Big Blogger - Final Week, Part 3

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[The audience draws a line in the sand as Feral walks out onto stage.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – The Final Week, Part 3. The rumbling in the House have settled down a bit since yesterday, with Enny and Mars patching things up after Pomgirl’s eviction last night. In fact, after Pomgirl left the House, it seemed to get a lot more relaxed in there. I wonder if there’s anything in that …

[The audience laughs knowingly.]

Let’s go to the tape and see who was evicted tonight before we bring them live onto stage. The following happened just moments ago!

[Cut to video footage of the House. The Housemates are all seated on the couch in the lounge. MelbourneGirl is pouring six cups of tea.]

MelbourneGirl: I hope no one wanted milk. I can’t leave the couch now to go and get some.

Gav: Nah, this is lovely. Thanks, MG.

Enny: Thanks, MG!

Magical_M: Thank you!

MelbourneGirl: That’s alright. [She beams.]

Mars: Here you go, Javatari. [She passes him a cup of tea.]

Javatari: Thank you, Mars.

Magical_M: Aren’t we just the picture of civility?

Gav: Aren’t we just!

[They all giggle.]

Feral: [Appearing suddenly on the TV screen] Hello, House.

Housemates: Oooh, here we go! / Hi Feral! / <BEEP>! / Oh boy / etc.

Feral: Now this is a House that’s getting along a lot better than yesterday!

[The Housemates agree with nods and murmurs in the positive.]

Feral: Enny and Mars – did you two talk through your issues last night after Pomgirl was evicted?

Mars: Nah, we just hugged and forgot all about it.

Enny: I think it was the weirdness of knowing there was an eviction coming. We just sorta fizzled out in our brains there somewhere.

[Feral and the other Housemates laugh.]

Mars: It was stress. But today we’re over it. We’re more prepared, I guess.

Feral: That’s good. And how about the rest of you? Is this surprise eviction thing getting any easier?

Magical_M: No way! So far it’s been one a night, but Big Blogger tells us it won’t always necessary be that frequent. It’s very weird now to be losing three more Housemates in three days, though!

MelbourneGirl: And we only lost Elaine two days before that!

Magical_M: Yeah!

Feral: Well, Big Blogger is all about surprises and mind games, after all.

Housemates: Yeah …

Feral: So let’s jump straight into tonight’s eviction, eh?

Housemates: [Unenthusiastically] Yeah …

Feral: I’m being handed the envelope now … It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Mars!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

Mars: [Standing up an sighing loudly.] Curse of the Intruder.

[The other Housemates stand up to hug Mars good-bye.]

MelbourneGirl: Have a great night tonight.

Mars: I will. [They hug.]

Magical_M: See ya, Mars. You’re a top chick.

Mars: Thanks, Magical_M. So are you. You all are. [They hug.]

Gav: Don’t forget to par-tay, right?

Mars: [Giggling] Yeah, I’ll remember. Bye Gav. [They hug.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Mars, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Javatari: Fare thee well, Mars.

Mars: See ya, Javatari. You’re hilarious. [They hug.]

Enny: Hey.

Mars: Hey.

[They hug for a long time.]

Mars: [Stage-whispering in Enny’s ear as they continue to hug] “ENNY FOR BIG BLOGGER 2006!”

Enny: Hehe, thanks. [She begins to cry softly.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Mars, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

Mars: [Breaking Enny’s hug and turning back to the group] Okay, g’bye everybody! [She walks up to the Diary Room door, which opens for her. She steps through the doorway and the door closes behind her, with the Housemates waving and calling out to her.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: And there you have it. A touching farewell if ever there was one. Now let’s meet her in person: It’s Mars!

[Audience flips out as Mars enters the stage, waving at the crowd.]

Mars: Hi Feral.

Feral: Hello Mars. So tell me about that good-bye hug with Enny.

Mars: What do you want to know? It was just a hug.

Feral: No it wasn’t! I don’t mean it was anything more than two friends hugging, but are you firmly in the camp that supports Enny for Big Blogger Winner, are you?

Mars: Yeah, absolutely. She’s my best friend in there. We really hit it off as fellow Intruders and I think she’s ace. [She turns to the audience.] Don’t you?!

[The audience erupts just like a volcano, except with 37% less lava.]

Feral: If that’s the case, tell us more about the fight the two of you had yesterday.

Mars: Oh, that was just silly. Our nerves and worries coming to the fore, that’s all.

Feral: So do you think Enny can win Big Blogger?

Ninja: [From offstage] YEAH!

Mars: [Distracted but ignoring him] Um, … yes, I think so. Why not?! She’s ace.

Feral: Fair enough. Well, you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils tonight.

Mars: Cool, I’ve been looking forward to that!

Feral: And these are your Big Blogger prizes: Half a tube of sunscreen lotion … and a ream of pink A4 paper.

Mars: Hmm, so the prizes haven’t been improving, huh?

Feral: Not on your life.

Mars: Okay. I did it for the experience rather than the prizes anyway. [She looks at the prizes in her hands and laughs.] Well, I’d hate to meet the person who did it for the prizes!

Feral: You already did. She was sitting in your chair this time last night.

Mars: [Realising she means Pomgirl.] Oh.

Feral: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Evictee Number Sixteen, Mars!

[Audience throws roses to Mars – the person, not the planet – as she exits the stage.]

Feral: Wow, that’s Part 3 of Big Blogger’s Final Week finished! There’ll be no Big Blogger episode tomorrow, because this network is commited to bringing you an update on Australian Idol every Monday instead. But we’ll be back on Tuesday night with Part 4. Make sure you don’t miss it! Will your favourite Housemate survive? Who’ll be evicted? Who’ll be safe? And who will win … Big Blogger? I’m Feral Killmen. Good night!

[Audience sits back and falls asleep in their chairs as Feral leaves the stage.]

Mike: [Voice over] We’re nearly all done! Won’t it be lovely to have a rest from all this gunk?! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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