Big Blogger - Final Week, Part 4

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[The audience air-claps (it’s like air-guitar, but in clapping) as Feral walks out onto stage.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – The Final Week, Part 4. We’re really motoring through these mini episodes! It makes me wonder why we didn’t try doing all of the episodes at this length! Nah, I know, I know. Both of our regular readers (Adam and BEVIS) would have been very upset about that. Hello to you, boys, if you’re reading. And we know you are. Well, let’s not waste anymore time than we have to. Let’s go straight to the tape and see who was evicted a few minutes ago, and then we’ll bring them out, live, on stage.

[Cut to video footage of the House. The Housemates are all seated on the couch in the lounge. They sit there in silence for a few seconds.]

Gav: I wonder who it’ll be tonight. Any thoughts?

Enny: I reckon it’ll definitely be me. I’m the last Intruder left.

Javatari: I could now be viewed in a similar fashion.

Enny: Yeah, but you’re not the same thing.

MelbourneGirl: It could be any of us. I’m quite nervous about tonight. I have a bad feeling.

Feral: [Appearing suddenly on the TV screen] Hello, House.

Housemates: Ah, hello! / Hey Feral / <BEEP>! / So this is the moment, eh? / etc.

Feral: Each night leaves us with a quieter and quieter House!

Magical_M: Yep, well that happens when you keep taking people away from us!

Feral: Ah, but them’s the rules. Enny, how have you coped these past two days without your buddy Mars?

Enny: Oh, okay. I’m missing her heaps, but I know I’ll be outta here to catch up with her very shortly!

Feral: I heard you say that you think you’ll be evicted tonight.

Enny: Yeah, it makes the most sense.

MelbourneGirl: We all think that, though, Feral.

Magical_M: Not me! I’m invincible! [They laugh.]

Feral: Well, I’m being handed the envelope now … so good luck, everyone.

Housemates: Thanks Feral / Cheers / Thank you / Bring it on / etc.

Feral: It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Magical_M!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

Magical_M: [Standing up and putting her hands on her hips in annoyance] Oh, <BEEP>!

[The other Housemates stand up to hug Magical_M good-bye.]

Gav: Wow! Now that I didn’t expect.

Magical_M: [Sighing] Me neither. See ya, Gav. [They hug.]

Gav: You’re great value, Magical_M. Have an ace night, okay?

Magical_M: Yeah, I will.

Javatari: Fare thee well, Mars.

Magical_M: Thanks, Javatari. Well done on getting back into the House. All the best. [They hug.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Magical_M, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Enny: Aw, Magical_M – I feel so bad!

Magical_M: You have no reason to feel bad, honey. You’re in the final four! That’s excellent. Make the most of it, sweetie. [They hug.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh, Magical_M.

Magical_M: MG, you’re the best.

[They hug for a long time.]

MelbourneGirl: I’m gonna be lost without you in here with me!

Magical_M: Not at all! Don’t be silly. I hope you win it. [They break their hug.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Magical_M, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

Magical_M: Bye everyone! [She walks up to the Diary Room door, which opens for her. She steps through the doorway and the door closes behind her, with the Housemates waving and calling out to her.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Wow, it took ten-and-a-half weeks, but Magical_M has finally been evicted! Welcome her to the stage: It’s Magical_M!

[Audience wolf-whistles as Magical_M walks on stage, waving.]

Magical_M: Hi Feral.

Feral: Hello Magical_M. You know what? I still think I have very little left I can ask you! [They laugh.] You got nominated so often, I went through my entire repertoire of questions with you before each eviction!

Magical_M: I know, it was crazy.

Feral: What do you think it was that had all your fellow Housemates nominating you for eviction so often?

Magical_M: Oh, I think it was a few things. I think in the end it became a nomination point they could give without investing much thought into it, because I was always going to be nominated and the public seemed to always be prepared to keep me in the House, so it was just something they could do to get out of nominating someone else. I don’t think I did anything especially bad to warrant being nominated all the time. Do you?

Feral: No I don’t! But I know the reasons the other Housemates gave for nominating you when they did.

Magical_M: Oh, well tell me what it was!

Feral: Most of the time? It was because you’re too hottt. With a triple T.

[Audience cheers like they’re at Hooters.]

Magical_M: [Blushing only slightly] Really? … How flattering, then! I actually suspected that was why, but you can never tell. I once got my photo in a theatre review in the Sydney Morning Herald, you know!

Feral: Who hasn’t!

Magical_M: [Deflated] Oh.

Feral: Anyway, you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils tonight.

Magical_M: Ooooh, he’s a honey!

Feral: [Ignoring her] And here are your Big Blogger prizes: Two tickets to see 100 on Saturday night, which is the final performance of the show, and the day after Big Blogger finishes …

Magical_M: Right. So I should be quite awake and sober for that one …

Feral: [Continuing with the prizes] … and a broken hole-punch. Enjoy.

Magical_M: Wonderful!

Feral: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Evictee Number Seventeen, Magical_M!

[Audience gets down on its knees and bows to Magical_M – “we’re not worthy”-style – as she exits the stage.]

Feral: And there you have it. That’s Part 4 of Big Blogger’s Final Week completed! Tomorrow will be Part 5, which is also the last episode before the special bumper-edition Grand Finale on Friday! All our former Housemates will be returning to the stage so you can catch up with what they’ve all been doing … plus, there’ll be one or two surprises. But more importantly, you won’t want to miss what happens when the Winner of Big Blogger is finally announced! Who will it be? Only your votes can decide. I’m Feral Killmen. Good night!

[Audience cracks open a cold one as Feral leaves the stage.]

Mike: [Voice over] I can barely contain my excitement! I’m glad this is an’t a visual medium, or I might be truly embarrassed! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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