Big Blogger - Final Week, Part 5
[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]
Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!
[The audience eats all is vegetables like good little boys and girls as Feral walks out onto stage.]
Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – The Final Week, Part 5. This is the second-last episode of Big Blogger, and the last of these mini episodes! This Friday’s Grand Finale is set to be an amazing event, the likes of which you’ve never read before! The former Housemates have all been rehearsing for their special appearances in the show, and from all accounts it looks set to be a doozy!
[The audience gets dizzy with excitement and needs to go have a lie-down.]
Feral: But before we get to the Grand Finale, we need to evict one more Housemate. As with these other mini episodes this week, the eviction has already happened and the evicted Housemate is right now waiting in the wings for their interview, but first let’s watch the tape, filmed only minutes ago, to see whose last night in the House it was tonight.
[Cut to video footage of the House. The Housemates are all seated on the couch in the lounge. Gav is telling yet another joke.]
Gav: But they never found the instructions.
[Enny and MelbourneGirl break up into fits of laughter. Javatari stares blankly at Gav.]
Javatari: I’m sorry, you will have to explain that to me. Why is it amusing to be forever searching for instructions? For the rest of their days, they won’t be able to operate the device in question. I see no humour in laughing at another’s misfortune.
Gav: No, you miss the point, Javatari.
Enny: [Through tears of laughter] We’re not laughing at anyone’s misfortune.
Javatari: Yes you are; the protagonist of the joke.
MelbourneGirl: You’re completely missing the point, Javatari.
Javatari: Yes, I know. That’s why I asked Gav to explai—
Feral: [Appearing suddenly on the TV screen] Hello, House.
Housemates: Whoa! / Hi Feral / <BEEP>! / Hello / etc.
Feral: Are you ready for another eviction?
MelbourneGirl: Not really! I have a bad feeling about this one.
Enny: How many more of these are there, anyway?
Feral: You know I can’t tell you that!
Enny: It’s just that the show’s gonna end pretty soon if they don’t stop evicting people.
Feral: I think you’ll find that’s the whole point of the thing.
[Gav and MelbourneGirl laugh. Enny joins in good-naturedly. Javatari doesn’t get it.]
Gav: She’s got ya there, Enny.
Feral: Okay, I’m being handed the envelope now … so good luck, everyone.
Housemates: Thank you / Cheers, Feral / Thanks / etc.
Feral: It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Javatari!
[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]
Javatari: [Beginning to rise] Now I’ll never hear the explanation of the joke!
[The other Housemates stand up to hug Javatari good-bye.]
MelbourneGirl: Ah, Javatari. Easy come, easy go, I guess.
Javatari: That is correct. I suppose the public didn’t want me back in the House after my first eviction.
MelbourneGirl: Well, you survived this long, so you must have been doing something right! At this stage, it’s anybody’s guess who’s gonna win. [They hug.]
Gav: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Javatari: Now that joke I get! [They hug, but in a manly way.]
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Javatari, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.
Enny: I can’t believe I outlasted the magician! An Intruder outlasting the evicted Housemate who returned to the House from the outside? Unheard of!
Javatari: Think nothing of it.
Enny: But I can’t help it! It’s blowing my mind!
Javatari: I said, think nothing of it. [They hug.]
Enny: Are you kidding? I can’t think of anything else! I don’t know how I’m gonna face everyone when I get outta here! I feel so bad about it!
Javatari: [Waving his hands in front of Enny face while a spiral lighting effect flashes in her eyes from an unknown source; speaking in a spooky voice] Remember me not! [He drop his hands and the spiral effect disappears. Enny looks dazed and blinks to herself for a second.]
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Javatari, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.
Javatari: Fare thee well, all! [He walks up to the Diary Room door, which opens for him. He steps through the doorway and the door closes behind him, while MelbourneGirl and Gav wave and call out to him.]
Enny: Who was that guy?
[Cut back to Feral on stage.]
Feral: So there you have it. Magic couldn’t save him the first time, and magic couldn’t save him this time, either. Welcome him to the stage anyway: It’s Javatari!
[Audience chucks a wheelie as Javatari walks on stage, waving.]
Javatari: Greetings, Feral.
Feral: Hi Javatari. How do you feel?
Javatari: I feel fine.
Feral: What was it like returning to the House when you were evicted so early on in the piece?
Javatari: Well, at first I wondered who all those new people were, but then I fell back into the old routine.
Feral: Of performing party tricks and magic acts for the House?
Javatari: Correct.
Feral: So it was a bit of a case of: “Dance for us, Monkey-Boy”, was it?
Javatari: A little. Expect I don’t dance. And I’m not a boy.
Feral: Okay. Thanks for those points of clarification.
Feral: Alright, so you’ve already been through all this, but you’re gonna do it all again: You’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils tonight.
Javatari: Fair enough, I can handle him a second time.
Feral: And here’s your second batch of Big Blogger prizes. A piece of discarded material – paisley! – and a rusty old wrench.
Javatari: I am even less impressed than last time.
Feral: But who cares. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Evictee Number Eighteen, Javatari!
[Audience does the Macarena as Javatari exits the stage.]
Feral: Well, that’s it. All that remains now is the Grand Finale in two days’ time. Who will win Big Blogger? Only three Housemates remain. Will it be MelbourneGirl? [The audience cheers its guts out for MelbourneGirl.] Will it be Gav? [The audience cheers its lungs out for Gav.] Or will it be Enny? [The audience cheers its pancreas out for Enny.] Only time will tell, so make sure you vote for the person you want to win! Tune in one last time on Friday for a spectacular live performance by all your evicted Housemates! I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger – where the light at the end of the tunnel is a rainbow with a pot of gold. Or something like that. Good night!
[The audience pulls their shirts up over their heads, soccer-hooligan-style, and butt their chests into each other until they fall to the ground. Feral rolls her eyes as she leaves the stage.]
Mike: [Voice over] What a show! And it’s only two more sleeps until the Grand Finale! Remember, you need to vote for the Housemate you want to win Big Blogger. All votes are entirely irrelevant due to the random nature by which the evicted Housemates are selected, but vote anyway! We get money from it! I’m Mike Goldentonsils.
[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]
Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.
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posted by BEVIS @ 11:58 PM
14 comments
14 Comments:
I'll be back again right? Right? Hello, anybody?
who are you again...?! ;o)
woooh - EXCITING!!!
Whoa!! I was a bit scared reading this one, for a second I thought it might have been Enny, but Javatari is heaps good at being evicted and stuff by now. Bye Javatari, I can't wait for your performance at the Finale.
GAV FOR BIG BLOGGER 2006!
What? It's not like I'm ruled by consistency.
ahh, who am I kidding?
ENNY FOR BIG BLOGGER 2006!!
YOU CAN DO IT, PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT!
STEPH FOR BEST FINALE DANCER 2006!
Re: your abusive email.
I do so read each and every entry! Because I've been evicted, Channel Ten must be blocking my media communication. Maybe it has something to do with my eviction when I ripped off my pants in front of the audience to reveal, written in lipstick on my underpants "Free My Testicles!".
Notice THAT didn't make it to your weekly update!
TYSON FOR BEST CAPTIVE TESTICLES 2006!!
my tea-making abilities are nowhere near exhausted, i can keep 'em rolling out, but i bet big blogger is getting tired, poor pet.
well, well, well. lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
good luck to enny and gav.
looking forward to the finale, bevis, whenever it comes. no pressure.
Thank you all.
It looks like it might be just SLIIIIIIIIIGHTLY longer away than I expected ... although that's just 'cos I want to make it good for all of you!
Time isn't exactly in abundance at the moment, as anyone who's had a newborn baby in their home would understand.
But I'll post it as soon as I can, and hopefully you'll all enjoy the result.
I've drawn the final two evictees' names, now - so I know who wins Big Blogger! You'll get no clues from me, though. I'm putting far too much work into writing the Grand Finale to cut my own lunch by giving you advance notice of the outcome!
Do me a favour, people? When the Grand Finale is posted, could you please read it through in order rather than skipping ahead to see who won? Okay? (Or at least humour me and pretend you read it through in order?) I like the idea of the suspense building as you read through it ... as if it was really unfolding as you went along.
Of course, it's silly of me to make such a request of you, because I know you'll all do what you want. But there you go. I'm tired, and I'm rambling. But it looks like Sweetums has finally dropped off after his 1:30am feed and 2am cuddle (which falls within my shift), so perhaps I'll be getting some sleep in a few short minutes.
Anyway, hang in there and I trust you'll feel that the end result was worth the wait (and all the hours you've each spent reading Big Blogger over the past however-many-months it's been).
That is all.
bevis, we WON'T just do what we want. we WILL read through properly.
won't we, everyone?
i promise i will. other times i have skipped, i admit. but this time i will do it properly.
Thanks, MG!
x
Much appreciated. It looks like the silly thing might be another few days away yet. Sorry, everyone.
BEVIS FOR BIG BLOGGER EXECUTIVE PRODUCER 2006!!
I think we do all read it the whole way through, just like we all shut our eyes and scream "lalalala" when the internet accidentally tells us the winner of American reality TV shows before the final is aired in Australia. Damn you ninemsn, damn you to hell!
"The audience pulls their shirts up over their heads, soccer-hooligan-style, and butt their chests into each other until they fall to the ground."
Woo-hoo!
And can we please hear one of Gav's jokes in their entireity one day?
Skipping through to read the end would be like reading the final page of a book first to see how it works out. An utterly barbaric idea.
Don't feel any pressure to rush - I'm sure you want it to be the best it can after all the hard work you've put in so far... I promise to read it in order AND DID I MENTION HOW EXCITING THIS IS?!!
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