Big Blogger - Week 6

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience gets down; gets down; gets up and gets up and gets down as Feral walks out onto the stage.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – Week 6. Can you believe it? This week we have officially passed the halfway mark of Big Blogger.

[Audience goes ‘Wooooh!’. Feral turns to face another camera, drops her voice two octaves, and speaks to the reading public like it’s a bunch of tossers.]

Feral: That’s right, tonight is the end of Week 6, and that means there are only 4 weeks left to go. So how will it all end? What surprises does Big Blogger have in store for us all? You’ll just have to keep reading to find out! What I can tell you is that this weekend we have another SPECIAL EDITION episode, which is guaranteed to change the dynamics of the House considerably! Make sure you pop back to read the amazing details of this weekend’s bonus episode. But I’ll be telling you more on that later in the show. First, we have to take a look at the past week in the House, we have to catch up with last week’s incredible Evictee, and we have to evict someone else from this amazing experience we like to call Big Blogger.

[Audience starts to whoop and chant.]

Feral: Okay, but before we get into any of that, let’s take a look at how the House coped last week after Dxxxx’s shock eviction.

[Cut to video footage of the House immediately after Dxxxx was evicted last Wednesday night. The Housemates are still facing the door.]

Steph: [Breaking the silence] Wow. [Pause.] There we go, then. [Pause.]

Gav: [To Tyson] That was very amusing!

Tyson: [Grinning despite himself] Yeah. [They snigger.]

RichardWatts: [Annoyed] Are you guys laughing?

Gav: Yeah …

Tyson: Not at Dxxxx getting evicted …

Gav: No, no! Not at that.

RichardWatts: What, then?

Gav: Tyson keeps calling everyone Javatari when they get evicted, so …

[Pause. RichardWatts seems barely able to control his temper. The boys can’t stop giggling and are making the matter worse.]

RichardWatts: I don’t see what’s so funny about that.

Tyson: Nah, it’s just … don’t worry about it, man. It’s nothing, really.

RichardWatts: Some people are finding it hard to accept Dxxxx’s eviction, ya know?

Gav: [Sobering up] Yeah, I know man. Sorry.

Tyson: No disrespect, RichardWatts, I promise.

[RichardWatts glares at them and walks away. Gav and Tyson look down uncomfortably at their feet as they shift from one leg to the other in a long, drawn-out, embarrassed silence.]

[Magical_M and MelbourneGirl are in the kitchen.]

Magical_M: Hey, at least she’ll be able to catch up with LittleFaerieGirl now, won’t she!

MelbourneGirl: Yeah, that’s true. Ahh, that’ll be lovely for them. How sweet. What a great couple.

Magical_M: Yeah.

[Cut to later, when all the Housemates are enjoying their weekly spa in their evicted Housemates’ honour.]

Pomgirl: So you guys do this every week?

Steph: Yeah, to remember the Housemate who got kicked out.

Pomgirl: That’s very civilised.

TOBYtoby: [Who has his arm around Pomgirl] Why? What did you guys used to do in the UK version after someone was evicted?

Pomgirl: Generally we used to go through their suitcase and see if there was anything worth snatching before Big Blogger told us to bring it to the Diary Room.

TOBYtoby: Oh. That’s pretty mean.

Pomgirl: I thought you were the mean one around here!

TOBYtoby: Nah, I’m not like that normally; that was just the Insider thing I was forced into. I’m actually a really nice guy! That’s probably why I sucked so much at being the Insider.

Everyone except Pomgirl and TOBYtoby: Yeah. [They all laugh.]

TOBYtoby: Did I suck that much?

Gav: Absolutely, dude!

Magical_M: You got everything wrong!

TOBYtoby: I got some things right! Well, two things.

MelbourneGirl: At the cost of us getting our party last Friday.

TOBYtoby: Yeah, sorry about that.

[The spa falls silent as the Housemates contemplate TOBYtoby and his Insider dealings.]

[Cut back to Feral in the studio. The audience is laughing for no apparent reason.]

Feral: Oh boy, it doesn’t look very good for TOBYtoby and nominations this week! But right now we’re going to catch up with last week’s evictee. Please put your hands together for Dxxxx!

[The audience goes bananas, which means they start charging each other $139.55 a kilo. Dxxxx enters, waving and smiling.]

Dxxxx: Hi Feral.

Feral: Hi, Dxxxx. How are you?

Dxxxx: I’m fantastic! This has been such a rush!

Feral: So tell me; you entered the House as an Intruder; were you surprised to be evicted so soon?

Dxxxx: Not really, Feral. I knew that the public was probably going to be more supportive of the original Housemates, so …

Feral: Did you feel that you had a chance to prove yourself in the House?

Dxxxx: Yeah, absolutely. I had a fantastic time in there and it really is a lot more enjoyable than you realise when you’re reading it.

Feral: Who were your favourite people in there?

Dxxxx: Oh, definitely LittleFaerieGirl and RichardWatts. We had a lot of fun together!

[The audience cheers for Team Fag Dag.]

Feral: And this is the question everyone’s been dying to know: Have you caught up with LittleFaerieGirl since leaving the Big Blogger House?

Dxxxx: Um … [goes all shy and starts to blush] … yeah, she called me and we chatted …

[The audience w00ts suggestively.]

Feral: And??

Dxxxx: And, um, we’re gonna catch up next week sometime. For a chat. So that’ll be nice.

Feral: I’m sure it will! [Audience laughs like it knows what Feral means. Maybe it does. I certainly don’t, though.]

Dxxxx: I hope it’ll be fun, that’s all. A chat to see where we are and what we’re gonna do from here, if anything.

Feral: Fair enough, I understand. Well, it’s been great getting to know you, and I wish you all the best for the future.

Dxxxx: Thanks, Feral.

Feral: Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Dxxxx!

[Audience cheers for Dxxxx as she makes her way off stage.]

Feral: Alright, now we’re going to head back to the House and see what happened during the rest of the week.

[Cut to footage of the Housemates eating breakfast on Thursday morning.]

Feral: [Voice over] It’s 10:02am, and the Housemates have been out of bed for over an hour. They were most excited to do the morning’s shopping to replace all of their ‘lost food’ from last week after Friday Night Live, and every single Housemate was involved in the shopping spree. Even so, Pomgirl is so far the only Housemate to have said a word to TOBYtoby.

[TOBYtoby and Pomgirl are seated separately to everyone else and are talking quietly to each other.]

Pomgirl: Do you think they’re being childish?

TOBYtoby: Who?

Pomgirl: [Indicating the other Housemates] Them.

TOBYtoby: [Shrugs] I dunno. Maybe they have a right to be pissed off with me. I had to work against them at every turn, basically.

Pomgirl: But you said it wasn’t your fault.

TOBYtoby: Yeah, but you know how it pisses people off anyway. Didn’t you have an Insider in the UK version?

Pomgirl: No. I’d never heard of it before I came here.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. TOBYtoby, Pomgirl, for discussing a previous version of Big Blogger, that’s a five thousand dollar fine each.

Pomgirl: [Shouting at the ceiling] But we talked about it last night in the spa and you didn’t say anything! That’s not fair!!

[Pause]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Pomgirl, for discussing a previous version of Big Blogger last night in the spa, that’s an additional five thousand dollar fine.

MelbourneGirl: [Calling out from the table] Good one, Pomgirl!

Pomgirl: That’s not fair at all, Big Spacka!

TOBYtoby: Don’t call him that!

MelbourneGirl: Stop talking, Pomgirl!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Pomgirl, for calling Big Blogger ‘Big Spacka’, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

Pomgirl: Hmph. I’m gonna go have a shower.

MelbourneGirl: Please do.

[Pomgirl marches out of the room in a huff, leaving TOBYtoby to feel conspicuous and even more alienated on his own. The camera cuts to where the others are sitting together at the table.]

Tammiodo: Do you think Pomgirl’s the right person for TOBYtoby?

Tyson: Sure. Why not.

Steph: They deserve each other.

Magical_M: A match made in hell.

RichardWatts: Why, Tammiodo? Did you have someone else in mind for him?

[She looks up at him sharply, almost panicked, but then realises he’s just teasing her.]

Tammiodo: Ha. Um, no. No reason, I’m just wondering.

[Pomgirl walks from the bedroom to the bathroom, still in a huff. Tammiodo narrows her eyes and watches her suspiciously.]

[Cut to later in the day. Tammiodo is sitting in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Tammiodo.

Tammiodo: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: What is the state of the House like at the moment?

Tammiodo: [Confused by the question] The state??

Big Blogger: The relationships, the mood, the atmosphere.

Tammiodo: Oh. Right. Um, I guess it’s okay. [Pause] Nah, it’s pretty crap, actually.

Big Blogger: Why is it pretty crap?

Tammiodo: Oh, just a few personalities in the House that are all trying to be ‘top dog’, you know.

Big Blogger: Who is trying to be ‘top dog’?

Tammiodo: Pomgirl, for one. And probably TOBYtoby. I dunno, ever since we found out he was this Insider thing, I haven’t been able to trust him.

Big Blogger: But he became the Insider before you even went into lockdown. Surely you were aware all along that he was the Insider?

Tammiodo: I don’t read the show! I’ve never been interested in it before now.

[There is an awkward pause.]

Tammiodo: I mean … it’s really good, and everything …

[The awkward pause continues.]

Tammiodo: I’m sure heaps of people read it …

[There is a muffled noise from the speaker in the Diary Room.]

Tammiodo: Big Blogger – are you crying?

Big Blogger: No. [But it’s clear that he is.]

Tammiodo: Um, sorry, dude. I didn’t mean to upset yo—

Big Blogger: Tammiodo. For calling Big Blogger ‘dude’, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

Tammiodo: Hmm. You almost sounded snippy, there. Sorry if I offended you.

Big Blogger: Is there anything else?

Tammiodo: Hey – you called me in here, remember?

Big Blogger: Um, yes.

Tammiodo: So is there anything else?

Big Blogger: No.

Tammiodo: That is all.

[We watch Tammiodo exit the Diary Room. Magical_M, Steph, Gav and Tyson are seated on the lounge together.]

Steph: What’d he want?

Tammiodo: [Airily trying to avoid the question and save Big Blogger some embarrassment] Oh, nothing. [She walks outside.]

Magical_M: [Getting up to go after her] He probably just wanted to talk to her about how beautiful I am! [She smiles at them and follows Tammiodo outside. The others scowl at her retreating back.]

Tyson: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Steph: That’s beginning to get really old.

Gav: You kidding? I’ve been sick of it since day one.

Steph: Well, I mean she is beautiful.

Tyson: She’s a knockout! But she keeps going on about it!

Steph: It’s sad, really. [Pause] Do you think she’s beautiful, Gav?

Gav: [It’s deer-caught-in-the-headlights time] Ahh, let me think about it. Um, no.

Steph: No? Crap!

Gav: Yes?

Steph: [Angry] Yes?!!

Gav: [Sighs] Is there a correct answer, there?

Steph: Telling me I was so much more beautiful would have been nice!

Tyson: Ha ha, man, you’re gone!

Gav: Oh, trick question!

Steph: You pig. I’m not talking to you for the rest of the day. [She leaves]

Gav: [To Tyson] So now who’s talking about their own beauty too much?!

Steph: [Calling from outside] I heard that!

Feral: [Voice over] The next night, all Housemates were ready to play Friday Night Live, and after a week of no prizes, they were excited to be in the running again for the Rewards Room.

[Cut to the bedroom, where all the Housemates are dressed up as crocodiles and wearing bike helmets.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, welcome to Friday Night Live. The theme for this Friday Night Live is … Crocodile Hunted. This week the games will be held in memory of Steve Irwin.

[The Housemates react with surprise and shock at this news.]

Steph: Did Steve Irwin die?

Tammiodo: Whoa!

TOBYtoby: Nah, it’s a trick. I don’t believe it.

Pomgirl: Who’s Steve Irwin?

MelbourneGirl: When did that happen, Big Blogger?

[But Big Blogger ignores the question, leaving the Housemates unsure as to whether or not they should believe him. While we hear Big Blogger continue, we are shown various clips of the Housemates competing in games and tasks involving giant crocodile-related props, unknown messy substances, and a trophy at the end for the winner.]

Big Blogger: Housemates will begin in teams, but there will be only one winner. The last remaining Housemate will win four prizes; the Friday Night Live trophy, the right to affect nominations, two nights in the Rewards Room with a Housemate of your choice, and the three boxes. Housemates, prepare to snap. Pomgirl, MelbourneGirl, Gav … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare to bite. Tammiodo, Steph, Tyson … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare to chomp. RichardWatts, TOBYtoby, Magical_M … you are about to compete in the final of tonight’s games. The winner will be the Housemate who can swim across the lake to the children’s party on the other side and drag as many children into the river as you can. You may only drag one child into the slime at a time. Prepare to chow down on the children. TOBYtoby, you are the winner of Friday Night Live. Congratulations. Approach the winner’s podium and collect your trophy. Losing Housemates, celebrate your champion.

TOBYtoby: Good on me! [Laughs as everyone surrounds him. He holds his trophy – a miniature golden crocodile on a block of wood – above his head.]

[Cut to footage of the Friday Night Live desk.]

Mike: How funny; last week he prevented the other Housemates from getting their reward, and now this week he’s done it again by winning!

Whee Um-ah: I wonder how the other Housemates will take it!

Mike: It’s pretty obvious who he’s going to take into the Rewards Room with him, wouldn’t you say, Ditzy?

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: Ah, it’ll eiva be Audrey & The Bad Apples or John Surname, I reckon.

Mike: Well, you’re an idiot, aren’t you. I’m pretty sure it’ll be Pomgirl.

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: Wot?

Mike: [Ignoring him] Let’s pop down to the House and find out!

[Cut to TOBYtoby in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, who do you choose to take to the Rewards Room, and why?

TOBYtoby: I’m gonna take Pomgirl with me, Big Blogger. She’s the only one who’s being civil to me since the Insider thing was revealed.

[Cut to TOBYtoby facing the seated Housemates in the lounge.]

TOBYtoby: Because we’ve gotten along so well since she arrived in the House [we see a quick shot of Tammiodo looking hopeful and happy to be selected], and because she hasn’t been in there before, I’ve chosen Pomgirl.

[Pomgirl squeals in delight, jumps up and hugs TOBYtoby. Tammiodo, meanwhile, looks absolutely gutted.]

[Cut to TOBYtoby and Pomgirl in the Rewards Room, facing the three boxes.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, which box do you choose?

TOBYtoby: Box number two, thanks.

Big Blogger: You may open box number two now.

[He does so.]

TOBYtoby: [Reading off a card] “You have won a pet goldfish in a plastic bag filled with water.”

Pomgirl: Seriously? What a crappy prize!

TOBYtoby: They’re all like that, apparently. I don’t think any of us are destined to win the real prize.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, the pet goldfish is yours to keep.

TOBYtoby: [Flatly] Great.

Big Blogger: However, there is bad news. The goldfish is dead. It died this afternoon after we bought it. The guy at the pet shop said we couldn’t return it.

TOBYtoby: [Sighs] Okay.

Pomgirl: That’s ridiculous.

Big Blogger: You may check the other boxes now.

TOBYtoby: [Opening box one and reading off a card] “You have won a Harley Davidson motorcycle valued at over $35,000.” Dammit!

Pomgirl: You’d look cool on a motorbike.

TOBYtoby: [Opening box three and reading off a card] “You have won an all-expenses-paid overseas trip to the country of your choice.”

Pomgirl: Oh, you could have come to England to visit me!

TOBYtoby: I don’t want to think about the prizes I didn’t win. I’m just going to enjoy my dead goldfish.

[The audience laughs at this.]

Feral: [Voice over] Later, the weekend brought its own brand of fun, when Big Blogger announced that the Housemates were going to be joined for the evening by a special guest.

[Cut to the Housemates all standing in the lounge, facing the Diary Room door and chatting with excitement. They are smiling and happy and thrilled to be about to greet someone new into their lives.

Big Blogger: Housemates, please make your special guest for the evening feel welcome; it’s Stephen Hawking!

[Stephen Hawking wheels himself into the room in his wheelchair. The Housemates’ expressions drop immediately. It is clear that not only are they very disappointed and unimpressed with their special guest, but they also have no idea who he is. All except TOBYtoby.]

TOBYtoby: Stephen Hawking! I know you! You’re the guy in the wheelchair from Futurama!

Stephen: “THAT-IS-NOT-ALL-I-AM-KNOWN-FOR”

Steph: Whoa, what’s wrong with his voice?

TOBYtoby: Oh, that’s right – you were also on The Simpsons, weren’t you.

Stephen: “YOU-DO-NOT-APPEAR-TO-KNOW-WHO-I-AM-AT-ALL”

Pomgirl: Is he some kind of robot?

Stephen: “I-ASSURE-YOU-I-AM-NOT-A-ROBOT”

Big Blogger: Housemates, Stephen Hawking is regarded by many to be the world’s greatest living scientist.

Stephen: “WELL-I-WOULDN’T-GO-THAT-FAR … MAYBE-THE-WORLD’S-GREATEST-LIVING-THEORETICAL-PHYSICIST-WOULD-SUFFICE”

Gav: Hey, that voice thing is cool! Can I try it?

Stephen: “NO”

Tyson: C’mon, man. I want a go, too. That sounds awesome. [Imitating the sound of Stephen’s voice box] “Exterminate! Exterminate!”

Magical_M: Ha ha, “The exits are located here, here and here.”

RichardWatts: “Danger, Will Robinson!”

Stephen: “THAT-IS-ENOUGH-OF-THAT … YOU-PEOPLE-OUGHT-TO-BE-ASHAMED-OF-YOURSELVES”

[The Housemates fall silent in shame. Pause.]

Tammiodo: “That is enough of that! You people ought to be ashamed of yourselves!”

[The Housemates fall about in laughter at Tammiodo’s excellent impression of Stephen Hawking’s computerised voice. Stephen simply rolls his eyes.]

[Cut to five minutes later. The Housemates are all seated around the lounge in a semi-circle, facing Stephen Hawking. Next to his wheelchair, Stephen is looking into a computer screen that the Housemates cannot see from where they’re seated.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, Big Blogger has arranged a surprise for you. Congratulations. Each of you has proven yourself worthy of being a marketable part of the Big Blogger franchise. And as is the case with any consumer product, Big Blogger has decided to brand each of you with your own unique slogan for advertising purposes.

[The Housemates go ‘Ooooh’ and ‘Ahhhh’ to each other, wide-eyed.]

Big Brother: As such, Big Blogger has created a website that will randomly generate an advertising slogan for each of you, including your own name.

[The Housemates laugh and cheer at this.]

Big Blogger: Big Blogger has invited Stephen Hawking along so he can read out each slogan in his computer-sounding voice. The purpose of this is to highlight the computer-generated nature of your slogan.

Stephen: “HANG-ON … YOU-NEVER-TOLD-ME-YOU-WERE-ONLY-USING-ME-FOR-THE-SOUND-OF-MY-VOICE!”

Big Blogger: [Ignoring Stephen’s protest] Housemates, one at a time, you will give Stephen your name. The computer will then randomly generate your slogan, and Stephen will read it out in that funny-sounding voice of his. [Stephen is beginning to look mad about this whole enterprise.] Gav, you may begin.

Gav: Alright … Gav.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. Stephen reads from the screen.]

Stephen: “GAV: … THE-OTHER-WHITE-MEAT”

Gav: Ahaha! That just about sums me up nicely, yes! [The Housemates all laugh.]

Steph: Steph.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. Stephen reads from the screen.]

Stephen: “IT’S-NOT-ALL-STEPH-STEPH-STEPH-YOU-KNOW”

Steph: Shows what you know, cripple! It actually is all “Steph, Steph, Steph”!

Stephen: “I’M-NOT-MAKING-THESE-UP-MYSELF-YOU-KNOW”

Steph: Whatever. [She appears unimpressed.]

Tyson: My turn! Tyson.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. Stephen reads from the screen.]

Stephen: “HAVE-YOU-HAD-YOUR-TYSON-TODAY?”

Tyson: Cooooool.

RichardWatts: I hate to think what this is going to say … RichardWatts.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. Stephen reads from the screen.]

Stephen: “NOTHING-WORKS-BETTER-THAN-A-RICHARDWATTS”

RichardWatts: Ha ha! I actually really like that. Truth in advertising for once!

Magical_M: Magical_M.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. Stephen reads from the screen.]

Stephen: “REACH-OUT-AND-TOUCH-MAGICAL_M”

Magical_M: What? [On either side of her, RichardWatts and MelbourneGirl reach out and touch her.] Hey! [She laughs.] Stop that!

MelbourneGirl: MelbourneGirl.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. Stephen reads from the screen.]

Stephen: “STRONG-ENOUGH-FOR-A-MAN … MADE-FOR-A-MELBOURNEGIRL”

MelbourneGirl: Hmm, I’m not sure what that’s saying exactly, but it sounds okay to me. Women power! Rrrrrr!

Tammiodo: Me next! Tammiodo.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. Stephen reads from the screen.]

Stephen: “CHOOSY-MOTHERS-CHOOSE-TAMMIODO”

Tammiodo: Don’t they just! And they’re always very pleased with their decision!

TOBYtoby: TOBYtoby.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. Stephen reads from the screen.]

Stephen: “MAKE-FUN-OF-TOBYTOBY”

[The Housemates all break up into laughter.]

TOBYtoby: I’m not sure I like that one, Stephen.

Stephen: “THEY’RE-NOT-BEING-SELECTED-BY-ME”

TOBYtoby: So you keep saying …

Pomgirl: Okay, I’m the last one. This had better be good, whoever you are.

Stephen: “I’M-STEPHEN-HAWKING … ONLY-THE-GREATEST-SCIENTIST-EVER-TO-HAVE-LIVED!”

MelbourneGirl: I thought you said you were the greatest theoretical physicists alive today?

Stephen: “I-WAS-ONLY-BEING-<BEEP>ING-MODEST-YOU-IDIOTS!”

Pomgirl: Hey, less about you, four-wheels, and more about me. Pomgirl.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. By now, Stephen really doesn’t want anything to do with this whole experience, but he reads from the screen to get it over with.]

Stephen: “PLEASE-DON’T-SQUEEZE-THE-POMGIRL”

[The Housemates all laugh again. Tyson makes squeezing hand motions to her across the room.]

Pomgirl: That’s dirty! I want another one!

Big Blogger: There will be no new slogans. They were generated fairly and randomly.

Magical_M: What about you, Big Blogger? Let’s hear what yours is!

[The Housemates all cheer and beg Big Blogger to give himself a slogan.]

Big Blogger: Very well. Big Blogger.

[The computer in front of Stephen blinks and whirrs for a moment, then a soft affirmative beep is heard. Stephen reads from the screen.]

Stephen: “THE-COOLEST-BIG-BLOGGER-ON-ICE”

Gav: Aw, that’s an ace one!

RichardWatts: Did you cheat, Big Blogger?

Steph: I want that one!

Big Blogger: Big Blogger does not cheat. Big Blogger simply changes the rules.

[The Housemates all groan.]

Big Blogger: Housemates, please say good-bye to your special guest, Stephen Hawking.

Stephen: [As he wheels himself to the Diary Room door] “OH-THANK-<BEEP>-I’M-FINALLY-OUT-OF-HERE”

[The Housemates, oblivious to Stephen Hawking’s utter disgust with them, cheerily wave and farewell him at the door.]

MelbourneGirl: Bye, Mr Hawkins.

Gav: I hope to see your Futurama episode some day.

Tammiodo: See ya later, Stefan.

RichardWatts: Thanks for visiting us, Mr Hawkingson.

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

[Gav and Tyson begin to laugh. And as the door closes behind him, we can almost hear Stephen Hawking begin to curse, … but not quite.]

Feral: [Voice over] Later in the night, Pomgirl is taking a moment to get to know the other Housemates.

[Cut to Pomgirl, RichardWatts, Tyson, Gav, Tammiodo and Steph in the kitchen.]

Gav: … and although he scrubbed and scrubbed, he could never get the stain out!

[The other Housemates double over in laughter … all except for Pomgirl, who frowns in incomprehension.]

Pomgirl: [Yelling to be heard over their laughter] I don’t get it! Someone explain it to me.

Tyson [Wiping away his tears] Ahhh, we can’t explain it to you … it won’t be funny that way.

RichardWatts: That’s about as funny as explaining a Drop Bear.

Steph: Yeah! Ha!

Pomgirl: A what bear?

[There is a moment of silence in the room as each Housemates looks at each other in surprise. Could it be possible they have a tourist in their midst who hasn’t heard of Drop Bears?? … ]

RichardWatts: Um. Ahem. A Drop Bear. You know about Drop Bears, don’t you?

[They are all clearly waiting with baited breath, hanging off her next answer, trying to look nonchalant.]

Pomgirl: Nup. What’s a Drop Bear?

[The other Housemates share a smile and settle in for the fun.]

Tammiodo: It’s a really nasty killer bear, sort of a distant relative of the koala.

Gav: But much nastier.

Tyson: And scarier.

Steph: And bigger. They’re fast buggers, too.

Pomgirl: [Wide-eyed] Really?

RichardWatts: Yep. What they do is drop on your head as you’re walking underneath the tree they’re in, and they pretty much kill you straight away.

Gav: Although most of the time they leave you to die a slow, painful death.

Tyson: They claw your tongue out so you can’t cry for help.

Steph: Eww. Er, yeah. And then they leave you to bleed to death.

Tammiodo: Although sometimes they start eating you before you’re even dead.

Tyson: That’s right. They slice open your stomach and chow down on your intestinal organs while you’re still breathing.

Pomgirl: That’s disgusting! I don’t believe you.

RichardWatts: Oh, it’s true. You find out all about it in Customs on your way into the country. You did pay close attention to that leaflet they gave you, right?

Pomgirl: [Starting to get worried] Um, I don’t remember. Maybe.

RichardWatts: [Sucking air in through his teeth] Ooooh, you’ve gotta read those things carefully, Pomgirl. We’ve got some very real dangers in Australia.

Pomgirl: Yeah, but … that’s only out in the bush, surely!

Tyson: No way. Drop Bears live in built-up areas as well. You can never tell where a Drop Bear has made its home.

[Pomgirl starts to fidget, and looks nervously out the window at the trees overhanging the Big Blogger backyard.]

Pomgirl: So, ah … Are there any ways to keep them away?

Gav: Deterrents? Sure; there are a couple, but you probably wouldn’t be interested …

Pomgirl: [Quickly] Sure I would! I mean … you could just tell me …

Tammiodo: Okay, well although they may make you look a little odd, no one around here thinks anything of it at all. We’re all used to people wearing the usual anti-Drop Bear gear. We don’t need it ourselves because we have a better understanding of what to look out for. But for visitors –

Steph: Especially visitors who didn’t read their Customs handouts properly!

Tammiodo: Especially those … there are a few tips we can let you in on to keep you safe.

[Pomgirl is completely sucked in now, and listens gratefully to what they have to say. Cut to later in the day, around dusk. The Housemates are all sitting around outside on deck chairs. TOBYtoby exits the House for the first time all afternoon and spies Pomgirl across the yard.]

TOBYtoby: What are you wearing?

[Cut to Pomgirl, whose hair is now braided in multiple braids and wrapped in aluminum foil, twisted into the air like a mentally-challenged aerial. She has vegemite on her face as if it was zinc cream, and toothpaste behind her ears. She has her bra on the outside of her t-shirt, and is waving her hands around in the air.]

Pomgirl: I'm keeping the Drop Bears away.

[There is a beat. TOBYtoby glances at the other Housemates. They are watching him. No one is talking. Will he spoil their fun?]

TOBYtoby: [Calmly] Cool. I’m getting a drink. Do you want one?

Pomgirl: Yes please – my arms are killing me! [TOBYtoby turns and walks back inside, smiling slightly to himself. The other Housemates visibly relax. Some of them catch his eye and shoot him a quick smile or a ‘thumbs up’.]

[Cut to later in the evening, dusk has now fallen completely. A line of text appears on screen: “45 minutes later …” Pomgirl is still waving her arms around in the air, although by now they are noticeably more weary.]

MelbourneGirl: I can’t take it anymore. Honey, there’s no such thing as Drop Bears.

[Pomgirl just looks at MelbourneGirl in a moment of incomprehension, but before she can reply, the other Housemates break up into raucous laughter and she realises she’s been duped.]

Pomgirl: Are you serious??

Steph: [Through her belting laughter] Yep!

RichardWatts: It’s something Aussies say to British tourists to get them to act like <BEEP>heads! [They continue to laugh.]

[Pomgirl glances at TOBYtoby and narrows her eyes.]

Pomgirl: And you knew about this?

TOBYtoby: [Smirking] Yeah, I couldn’t say anything. By the time I saw you, you were well-and-truly gone!

Pomgirl: You let me go on like that for an hour without stopping me??

Tyson: Relax, Pomgirl, it’s just a bit of fun.

Pomgirl: FUN??! My arms are killing me! [Tyson and Gav begin to giggle again.] My face and ears are burning because of all this crap on them! [Steph and Tammiodo are losing it now.] And I’m wearing my bra over my top! [RichardWatts and Magical_M lose it.] And just look at my hair!

[Everyone breaks into more hearty laughter. Even MelbourneGirl is catching the giggles from the rest of the group. The only one not laughing is Pomgirl herself, and she’s almost livid.]

Pomgirl: I hate all of you, you filthy <BEEP>s! I can’t stand to look at all your lying faces! I never want to see you <BEEP> <BEEP> <BEEP>ing <BEEP>s again! [She storms off inside the House. The Housemates stop laughing long enough to watch her go, then unanimously break up into more laughter, rolling around on their deck chairs. TOBYtoby falls off his, rolling towards Tyson.]

Tyson: Hey, man – good to have you back on the team! [They all smile.]

[Cut to Pomgirl entering the bedroom, now crying. She sits on her bed for a moment, then gets up and marches around the room, pulling everyone’s linen off their beds and carrying them into the bathroom. She places them on the floor of the communal shower, and once every bed but her own has been stripped, she turns on the water and saturates the whole lot. Leaving the water running, she gets in her own bed and sobs herself to sleep.]

Feral: [Voice over] The other Housemates wouldn’t come inside and discover Pomgirl’s revenge for another two hours, by which point the bathroom had flooded into the bedroom and there were no dry sheets to be found, other than the ones Pomgirl was using. Despite being extremely angry at what she’d done, the other Housemates decided not to fight fire with fire by waking her up. Instead, they went to bed in as many clothes as they could find, in order to keep warm.

[Cut to a night-vision shot of the Housemates trying to sleep on their stripped beds, all tossing and turning in obvious discomfort, apart from Pomgirl, who is sleeping soundly with a smile on her face.]

Feral: [Voice over] The following morning, no one was talking to Pomgirl, but TOBYtoby was finally having the one-on-one chat with Tammiodo that she’d been hoping for all week.

[Cut to TOBYtoby and Tammiodo in the shower. TOBYtoby is wearing a pixilated pair of boxers, while Tammiodo is wearing a blurry bikini top and smudgy shorts.]

Tammiodo: So, um, tell me …

TOBYtoby: Tell you what?

Tammiodo: Why’d you choose Pomgirl to go to the Rewards Room with you?

TOBYtoby: [He seems uncomfortable with the question] Well, you know … for the reason I said. We were getting along well and she hadn’t been in there yet.

[Silence.]

TOBYtoby: Why? You wanted me to pick you?

Tammiodo: Well, I thought we were pretty close.

TOBYtoby: We were! We are. But I guess at that point I really didn’t think I had any other friends in here. Not after I made us lose Friday Night Live the week before.

Tammiodo: Hmm.

TOBYtoby: You can’t say you weren’t mad with me.

Tammiodo: I wasn’t ‘mad’, Tobes. I felt betrayed, perhaps. Ever since Audrey & The Bad Apples left, you and I were best buds – or so I thought.

TOBYtoby: Yeah, absolutely. [He accidentally drops the soap.]

<CENSORED>

Tammiodo: [Shielding her eyes] So, yeah … I felt like you didn’t care anymore.

TOBYtoby: Well, I didn’t want you to feel that way. Sorry.

Tammiodo: [Beginning to smile; maybe everything will work out after all] Cool.

TOBYtoby: But really, you need to learn not to be so possessive. When Pomgirl came in here, I saw her for what she was: A hot piece of crumpet. You? You’re a mate. [He has his back to her and can’t see the hurt and anger flash across her face as he says these words.] And as a guy, I instinctively went with the hottest option. You know, the one most likely to lead to a ‘score’. I see you as a great friend, but not someone I’d ever be with. [He chuckles.] I mean, how weird would that be?! [He turns to look at her, but she is no longer in the room.]

[Cut to the bedroom, where a still-dripping-wet Tammiodo is going absolutely mental. She’s trashing the joint; throwing people’s personal items across the room in a rage, ripping the newly-made linen off the beds, screaming in frustration, crying one minute and laughing maniacally the next … When the room is finally in complete disarray, she stands back, puffing heavily, and admires her handiwork. It looks like a bomb’s gone off. The Housemates, drawn by all the noise, hesitantly open the bedroom door in silence and peer in at the devastation. At the same time, TOBYtoby timidly opens the far door leading from the bathroom and pokes his head into the room.]

TOBYtoby: [Quietly] Whoa. Psycho.

Feral: [Voice over] And in a case of perfect timing, that afternoon saw the Housemates being called to the Diary Room to place their weekly nominations.

[Cut to the lounge. The Housemates are all gathered on the couch.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. This week, Pomgirl is not longer ammune from nomination. You can nominate any Housemate you wish. Housemates. It’s time to nominate. Tyson, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where we see quick flashes of everyone’s nominations.]

Big Blogger: Tyson, who do you nominate for two points for aviction, and why?

Tyson: Um, this week I nominate Pomgirl for two points, Big Blogger.

Steph: Pomgirl.

Pomgirl: Magical_M.

MelbourneGirl: Pomgirl.

Gav: Pomgirl.

Magical_M: Pomgirl.

TOBYtoby: Pomgirl.

Tammiodo: TOBYtoby.

RichardWatts: Pomgirl.

Tyson: I can’t believe the way she behaved last night – it was a completely ridiculous reaction to a harmless joke that was simply in fun.

Pomgirl: I don’t think I can stand living in this House with her anymore. She’s too hottt and I consider it a threat.

Tammiodo: This morning he said some things that really hurt me, and I want him out of the House.

Big Blogger: Who do you nominate for one point for aviction, and why?

Tyson: For one point I nominate Tammiodo.

Steph: Tammiodo.

Pomgirl: Tammiodo.

MelbourneGirl: Tammiodo.

Gav: Tammiodo.

Magical_M: Tammiodo.

TOBYtoby: Tammiodo.

Tammiodo: Pomgirl.

RichardWatts: Tammiodo.

Steph: Did you see the crazy carryings-on in the bedroom earlier today? She went nuts!

Gav: Something about her behaviour today really unsettles me.

RichardWatts: I want to be the last Intruder standing!

[Cut to the lounge. All Housemates are assembled on the couch, awaiting Big Blogger’s first nominations announcement.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. This week's nominated Housemates are: Magical_M … and … Pomgirl … and … TOBYtoby … and … Tammiodo.

[The Housemates react with shock at this news.]

Magical_M: Whatever, dude.

[TOBYtoby looks genuinely pained.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, to the Diary Room. [Tammiodo watches him go with narrowed eyes and vengeful heart.]

[Cut to the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, as winner of Friday Night Live, you will now exercise the most important part of your prize. Who do you wish to deduct three points from, and why.

TOBYtoby: Myself, Big Blogger. As much as I’d love to give the points to one of the three girls – all of whom are ace – I really want to stay in this game now that I’m no longer the Insider and can show the world who I really am.

Big Blogger. Go back to the lounge and say nothing of this to your Housemates.

[Cut back to the lounge. TOBYtoby takes his seat.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The Housemates up for aviction this week are … Magical_M … and … Pomgirl … and … Tammiodo. That is all.

Tammiodo: <BEEP>!

Pomgirl: I’ll say! You’re all a bunch of toffee-nosed wankers, you know that? [She storms out of the room.]

Feral: [Voice over] So TOBYtoby lives to fight another day … but for the third week in a row, tonight we’ll be saying ‘good-bye’ to another female Housemate.

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is cheering like anything, … especially a thing that cheers a lot, because that’s what they’re doing.]

Feral: There you have it; the week that was. I think it’s clear that some tensions are beginning to rise in the House, and people are starting to get on each other’s nerves a little! But who’s gotten on your nerves this week? Who did you vote to save, and who did you vote to evict? Will it be Magical_M? [The audience cheers in support of Magical_M.] Will it be Pomgirl? [The audience cheers in support of Pomgirl.] Or will it be Tammiodo? [The audience cheers in support of Tammiodo.] Well, let’s find out. Down we go to the House for the big announcement.

[Cut to live footage of the Housemates all lined up on the couch, the three in the middle looking more nervous than the others. The audience goes crazy.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Hey, Feral / Hello / Hi / etc.

Feral: How are you all feeling tonight?

Housemates: Good thanks / okay / alright / etc.

Feral: Okay, first, I want to talk to Pomgirl. [Audience cheers for Pomgirl.] You’ve had a rough couple of days, haven’t you!

Pomgirl: I know, it was very hard for me.

Feral: Have you spotted any Drop Bears? [The audience laughs; Pomgirl bristles.]

Pomgirl: Ugh. No, and I won’t be believing anything this lot says to me in future, either. [The other Housemates chuckle.]

Feral: Fair enough – I wouldn’t, either. You certainly had your revenge the next night, though.

Pomgirl: That’s just a taste, Feral. I’m only getting started.

Feral: Uh-oh, them’s fighting words if ever I heard them! Okay, that brings me to Tammiodo. [Audience cheers for Tammiodo.]

Tammiodo: Hi Feral.

Feral: You’re another little firecracker who showed us just what you’re capable of this week!

Tammiodo: Yeah, that wasn’t something I probably would have done, normally. But I guess Pomgirl inspired me! [She laughs.]

Feral: Wow. Well that certainly explains a lot. I was wondering where all that pent-up rage had been hiding!

Tammiodo: Nah, I’m not usually like that.

Feral: Fair enough. So that just leaves Magical_M. [Audience cheers for Magical_M.]

Magical_M: Hello.

Feral: You must be getting sick of this!

Magical_M: Yeah, a little.

Feral: At least you probably don’t have to worry about nerves, though – you’ve been nominated every week, haven’t you?

Magical_M: Yep. But I still get nervous because you never know when your time is up.

Feral: That’s true. I’m going to run out of things to ask you before you get evicted, probably!

Magical_M: Ha ha. Well, I sure hope so!

Feral: All the best for tonight.

Magical_M: Thank you.

Feral: Good luck to everyone.

Housemates: Thanks, Feral / cheers / thank you / etc.

Feral: Okay, I’ve just been handed the envelope, so I’ll open it now. [The audience starts wailing and gnashing their teeth.] Here we go … It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Tammiodo!

[Audience goes bazongers. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

Tammiodo: [Standing up.] There you go, then. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

RichardWatts: Oh, no, sweetie! My other fellow Intruder! I didn’t want to be the last one standing! [The audience – unheard by the Housemates – goes ‘Ooooooh!’ because that’s not what he said when he nominated her!]

Tammiodo: Don’t worry about it; I’m sure I’ll have fun tonight. I hope you win, RichardWatts.

RichardWatts: Thanks, babe.

Steph: Sorry to see you go, Tammiodo.

Tammiodo: Me too!

MelbourneGirl: You really were a breath of fresh air around here, honey.

Tammiodo: Thanks, MG.

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

[Tammiodo rolls her eyes and moves past him.]

Magical_M: Have a great night tonight.

Tammiodo: Oh, I will!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Tammiodo, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Gav: See ya later, Tammiodo.

Pomgirl: Bye, Tammiodo. I guess we’ll see you soon.

TOBYtoby: I’ll catch up with you on the outside and we can chat.

Tammiodo: [She can’t look him in the eye] Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Tammiodo, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

[Tammiodo walks to the door, turns around and waves to the Housemates. The door opens, she steps through, and the door closes behind her.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Okay, you wanted her out, so she’s out. In a few moments, we’ll be chatting live to Tammiodo up here on stage, but while she’s being transported up here, I’m going to tell you a bit more about the coming few episodes of Big Blogger. They’re gonna be huge, so you don’t want to miss a moment! First of all, as I indicated at the top of the show, there’s a special bonus episode this weekend, and I can tell you now that we’ll be throwing some MORE Intruders into the House! This news is going to shock the Housemates, who think they’ve had all the Intruders and Special Guests they’re going to get, but they’re wrong! [The audience just loves this.] Especially RichardWatts, who thought he’d been successful in getting rid of his final fellow Intruder tonight. I can’t tell you yet how many Intruders we’ll be sending in, or who they’ll be, but drop back in over the weekend and you’ll find out. Then next Wednesday we have our normal eviction show where the new Intruders will be safe, but the following week is a world-first for Big Blogger: We will be evicting THREE Housemates. Yes, it’s getting towards the end of the series now, so three are going to be evicted at once. Who’s it gonna be? No one will be safe that week, so it could be anyone. And then we’ll be in the final stretch to the finish line, but not before we unleash THE BIGGEST TWIST in the history of Big Blogger. I’m not allowed to say anything more about it, but if you keep your eye on the Big Blogger list in the sidebar to the right, you’ll be able to see what’s coming next. And I’m telling you: it’s gonna be massive! [She puts her finger to her ear.] And now Big Blogger is telling me that our latest evictee has made it to the stage … Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our eighth Big Blogger Evictee: Tammiodo!

[The audience goes troppo for Tammiodo as she is led out on to the stage by a suave and sophisticated-looking Ninja. Both Tammiodo and the Ninja wave to the audience. Another Ninja has to come on to drag the first one off.]

Tammiodo: Hi Feral. Whoa!

Feral: Hi Tammiodo. Is this anything like what you were expecting?

Tammiodo: No way! I didn’t think the audience was going to like me … [The cheers get deafening – they clearly like her very much.]

Feral: [Laughing] Well, I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem!

Tammiodo: No, I guess not!

Feral: Remember, just because you get the fewest ‘save’ votes, that doesn’t mean the public doesn’t adore you!

Tammiodo: I guess …

Feral: Now I simply must ask you about TOBYtoby. I didn’t realise you had any feelings for him at all that extended beyond friendship. I know he certainly didn’t think you had feelings for him! Otherwise he wouldn’t have said that stuff to you in the shower that upset you so much.

Tammiodo: Yeah, hopefully not. Well, I suppose the feelings sort of sparked from our close friendship. I kind of became possessive of him when Pomgirl arrived and he started showing her an interest instead.

Feral: Do you think you’d do anything differently now if you were to go back into the House?

Tammiodo: Um, maybe. Yeah, I think instead of throwing everyone else’s things around the room and upsetting them, I’d probably just concentrate on TOBYtoby’s stuff. [The audience laughs.] And then I’d just kick him in the <BEEP>. [The audience laughs again – apart from the guys, who all cross their legs as one.]

Feral: Well, that’s certainly one way to get your point across! So tell me, did you have a good time?

Tammiodo: Yeah, for sure. It was amazing.

Feral: Well, I need to tell you that you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils tonight, and he’ll be showing you who nominated you.

Tammiodo: Okay.

Feral: But right now we’re going to take a look at the votes. As you know, because you went into the House after the show had started … oh, that’s right, you said you didn’t read the show before you went in!

Tammiodo: [A little sheepishly] Ha ha, yeah.

Feral: Oh well, you don’t know, then. Readers can both ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’.

Tammiodo: Oh, I see.

[A graph appears on the screen. Feral points to it.]

Feral: And if you have the time later, you can look at that in more detail and let me know what it says!

Tammiodo: Fair enough. [She smiles.]

Feral: Alright, now how ‘bout some prizes?

Tammiodo: Oooh! Yes please!

Feral: Okay. Here you go; a week-old Krispy Kreme doughnut and a copy of TV Week.

[Audience cheers.]

Tammiodo: Oh. [Pause.] Yay.

Feral: Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Eight, Tammiodo!

[Audience applauds as Tammiodo leaves the stage smiling and waving to the audience.]

Feral: Alright, that’s it for another week. I didn’t think we’d make it, but we’re there. Remember, there are lots of surprises in store for the Housemates in the coming weeks, the best of which is the Intruder Special # 2 that’s happening this weekend. Make sure you don’t miss it! I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where Housemates come and Housemates go, but most of all they go. Good night!

[Audience takes a load off.]

Mike: [Voice over] Who’ll be our ninth evicted Housemate? Tune in next week to find out! But more importantly, who are our new Intruders? You’ll have to pop back over the weekend to see for yourself! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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