Big Blogger - Week 9

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[The audience sends Feral an early Valentine’s Day card as she walks out onto stage.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – Week 9. Things are really beginning to wind up, now – and we’re about to enter an extremely busy week indeed. If you missed the weekend’s amazing special twist, go and read that before going any further, because otherwise you’re really not going to understand what’s going on in the House tonight!

[Audience nods in agreement. She really is talking very good sense right about now. Feral turns to face another camera and smiles condescendingly.]

Feral: That’s right, tonight we have our weekly wrap-up and eviction for Week 9, but as I indicated at the end of Saturday’s special twist episode, we’re running back-to-back mini episodes for almost an entire week – starting this Friday!

[Audience accidentally lets one rip out of pure excitement, then looks around as if it was someone else.]

Feral: With the exception of Thursdays and Mondays, which are the weekdays this network puts aside to air its regular reviews of TGYH and Australian Idol respectively, Big Blogger will be evicting one Housemate every day – including over the weekend – until the Big Blogger grand finale, which will air on Friday week, and feature all your former Housemates in a “spectacular-spectacular” you won’t want to miss!

[Audience cheers like its pants are on fire.]

Feral: And it all starts tonight … with an eviction that’s going to sting the Housemate concerned where it hurts the most. Or it will once they get out of the House and discover they were evicted just one week before the end! But before we get to tonight’s eviction, we have to catch up with last week’s evictee. But before we do that, we have to take a look at what happened in the House last week after the surprise triple eviction of TOBYtoby, RichardWatts and Steph.

[Cut to video footage of the House immediately after Steph was evicted last Wednesday night. The Housemates, apart from Gav (who has already left the room), are still facing the door. There is a long, long pause. Longer than any other week. Eventually Magical_M looks around at the others.]

Magical_M: Oh, that’s right. I was waiting for Steph to break the silence as she normally does, but I guess she can’t, anymore.

MelbourneGirl: Good point.

Elaine: And well made.

Mars: So what do we do now? Jump in the spa?

Magical_M: Yep.

Enny: Maybe we should wait and see that there’s not gonna be another eviction!

MelbourneGirl: They’re not going to evict four people in one night.

Enny: Well, before this, I would’ve said the same thing about three people in one night!

MelbourneGirl: Yeah, but the difference is this has happened, now.

Sublime-ation: C’mon, let’s just go get in the spa. I’m dying to wash this icky feeling off me.

Mars: Ewww.

MelbourneGirl: Who wants a cuppa?

[Cut to the spa less than thirty minutes later. A caption on the screen reads: “Less than thirty minutes later …”, indicating that I’m not simply making this stuff up as I go along. There is so much steam from the hot water, that it’s causing low visibility for the cameras. All Housemates are present in the spa, although Gav in particular doesn’t look very cheerful.]

Mars: How weird is it with three Housemates missing at once?!

Enny: It’s bizarre.

Elaine: It’s never been this empty! Has it?

MelbourneGirl: I dunno, I can’t be bothered working it out. Every time we lose a couple of people, more Intruders or whatever get thrown in.

Pomgirl: I think this is the fewest people I’ve seen in here during my time in the House.

Sublime-ation: So we’re really starting to race through the numbers now, eh?

Elaine: It depends if they throw even more Intruders in!

Mars: They wouldn’t do that – would they?

Magical_M: The wouldn’t evict three people in one night, either!

Mars: Good point.

Elaine: And well made.

Pomgirl: [Trying to cheer him up] Hey, Gav! What’s it like being the only guy in a spa filled with women?!

Gav: [Mumbling] Mmm.

Enny: What was that?

Gav: [Unenthusiastic] Yeah, it’s good.

Elaine: “It’s good”?!?! What’s wrong with you, boy?!? Most guys’d kill to be in your position!

[Gav looks at Sublime-ation, flinches ever-so-slightly, and looks back into his lap.]

Gav: I think I’m gonna go inside now. [He does so. The others all watch him leave.]

Sublime-ation: I feel really bad. I think he’s upset with me.

MelbourneGirl: Nah, honey. He’s upset with Steph.

Magical_M: You did nothing wrong.

Sublime-ation: Yeah, but I’m a constant reminder to him about it, at least.

[There is a moment of thoughtful silence.]

Sublime-ation: I’m gonna go talk to him. [The others watch her get out of the spa and head into the House.]

Mars: I hope they can sort it out. Gav’s a great guy. I don’t want him being upset the rest of his time in here.

Elaine: I don’t want him bringing down the mood all the time, either!

Enny: Elaine!

Elaine: What? Tell me you weren’t thinking the same thing! Here we are, seven nubile young women, all sharing a spa with the guy, and all he can do is mope around and get out?! Something’s wrong with the guy, I’m tellin’ ya.

Enny: [Looking at her incredulously] I think I liked you better when you were a pirate.

[Cut to the bedroom. Gave is curled up in his bed, in the fetal position, as Sublime-ation enters the room and walks over to him.]

Sublime-ation: Gav?

[He pulls the blanket up to his ears, but she sits on the side of the bed and prevents him from being able to pull it up any further.]

Sublime-ation: Are you okay?

[Gav groans a roughly-affirmative response.]

Sublime-ation: [Pause] Listen, I just wanted to check that you and I are okay … and apologise if you’re upset with me or anything. I’m sorry for what happened with Steph, but I hope you’ll believe me when I say I didn’t know what was going on and I certainly didn’t mean to get in the way or anything.

Gav: [Lifting his head up to look at her] I know you didn’t. It’s alright.

[There is a pause.]

Sublime-ation: So what’s wrong? Are you upset with me?

Gav: No, not at all. Whenever I look at you, I see the image I have of walking into the room … but I’m not upset with you. [Pause.] It’s … it’s something else …

Sublime-ation: What?

[Pregnant pause.]

Gav: I wish Steph was here.

[The audience gasps at this revelation.]

Sublime-ation: Really?!?

Gav: Yeah. I don’t like that things ended the way they did, and I didn’t let her speak to me before she was evicted. I … I guess I’d like to have sorted it out with her, because … I think I’m in love with her.

[The audience goes ‘Awwwwww’. Sublime-ation’s eyes grow wide as she grins from ear to ear (the usual direction a grin takes). She gets excited for Gav.]

Sublime-ation: You are?!

Gav: [Grinning now despite himself] Yeah, I think so.

Sublime-ation: Oh, Gav – that’s great! [She hugs him, and he laughs.]

Gav: Yeah, it is, isn’t it!

Sublime-ation: [Breaking the hug and looking into his eyes] I can’t wait ‘til you guys are reunited! It’s gonna be so ace to watch you sort out your feelings and work things out!

Gav: Well, one step at a time. I have to deal with what happened, first. Then I’m gonna let her tell her side of the story, and then we’ll see if we can get past it.

Sublime-ation: Oooh, this is such great news! [She hugs him again.] It’s all gonna be okay, Gav – you’ll see!

Gav: I hope so. [But he’s happy, now – and that’s all we can ask for in this world, isn’t it? Happiness. And maybe a Cuban cigar.]

[Cut back to Feral in the studio. The audience is crying … the sooks.]

Feral: Well isn’t that lovely! I hope those crazy kids can work it out. And now we have a chance to hear from the other side of the fence when we catch up with our most recent evictees. Please welcome TOBYtoby, RichardWatts and Steph!

[The audience cheers as the three former Housemates walk on to stage and sit next to Feral on the couch.]

Feral: How are you all doing?

RichardWatts: Fine thank you.

TOBYtoby: I’m great.

Steph: [She has clearly been crying.] Good. [She laughs.]

Feral: Good? You look as though you’re upset. Was that the first time you’d seen that footage of Gav saying those things to Sublime-ation?

Steph: Yep. [She sniffles.] I thought he hated me. All week I thought he hated me. [She uses a tissue to dry her eyes and smiles at Feral through her hand.]

Feral: Well I have to ask; was it a good thing to hear him say, or are you scared now that he wants something you’re not ready for?

Steph: Oh, it’s good, it’s good. I’m very happy about that.

[Audience cheers – they have a love connection!]

Feral: So you’re in love with Gav as well?

Steph: [Looking taken aback] Oh, um … I’m not sure. I like him, so we’ll see how we go.

Feral: I think that’s fair enough.

Steph: Yep.

Feral: And RichardWatts, what have you been up to since you got out of the House?

RichardWatts: You mean aside from the regular media circuit and then the special Return to the House episode on the weekend?

Feral: Including that.

RichardWatts: Including that? Okay then. I’ve completed the regular media circuit and then appeared in the special Return to the House episode on the weekend.

Feral: Fascinating!

RichardWatts: Other than that, I’ve just been trying to dispel all the pre-conceived ideas about gay men and how this show has only gone to strengthen those unrealistic stereotypes.

Feral: Oopsie, have we? [She laughs.]

RichardWatts: [Straight-faced] Yep.

Feral: No need to cry over it, though. Do you need a tissue? Or have you already got one in your handbag? [She laughs.]

RichardWatts: [Unamused] Mmm. How clever of you.

Feral: Hehe, yeah. I’m pretty funny. Now, TOBYtoby. I bet you’ve had an interesting time since getting out of the House! How has the public taken to you, and did once being the Insider cause any problems for you on the outside?

TOBYtoby: Um, not really. I think people have been really cool with me about stuff.

Feral: Really?

TOBYtoby: You sound surprised.

Feral: I am!

TOBYtoby: Well, I’m actually a really nice guy. I’m smart, I’m attractive, I do really well at trivia nights …

Feral: Yeah, but you did some cruel and nasty stuff in the House.

TOBYtoby: Because Big Blogger told me to, yeah.

Feral: So there’s been no hate mail or anything?

TOBYtoby: Nope.

Feral: Man, we’re not doing our job properly! Okay, well all three of you were fantastic Housemates, and I’m sorry none of you were selected to re-enter the House on the weekend.

RichardWatts: That’s okay.

TOBYtoby: Fine with me.

Steph: Aww, now I really wish I’d gone back in!

Feral: Well, you all know that the finale is not very far away at all, so you’ll all be seeing the remaining Housemates soon enough. [She turns to the audience.] Let’s hear it for TOBYtoby, RichardWatts and Steph!

[Audience cheers for the three of them as they make their way off stage.]

Feral: Alright, let’s get into the final full week’s wrap-up episode. I can’t wait to see what happens next. And I already know!

[Cut to footage of all Housemates sharing the shower together on Thursday morning. They are all wearing pixilated underwear.]

Feral: [Voice over] It’s 10:08am, and the Housemates are enjoying a leisurely shower as a group.

Mars: Hey, Gav – tell me now that it’s not good to be the only guy left in the House!

[Gav’s face slowly breaks into a grin as she realises what she means.]

Gav: Hehe … yeah, it has its up-side …

[They all laugh.]

[Cut to later in the day. Most of the Housemates are outside, lazing about in the sun. Elaine and Pomgirl are in the kitchen, preparing lunch.]

Pomgirl: Do you think you’re going to be famous after this?

Elaine: Famous?

Pomgirl: Yeah.

Elaine: Well, I think I might get recognised on the street, but I’m not sure I’ll be invited to movie premieres or anything.

Pomgirl: But what if you were? Would you accept?

Elaine: What – movie premieres?

Pomgirl: Yeah.

Elaine: [Thinks about it a second] Maybe. Maybe not.

Pomgirl: Why not?!

Elaine: It’s just not my scene.

Pomgirl: What is your scene?

Elaine: Nightclubs and stuff. Spa parties. Pirate ships. You know, the usual.

Pomgirl: Nightclubs I can understand. Spa parties is a new one to me, but I’ve gotten used to them from our weekly post-eviction spa. And pirates ships? Forget it. But I reckon movie premieres are almost the same thing as nightclubs, except for the drinking. Both are indoors, night-time events with lots of people and probably representatives from the media there, taking your photo all the time.

Elaine: Yeah, maybe you’re right. [Pause.] But the media thing’d just piss me off, I reckon.

Pomgirl: Really? Wow, you’d better get used to it, babe. When I got out of the UK version of Big Blogger, I was hounded by the media the whole time. The only time it stopped was when I got on the plane to come out here. I just wish they’d told me how long the flight was.

Elaine: How long did you expect it to be?

Pomgirl: Two or three hours.

Elaine: Oh. [Pause.] But you won your version of Big Blogger, didn’t you?

Pomgirl: Yeah. So?

Elaine: Well, surely that would’ve made a difference to how much you got hounded by the press!

Pomgirl: Maybe.

Elaine: Plus, the British press is worse than the Aussie press.

Pomgirl: [Getting defensive] Says who?!

Elaine: Everyone! Anyone! It’s just common knowledge. [Pomgirl begins to scowl in anger.] Hey, don’t get upset with me; it’s your media!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Elaine. Pomgirl. For discussing previous versions of Big Blogger, that’s a five thousand dollar fine each.

Pomgirl: Good one, Elaine.

Elaine: Hey! You brought it up, not me!

Enny: [Entering the kitchen from outside] What’s going on, you guys? Are you crazy? We’ve had so many fines this past two weeks, we’ve really gotta watch it!

Elaine: Yes, thank you, Enny. We know that.

Enny: Well, … stop getting us fines, then!

Pomgirl: Shut up, Enny.

[Enny looks upset with this response and heads back outside in silence.]

Pomgirl: Stupid <BEEP>.

[Cut to Enny returning to her beach towel and lying down on it next to Sublime-ation, MelbourneGirl and Magical_M.]

Enny: Wow, they’re in a really bad mood.

Magical_M: What’d you expect? You ‘dared’ to tell them to keep a lid on it!

Enny: Yeah, but I’m only doing it so the winner can end up with more money than if they keep shooting their mouths off.

MelbourneGirl: I know, honey, but you just can’t tell some people.

Enny: Mmm. [They sit there reflecting on that for a moment.]

[Cut to Mars and Gav, swimming in the pool.]

Mars: Do you reckon you’ll win Big Blogger?

Gav: I dunno. Not really. It’s clear that the guys are being voted out en masse.

Mars: Yeah, but there were heaps more of us girls than there were guys in here, anyway.

Gav: True.

Mars: I don’t think I’m gonna win. Intruders never win.

Gav: Don’t say that. There’s a first time for everything. You might find that people really warm to your personality now that you’re in here. I think you’re great.

[He swims a few laps of the pool while Mars watches him. Then he stops swimming, dunks his head under the water to wet his hair and and comes back up again.]

Mars: Do you really think so?

Gav: Do I really think what?

Feral: [Voice over] The following night, the Housemates were dressed up and ready to play Friday Night Live.

[Cut to the bedroom, where all the Housemates are dressed up as different Muppets and wearing yellow construction helmets. (Hey! It’s MY show!) Magical_M is dressed as Miss Piggy (and she doesn’t look happy about it!), MelbourneGirl is dressed as Fozzie Bear, Mars is dressed as Gonzo, Sublime-ation is dressed as Rowlf, Elaine is dressed as Kermit, Gav is dressed as The Swedish Chef, Pomgirl is dressed as Scooter, and Enny is dressed as Animal. They all look really adorable.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, welcome to Friday Night Live. The theme for this Friday Night Live is … The Muppet Show.

Magical_M: [Deadpan] So no one died this week? How inconsiderate!

Pomgirl: What’s a Muppet?

Big Blogger: Housemates. This will be your final Friday Night Live.

[The Housemates react in shock and disappointment at this news.]

Big Blogger: Never before has winning Friday Night Live mattered so much. This is your last opportunity to win the prizes on offer, the respect of your fellow Housemates, and the adoration of the reading public.

Gav: Yeah, right!

[While we hear Big Blogger continue, we are shown various clips of the Housemates competing in games and tasks involving miniature puppet show props, unknown messy substances, and a trophy at the end for the winner.]

Big Blogger: Housemates will begin in teams, but there will be only one winner. The last remaining Housemate will win four prizes; the Friday Night Live trophy, the right to affect nominations, two nights in the Rewards Room with a Housemate of your choice, and the three boxes. Housemates, it’s time to put on make-up. Sublime-ation, Enny, Mars … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, it’s time to light the lights. Gav, MelbourneGirl, Pomgirl … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Magical_M, Elaine, tonight’s winner will be the first Housemate who can construct a Gonzo doll from the parts provided, load him into the cannon, and fire him into the air. Remaining Housemates, it’s time to raise the curtain. Magical_M, you are the winner of the final Friday Night Live. Congratulations. Approach the winner’s podium and collect your trophy. Losing Housemates, celebrate your champion.

Magical_M: I CAN’T BELIEVE I WON!!!! [She goes absolutely crazy with joy, running around and around the podium like an utter nutbag. Eventually she stops running and picks up her trophy. She holds it above her head. It is a miniature golden Kermit the Frog figurine on a block of wood.]

[Cut to footage of the Friday Night Live desk.]

Mike: What a fantastic ending to a fantastic series of Friday Night Live! And isn’t it great that the really useless one was able to win the final FNL? It’s all going very well for Magical_M so far this week!

Whee Um-ah: It certainly is, Mike. And can I just say one thing?

Mike: Sure. So what do you think, Ditzy?

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: Um, can I ask a stupid question, Mike?

Mike: Better than anyone I know. Let’s cut back to the House.

[Cut to Magical_M in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Magical_M, who do you choose to take to the Rewards Room, and why?

Magical_M: MelbourneGirl! MelbourneGirl for sure, Big Blogger.

[Cut to Magical_M and MelbourneGirl in the Rewards Room, facing the three boxes.]

Big Blogger: Magical_M, which box do you choose?

Magical_M: Hmm, I’ve been taking careful note of the way this has gone in previous weeks, and I’m going to avoid box number two, and go for box number three, instead, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: You may open box number three now.

[She does so.]

Magical_M: [Reading off a card, her voice getting louder the further she gets through her sentence] “You have won an all-expenses-paid worldwide holiday!”

[She screams in excitement as MelbourneGirl jumps off the bed and screams with her. They hold hands and jump up and down on the spot for a few minutes, screaming incoherently as they do so. This goes on for quite a while.]

[Cut to the other Housemates sitting at the outdoor table and chair setting, looking towards the Rewards Room where the screaming can be heard faintly.]

Gav: Wow. I think somebody finally won a good prize.

[Cut back to the Rewards Room. The girls are still jumping up and down, hugging and screaming. It’s all just noise. Behind the walls, some of the sound guys’ ears start to bleed. The girls eventually stop screaming, and fall down onto the bed, exhausted.]

MelbourneGirl: [Laughing] Oh boy, that’s fantastic news. Congratulations! [They both laugh.]

Big Blogger: Magical_M, the holiday is yours to keep.

Magical_M: Thank you, Big Blogger!

Big Blogger: You may check the other boxes now.

Magical_M: Ohhh, do I have to get up? [But she does so anyway. Opening box one and reading off a card] “You have won a kick in the pants.” Ouch! I’m so glad I didn’t pick that one!

MelbourneGirl: [Sitting up] Does it really say that?

Magical_M: Yep. [Opening box three and reading off a card] “You have won two kicks in the pants.” Oh no! That one’s so much worse! [She laughs.]

MelbourneGirl: You’ve gotta be kidding me. [She gets up and checks the cards.] Oh my goodness. You’re so lucky you didn’t stick with box number two!

Magical_M: I know!

[Cut back to the other Housemates in the backyard.]

Elaine: [Grumpy] I can’t believe Magical_M chose MelbourneGirl instead of me.

Sublime-ation: They’re best friends; of course she was gonna choose her!

Elaine: But I’ve never been in there before!

Sublime-ation: Neither have I, but you don’t hear me complaining about it!

[Elaine just scowls at her, then turns away. Sublime-ation rolls her eyes to the others, who were all listening to the conversation.]

Feral: [Voice over] And then on Saturday night, the Housemates were surprised and amazed to be reunited by an old friend …

[Cut to footage previously viewed over the weekend of the Housemates lying on their beds in the bedroom, talking about nothing in particular.]

Magical_M: I want to know how you keep avoiding nominations, MG.

MelbourneGirl: So do I! I’d love to know what I’m doing right so I can keep doing it!

Magical_M: I reckon it’s because you keep making everyone cups of tea.

MelbourneGirl: Cups of … ?? That must be the single most <BEEP>in’ stupid theory I’ve ever heard!

Magical_M: Steady on! It’s just a theory! …

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates. Big Blogger has a surprise for you. [The Housemates get excited.] You may not like it. [They deflate.] Or you may. [They get excited again.] But you probably won’t. [They deflate again.] I’m betting you won’t. [They deflate even more.] In fact, I expect some tears. [They continue to deflate. Gav falls onto the floor.] Big Blogger has decided to reinvigorate the declining Housemate numbers.

[Elaine and Sublime-ation look at each other in confusion. Pomgirl is frowning at the ceiling.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. Prepare to welcome back into your midst … one of your former Housemates.

[The Housemates jump to their feet and squeal in excitement.]

Big Blogger: Former Housemate, you may enter the House now.

[The Housemates run, still squealing, from the bedroom to the lounge. The Diary Room door opens and they stand in silence for a moment, watching the empty doorway. The suspenders are killing me.]

Sublime-ation: Please be Tyson, please be Tyson, please be Tyson!

MelbourneGirl: Please be Clokeeeey, please be Clokeeeey, please be Clokeeeey!

Pomgirl: Please be TOBYtoby, please be TOBYtoby, please be TOBYtoby!

Mars: Please have chocolate, please have chocolate, please have chocolate!

[Javatari walks calmly into the room, wraps his cape around his shoulders, and announces in a commanding voice:]

Javatari: Shazam! I have returned.

Magical: [Delighted] Javatari! Ooooh! [She runs up and hugs him.]

[The Housemates surround Javatari and both congratulate and welcome him into the House. They bombard him with questions for a moment that he cannot answer.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. [They all fall silent.] Javatari is a fellow Housemate once again. He is not a ‘former Housemate’, and he will have no grace period. For this week’s aviction, he is eligible for nomination, and he is required to cast votes against two of you. Remember: Each of you is still able to walk away with the Big Blogger prize money. And that now includes Javatari. That is all.

[In the silence that follows, the Housemates size up their new competition. Javatari glows with his newfound feelings of superiority.]

Javatari: I feel the power welling up within me.

Enny: Are you going to perform a magic trick?

Javatari: Something like that. [He extends his left hand towards her.] Here, pull my finger.

[She reaches for it before the others can stop her.]

Other Housemates: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[But it’s too late. A small explosion is heard and a puff of smoke is emitted from somewhere behind Javatari. After a moment, a single white dove flies out from under his cape, nestling down in the rafters of the ceiling.]

Javatari: [Turning around in concern] Hmm, there were meant to be two doves …

MelbourneGirl: Forget about that; c’mon, let’s sit down! Tell us all about what’s been happening!

Javatari: I cannot discuss matters of the outside world with you.

Enny: Fair enough.

Magical_M: I figured as much.

[The all sit down on the couch. There is a barely-audible ‘crunch’.]

Mars: What was that?

Javatari: [Without turning around] I think I just found the second dove.

Feral: [Voice over] The following day, the Housemates were called to the Diary Room to place what they didn’t realise would end up being their final weekly nominations. And despite former evictee Javatari re-entering the group and setting his sights on ‘their prize money’, the other Housemates had other targets in mind ...

[Cut to the lounge. The Housemates are all gathered together on the couch.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. This week, all Housemates are eligible for nominations. This includes the recently returned Javatari. No one is ammune from nomination or aviction. Housemates. It’s time to nominate. Mars, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where we see quick flashes of some Housemates’ nominations.]

Big Blogger: Mars, who do you nominate for two points for aviction, and why?

Mars: For two points I nominate Elaine, Big Blogger.

Pomgirl: Magical_M.

Enny: Pomgirl.

Gav: Pomgirl.

Sublime-ation: Elaine.

Javatari: Pomgirl.

Elaine: Pomgirl.

MelbourneGirl: Elaine.

Magical_M: Pomgirl.

[Cut to the lounge. All Housemates are assembled on the couch, awaiting Big Blogger’s first nominations announcement.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. This week's nominated Housemates are: Magical_M … and … Elaine … and … Pomgirl.

[The Housemates react with shock at this news. Magical_M is barely able to remain seated, she is so excited.]

Big Blogger: Magical_M, to the Diary Room. [Before he has even finished his sentence, Magical_M has darted for the Diary Room, giggling with glee.]

[Cut to the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Magical_M, as winner of Friday Night Live, you will now exercise the most important part of your prize. Who do you wish to deduct three points from, and why.

Magical_M: Me, Big Blogger! Me, me, me, me, me!!

Big Blogger. Go back to the lounge and say nothing of this to your Housemates.

Magical_M: Woo-hoo!

[Cut back to the lounge. Magical_M takes her seat.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The Housemates up for aviction this week are … Pomgirl … and … Elaine … and … Enny. That is all.

Magical_M: [Jumping immediately to her feet and power-punching the air with both hands] YES!!! Suck on that, bitches! I finally got a week off!! Yahooooooo! [She runs away and does cartwheels throughout the House, not caring for the moment that she’s wearing a skirt. The other Housemates watch her go.]

MelbourneGirl: Poor girl. Good on her for finally have a break from all the nominations.

Sublime-ation: I bet she wishes she’d worn underwear today, though.

MelbourneGirl: I don’t think that’s dawned on her, yet.

[A squeal followed by a dull thump are heard from the other room.]

MelbourneGirl: There we go.

Feral: [Voice over] So both boys – including the newly re-instated Javatari - were safe for another week, but one of the other girls is doomed to leave the House tonight. Who will it be?

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is caught scratching itself, then tries to pretend there’s something in their pocket.]

Feral: Well that was a quick one! Running out of ideas, are you, Big Blogger? Hehe. [She puts her finger to her ear.] Ow! Ahem. Well, whoever’s evicted tonight, it’s gonna be a girl. But which girl will it be? Pomgirl? [The audience cheers in support of Pomgirl.] Elaine? [The audience cheers in support of Elaine.] Or Enny? [The audience cheers in support of Enny.] Let’s find out right away.

[Cut to live footage of the Housemates all lined up on the couch, the three in the middle looking more nervous than the others. The audience cheers when it sees the Housemates.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Hey there! / Hi Feral / Hello / etc.

Feral: Welcome to another eviction show. And a very special welcome back to Javatari! [Audience cheers for Javatari.]

Javatari: Thank you, Feral. It’s good to be back in the House.

Feral: Has the place changed much since you were there last?

Javatari: There are a lot more females this time.

Feral: That’s true, and most of the people in there now weren’t there when you were evicted the first time.

Javatari: That observation is accurate.

Feral: So have you got your eye on anyone?

Javatari: I have my eye on everyone, Feral. You can’t trust anyone in here. Especially not me.

[The other Housemates look at each other in alarm.]

Feral: Ooh, that sounds interesting! Well, I’d better move on and talk to our three nominated Housemates. Let’s start with Magical_M. [Audience cheers for Magical_M.]

Magical_M: No! I’m not nominated this week!

Feral I know, I said that out of habit. [They laugh.] No, I’m kidding. I just wanted to say congratulations for avoiding nominations for once. You must feel very relieved.

Magical_M: Absolutely. It was a great feeling not be nominated for eviction this week.

Feral: And you won the first ever overseas holiday in the Friday Night Live prizes the other night!

Magical_M: Yes! The very last Friday Night Live, and I won the trip! I’m so excited!

Feral: Well, all the best of luck to you for whatever lies ahead. It’s certainly going well for you so far!

Magical_M: Ooh, don’t jinx it!

Feral: Let’s speak with Enny. [Audience cheers for Enny.]

Enny: Hi Feral.

Feral: How are you feeling? This is your first nomination, right?

Enny: That’s right. I’m feeling a bit nervous and hopeful that I’ll still be here in a few minutes, Feral. But if it’s my turn tonight, that’s fair enough. I’ve had a great time in here. Maybe we’ll all go, like last week!

Feral: Haha, no – that was a one-week-only deal.

Enny: Fair enough.

Feral: Elaine, you’ve been nominated before, haven’t you? [Audience cheers for Elaine.]

Elaine: Yeah, I was nommed last week, as a matter of fact.

Feral: And you managed to survive three evictions! How do you rate your chances tonight?

Elaine: Oh, about the same. It’s hard to tell. I hope I’m still here in the next twenty minutes.

Feral: Of course, of course. Finally we have Pomgirl. [Audience cheers for Pomgirl.]

Pomgirl: Hi Feral.

Feral: You’re no stranger to nominations, are you!

Pomgirl: No, I’ve been nominated a few times. Everyone in here loves me so much!

[Audience chuckles.]

Feral: Well, it doesn’t matter what the people in there think; it only matters what the people out here think. And it’s time to find out what their decision is. Good luck, everyone.

Nominated Housemates: Thanks, Feral / cheers / thank you / etc.

Feral: Okay, here we go … I’m being handed the envelope now … It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Elaine!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

Elaine: [Standing up.] Oh well, it was good while it lasted.

[The other Housemates stand up to hug Elaine good-bye.]

Mars: The first of our Intruder batch to go!

Elaine: Yeah, heh. [They hug.]

Enny: Sorry to see you go, Elaine.

Elaine: Sure. Have a great time. [They hug.]

MelbourneGirl: See ya, darlin’.

Elaine: Bye, MG. Thanks for everything. [They hug.]

Gav: Have a great time partying tonight!

Elaine: Sure will. [They hug.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Elaine, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Pomgirl: Bye, ‘Lainey.

Elaine: Bye. [They hug.]

Magical_M: We’ll see you in a couple of months or something, okay?

Elaine: Yep, sure. [They hug.]

Sublime-ation: Catch ya later, Elaine.

Elaine: See ya. [They hug.]

Javatari: I do not know who you are, but I hope you have a wonderful evening.

Elaine: Thanks. [They stand there looking awkwardly at each other for a moment.] Okay, gotta go.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Elaine, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

Elaine: I’m goin’! I’m goin’!

[Elaine walks up to the Diary Room door, which opens for her. She steps through the doorway and the door closes behind her.]

Magical_M: [Immediately spinning around to face the other Housemates] Who wants a cup of tea? [MelbourneGirl looks at her in surprise.]

MelbourneGirl: That's my line!

Magical_M: [Chanting like a schoolchild as she runs into the kitchen] Cuppa tea! Cuppa tea! Cuppa tea! Cuppa tea!

[MelbourneGirl rolls her eyes dramatically.]

MelbourneGirl: [To the other Housemates] Don't worry, I'll get you your cup of tea.

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: There we go; Elaine has been evicted!

[Audience bays for Elaine’s blood.]

Feral: She’ll be joining me up here on stage in just a few moments, but first I get to remind you about what’s happening between now and the Big Blogger Finale. All you have to do is remember that this network will be maintaining its prior commitments to reviewing episodes of Thank God You’re Here and Australian Idol on Thursdays and Mondays respectively, but every other night (including weekends) will feature a new Big Blogger mini-episode, where we’ll see another Housemate evicted until there are just three lucky Housemates left for the grand finale episode next Friday night! Be sure to tune in for each exciting installment. It all starts in two days’ time, this Friday, and continues on Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday, with the last ever episode airing the following Friday. If you don’t read it, I don’t get paid, so please come back and follow the ups and downs of what the remaining Housemates are facing: Daily Evictions! But for now, it’s time to welcome our star performer to the stage. Make her feel like part of the furniture, Elaine!

[Audience hangs its coat on Elaine as she enters the stage, waving and smiling at the crowd.]

Elaine: Hello Feral.

Feral: Hi Elaine. Are you surprised to be evicted so soon?

Elaine: Nah, someone had to go, and it was always going to be one of the Intruders.

Feral: You think so? I thought it was pretty much down to chance.

[Audience roars its devotion to Elaine. She *blushes*]

Feral: So tell me about this pirate thing. It didn’t take you too long to drop the whole business.

Elaine: No, pretty much straight away, wasn’t it.

Feral: Why was that?

Elaine: Oh, I guess I just felt it was a bit much, and it was obvious that it wasn’t winning me any friends in there.

Feral: Maybe they just needed some more time to warm to it?

Elaine: Nah, it was going nowhere fast.

Feral: Fair enough. Well, I kinda like the pirate thing. It was very individual of you, so well done for that. [To the audience:] Did you like Elaine’s pirate deal?

[Audience screams its support of Elaine and all things piratey.]

Elaine: Aww, thanks, guys. I mean … Thanks, me hearties.

[The audience goes utterly ballistic!]

Feral: Wow, there you go, then. Pirates are the new black!

Elaine: Especially Blackbeard.

Feral: Okay, that’s enough. No more pirate jokes.

Elaine: Aye-aye, cap’n.

Feral: I mean it.

Elaine: Roger.

Feral: [Sighs] “Jolly” Roger, I presume?

Elaine: Aha! That’s a good one. I wasn’t thinking of that, but there you go, then.

Feral: Anyway, moving on … You’re going to be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils tonight, and he’ll be showing you who nominated you.

Elaine: Yep, I remember.

Feral: Oh, that’s right, you saw how all this works before you went into the House.

Elaine: Yep.

Feral: So can we just skip the graph thing?

Elaine: Absolutely.

Feral: Ahh, I love you! Okay, so that just leaves us with the prizes.

Elaine: You can skip that as well, if you like.

Feral: Oh no, I’m duty-bound to give you these prizes.

Elaine: [Flatly] Oh, great.

Feral: And here they are … an empty pizza box – careful, it’s a little greasy inside – and a four litre can of beige paint.

Elaine: I’m just so honoured. Thanks. Arrgh!

Feral: Let’s hear it for our lucky Evictee Number Thirteen, Elaine!

[Audience waves its wooden leg high in the air, then falls over, as Elaine leaves the stage smiling and waving to everyone. When she is nearly off stage, she almost collides with a heavily bandaged Ninja, who has his head almost completely covered with gauze, is wearing an eye-patch, has both arms in plaster, is wearing a neck brace, has both legs in splints, and is using crutches to slowly make his way out on to the stage.]

Ninja: Oops, sorry. I was coming out to escort you off, but I’m a bit slow with these things.

Elaine: Hmm, nice eye-patch.

Ninja: [*blushes*] Thanks.

Elaine: You single?

Ninja: Um, … single-ish, yeah.

Elaine: Well, I’m as randy as an old goat, so I was wondering if you just wanted to duck out the back with me, and … [They disappear into the wings, talking excitedly.]

Feral: Okay, so there you have it. Elaine is out and we’re down to eight. No one else is going into the House now; it’s all eviction, eviction, eviction from here on in! But I’ve already told you about all that. There’s a lot of work being put into this show behind the scenes, and everyone who plays a part in the backstage work is committed to bringing you quality entertainme—

Ninja: [Interrupting loudly, from somewhere offstage] AWESOME!

Feral: [Only momentarily distracted] Um, … so, make sure you tune in every night between now and the Big Blogger Finale in two Fridays’ time so see who stays and who goes. And who wins! I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where we’re down to the short and curly end of the tale now, so don’t miss a minute of it! Good night!

[Audience strains to see what’s happening in the wings.]

Mike: [Voice over] There’s not much left to go now! Bear with us and it’ll all be over soon enough. Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


* * *


.