening, because it was time to nominate once again.

[Cut to the lounge. The Housemates and Intruders are all gathered on the couch.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. This week, all Housemates will nominate and can be nominated, but the Intruders will not nominate, nor can they be nominated.

[Pause while this sinks in.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. MelbourneGirl to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where we see quick flashes of most people’s nominations.]

Big Blogger: MelbourneGirl, who do you nominate for two points for aviction, and why?

MelbourneGirl: Javatari, Big Blogger.

Tyson: Javatari.

Javatari: Magical_M.

Steph: Magical_M.

Magical_M: Gav.

Gav: TOBYtoby.

MelbourneGirl: His weird behaviour is just not something I want to live with in the House. Also, he got fined the other day for calling you something other than Big Blogger, and although almost everyone got a fine that day for something, for most of us it was understandable because our microphones were taken away. But with Javatari, there really was no excuse.

Steph: She’s just too hottt. I don’t like the competition.

Magical_M: After his violent outburst, I find myself wondering if he’s someone I can trust to keep a lid on his emotions in the House.

Gav: I reckon he’s up to something behind the scenes – and I also think he’s a bit of a jerk.

Big Blogger: Who do you nominate for one point for aviction, and why?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Magical_M.

Steph: Javatari.

LittleFaerieGirl: TOBYtoby, because he can be really mean and strange.

Javatari: TOBYtoby.

[Cut to the lounge. All Housemates are assembled on the couch, awaiting Big Blogger’s first nominations announcement.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. This week's nominated Housemates are: Magical_M … and … Javatari … and … Gav.

[The Housemates react with shock at this news.]

Magical_M: Hmm. [She looks very unimpressed.]

Big Blogger: MelbourneGirl, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: MelbourneGirl, as winner of Friday Night Live, you will now exercise the most important part of your prize. Who do you wish to deduct three points from, and why.

MelbourneGirl: Definitely Magical_M, Big Blogger. She’s probably my closest friend in here now, so obviously I don’t want to lose her.

Big Blogger. Go back to the lounge and say nothing of this to your Housemates.

Feral: [Voice over] After the three point twist, nothing was changed. Magical_M still had enough nomination votes to keep her in the running. But Big Blogger added TOBYtoby to the nominated Housemates for losing his Insider mission earlier in the week.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The Housemates up for aviction this week are … Magical_M … and … Javatari … and … Gav … and … TOBYtoby. That is all.

Gav: Yikes! Two weeks in a row. I must be doing something wrong!

MelbourneGirl: [To Magical_M] That really sucks.

Magical_M: Don’t worry about it. I’ve come to expect it, now.

Feral: [Voice over] Three Housemates are nominated, but only one will be evicted.

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is hobnobbing with the stars.]

Feral: So who will it be? TOBYtoby? [The audience cheers in support of TOBYtoby.] Magical_M? [The audience cheers in support of Magical_M.] Javatari? [The audience cheers in support of Javatari.] Gav? [The audience cheers in support of Gav.] Let’s head down to the House right now to find out.

[Cut to live footage of the Housemates all lined up on the couch, the four in the middle looking especially nervous.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Hi, Feral! / hello / etc.

Feral: How’s everyone doing tonight?

Housemates: Alright / good thanks / okay / etc.

Feral: Now before I talk to our nominated Housemates, I’d like to speak to our three Intruders. Where are they? [Camera cuts to show Dxxxx, RichardWatts and Tammiodo sitting together on the far left, waving.]

RichardWatts: Yoo-hoo!

Dxxxx: Here we are.

Tammiodo: Hi.

Feral: Ah, there you are. Let’s start with you, Dxxxx. [Audience cheers for Dxxxx.] My, it didn’t take you very long to hook up!

Dxxxx: Hehe! [Giggles like a schoolgirl.] Yup!

Feral: How’s life in the House treating you?

Dxxxx: Oh, very well. Very well indeed.

Feral: That’s good. Is it just how you expected it to be, after reading about it on the outside?

Dxxxx: Nah, it’d totally different. Much bigger than you’d imagine. And smaller, too.

Feral: That’s an odd combination.

Dxxxx: You know what I mean.

Feral: Mmm, not really, but that’s okay. [They both laugh.] Now, RichardWatts, how have you been dealing with arriving in the House?

RichardWatts: Great, thanks! I’m loving it in here.

Feral: Do you get along more with the boys or the girls in there?

RichardWatts: Um, well so far I’ve only really had a chance to get to know the guys, but hopefully in the next couple of days I’ll have a chance to catch up with the girls properly.

Feral: Fair enough. How about the hygiene situation in there?

RichardWatts: It’s better than I expected, actually.

Feral: That’s good. Are you looking for love in the House?

RichardWatts: Ha. Um, I don’t really think there’s anyone here who fits the category of what I’m interested in, but we’ll see what happens. [Audience picks up that RichardWatts is being deliberately vague at this point and realises he is yet to inform his Housemates that he is gay. Their interest is piqued.]

Feral: Okay, and finally Tammiodo.

Tammiodo: G’day there. [Chuckles]

Feral: I’ve noticed that you been a bit of a surprise. Are you finding that the people you thought you’d be close to aren’t actually the ones you’re spending the most time with?

Tammiodo: Yeah, sort of. I’m spending a lot of time with people I didn’t think I would, but it’s always great to be pleasantly surprised, Feral.

Feral: Absolutely it is!

Tammiodo: So who knows? Maybe I’ll find some romance in here as well!

[Audience goes ‘Wooooooooo!’]

Feral: The suspense is killing me! [Laughs] Not really. I don’t care. [Laughs again – but is she kidding?] Okay, finally, where’s MelbourneGirl?

MelbourneGirl: Ooh! Me! Here I am! [The camera finds her seated on the far right of the couch.]

Feral: I just have to say congratulations to you for being the first woman on Big Blogger to win Friday Night Live.

[Audience cheers in support of Women’s Lib, etc.]

MelbourneGirl: Thank you! [She comes over all coy, which is very unlike her.]

Feral: It’s great to see such strong female leadership in the House.

MelbourneGirl: Yeah. The weekend in the Rewards Room was great, too! [The Housemates chuckle at this obvious ‘tease’.]

Feral: Alright, let’s talk to our nominated Housemates, because despite all the fun we’re having here, someone’s gonna be evicted tonight. [Audience cheers, just like in Roman times when they wanted to see someone ripped apart by lions for their own enjoyment. This was a different group of audience members to then, though. Otherwise they’d be extremely old.] Let me see Gav.

Gav: Hey there. [Audience cheers for Gav.]

Feral: Are you feeling confident?

Gav: You can never feel confident, Feral.

Feral: Why’s that?

Gav: Oh, you just don’t know what the public’s thinking of you.

Feral: Especially after … ?

Gav: Yeah. Especially after the dramas earlier in the week.

Feral: Well, good luck to you.

Gav: Thanks.

Feral: Javatari, hi.

Javatari: Greetings. [Audience cheers for Javatari.]

Feral: This is your first time up for eviction, isn’t it?

Javatari: That is correct.

Feral: Well, you sound quite calm.

Javatari: I am a panicky mess, Feral.

Feral: You are? Wow, you seem so controlled.

Javatari: That is simply an old Jedi mind trick that I have placed upon those around me. I give the appearance of calmness when in fact I am <BEEP>ing myself.

Feral: Whoa. Okay then. Good luck Javatari.

Javatari: Thank you. May the fortunes of man be ever-prese—

Feral: [Interrupting] Yes, okay. Now let’s talk to TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Hi Feral. [Audience cheers for TOBYtoby.]

Feral: Hello. Well, so far you and Magical_M hold the Big Blogger nomination record. You’ve both been nominated all three weeks!

TOBYtoby: That’s right. It’s rough being so popular!

Feral: Is that what it is? I was wondering what kept getting you nominated. You think it’s popularity?

TOBYtoby: Of one kind or another, yes. [They all chuckle. What good times!]

Feral: Well, we may very well be seeing you soon over here, so good luck.

TOBYtoby: Thanks.

Feral: And that just leaves Magical_M.

Magical_M: Hello. [Audience cheers for Magical_M.]

Feral: What’s going through your mind right now?

Magical_M: Um … “Why me?” [Audience laughs a little, but not in a cruel way.]

Feral: You want to know why you’re being nominated, or why you’re evicted, if you are?

Magical_M: Well, both, really. But I was thinking mainly of the eviction. I think I know why I’m being nominated. [Audience goes ‘Wooooooooo!’ again.]

Feral: Oooh! Do tell!

Magical_M: I think I’m too hottt. People here can’t stand it. [She laughs good-naturedly, and most of the Housemates join in. Steph doesn’t.]

Feral: [Laughing] I see. What an affliction!

Magical_M: [Smiling] Yeah.

Feral: Well good luck to you as well.

Magical_M: Thank you, Feral!

Feral: Good luck to everyone.

Housemates: Thank you, Feral / cheers / yep / thanks / etc.

Feral: I’m being handed the envelope now, so we’re only moments away from discovering who’s going to be joining me up here on stage. [Audience gets more and more ravenous.] Here we go … It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Javatari!

[Audience goes loopy. Housemates react in surprise and shock. Javatari shoots lightning out of his fingertips at the wall in anger. Ten small scorch marks are left on the paintwork.]

Javatari: [To himself] Sha-damn!

[The other Housemates begin to crowd around Javatari, trying to console him.]

Steph: Oh, Javatari! I’ll miss your tricks!

TOBYtoby: Sorry, man.

MelbourneGirl: You’ll have a great time tonight, though.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Javatari, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

[Javatari stands up and quickly begins to say goodbye to the other Housemates.]

Gav: See ya, man.

Javatari: Farewell.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Bye, Javatari.

Javatari: Farewell.

LittleFaerieGirl: It was great getting to know you.

Javatari: Farewell.

Magical_M: Have a great time, okay?

Javatari: Farewell.

RichardWatts: Sorry you couldn’t be in here for longer.

Javatari: Farewell.

Dxxxx: Enjoy your night!

Javatari: Farewell.

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Javatari: Farewell.

MelbourneGirl: Bye.

Javatari: Farewell.

TOBYtoby: We’ll see you out there soon.

Javatari: Farewell.

Steph: Don’t be sad. I think you’re great. Bye!

Javatari: Farewell.

Tammiodo: Er, … bye, Javatari.

[Pause. Javatari appears to be making his mind up about something.]

Javatari: Shazam! [He snaps his fingers and there is a flash of smoke and a crack of thunder. Time slows down. He grabs Tammiodo by the shoulders, lowers her into a dip, and kisses her passionately. At first she is surprised, but quickly gives herself in to the moment and just goes with it. He breaks the kiss after a few heated moments, and looks into her eyes. The air is sparking with sexual tension.]

Javatari: [Whispering seductively] Farewell.

[There is another flash of smoke and crack of thunder as time starts running smoothly again.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Javatari, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

[Javatari helps Tammiodo stand up straight again. Despite herself, she appears flustered and excited. Self-consciously, she tries to adjust her clothing and hair. She cannot seem to wipe the smile from her face. Javatari walks to the open doorway and turns to face the Housemates.]

Javatari: [Addressing the group] Shortly I will see who nominated me, and I shall cast a spell on those individuals. A pox on this House! And yea, verily, so shall your food be smote with disease. And lo, also shalt thine water runneth cold forevermore. [The Housemates are looking on, bored. Javatari senses this.] And … um … I hate you! [He turns and runs out of the House, crying.]

MelbourneGirl: [As the door slides closed] What a <BEEP>in’ freak!

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is laughing.]

Feral: [Smiling] Well, Javatari’s on his way up here to joi—

[There is a sudden bang, a puff of smoke, and immediately Javatari is standing next to Feral, wiping tears from his eyes.]

Javatari: [Half-heartedly] Shazam.

Feral: Whoa! Please welcome our fourth Big Blogger Evictee to the stage: Javatari!

[Audience gasps in collective delight. Javatari looks up, senses that they love him, and begins to smile. The audience screams for him. Seconds later, he’s waving like a pro. Professional stage magician, that is. Eventually he turns his attention back to Feral.]

Javatari: Hello.

Feral: Welcome! Let’s sit down.

[Javatari and Feral sit on the couch, and the audience gradually falls quiet.]

Feral: Well! Goodness me, I’ve never seen such a production of an exit from the House! It had everything; smoke, thunder, lightning, threats, tears – time was even slowed down! And what about that kiss!

[Audience goes ‘all Jerry Springer’. Javatari looks like he may even be blushing.]

Javatari: Oh, that was just something I’d been meaning to do since Tammiodo got there. We became really close during the day today, so I didn’t want to leave the House without at least giving it a try.

Feral: Well, you’ve certainly touched the hearts of all the romantics out there.

Javatari: You think so?

[Audience cheers in response.]

Feral: I’d say so, yes. [Laughs] We never actually saw any footage of you and Tammiodo getting close.

Javatari: Didn’t you? It was earlier today.

Feral: I see. Well that’s remarkable. You certainly won her over in a very short space of time!

[Javatari smiles. The audience goes ‘Woooooooh!’ again – pretty much just for something to do.]

Javatari: We even talked about her becoming my new assistant.

Feral: Really? [The audience applauds. They love the idea.]

Javatari: Yeah, so I can saw her in half, stick swords through her, throw knives at her … that sort of thing.

Feral: Sounds like true love. [They laugh.] Well, you’ll be on Uplate tonight with Mike Goldentonsils, and he’ll be showing you who ‘nommed’ you, but right now I’m going to show you your eviction graph. [Javatari’s save and evict graph appears on screen.] Hmm, I can never work this out. Let’s see. Oh yes, I have to tell you that readers can ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’.

Javatari: I see.

Feral: And I can’t see it for myself, but apparently that graph shows you the breakdown of the votes.

Javatari: Let me transpose it for you. [He points to the screen.] Shazam!

[There is a puff of smoke and the graph disappears. In its place are the words: “Javatari: 63% of the merged vote.”]

Feral: Oh, thank you! That makes things much more clear. That’s a great skill you’ve got, there. It must come in handy a lot.

Javatari: Yes, it’s especially useful when people cut me off in traffic.

Feral: I’ll bet. Well, anyway, did you have a good time in Big Blogger?

Javatari: Absolutely. I found it to be quite a reward experience. It enabled me to meet new people and really loosen up a lot

[The audience laughs because they think he’s joking.]

Feral: That’s good. Okay, now it’s time to give you your prizes. Here they are; a three-ring binder and two teaspoons!

[Audience cheers.]

Javatari: Thank you for your generosity. [It’s impossible to tell if he’s truly grateful or entirely unimpressed]

Feral: No problem at all. All the best with your magic thingo. [To the audience] Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Four, Javatari!

[Audience goes bonkers as Javatari waves, bows, wraps his cape around him, and disappears in a small explosion of smoke.]

Feral: Okay, that’s tonight’s show all wrapped up. Four Housemates are now out of the House, but our three Intruders are fair game for nominations next week, so watch out! Who knows how the voting will go? I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where we’re well on the way to making Big Blogger history! Good night!

[Audience starts playing little plastic musical instruments in joy.]

Mike: [Voice over] Tune in next week to see who’ll become our fifth Evictee! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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