Big Blogger - Return To The House

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[The audience cheers so loudly, a lung flies into air and lands on the stage. No one claims it, though.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody!

Audience: HELLO, FERAL!

Feral: Hello and welcome to Big Blogger’s SUPER-MEGA-UBER-SUPREMO-TWIST!! That’s right, tonight we’re sending one of our already-evicted Housemates back into the House!

[Audience screams and screams and screams in excitement.]

Feral: You read me correctly; this has never been done before, and it will probably never be done again – certainly not on our show – so you’ve come to the right place for twists and turns galore! We’ve gathered all twelve of our evicted Housemates on the stage behind this curtain [the camera widens to show a giant curtain filling up most of the stage], and we’re going to reveal them in a moment for a brief chat. After we’ve caught up with each of them, I’ll be drawing one of their names out of a hat, and that former Housemate will be re-joining the other contestants inside the House at the end of the show!

[The audience cheers in delight as if this is somehow good news.]

Feral: That’s to keep things fair and random, so don’t even try voting for them or anything.

[The audience is caught trying to vote on their mobile phones. They frown in disappointment and put their phones away.]

Feral: And of course the best thing about all of this is that we haven’t told any of this groundbreaking news to the Housemates who are still in the House – so you can just imagine their reactions when one of the people they nominated and saw being evicted from the House gets thrown back in their midst later this evening!

[The audience laughs. Oh yes, they know only too well how much fun the Housemates’ reactions will be to watch. Hoho.]

Feral: Okay, so without further ado, let’s reveal our former Housemates and say hello! For some of them it’s been quite a while since we’ve spoken. Ninja! Pull back the curtain!

[Audience goes crazy as a Ninja appears at the other end of the curtain and runs towards Feral, bringing the curtain with him. A three-level tiered grandstand is set up behind it, and the evicted Housemates are seated on it, four to a row. As he runs across the length of the stage, the Ninja calls out in his native mating cry, obviously hoping to pick up after the show.]

Ninja: Aiiiiiiiiyayayayayayayabbadabbdoooooo!

[After fully-revealing the former Housemates on their miniature grandstand, the Ninja lets go of the curtain and continues running until he has disappeared into the wings. An almighty crash is heard off-stage, and everyone looks that way and flinches dramatically. A hubcap slowly rolls across the length of the stage, followed – inexplicably – by a tumbleweed.]

Feral: Whoa, that guy’s gotta get off the meds. Anyway, here they are, ladies and gentlemen! Your former Big Blogger Housemates!

[Audience goes even more crazy than before.]

Feral: Let’s go through them in order of eviction … so, first up, we have No Dramas.

[You thought the audience went crazy a second ago? Think again, punk.]

No Dramas: Hi Feral! Long time no see!

Feral: That’s right, welcome back to the Big Blogger stage!

No Dramas: Thank you!

Feral: So tell me, what have you been doing?

No Dramas: Well, since being evicted, lots have people have come up to me on the streets and asked if I’m that girl from Big Blogger.

Feral: Wow! They knew you by name?

No Dramas: No, they thought I was LittleFaerieGirl. [Everyone but No Dramas laughs.] But it was still cool to be recognised.

Feral: I’m sure it was.

No Drama: Kinda recognised …

Feral: Sure. [There is an awkward pause.] Well, our second evictee was a quiet man, about whom we still know very little – mainly because he still has not completed his frickin’ Big Blogger Questionnaire. I speak, of course, of John Surname.

[Audience goes fruity for John Surname.]

John Surname: Hey there, Feral.

Feral: Hi John Surname. I hear you’ve been quite busy since you left the Big Blogger House.

John Surname: That’s right, I wrote, directed and edited a short film.

Feral: Fantastic! What’s it about?

John Surname: It’s all about my feelings of living the Big Blogger experience. It’s called Business Is Business.

Feral: So where can our readers see this film?

John Surname: [Pause while he looks at her incredulously] What are you; kidding? I just gave you the link to it! Have you been drinking?

Feral: Oh, I see. I missed that somehow. Well, I look forward to checking it out and being impressed by how this whole online-reality-TV-show chapter of your life has impacted you.

John Surname: Sure, whatever.

Feral: Okay, our third evictee led a secret double-life for the first week he was in the House – and when his relationship with MelbourneGirl was revealed, it totally failed to rock the House to its very foundations! Please welcome Clokeeeey!

[Audience does its thing for Clokeeeey.]

Clokeeeey: Hello, Feral. Hi everyone! [He waves at the audience.]

Feral: I’m sure everyone’s dying to know, Clokeeeey … how have you been coping on the outside, watching your fiancée MelbourneGirl inside the House?

Clokeeeey: It’s been great! I’ve been excited to see her whenever I’ve wanted to, and the ability to just turn her off if I want, or hit the mute button is a novelty I could get very used to!

[The men in the audience laugh knowingly, while the women react scornfully; MG’s clearly not going to like this!]

Feral: Whoa, okay. Moving on … Our fourth evictee has actually been able to carry on a sort of life inside the House – despite him not having anything to do with it himself – thanks to Tyson’s decision to use this person’s name in his farewell message as each Housemate got evicted. I speak, of course, of Javatari!

[Audience claps for Javatari, who waves at them respectfully.]

Javatari: Greetings once again, Feral.

Feral: Well, I have to ask you; how did you feel about Tyson using your name in vain for so many weeks in a row?

Javatari: I found it quite complimentary, actually. Clearly he has been harbouring feelings for me that even he did not realise he had. [We see a quick shot of Tyson looking wide-eyed with shock.]

Feral: I’m not sure if that was it, actually …

Javatari: [Completely deadpan] I was but kidding, Feral. Could you not tell?

[There is a pause. Clearly the answer is no. Clearly the answer from anyone would have been no. “Master of Mayhem”, Javatari is not.]

Feral: Nice work, then. Um. Right. Let’s speak to the first former Housemate on the next row … LittleFaerieGirl!

[Audience whoops for joy.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Hey there.

Feral: So what have you been up to since leaving the Big Blogger House?

LittleFaerieGirl: Well, it’s been fantastic! The best fun I’ve ever had in my life! A couple of us started up our own share house, and we’ve just been having the best fun as roomies! We call the house the “We All Rule So Suck A Fart Everybody Else” house. Or just “WARSSAFEE” for short.

Feral: That sounds … er … remarkable! So who’s living in the WARSSAFEE house?

LittleFaerieGirl: Me and Dxxxx and Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tammiodo.

Feral: How lovely! Well tell me, Audrey & The Bad Apples, how is this new living arrangement working out for you?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Well, … [Audience nearly misses its cue, but jumps in at the last second and cheers for Audrey & The Bad Apples.] … thanks. I’m really enjoying it. It’s just us girls, so there’s no fighting or backstabbing or bitching or anything. It’s like heaven!

Feral: Right. Because that’s what a group of girls is known for. Not bitching.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Looking at Feral askance] Aren’t you a Women’s Libber?

Feral: Ahem. Who’s next in line? Ah, it’s Dxxxx.

[Audience goes nutso for Dxxxx. She’s their favourite women with four Xs in her name.]

Dxxxx: Hi Feral! How you going?

Feral: I’m well, thank you. So how has your life changed since entering the Big Blogger House?

Dxxxx: Well, things have been moving a lot faster for me, that’s for sure! Being on the show was just phenomenal, and ever since the girls let me move in to the WARSSAFEE house, my life’s just been one long party.

Feral: That sounds like fun!

Dxxxx: Yeah, but I dread what the hangover’s gonna be like!

Feral: Good point. What goes up, etc.

Dxxxx: [Confused] “What goes up”? Are you asking me what goes up? I dunno; … elevators?

[Feral is unsure whether or not Dxxxx is serious, so she decides to ignore her altogether and move on.]

Feral: And now to the fourth of our new WARSSAFEE housemates, Tammiodo.

[Everyone in the audience lights a candle for Tammiodo and waves it over their heads.]

Tammiodo: I'm so excited! When I was evicted, I basically predicted that this might happen! I hope that means it's me who gets to go back inside!

Feral: Well, don't get too expectant. Nothing's been decided yet. Anyway, we read where you predicted this twist, so we had to pretend that it was the furthest thing from our minds. Because it was all mapped out at the start of the season, and we didn't want you spoiling things for us by blabbing your ideas out there to the rest of the world.

Tammiodo: [Sheepish] Oh. Sorry. [There is an awkward pause, during which Tammiodo clearly feels like she's been reprimanded by an angry school teacher. But it passes when Feral smiles again and beams happy thoughts at her.]

Feral: No problem. It was either pretend it was the furthest thing from our minds or knee-cap you. We put it to a vote but I was over-ruled, ... and here we are.

[The audience laughs, but they're not sure if Feral should be under psychiatric observation. Surely it wouldn't hurt ...]

Feral: Anyway, tell me this, Tammiodo: What was it like being the last in a long line of girls to get evicted from the Big Blogger House?

Tammiodo: Well, at first I didn’t think much about it, but then when someone brought it to my attention afterwards, I wondered if maybe the Australian reading public was being sexist. But the next three people to get evicted after me were all male, so I guess that wasn’t it.

Feral: Good observation! And that brings us neatly to Tyson.

[Audience slaps each other on the back in true ‘blokey’ fashion.]

Tyson: Hi, wassup?

Dxxxx: Elevators!

[The audience laughs, but Dxxxx doesn’t understand any of this anymore.]

Feral: You haven’t been out of the House for very long yet, so what’s the strangest thing you’ve discovered since being evicted?

Tyson: Definitely all the changes in the news and stuff. Droughts, wars, famines, and so on. The fact that Yasmin’s Getting Married didn’t seem to last very long. And John Howard is still Prime Minister, which is probably the thing that surprised me the most.

Feral: You were only in there seven weeks.

Tyson: Really? Gee, it felt like a lot longer …

Feral: And that brings us to our final three former Housemates, starting with evictee number ten, TOBYtoby.

[Audience hoots and hollers for TOBYtoby.]

Feral: How goes it, Tobes?

TOBYtoby: Pretty good, pretty good.

Feral: Tell me the single most amazing thing that’s happened to you in the very short time you’ve been out of the House.

TOBYtoby: Definitely learning that Steve Irwin, Peter Brock and that Sally what’s-her-name, James Brayshaw’s sister, had actually died. I didn’t see that coming.

Feral: No? Well, the joke’s on you!! They’re really dead! Ha!! [After a second, she realises how poor her response actually is, and immediately clears her throat.] Ahem. Sorry about that.

TOBYtoby: No problem.

Feral: Next we have everyone’s favourite knob-gobbler …

RichardWatts: HEY!!

Feral: [Not letting him break her stride] … RichardWatts!

[The audience gives RichardWatts three cheers, for he’s a jolly good fellow.]

Feral: If you could have one wish, RichardWatts, would it be that you could re-enter the House tonight?

RichardWatts: [Angry] No, it’d be that everyone stopped talking about my sexuality like it was some kind of ‘angle’ or the only dimension to my character!

Feral: Sure, whatever. And last but certainly least, it’s the “sut from the sluburbs”, Steph!

[Everyone in the audience throws Steph their phone number on a small piece of paper.]

Steph: Hi everyone. Oooh, thanks. I’ll pick those up later.

Feral: Well, I’m sure it’s been a real whirlwind of a few days for you, Steph, so tell me: What would you give to go back inside the House?

Steph: I was thinking about this just this morning, when you told me you were going to ask me that question tonight, and I’ve got to say that I don’t think I want to go back into the House.

Feral: [Surprised] Really?!?

Steph: Yeah, it’s kind of like a madhouse in there. Plus, everyone’s racking up so many fines that we don’t even know how much prize money’s left. It’s just not worth all the hassle.

Feral: Oh. Okay. Well, I guess that’ll teach me for giving the dumb blonde an extra twelve hours to prepare her answer!

Steph: [Missing the insult] Sure will! [She is beaming. She thinks Feral just complimented her intelligence … which, by definition, I guess she did.]

Feral: Okay, well that’s all of them, folks. [To the former Housemates:] Thank you all for coming back tonight and waiting to see which of you will be selected to return to the House. What’s going to happen now is I’m gonna check that you’re aware of what this involves, and then I’m literally going to draw a name out of a hat and that will determine which of you rejoins the competition.

[The former Housemates nod politely.]

Feral: Here are the rules: The former Housemate whose name I draw out of the hat will be sent straight back into the House this evening. That former Housemate will no longer be a ‘former Housemate’. They will instead be referred to simply as ‘a Housemate’ once again. They will have all the rights and privileges of being a Housemate bestowed upon them once again. There will be no grace period. The former Housemate who returns to the House tonight will be eligible for nominations and eviction this coming Wednesday, and they will also be required to place nomination points against their fellow Housemates for the eviction this coming Wednesday. The former Housemates who returns to the House tonight is still eligible to win Big Blogger, and the remaining prize money. You may not discuss anything that has happened outside the House since Big Blogger started. You are subject to the same confidentiality rules by which Intruders are bound. You have all packed your suitcases again, so as soon as a name is called out, that former Housemate will immediately grab their bag, head off stage, and be escorted back into the Big Blogger House without delay. Are there any questions?

[The former Housemates shake their heads. Almost all of them look excited.]

Feral: Okay. Well, then … without further ado, it’s time to read out someone’s name and throw them back into the melting pot of this amazing experiment! Can I have the hat of names, please!

[A Ninja hobbles out on to stage on a pair of crutches. He has a neck brace on, and various limbs in plaster. Between his teeth he is biting the brim of an upside-down hat, filled with twelve little pieces of paper. On each piece is written the name of a different former Housemate. I’m sure you know the drill.]

Feral: [Taking the hat] Thank you. [She turns to face the former Housemates.] Are you ready?

Former Housemates: Yes / sure / as ready as we’ll ever be / yep / yes Feral / etc.

Feral: Okay, drum roll, please. [A drum roll starts and plays underneath her softly, building the tension of the moment. Whose life is about to change? This is a very momentous occasion. Feral uses one hand to lift the hat above her head, then reaches her other hand inside the hat and removes one folded piece of paper. She puts the hat down, opens the piece of paper, and reads it to herself. She looks up and smiles at all twelve former Housemates. She is giving nothing away.] This is fun!

[The audience laughs weakly at the way she’s drawing out the tension. It’s unbearable, and they don’t really appreciate it. But they’re scared of her temper, so they play nice.]

Feral: The former Housemate – who is now simply a ‘Housemate’ again, and able to play on for the remaining prize money – is … [the camera pans across all twelve expectant faces of the former Housemates] … Javatari!

[The drum roll stops and the band suddenly plays a hearty piece of triumphant music as streamers fly through the air, canons go off, balloons are released from the ceiling, and the audience screams for joy for all mankind.]

Javatari: I’m back, baby. [He clicks his fingers and disappears from the top row of the grandstand, re-appearing on the stage next to Feral in a small puff of smoke. The audience gasps and the music finishes so Feral can talk to him.]

Feral: Congratulations, Javatari. How does it feel to be re-entering the House?

Javatari: It feels great. I always knew I was destined for greater things, and being evicted when I was just didn’t feel right.

Feral: Well, your Big Blogger journey isn’t over yet. You get to jump back on board this roller-coaster ride just as it starts to wind down!

Javatari: [To the other former Housemates] Suck a fart indeed.

Feral: So you realise you can’t mention the remaining prize money or how much time there is left of Big Blogger to the other Housemates once you’re back in there?

Javatari: Sure. I can manage that.

Feral: Well, grab your bag and we’ll send you off to enter the House right now.

Javatari: Thank you, Feral. [He turns to the audience.] Thank you, everyone. [He turns to the former Housemates.] See you later, suckers.

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Javatari: Oh, stick it. [He turns, waves once more to the audience – an action that releases a lot of golden glitter from somewhere up his sleeve – and exits the stage to the waiting arms of the injured Ninja.]

Feral: Well, while Javatari’s being escorted down to the House, I have just enough time to thank our other former Housemates and explain what happens on Big Blogger from here. [She turns to face the eleven evictees on the grandstand.] First, my thanks to each of you for coming back on the show tonight. It was great to see you, and we look forward to catching up with each of you again in the finale! Take care! [She pulls a lever next to her, and the grandstand – complete with eleven startled former Housemates – falls through a trapdoor in the stage floor, landing with a giant splash in the underground sewers of InYourDreamWorld. Feral turns calmly back to the camera.] And now let me tell you what’s going to happen next on Big Blogger. Next Wednesday we’ll have our next normal eviction, and as I explained to Javatari, he’s just as eligible for nomination and eviction as anyone else in the House is. So someone will be evicted next Wednesday, but that will still leave us with eight Housemates, and only one week left to determine our winner! So how will it all unfold? Well, in another first for Big Blogger, the week following Wednesday’s normal eviction will feature an eviction a day! That’s right, starting on the Friday, we’re going to have mini-episode each evening and evict a new Housemate each night until we’re left with the final three Housemates for the series finale the following Wednesday! That means the Big Blogger episodes for the rest of the series are as follows:

[Feral points to a large TV screen which has been lowered down behind her, showing a detailed summary of the remaining BB episodes in flowchart format.]

Feral: Next Wednesday will be a normal eviction. Thursday will be our day off for the network’s TGYH post. Friday will see a surprise eviction, Saturday will see a surprise eviction. Sunday will see a surprise eviction. Monday will be another day off for the network’s Australian Idol post. Tuesday will see a surprise eviction. Wednesday will see our last surprise eviction. Thursday will be our final day off for the network’s next TGYH post. And then Friday will be the finale episode, where the winner and the two runners-up will be announced. After that, there will be no more Big Blogger.

[There is a quick shot of the audience, none of whom appear to have followed that.]

Feral: [Sensing everyone’s confusion] Ah, just keep a close eye on the Big Blogger index in the sidebar to the right. That’s the only way to know if there’s been a recent addition to the episode list. [She places her finger to her ear, but not in an offensive way.] And now, Big Blogger is telling me that Javatari is about to re-enter the House. Let’s pop down there straight away to watch the fall-out it causes with the other Housemates!

[Cut to the House, where the Housemates are lying on their beds in the bedroom, talking about nothing in particular.]

Magical_M: I want to know how you keep avoiding nominations, MG.

MelbourneGirl: So do I! I’d love to know what I’m doing right so I can keep doing it!

Magical_M: I reckon it’s because you keep making everyone cups of tea.

MelbourneGirl: Cups of … ?? That must be the single most <BEEP>in’ stupid theory I’ve ever heard!

Magical_M: Steady on! It’s just a theory! …

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates. Big Blogger has a surprise for you. [The Housemates get excited.] You may not like it. [They deflate.] Or you may. [They get excited again.] But you probably won’t. [They deflate again.] I’m betting you won’t. [They deflate even more.] In fact, I expect some tears. [They continue to deflate. Gav falls onto the floor.] Big Blogger has decided to reinvigorate the declining Housemate numbers.

[Elaine and Sublime-ation look at each other in confusion. Pomgirl is frowning at the ceiling.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. Prepare to welcome back into your midst … one of your former Housemates.

[The Housemates jump to their feet and squeal in excitement.]

Big Blogger: Former Housemate, you may enter the House now.

[The Housemates run, still squealing, from the bedroom to the lounge. The Diary Room door opens and they stand in silence for a moment, watching the empty doorway. The suspenders are killing me.]

Sublime-ation: Please be Tyson, please be Tyson, please be Tyson!

MelbourneGirl: Please be Clokeeeey, please be Clokeeeey, please be Clokeeeey!

Pomgirl: Please be TOBYtoby, please be TOBYtoby, please be TOBYtoby!

Mars: Please have chocolate, please have chocolate, please have chocolate!

[Javatari walks calmly into the room, wraps his cape around his shoulders, and announces in a commanding voice:]

Javatari: Shazam! I have returned.

Magical: [Delighted] Javatari! Ooooh! [She runs up and hugs him.]

[The Housemates surround Javatari and both congratulate and welcome him into the House. They bombard him with questions for a moment that he cannot answer.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. [They all fall silent.] Javatari is a fellow Housemate once again. He is not a ‘former Housemate’, and he will have no grace period. For this week’s aviction, he is eligible for nomination, and he is required to cast votes against two of you. Remember: Each of you is still able to walk away with the Big Blogger prize money. And that now includes Javatari. That is all.

[In the silence that follows, the Housemates size up their new competition. Javatari glows with his newfound feelings of superiority.]

Javatari: I feel the power welling up within me.

Enny: Are you going to perform a magic trick?

Javatari: Something like that. [He extends his left hand towards her.] Here, pull my finger.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage. The audience is crying in happiness. They can’t believe the twists and turns this show has brought them. They really, really hope someone gets an award for this.]

Feral: Well, that looks set to explode, if you’ll pardon the pun.

[The audience stares at her, severely unamused. There’s always one.]

Feral: Ahem. Okay. Well, as I said before, there’s only two and a bit weeks left of this show, so make sure you don’t miss a minute of it. I’ll see you on Wednesday, for our final weekly wrap-up and ‘normal’ eviction. I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where we have so much spare time on our hands, that now we’re throwing people back into the House! Good night!

[Audience moons the camera.]

Mike: [Voice over] I can’t believe they keep stringing this show out for more and more episodes! Hasn’t Big Blogger’s Executive Producer got a new baby on the way?!! Ah well, whatever. It’s his funeral. Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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