Big Blogger - Final Week, Part 1

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[The audience is on its feet and mine as Feral walks out onto stage.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – The Final Week, Part 1. This is it, folks. There’s no going back now. We’re going to be seeing a series of mini Big Blogger episodes popping up this week, and one of our Housemates is going to be evicted each night until we have just three left for the Grand Finale next Friday!

[Audience goes feral. But not the one on stage.]

Feral: The only other thing you need to know is that we’ve pre-recorded the eviction to save time getting the evictee up to the stage to join me. Tonight’s evictee is already waiting in the wings, so let’s have a look at what happened in the House just ten minutes ago and see who tonight’s evictee is!

[Cut to video footage of the House. The Housemates are all seated on the couch in the lounge. They are relaxed and happy; clearly they have no idea what is in store.]

Mars: I wonder if I’ve got time to run to the loo.

Enny: I wouldn’t, if I were you. This probably won’t take long. I bet he just wants to tell us what our weekly task is this week.

Pomgirl: Wrong day.

Gav: I wish he’d hurry up; I’m hungry!

MelbourneGirl: I’ll make you a cup of tea after.

Gav: I said I’m hungry.

Sublime-ation: I wonder how much longer we’re gonna be waiting here.

Pomgirl: Knowing him, probably for ages yet.

Big Blogger: Housemates.

Housemates: Whoa! / At last! / Oh, hurray / Bugger / etc.

Big Blogger: Big Blogger has called you all to the lounge for a special announcement. [Pause while the Housemates look at each other uncertainly.] You already know there will be no more editions of Friday Night Live. But what you don’t yet know is that there will also be no more weekly tasks. There will be no more chores. And there will be no more nominations. [The Housemates cheer.] Housemates. From this moment on, all Housemates are up for aviction. [The Housemates react in shock at this news.] There could be an aviction at any time. There will be no warning when an aviction is about to take place. You will simply be called to the couch. You will have no time to pack your belongings. Your fellow Housemates will pack your belongings for you and bring them to the Diary Room after you have been avicted. The only way you will know if it is time for an aviction is when Feral appears on the TV screen in the lounge and says, ‘Hello House’. Do you understand?

Housemates: [Still in shock] Yes Big Blogger / Yeah / Uh-huh / Sure / etc.

Big Blogger: That is all.

Magical_M: Wow! We must be really close to the end!

Enny: No way! There’s still eight of us left!

Mars: That doesn’t seem to matter, they can do whatever they want.

Javatari: I am not too surprised at this turn of events, but I must say that the suddenness of the next few evictions will surely rattle us around like a rat in a cage.

Sublime-ation: Or a dove in a pants pocket.

Javatari: That’s just like a rat in a cage.

Sublime-ation: … only crunchy.

MelbourneGirl: Maybe we should all go and pack our stuff up so it’s easier for the rest of us to take it to the Diary Room after we’re gone?

Gav: Yeah, we can just live out of our suitcases for the rest of the show.

Pomgirl: Okay, let’s go. [They begin to stand.]

Feral: [Appearing suddenly on the TV screen] Hello, House.

Housemates: Ahh! / Oh no! / <BEEP>! / Buggerbuggerbugger / etc.

Feral: How are you this evening?

Pomgirl: Is it an eviction right now?

Feral: It sure is.

Enny: Oh, crap!

Gav: That’s evil.

Feral: [Laughing] So are you ready?

Magical_M: No!

Feral: I’m being handed the envelope now …

Pomgirl: Are you kidding?! This is so not fair!

Feral: Good luck, everyone.

[The Housemates grumble to themselves.]

Feral: It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Sublime-ation!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

Sublime-ation: [Standing up.] I knew it. Aww, man – that sucks!

[The other Housemates stand up to hug Sublime-ation good-bye.]

Mars: We’ll see you really soon, by the sound of it!

Sublime-ation: Maybe so! [They hug.]

Enny: Sorry about that, Subby.

Sublime-ation: Yeah, no worries. [They hug.]

Gav: Have a great time at your own special little party!

Sublime-ation: Oh, I will! [They hug.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Sublime-ation, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Sublime-ation: Yeah, hang on!

MelbourneGirl: See ya later, babe.

Sublime-ation: Absolutely. Thanks for all the cups of tea! [They hug.]

Magical_M: Thanks for bringing so much fun into the House!

Sublime-ation: Aw, thanks. [They hug.]

Pomgirl: Good-bye.

Sublime-ation: Bye. [They hug.]

Javatari: Fare thee well.

Sublime-ation: Thanks. See ya. [They hug.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Sublime-ation, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

Sublime-ation: Yep. [She walks up to the Diary Room door, which opens for her. She steps through the doorway and the door closes behind her, with the Housemates waving and calling out to her.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: So that’s what happened less than ten minutes ago. And now, here she is: Sublime-ation!

[Audience whoops for joy as Sublime-ation enters the stage, waving and smiling at everyone.]

Sublime-ation: Hello Feral.

Feral: Hi Sublime-ation. So tell me, what’s it like being evicted like that with no warning?

Sublime-ation: I kind of got a warning, though. The Executive Producer visited my blog and left a not-so-cryptic message about it.

Feral: Really? That’s weird. How were you checking your blog inside the House?

Sublime-ation: Oh, we have Internet access in there.

Feral: That’s pretty good!

Sublime-ation: Yeah, but instead of a computer or even an Internet fridge, the only terminal’s in the toilet.

Feral: I see. That’s why we’ve never known about it! Well, that gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘downloading a file’.

[The audience laughs and laughs – they love poo jokes.]

Sublime-ation: Very good!

Feral: Thanks. I thought that was a solid one.

Sublime-ation: [Looking at Feral askance] Are you still going?

Feral: Yep.

Sublime-ation: Okaaaaaay …

Feral: [Sensing that she’s lost them] But I’ll stop now.

Sublime-ation: That’d be great.

Feral: Fair enough. Well, you’re going to be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils tonight.

Sublime-ation: Sounds great!

Feral: And I’ve decided to do away with the graphs, so you’ll never get to see those.

Sublime-ation: Sounds sensible.

Feral: So that just leaves the prizes!

Sublime-ation: Yay!

Feral: Here they are … a box of tissues … used … and a one hundred dollar voucher at Bunnings Warehouse. [For a moment, Sublime-ation looks impressed with this prize.]

Sublime-ation: [Looking at the back of the voucher] Um, it expired last year.

Feral: That’s why the guy who owned it was happy to give it away!

Sublime-ation: [Unimpressed] You guys rock.

Feral: Aw, thanks! Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Fourteen, Sublime-ation!

[Audience cheers merrily as Sublime-ation leaves the stage smiling and waving to everyone.]

Feral: So that’s Part 1 of Big Blogger’s Final Week. It shouldn’t take too long to speed through the rest of them, if they continue like this. See you tomorrow for Part 2. I’m off to join Sublime-ation at her party. I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where if someone doesn’t win this thing soon, I’m gonna strangle someone. Good night!

[Audience claps itself on the back for a job well done – not an easy thing to achieve, when you think about it.]

Mike: [Voice over] At last! We’re into the final stretch. Make your votes count. Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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