Big Blogger - Week 8: Triple Eviction

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[The audience lets Feral know that she’s loved by at least a handful of people worldwide as she walks out onto stage.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – Week 8. We’re not far from the end, now. Big Blogger as you know it will cease to exist. But at least our Executive Producer will be able to recapture between four and eight hours of his week once it’s over!

[Audience cheers like it knows what she’s talking about. Feral turns to face another camera and takes on a softer tone, much like Kleenex toilet tissue.]

Feral: But as I keep warning you; Big Blogger still has plenty of surprises in store for us all. And for the Housemates, those surprises start tonight!

[Audience cheers again. Don’t their voices ever give out?]

Feral: Tonight it’s Big Blogger’s FIRST EVER triple eviction! That’s right, three of your favourites will be sent packing from the Big Blogger House this evening, and the Housemates have no idea! No one is safe, so will we see three of the new Intruders being evicted after so short a time in the House? Or will it be three original Housemates? Maybe it’ll be a mix? The only thing I can tell you for sure, is that nothing is for sure!

[Audience is still going nuts.]

Feral: And then on the weekend we’ll have our very last weekend special episode, so make sure you come back and catch that one, as well. I can’t tell you anything more about that until the weekend, so you’ll just have to pop back to see what that’s all about. I can tell you this: You won’t want to miss it.

[Audience continues to cheer.]

Feral: Okay, I think I’ve plugged that enough; let’s get on with the show. As you know, I’ll be joined in just a few moments by last week’s evictee, but before we do that, we of course need to have a look and see what happened in the House last week after Tyson’s shock eviction.

[Cut to video footage of the House immediately after Tyson was evicted last Wednesday night. The Housemates are still facing the door.]

Steph: [Breaking the silence, because she always likes to be the one to do that] Wow. [Pause.] I, um. I really think I’m gonna miss him.

Gav: Me too.

Steph: [She looks at him strangely] In a different way, I hope.

Gav: Nah, as friends. [Beat.] Why? Are you gonna miss him in another way?

Steph: [Caught off guard] Ah, no – of course not! Haha. Um.

[We see that Sublime-ation has sat down and put her head in her hands. She is not responding to Enny, who is trying to talk to her.]

Enny: Hey, wassup, yo? [Pause.] It’s okay, sweetie. [Pause.] I didn’t realise you were even that close to him.

Sublime-ation: [Lifting her head, allowing us to see that she is bawling] I was! But I wasn’t! Oh, why didn’t I get to know him better while he was still here! [She breaks down.]

Elaine: Hey, Subby … you were that into him, eh?

[Sublime-ation nods, but does not lift her head from her hands.]

MelbourneGirl: Do you want a cuppa? [Silence. Eventually, Sublime-ation nods.] I’ll make you a cuppa. [She exits to the kitchen.]

[RichardWatts, who isn’t talking to anyone, takes the opportunity of slipping away to the bedroom to be on his own while everyone else is being distracted by Sublime-ation crying.]

Pomgirl: [Sitting down next to Sublime-ation and awkwardly patting her on the shoulder. She is clearly trying to be nice] There there, Sublime-ation. You’ll see him soon, eh? Then you can tell him all about how you feel.

[The other Housemates are looking at each other, wide-eyed. Is Pomgirl actually being pleasant to someone? After a moment, Sublime-ation looks up at Pomgirl in equal surprise.]

Sublime-ation: [Through her tears] Uh, thanks, Pomgirl.

Pomgirl: [Feeling all eyes on her now] That’s, er, no problem. [She gets up and leaves the room. MelbourneGirl comes back in.]

MelbourneGirl: Subby, honey, do you take it with milk or sugar?

Magical_M: You won’t believe what you just missed! Pomgirl was nice to Subby!

MelbourneGirl: [Scoffing good-naturedly; clearly she thinks Magical_M is joking] Yeah, right. [There is a pause while MelbourneGirl registers the shock on everyone’s faces, including Sublime-ation’s.] What, really?

[Cut to the spa later that evening, the steam from the heat making it difficult to see anyone. All Housemates are present in the spa except for RichardWatts.]

Gav: I’d like to propose a toast. [He raises his glass and the other Housemates do the same.] To Javatari!

[The other Housemates laugh.]

Housemates: To Javatari!

Gav: May you catch up with Tyson on the outside and give him our best. [He looks around to the others.] I figure he can probably hear us through his magical skills and pass the message on. [He grins cheekily.]

[The Housemates drink, then pause reflectively. Sublime-ation sniffles. She is still upset, but is keeping her chin up.]

Mars: Where’s RichardWatts? Isn’t he going to join us?

TOBYtoby: Hmm, we’ve never had someone miss a farewell spa before. That’s weird.

Steph: I’ve noticed he’s been a little strange recently. Has anybody else noticed that?

[The Housemates generally agree with that observation.]

Magical_M: Maybe he’s just upset since Tammiodo, LittleFaerieGirl and Dxxxx were evicted. He was pretty close to them. They were his fellow Intruders and Team Fag Dag, after all.

Steph: [Not convinced] Mmm, I think it’s more than that. [She comes to a decision.] I’m gonna go talk to him. [She gets out of the spa.]

Gav: Okay, but I’ll keep your spot warm for you!

[Extra bubbles pop up on the surface of the water next to Gav.]

Enny: Ewww! Gav!

[Cut to Steph entering the House from the backyard. We follow her as she walks through the kitchen to the bedroom, looking around for RichardWatts. When she enters the bedroom, we see RichardWatts lying on his back on top of his bed, throwing last week’s foil ball up into the air and catching it again. He appears to be in deep thought. Not for long, though.]

Steph: Whatcha doin’?

RichardWatts: [Irritated by her presence] Nothing.

Steph: [Sitting on the edge of his bed] Why aren’t you joining us for our spa?

RichardWatts: I just don’t feel like it.

Steph: Yeah, but it’s our weekly tradition!

RichardWatts: So? It’s your weekly tradition. I wasn’t around when that decision was made, so I don’t think I have to abide by it.

[Pause.]

Steph: It’s not a rule, RichardWatts. No one has to abide by it.

RichardWatts: [Getting angrier] So why’d you come in here to demand why I’m not out there with the rest of you?

Steph: I didn’t. I came to see if you were alright. We noticed you were missing, that’s all.

RichardWatts: Yeah, sure. You came in here to put the hard word on me to play along with your stupid games.

Steph: [She’s had enough] Oh, screw you, dude. I did not. If you’re gonna continue being a tool, that’s your business. I don’t know how much longer you’re gonna be in this House with that kind of attitude, but go ahead. Knock yourself out. The others think you’re missing Team Fag Dag, but I think it’s something else. You’ve been acting like a spoilt brat ever since the new Intruders came in here, so I think you reckon they stole your spotlight or something.

[RichardWatts blinks at her in surprise. Not only has he underestimated her, but her raised voice was unexpected.]

Steph: Well, you know what? That’s just <BEEP>in’ stupid. Who cares about what ‘position’ you have in the House? You’re just here to have a good time, and if the public likes you, they’ll keep you in here to continue having a good time! If you act like a baby, they’ll vote you out and then it’s back to your boring life of reviewing gay films or whatever it is you do. [She gets up off the bed.] It’s your choice, dude. Either snap out of it and bring back the cheery RichardWatts we know and love, or keep up this spoilt child act until you get voted out and we all celebrate by taking the piss. It’s up to you.

[Steph exits the bedroom and leaves RichardWatts staring after her, still very much surprised.]

[Cut to the spa.]

Mars: [To Elaine] You would not!

Elaine: I would! They’d never see it coming, either.

Mars: I don’t believe you.

Elaine: You can believe what you want, honey, but I’m telling you the truth.

Gav: [Spying Steph returning] Aha! So how’d it go? Is he gonna join us?

Steph: [Still coming down from her tirade] I doubt it. What a tosser. [She reclaims her spot in the spa next to Gav.] What’s that smell?

TOBYtoby: Did he say what was wrong?

Steph: Not really, but I told him to pull his finger out.

Gav: [Startled] Where’d he have his finger?!!

Magical_M: [To MelbourneGirl] Maybe we should go talk to him?

MelbourneGirl: What would we say?

Magical_M: I dunno, maybe he’s feeling lonely. We haven’t really spent much time with him lately.

MelbourneGirl: He hasn’t spent much time with us either, though.

Magical_M: Yeah, but …

MelbourneGirl: Anyway, I don’t think it matters anymore.

Magical: Why not?

[MelbourneGirl nods towards the House. The other Housemates turn around and see RichardWatts, now dressed solely in his budgie-smugglers, approaching the spa.]

RichardWatts: Hey. Is there room enough for one more?

Magical_M: Yay! RichardWatts! [The other Housemates cheer and generally make RichardWatts feel welcome. He grins at them, then catches Steph’s eye. She is looking wise beyond her years. (But don’t worry; it won’t last.) RichardWatts gets in and picks up a spare drink.]

RichardWatts: I’d like to propose a toast. To dear friends, old and new.

Housemates: [Raising their glasses] To dear friends, old and new!

[The Housemates drink.]

[Cut back to Feral in the studio. The audience is clearly affected by that touching moment they’ve just witnessed.]

Feral: Aww, how sweet. I’m a little surprised at Steph, though. I didn’t realise she had more than half a brain in her head!

[The audience agrees. Steph really has come across as a dumb blonde.]

Feral: Alright, then. It’s time to touch base with Steph former beau, Tyson. Please put your hands together for him as he joins me on stage right now!

[The audience performs somersaults as Tyson enters, waving and smiling.]

Tyson: Hi Feral.

Feral: Hello, Tyson. What have you been up to this week?

Tyson: Oh, the usual. Answering thousands of different questions across hundreds of different interviews posed by scores of different reporters.

Feral: Sounds incredible!

Tyson: Yeah, it was great fun. I lied to them all.

[Audience laughs – he’s been misleading them all week, but they love him.]

Feral: Well, let me ask you something, now – and you’re not allowed to lie.

Tyson: Okay.

Feral: What do you miss most about the House?

Tyson: Probably the people. It was great fun getting it on with Steph back in the beginning, and then with Audrey & The Bad Apples after that. I also had a lot of great times with the guys; TOBYtoby initially, but then Gav more and more towards the end, there.

Feral: So those would be your closest friendships inside the House?

Tyson: Yeah, for sure.

Feral: Have you caught up with Audrey & The Bad Apples since you’ve been out?

Tyson: No, my agent hasn’t been able to get in contact with her agent, so things are taking some time.

Feral: Well, no matter. I’m sure you’ll be seeing each other soon.

[Audience gasps – was that a hint about this weekend’s special episode??]

Tyson: I hope we do; I’ve missed her a lot and I’m really hanging out to see her again.

Feral: I can see that.

[Tyson looks down. The audience laughs. Tyson zips up.]

Feral: One last thing before you go … who do you want to win Big Blogger?

Tyson: Wow, that’s a hard one. You just never know which way the audience is going to vote. I’d have to say that I’d be happy with any of the original Housemates winning. The Intruders have come in too late, in my opinion. It’s the regular Housemates who’ve put in the real hard yards. And they’re almost outnumbered by Intruders, now.

Feral: Are they? Let’s have a think about that. Magical_M, MelbourneGirl, Steph, Gav and TOBYtoby are original Housemates …

Tyson: And RichardWatts, Pomgirl, Elaine, Mars, Enny and Sublime-ation are ring-ins. Five to six. The original Housemates are losing ground fast.

Feral: That’s true. Well, that might all change tonight. Three people are coming out and we don’t know who they are yet.

Tyson: Well maybe I’d better get out of your way so you can get on with it!

Feral: I couldn’t have put it better myself. Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Tyson!

[Audience cheers for Tyson as he makes his way off stage.]

Feral: Alright, let’s not kid ourselves: This triple eviction is going to blow our Housemates’ minds! Let’s take a look back at the past week to see how far they’ve come and who’s up for nomination.

[Cut to footage of the Housemates in the kitchen on Thursday morning.]

Feral: [Voice over] It’s 9:49am, and the Housemates have just finished breakfast.

RichardWatts: [Addressing the whole group] Guys? I just wanna apologise to everyone for the way I’ve been acting lately. I know it was really childish and stupid, so to make up for it I’m offering to do all the housework for the week—

[The Housemates cheer and run for the backyard, leaving RichardWatts standing on his own in the kitchen next to a pile of dirty dishes.]

RichardWatts: [As the dust settles from the Housemates’ rapid departure] … so you can all go outside if you want …

[He rolls his eyes and begins to stack the dishes in the sink.]

[Cut to the backyard, where the Housemates are enjoying the sun. Pomgirl approaches the other girls, who are all laying about on deck chairs, soaking up the sun.]

Pomgirl: Hi girls.

Elaine: [Warily] Hey, Pomgirl.

Steph: What’s up?

Pomgirl: Um, I was just wondering if I could join you, perhaps? [Her tail is firmly between her legs. Metaphorically.]

Magical_M: Sure thing! Pull up a deck chair.

Pomgirl: Don’t you Aussies worry about skin cancer and stuff?

Steph: Nah, that’s the least of our worries. Anyway, by the time we get diagnosed with skin cancer, they’ll have found a cure for it. So why not get a good tan while you’re young and attractive? [She looks at Pomgirl.] Well, young, anyway.

[Pomgirl’s eyes flash with anger, then she sees Steph’s cheeky grin and realises she’s joking. She relaxes.]

Pomgirl: Aha, very good. Here, let me try: They might be able to cure you from skin cancer but how are they going to get rid of the leathery hide you’ll have all over your body from too much sun?

[There is an awkward pause.]

MelbourneGirl: [Assessing Pomgirl’s ability to poke fun] Yeah, needs a little work, but otherwise, that was a pretty good first attempt.

[The girls go back to silent sun bathing. Steph looks over to Pomgirl, then down at her own arms in concern.]

[Cut to later in the day. Enny and Mars are sitting at the outdoor table and chair set, discussing their fears.]

Mars: I have an irrational fear of possums. Not really ‘irrational’, though. They’re vicious little buggers. And I can’t handle mice or cockroaches.

Enny: Yeah, I hate most bugs. I also can’t stand heights. Can’t stand ‘em. And those rides at theme parks that take you up and down really fast? I can’t deal with that. Also, anything really fast. And lifts, the dark, big dogs, small spaces, surprises, new people, new situations …

Mars: <BEEP>, Enny! How do you survive?!!

Enny: I get by.

Mars: You’re also a vegan, aren’t you.

Enny: Yep.

Mars: So you don’t eat meat, milk, eggs, fish, … that sort of thing?

Enny: That’s right.

Mars: So you must really love vegetables!

Enny: Ooh, no. I can’t stand most veggies. Or beans.

Mars: So what do you eat?

Enny: Very little.

Mars: So it would seem.

Enny: I love chocolate biscuits, though.

Mars: But chocolate has dairy in it.

Enny: These are special vegan chocolate biscuits.

Mars: Oh, I see. [Pause.] So is there anything else?

Enny: Um, let’s see. Did I say conflict?

Mars: [Sighs] No.

Enny: Okay, conflict is something I really can’t stand.

Mars: [Under her breath] I don’t know how you’re going to cope in here! …

Feral: [Voice over] But just twenty minutes later, Mars & Enny were chatting away like old friends.

[Cut to twenty minutes later. Enny and Mars are still talking. They are now also laughing, with Mars’ earlier problems with Enny completely forgotten.]

Mars: Well, I just hate tomato!

Enny: Yes! Isn’t it awful?!

Mars: Totally disgusting. Just the texture and the – ewww!

Enny: Say no more!

Mars: And anyone who’s inconsiderate of other people.

Enny: Oh! They’re the worst!

Mars: I know!

Enny: Erm, … are you gay?

Mars: [All the wind taken out of her sails; flatly:] No.

[Beat.]

Enny: Cool. Neither am I. I just wanted to check.

Mars: Okaaaaaay …

Enny: So what else is there to know about you?

Mars: I’ll tell ya something I’d sure like to know about me.

Enny: Yeah? What’s that?

Mars: Why everyone thinks I’m gay.

Feral: [Voice over] The following night, all of the Housemates were dressed up and ready to play Friday Night Live.

[Cut to the bedroom, where all the Housemates are dressed up as construction workers and wearing yellow construction helmets.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, welcome to Friday Night Live. The theme for this Friday Night Live is … Home Renovations. This week the games will be held in memory of Sally Weir.

[The Housemates react in confused silence at this news.]

TOBYtoby: Okay, are we meant to know who that is?

Big Blogger: Sally Weir was the sister of radio and TV personality James Brayshaw.

Magical_M: Wow – another death?

MelbourneGirl: I hate James Brayshaw, but I wouldn’t wish a family tragedy on him.

Gav: It’s not exactly a celebrity death, though, is it. It’s a bit of a tenuous link to say that this is someone we should know or care about.

TOBYtoby: Either way, I still don’t believe that all these deaths we’re hearing about really happened.

Pomgirl: Who’s James Brayshaw?

[While we hear Big Blogger continue, we are shown various clips of the Housemates competing in games and tasks involving miniature construction props, unknown messy substances, and a trophy at the end for the winner.]

Big Blogger: Housemates will begin in teams, but there will be only one winner. The last remaining Housemate will win four prizes; the Friday Night Live trophy, the right to affect nominations, two nights in the Rewards Room with a Housemate of your choice, and the three boxes. Housemates, prepare to build. RichardWatts, Magical_M, Elaine, MelbourneGirl … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare to construct. Steph, Pomgirl, Mars, Sublime-ation … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. TOBYtoby, Gav, Enny, tonight’s winner will be the Housemate who can use all the pieces provided to put a children’s cubby house together in the fasted time. All pieces must be used in the construction of your cubby house. Prepare to go to work. Enny, you are the winner of Friday Night Live. Congratulations. Approach the winner’s podium and collect your trophy. Losing Housemates, celebrate your champion.

Enny: Hooray for me! [She laughs as everyone surrounds her. She holds her trophy – a miniature golden hammer on a block of wood – above her head.]

[Cut to footage of the Friday Night Live desk.]

Mike: This isn’t really a week I thought a girl would win Friday Night Live, but perhaps I’m just being unfairly sexist.

Whee Um-ah: I’d say so, Mike.

Mike: What do you think, Ditzy?

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: I reckon a pack o’ women should make me ma' dinner an’ ‘at.

Mike: Well said.

[Cut to Enny in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Enny, who do you choose to take to the Rewards Room, and why?

Enny: Um, I choose Mars to come with me to the Rewards Room, please, Big Blogger. She and I really hit it off yesterday and neither of us have been in there before, so it should be fun. Also, I checked, and she’s not gay.

[Cut to Enny and Mars in the Rewards Room, facing the three boxes.]

Big Blogger: Enny, which box do you choose?

Enny: Box number two, thanks, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: You may open box number two now.

[She does so.]

Enny: [Reading off a card] “You have won The Best Of The AFL Footy Show on DVD.”

Mars: [Laughing] Boy, that sounds exciting! [They both laugh.]

Big Blogger: Enny, the DVD is yours to keep.

Enny: Thanks heaps for that, Big Blogger!

Big Blogger: You may check the other boxes now.

Enny: [Opening box one and reading off a card] “You have won a brand new dress valued at $1,000.” Whoa! That’s a pretty good dress!

Mars: That sucks.

Enny: [Opening box three and reading off a card] “You have won an all-expenses-paid overseas trip to Tokyo.”

Mars: Wow, have you wanted to go to Tokyo?

Enny: Only forever! Far out, it’s hard to know what I could have won!

[Cut to Pomgirl and TOBYtoby sitting together in the backyard at night.]

TOBYtoby: You know, the two of us are funny.

Pomgirl: How so?

TOBYtoby: We were both considered the ‘bad guys’ at some point in the show, but I like to think we’ve redeemed ourselves somewhat.

Pomgirl: [Thinks about it, then:] Yeah, I guess you’re right about that.

TOBYtoby: For the first time in a long time, I’m actually happy and relaxed about being in here. I don’t feel as though I have to prove myself to anyone, or play any mind games. And I’m not concerned about you not fitting in with everyone else, either.

Pomgirl: You were worried about me fitting in?

TOBYtoby: [Sensing that he may be in trouble for that one] Not in a bad way; I just mean that the others were giving you a hard time for a while there, and it had me worried for you—

[But he gets no further because Pomgirl plants a big long kiss on him. We watch them kissing for a while before cutting away.]

Feral: [Voice over] Elsewhere in the House, some other Housemates were seeking refuge in each other.

[Cut to Steph and Sublime-ation sitting together in the bedroom. Sublime-ation is sniffling and Steph is comforting her.]

Steph: What’s the matter, babe?

Sublime-ation: I just really miss Tyson.

Steph: Yeah?

Sublime-ation: Yep. He seemed like such a great guy. I didn’t realise how great a guy he was until he was gone. I really miss companionship and was hoping he and I would kind of … you know … hit it off.

Steph: [Hugging her] I know, honey, I know. [There is a long pause.] You know what I find helpful when I feel like that?

Sublime-ation: What?

Steph: A bit of fun.

Sublime-ation: “Fun”?

Steph: Yeah, you know … fun. The kind of fun just us girls understand. It doesn’t mean anything, but it sure keeps the blues at bay.

[Sublime-ation breaks the hug at looks at her dubiously.]

Steph: I’ve had a girly crush on your for ages, you know.

Sublime-ation: Are you serious?

Steph: Sure am!

Sublime-ation: Um, I’m not so sure …

Steph: C’mon, what have you got to lose? It’ll cheer you up and make us both feel good.

Sublime-ation: But what about Gav?

Steph: Pfft. What he doesn’t know what hurt him.

Sublime-ation: Um, this is really weird.

Steph: Don’t think about it like that. Just relax and go with it. You’ll love it, I promise you.

[Sublime-ation doesn’t know what to say.]

[Cut to Gav, who is blissfully walking through the House, from the lounge to the dining room to the kitchen. He greets people as he passes them.]

Gav: Hey, guys.

Magical_M: Hey, Gav.

MelbourneGirl: Hi Gav.

Gav: You seen Steph?

MelbourneGirl: Um, no. I’m not sure where she is.

Gav: Cool. [He keeps walking, whistling happily to himself as he enters the dining room.] Hi, RichardWatts. Whatcha doing?

RichardWatts: [Sleeves rolled up and painstakingly polishing all the cutlery] Just busy with all the housework …

Gav: Right, of course. Hey, do you know where Steph is?

RichardWatts: Last I saw, she, Elaine and Sublime-ation were in the kitchen.

Gav: Thanks. Nice work, there.

RichardWatts: [Flatly] Thanks.

[Gav heads into the kitchen and finds Elaine making herself a sandwich.]

Gav: [Playfully] Wow, that looks great! You making one for everyone?!

Elaine: Nope, you can get your own – this is my evening snack!

RichardWatts: [Calling out from the next room] You’re not making more dirty dishes for me to clean, are you?!

Elaine: Whoops!

Gav: [Laughing, as he heads for the bedroom door] Uh-oh! He’s onto you! [He opens the bedroom door and we see him look into the room. For a second he looks puzzled, then his face breaks up into an expression of abject horror.] WHA?!?

[The camera stays focused on Gav’s frozen look of fright and panic, but we hear various rushed scrambling noises from inside the bedroom.]

Gav: How could you … ? What are you … ? Wha … ? [His eyes begin to water.]

Steph: [Calling out to him from inside the bedroom] Gav, honey, it’s not what you think!

Gav: Aghhhh! [He slams the bedroom door shut and runs to the bathroom, only barely able to keep himself together.]

[Steph emerges from the bedroom, her hair, make-up and clothes all mussed up a little. She sees Gav disappear into the bathroom, then notices Elaine, RichardWatts, Magical_M and MelbourneGirl all looking at her in disbelief. She returns to the bedroom and closes the door behind her. A few seconds later, Sublime-ation exits the bedroom and strides past the others into the Diary Room. The others watch her go with sympathetic glances, but don’t know what to make of Steph. Cut to Gav, sitting under a running shower – fully clothed – crying his heart out. He is devastated.]

Feral: [Voice over] The following day, the Housemates were called to the Diary Room to place their weekly nominations.

[Cut to the lounge. The Housemates are all gathered together on the couch. Gav is not meeting anyone’s gaze. He sits at one end of the line while Steph sits at the other end. She is having trouble catching anyone’s eye as well. Sublime-ation sits right in the middle of the line, surrounded by the other Intruders, and is having similar problems looking anyone in the eye.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. This week, the new Intruders have officially become Housemates. This means they can both nominate, and be nominated. Housemates. It’s time to nominate. Sublime-ation, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where we see quick flashes of some Housemates’ nominations.]

Big Blogger: Sublime-ation, who do you nominate for two points for aviction, and why?

Sublime-ation: For two points I’ll nominate Pomgirl, Big Blogger.

Mars: RichardWatts.

Steph: Elaine.

MelbourneGirl: Steph.

TOBYtoby: RichardWatts.

Enny: TOBYtoby.

Magical_M: Pomgirl.

Pomgirl: Magical_M.

Gav: Steph.

Elaine: Pomgirl.

[Cut to the lounge. All Housemates are assembled on the couch, awaiting Big Blogger’s first nominations announcement.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. This week's nominated Housemates are: Magical_M … and … Steph … and … RichardWatts.

[The Housemates react with shock at this news.]

Big Blogger: Enny, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Enny, as winner of Friday Night Live, you will now exercise the most important part of your prize. Who do you wish to deduct three points from, and why.

Enny: I’ll take the three points from Magical_M, Big Blogger. I think she’s an ace girl and I’d like to give her a break for a week if I can.

Big Blogger. Go back to the lounge and say nothing of this to your Housemates.

[Cut back to the lounge. Enny takes her seat.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The Housemates up for aviction this week are … Pomgirl … and … RichardWatts … and … Steph … and … TOBYtoby … and … Elaine … and … Magical_M. That is all.

[Gav immediately gets up and strides away to be alone. He is clearly still upset.]

Steph: Gee, I can’t believe so many of us are up.

Pomgirl: <BEEP>!

TOBYtoby: Six names? That’s a lot of people! More than half of us are nominated!

Enny: I don’t know what happened, there. Sorry guys. I had no idea I’d be putting six people up, somehow!

RichardWatts: Don’t sweat it – you can never tell with these things.

MelbourneGirl: [To Magical_M] Poor Gav, he’s so cut up about this Steph thing.

Magical_M: Yeah.

MelbourneGirl: It’s gonna be a really weird week if they’re both still here next week and it’s not resolved.

Magical_M: Don’t even think about it! That’s gonna be impossible!

Feral: [Voice over] So although the Housemates don’t know it, six nominations mean that three Housemates are going to be evicted. Who will go? TOBYtoby? Magical_M? Pomgirl? Steph? RichardWatts? Or newcomer Elaine?

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is cheering until the cows come home, which they do, but the audience doesn’t realise it because they’re in the studio.]

Feral: Boy oh boy, what a crazy week! It never ceases to amaze me just how much craziness those Housemates continue to get up to. But the big question is, who’s gotten on your nerves enough this week for you to vote them out of the House? And who earned your trust and had you voting to save them? Will tonight finally be the night for Magical_M? [The audience cheers in support of Magical_M.] Will it be curtains for TOBYtoby? [The audience cheers in support of TOBYtoby.] Will it be Pomgirl’s turn to bow out of the competition? [The audience cheers in support of Pomgirl.] How about RichardWatts? Has he done his dash this week? [The audience cheers in support of RichardWatts.] Maybe the only new Intruder in the bunch, Elaine, is the one most likely to take a tumble? [The audience cheers in support of Elaine.] Or what about perennial favourite Steph? [The audience cheers in support of Steph.] Well, there’s only one way to find out: Let’s head down to the House for Big Blogger’s big announcement.

[Cut to live footage of the Housemates all lined up on the couch, the six in the middle looking more nervous than the others. The audience starts cheering yet again.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Yowzers! / Hello Feral / Hi there / etc.

Feral: Six nominated Housemates! What do you make of it, TOBYtoby? [Audience cheers for TOBYtoby.]

TOBYtoby: Aw, man – I knew you’d ask me first!

Feral: Gotta start somewhere!

TOBYtoby: Yeah, I know. Um, I think it’s been a real test of character for those of us who are nominated, but at the same time, having six people nommed makes the odds a little easier.

Feral: Well how about you, Elaine? [Audience cheers for Elaine.] This is your first time nominated, and you’re the only one out of the new Intruders to even be nominated. How has it been for you?

Elaine: Um, it’s been pretty hard, actually. I just know I’m going tonight, because the others have all been in here since the beginning. Well, most of them.

Feral: That’s right, not all of them are original Housemates. In fact, let’s talk to Pomgirl next. [Audience cheers for Pomgirl.]

Pomgirl: Hi Feral.

Feral: You’re not an original Housemate, either. How does it feel to be nominated with five others?

Pomgirl: Well, I think it’s like TOBYtoby said, it makes it a little easier for those of us who’ve been there because it widens the range of possible evictees. But I don’t want to go tonight! I think I’m going to, but I want the chance to get to know everyone else in the House a bit better now that I’m behaving myself! And I want to stay in here with TOBYtoby until the very end!

Feral: Well, you’ll just have to see how you go, won’t you. Who’s next? Let’s talk to RichardWatts. [Audience cheers for RichardWatts.]

RichardWatts: Hi there, Feral.

Feral: From one non-original Housemate to another; tell me, RichardWatts, if you were to go tonight, are you happy with your time in the House?

RichardWatts: Oh, man – absolutely! I’ve had such a ball in this place. I’ve had my ups and downs, but all-in-all it’s been an absolute cracker.

Feral: Glad to hear it. Moving right along, where’s Steph? [Audience cheers for Steph.]

Steph: Here I am.

Feral: Are you nervous tonight?

Steph: I am, actually. After the last few days. I’ve been a bit of a social outcast, and it’s been a very weird feeling for me. [Cut to a quick shot of Gav looking pained but still staring at the floor.]

Feral: What’s that old saying about reaping what we sow?

Steph: I dunno, I’m not a farmer.

Feral: [Beat] Fair enough. And finally that brings me to Magical_M. [Audience cheers for Magical_M.] I almost have nothing left I can say to you!

Magical_M: Yeah, I know.

Feral: But how are you? Are you well?

Magical_M: Yes thanks, Feral. I hope I stay tonight, but I have a funny feeling my luck could be about to change …

Feral: Well, there’s only one way to find out. Good luck everyone, I’m being handed the envelope now.

Nominated Housemates: Thanks, Feral / cheers / thank you / etc.

Feral: Okay … [The audience stops breathing.] Here we are … It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, TOBYtoby!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

TOBYtoby: [Standing up.] There we go, then.

Pomgirl: No! No, no, no, no, no, no! [She hugs him and doesn’t let him go.]

Gav: [Softly] Sorry to see you go, man. [They shake hands, despite Pomgirl’s death grip around TOBYtoby’s torso.]

TOBYtoby: Honey, you’ve gotta let me go.

Pomgirl: [Releasing him] Well I wanna come too.

TOBYtoby: You can’t do that. You’ve gotta stay here and try to win.

Pomgirl: But I don’t wanna be here if you’re not! We were just getting … close!

TOBYtoby: And we’ll stay close when you eventually get out! But don’t go wishing an early eviction on yourself!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. TOBYtoby, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

TOBYtoby: Okay, I gotta do the rounds real quickly. Bye Magical_M, I’m glad you weren’t evicted tonight.

Magical_M: Bye, TOBYtoby. I can’t believe I’m still here!

Elaine: We’ll see you on the outside eventually, eh?

TOBYtoby: Exactly. Have a great time in here.

RichardWatts: See ya, mate.

Enny: It was cool getting to know you.

Sublime-ation: Bye, TOBYtoby.

MelbourneGirl: See ya later!

Mars: Bye!

Steph: Good-bye, TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: See you all soon!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. TOBYtoby, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

[TOBYtoby walks up to the Diary Room door, which opens for him. He steps through the doorway and the door closes behind him.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: One down, two to go. Let’s jump right back to the House and evict our next unlucky Housemate!

[Cut back to the House. The Housemates are all still facing the Diary Room door. Pomgirl is near tears.]

Feral: Hello House.

[The Housemates jump in surprise.]

Magical_M: Oh no. It’s a double. That means I’m going for sure.

Pomgirl: Oh, pick me! Pick me!

[The Housemates settle back down on the couch.]

Feral: It’s time for the second eviction of the night. Is everyone ready?

Housemates: Yeah / yes / okay / etc.

Feral: Good luck again, everyone. I’ve got the second envelope in my hand already, so here we go. [The audience releases the breath it was still holding from TOBYtoby’s eviction, and starts breathing again.] Here we go … It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, RichardWatts!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

RichardWatts: [Standing up.] That’s me done.

Pomgirl: No! I’m the one who wants to go!

RichardWatts: It doesn’t work like that. See ya round, everyone.

Steph: See ya, RichardWatts.

Enny: Bye.

Sublime-ation: It was really cool getting to know you.

Mars: Thanks for all your hard work this week, man.

RichardWatts: No problem.

Gav: [Softly] See you on the outside.

RichardWatts: Absolutely.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. RichardWatts, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

RichardWatts: They’re playing my song!

Magical_M: Bye, RichardWatts. Your eviction is going to be hard to take.

RichardWatts: Aww, thanks, sweetie!

Elaine: Bye, RichardWatts. Have a great night partying.

RichardWatts: Oh, I will! I will!

MelbourneGirl: You really brightened up the place. We’ll miss you.

RichardWatts: Thanks, MG.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. RichardWatts, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

[RichardWatts walks up to the Diary Room door, which opens for him. He steps through the doorway and the door closes behind him.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: That’s two, and while they make their way up here to join me on stage, let’s jump straight back to the House and not give them a moment’s rest before we launch the third part of this triple assault on them.

[Cut back to the House. The Housemates are all still facing the Diary Room door. They all really do look a bit shell-shocked.]

Steph: I wonder if there’s gonna be a thir—

Feral: Hello House.

[The Housemates jump in surprise.]

Steph: Agh! I knew it!

Magical_M: What is going on, here?!

[The Housemates settle back down on the couch.]

Feral: It’s time for the third and final eviction of the night. Are you all ready?

Housemates: Not really / this is intense / I can’t believe this / yeah, okay / let’s just get this over with / etc.

Feral: Good luck once more, everyone. Here’s the third envelope. Here we go. [The audience forgets what it was up to in regards to breathing, so everyone just pretty much does whatever they want to do.] It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Steph!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

Steph: [Standing up.] <BEEP>!

Pomgirl: Ah, crap. Of all the weeks to avoid eviction!

[Gav gets up and quietly leaves the room. That’s all he wanted to hear.]

Magical_M: This is crazy! See ya, Steph. I can’t believe another one of us is gone.

Steph: Ah, well. I understand why I was voted out, so fair enough.

MelbourneGirl: Have a great time partying!

Steph: [Laughing] You know I will!

Pomgirl: See ya, Steph.

Enny: Bye Stephie.

Steph: See ya, everyone!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Steph, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Mars: The House is going to be so dull without you in it!

Steph: Ah, well. You’ll just have to brighten it up a bit, won’t you!

Mars: I guess so!

Sublime-ation: Um, see ya. [It gets weird and awkward.]

Steph: Yeah.

Elaine: I don’t know why you’ve been evicted and I’m still in here, but I’m sorry.

Steph: Don’t apologise! Make the most of it! Relax, enjoy, have a great time!

Elaine: I will. [She smiles.]

[Steph looks around for Gav but realises he’s already left the room. She looks disappointed.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Steph, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

[Steph walks up to the Diary Room door, which opens for her. She steps through the doorway and the door closes behind her.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: There we have it! TOBYtoby, RichardWatts and Steph have been evicted in tonight’s amazing triple eviction. And as they make their way up here onto stage, I’m gonna quickly tell you what’s going on over the weekend and why it’s gonna be such a groundbreaking twist. For the first time in Big Blogger history, we’re going to sen—

[Suddenly, a Big Blogger Ninja runs out on to stage, distracting Feral. He whispers something in her ear and they spend a few seconds communicating with each other in a highly animated state.]

Feral: Really? He said that?

[The Ninja nods.]

Feral: Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been informed that if I finish that sentence about this coming weekend’s special “twist” episode, Big Blogger will personally come over to my house and “75) 1{5(%#5 %$ #\ 1*(5”.

Ninja: Whoa! [He scampers off stage.]

Feral: Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because here they are! In order of most to least amounts of apparent public loathing, our tenth, eleventh and twelfth Big Blogger Evictees: TOBYtoby, RichardWatts and Steph!

[The audience applauds in a mad frenzy as TOBYtoby, RichardWatts and a rather puffed Steph – who must have run all the way to get there so quickly – walk on stage. They all sit on the couch with Feral.]

Feral: Welcome back to the real world!

Steph: Thanks, Feral.

TOBYtoby: It’s so weird being out here again.

RichardWatts: Ha! [He waves into the crowd and they wave back.] I love it!

Feral: We’re running short on time, so I’ll just ask each of you one question. I’ll start with you, TOBYtoby. How did you feel about the Insider tasks?

TOBYtoby: Oh, I didn’t like being forced into becoming someone I wasn’t, and being judged by the public on these nasty things I had to do in order to survive in the House, but at the same time, it was a lot of fun and I hope there was no leftover resentment for any of that.

Feral: Nice. And now RichardWatts. When you first found out that you weren’t the newest Intruder in the House, did you really think that was going to change anything?

RichardWatts: Yeah, I guess I felt really dejected and stuff, even though I probably had no reason to be. I’m pretty sure that’s why I’m sitting here with you now – because of how I carried on like a pork chop in the House for a while. I’m just glad I wasn’t like that until the end of my time in there, though. And I have this girl to thank for that. [He taps Steph on the knee.]

Feral: That brings me to my final question: Steph, what the hell did you think you were doing with Sublime-ation?! [Audience grumbles to show its disapproval of upsetting Gav.]

Steph: I wasn’t thinking straight, obviously. I’m really sorry if I made things worse for Subby, and I honestly didn’t mean to hurt Gav. But I can tell I did upset him, and I’m looking forward to apologising to him for that.

[The audience seems appeased by this, and suddenly they love Steph just as they always did.]

Feral: Fantastic. Well, the three of you are going to be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils tonight, and he’ll be showing each of you who nominated you.

TOBYtoby: Good stuff.

Feral: But now it’s my duty to have a look at your votes. Just so you know, the readers of Big Blogger can ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’ this year.

Steph: Cool! That’s really clever.

Feral: So here’s your votes. [A graph appears on the screen for each of the three evictees. Feral doesn’t even bother to look at it. As she continues to talk, it fades from the screen, lost in the mists of time forever.]

Feral: So now it’s time for prizes!

RichardWatts: Great!

Steph: Oooh! How fun! [She claps her hands in glee.]

Feral: So here they are; a packet of Gummi Bears to share between you, and a plastic curtain rail. Maybe you can have that one on a four-month rotation between each of your houses or something.

[Audience cheers. The three former Housemates can’t decide if Feral’s joking or not. They appear very unimpressed.]

Feral: Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Ten, TOBYtoby! And don’t forget about Evictee Number Eleven, RichardWatts! And finally, put your hands together for Evictee Number Twelve, Steph!

[Audience applauds as the three evictees leave the stage smiling and waving to the audience. They are carrying the curtain rail between them.]

Feral: [Exhales loudly] I thought we’d never get there. But here we are … at the end of the post at last. Those of you who skipped to the bottom to read who got evicted before probably just skimming the rest of the thing should know that I narrow my eyes at you menacingly. The Executive Producer of this show put in a whopping seven hours to produce this single episode. Even if you’re not looking forward to the end of Big Blogger (which we all expect you are), I know he sure is! But he’s made a commitment to you all, so he plans to see it through. Even if it runs into the arrival of a new addition to his family (in which case, everything may pause for a bit, but the show will go on). Anyway, I hope the ride was as enjoyable for you as it was slow and painful for me. Catch you all-too-soon on the weekend, when the massive secret final twist will be revealed, and then Big Blogger will get into its final two weeks. I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where all we have left is four Intruders, three original Housemates, and one international Special Guest … and of those, only one is male! Good night!

[Audience packs up and heads for the hills.]

Mike: [Voice over] What’s the twist that Big Blogger will be revealing this weekend? Please don’t guess, but make sure you come back to find out. And then next Wednesday, see who our Lucky Thirteenth Evictee will be! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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