Big Blogger - Final Week, Part 2

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[The audience swallows its tongue in desire as Feral walks out onto stage.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – The Final Week, Part 2. Things have really been heating up in the House today after Sublime-ation’s shocking surprise eviction last night! Everyone’s just a little bit on edge since they realized they’re all up for eviction together, and tempers have been frayed. As I explained last night, these mini editions of Big Blogger come to you half pre-recorded. The eviction has actually already happened, just ten minutes ago, and the evicted Housemate is standing in the wings here, waiting to come on stage. That’s just to save us some time as they make their way up from the House. So let’s have a look at the footage of what went down in the House when tonight’s evictee was announced just moments ago!

[Cut to video footage of the House. The Housemates are all seated on the couch in the lounge. They are scowling at each other. No one seems to be in a good mood.]

Enny: Just back off, Mars!

Mars: You don’t have to be such a <BEEP>, Enny.

Enny: I wasn’t! I was only trying to make everyone some tea!

MelbourneGirl: [Grumpily] Should have left the tea-making to the professionals …

Mars: You used my special tea! The stuff I paid for and brought in with me! Now it’s all gone!

Enny: And I said I’m sorry! I had no idea you’d brought in any stupid tea!

Mars: Oh, you did so. You’re just trying to piss me off.

Enny: If I was trying to piss you off, I’d have said how well you suited your Gonzo costume last week.

Gav: Will you girls just shut up?

Enny & Mars: Shut up yourself!

Javatari: I do not think that this is serving any purpose …

Pomgirl: Oh, go saw yourself in half, ya freak.

Feral: [Appearing suddenly on the TV screen] Hello, House.

Housemates: Oh, great! / Here we go / <BEEP>! / Let’s just get this over with / etc.

Feral: It sounds like there’s some tension brewing!

[The Housemates are non-responsive.]

Feral: Mars and Enny, you guys have been inseparable the whole time you’ve been in the House – but clearly now something has happened to upset the apple cart.

Mars: Enny’s a thief and a liar.

Enny: WHAT?!

Feral: Alright, that’s enough. Maybe you two need to work this out between yourselves later on. Hopefully neither of you gets evicted tonight and you’ll be able to sort out your differences after the eviction. If one of you does get evicted tonight, however … you’ll have to wait until Big Blogger finishes before you see each other again.

Mars: Good. I hope one of us is evicted.

[There is an awkward silence following that spiteful outburst.]

Feral: Anyway, good luck to everyone. I’m being handed the envelope now.

[The Housemates grumble under their breath.]

Feral: It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Pomgirl!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

Pomgirl: [Standing up.] Son of a <BEEP>!

[The other Housemates stand up to hug Pomgirl good-bye.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh well, it’s been great getting to know you.

Pomgirl: Yeah. At times you guys were great, too. [They hug.]

Magical_M: See ya, Pomgirl. You made us laugh heaps.

Pomgirl: Yeah, that’s because I’m really funny. [They hug.]

Gav: Have a drink tonight for me, okay?

Pomgirl: Nah, I’ll be too busy drinking for myself! [They hug.]

Mars: [Calming down] Sorry to be arguing like that on your last night in here, Pomgirl.

Pomgirl: You just need to be easier to live with – like I am. [They hug.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Pomgirl, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Pomgirl: That guy is such a tosser!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Pomgirl, for calling Big Blogger ‘a tosser’, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

Pomgirl: What do I care, now?!

Magical_M: Big Blogger! That’s not fair!

Javatari: Fare thee well, Pomgirl.

Pomgirl: I don’t understand you at all, and I think you’re very, very weird. Good-bye. [They hug.]

Enny: Have a great time out there.

Pomgirl: Well of course I will! I’ll be getting prizes! [They hug.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Pomgirl, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

Pomgirl: Good! [She walks up to the Diary Room door, which opens for her. She steps through the doorway and the door closes behind her, with the Housemates waving and calling out to her.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: So that’s what happened just a few minutes ago. And now here she is: Pomgirl!

[Audience performs a moonwalk as Pomgirl enters the stage, waving at everyone.]

Pomgirl: Hello Feral.

Feral: Hi Pomgirl. Wow, you really are a pocket rocket, aren’t you!

Pomgirl: I don’t understand what that means.

Feral: Oh, it means that you may be small, but you’re feisty!

Pomgirl: [Rolling her eyes] Then why don’t you just say that? Honestly, you Aussies have far too many slang expressions. You should learn how to speak all proper like me.

Feral: Sure, we’ll take that on board. Okay, you’re going to be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils tonight, …

Pomgirl: Who?

Feral: Mike Goldentonsils. He’s the Big Blogger voice-over artist and he hosts Friday Night Live and Uplate and the new meerkat show …

Pomgirl: Never heard of him.

Feral: Well, you wouldn’t have, would you. You’re from another country.

Pomgirl: But I’ve heard of some Australian celebrities …

Feral: Oh yes? Like whom?

Pomgirl: [Correcting her] "Like who". [She shakes her head at Feral condemningly, then takes a breath before continuing.] Like Steve Irwin, Peter Brock, Sally’s brother James Brayshaw and The Muppets, for one.

Feral: For “one”?

Pomgirl: Yes. And then there’s The Crocodile Dundee Hunter, the guy who created that Internet search engine … what was his name … oh yeah; Yahoo Serious, and … um … Germaine Green.

Feral: Do you mean Germaine Greer?

Pomgirl: No.

[Pause. You can hear crickets chirping outside.]

Feral: Anyway, you’ll be on Uplate with Mike, so good luck to him.

Pomgirl: Thanks!

Feral: And here are your prizes!

Pomgirl: This is what I’ve been waiting for!

Feral: Here you go … a T-shirt that says, “I went to Australia and all I got was ridiculed about Drop Bears” … and a jar of Vegemite.

Pomgirl: [Her face burning with outright anger] YOU <BEEP>ING WHAT?!?

[The Big Blogger Ninja hobbles out on his crutches to hold Pomgirl back from physically attacking Feral.]

Feral: [As the Ninja forcibly removes a struggling and spluttering Pomgirl from the stage] Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Fifteen, Pomgirl!

[Audience cheers merrily as Pomgirl disappears into the wings, kicking and screaming all the way.]

Feral: So that’s Part 2 of Big Blogger’s Final Week down. Tomorrow we’ll have Part 3. Who’ll be evicted then?? I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where the Housemates are coming out of the House faster than a series of very fast things indeed! Good night!

[Audience cheers and toasts Feral for all her fine work.]

Mike: [Voice over] I don’t think anyone reads this bit, so I’ll just say this: Buffy rocks! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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