Big Blogger - Week 7

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience walks right in, sits right down, and baby lets their hair hang down as Feral walks out onto the stage.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – Week 7. It’s getting harder and harder to accept the fact that only three weeks of Big Blogger remain, but sadly it’s true.

[Audience reacts in limited surprise. She’s been telling them the countdown for a couple of weeks now – it’s not really news to them anymore. Feral turns to face another camera.]

Feral: But don’t worry; Big Blogger has plenty of exciting surprises in store for us for the remaining three weeks. Tonight we’ll be evicting our ninth Housemate, and that person will be joining me here on stage a little later on. But first, we’re going to take our regular look back at the past week inside the House, which includes the invasion of our four new Intruders over the weekend and how their surprise arrival impacted the other Housemates. Whadda ya think a’ that?

[Audience gives a standing ovation.]

Feral: Excellent. But obviously, but before we get to that, we need to take a look at how the House coped last week after Tammiodo’s eviction.

[Cut to video footage of the House immediately after Tammiodo was evicted last Wednesday night. The Housemates are still facing the door.]

Steph: [Breaking the silence] Wow. [Pause.] I didn’t think she’d be the one to go this week. [Pause. She looks around at the others and obviously feels the need to clarify.] Because I thought someone else would surely be evicted for their disgraceful behaviour. [She is looking pointedly at Pomgirl.]

TOBYtoby: I think we all got it, Steph.

[Steph and Pomgirl share an icy stare.]

Gav: [To Tyson] She dissed you, man!

Tyson: Who, Tammiodo?

Gav: Yeah.

Tyson: Oh well. Some people just can’t see the funny side of things.

[Standing next to them, RichardWatts grunts to himself at Tyson’s remark.]

MelbourneGirl: [Heading into the kitchen] Who wants a drink?

Magical_M: Ooh, yes please.

Steph: Count me in.

Gav: I could murder a frosty one.

[The Housemates all move into the kitchen, where MelbourneGirl starts pouring everyone drinks.]

MelbourneGirl: [Peering into the fridge] Isn’t there another bottle in here?

Steph: There should be.

[The two girls spend a moment looking through the fridge.]

MelbourneGirl: [Standing up and facing the other Housemates] Okay, who drank the last bottle of wine?

[No one says anything. Pomgirl looks particularly innocent.]

[Cut to the Housemates enjoying their weekly spa ritual for their ‘fallen’ Housemate. It is dark and the steam from the spa makes it hard to see anyone clearly.]

Magical_M: I’d like to propose a toast. To Tammiodo!

Housemates: [Charging their glasses] To Tammiodo.

[They all drink. We see they are either drinking orange juice or milk.]

Steph: Agh. I hate drinking milk without any flavour.

Gav: So why didn’t you get a juice instead?

Steph: I hate drinking juice, too.

Tyson: What do you like drinking? Besides—

Steph: [Interrupting] ALCAMAHOL!

Tyson: … yeah, besides that.

Steph: [Blinks at him for a moment] No, that’s it. Alcohol is what I like drinking. End of story.

[The boys smirk.]

RichardWatts: So Pomgirl, tell me. Did you think you’d survive that eviction?

Pomgirl: Why?

RichardWatts: I dunno, I just thought that you might find yourself being kicked out after all that business the other day.

Pomgirl: Well, obviously the Australian reading public knows a real winner when they read about one!

RichardWatts: Riiiiiiiiiight. But what I mean is, were you never worried that your behaviour might have cost you your place in the House?

Pomgirl: Nuh. I’m unstoppable. It’d be best for you lot if you learned that straight up.

[There is a stunned silence around the spa. Pomgirl glows with what she takes to be adoration, although it is thinly-veiled contempt from almost everyone.]

TOBYtoby: [Coughing] Well, I think I might turn in.

MelbourneGirl: Already? Boy, that’s unlike you, TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Ah, I’m not reading Big Blogger anymore anyway, so I think I’ll take a backseat for most of this episode.

[And with that perplexing statement, he disappears inside the House.]

Magical_M: [Under her breath] No loss.

[The other Housemates laugh, except for Pomgirl, who is frowning.]

[Cut back to Feral in the studio. The audience is chanting for Pomgirl.]

Feral: Wow, I didn’t realise Pomgirl had such a following here in Australia!

[The chants from the audience turn into cheers and applause for Pomgirl.]

Feral: Okay then, that’s enough of that. [The applause dies down.] How about we move from one fiery young lady who’s still in the House to another fiery young lady who’s out-and-about, eh?

[The audience stares back at her, uncomprehending.]

Feral: I’m talking about Tammiodo.

[The audience gasps in recognition and gets excited about meeting last week’s evictee.]

Feral: [Rolling her eyes] Alright then. Please put your hands together for Tammiodo!

[The audience goes wild (Kym Wilde, not Wilbur Wilde). Tammiodo enters, waving and smiling.]

Tammiodo: Hi Feral.

Feral: Hello, Tammiodo. How has your week been?

Tammiodo: Oh, it’s been amazing! I can’t put it into words.

Feral: You’re gonna have to try; this is a written medium, remember.

Tammiodo: Oh, right. Um … it was “awesome”. [She uses her fingers to punctuate the emphasis on the last word by indicating quotation marks in the air.]

Ninja: [From off-stage] Ha! I told her to say that!

[Feral looks off-stage in annoyance briefly, then turns back to Tammiodo.]

Feral: Okay, good. Now let’s discuss your time in the House, because I know you haven’t discussed that enough this week! [She grins, and after a heavy sigh, Tammiodo grins with her. Her heart isn’t in it, though.] When you first went into the House as an Intruder, what was it like from your perspective?

Tammiodo: I think I had it a little tough, going into an obviously close-knit group like that. It was like being the new kid arriving at a new primary school in the middle of the school term.

[Audience goes ‘Awwwwwww’ like they’re on an episode of Full House.]

Feral: It was that hard?

Tammiodo: Well, after a bit. Initially it was all very exciting and they were all pleased to see us there … and I got really close to TOBYtoby and Audrey & The Bad Apples straight away.

Feral: Yes you did. Now, they were your favourite Housemates before you entered the House, weren’t they.

Tammiodo: Yep.

Feral: And did your expectations of them as people change at all, once you were in there with them 24 hours a day?

Tammiodo: Nah, they’re both really ace people.

Feral: Well talk to me about the TOBYtoby incident.

Tammiodo: You mean with Pomgirl?

Feral: Well, you tell me!

Tammiodo: Ahem. Well, okay. It was like this. [She pauses. The audience begins to laugh at her reluctance to say anything. She smiles at them.]

Feral: Yes?

Tammiodo: I felt like she was coming in and taking away my … special friend.

[Audience goes ‘Ooooooooh!’ suggestively.]

Tammiodo: No, not like that! Just my best friend in there.

Feral: And you didn’t want to share him?

Tammiodo: Well, no. Not all the time. She was an interloper.

Feral: Whereas you were just an Intruder?

[The audience laughs at Feral’s incredible wit. They high-five each other.]

Tammiodo: [Seeing the funny side] Yeah. Something like that. [She smiles.]

Feral: Well, I want to thank you for your time in the House. It was great having you as part of our show, and I wish you all the best for the future.

Tammiodo: Thanks, Feral.

Feral: Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Tammiodo!

[Audience cheers for Tammiodo as she makes her way off stage.]

Feral: Alright, now we’re going to head back to the House and see what happened during the rest of the week. Remembering, of course, that halfway through the week we threw four new Intruders into the House to really shake things up a bit. Now we’ll get to see what happened before and after the new Intruders were thrust into the other Housemates’ lives. I hope that’s clear to everyone.

[Audience nods in understanding; I trust you get what’s going on as well.]

[Cut to footage of the Housemates standing around in the backyard on Thursday morning.]

Feral: [Voice over] It’s 11:35am, and most of the Housemates have been playing a basic form of soccer in the backyard for around twenty minutes.

Tyson: I’m gonna kick this to you, are you ready?

[We see that he is referring to a ball of scrunched up kitchen foil, and he is talking to Magical_M, who looks a bit nervous.]

Magical_M: Oh, okay. I’m not very good at sports, though.

Gav: [Calling out from the sidelines] That’s alright, neither is Tyson! [They all laugh.]

Tyson: It’s not really ‘sport’, anyway. We’re just mucking around. Don’t worry about it.

Magical_M: Okay.

Tyson: You ready?

Magical_M: Yeah.

[Tyson gently kicks the foil ball to Magical_M, who reacts like a brick has been thrown at her head. Although it is skimming slowly across the grass, she ducks and runs screaming into the House, her hands wrapped around her head in protection. She makes it all the way inside, which is ten metres away, before the foil ball passes by where she was standing, just three metres from Tyson. He watches her go in amazement. The others are laughing. After a moment, Magical_M sheepishly re-emerges from inside the House.]

Magical_M: I told you I wasn’t any good at sports!

Tyson: [Slowly, as everyone else laughs] Yes, you did. No argument here.

Magical_M: I’m just a little scared of balls coming at me, okay? Let me kick it to you.

Tyson: Alright, go for it.

[Magical_M fetches the ball of foil, sets it on the ground in front of her, and faces Tyson, leaving a space of two metres between them.]

Magical_M: Here I go …

Tyson: I’m ready.

[She kicks the foil ball but it goes flying off to her immediate right, hitting one of the main windows of the House and smashing it. The Housemates all react in shock and freeze. After a second, they start laughing at Magical_M.]

Magical_M: Oh, <BEEP>! [She puts her hands over her head in shame and tries to escape scrutiny by running around in circles.]

Big Blogger: Magical_M: For the destruction of Big Blogger property, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

[Magical_M simply groans as the other Housemates continue to chuckle.]

[Cut to later in the day. MelbourneGirl is sitting in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: MelbourneGirl.

MelbourneGirl: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: Is anything bothering you?

MelbourneGirl: Um, I was just wondering if you could provide Steph with some All Bran, or prunes, or something.

Big Blogger: Why?

MelbourneGirl: Why do you think? She’s all backed-up.

Big Blogger: How does this affect you?

MelbourneGirl: You’re joking, right? It’s affects me when she’s in so much pain that she can hardly move. And then when it all finally comes out, it’ll stink out the whole place. We need her to be more ‘regular’.

Big Blogger: Why hasn’t Steph come to ask me about this herself?

MelbourneGirl: Probably too embarrassed to discuss it, or something.

Big Blogger: And you think she’ll be happy that you came and discussed it with me?

MelbourneGirl: Well … I won’t tell if you won’t.

[Pause.]

MelbourneGirl: You’re gonna tell her, aren’t you.

Big Blogger: Yes.

MelbourneGirl: Why?

Big Blogger: To see if she gets cranky on your ass.

MelbourneGirl: Hmm. Sounds like you’re channeling Eminem.

Big Blogger: Is there anything else?

MelbourneGirl: No.

Big Blogger: That is all.

[We see MelbourneGirl exit the Diary Room and approach Steph.]

MelbourneGirl: Um, I just tried to do a good thing for you but I think Big Blogger’s going to blow it out of all proportion and—

Big Blogger: [Interrupting] This is Big Blogger. Steph, to help cure your constipation, Big Blogger would like to offer you a special cream you can apply to the affected area. You will not be getting any special food for your condition. If you would like to avail yourself of the cream, please come to the Diary Room ammediately.

Steph: Ahem. [She has gone beetroot-red. Trying her best to look casual, she slowly stands up and strolls towards the Diary Room door, attempting to make it appear that she’s not headed anywhere in particular.]

MelbourneGirl: Sorry, Steph.

Feral: [Voice over] The next night, all Housemates were ready and waiting to play Friday Night Live.

[Cut to the bedroom, where all the Housemates are dressed up as racing car drivers and wearing full racing car helmets.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, welcome to Friday Night Live. The theme for this Friday Night Live is … Formula One. This week the games will be held in memory of Peter Brock.

[The Housemates react with surprise and shock at this news.]

Gav: Hang on, did Brocky die as well?

Tyson: Whoa, dude! No way!

TOBYtoby: Yeah, right. First Steve Irwin and now Peter Brock? As if! Next they’ll be telling you that Irwin was killed by an animal and that Brocky died in a car accident! It’s just not possible. You can’t trust a word Big Blogger tells you – remember that, everyone.

Pomgirl: Who’s Peter Brock?

[While we hear Big Blogger continue, we are shown various clips of the Housemates competing in games and tasks involving miniature car racing props, unknown messy substances, and a trophy at the end for the winner.]

Big Blogger: Housemates will begin in teams, but there will be only one winner. The last remaining Housemate will win four prizes; the Friday Night Live trophy, the right to affect nominations, two nights in the Rewards Room with a Housemate of your choice, and the three boxes. Housemates, prepare to drive. TOBYtoby, Tyson, Gav … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare to race. RichardWatts, Pomgirl, Magical_M … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Steph, MelbourneGirl, tonight’s winner will be the Housemate who can complete three laps of the obstacle course in their go-kart in the fasted time. Prepare to put the pedal to the metal. Steph, you are the winner of Friday Night Live. Congratulations. Approach the winner’s podium and collect your trophy. Losing Housemates, celebrate your champion.

Steph: Hurray! [Laughs as everyone surrounds her. She holds her trophy – a miniature golden racing car on a block of wood – above her head.]

[Cut to footage of the Friday Night Live desk.]

Mike: Of all weeks for Tyson, TOBYtoby and Gav to bomb out on the first round, it had to be the Formula One week!

Whee Um-ah: I’m just so glad Steph’s won Friday Night Live! It’s fantastic!

Mike: And of course she’ll be expected to take Gav into the Rewards Room with her, isn’t that right, Ditzy?

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: Yeah, I reckon wot you just said.

Mike: Well, let’s pop down to the House and find out.

[Cut to Steph in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Steph, who do you choose to take to the Rewards Room, and why?

Steph: I’m gonna take Gav, thanks, Big Blogger. He and I are an item and I’ve been looking forward to this for a while now.

[Cut to Steph and Gav in the Rewards Room, facing the three boxes.]

Big Blogger: Steph, which box do you choose?

Steph: Um, Big Blogger, I choose box two, please.

Big Blogger: You may open box number two now.

[She does so.]

Steph: [Reading off a card] “You have won a packet of paperclips.”

Gav: [Laughing] Oh, man! You’re gonna be envy of all of Australia with a great prize like that! [The both laugh.]

Big Blogger: Steph, the packet of paperclips is yours to keep.

Steph: [Enjoying herself regardless] Okay!

Big Blogger: You may check the other boxes now.

Steph: [Opening box one and reading off a card] “You have won a beauty shop make-over valued at $10,000.” Whoa! That’s a lot of mascara!

Gav: Hmm, you don’t need it anyway.

Steph: Oh, thanks, hon! [She opens box three and reads off a card] “You have won two all-expenses-paid overseas trips to the countries of your choice.”

Gav: Two trips! Wow!

Steph: They must be desperate for someone to win a holiday. Man, it sucks that I didn’t pick the right box.

Feral: [Voice over] And then on Sunday, Big Blogger surprised the Housemates by sending in four new Intruders.

[Cut to the House, where the Housemates are all seated around outside. Gav is finishing a joke, and the Housemates are all red-faced and smiling from laughing so hard at jokes he told earlier.]

Gav: So he said, “I’ll never look at twenty-five cents the same way again!”

[The Housemates break up into raucous laughter. TOBYtoby slaps his thigh again. Pomgirl is smiling politely but obviously doesn’t see anything funny about the joke. RichardWatts is in a very hearty mood, rolling back and forth on his deck chair, laughing loudly at the sky. Suddenly, claxons sound and the Housemates all stop laughing in surprise. They look wide-eyed to each other.]

Magical_M: INTRUDERS! Yay!!

[They all get up and run to the lounge, cheering excitedly. RichardWatts brings up the rear. He is neither running, nor cheering. In fact, he’s not even smiling. As the Housemates approach the television in the lounge, they see the following image flashing across the screen: INTRUDER ALERT! The Housemates cheer in excitement and starts asking each other if they think the Intruders will be male or female, how many there’ll be, and whether or not they’ll be bringing any alcohol with them. The Diary Room door opens and Sublime-ation hesitantly walks in holding a bottle of champagne. Magical_M, Steph and MelbourneGirl squeal and surround her in a giant hug.]

MelbourneGirl: Welcome! Welcome! We love Intruders!

Magical_M: Yay! What’s your name?

Sublime-ation: I’m Sublime-ation. [She holds up the bottle of champagne.] What should I do with this?

Steph: [Grabbing it quickly] Oooh, I’ll take that.

[The audience laughs once more at Steph’s eagerness to get sloshed.]

Tyson: [Offering his hand between MelbourneGirl and Magical_M] Hi, how you doing. I’m Tyson.

Sublime-ation: [Coming over all shy and giggling nervously] Hi Tyson.

Gav: [To RichardWatts, under his breath] Ooh, someone has a crush! …

RichardWatts: [Not paying attention, focused instead on the whole situation unraveling before him] Hmm?

[The claxons stop ringing.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh, thank <BEEP>.

Magical_M: [Loudly] Let’s have a drink! Where’s the champagne?

Steph: [Calling from the kitchen, where she is already uncorking the bottle] In here!

[The Housemates laugh at Steph as they drag Sublime-ation into the kitchen with them to celebrate her arrival in the House.]

Magical_M: Will you have one, Sublime-ation? Or can I call you Subby?

Sublime-ation: Yes I will, and yes you can.

Magical_M: Lovely!

MelbourneGirl: Do you know all our names, or do we need to introduce ourselves to you properly?

Sublime-ation: It’s okay, I pretty much know all –

[Suddenly the claxons start ringing again, and the Housemates all jump in surprise, start squealing to each other, and run back into the lounge. All except for Sublime-ation, who is left stranded behind the counter on her own, forgotten, and RichardWatts, who wasn’t getting ‘into’ the celebration himself anyway. They look at each other in silence across the kitchen for a moment, and then RichardWatts raises his eyebrows to her as if to say, “There you go, hey. They’re a fickle bunch, and once they have something else to focus on, you’ll be discarded like yesterday’s nappies.” Or words to that effect. He turns to slowly walk back into the lounge, and after a moment’s pause, Sublime-ation follows.]

[Cut to the Diary Room door. It opens and the Housemates are jumping up and down in excitement.]

Magical_M: Please be a hottt guy; please be a hottt guy!

Steph: I reckon it’s another girl.

[With a flourish, Elaine strides into the room, still in full pirate regalia and brandishing her cutlass. Her facial hair seems even more prominent than before.]

Steph: Oh my <BEEP>! [To Magical_M] We were both right!

Magical_M: What the <BEEP>?

MelbourneGirl: <BEEP>!

TOBYtoby: Ha! It’s a <BEEP>in’ pirate!

Pomgirl: Why is there a pirate in the House?

Elaine: Arrgh! Ahoy, me hearties! I be Cap’n Elaine, and you be the scurviest seadogs I ever did see! Arrgh!

Steph: Ha, that’s great!

Gav: What a cool costume!

Magical_M: Are we all meant to be dressing up?

Pomgirl: What’s with the <BEEP>in’ pirate costume?

Tyson: This is hilarious! What’s going on?

Elaine: Arrgh! Nothin’ be going on, laddie! I’m a pirate just as you’re a fruity <BEEP>. Arrgh!

Tyson: [Caught a little off guard by that remark] Oh.

Elaine: [Sensing that he doesn’t follow] I’ve read ye blog, lad. I know ye reckon that every good boy deserves fruit.

Tyson: Oh, right. I get it. That’s really funny. [He turns to Gav and rolls his eyes.]

Elaine: [By way of concluding her point] Arrgh!

[The Housemates all move back into the kitchen to serve up their champagne. The claxons stop ringing.]

Steph: Yay! Two Intruders! I’m so glad that we’ve got some more chicks again; we’ve had nothing but chicks being evicted for ages, so this’ll help build up the numbers again.

MelbourneGirl: [To Elaine] So what’s your name, sweetie?

Elaine: [Incredulous] ’Sweetie’?!

MelbourneGirl: Um, “What’s your name, Captain?”

Elaine: [Relaxing] I be Elaine, Pirate Queen o’ the High Seas, in front of whom all men will quake and by whose sword the King’s army shall die.

[Beat.]

MelbourneGirl: Is it okay if we just call you Elaine?

Elaine: Aye.

Magical_M: Hey, I wonder if we’re gonna get any more Intru—

[Suddenly the claxons start ringing again, and the Housemates all jump in delight, start squealing to each other again, and run back into the lounge. This time, RichardWatts stays in the kitchen on his own, and begins to pour himself a very tall glass of champagne, nearly filling the flute. Sublime-ation is excited now, and Elaine is following the crowd making general pirate noises. Pomgirl isn’t looking too impressed with the night’s action, and is giving Elaine in particular some very scathing looks from the sidelines.]

Magical_M: Please be a hottt guy; please be a hottt guy!

[Cut to the Diary Room door. It opens and the Housemates try to peer around into the Diary Room to see who’s coming out. Within seconds of the door sliding open, though, Mars comes running out, all smiles and excitement..]

Steph: Another girl! Yay!!

Mars: Hi everyone! How are ya?

Pomgirl: [Demandingly] What are you? A fairy?

Mars: [Not sure how to take the question] Um, no. Not at all, don’t worry. You’re safe.

TOBYtoby: She means, are you wearing some sort of costume?

Mars: [Looking down at her clothes. They don’t look like a fairy outfit to her] Ah, no. Why would you– ?

[Without saying anything, TOBYtoby points to Elaine. Mars follows his gesture to see Elaine dressed up in all her pirate gear.]

Elaine: [Weakly] Arrgh.

Mars: Oh my goodness. No, I wasn’t given a costume. Are we all meant to be in costume?

Magical_M: That’s what I asked!

Tyson: Nah, it’s okay. Elaine here just likes to be a pirate, right, Elaine?

Elaine: [Spotting a sympathiser] Aha! That be correct, vermin.

Mars: Okay. [She immediately turns away.] Hi girls!

Steph: Hello! What’s your name?

Mars: I’m Mars.

MelbourneGirl: Are you named after the planet or the chocolate bar?

Mars: That didn’t take long! The chocolate bar.

Magical_M: Yummy!

Mars: I wasn’t allowed to bring any in with me, though.

Steph: Oh, bugger.

Pomgirl: [To TOBYtoby, struggling to be heard above all the noise] Can you believe these girls? What scrags!

TOBYtoby: [Unable to hear her properly] What?

[The claxons stop ringing in time for everyone to hear Pomgirl yell:]

Pomgirl: I SAID THEY’RE ALL SCRAGS!

[There is a deathly silence as everyone turns to look at Pomgirl. She stares back at them with pure attitude.]

Pomgirl: Well? What? They are. [She heads back into the kitchen and finds RichardWatts holding his champagne glass in the air, toasting the toaster.]

RichardWatts: To bread. You turn it into toast for me, and I love you for it. [He drinks.]

Pomgirl: I hope you’ve saved enough of that for me.

RichardWatts: Not likely.

[She picks up the bottle and finds that it’s three-quarters empty.]

Pomgirl: [Shocked] How’d you drink so much of it in just a few minutes?

RichardWatts: [Sarcastic] I’m sorry, Your Highness! If I’d realised it was a race, I would have polished off the whole lot for you!

Pomgirl: [Pouring herself a drink] Good thing you didn’t.

[Cut back to the lounge. The Housemates have rekindled their excitement again.]

Sublime-ation: I think we should get a tour of the House!

Mars: Yeah! I want to know where I’ll be sleeping.

Elaine: Arrgh!

Steph: Fair enough. Come with me, ladies.

[But just then, the claxons start ringing once more, and the Housemates all turn back to the Diary Room door, laughing and cheering.]

Gav: I can’t believe we’re getting four Intruders!

Tyson: It’s massive, alright!

TOBYtoby: Do ya reckon this one’ll be a guy?

Magical_M: Knowing my luck, … [Enny enters through the Diary Room door] … nup.

Enny: Hey there! My name’s Enny.

MelbourneGirl: Hi, Enny.

Steph: ‘Enny’ … that’s a lovely name. What is it short for?

Enny: Enny-body’s. [They all laugh.]

[The claxons stop ringing.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh, thank goodness. Those bells drive me crazy.

[Everyone in the lounge is crowding around the four new Intruders and fussing over them.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. [Everyone falls silent.] Housemates, please make your four new Intruders feel welcome.

[The Housemates all cheer.]

Big Blogger: Intruders, welcome to the Big Blogger House. You are very lucky to be entering the House at this late stage in the game. ‘Lucky’; because, just like the already-existing Housemates, you have every chance of winning Big Blogger. Good luck.

[The Housemates applaud and cheer the new Intruders.]

Tyson: Let’s go serve up those drinks.

Steph: Oooh! Yes! The champagne!

[They walk back into the kitchen and discover Pomgirl and RichardWatts downing the last of the champers. They all stand there in the doorway from the lounge, with looks of horror on their faces and their mouths wide open.]

Pomgirl: [Looking up at them in disgust] WHAT??!

Steph: The … the champagne … you … you drank it all?!!

Pomgirl: [Still giving attitude] I barely drank a quarter of it. Gay-boy here drank most of it.

RichardWatts: Hey! You can’t call me … oh, hang on, … I guess tetnit’ly you’re right.

Magical_M: What are we all going to drink now?

Pomgirl: Not my problem. [She walks out of the kitchen towards the bedroom, her nose in the air. Without turning around, she leaves the Housemates with one final thought.] I think there’s still some milk and juice in the fridge. [And with that, she is gone.]

Sublime-ation: Wow. I didn’t realise she was actually that much of a <BEEP>.

Magical_M: Oh, she is, believe me.

RichardWatts: [Who has just noticed the other Housemates standing in the doorway] Hey guys! Come’n’ere and meet my friend the toaster. He makes my toast into bread! [He frowns to himself for a moment as he considers this statement, then smiles.] Yeah, that’sh it.

TOBYtoby: I’m gonna go talk to Pomgirl about this. Sorry guys. [He exits to the bedroom.]

Gav: Poor guy. He’s kinda stuck in the middle, isn’t he. It wasn’t his fault she drank all the champagne.

Tyson: Well, she didn’t drink all of it. [He is glaring pointedly at RichardWatts.]

MelbourneGirl: True. RichardWatts, what’s the matter with you? Why’d you drink all the champers and not leave any for anyone else?

RichardWatts: [Having trouble focusing on her] Why? Why do you care? Why do you pretend to care?

MelbourneGirl: What??

RichardWatts: [Getting loud and emotional] Don’t act like you mean it! Don’t mean it! You don’t mean it! I don’t know that if you don’t mean it! [He seems to be trying to decide which phrase he prefers.] Um … Don’t act like it!

MelbourneGirl: What are you saying?

RichardWatts: [It all gets too much for him] Oh, leave me alone! [He bursts into tears and runs into the backyard.]

[Tyson begins to follow him. MelbourneGirl puts her hand out to stop him.]

MelbourneGirl: No, let him go. He’s being ridiculous and it’s just the alcohol talking. Let’s now waste our time trying to reason with an emotional drunk.

[The Housemate seem to accept this assessment and go to the fridge to see what hey can drink by way of celebrating.]

Gav: [Looking in the fridge] Hey, there’s some pineapple punch in here.

Tyson: Blecch.

Steph: I’m so upset about that champagne.

Enny: I must say, I thought of all people, RichardWatts would be the most welcoming.

Gav: Why’s that? Oh, the Intruder thing. Gotcha.

Mars: Me too, I thought the same thing.

Elaine: Arrgh! Methinks he may be feelin’ left out. Arrgh!

MelbourneGirl: [Looking at Elaine askance as she speaks] Er, yeah. That could be it, actually. He’s lost his ‘special individuality’ in the House or something.

Magical_M: [Grumpy] Well that’s just silly. And I’m not going to allow myself to feel sorry for him!

MelbourneGirl: Fair enough.

Sublime-ation: So, tell me. How often do you guys get alcohol in here, anyway? It’s one of the main inconsistencies about Big Blogger when you’re on the outside reading it.

Tyson: It varies. Sometimes we’re not allowed any alcohol, like the other week, and sometimes we get a batch every three or four nights. Usually we get some each Friday, to have a party after Friday Night Live.

Sublime-ation: Ah, I see. That explains that, then. [She nods and winks conspiratorially at the unseen reading audience.]

[Cut to later in the evening. The Housemates and Intruders are all seated around the dining table, drinking glasses of fruit juice and sharing a plate of plain biscuits between them. RichardWatts, TOBYtoby and Pomgirl are not present.]

Tyson: So how long do you reckon we’ve got left in Big Blogger?

Magical_M: It must be ages yet! Every time we lose a couple of people, another handful get thrown back in!

MelbourneGirl: Yeah, the maths sure seems to indicate it’ll be running for another … what, … eight weeks? There’s twelve of us in here now …

Steph: Twelve! That’s crazy. The numbers keep getting bigger!

Mars: But there’s usually two or three in the House at the very end …

Enny: Yeah, and there could be a double eviction or something.

MelbourneGirl: That’s why I said eight weeks.

Elaine: Arrgh! Ye won’t be able to second-guess Big Blogger! Arrgh! [Pause. No one looks at her or responds. She notices this, and seems to physically deflate … although not all the way.]

Tyson: Well, I suppose we just never know. We could all be out this week, or we could all still be here next month. There’s no way to be certain.

[Elaine tries to engage the Housemates again.]

Elaine: Arrgh! Ye won’t believe the trouble I had getting’ me cutlass through Big Blogger security! Arrgh!

[There is no response from the other Housemates, who are all looking at each other, unsure of what to say or do.]

Elaine: [Dropping the pirate accent and talking in her normal voice] Alright, look. I don’t mean to weird you out or anything. I just wanted a gimmick of some sort when I came in here.

[The Housemates all turn to look at her now that she’s not speaking in pirate-talk.]

MelbourneGirl: Why would you need a gimmick?

Elaine: You’ve all got something! [She looks at Steph and Gav] You guys are a couple, [she looks at Tyson] you’re the guy who scored two girls in as many weeks, [she looks at MelbourneGirl] you’re the mother-figure who was secretly engaged at the beginning, [she looks at Magical_M] you’re the hottt one who keeps getting nominated, [Magical_M beams at this] … TOBTtoby’s the Insider with a heart of gold, Pomgirl’s the <<><>> from Britain who thinks she’s better than us, RichardWatts is the token gay guy, [she looks at Enny, Mars and Sublime-ation] and I don’t know you guys well enough yet to categorise you, but you know what I mean. I needed some kind of angle to stand out amongst all you big personalities.

MelbourneGirl: [Softening to her] Oh, sweetie, you don’t need any kind of angle at all! People will love you just for being who you are. Don’t try to be someone you’re not.

Elaine: But I am a pirate! [MelbourneGirl gives her a doubting look.] Well, a pirate fan.

MelbourneGirl: Even if you are, there’s no need to put on such an act. The reading public will like you for who you are, so there’s no need for all this “Arrgh” business anymore, okay?

Elaine: Yeah, okay. [They hug.] Thanks, MelbourneGirl.

MelbourneGirl: Now why don’t you take off all that silly costume gear.

Elaine: Yeah, I don’t think I want to wear it anymore. [She removes the pirate hat, the eye patch, and the stuffed parrot from her shoulder.

MelbourneGirl: What about that fake beard?

Elaine: What fake beard?

[Pause.]

MelbourneGirl: [Loudly changing the topic] Who wants another biscuit?

[Cut to RichardWatts in the backyard. He is still quite ‘affected’ by the champagne, and is lying on one of the deck chairs, looking up at the stars and singing to himself. Getting carried away in the moment, he begins to sing louder and louder until the Housemates inside can hear him.]

[Cut back to the Housemates around the dining table.]

RichardWatts: [From outside] “Did you ever know that you’re my heeeeeeeeerrrrooooooo? You’re everything I would like to beeeeeeeeeeeee …”

MelbourneGirl: Oh my <BEEP>.

[The Housemates laugh.]

Magical_M: I can’t believe RichardWatts is singing!

Tyson: RichardWatts? RichardMarks, more like!

[The Housemates all break up into laughter again.]

[Cut to RichardWatts outside on the deckchair again.]

RichardWatts: “Cos you are the wind beneath myyyyyyyyy wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings.”

[Cut to later in the evening. The mood is now more subdued. The Housemates have split up into smaller groups around the House as they make conversation and get to know each other better. We see Gav and Sublime-ation seated together on the lounge.]

Gav: So, … ‘Sublime-ation’, eh? Is that hyphenated?

Sublime-ation: Sure is.

Gav: Little A?

Sublime-ation: Yep. Little S, too.

Gav: Oh, he won’t use a little S in here. It’s nothing but proper nouns for the lot of us, regardless of how we choose to spell our names.

Sublime-ation: Oh. Well that’s not fair. I write it how I want to write it.

Gav: And so does Big Blogger. Don’t worry, I’ve been there with him already. He just fined me for arguing. He goes with whatever he deems to be ‘correct’, which for him means capital letters. I’m the same. I’m Gav with a little G, but he changes it to a capital G before it appears online.

Sublime-ation: How does he manage that? Isn’t this live and instantaneous?

Gav: Yeah, but there’s a five-second delay so he can substitute the swearing for <BEEP>s, change our names to pronouns, and pixelate our naughty bits if we’re in the shower or something.

Sublime-ation: Hmph. So are you sure he’ll at least leave the A in lower case?

Gav: Well, I’m not 100% sure, but it makes sense that he should. [Beat.] Which probably means he won’t. [They laugh.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Gav, Sublime-ation. For insulting Big Blogger, that’s a five thousand dollar fine each.

Sublime-ation: What?

Big Blogger: Sublime-ation. For questioning Big Blogger’s decision, that’s another five thousand dollar fine.

Gav: [Through gritted teeth] Just let it go! It’s best not to argue with him when he’s being snippy like that!

Sublime-ation: But that’s so unfair!

Gav: Get used to it, girlie – it’s his way or the highway around here.

[Sublime-ation pouts.]

[Cut to the bedroom. MelbourneGirl, Magical_M and Elaine are setting up their beds to be next to each other. It’s clear that since dropping the pirate thing, Elaine has formed a close bond with Magical_M and MelbourneGirl. Cut to the sauna, where we see TOBYtoby and Pomgirl sitting in awkward silence. Cut to the backyard, where we see RichardWatts fast asleep on the deck chair, snoring loudly. Cut to the kitchen, where we see Steph, Enny, Mars and Tyson washing and drying the plates and glasses from earlier.]

Mars: Are there any bugs around here?

Tyson: Bugs?

Enny: [Getting panicked] Ooh man, tell me there aren’t! I hate bugs!

Mars: You too?

Enny: Absolutely!

Tyson: Well, I haven’t noticed any pests.

Steph: Nah, me neither.

Tyson: Unless you count the big one from England.

[They laugh.]

Feral: [Voice over] The following day, the Intruders were in the Diary Room speaking with Big Blogger, while the other Housemates were waiting in the lounge.

[Cut to the Diary Room. Elaine, Sublime-ation, Enny and Mars are squashed into the Diary Room chair together. They don’t look comfortable.]

Big Blogger: Intruders. How was your first night in the Big Blogger House?

Elaine: It was good.

Sublime-ation: I had a great time!

Enny: Cool.

Mars: Yeah, cool.

Big Blogger: Elaine, I notice you’ve removed your wooden leg. Why is that?

Elaine: Um, I decided to put my own leg back in. I don’t need to act like a pirate all the time.

Big Blogger: I’m glad you’ve come to realise that. You are a wonderful person in your own right.

Elaine: Yep. Thanks, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: Enny, how does the Big Blogger House compare to Canberra?

Enny: Well, it’s a lot more exciting here than in Canberra.

Big Blogger: In what ways?

Enny: Well, for starters, … the lights don’t get turned off here until 2am. [The other Intruders laugh.]

Big Blogger: Hehe. Very droll, Enny.

Enny: [Beaming] Thanks, Big Blogger!

Big Blogger: Mars, what is your take on the other Housemates?

Mars: Oh, um … I haven’t got to know them all yet, but those I have are lovely.

Big Blogger: Is that all?

Mars: Well, … I don’t think much of Pomgirl or RichardWatts at the minute, but hopefully I’ll have a chance to get to know them better soon and that will change.

Big Blogger: Very well. And finally, Sublime-ation. It would appear that you’ve already got your sights set on someone in the House. [Sublime-ation blushes.] Do you intend to do anything about it?

Mars: Who do you like?

Enny: I think I know.

Sublime-ation: Shh!

Elaine: Who is it, Enny?

Enny: I reckon it’s Gav.

Sublime-ation: No! It’s definitely not Gav. He’s with Steph, anyway. I wouldn’t do that to Steph, I think she’s ace.

Elaine: So who is it, then?

Sublime-ation: I’m not saying.

Elaine: It’s Gav.

Sublime-ation: No, it’s Tyson, alright?

Elaine: Tyson? He really is the ladykiller!

Sublime-ation: But don’t say anything, okay guys?

Mars: We won’t say anything. Are you going to do anything about it?

Big Blogger: I believe I asked that question a few minutes ago. [Mars rolls her eyes.]

Sublime-ation: Um, we’ll see. I don’t want to rush into anything. I’ve just met the guy; give me a chance to get to know him before I launch myself on him!

[Cut to the lounge, where we see Magical_M, MelbourneGirl, Tyson, Gav, Steph, RichardWatts, TOBYtoby and Pomgirl slumped on the furniture. Pomgirl is seated slightly separately to everyone else, and still seems to be radiating attitude. RichardWatts looks very worse for wear.]

Magical_M: Y’know what? It doesn’t seem fair to me that these four Intruders are safe for this week while one or more of us gets evicted.

MelbourneGirl: Why not? That’s how it always works.

Magical_M: Yeah, but not normally this close to the end. Why should they get a free pass to next week when we’re possibly so close to finishing this thing?

MelbourneGirl: I don’t get what you mean.

Magical_M: Think about it this way: What if next week was the last week of Big Blogger?

MelbourneGirl: [Looking around at how many Housemates are seated with them] Well, it couldn’t be …

Magical_M: But just imagine that it is.

MelbourneGirl: Okay, sure.

Magical_M: Now you throw four new people in right at the end and they manage to make the final week purely because they’re safe from nominations this week!

MelbourneGirl: Well that probably just shows that this isn’t the second last week, then.

Magical_M: But the point’s the same – whether there’s one week or twenty weeks left. They’re getting a free pass to a point further in the game than whoever amongst us who gets evicted on Wednesday will reach.

[It takes a moment for the other Housemates to understand what she’s saying.]

Tyson: I think I know what you’re saying. So whoever here gets evicted on Wednesday will feel cheated by the fact that the four new Intruders got further than them because they were immune?

Magical_M: Exactly!

MelbourneGirl: Yeah, but it’s still the only fair way to do it. From their perspective, I mean.

Magical_M: Hmph! Screw them!

[The Diary Room door opens and the Intruders walk out. The Housemates fall silent and smile sweetly at the Intruders.]

Magical_M: [All sugar and roses] How was it?

Sublime-ation: Good. [She glances at Tyson and blushes thirty shades of red. He doesn’t notice.]

Feral: [Voice over] And before too long, the Housemates found themselves being called to the Diary Room to place their weekly nominations.

[Cut to the lounge. The Housemates and Intruders are all gathered on the couch.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. This week, new Intruders Sublime-ation, Elaine, Mars and Enny are ammune from nomination. They can neither nominate, nor be nominated. All other Housemates are fair game. Housemates. It’s time to nominate. RichardWatts, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where we see quick flashes of everyone’s nominations.]

Big Blogger: RichardWatts, who do you nominate for two points for aviction, and why?

RichardWatts: I want to nominate Pomgirl for two points, Big Blogger.

Gav: Pomgirl.

TOBYtoby: Gav.

Steph: Pomgirl.

Magical_M: Pomgirl.

Pomgirl: Magical_M.

Tyson: Pomgirl.

MelbourneGirl: Pomgirl.

Gav: She’s just too negative all the time. She’s condescending and belittling, and it spoils my fun in the House.

TOBYtoby: I think he and Steph have some kind of an alliance going on, and I need to break it if I’m to stay in the House longer than them.

Pomgirl: I still find her hotttness threatening.

Big Blogger: Who do you nominate for one point for aviction, and why?

RichardWatts: For one point? Tyson. No real reason; I just feel like swinging the axe.

[Cut to the lounge. All Housemates are assembled on the couch, awaiting Big Blogger’s first nominations announcement.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. This week's nominated Housemates are: Magical_M … and … Pomgirl … and … Gav.

[The Housemates react with shock at this news.]

Big Blogger: Steph, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Steph, as winner of Friday Night Live, you will now exercise the most important part of your prize. Who do you wish to deduct three points from, and why.

Steph: I’ll take the three points from Gav, Big Blogger. Clearly he’s the closest person to me in the House, so there’s no way I want him to be evicted if I can help it.

Big Blogger. Go back to the lounge and say nothing of this to your Housemates.

[Cut back to the lounge. Steph takes her seat.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The Housemates up for aviction this week are … Magical_M … and … Pomgirl … and … Tyson. That is all.

Tyson: <BEEP>!

Steph: Oh no! Sorry, Tyson!

Tyson: Ah, it’s alright. It had to happen sometime. Anyway, I’m not evicted; just nominated. [He indicates Magical_M and Pomgirl.] It could be any of us who goes.

Gav: [Hugging Steph] Thanks, babe. [They kiss.]

Feral: [Voice over] So Gav was able to survive nominations, but the cost was Tyson’s safety. Who will go this week? Tyson? Magical_M? Or the pommy girl everyone loves to hate, Pomgirl?

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is going crazy with cheering. Or as Gianluca Di Milano would say, “they is craze with the cheers.”]

Feral: Okay then, that was a very busy week! Things just continue to boil over in that melting pot of stress and uncertainty, don’t they! But who’s “boiled you too far” this week? Who did you vote to save, and who did you vote to evict? Will it be Magical_M? [The audience cheers in support of Magical_M.] Will it be Tyson? [The audience cheers in support of Tyson.] Or will it be Pomgirl? [The audience cheers in support of Pomgirl.] Well, let’s find out right now. Let’s head down to the House for the big announcement.

[Cut to live footage of the Housemates all lined up on the couch, the three in the middle looking more nervous than the others. The audience goes nuts again.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Whoa, hello / Hi Feral / G’day / etc.

Feral: What a big week you’ve all had!

Housemates: That’s for sure / absolutely / yes we have / etc.

Feral: Okay, let’s get straight to it. Can I speak with our new Intruders first? Where’s Enny? [Audience cheers for Enny.]

Enny: Hi Feral.

Feral: Hello there, Enny. Are you having a good time in the House?

Enny: Yep, it’s lots of fun in here. Better than you’d expect.

Feral: Did you settle in well?

Enny: Yep, no problems so far!

Feral: Well, all the best with that. Now where’s Sublime-ation? [Audience cheers for Sublime-ation.]

Sublime-ation: Here I am.

Feral: You were the first of the new Intruders to enter the House … how was the reaction of the Housemates?

Sublime-ation: Really good. For the most part they were delighted to see me. Then someone else came in, and then someone else came in, and it all just got out of hand! It was crazy!

Feral: Yes, it was certainly sensory overload. It always is, in there.

Sublime-ation: That’s true.

Feral: And now let’s have a quick word with Mars. [Audience cheers for Mars.]

Mars: Hello.

Feral: I’ve been dying to know; what’s the food like in the House?

Mars: The food? It’s okay. Not as much to go around now that we’re here, I guess! [She giggles, and the other Housemates agree good-naturedly.]

Feral: Any … chocolate bars?

Mars: Oh, I see. No, none of them. It was distracting at first, but I’m okay with it now. It’s all good.

Feral: Consider it detox, then.

Mars: Exactly.

Feral: And that just leaves Elaine.

Elaine: How you going?

Feral: I’m really well, thanks. I notice you’ve discarded the whole pirate thing.

Elaine: [Sigh] Yeah, … I don’t need it.

Feral: So what was it all about? You were just trying to give yourself an angle to play off, I hear?

Elaine: Pretty much, yeah. Hoping it’d make me more interesting, or something. But now I figure I’m interesting enough!

MelbourneGirl: She doesn’t need it, Feral. We love her just the way she is! [The girls all laugh.]

Feral: Isn’t that lovely! Okay, well time’s ticking away, so I’ve got to quickly run through each of our nominated Housemates and see how they’re doing. Let’s start with Tyson. [Audience cheers for Tyson.]

Tyson: Hey-ho.

Feral: What’s it been like for you to be nominated this week?

Tyson: Ah, it’s been okay. How do you answer that? I’d prefer not to be nominated, but we all get our chance sooner or later.

Feral: Were you disappointed to be brought up into the three nominated Housemates when Gav was removed?

Tyson: Yeah, sure. Anyone would be. But it’s all part of the game and I certainly don’t hold any grudges with Steph or Gav for that. It makes perfect sense that she’d save him from nomination.

Feral: If that’s what she did. We don’t know for sure.

Tyson: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Feral: We can’t confirm or deny how Steph used her three point twist, that’s all.

Tyson: Okay. Big mystery. [He grins.]

Feral: I guess not, but that’s the rule! Good luck tonight.

Tyson: Thanks Feral.

Feral: Now let me have a word with Pomgirl. [Audience cheers for Pomgirl.]

Pomgirl: Hello Feral.

Feral: Hello there! Now you’ve been a controversial one, haven’t you!

Pomgirl: Have I?

Feral: You don’t think so?

Pomgirl: Nah, I think I’ve been quite normal. For a Princess!

[The audience laughs. This is why they love her!]

Feral: I see, so it’s all deserving, is it?

Pomgirl: Is what?

Feral: All the … prima donna behaviour.

Pomgirl: Hmph. I just call it being treated in the style to which I am accustomed.

[The audience reacts again in delight.]

Feral: Of course you do. Well, all the best for tonight.

Pomgirl: Sure, whatever.

Feral: [Blinking her eyes in surprise – maybe Pomgirl is getting too big for her boots?] Um, alright … so that means I get to talk with Magical_M again! [Audience cheers for Magical_M.]

Magical_M: Hi! [She grins and waves excitedly.]

Feral: My, you certainly seem excited tonight! Do you think you’re safe this week?

Magical_M: No way! I think this week it’s my turn to go, finally.

Feral: Really? What gives you that idea?

Magical_M: Oh, nothing specific. I just have this really strong sensation that I’m about to get evicted. It’s uncanny.

Feral: Well, let’s see how uncanny it actually is. I’m being handed the envelope now, so someone is about to get evicted. We’ll see how it is. The best of luck to you all.

Magical_M: Thanks!

Tyson: Thanks, Feral.

Pomgirl: Hmph.

Feral: Alright, here it is. [The audience grips its seats in pure anxiety.] Here we go … It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Tyson!

[The audience gasps in utter bewilderment. The Housemates react in surprise and shock. Sublime-ation looks particularly gutted.]

Tyson: [Standing up.] Ah, bugger. Oh well, that’s it for me! You guys have a great time in here without me, okay?

Gav: Dude! That sucks! [They shake hands.]

Tyson: Nah, it’s okay. It gives me a chance to do this: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Gav: [Smiling] Of course.

Steph: Hey, sorry about all this.

Tyson: Don’t sweat it. It’s fine. Thanks for some great times in here!

Steph: You too. [She kisses him on the cheek.]

TOBYtoby: Hey, man. You make sure you knock ‘em dead out there!

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Enny: You were so much fun in here. Have a great night.

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

RichardWatts: Catch ya later, mate.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Tyson, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Mars: It was great getting to know you. We’ll miss you in here.

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Pomgirl: Goodbye, Tyson.

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Elaine: Make sure you enjoy your time in the spotlight this week!

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

MelbourneGirl: See ya, Tyson.

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Magical_M: I’ll miss you and all the fun you brought to the House!

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Sublime-ation: I … I don’t know what to say … [Her eyes are welling up with tears. He, of course, is completely oblivious to her true feelings.] Oh, come here! [She hugs him tightly, showing a lot of emotion that stuns even him. But only for a moment. He breaks the hug, looks deep into her eyes, and says:]

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Tyson, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

[Tyson walks backwards to the Diary Room door, almost tripping on the top step. He is too busy waving back to the Housemates to care. The door opens, he steps through, and the door closes behind him.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Well, he’s the first guy to be evicted since Evictee Number Four, who, coincidentally, was Javatari. I wonder what either of them would make of that. But while Tyson is making his way up here on stage, I have just enough time to remind you of the next exciting week of Big Blogger. I mentioned it last week, but in case you skipped over that part or didn’t read that episode at all (or in case you’re just really forgetful), I’ll say it again: Next week will be a Big Blogger first! We will be evicting a record THREE Housemates! That’s right, it’s time to really shake up the House by evicting three of their number in the one night. The House will really seem empty after that happens! The remaining Housemates will no doubt be feeling very shell-shocked, so you won’t want to miss a minute of it. And remember, THE BIGGEST TWIST EVER IN THE HISTORY OF BIG BLOGGER is coming up soon after that. In fact, the very next weekend. Keep your eye on the Big Blogger list in the sidebar on the right. [She puts her finger to her ear.] And now Big Blogger is letting me know that our newest evictee has arrived … Ladies and gentlemen, won’t you please welcome our ninth Big Blogger Evictee: Tyson!

[The audience gives Tyson a standing ovation. He politely declines and hands it back.]

Tyson: Hi Feral. Hi everyone!

Feral: Hi Tyson. Well, you’re out – and the first question I’ve got to ask you is this: What’s with saying goodbye to everyone as if they’re Javatari?

Tyson: Oh, that was kind of a had-to-be-there between Gav and myself.

Feral: But we were there, and we still didn’t understand it!

Tyson: Haha, yeah, I guess you were! Um … I called someone Javatari by accident after their eviction one week. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and it just came out.

Feral: Yes, I remember. It was for LittleFaerieGirl’s eviction.

Tyson: Right. Well, after that, Gav asked me if I’d called her Javatari by mistake, and I realised I had.

Feral: How do you call LittleFaerieGirl Javatari?

Tyson: I wish I knew. Just tired, I suppose.

Feral: Alright, well you and Gav certainly seemed to be amusing yourselves every time you said it from that point on …

Tyson: [Giggling] Yeah, we found it especially funny. I don’t think anyone else did, but we sure did.

Feral: Hopefully Javatari himself doesn’t mind.

Tyson: Ooh, yeah – I hadn’t thought of that! [He begins to look worried that he may have pissed off a man with apparent supernatural powers.]

Feral: Well, let me just say that you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils tonight, and he’ll be showing you who nominated you.

Tyson: Oh, okay. Nice one.

Feral: But before we do anything else, we’re going to take a look at your votes. Now you don’t know this, but Big Blogger readers can both ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’.

Tyson: Oh, right. Tricky! [A graph appears on the screen. Feral frowns at it.]

Feral: And there it is. [She quickly changes the topic.] So who wants some prizes?

Tyson: [Playing along] Oh! Me! Me! Me!

Feral: Alrighty then. Here they are; two pieces of chalk and some tweezers.

[Audience cheers. Tyson doesn’t say anything because he’s too ‘stunned’ by his ‘prizes’. His eyebrows remain raised in silent astonishment.]

Feral: Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Nine, Tyson!

[Audience applauds as Tyson leaves the stage smiling and waving to the audience.]

Feral: Phew! Okay, that’s it for another week. Remember, there are many more surprises in store for us all over the coming weeks, starting with the massive triple eviction next Wednesday. I hope you can join me then. I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where the girls now outnumber the guys eight to three. “Them’s good odds!” Good night!

[Audience runs screaming for the exits.]

Mike: [Voice over] Who’ll be our lucky tenth evicted Housemate? Tune in next week to find out! You’ll also see our eleventh and twelfth evicted Housemates as well! All for the price of one! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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