Big Blogger - MORE Intruders!

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience flip-flops all over the place.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody!

Audience: Woo!

Feral: Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – Intruder Special Number Two! That’s right, tonight we’re sending some new Intruders into the House – and it won’t be just three Intruders like you’re used to seeing. In fact, it won’t even be four Intruders. [She pauses and reflects on this for a second.] Oh wait, yes it will.

[She turns away from the first camera in disgust and continues speaking to the second camera, which is her pet favourite.]

Feral: That’s right, in a few moments, we’ll be sending FOUR new Intruders into the Big Blogger House!

[Audience screams in delirium.]

Feral: And of course we haven’t told any of this to the Housemates, so they have no idea that this is about to happen. They’ve finished their evening meal and are all sitting around in the backyard at the moment, so let’s pop over to the House for a quick look at what they’re up to.

[Cut to the House. The Housemates are seated on deck chairs and similar outside, under the stars.]

Gav: And no matter where she looked, all she could find were piles of clothes pegs everywhere!

[The Housemates break up into raucous laughter. Pomgirl is frowning to herself, trying to work out what the joke is. Sitting next to her, TOBYtoby slaps his hand down on his thigh, making a loud slap sound that startles Pomgirl. Steph is crying with laughter. MelbourneGirl and Magical_M are having giggle fits.]

Tyson: Man, you have the best jokes!

RichardWatts: I wish I could remember jokes like you can. I’d love to be able to tell jokes like that!

Gav: Ah, it’s just a gift I have, I guess.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage. The audience is a little quiet, not understanding what was so funny in Gav’s story.]

Feral: Hmm, we always seem to cut over there in time to hear the punchlines but miss the jokes. How very annoying. Anyway, that just shows you how the very concept of new Intruders is the last thing anyone’s thinking about inside the House at the moment. In fact, just earlier today, RichardWatts was in the Diary Room and this is what he had to say to Big Blogger.

[Cut to RichardWatts in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: RichardWatts.

RichardWatts: Hi, Big Blogger. I just wanted to come in here and talk with you about my feelings of security this week.

Big Blogger: Are you feeling adequately secure?

RichardWatts: Yes and no. I reckon I could be the next Housemate to go.

Big Blogger: Do you think being the last remaining Intruder in the House has anything to do with your feelings of insecurity?

RichardWatts: Absolutely. Yeah, it was kind of weird to see both Dxxxx and Tammiodo get evicted over the past two weeks. I guess I kind of feel like I must be next.

Big Blogger: But you voted for Tammiodo yourself.

RichardWatts: Yeah, but there were various reasons for that. The way she threw all our stuff around the bedroom, for one.

Big Blogger: And … ?

RichardWatts: And the fact that if she went before me, it’d mean I got to be the last Intruder left in the House.

Big Blogger: So what you wished for is now causing you some anxiety.

RichardWatts: Yeah, I guess so. But I’m anxious about it only because I think the other Housemates will nominate me this week to save them having to nominate one of their other friends who’ve been here longer than me. It makes sense.

Big Blogger: But if you can avoid nomination?

RichardWatts: Well, it’ll be grouse just to outlast anyone else, just as it felt great to see Tammiodo get evicted on Wednesday night and know that I successfully infiltrated the House enough to still be here when she and Dxxxx weren’t.

Big Blogger: RichardWatts, do you believe that being the last Intruder left in the House is an advantage?

RichardWatts: It’s more of an advantage than being one of the two Intruders who’ve been evicted already, yeah!

Big Blogger: But how is it an advantage to you now?

RichardWatts: [Pause] I guess I think it means I could be the new favourite, perhaps. Maybe the reading public can find out more about me now that I’m still here, and maybe they’ll want me to stick around and be the newest thing on the block. It’s an angle, and it’s the only one I’ve got. So I’m gonna use it.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage. The audience goes ‘Woooooo!”]

Feral: He’s a very determined young man, that one. But he might be in for a rude shock in a few short minutes! And speaking of which, it’s now time to meet our first new Intruder. She’s an intelligent young woman who likes the sublime.

[Cut to video footage.]

Sublime-ation: I’m so excited about going into the Big Blogger House – I’ve been reading every episode and the very idea thrills me to bits. This is definitely the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. At least a week.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage.]

Feral: If she’s reading every episode, she can’t be too bad! Please make her feel welcome as she joins me here on stage, it’s Intruder Number One, Sublime-ation!

[Everyone in the audience waves their hands in the air like they just don’t care, but naturally they do because they already like the cut of Sublime-ation’s jib.]

Sublime-ation: [Entering] Hello! [Waves at audience. To Feral:] Boy, you look amazing, Feral!

Feral: Thank you very much! Tell us a little about yourself.

Sublime-ation: Um, I’m 30 years old, and I’m a visual arts writer.

Feral: You write about visual arts?

Sublime-ation: Um, sure. If that’s how you want to put it.

Feral: Excellent. So what do you plan to bring to the House?

Sublime-ation: I was told I’d be bringing champagne.

[Audience laughs.]

Feral: No, I mean what about your personality will you be bringing to the House?

Sublime-ation: All of it! [She looks at Feral as if the interviewer has lost her marbles. How could she possibly only bring certain parts of her personality with her??]

Feral: Yes, but … [There is a moment where Feral considers trying again.] Well, that’s excellent. Make sure you leave nothing behind, then.

Sublime-ation: I won’t.

Feral: Have a great time, and good luck!

Sublime-ation: Bye! [Waves at the audience as a Ninja takes her by the arms and directs her off stage.]

[Audience screams for Sublime-ation, because most of them are too dumb to have understood Feral’s questions either.]

Feral: Wow, that was an interesting one! Let’s see who’s next.

[Cut to video footage. This woman is dressed in a frilly white blouse with a black vest, and she’s wearing a red bandana on her head and an eye patch over her left eye.]

Elaine: Arrgh! My only hope for my time on Big Blogger is to find where all the treasure be kept, and make sure none of them landlubbers tries to take it away from me! Arrgh!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage. Feral’s eyebrows are raised in silent surprise, and for a brief moment she almost doesn’t know what to say. The audience is laughing.]

Feral: Well, from the sublime to the ridiculous …

[The sound of a comedian’s drum fill is heard. We see a very suave and attention-seeking Ninja sitting at a drum kit backstage, giving a big cheesy smile to the camera. He is holding a pair of drumsticks but still manages to give the camera a big thumbs-up.]

Feral: [Continuing as if she didn’t hear the drum fill] … let’s say hello to Intruder Number Two, Elaine!

[Audience hoots and hollers as Elaine appears on stage waving. She is dressed completely like a pirate; with a black pirate’s hat featuring a white skull-and-crossbones design on the front, big black boots with oversized buckles on them, a large cutlass tucked into her belt, and big maroon pantaloons. She also has one wooden leg and a stuffed green parrot perched on her shoulder.]

Elaine: Arrgh! [She raises her cutlass into the air by way of saluting the audience, and they increase their cheers for her.]

Feral: Hello Elaine, welcome!

Elaine: Arrgh! Thank ye, Feral, thank ye. Your garb is most fetching! Arrgh!

Feral: Um, thank you, I appreciate that. So tell me … what’s with all the pirate get up? You know there’s no pirate-themed task this year, right?

Elaine: Arrgh! I dinna come ‘ere for that. I often have me own pirate tasks at ‘ome, Feral. I’m just ‘ere to be on Big Blogger and hopefully win a big chest filled with doubloons! Arrgh!

Feral: Well I see you’re halfway there already!

[The audience laughs as the camera quickly zooms in and out on Elaine’s mighty chest multiple times, in a forced but slightly comical fashion, Benny Hill-style. A ‘boiiiiing’ sound is heard while it rapidly zooms in and out.]

Elaine: Arrgh! The first peek be free, but after that, it be costin’ ya. Consider yeself warned. Arrgh!

Feral: Fair enough. Well, I must say that you’re certainly the most creative individual we’ve had in the House so far – do you think the Australian reading public is ready to vote for a pirate to win Big Blogger?

Elaine: Arrgh! I dinna see why not!

[Beat.]

Feral: “Arrgh”??

Elaine: Oooh, yes. Sorry. Arrgh!

Feral: Well, it’s great to see such devotion to your … pirate heritage. I assume your ancestors were pirates?

Elaine: Nay, but me descendants were!

Feral: [Looking at Elaine quizzically] Okaaaaaay. How very interesting. Well, it’s time to head off with our Ninjas and prepare to enter the House. Good luck!

Elaine: Thank ye! [To audience] Fare thee well, m’hearties! Arrgh!

[The audience doesn’t know much pirate talk, but it knows what it likes. And it likes Elaine! She follows a Big Blogger Ninja off stage.]

Feral: I’m not sure if that’s a pirate accent or a Scottish accent, but anyway. [She shrugs melodramatically.] Okay, don’t anybody stress; we’re halfway there. Now let’s find out who our third Intruder is.

[Cut to video footage.]

Mars: I know the Housemates are going to love me. All it takes is a conversation with me a day to help them work, rest and play. [The audience groans while Mars looks off-camera at someone sitting nearby.] Sorry, was that too much?

[Cut back to Feral on the stage.]

Feral: Well, she just stole the opening line I was going to use on her myself! I’d better think of something else to say pretty quickly, because here she comes: it’s Intruder Number Three, Mars!

[Audience spins round like a record, right round, like a record baby, right round, round, round as Mars enters and waves appreciatively.]

Mars: Thank you! Hi! [To Feral] Wow, you look great in that!

Feral: Thank you, Mars. So I must ask: Are you named after the chocolate bar or the planet?

Mars: Definitely the chocolate bar! I love them!

Feral: Does that mean you eat a lot of them?

Mars: Only a couple a day. [Audience gasps.] That’s not so bad, is it? [Audience murmurs to itself.]

Feral: I think maybe it is. But that’s fine – we all have our vices! Mine is looking absolutely fabulous in whatever I’m wearing.

Mars: Yes it is. That’s a great pair of cut-offs, by the way. I love a tight pair of acid-wash denim.

Feral: Thank you. But I must ask: Do you have any favourite Housemates in the House already?

Mars: Um, at the risk of all the ‘M’s hanging out together, I think I’d really get along well with Magical_M and MelbourneGirl. My actual favourite Housemate was Audrey & The Bad Apples, so it was a little disappointing to see her get evicted before I even went in. But oh well.

Feral: Do you have a least favourite?

Mars: [Considers the question for a moment] Nah. Not yet, anyway. We’ll see who grates on my nerves after a day or two!

Feral: Yes we will! You’ll be entering the House in just a moment, so if you’d like to go with our Ninja over there, he’ll get you down to the House.

Mars: Okay, thanks everyone. [Waves]

Feral: Put your hands together for Mars!

[Audience ‘let rips’ for Mars, who exits the stage with a smile and a Ninja.]

Feral: Okay. Three down, one to go. Let’s meet our final Intruder.

[Cut to video footage.]

Enny: I really hope I can stick around in Big Blogger for a while. Even if I don’t win, it’d just be cool to be in that House with such great people for as long as possible. Anything’s better than being sent back to Canberra.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage.]

Feral: That makes four female Intruders! What happened to all the men??! Well, let’s get our national’s capital’s representative out here; it’s Intruder Number Four, Enny!

[Audience goes nutso showing their appreciation.]

Enny: Thanks, hello! [To Feral] Great blouse, Feral! I especially love how it goes transparent under these lights.

Feral: Thank you, … [she gives a double-take] … what??

Enny: [Waving to the crowd] Hello!! [Audience screams and cheers to her in response.] Wooooooooo!!

Feral: [Crossing her arms in front of herself] They certainly seem to have taken a shine to you!

Enny: Yeah - I just hope it lasts, eh!

Feral: ‘Eh’ indeed. Now, let’s talk: Where in Canberra do you hail from, exactly?

Enny: From the Enny-Pen. [Feral looks confused.] It’s a small suburb just outside Queanbeyan.

Feral: Oh, I see. I didn’t know that.

Enny: No, it’s news to most people.

Feral: And is there any prospect for a relationship for you inside the House?

Enny: I dunno. Maybe. [She thinks for a moment.] My partner at home mightn’t like it, though …

Feral: Oh, you’ve got a boyfriend or other assorted life-partner at home?

Enny: Yeah, one of those. But hey – what’s he gonna do about it, eh? [She smiles; the audience laughs hesitantly. Is she kidding? Feral just smiles and casually changes the topic.]

Feral: So who do you think is flying under the radar the most in the House?

Enny: Oooh, I’d definitely have to say Gav. [The audience cheers for Gav.]

Feral: Gav, really?

Enny: Yeah. He’s just riding Steph’s coat tails, I reckon. Apart from telling really funny jokes, what does he bring to the House?

Feral: Well, I don’t know. Maybe you’ll be able to tell us yourself in a few days.

Enny: Hehe … yeah, maybe.

Feral: Okay, you’ll about to enter the House, so if you could just head off with our Ninja over there, you’ll be inside the House in no time!

Enny: I’m so excited!

Feral: Fantastic. Everyone, please put your hands together for Enny!

[The audience cheers for Enny as she makes her way off stage.]

Feral: Boy oh boy! What an interesting and eclectic bunch of misfits they are! I’m sure their surprise arrival is going to put a big dent in the middle of the House somehow, and it’s going to be very interesting to see just how it all unfolds. Let’s not hold up the pain any longer! We’re going to go live to the House right now and watch what happens as the new Intruders are thrown into the House like the proverbial cats among the pigeons.

[Cut to the House, where the Housemates are still seated around outside. Gav is finishing another joke, and the Housemates are all still red-faced and smiling from their earlier laughing fits.]

Gav: So he said, “I’ll never look at twenty-five cents the same way again!”

[The Housemates break up into more raucous laughter. TOBYtoby slaps his thigh again. Pomgirl is smiling politely but obviously doesn’t see anything funny about the joke. RichardWatts is in a very hearty mood, rolling back and forth on his deck chair, laughing loudly at the sky. Suddenly, claxons sound and the Housemates all stop laughing in surprise. They look wide-eyed to each other.]

Magical_M: INTRUDERS! Yay!!

[They all get up and run to the lounge, cheering excitedly. RichardWatts brings up the rear. He is neither running, nor cheering. In fact, he’s not even smiling. As the Housemates approach the television in the lounge, they see the following image flashing across the screen: INTRUDER ALERT! The Housemates cheer in excitement and starts asking each other if they think the Intruders will be male or female, how many there’ll be, and whether or not they’ll be bringing any alcohol with them. The Diary Room door opens and Sublime-ation hesitantly walks in holding a bottle of champagne. Magical_M, Steph and MelbourneGirl squeal and surround her in a giant hug.]

MelbourneGirl: Welcome! Welcome! We love Intruders!

Magical_M: Yay! What’s your name?

Sublime-ation: I’m Sublime-ation. [She holds up the bottle of champagne.] What should I do with this?

Steph: [Grabbing it quickly] Oooh, I’ll take that. [Unheard by the Housemates, the audience laughs at Steph’s eagerness to get sloshed.]

Tyson: [Offering his hand between MelbourneGirl and Magical_M] Hi, how you doing. I’m Tyson.

Sublime-ation: [Coming over all shy and giggling nervously] Hi Tyson.

Gav: [To RichardWatts, under his breath] Ooh, someone has a crush! …

RichardWatts: [Not paying attention, focused instead on the whole situation unraveling before him] Hmm?

[The claxons stop ringing.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh, thank <BEEP>.

Magical_M: [Loudly] Let’s have a drink! Where’s the champagne?

Steph: [Calling from the kitchen, where she is already uncorking the bottle] In here!

[The Housemates laugh at Steph as they drag Sublime-ation into the kitchen with them to celebrate her arrival in the House.]

Magical_M: Will you have one, Sublime-ation? Or can I call you Subby?

Sublime-ation: Yes I will, and yes you can.

Magical_M: Lovely!

MelbourneGirl: Do you know all our names, or do we need to introduce ourselves to you properly?

Sublime-ation: It’s okay, I pretty much know all –

[Suddenly the claxons start ringing again, and the Housemates all jump in surprise, start squealing to each other, and run back into the lounge. All except for Sublime-ation, who is left stranded behind the counter on her own, forgotten, and RichardWatts, who wasn’t getting ‘into’ the celebration himself anyway. They look at each other in silence across the kitchen for a moment, and then RichardWatts raises his eyebrows to her as if to say, “There you go, hey. They’re a fickle bunch, and once they have something else to focus on, you’ll be discarded like yesterday’s nappies.” Or words to that effect. He turns to slowly walk back into the lounge, and after a moment’s pause, Sublime-ation follows.]

[Cut to the Diary Room door. It opens and the Housemates are jumping up and down in excitement.]

Magical_M: Please be a hottt guy; please be a hottt guy!

Steph: I reckon it’s another girl.

[With a flourish, Elaine strides into the room, still in full pirate regalia and brandishing her cutlass. Her facial hair seems even more prominent than before.]

Steph: Oh my <BEEP>! [To Magical_M] We were both right!

Magical_M: What the <BEEP>?

MelbourneGirl: <BEEP>!

TOBYtoby: Ha! It’s a <BEEP>in’ pirate!

Pomgirl: Why is there a pirate in the House?

Elaine: Arrgh! Ahoy, me hearties! I be Cap’n Elaine, and you be the scurviest seadogs I ever did see! Arrgh!

Steph: Ha, that’s great!

Gav: What a cool costume!

Magical_M: Are we all meant to be dressing up?

Pomgirl: What’s with the <BEEP>in’ pirate costume?

Tyson: This is hilarious! What’s going on?

Elaine: Arrgh! Nothin’ be going on, laddie! I’m a pirate just as you’re a fruity <BEEP>. Arrgh!

Tyson: [Caught a little off guard by that remark] Oh.

Elaine: [Sensing that he doesn’t follow] I’ve read ye blog, lad. I know ye reckon that every good boy deserves fruit.

Tyson: Oh, right. I get it. That’s really funny. [He turns to Gav and rolls his eyes.]

Elaine: [By way of concluding her point] Arrgh!

[The Housemates all move back into the kitchen to serve up their champagne.. The claxons stop ringing.]

Steph: Yay! Two Intruders! I’m so glad that we’ve got some more chicks again; we’ve had nothing but chicks being evicted for ages, so this’ll help build up the numbers again.

MelbourneGirl: [To Elaine] So what’s your name, sweetie?

Elaine: [Incredulous] ’Sweetie’?!

MelbourneGirl: Um, “What’s your name, Captain?”

Elaine: [Relaxing] I be Elaine, Pirate Queen o’ the High Seas, in front of whom all men will quake and by whose sword the King’s army shall die.

[Beat.]

MelbourneGirl: Is it okay if we just call you Elaine?

Elaine: Aye.

Magical_M: Hey, I wonder if we’re gonna get any more Intru—

[Suddenly the claxons start ringing again, and the Housemates all jump in delight, start squealing to each other again, and run back into the lounge. This time, RichardWatts stays in the kitchen on his own, and begins to pour himself a very tall glass of champagne, nearly filling the flute. Sublime-ation is excited now, and Elaine is following the crowd making general pirate noises. Pomgirl isn’t looking too impressed with the night’s action, and is giving Elaine in particular some very scathing looks from the sidelines.]

Magical_M: Please be a hottt guy; please be a hottt guy!

[Cut to the Diary Room door. It opens and the Housemates try to peer around into the Diary Room to see who’s coming out. Within seconds of the door sliding open, though, Mars comes running out, all smiles and excitement..]

Steph: Another girl! Yay!!

Mars: Hi everyone! How are ya?

Pomgirl: [Demandingly] What are you? A fairy?

Mars: [Not sure how to take the question] Um, no. Not at all, don’t worry. You’re safe.

TOBYtoby: She means, are you wearing some sort of costume?

Mars: [Looking down at her clothes. They don’t look like a fairy outfit to her] Ah, no. Why would you– ?

[Without saying anything, TOBYtoby points to Elaine. Mars follows his gesture to see Elaine dressed up in all her pirate gear.]

Elaine: [Weakly] Arrgh.

Mars: Oh my goodness. No, I wasn’t given a costume. Are we all meant to be in costume?

Magical_M: That’s what I asked!

Tyson: Nah, it’s okay. Elaine here just likes to be a pirate, right, Elaine?

Elaine: [Spotting a sympathiser] Aha! That be correct, vermin.

Mars: Okay. [She immediately turns away.] Hi girls!

Steph: Hello! What’s your name?

Mars: I’m Mars.

MelbourneGirl: Are you named after the planet or the chocolate bar?

Mars: That didn’t take long! The chocolate bar.

Magical_M: Yummy!

Mars: I wasn’t allowed to bring any in with me, though.

Steph: Oh, bugger.

Pomgirl: [To TOBYtoby, struggling to be heard above all the noise] Can you believe these girls? What scrags!

TOBYtoby: [Unable to hear her properly] What?

[The claxons stop ringing in time for everyone to hear Pomgirl yell:]

Pomgirl: I SAID THEY’RE ALL SCRAGS!

[There is a deathly silence as everyone turns to look at Pomgirl. She stares back at them with pure attitude.]

Pomgirl: Well? What? They are. [She heads back into the kitchen and finds RichardWatts holding his champagne glass in the air, toasting the toaster.]

RichardWatts: To bread. You turn it into toast for me, and I love you for it. [He drinks.]

Pomgirl: I hope you’ve saved enough of that for me.

RichardWatts: Not likely.

[She picks up the bottle and finds that it’s three-quarters empty.]

Pomgirl: [Shocked] How’d you drink so much of it in just a few minutes?

RichardWatts: [Sarcastic] I’m sorry, Your Highness! If I’d realised it was a race, I would have polished off the whole lot for you!

Pomgirl: [Pouring herself a drink] Good thing you didn’t.

[Cut back to the lounge. The Housemates have rekindled their excitement again.]

Sublime-ation: I think we should get a tour of the House!

Mars: Yeah! I want to know where I’ll be sleeping.

Elaine: Arrgh!

Steph: Fair enough. Come with me, ladies.

[But just then, the claxons start ringing once more, and the Housemates all turn back to the Diary Room door, laughing and cheering.]

Gav: I can’t believe we’re getting four Intruders!

Tyson: It’s massive, alright!

TOBYtoby: Do ya reckon this one’ll be a guy?

Magical_M: Knowing my luck, … [Enny enters through the Diary Room door] … nup.

Enny: Hey there! My name’s Enny.

MelbourneGirl: Hi, Enny.

Steph: ‘Enny’ … that’s a lovely name. What is it short for?

Enny: Enny-body’s. [They all laugh.]

[The claxons stop ringing.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh, thank goodness. Those bells drive me crazy.

[Everyone in the lounge is crowding around the four new Intruders and fussing over them.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. [Everyone falls silent.] Housemates, please make your four new Intruders feel welcome.

[The Housemates all cheer.]

Big Blogger: Intruders, welcome to the Big Blogger House. You are very lucky to be entering the House at this late stage in the game. ‘Lucky’; because, just like the already-existing Housemates, you have every chance of winning Big Blogger. Good luck.

[The Housemates applaud and cheer the new Intruders.]

Tyson: Let’s go serve up those drinks.

Steph: Oooh! Yes! The champagne!

[They walk back into the kitchen and discover Pomgirl and RichardWatts downing the last of the champers. They all stand there in the doorway from the lounge, with looks of horror on their faces and their mouths wide open.]

Pomgirl: [Looking up at them in disgust] WHAT??!

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is highly amused at the latest events to have unfolded in the House.]

Feral: Oh boy, I think there might be some very upset people later tonight … and the only way to find out what happens is to tune in this Wednesday night for our weekly wrap-up and eviction show. Naturally, this Wednesday our new Intruders are safe from nominations, but anyone else could be going home. Who will you vote out this week? Tune in again on Wednesday to find out who stays and who goes. I’ve been Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where four new Intruders are in the House, and the end is now in sight. Good night!

[Audience packs up and goes home.]

Mike: [Voice over] This week’s eviction is sure to be a heartbreaking one, because as each week passes, we get more and more attached to the Housemates. Just remember to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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