Big Blogger - GRAND FINALE!!
[A soft drum-roll is heard.]
Mike: [Voice over] Previously, on Big Blogger …
[As Mike continues to give his voice over, we see various clips of footage, from the Housemates going into the House, to each individual eviction. We see snippets of each new Intruder and Special Guest going in to the House, and quick shots of each eviction show with Feral Killmen and a cheering crowd. We see amusing shots of each Friday Night Live mishap, spill and thrill, and a shot of each FNL winner holding their trophy above their head. We see the grouped Housemates on each eviction night sitting on the couch, and we then proceed through the weeks in rapid-fire, watching the group get smaller and smaller until only three Housemates remain.]
Mike: [Voice over] Four months ago, twelve Housemates were sent into the Big Blogger House for the first time. Each week, Housemates were given grueling tasks to perform and harsh restrictions to live under. As the weeks went by, Housemates were gradually evicted. Over time, we saw six Intruders, one International Special Guest, and even a formerly evicted Housemate go into the House, bringing the total number of Housemates up to twenty individuals. Eventually, we reached the final week, and nine Housemates were quickly whittled down to the final few. Tonight, only three Housemates remain. Who will win what’s left of the two million dollar prize money? …
[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]
Mike: [Voice over] From InYourDreamsWorld on the Mornington Peninsula, this is the 2006 Big Blogger Grand Finale!
[The audience goes wild as a techno beat starts pumping. Lights flash on and off across the stage and a pair of spotlights act more like searchlights as they weave around and around the entire set in excitement. The techno beat begins to build until a laser show starts up, looking very 80s but creating the desired effect because the audience begins to scream like it’s the most amazing thing they’ve ever seen.]
[The gigantic TV screen at the centre-back of the stage shows the Housemates’ faces in order of their evictions, each face changing to each new beat, the audience cheering their personal favourites. Finally, the final three Housemates’ faces appear on screen, and keep flicking back and forth between themselves, with a giant question mark alternating between each of their faces. The music picks up as the faces and question marks flick past faster and faster. The audience gets more and more carried away with its screaming as the excitement continues to build. Finally, the music erupts into the full Big Blogger theme, and the audience reaches a new level of mania as Feral appears at the top of a heretofore-unused flight of stairs at the back of the set. The spotlights immediately find her, and she waves to the roaring crowd.]
Mike: [Voice over] And now, please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!
Feral: [Calling out over the cheering audience] Hello everyone!
[The audience screams back at her in a state of delirium, and Feral starts to descend down the staircase, stopping to wave again every two or three steps. The music is still going ballistic and the lights are going mental. Feral eventually reaches the bottom of the stairs and walks to the centre of the stage. The music fades away, the lights calm down, and the audience finally takes a seat … but is asked to put it back.]
Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody!
[The audience yells cheerfully back at her, frothing at the mouth.]
Feral: Hello and welcome to Big Blogger’s Grand Finale!
[The audience goes nuts again. It looks like it’s going to be a long night if they keep interrupting her after every sentence.]
Feral: Okay, calm down, calm down. [They don’t.] Alright, that’s enough. [The keep going for another two minutes.] Shut the <BEEP> up! [They ignore her and cheer for an additional three minutes.] Ninja!
[The Big Blogger Ninja runs on with a fire hose and points it at the audience.]
Ninja: Who wants to be covered with spray? [The crowd continues to roar. The Ninja turns the nozzle on the end of the hose and sprays the audience with the full power of the fire hose. Audience members are knocked backwards from the force of the blast, and finally stop cheering. Slightly shaken, they stand up again and splutter a bit. They are soaked from head to toe.]
Ninja: Awesome! [He scurries off stage.]
Feral: Okay, now that I have your attention, let’s get this party started by crossing live to the House and chatting with our three remaining Housemates.
[Cut to live footage of the final three Housemates sitting together on the couch, all dressed up and nowhere to go. They are all clearly very excited and can’t stop grinning from ear to ear to ear and back again.]
Feral: Hello, House.
Housemates: Aghh! Hello! / Oooh! It’s Feral! / Hey-hey! / etc.
[The audience goes nuts again, cheering uncontrollably throughout the whole interview.]
Feral: How are you feeling?
MelbourneGirl: I’m so <BEEP>in’ nervous, Feral!
Feral: Of course you are.
Gav: I’m just amazed that I’m still in here.
Enny: Me too, I don’t understand how an Intruder has lasted this long.
Feral: Well, you’ve all done an outstanding job of being Housemates we’ve loved to love … and hated to love … so why don’t we take a look back at your time in the House.
Enny: Oooh! Cool!
[Cut to a pre-prepared video package, showing different shots of MelbourneGirl, Gav and Enny frolicking about and having a great time over the past four months, slowed down and put to “Wind Beneath My Wings”. We see Enny swimming in the pool as Gav ‘bombs’ into the pool. The water splashes MelbourneGirl, who is sunbathing nearby. She jumps up in fright, screaming angrily at him. Even though she’s moving in slow motion, we can clearly make out what she’s yelling. We see Enny and MelbourneGirl sitting on a bed, doing their nails together and laughing. We see Gav, quite bored on his own, staring at the ceiling and spinning around and around on the spot until he loses his balance and falls over the back of the couch. We see all three of them having dinner outside, making a toast and charging their glasses. We see MelbourneGirl relaxing in the sauna. We see Gav working out furiously in the gym. We see Enny picking bits of bacon out of her salad, a look of disgust on her face. We see MelbourneGirl and Enny hugging and crying as they share a girlie moment. We see Gav watching them hug, rolling his eyes. We see all three of them running around and laughing in the backyard. Enny falls over, perhaps from a lack of protein and energy, and the other two jump on top of her, “stacks-on”-style, and all three laugh themselves silly as the song draws to a close.]
[Cut back to the House, with Feral on the TV screen in the lounge. The audience is going cr-a-zy with heartfelt screams of joy at the collection of Big Blogger moments they have just witnessed.]
MelbourneGirl: [Drying her eye] That was amazing.
Enny: I can’t believe how much fun it’s been in here.
Gav: Wow, that’s incredible.
Feral: So tell me, guys – what did you think?
[Pause.]
Gav: We just told you.
MelbourneGirl: I thought it was amazing.
Enny: I said it’s been heaps of fun.
Gav: And I said it was incredible to see it back like that.
Feral: [Completely missing their irritation with her] That’s great!
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.
MelbourneGirl: Oooh!
Big Blogger: There will be an eviction in twenty minutes. That is all.
[The Housemates squeal and gabble at each other in excitement. The audience roars at the announcement.]
Feral: Well, it looks like things are moving along, so we’ll leave you to yourselves for a while, but you’ll be able to watch what’s going on here on the stage, simply by watching this TV screen, okay?
MelbourneGirl: Cool! Thanks, Feral!
Gav: This is so exciting.
Enny: Oh, all the best, you guys!
Gav: You too.
MelbourneGirl: Best of luck to us all.
Gav: Yeah.
Enny: May the best blogger win.
[Beat.]
MelbourneGirl: Who wants a cuppa?
[Cut back to Feral on stage.]
Feral: Okay, well while they’re getting comfortable, how about we introduce our former Housemates one last time, eh?
[The audience cheers its approval.]
Feral: Let’s bring them out here, one at a time, in order of their eviction … or re-eviction, as the case may be. And we begin with a little lady who was one of two people kicked out of the House way back in our very first eviction show! She had one of the briefest stays in the House, but we can’t get enough of her. Please join me in welcoming her back to the stage; it’s No Dramas!
[The audience cheers for No Dramas as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hi No Dramas, how are you?
No Dramas: Great thanks, Feral!
Feral: What have you been up to since we saw you last?
No Dramas: Just doing the appearances we’re locked into with our contracts.
Feral: What fun!
No Dramas: No, not really. But my lawyers advise me that I’m pretty much sewn up with the fine print you guys have written in there.
Feral: Yeah, we’re good like that. [To the audience] And evicted on the same night as No Dramas was this young man, who’s been very busy with his own media commitments since leaving the House. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s John Surname!
[The audience cheers for John Surname as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Welcome back, John Surname.
John Surname: Thanks, Feral. It’s great to be back. So I can promote my film again.
Feral: Well, maybe later. Tell me, apart from making that short film, have you been having a great time since leaving the Big Blogger House?
John Surname: Absolutely. If you replace “Abso-” with “Hell” and “-lutely” with “no”.
Feral: [Not really listening] That’s fantastic. Moving right along, our third evictee is the loving fiancé to one of our final Housemates, and a rabid Collingwood supporter. Between being evicted so early on, and the way the AFL ladder ended up this year, he probably hasn’t been having a very good few months. So let’s make a point of sharing the love with Clokeeeey!
[The audience cheers for Clokeeeey as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Good evening, Clokeeeey.
Clokeeeey: Hi Feral.
Joffa: [From the crowd] Leave Collingwood alone, ya <BEEP>!
Feral: [To Joffa] Oh goodie. You’re back. [She turns back to Clokeeeey.] So tell me, what’s life been like at home without your beloved MelbourneGirl?
Clokeeeey: [The relief clearly showing in his expression] Ohhhhh … bliss.
Feral: You realise she’ll be coming home tonight no matter which way it goes, right?
Clokeeeey: [His smile fading] Yeah.
Feral: On to our next evictee. It was a sad night indeed when we had to send this little beacon of light packing from the House. Say hello to LittleFaerieGirl!
[The audience cheers for LittleFaerieGirl as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: How are you doing, LittleFaerieGirl?
LittleFaerieGirl: Great thanks! [She giggles.]
Feral: Still living in that share house with the other girls?
LittleFaerieGirl: Yep!
Feral: What did you call it, again?
LittleFaerieGirl: Oh, we didn't call it again - we just called it the one time. Since then it’s had the same name.
Feral: [Confused] Um, yes … but what’s the name?
LittleFaerieGirl: The “We All Rule So Suck A Fart Everybody Else” house. Or just “WARSSAFEE” for short.
Feral: “WARSSAFEE”, that’s right. Rolls off the tongue, really, doesn’t it.
LittleFaerieGirl: Depends on whose tongue it is, I guess.
Feral: Um, yes. Ahem. Anyway, one of LittleFaerieGirl’s real-life housemates is the next Big Blogger Housemate evicted. They were evicted on the same night and set up the “WARSSAFEE” house the following week. Let’s bring her out to join us, say hello to Audrey & The Bad Apples!
[The audience cheers for Audrey & The Bad Apples as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Greetings, Aud.
Audrey & The Bad Apples: Ooh, I don’t think you’ve ever called me that before.
Feral: I’m just trying to save our website transcribers some time. You’ve got a very long name!
Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, well I told Big Blogger right back at Day One that he could simply call me ‘Audrey’ if he wanted to, but he’s a stickler for doing things ‘properly’.
Feral: [Looking around at the set, which is made entirely from pipecleaners, papier-mâché, old toilet rolls and the hardest-working safety pin in show business] Yeeeeeeeees …
Audrey & The Bad Apples: Still, I’ve been having a great time living with the girls.
Feral: That’s great. So it’s you, LittleFaerieGirl, Dxxxx and Tammiodo, isn’t it?
Audrey & The Bad Apples: That’s right. And it rocks!!
Feral: I’m sure it does. Well, why don’t we get the other girls out here as well. First things first, it’s Dxxxx!
[The audience cheers for Dxxxx as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hey there!
Dxxxx: Hey! Wassup?
Feral: Oh, not much. Just doing a little Grand Finale show, you know.
Dxxxx: [Sagely] Yeah. [Brightening] Oh, hey! Maybe you could come and live with us in the WARSSAFEE house as well! You can share my room!
Feral: [Taken aback] Um, no … thanks. I’m fine.
Dxxxx: Fair enough.
Feral: What have you been up to since we saw you last, Dxxxx?
Dxxxx: Well, I just completed my doctorate in nuclear physics two days ago.
Feral: Wow! I didn’t realise you were even studying nuclear physics while you were in the House!
Dxxxx: I wasn’t. I felt that I came across as a bit of an airhead in my last Big Blogger appearance, so I went away and enrolled in a three-week intensive crash course.
[Pause.]
Feral: [Truly in awe] My goodness. That’s incredible. I don’t know what to say.
[Dxxxx is beaming with pride. Pause.]
Feral: So … hang on … who offers a three-week intensive crash course to get a doctorate in nuclear physics?!
Dxxxx: The Ponds Institute.
Feral: Ah.
[Dxxxx continues to beam, although Feral is now noticeably less impressed.]
Feral: On that note, I’d like to introduce you all to the fourth and final member of the WARSSAFEE house: Tammiodo!
[The audience cheers for Tammiodo as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Welcome, Tammiodo!
Tammiodo: Thank you very much, Feral. It’s great to see you again.
Feral: Thank you for saying so. Are you still riding the wave of fame since being evicted from the Big Blogger House?
Tammiodo: Um, no. Not really. I’ve been a little flat and disinterested of late, actually. Really lathargic and unmotivated and stuff.
Feral: Oh! That’s no good to hear. Maybe it’s just the slump of some sort of post-Big Blogger depression.
Tammiodo: [Noncommital] Myeh.
Feral: Or maybe it’s a sign that you’re about to delete your blog and get a life!
Tammiodo: [Laughing] Ha! Unlikely!
[They both laugh at the prospect. As if!!]
Feral: [Wiping tears from her eyes] Well, moving right along, we come to a young man who got quite a bit of action, considering the length of time he spent in the House. I speak of course of Big Blogger’s own Casanova, Tyson!
[The audience cheers for Tyson as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hi Tyson.
Tyson: G’day Feral.
Feral: What’s it like being the ladies man of the series?
Tyson: A little surreal.
Feral: You’re used to working in the theatre, though, aren’t you?
Tyson: Yeah …
Feral: So you’d be used to that kind of behaviour from cast parties and the like?
Tyson: Hmm, when you put it like that … yeah, it’s pretty normal.
Feral: Excellent. Okay, our next evicted Housemate spent most of his time in the House trying desperately to prevent people from nominating him, but couldn’t do anything about the public’s inevitable decision. Put your hands together for TOBYtoby!
[The audience cheers for TOBYtoby as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hi, TOBYtoby.
TOBYtoby: Hey there, Feral.
Feral: Has the public been any more forgiving of you and your Insider missions since I spoke to you last?
TOBYtoby: Yes.
[Awkward pause. Feral probably expected more from him than this.]
Feral: Well, … that’s good to hear. [Pause.] Is there any reason you’re not talking to me?
TOBYtoby: Free th’ refugees.
Feral: [Under her breath] Oh crap.
TOBYtoby: Free th’ refugees.
Feral: Yes, free th’m. Free th’m all. I get it. Good one. Who’s next? Oh yeah, that’s right. Of all the people whose surnames are Watts, including my <BEEP> of a Year 10 Science teacher, this guy’s in my top five. It’s RichardWatts!
[The audience cheers for RichardWatts as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hello, RichardWatts.
RichardWatts: How ya going, Feral?
Feral: Great, thanks. And you?
RichardWatts: Yeah, I’m ace.
Feral: That’s good. Now, you’ll be pleased to hear I’m not gonna make any sexuality-based references this time, seeing as you got a little miffed about it last time.
RichardWatts: Thank you, Feral. I appreciate that.
Feral: It’s not because you’re ashamed of your sexuality, though, is it.
RichardWatts: Oh goodness me, no. But there’s more to me than just that.
Feral: Of course, of course. [Pause. Neither of them can think of anything to say.]
[Pause continues.]
[The pause is still going. It’s a long pause.]
[Someone at the back of the audience coughs.]
[The pause keeps on keeping on.]
Feral: [Glancing at her watch] Ooh, look at the time. We’d better get a move on. It was nice talking to you again, RichardWatts.
RichardWatts: You too, Feral.
Feral: If you could just slide up the couch a bit, we’re about halfway through the former Housemates, now. [To RichardWatts, as he slides along the couch] Oh, you forgot your handbag.
RichardWatts: Oh yeah, thanks. [He picks it up and slides along the couch.]
Feral: And the colourful temptress who was evicted on the same night as TOBYtoby and RichardWatts joins us next … give a big warm welcome, everyone, to Steph!
[The audience cheers for Steph as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hiya, Steph!
Steph: Hi there!
Feral: What up, yo?
Steph: Oh, just the usual. Pimping myself out to any radio or TV station that’ll have me.
Feral: So no different to a normal Saturday night for you, then?
Steph: [Outraged] Feral! Of course it’s different! [Beat.] It wasn’t radio and TV stations before …
Feral: Good point. Thanks for making that distinction.
Steph: [Looking upwards, as if able to step outside the ‘reality’ of the piece and communicate directly with the writer, somehow] Exactly when did my character degenerate into such a tramp-for-hire?
Unseen Voice: When I was writing this section at 4am and had run out of ideas. Sorry.
Steph: [Sighs] Whatever.
Feral: [Who has missed this brief exchange completely] Well, that’s it for the former Housemates we caught up with last time. We’ve only seen the evicted Housemates that follow, the night they actually were evicted. And it all starts with Elaine!
[The audience cheers for Elaine as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hi Elaine, welcome back to Big Blogger!
Elaine: Thanks, Feral. I promised myself I wouldn’t use pirate-talk tonight, so please don’t ask me to.
Feral: I didn’t intend to.
Elaine: Oh, alright. You talked me into it. Argh, me hearties!
[The audience goes into a chant for Elaine’s pirate-talk. They love it.]
Feral: Well, that’s quite a reaction.
Elaine: You should hear the things people yell out to me on the street.
Feral: Like what?
Elaine: I’m not gonna tell you; I said you should hear it!
Feral: I … see …
Elaine: Besides, it’s a bit too ‘blue’ for this timeslot / family blog.
Feral: Okay then. No argument here. I just wanted to ask you, though … did you end up hooking up with our Ninja after your eviction show?
Elaine: Yeah, but not really. I thought the eye-patch was a fashion accessory he’d put on in my honour, but it turns out he was partially blinded in that eye earlier in the week. And his ‘wooden leg’ didn’t turn out to be half as impressive as he’d claimed.
Feral: So it didn’t work out?
Elaine: Nah.
Feral: How disappointing for him.
Elaine: [Brightening] Thanks, Feral!
Feral: Our next former Housemate was relatively quiet inside the House, but still managed to create quite a storm … with a bit of help from Steph. Please say hello to Sublime-ation!
[The audience cheers for Sublime-ation as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hello, Sublime-ation.
Sublime-ation: Hi Feral.
Feral: How’s the outside world been treating you?
Sublime-ation: Okay, I guess. I certainly seem to be a lot better known now that I’m out of the House. This competition has done wonders for me!
Feral: Well, that’s exciting to know! That means we can charge you twice the agents’ fee for any public appearances you make.
Sublime-ation: [Her bubble burst] Oh. Great.
Feral: But enough of that. Let’s look at what inspired you to sign up for Big Blogger in the first place.
Sublime-ation: Well, it was because I really wanted to get involved in a House that’d do wonders for my self-esteem.
Feral: Getting evicted because the majority of the reading public couldn’t stand you must’ve taken a beating, then!
Sublime-ation: [Just realising this now] Yeahhh …
Feral: Nice one. Well, that brings us to our next former Housemate, one who was a bundle of energy that belied her diminutive size. A visitor to our fair shores who’s already enjoyed success in the UK version of Big Blogger. I speak, of course, of Pomgirl.
[The audience cheers for Pomgirl as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: G’day Pomgirl.
Pomgirl: [Trying to imitate an Australian accent – but doing a terrible job, as most non-Australians do] “Guddoy.”
Feral: [Trying to laugh good-naturedly, but her opinion of Pomgirl’s crap imitation shows through clearly] Aha-ha. Ha. Ha. That’s really good.
Pomgirl: Thanks, I’m really good at accents. And at acting in general, if there are any talent scouts reading the show.
Feral: There won’t be. I’ve still got this gig, haven’t I?!
[The audience chuckles, but they don’t think Feral’s very funny.]
Pomgirl: All I know is I’d like to star in a weekly drama or something.
Feral: Big Blogger wasn’t enough for you?
Pomgirl: I have higher aspirations, Feral. I dream of being on Neighbours, or Home & Away, or Hey, Dad!
Feral: Well, all the best with that.
Pomgirl: Cheers!
Feral: Moving right along, from a visitor to our country to a visitor to our planet. Well, … sort of … it’s Mars!
[The audience cheers for Mars as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hello, Mars.
Mars: Hi Feral.
Feral: I hope you don’t mind that little reference to your name.
Mars: Nah, I get it all the time.
Feral: That’s good. So how did you enjoy your Big Blogger experience?
Mars: It was cool! I had heaps of fun and met some ace people!
Feral: Who’s been your favourite?
Mars: Oh, I couldn’t name favourites.
Feral: Who’s your least favourite, then?
Mars: Oh, I couldn’t name least favourites, either.
Feral: So what could you name?
Mars: Um … all nine planets?
[Feral just looks at her.]
Mars: [Trying to make it sound good] … In order??
Feral: [Flatly] Go on, then.
Mas: Ahem. Venus, Mer—
Feral: Bzzzt. Wrong. [Cheerily, to the camera] Okay then, our penultimate former Housemate is probably the one I’ve come to know the best, simply because of all the conversations I had with her each week she was nominated for eviction. Well, she was finally evicted, and here she is: Magical_M!
[The audience cheers for Magical_M as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]
Feral: Hello Magical_M, how are you?
Magical_M: I’m hottt, Feral! Remember?!
Feral: Hehe, yes I do. It seemed to be a recurring theme there for a while.
Magical_M: Well, I was recurringly hottt.
Feral: Mmm. So anyway, you’ve only been out of the House now for a few days.
Magical_M: I know! But it feels like two weeks, at least.
Feral: Yeah, there seems to be a bit of that going around. But my question is: Has it had a chance to sink in yet that you were on the Internet’s most loved fake online reality TV show parody?
[There is a pause while Magical_M considers the question.]
Magical_M: Nuh.
Feral: Excellently put.
Magical_M: Thanks!
Feral: And finally – yes, we’re at the end of the list, folks – it’s the former Housemate you hated so much, you evicted him twice! He was Evictee Number 4 but was sent back into the House to become Evictee Number 18 as well. Our most recent evictee who only left the House – for the second time – 48 hours ago, please make him feel welcome: Javatari!
[The audience cheers for Javatari as the Ninja sticks his head out of the wings.]
Ninja: He’s not back here!
[Suddenly, Javatari appears from his hiding place, inside the Ninja’s breast pocket.]
Javatari: Shazam!
Ninja: Awesome, dude!
[The Ninja escorts Javatari onto stage, and indicates the final spot on the oversized couch. Javatari sits, then turns to smile and wave at the audience. The Ninja leaves the stage, muttering to himself in amazement.]
Ninja: I didn’t even know Ninja outfits had a breast pocket! …
Feral: Javatari, I have to begin by asking you if being evicted the second time was any easier than being evicted the first time.
Javatari: Alright. [Pause.] Go on, then. Ask me.
Feral: I just asked you.
Javatari: No you didn’t; you simply informed me of what you wanted to ask me.
Feral: [Sighing heavily; under her breath] I wish we had commercial breaks on this show so I could have even the slightest rest every ten minutes! [To Javatari] Was being evicted the second time any easier than being evicted the first time?
Javatari: Oooh, good question. You’ll have to give me time to think …
Feral: You’ve just had … look, never mind. I think you’re sitting on your magic wand funny. [She indicates the bulge in his pants pocket.]
Javatari: [Looking down; embarrassed] Um, yes … my magic wand … thank you. [He adjusts it hurriedly.]
Feral: [Closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead as if she can feel a headache coming on] Oh good grief. [Loudly, to the audience] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your evicted Big Blogger Housemates for 2006!
[The audience goes ballistic with excitement and applause for the former Housemates. The applause dies down after about 90 seconds.]
Feral: [Addressing the former Housemates] Well, now that you’re all gathered here together on stage and you’ve just finished settling in on this massively-oversized couch, I’m going to get you to get up and go backstage again to prepare for your big musical number.
[The audience goes “Oooooh!”]
Feral: That’s right, the evicted Housemates have been rehearsing together for the past few days to bring you a spectacular presentation that will hopefully impress you all. But not before we evict our second runner-up. So you guys go and get changed, and we’ll see you very soon.
[The audience cheers and applauds as the former Housemates exit the stage, smiling and waving at the crowd as they go.]
Feral: While they’re back there getting ready, and just before we cross to the House to evict the first of tonight’s runners-up, let’s have one last look back at the Housemates’ time in the Big Blogger House. If you’ve wondered what it’s been like for the final three in that big, empty House on their own, here’s your chance to find out! We’ve put together a small package of today’s events. Here’s what happened on the Housemates’ final day:
[Cut to footage of the House. MelbourneGirl, Enny and Gav are sitting on the stools in the kitchen, eating their breakfast at the kitchen bench.]
Enny: What do you guys want to do today?
Gav: I dunno. What can we do?
MelbourneGirl: I wanna break into the Rewards Room!
Enny: Yeah! And see if there’s any chocolate or alcohol left in there!
Gav: Actually, that’d be cool.
MelbourneGirl: I reckon we’d probably get fined again, though.
Gav: Hmm.
[Pause.]
MelbourneGirl: Maybe we can just sit outside in the sun and have a quiet one?
Enny: Yeah … work on our tans.
[Gav rolls his eyes as if to say, “Again?”]
MelbourneGirl: I could make us all a cup of tea!
Enny: You sure drink a lot of tea, MelbourneGirl.
MelbourneGirl: Not really. I usually just make it for everyone else.
Gav: Hey, I just had a thought. Whatever happened to the Big Blogger Farm?
[There is a pause. Cut to the three Housemates prying open the secret door in the backyard that leads to the enclosed Big Blogger Farm. We do not see inside, but we watch the expressions on their faces. MelbourneGirl looks distraught. Enny looks disgusted. Gav looks horrified.]
Enny: Oh, yuck! [She turns away with a hand to her mouth, as if to prevent herself from vomiting.]
MelbourneGirl: <BEEP>ing <BEEP>! Those poor <BEEP>in’ animals. Big Blogger is such a <BEEP> for letting this happen to them. Who was meant to be looking after the <BEEP>in’ things?!?
Gav: Help me close this door. I think it’s broken.
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. MelbourneGirl. For calling Big Blogger “a <BEEP>”, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.
MelbourneGirl: Well it’s true! [She points into the Big Blogger Farm.] Look in there! Who's responsible for that?!
Big Blogger: [Ignoring her] Gav. For the destruction of Big Blogger property, that’s a five thousand dollar fine. That is all.
Gav: [Under his breath] Piece of <BEEP>.
Big Blogger: What did you say?
Gav: I said, “Peace be with you.”
Big Blogger: And also with you. That is all. [Beat.] Again.
Enny: [Who is on her hands and knees, her head in the bushes of the garden] Can someone get me a facecloth?
MelbourneGirl: I will.
Enny: And a glass of water.
MelbourneGirl: I’ll get you a cuppa.
[Cut to later. The Housemates are lying on deckchairs in the backyard, their backs to the jammed-open doorway to the Big Blogger Farm.]
Gav: I wonder when this is gonna end.
Enny: I reckon either today or tomorrow.
MelbourneGirl: What day is it? Friday?
Gav: Yep.
Enny: I think so.
MelbourneGirl: I reckon Sunday or Monday. That’s when they usually end these things, right?
Gav: Hmm, maybe.
Enny: [To Gav] When do you think it’ll end?
Gav: I agree with you. Today or tomorrow. [Pause.] Or Sunday or Monday. Or one day next week. [He grins as Enny throws a cushion at him.]
Enny: Cop out!
[They all laugh.]
[Cut to later in the day. The Housemates are enjoying a spa together.]
MelbourneGirl: I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve seen Clokeeeey.
Gav: What’s the longest time you guys have been apart, before Big Blogger?
MelbourneGirl: About ten hours.
Enny: No way!!
Gav: You serious?
MelbourneGirl: Yep.
Enny: In how long?
MelbourneGirl: Ohhh, … about … three years.
Gav: You’ve GOT to be kidding.
MelbourneGirl: Nope, I’m being 100% honest.
Enny: How could you cope without seeing him this long?!
Gav: Forget that; how could you cope living out of each others’ back pockets so much?!
MelbourneGirl: It really wasn’t so bad; we’re perfect for each other, so it was never a hassle. As for how I’ve coped going this long without him, … that’s been pretty tough.
Enny: You haven’t shown it!
MelbourneGirl: Plot device.
Enny: Huh?
MelbourneGirl: Retcon.
Enny: What are you talking about?
MelbourneGirl: MacGuffin.
Enny: Who’s that? MG, I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Gav: Don’t worry about it, Enny. It’s not important.
[Cut to later in the day. The Housemates are seated at the dining room table, eating an early dinner.]
Gav: This is great, MG. Thanks for cooking.
Enny: Yeah – thanks, MG!
MelbourneGirl: That’s alright. I hope it tastes okay. We’re pretty much out of everything, so I had to use whatever I could find lying around.
Enny: [Stops eating; looking cautious] Do I want to know?
MelbourneGirl: No.
[Enny continues eating. Gav looks at MelbourneGirl questioningly. MelbourneGirl looks out the window meaningfully, at the still-ajar door to the Big Blogger Farm. Gav laughs. MelbourneGirl looks down at her food, smirking. Enny looks up at them, confused by their smiles and laughter, but neither of them catch her eye.]
[Cut to later in the day. The Housemates are in the kitchen, washing and drying their dishes from dinner.]
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.
Enny: Oooohh! It’s happening!
Big Blogger: Housemates. You have ten minutes to be seated on the couch in the lounge. That is all.
Gav: This is it.
MelbourneGirl: Ooh goodie, ooh goodie, ooh goodie!
Enny: [Scraping some leftovers into the bin] Hey, what’s this? [She picks a lamb’s skull out of the bin. It is partly stripped of meat and looks quite gory. She looks at the others accusingly while they pretend to be innocent bystanders.] I think I’m gonna be sick.
[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is going wild.]
Feral: Well, there you have it: The final 24 hours in the Big Blogger House! And now it’s time to end the dream for one of our final three Housemates. They’ve all done a magnificent job, but only one of them can win. And before we get to that announcement, we have to evict one last unlucky soul who came so close, and yet not close enough.
[Cut to the House, where the three final Housemates are still seated on the couch.]
Feral: Hello, House.
Housemates: Oh boy / Here we go, huh? / Hi Feral / etc.
Feral: Are you ready for this?
Gav: No!
Enny: Not really.
Feral: Well, unfortunately you don’t get an option.
MelbourneGirl: Far out, this is stressful!
Feral: I’m being handed the envelope now, so whoever’s name I read out will be our third-place winner for Big Blogger 2006. Okay. Here we go. It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Enny!
[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]
MelbourneGirl: Oh no! [She bursts into tears.]
Enny: Don’t cry, MG! It’s alright!
Gav: I’m so sorry, Enny. [They hug.]
Enny: Don’t worry about it. Seriously! I’m fine. I’ve had a great time.
MelbourneGirl: [Crying] Mwhahahahahahahahahaha. [They hug.]
Enny: I know, sweetie. I know.
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Enny, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.
Enny: Yes sir!
Big Blogger: Enny. For calling Big Blogger “sir”, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.
Enny: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Gav: Don’t worry about that, babe. Focus on what a great job you did! You came all the way through to the final three! Probably the final day!
Enny: Yeah, I know. Congratulations to all of us, hey?
MelbourneGirl: [Crying] Wemewemeweme-huh-uh-uh-uhhhhh.
Enny: That’s right, darling, I know.
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Enny, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.
Enny: No wuckas. Listen, guys. I don’t care who wins; you’re both ace people and it’s been great getting to know you. Have a great time in here for however long’s left, and I’ll see you real soon! [She hugs them both again, then walks up to the Diary Room door. She steps through the doorway and the door closes behind her, while MelbourneGirl and Gav wave and call out encouraging things to her, like “Way to go!” and “On ya!”]
[Cut back to Feral on stage.]
Feral: Well! That’s certainly an upset for the books!
Ninja: [From offstage] Aww, CRAP!
Feral: While Enny makes her way up here, let’s take a look at a collection of “Best Of” moments from the Adults Only special that never went to air.
[Cut to a series of clips featuring the Housemates in various states of undress, having crude conversations as a group, and getting up to completely un-PG-rated shenanigans with each other, all set to “The Bad Touch” by the Bloodhound Gang.]
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[Cut back to Feral on stage. She is fanning herself and the audience is cheering the clips they have just seen, but also clearly need a glass of water and a lie down.]
Feral: Well! It’s a wonder the Housemates ever provided us with enough footage to use in our regular timeslot!
[The audience laughs.]
Feral: But in any event, we’re now ready to bring our most recent evictee out on stage. Here she is, everybody; Enny!
[The audience goes crazy, cheering like madmen and evenmadderwomen. Enny walks down the gangplank and greets Feral on stage.]
Enny: Hey there! [She hugs Feral.]
Feral: Hello! How do you feel?
Enny: Amazing! This is amazing!
[The audience bursts into further fits of applause.]
Feral: Well, for an Intruder, you certainly lasted the distance! The winner of Big Blogger will be announced tonight!
Enny: Oh wow, this is so intense! I think I’m going to faint!
Feral: Well, you’ve done very well, so congratulations for making it all the way to the final da—
Enny: No, really. I’m going to faint. Must be the fact that I don’t eat anything. Or that I’ve just eaten meat for the first time in years. [She slumps over a little on the couch.]
Feral: Well, take it easy. I’ll get someone to make you a milkshake or something.
Enny: No milk.
Feral: Er, … of course not.
Enny: Phew! I’m feeling a bit better now. I think I just needed a moment. [She sits up straight again.]
Feral: Boy, you had me scared for a minute, there. Maybe you should eat more eggs or something, for protein. [Enny just looks at her.] Oh, right – no eggs. Well, anyway, I was just congratulating you on coming so far as an Intruder.
Enny: Thank you, yes.
Feral: And clearly the crowd loves you.
[The audience roars its support of all things Enny.]
Enny: [Raising her hands in triumph to the audience] Woo! Yeah!
Feral: But obviously not as much as they love the last two remaining Housemates.
[The audience cheers even more loudly than they did a moment ago, and Enny’s face drops. She quickly picks it up and puts it back on again.]
Feral: Now, ordinarily this would be the part where I told you you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils later tonight, but because tonight’s the Grand Finale, that won’t be happening. So you’ve been spared that little injustice.
Enny: Saints be praised!
Feral: Instead, I get to give you your prizes.
Enny: Yee-haw!
Feral: Goodness me you’re an excitable one, aren’t you!
Enny: I’m just so happy to have been a part of this great adventure, Feral.
Feral: Anyway, here are your prizes: A 450 gram can of tomatoes, diced, and a two-year-old map of Ballarat and the surrounding districts.
Enny: So pretty much any old crap you could find lying around, huh?
Feral: You got it. But that’s not all! As you made it to the final three, you get an extra prize for your troubles: An official Big Blogger scarf, as worn here by our Big Blogger Model! Come on out, Bambi!
[Bambi, the heretofore unseen, unheard and unmentioned Big Blogger Model, walks on stage wearing the official Big Blogger scarf, walks up and down the catwalk, turns on the spot to show off the scarf from all angles, and then walks back into the wings.]
Feral: As you can see, it’s abnormally long and unwieldy, causing all manner of tripping and choking hazards, I’m sure.
Enny: Yeah …
Feral: So look out for that.
Enny: Thanks. I’m … um … speechless.
Feral: Good to hear, because we don’t have time for you to make a speech. Please thank her again, ladies and gentlemen: Your Big Blogger Second Runner-Up and Evictee Number 19, Enny!
[The audience applauds and cheers as Enny waves and leaves the stage.]
Feral: Let’s cut back to the House to see how our final two Housemates are fairing.
[Cut to the House. MelbourneGirl is returning to the couch with two cups of tea. She hands one to Gav, who is too excited to drink from it. They are clearly very nervous and don’t know what to say or do.]
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.
MelbourneGirl: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.
Gav: This is it.
Big Blogger: The winner of Big Blogger 2006 will be announced in fifteen minutes.
Gav: Aww!
MelbourneGirl: This is too much! It’s so stressful! I can’t bear it.
Gav: Just relax. Not long now.
MelbourneGirl: Oh boy. I need another <BEEP>in’ cup of tea to settle my nerves.
Gav: Let me make it for you. [He gets up and walks into the kitchen.]
MelbourneGirl: [Calling after him] And fill it three-quarters of the way with whisky, will you?
[Cut back to Feral on stage.]
Feral: Okay, well, they’re doing okay, and we know that the big announcement is only minutes away. But now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. This would have to be the most anticipated, most exciting, most ridiculously over-explained all-dancing, all-singing musical number that’s ever been written out in description-form, ever! That’s right, please welcome back to the stage your former Housemates, to perform a musical review for your entertainment pleasure! I give you … the Big Blogger 2006 Housemates!
[The audience goes wild as Feral makes her way off stage. The lights go low and smoke fills the auditorium. A hush falls over the crowd and not a sound can be heard as the seconds tick by. The suspense is building. Finally, a low hum can be heard on the edge of forever. Then a piano chord is played, and a guitar riff follows closely behind. The audience instantly recognises the tune, and excitement leads them to cheer as the familiar strains of Robbie Williams’ “Let Me Entertain You” begin to fill the auditorium. Spotlights whip around the stage, illuminating the smoke and excitement. So far no one is on stage.]
Robbie Williams: [Music track] Hell is gone and heaven's here / There's nothing left for you to fear / Shake your arse come over here / Now scream / I'm a burning effigy / Of everything I used to be / You're my rock of empathy / My dear.
[During the above lyrics, the Housemates run on stage one by one through the centre split of a large curtain at the back of the stage that depicts the Big Blogger logo. The Housemates are all dressed in wild and crazy costumes, and they dance around the stage until they’re all standing in their own little section, facing the audience. They enter in order of eviction, starting with No Dramas, then John Surname, Clokeeeey, LittleFaerieGirl, Audrey & The Bad Apples, Dxxxx, Tammiodo, Tyson, TOBYtoby, RichardWatts, Steph, Elaine, Sublime-ation, Pomgirl, Mars, Magical_M and finally Javatari, who stands centre-stage, wrapping his cape around him as the beat builds into the chorus.]
Robbie Williams: [Music track] So c’mon, let meeee-eeeee entertain you!
[Each Housemate, left to right across the stage, strikes a different individual pose in rapid-fire between the first two lines of Robbie’s chorus.]
Robbie Williams: [Music track] Let meeee-eeeee entertain you!
[Each Housemate, right to left across the stage, strikes another individual pose in rapid-fire before the next verse starts.]
Robbie Williams: [Music track] Life's too short for you to die / So grab yourself an alibi / Heaven knows your mother lied / Mon cher.
[As one, each Housemate strikes an identical pose, head down, right fist extended up in the air, left hand by their side, feet spaced shoulder-length apart. They are lit only by a spotlight directly above each of them, casting their faces in shadow and an eerie look to the group as a whole.]
Robbie Williams: [Music track] Separate your right from wrongs / Come and sing a different song / The kettle's on so don't be long / Mon cher.
[During the guitar riff that falls between the second verse and the chorus, the Housemates spring to life and run in a giant circle around the stage, ending up spread out in a straight line across the entire length of the back of the stage. They sway from side to side, clicking their right hands and miming along to the words.]
Robbie Williams: [Music track] So c’mon, let meeee-eeeee entertain you! / Let meeee-eeeee entertain you!
[The music segues into another song, the lights dim, and the Housemates freeze. We can now see each Housemate in silhouette only.]
Shania Twain: [Music track, spoken] Let’s go, girls!
[As the opening chords of “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” are played, the audience goes wild and the female Housemates walk forward from the line in time to the music and stand across the front of the stage. The male Housemates remain frozen in silhouette. As the song begins and the first two verses are played, the female Housemates mime along, pointing out at the audience and giving off a whole lotta attitude. The audience is loving it.]
Shania Twain: [Music track] I'm going out tonight / I'm feelin' alright / Gonna let it all hang out / Wanna make some noise / Really raise my voice / Yeah, I wanna scream and shout / No inhibitions / Make no conditions / Get a little outta line / I ain't gonna act politically correct / I only wanna have a good time.
[The female Housemates all run into the middle of centre stage, surrounding Magical_M who has the middle position. No Dramas and Steph get down on one knee and slide right in front of the others, while Mars and Sublime-ation lift Pomgirl and Audrey & The Bad Apples up on their shoulders. They all mime the chorus together, reveling in the attention they are getting from the delighted audience.]
Shania Twain: [Music track] The best thing about being a woman / Is the prerogative to have a little fun (fun, fun) / Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy / Forget I'm a lady / Men's shirts / Short skirts / Oh, oh, oh, really go wild / Yeah, doin' it in style / Oh, oh, oh, get in the action / Feel the attraction / Colour my hair / Do what I dare / Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free / Yeah, to feel the way I feel / Man! I feel like a woman!
[The female Housemates freeze in their final “Girl Power” pose as the song segues into another, at-first-unidentifiable song. The lights cut, and the girls run back to their positions in silhouette along the back of the stage. The boys unfreeze, and slowly make their way towards the front of the stage, moving to the beat. The audience soon recognises the song as Mötley Crüe’s “Girls, Girls, Girls”. They deliver just as much attitude as the female Housemates as they mime along in true hard rock fashion, slicking their hair back and doing their best to channel band members Vince Neil, Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx and Mick Mars.]
Vince Neil: [Music track] Friday night and I need a fight / My motorcycle and a switchblade knife / Handful of grease in my hair feels right / But what I need to make me tight are …
[The male Housemates cut fully sick, jumping around and playing air guitar and lying down on their backs and ‘crab walking’ along the stage. The audience is cheering them on, literally beside themselves with joy (it was “Bring Your Twin” night).]
Vince Neil: [Music track] Girls, Girls, Girls / Long legs and burgundy lips / Girls / Dancin' down on Sunset Strip / Girls / Red lips, fingertips.
[Clokeeeey bursts into an air guitar solo as the other male Housemates crowd around him and gaze adoringly at his magnificent playing skills. The audience lifts the game a bit by screaming for Clokeeeey like he’s a real rock star. As the air guitar solo comes to an end, the male Housemates return to their line across the front of the stage and mime to the next chorus.]
Vince Neil: [Music track] Girls, Girls, Girls / At the Dollhouse in Fort Lauderdale / Girls, Girls, Girls / Rocking in Atlanta at Tattletails / Girls, Girls, Girls / Raising Hell at the 7th Veil / Have you read the news / In the Soho Tribune / Ya know she did me / Well then she broke my heart / Girls, Girls, Girls!
[The music comes to a crashing halt as the lights go out on stage. In the darkness, the male Housemates return to the back of the stage and take up their positions in silhouette with the female Housemates. Unseen by the audience, Magical_M moves forward to centre stage, and three spotlights turn on her at once. In the same beat, she turns to the audience and mimes to a Billy Idol classic, making the audience wet itself with excitement.]
Billy Idol: [Music track] Hottt in the city / Hottt in the city tonight / Tonight!
[Magical_M dances around the stage on her own, finishing back in the centre stage spot where she grabs the men’s business shirt she’s wearing, rips it open (buttons flying everywhere) and reveals the Bonds shirt underneath. Printed on the shirt are the words: DANCE CAPTAIN. The audience roars its approval at her excellent choreography work. As the song builds to the chorus, Magical_M pulls out all manner of 80s dancing moves, suiting her get-up (which includes fluorescent pink leg warmers), and turning the audience into a frenzied mob.]
Billy Idol: [Music track] Stranger … / Stranger … / For all the dreams and schemes / People are as they seem / On a hot summer night / Don’t be no fun / Don’t forget you’re young / On a hot summer night / A sometime someone you’re not / Don’t wait to see what you got / ‘Cause you know that you’re / Hottt in the city / Hottt in the city tonight / Tonight / Don’t you know that you’re / Hottt in the city / Hottt in the city tonight / Tonight! / Tonight! / Tonight! / Hottt … hottt … hottt!
[Magical_M freezes and the spotlights cut. Immediately, on stage left, another spotlight comes on and finds Dxxxx, ready to rock. She is also wearing 80s dance fashion, and as Cyndi Lauper comes on over the sound system, Dxxxx begins to mime the words with great enthusiasm.]
Cyndi Lauper: [Music track] The phone rings in the middle of the night / My father yells "What you gonna do with your life?" / Oh, Daddy, dear / You know you're still number one / But girls / They wanna have fu-un / Oh, girls / Just wanna have …
[Dxxxx is rubbing her hands all over her body in time to the music, and despite (or perhaps because of) the nature of the song – and of Dxxxx herself – the men in the audience are cheering louder than anyone.]
Cyndi Lauper: [Music track] That's all they really want / Some fun / When the working day is done / Oh, girls / They wanna have fu-un / Oh, girls / Just wanna have fun.
[The lights cut again and Dxxxx disappears. Simultaneously, a spotlight comes on over on stage right, revealing Tyson sitting at a piano, pretending to play along with the Billy Joel song that starts playing.]
Billy Joel: [Music track] It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday / The regular crowd shuffles in / There’s an old man sitting next to me / Makin’ love to his tonic and gin / He says, “Son, can you play me a memory? / I’m not really sure how it goes / But it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete / When I wore a younger man’s clothes.”
[Then the audience joins in as Tyson reaches the really well-known part.]
Billy Joel: [Music track] La la la, de de da / La la, de de da da / Dahhhh / Sing us a song, you’re the piano man / Sing us a song tonight / Well, we’re all in the mood for a melody / And you’ve got us feelin’ alright.
[As the spotlight on Tyson disappears, we hear the sound effect of someone quickly and carelessly pulling the needle off a record. It’s the international audio symbol for “hurried and forced silence”. After a second, Björk’s voice can be heard ]
Björk: [Music track] It’s / Oh / So / Quiet.
[The lights come up on Sublime-ation, who is standing centre stage in a tiny spotlight, which only surrounds her head. For the moment, we are unable to see the rest of her. The spotlight gradually widens as she mimes to the slow-paced opening verse of the song.]
Björk: [Music track] It’s oh / So still / You’re all alone / And peaceful until …
[Just as the song goes crazy, the spotlight finishes widening and we see that Sublime-ation is wearing a fake swan as a dress, Björk-style. Sublime-ation begins to go nuts, miming to the song and staying true to its nutty singer.]
Björk: [Music track] You fall in love / Zing, boom / The sky up above / Zing, boom / Is caving in / Wow, bam! / You've never been so nuts about a guy / You wanna laugh you wanna cry / You cross your heart and hope to die!
[At this point, Sublime-ation steps in front of a backdrop, made to look like a park or backyard. There is grass all around and a fake tree in the middle of the very realistic-looking painting. Stepping behind a curtain for a second, she re-appears wearing a green T-shirt and long blue floral skirt, is handed a piano accordion, and begins to play. Lo-and-behold, Sublime-ation’s pet goat appears from side stage, and joins her for the rest of the number. The goat, “Nanny”, is a black goat that wears a black T-shirt, and stands up on its hind legs as Sublime-ation continues to play and mime along to the Björk song.]
Björk: [Music track] 'Til it's over and then / It's nice and quiet / But soon again / Starts another big riot / You blow a fuse / Zing, boom / The devil cuts loose / Zing, boom / So what's the use / Wow, bam! / Of falling in love?
[The spotlight on Sublime-ation and Nanny goes out, and the backdrop is removed in the darkness. The next song is played, and the lyrics have been specially re-recorded for the performance given by LittleFaerieGirl, who appears dressed in a fairy outfit, complete with wings and a wand. She tiptoes around the stage, pointing her wand at members of the audience as she passes them. Aqua’s most famous track plays overhead as she mimes along.]
Lene: [Music track] I'm a Faerie Girl, in the Faerie world / Life in dresses / Breath compresses / You can touch my wings / Be careful, though, it stings / Imagination / Life is your creation.
Rene: [Music track] Come on Faerie, let's go scary!
[The songs then moves into a dance beat without lyrics for a time. Attached to transparent wires, LittleFaerieGirl surprises the audience by being lifted up into the air above their heads and soaring around the auditorium to the gasps and applause of the crowd. She is lifted up and twisted around and around in the empty space of the auditorium, before alighting once more on the stage in time for her final chorus.]
Lene: [Music track] I'm a Faerie Girl, in the Faerie world / Magic wands, and / Frogs in ponds, and / You can make a wish / I’ll grant it really swish-ly / Sick of singing / Sad about not winning.
Rene: [Music track] Come on Faerie, you don’t care-y!
Lene: [Music track, spoken] Oh, I hate you, Ken.
[The spotlight disappears and the crowd goes wild. Ween’s “Push Th’ Little Daisies” is heard, and TOBYtoby strides into the spotlight, his hair plastered over his face and acting (?) like he’s high on marijuana. Miming perfectly to the screeched lyrics, he staggers around the stage to the delight of the crowd.]
Dean Ween: [Music track] When you lie, kiss your baby bye, bye, bye / And if you're true, the whole wide world will laugh with you / When we see nothing's wrong with you and me / Time will tell, it might even bring a wedding bell.
[TOBYtoby falls to his knees and holds his head in his hands as he continues. The audience loves this. It’s so alternative rock.]
Dean Ween: [Music track] If you think that I'm a loser / Well you suck, 'cause you know I ain't nothin' but a user / Of your love I can't get enough / Girl it's true, the whole wide world is smiling with you.
[Standing up again, TOBYtoby puts his everything into bounding around the stage to the familiar chorus. He darts from one end to the other, no doubt tiring himself out, but being 100% committed to the performance. What a trooper.]
Dean Ween: [Music track] Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up / Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up / Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up / Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up.
[TOBYtoby collapses onto the stage – which is hopefully part of the act – and the spotlight immediately streaks across the stage to capture Audrey & The Bad Apples. She’s dressed in tight black hot pants and a tight red blouse – all made of leather. Her hair is teased out and looking very ‘80s glam’. The familiar rock beat warns Warrant fans that perhaps their most famous song is about to be played. Instead of miming the words, Audrey is the subject of the song, as Warrant has kindly re-recorded the piece for the Big Blogger Grand Finale.]
Jani Lane: [Music track] She’s my apple pie / Cool drink of water / Such a sweet surprise / Tastes so good / Make a grown man cry / Sweet apple pie / Oh yeah! / She’s my apple pie / Put a smile on your face / Ten miles wide / Looks so good / Bring a tear to your eye / Sweet apple pie.
[Audrey & The Bad Apples dances around like a pole dancer, kick her legs high in the air, dipping her head and swinging her hair around and around and around, writhing her body in time to the beat and enjoying herself no end.]
Jani Lane: [Music track] I scream, you scream / We all scream for her / Don't even try, 'cause / You can't ignore her / She’s my apple pie / Cool drink of water / Such a sweet surprise / Tastes so good / Make a grown man cry / Sweet apple pie / Oh yeah! / She’s my apple pie / Put a smile on your face / Ten miles wide / Looks so good / Bring a tear to your eye / Sweet apple pie / Sweet apple pie / Swing it!
[Audrey & The Bad Apples ends her dance by doing the splits, and the crowd goes wild. The next song to start up is slow by comparison, and No Dramas emerges from the darkness dressed as a punk schoolgirl. The reason for this quickly becomes apparent when the music to “Voodoo Child” by The Rogue Traders starts to blare through the auditorium, and No Dramas begins to move around like Natalie Bassingthwaighte – which is quite a sight, I assure you!]
Natalie Bassingthwaighte: [Music track] Baby, baby, baby / You are my voodoo child / My voodoo child / Don't say maybe, maybe / It's supernatural / I'm coming undone?
[No Dramas start gyrating her hips in a way that once got Elvis Presley in so much trouble, and then walks the full length of the stage, from left to right, while making ‘naughty’ eyes at the audience. For their part, they’re loving it.]
Natalie Bassingthwaighte: [Music track] So here it comes / The sound of drums / Here comes the drums / Here comes the drums? / Baby, baby, baby / You are my voodoo child / My voodoo child / Don't say maybe, maybe / It's supernatural / I'm coming undone?
[No Dramas removes her necktie and swings it around and around her head, eventually throwing it into the audience as she finishes her performance.]
Natalie Bassingthwaighte: [Music track] Baby, baby, baby / You are my voodoo child / My voodoo child / Don't say maybe, maybe / It's supernatural / I'm coming undone? / Baby, baby, baby / You are my voodoo child / My voodoo child / Don't say maybe, maybe / It's supernatural / I'm coming undone?
[The lights cut out again, and this time it stays dark while the next song begins. The audience isn’t sure where it should be looking, so they strain their necks looking about the place, trying to see if they’re missing something. Over the sound system comes the music and lyrics to John Farnham’s “Don’t You Know It’s Magic?”, but there is still no one visible performing the piece.]
John Farnham: [Music track] Don't you know it's magic? / Ah baby, it's magic / Look in her eyes they're a little bit hazy / Paradise coming to a sweet little lady.
[Suddenly the stage is filled with every light in the place. The effect is so bright, particularly after thirty seconds of complete darkness, that the audience has to sheild its eyes from the blinding light. After a moment, they peer out from between their fingers to see Javatari, floating in mid air above centre stage, miming to the words as the other Housemates stand in their positions across the back of the stage … although they appear to be genuinely surprised.]
John Farnham: [Music track] Well don't you know it's magic? / Oh baby, it's magic / Magic carpet ride for a woman in love / Don't you know it's magic? / Ah baby, it's magic / Look in her eyes they're a little bit hazy / Paradise coming to a sweet little lady.
[The audience isn’t too impressed by this latest effect from Javatari. After all, LittleFaerieGirl has already performed this same trick just a few minutes earlier. But suddenly Javatari floats backwards until he is hovering over the other Housemates, and he sprinkles some kind of glittery dust over each of them, then uses his hands to command them to rise. Startled beyond belief, each of them begins to float up in the air and form a single line behind Javatari, who then flies out above the crowd and ‘swims’ a figure eight through the air. The other Housemates, as if against their will or control, follow him in single file. It is obvious by their reactions that this was not rehearsed and is a genuine trick. The audience starts to realise what a spectacular event they’re witnessing, and begin to cheer Javatari while he mimes to the song.]
John Farnham: [Music track] Don't you know it's magic? / Ah baby, it's magic / Look in her eyes they're a little bit hazy / Paradise coming to a sweet little lady.
[Javatari and the other Housemates land on the stage safely, and in formation. All except for John Surname, whose landing is somewhat ‘bumpy’, due to coming down to the ground head first. The song finishes and the crowd goes crazy applauding for Javatari. The lights go out except for one spotlight, which is centred on Pomgirl. Now fully composed again, she slowly walks forward to the strains of Patsy Cline’s “Crazy”.]
Patsy Cline: [Music track] Crazy / I’m crazy for feeling so lonely / I’m crazy / Crazy for feeling so blue / I knew / You’d love me as long as you wanted / And then someday / You’d leave me for somebody new.
[As Pomgirl reaches the front of the stage, she pulls a jar of Vegemite out of her pocket, unscrews the lid, and begins to put dabs of it on her nose and cheeks.]
Patsy Cline: [Music track] Worry? / Why do I let myself worry? / Wond'ring / What in the world did I do? / Crazy / For thinking that my love could hold you / I'm crazy for trying / And crazy for crying / And I'm crazy for loving you.
[By now she has coated so much Vegemite on her face that her skin is visibly starting to redden around the edges of the stuff. It really does sting the skin, folks – don’t try this at home. Pomgirl is an experienced crazy woman.]
Patsy Cline: [Music track] Crazy / For thinking that my love could hold you / I'm crazy for trying / And crazy for crying / And I'm crazy for loving you.
[As the final section of the piano music is played out, Pomgirl turns around and slowly walks back to her place at the back of the stage. The lights cut out and then a heap of different coloured spotlights come on, roving around and around on the stage while RichardWatts dances about, dressed like Peter Allen in his multi-coloured flamenco dancer costume, shaking a pair of maracas and sporting a massive grin.]
Martha Wash: [Music track] Humidity is rising / Barometer's getting low / According to all sources / The street's the place to go / ‘Cause tonight for the first time / Just about half-past ten (half-past ten) / For the first time in history / It's gonna start raining men …
[RichardWatts spins on the spot and is joined on stage by a chorus line of buff young men, five on each side of him, who all join hands and perform can-can kicks with him. All they are wearing are black bow ties, white jocks and black dancing shoes. A true professional, RichardWatts keeps his eyes on the audience, his gigantic smile in no fear of fading anytime soon.]
Martha Wash: [Music track] It's raining men! / Hallelujah! / It's raining men! / Amen! / I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get / Absolutely soaking wet! / It's raining men! / Hallelujah! / It's raining men! / Every specimen! / Tall, blonde, dark and lean / Rough and tough and strong and mean.
[The dancing boys run off stage as RichardWatts continues to perform high kicks on his own, all the while grinning like a Cheshire cat with a fresh saucer of milk – although that’s a poor analogy, because as a species, cats are lactose intolerant and should be never be given any kind of dairy product. Just like Enny.]
Martha Wash: [Music track] It's raining men! / Hallelujah! / It's raining men! / Amen! / I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get / Absolutely soaking wet! / It's raining men! / Hallelujah! / It's raining men! / Every specimen! / Tall, blonde, dark and lean / Rough and tough and strong and mean.
[The lights go out and RichardWatts disappears amidst rapturous applause and wolf-whistles. A drumming and trumpeting effect can be heard in the gap that follows, which slowly builds into a operetta-style crescendo, picking up the musical thread of Gilbert & Sullivan’s “Pirates of Penzance”. Naturally, Elaine appears dressed in full pirate gear, brandishing a sword and singing the newly-modified lyrics to perhaps the best-known pirate song in the world.]
Elaine: Oh, better far to live and die / Under the brave black flag I fly / Than play a sanctimonious part / With a pirate head and a pirate heart / Away to the cheating world go you / Where pirates all are well-to-do / But I’ll be true to the song I scream / And live and die a Pirate Queen.
[The lights come up on stage to reveal the other Housemates, now all wearing a bandana and/or an eye-patch, standing alongside Elaine and joining in the song.]
Elaine: For I am a Pirate Queen! / And it is, it is, a thing to be seen / To be a Pirate Queen! / For I am a Pirate Queen!
Housemates: You are! Hurrah for the Pirate Queen!
Elaine: And it is, it is, a thing to be seen / To be a Pirate Queen.
Housemate: It is! / Hurrah for the Pirate Queen / Hurrah for the Pi-raaaaaaaaate … Queen!
[On the final flourish of the number, Elaine swings her sword at the nearby Housemates, most of whom duck out of the way. Only John Surname is unmoved. Elaine’s sword swipes by his ear so deftly that it removes his eye-patch without harming him. The other Housemates fall into darkness as a single spotlight is trained on John Surname, and he steps forward to the beat of the Split Enz classic song, “Six Months In A Leaky Boat”, only this song has also been specially re-recorded for the Big Blogger Grand Finale.]
Tim & Neil Finn: [Music track] When I was a young boy / I wanted to sail 'round the world / That's the life for me / Living on the sea / Spirit of a sailor / Circumnavigates the globe / The lust of a pioneer / Will acknowledge no frontier / I remember you by / Thunderclap in the sky / Lightning flash, tempers flare / 'Round the horn if you dare / I just spent six days in an online House / Staying quiet’r than a mouse / Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
[John Surname moves around the stage like a graceful swan (although not the same one Sublime-ation was wearing earlier), and mesmerises the audience with his truly addictive and sensitive approach to the piece. He dances “artistically” for a full minute before finally bowing to the astonished crowd who had no idea he was so versatile of nature and flexible of groin. In the pause that follows, the spotlight lingers on an empty section of the stage for a moment before Tammiodo slides into the light and the theme song for “The Smurfs” starts up and she begins to prance around the stage like a loon. The crowd is laughing and cheering this unexpected turn of events.]
The Smurfs: [Music track] La la la la la la / Sing a happy song / La la la la la la / Smurf the whole day long / Next time you’re feeling blue / Just let a smile begin / Happy things will come to you.
Smurfette: [Music track, spoken] So Smurf yourself a grin!
Gargamel: [Music track, spoken] Oooo, I hate Smurfs! I’ll get you, I’ll get all of you! If it’s the last thing I ever do! He he he he haaa!
The Smurfs: [Music track] La la la la la la / Now you know the tune / You’ll be Smurfing soon!
[As the music comes to an end, Tammiodo stops moving, looks offstage to her right, and demands angrily:]
Tammiodo: Is that it?! That’s all I get? What do the <BEEP>in’ Smurfs have to do with anything??!
[After a second’s thought, new music starts up instead. Recognising it as Wolfmother’s “Woman”, Tammiodo smiles to herself and begins to rock out. The audience joins her.]
Andrew Stockdale: [Music track] Woman / You know you / Woman / You gotta be / Woman / I've got to feeling alone / When you're talking to me, see right through me / I've got to feeling alone.
[Tammiodo begins to head-bang on the spot. The crowd goes wild.]
Andrew Stockdale: [Music track] She's a woman, you know what I mean / You better listen, listen to me / She's gonna set you free / Oh, oh, yeah …
[The beat goes nuts and Tammiodo follows close behind. Eventually the beat slows down and the lights fade out on Tammiodo, picking up on Mars instead, as the song segues into “Superfreak” by Rick James. Mars has teased her hair into a giant afro, mimicking Bobby Flynn from Australian Idol for some reason. Thankfully her rendition of the song and her dance moves don’t also mimic Bobby’s version of the song. She runs from one end of the stage across to the other, high-fiving the front row of the audience as she speeds past them. Then she turns around and runs all the way back again, reacting to the song as if it’s about her, and waving her arms around above her head like she’s on fire.]
Rick James: [Music track] She's a very kinky girl / The kind you don't take home to mother / She will never let your spirits down / Once you get her off the street / That girl is pretty wild now / The girl's a super freak / The kind of girl you read about / In new-wave magazine / That girl is pretty kinky / The girl's a super freak / I really love to taste her / Every time we meet / She's all right, she's all right / That girl's all right with me, yeah / She's a super freak, super freak / She's super-freaky, yow / Super freak, super freak!
[Mars finishes her altogether-too-crude dance moves for me to describe in detail here, and the audience applauds and cheers for more. Insatiable grubs. But as the lights fade on Mars, a spotlight comes up on centre stage. No one is in it, but the roar of a motorbike can be heard. It revs once, twice, three times, then suddenly Clokeeeey enters the arena from the back of the audience section, and drives a Harley Davidson motorcycle down the gangplank and into the spotlight. He is wearing a black leather jacket, dark sunglasses, white Bonds shirt and blue denim jeans. His hair is greased back and he is brimming with attitude. It’s unclear whether he’s trying to be James Dean from Rebel Without A Cause or John Travolta from Grease. Either way, the girls in the audience are swooning and the guys in the audience are cheering him on. The familiar beat from Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing” is played, and Clokeeeey parks and gets off the motorcycle. Although he doesn’t mime to the words, he struts up and down the front of the stage area, flicking his collar up and scowling at the audience. The place is dissolving into cheers and catcalls. A pair of granny-sized knickers lands on the stage near his feet, but he ignores them.]
Jimi Hendrix: [Music track] Wild thing / You make my heart sing / You make everything … groovy / C’mon, wild thing.
[The crowd continues to scream like it's in labour, as Clokeeeey strides up and down the stage, combing his hair, ruffling his leather jacket, putting his hands in his pockets and pouting at the audience.]
Jimi Hendrix: [Music track] Wild thing / You make my heart sing / You make everything … groovy / Yeah, wild thing / Yeah, wild thing / Yeah, yeah, wild thing / Yeah, yeah, yeah, wild thing / Oh, sock it to me / Wild thing!
[As the final strains of the song die away, Clokeeeey mounts the motorcycle again, and with one casual glance at the crowd, speeds it offstage into the wings while the audience goes hysterical. The music quickly segues into “Devil Woman” by Cliff Richard, and every spotlight in the place centres on Steph, wearing a slinky red cocktail dress, a la Jessica Rabbit, leaning up against the proscenium arch on the opposite side of the stage to where Clokeeeey has no doubt crashed the Harley backstage by now. Looking like a seductress in heat, Steph slinks her way front and centre from the side of the stage, taking great care to make every step a heart-stopper.]
Cliff Richard: [Music track] She's just a devil woman / With evil on her mind / Beware the devil woman / She's gonna get you! / She's just a devil woman / With evil on her mind / Beware the devil woman / She's gonna get you from behind …
[While the audience is transfixed by her powers of commanding attention, Steph slowly removes the elbow-length red glove from her right arm and drops it into the front row of the audience. Three men and one woman break into a fight over who gets to keep it and Steph casually strolls further along the row before removing the elbow-length red glove from her left arm and wrapping it around the neck of one lucky guy a few seats up from the melee. He gulps, wide-eyed, and is elbowed sharply in the ribs by his wife.]
Cliff Richard: [Music track] She's just a devil woman / With evil on her mind / Beware the devil woman / She's gonna get you! / She's just a devil woman / With evil on her mind / Beware the devil woman / She's gonna get you …
[Steph blows a kiss at the audience, turns her back on them, and promptly marches back to her place in the line-up across the back of the stage. Clokeeeey also resumes his original position, and for a moment all seventeen former Housemates are in their silhouette poses. Then the stage lights all come on again, and a new, upbeat song begins. Enny, now dressed as a Vegas showgirl, is led to the centre stage position by the Ninja, who points to the precise middle of the stage and departs. Looking a little bewildered and flummoxed, Enny has trouble looking down because of her giant, bright yellow, feathery headwear. Her matching bright yellow leotard is covered in sequins and her make-up is as loud and gaudy as her costume. The other Housemates surround her and they all start singing along with the famous Sister Sledge recording to finish their group performance arm-in-arm.]
Sister Sledge: [Music track] We are family / I got all my sisters with me / We are family / Get up, ev’rybody, and SING!
[The audience can sense that this is the big finish, so they begin to clap along in time to the beat. While the music continues and the former Housemates are having the time of their lives up there on stage, we cut to the House and see MelbourneGirl and Gav watching the performance on screen, laughing and clapping along with the crowd. Their eyes are sparkling as if they’ve been laughing their arses off for the past ten minutes … which, of course, they have. Cut back to the stage. The former Housemates are miming the words to the verse as they smile and wave to the audience and to the cameras.]
Sister Sledge: [Music track] Ev'ryone can see we're together / As we walk on by / FLY! / And we fly just like birds of a feather / I won't tell no lie / ALL! / All of the people around us they say / Can they be that close? Just let me state for the record / We're giving love in a family dose.
[The music picks up at this point, the lighting starts going super-fast, and the crowd lifts its volume to match the final part of the song. The Housemates continue to pop and bounce to the beat, smiling and laughing as they mime to the words.]
Sister Sledge: [Music track] We are family / I got all my sisters with me / We are family / Get up, ev’rybody, and SING! / We are family / I got all my sisters with me / We are family / Get up, ev’rybody, and SING! / We are family / I got all my sisters with me / We are family / Get up, ev’rybody, and SING!
[There is a sudden explosion of light and sound as the song finally comes to a complete stop. The Housemates freeze in their final pose, arms extended up in the air and smiles on their faces that appear to be as wide as the ocean. The crowd is going absolutely bonkers with cheering and applause, and we briefly cut away to the House and see that Gav and MelbourneGirl are also on their feet, applauding and cheering in the lounge. We cut back to the stage and see a delighted Feral approaching the group of former Housemates with her microphone.]
Feral: That was amazing! What a performance!
[The crowd continues to cheer. Eventually they quieten down and the former Housemates stand in a group, their arms around each other as they glorify in the adulation of the crowd and the world.]
Feral: I especially like that you started off with “Let Me Entertain You”, and you certainly delivered!
RichardWatts: I kissed Robbie Williams once, you know!
No Dramas: Who hasn’t!
Feral: That’s amazing. Each of you performed so well! And even Enny had a brief appearance!
Enny: I had no idea what was going on. I was dressed in that outfit and told to stand in the middle of the stage singing along to the words!
Steph: You did a great job, sweetie.
TOBYtoby: Absolutely.
Enny: Thanks.
[The crowd roars its approval.]
Feral: Why don’t we see what your two harshest critics thought?
[Cut to the House, where MelbourneGirl and Gav are still watching the proceedings on their TV screen. When they see themselves appear on the screen, their eyes light up.]
Gav: Hey! It’s us!
MelbourneGirl: Woo-hoo!
Feral: Hello, House.
MelbourneGirl: Hi Feral!
Gav: Hello!
Feral: What did you think of your former Housemates’ performance?
MelbourneGirl: Wow, that was <BEEP>in’ excellent!
[The former Housemates and the audience all laugh at MelbourneGirl’s frankness.]
Gav: It was just awesome, guys. So hysterical. Well done.
MelbourneGirl: Sweetie, you were gorgeous! I can’t WAIT to get out there and kiss you!
[Pause.]
Feral: I think she’s talking to you, Clokeeeey.
Clokeeeey: Oh! I wasn’t sure who she was talking to!
[Everyone laughs.]
MelbourneGirl: You idiot!
Clokeeeey: I’ve missed you, too, darling. We’ll see you soon!
Feral: Yes you will, because the Big Blogger Winner will be announced in just two minutes. [The audience responds with its obligatory ”Ooooooooooh!”] Is there anything else any of you want to say before we head into it?
Steph: Gav, honey, I’m so sorry!
Gav: Aw, I love you, Steph!
[The audience responds with its sickening “Awwwwwwww!”]
Feral: That’s lovely! But enough of that. Former Housemates, you have to leave the stage now so we can prepare for the big announcement. [The audience cheers as the former Housemates file offstage and the lights are brought down low again – for a more intimate setting, doncha know.]
Feral: Alright, no matter what happens next, I want you both to know that you’ve each been incredible Housemates and given this game so much joy and excitement.
[Cut to the House.]
MelbourneGirl: Thanks, Feral.
Gav: Cheers.
Feral: So without further ado, … can I have the envelope, please. [The Ninja hands her the Big Blogger envelope. A soft drum-roll is played.] And the winner of Big Blogger 2006 … is … [The camera pans from MelbourneGirl to Gav.] … Adam!
[The audience gasps. The Housemates reacts in shock and surprise.]
Feral: Hang on a minute. Who’s Adam when he’s at home? What is this?
[The Ninja comes on stage, bounding in excitement, his fists raised in the air in triumph.]
Ninja: Yay! Yeah! Yay! I won! I won! Woo-hoo!
Feral: You didn’t win anything, you chump. You wrote this on here yourself. The real name’s been crossed out and you wrote your own name above it.
Ninja: That counts, doesn’t it?
Feral: No it doesn’t. Especially when you’ve written your name here in crayon.
[The Ninja looks dejected.]
Feral: And there are two “A”s in “Adam”, you moron.
[The Ninja looks like he’s been kicked in the guts. He turns and walks slowly off stage, his head hanging low. The audience laughs at his sorrow and misfortune.]
Feral: [Using a handkerchief to wipe the crayon off the card in her hand] Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. [To the Housemates] Sorry about that, guys. I’ll be with you in a moment.
[Cut to Gav and MelbourneGirl sitting on the couch, holding each others’ hands and looking even more nervous than before.]
Gav: [Whispering] This is crazy!
MelbourneGirl: I think I’m gonna be <BEEP>in’ sick!
Feral: Okay, I’ve wiped off all the crayon, now, so we can announce the winner at long last. [The drum-roll begins again.] The winner of Big Blogger 2006 … is … [The camera pans from MelbourneGirl to Gav and back again.] … Gav!
[The audience cheers for the winner and MelbourneGirl immediately hugs a very stunned-looking Gav.]
MelbourneGirl: [Above the roar of the crowd] Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!
Gav: Oh, man …
MelbourneGirl: Wheeee! Well done! Hooray! [She hugs him again, but he is still in shock and is non-responsive.] You deserve it, you really do.
Gav: I can’t believe it …
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. MelbourneGirl. You have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.
MelbourneGirl: Oh boy, I get to see Clokeeeey again!
Gav: [Finally coming to his senses] Oh, man – I’m so sorry, MG!
MelbourneGirl: Don’t be silly; I’m really, really happy for you. Well done! [She hugs him again, and this time he hugs her back.]
Gav: I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.
MelbourneGirl: Shh!
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. MelbourneGirl, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.
MelbourneGirl: Okay, here I go. [She hugs Gav one last time.]
Gav: I can’t believe this.
MelbourneGirl: You’re gonna have a great time tonight.
Gav: Oh, so are you!
[MelbourneGirl walks up to the Diary Room door and steps through the doorway. The door closes behind her, while Gav waves and smiles. When the door has closed, we see Gav sit down on the couch again, still very much in a daze. He put his head in his hands for a moment, then appears to hear the crowd chanting his name, which we can hear faintly ourselves. He gets up and walks outside, listening to the audience cheering for him. Slowly, it starts to dawn on him that he’s the only person left in the Big Blogger House, where twenty Housemates once resided for four months. He screams at the sky in delight and pent-up rage, then races back into the House, running from room to room, jumping on beds, throwing cushions at the walls, running in circles around and around the dining table, and generally having a good time rejoicing in the fact that he’s won. We watch him carry on like this for five full minutes, before crossing back to Feral on stage.]
Feral: There you have it; Gav’s our winner. But the night’s not over yet. We still have a few things to get through. We have to get Gav out here and present him with his prize, but first things first. Let’s welcome our second-place winner to the stage, MelbourneGirl!
[The audience goes crazy, cheering for MelbourneGirl as she walks down the gangplank and greets Feral on stage.]
MelbourneGirl: [Giggling like a MelbourneSchoolGirl] Oooh! I’m so excited!
Feral: Congratulations, MG – you did a great job!
[The audience roars in agreement.]
MelbourneGirl: Oh, thank you. I had a great time.
Feral: What do you think the secret was to getting so far through the game without being evicted?
MelbourneGirl: Oh, gosh … I dunno. Maybe probably just trying to be a friend to everybody and not taking any <BEEP> from anyone.
[The audience laughs. Swear words are funny.]
Feral: We had a theory going that it was all the cups of tea you were making everyone.
MelbourneGirl: Yeah, Magical_M said something about that, but I just think that’s silly. I make tea for all my friends.
Feral: Ah, how lovely. Now, I know you want to catch up with your family and friends, but first I have to give you your prizes.
MelbourneGirl: Oooh! Exciting!
Feral: Don’t get too excited; you haven’t heard what they are, yet.
MelbourneGirl: Oh, okay. They’re that bad, are they?
Feral: Yes.
MelbourneGirl. Oh.
Feral: And here they are! A busted padlock and a jar of beans.
MelbourneGirl: Wow, that’s … um … really …
Feral: It sure is. But that’s not everything. Because you made it to the final two, you get an extra prize to celebrate: An official Big Blogger scarf, as worn here by our Big Blogger Model! Come on out, Bambi!
[Bambi, the Big Blogger Model, walks on stage wearing the official Big Blogger scarf, walks up and down the catwalk, turns on the spot to show off the scarf from all angles, and then walks back into the wings.]
Feral: And as you can see, it’s abnormally long and unwieldy, which is perfect for causing all kinds of tripping and choking hazards.
MelbourneGirl: Wonderful.
Feral: Now, there’s just one more thing. Where is he?
[Suddenly, Clokeeeey runs in from the side of the stage and races towards MelbourneGirl. Seeing him coming, MelbourneGirl jumps to her feet and embraces him. They hold the hug for an extremely long time, tears readily flowing down their cheeks, as the audience gives them a standing ovation.]
Clokeeeey: I’m so proud of you, honey. You did so well.
MelbourneGirl: I missed you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Clokeeeey: Reading about your exploits online was so exciting, I can’t believe you were in the final two! We’re all so proud of you. I love you, honey.
Feral: If I can just interrupt for a second? [The audience calms down as Clokeeeey and MelbourneGirl break their hug to talk to Feral.]
MelbourneGirl: Oh boy, I’m exhausted.
Clokeeeey: [Beaming] I have that affect on you, don’t I!
[The audience chortles.]
Feral: I want to make sure that you two have as much time to get reacquainted as you possibly can, so we’ll just get you to head backstage so you can talk, and we’ll get our winner up on stage.
[The audience cheers at the mention of the winner.]
Feral: Please thank her again, ladies and gentlemen: Your Big Blogger First Runner-Up and Evictee Number 20, MelbourneGirl!
[The audience remains on its feet, cheering and applauding as MelbourneGirl and Clokeeeey head for the wings.]
MelbourneGirl: [As they exit the stage] How are the kids, darling?
Clokeeeey: Oh, they’re fine. They both missed you a lot.
MelbourneGirl: Clokes, we have three children.
[A momentary look of utter panic flashes across Clokeeeey’s face as they disappear offstage.]
Feral: Alright, let’s see what Gav is doing now.
[Cut to the House, where Gav is lying spread-eagle on his back in the backyard, staring up at the stars in wonder.]
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.
Gav: [Yelling in delirious excitement] HELLO BIG BLOGGER!
Big Blogger: Gav. Congratulations. You are the winner of Big Blogger 2006.
Gav: Woo-hoo!
Big Blogger: Please make your way to the Diary Room door for your trip to the Big Blogger stage.
[Gav stands up and begins to walk towards the House. Then he seems to get an idea, spins around, runs for the pool, and dives in, fully clothed. The audience goes into hysterics watching this act, and when Gav emerges, dripping wet, they begin a new chant for him, which they continue as he runs through the House and passes through the Diary Room door. Cut back to Feral on stage.]
Feral: My goodness! Somebody get that boy a towel! We’re gonna be slipping in puddles up here, if we’re not careful.
[The audience laughs, probably hoping that someone will break some bones.]
Feral: Well, while Gav’s making his way up here from the House, let’s take a look back at Gav’s time on Big Blogger.
[Cut to a collection of clips, being played in slow motion, showing Gav interacting with his fellow Housemates and having a great time. We see him laughing at the dining room table, sitting on the couch while the other guys jump on him “stacks on”-style, relaxing in the sauna with Steph, swimming in the pool with John Surname, telling a joke that makes everyone fall about laughing (sadly there is no sound to this), trying to explain the joke to Javatari afterwards, eating a forkful of food off TOBYtoby’s plate when he’s not looking, dressed up as The Swedish Chef falling over himself on Friday Night Live, throwing cushions across the lounge at Tyson, getting sconed in the head by a cushion thrown by Elaine, making out with Steph in the Rewards Room, basking in the sun on a deckchair in the backyard, helping Clokeeeey cook a BBQ on the patio, pulling his doona up over his head as he tries to drown out the noise of Magical_M, MelbourneGirl, Elaine, Mars, Sublime-ation, Pomgirl and Enny chattering, hugging Audrey & The Bad Apples and Dxxxx at Friday Night Live when their team got through to the next round, dancing with No Dramas and LittleFaerieGirl in the bathroom, showering alongside a very impressed RichardWatts, and saying goodbye to Tammiodo on her eviction night. We finish the video package by seeing Gav’s smiling face as he laughs at something happening off-screen. The camera fades to black.]
Feral: Presenting the Winner of Big Blogger 2006 … Gav!
[The techno beat is pumping, the audience is on its feet, cheers and chants of “Gav, Gav, Gav!” fill the air, and the camera zooms up the gangplank to meet a delighted and saturated Gav as he heads down the gangplank, high-fiving audience members he passes as he goes, and generally cheering himself on.]
Gav: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Go me! I rock! Woo-hoo!
[He reaches the end of the gangplank and is greeted by Feral on stage.]
Feral: Hi Gav, congratulations!
Gav: Thanks!
[The audience is still going crazy.]
Feral: So tell me … you’ve been in the House the longest. What’s it been like?
Gav: Oh, so incredible, Feral. Just mind-blowing. Such an experience.
Feral: Would you do it again?
Gav: Oh, hell no!
[The audience laughs and breaks up into more cheers.]
Feral: Well, you’ve done exceptionally well to outlast everyone else in that House, and it clearly means that the public loves you.
[The cheering crowd seems to back up this theory.]
Feral: And they’re not the only ones.
[Steph suddenly breaks free from the wings and runs to Gav. He jumps up and hugs her, the two of them completely lost in each other and all prior hassles forgotten. They begin to make out passionately, seemingly forgetting where they are.]
Feral: Hey, you two – cut that out! You’re on an international blog, here, remember!
Gav: [Breaking the kiss] Oh, sorry. [He and Steph sit on the couch.]
Steph: I’ve just missed him so much, Gretel.
Feral: It’s “Feral”.
Steph: Oh yeah, sorry.
Feral: So Gav, what do you plan to do with the prize money?
Gav: I have no idea how much it is.
Feral: You want to know? I’ll tell you now, if you like.
Gav: Yes please!
Feral: It’s two million dollars.
Gav: Whoa! <BEEP> <BEEP> <BEEP>!!
Steph: I know! Isn’t it great! And it’s all ours! … I mean yours.
Feral: But remember, that was before all the fines from the House were deducted, so for the first time, Big Blogger’s going to tell us the grand total remaining.
Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The prize money remaining from the two million dollars initially offered to the winner of Big Blogger … is … zero. [Gav, Steph and the audience react in shock at this news.] In fact, the Housemates owe Big Blogger an additional $25,000 in fines that could not be covered by the prize pool. Gav, as winner of Big Blogger, you are the one left holding the cheque, and as such, you will need to pay the outstanding $25,000 or else work it off somehow with manual labour. That is all.
Gav: [Looking even more dazed] Now I feel really sick …
Feral: Yeouch. In all these months, I never saw that coming. [Looking into the camera] Did you??
Steph: But how can … ? What about … ? But you won!
Gav: I won a debt.
Feral: [Laughing good-naturedly, because none of this really affects her] Oh, well. Live and learn, hey? Maybe next time you’re all stuck in a fake online reality TV show parody, you’ll learn not to rack up so many fines! Haha. It’s alright, though, because the prize money – or prize debt, as I guess we should call it now – isn’t the only reward you receive for winning Big Blogger.
[Gav brightens slightly.]
Steph: Oh crud.
Feral: You also receive this lovely can opener, and a cheap detective paperback.
Gav: Wow.
Feral: With the book, the final chapter’s missing, but you can probably work out whodunit for yourself.
Gav: Uh … yeah.
Feral: But there’s one more thing. Bambi!
[Bambi, the Big Blogger Model, walks on stage wearing the official Big Blogger scarf, walks up and down the catwalk, turns on the spot to show off the scarf from all angles, and then walks back into the wings.]
Feral: You also get an official Big Blogger scarf. Ridiculously and dangerously long, it’s perfect for those special occasions where you wish you could just trip over something and take an eye out.
Gav: Sounds charming.
Feral: It is. So that’s it. I hope you’ll consider the past four months worth it?
Gav: Uh …
Feral: [Taking that as a ‘yes’] Perfect! Well, all that remains is for me to announce the following. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Winner of Big Blogger 2006: Gav!
[The audience goes nuts. Gav waves and tries his best to smile. Steph half-heartedly hugs him from the side, but doesn’t appear to be too sure about things. Feral is oblivious to their discomfort.]
Feral: How about we bring all our Housemates out onto stage one last time!
[The former Housemates all reappear from the wings, congratulating Gav as they reach him.]
Feral: [Trying to call some sort of order from the massive huddle of Housemates trying to hug Gav, shake his hand and pat him on the back] Let’s all sit down on the couch. C’mon, there’s just a couple more things to go. [They all sit down on the impossibly large couch.]
Enny: [Turning to look at Javatari, puzzled, as he sits down next to her] Hey, who are you? What’s going on? This is for Housemates only.
Javatari: [Waving his hand in front of her face] Sleep!
[Enny immediately falls asleep, her head dropping down to rest on Javatari’s shoulder.]
Feral: So I just wanted to wish you all the best of luck in all your future endeavours. This whole exercise was primarily done in a bid to raise awareness of all your blogs – and this one here, too … let’s be honest! – and I hope we’ve been able to achieve that goal. Maybe now your blogs have been exposed to readers who might not otherwise have visited, and hopefully new friendships have been formed. It’s also exciting to know how some of you are already branching out in the media since becoming part of Big Blogger. For example, John Surname’s short film, which he wrote, directed, shot and edited himself, has been nominated for an Academy Award in the category for Best Short Film Written, Directed, Shot & Edited By A Uni Student 21-Years-Old Or Younger. So that’s great news.
[The audience and the other Housemates applaud his efforts.]
Feral: And remember, you can view the film for yourself by visiting his blog. It’s called Business Is Business, and I believe it’s all about what would happen if Eddie Maguire was to die – am I right, John Surname?
John Surname: Yeah, basically it’s a dark look at what could happ—
[He is cut short as Clokeeeey dives for him, grabbing him around the throat and strangling him. They fall off the back of the couch in a jumble of limbs.]
Clokeeeey: [In a murderous rage] NO ONE THREATENS TO KILL EDDIE MAGUIRE!!
[The audience laughs wholeheartedly, and MelbourneGirl jumps up to try and loosen Clokeeeey’s grip on John Surname’s neck.]
Feral: Well, that’s about all we have time for. All that remains is for me to announce that next month we’ll be launching Celebrity Big Blogger*, featuring some of the most well-known bloggers in the blogosphere who have reached some level of ‘celebrity’ status. Housemates at this point include Ms Fits, Clem Barstow, Travis Cotton, Andrew Landeryou, Zach Braff, and Bloggolympic Champion of the World, BEVIS. With a special guest appearance by Julia Zemiro.
* Not really. If anyone else wants to write this, though, just send me an email.
Feral: But for now, let's thank our 2006 Big Blogger Housemates!
AUDREY & THE BAD APPLES:
CLOKEEEEY:
DXXXX:
ELAINE:
ENNY:
GAV:
JAVATARI:
JOHN SURNAME:
LITTLEFAERIEGIRL:
MAGICAL_M:
MARS:
MELBOURNEGIRL:
NO DRAMAS:
POMGIRL:
RICHARDWATTS:
STEPH:
SUBLIME-ATION:
TAMMIODO:
TOBYTOBY:
TYSON:
Feral: And a huge thank you to each member of our amazing cast and crew. We could not have done this show without you. Particularly ...
BIG BLOGGER NINJA:
GERALD 'DITZY' FITZRYAN:
WHEE UM-AH:
MIKE GOLDENTONSILS:
FERAL KILLMEN:
AND, OF COURSE,
BIG BLOGGER HIMSELF:
Feral: We also have to thank each of you who supported this show over the past four months. Whether you read the show online or attended one of our eviction shows, it was great to take you on this journey with us. I'm Feral Killmen, and you're reading Big Blogger - where the game is well-and-truly over, and everyone's left the building. Good night!
Mike: [Voice over] Well, that’s it for me, and that’s definitely it for you. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Thanks for reading Big Blogger. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.
[Cut to the Big Blogger House, which is empty. After a moment, we hear a ‘tap tap tap’ noise and then the sound of someone trying to open a locked door.]
Big Blogger: Hey. Who locked this? Ahem. This is Big Blogger. Will someone please come and let me out of this voice-over booth. [Pause.] Hello? Anyone? [Pause.] Seriously, people. This is not funny. [Pause.] Can anybody hear me out there? I can’t unlock this door from the inside. Hey! Hello?! Help! This is Big Blogger! I’m not asking for much; just for someone to open this <BEEP>ing door! That is all!
[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]
Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.
.
posted by BEVIS @ 11:59 PM
30 comments
30 Comments:
that was bloody brilliant bevis, well done
what ever will you do with your time now? oh yeah, baby and stuff hey. anyway, like i said, brilliant
i especially liked me. and tammiodo is hot
Well, that's that. At long last!
My most sincere thanks to each of you for your comments, support, encouragement and involvement.
Despite how much time and energy it's taken me to create this thing, I thoroughly enjoyed writing Big Blogger and I hope you enjoyed reading it.
It may have come at the worst possible time in my life (if so, I have no one to blame for that but myself!), but we eventually made it.
Thanks in particular to each of you who permitted me such licence to fabricate all that rubbish about you and depict you as I saw fit! Your good humour and contentment to see what I'd say about you helped make the whole thing a lot easier than it could have been.
A special thanks to Tyson for creating the Big Blogger logo for me - doesn't it look fantastic?
Remember me when the Blog Awards roll around, people. :)
BEVIS.
On behalf of Big Blogger.
PS - If you're not sick to the back teeth with Big Blogger at the moment, check back in a few days for a current affairs-style "exposé" on the behind-the-scenes antics of Big Blogger. It's not to be missed! (Unless you can't bear the thought of it, in which case you should miss it.)
LittleFaerieGirl, how'd you get to post a comment before me?!
It only took me about 16 tries at posting the above comment before Blogger finally let it through! I must have overloaded it by posting the Finale.
Anyway, thank you. And I hope no one else has trouble posting a comment. (And Tammiodo is actress Zooey Deschanel - but shh, don't tell anyone!)
WOW
What a fantastic finale, you outdid yourself Bevis :)
I never knew I could dance like that, and oh how I had to practice those naughty eyes hehe :)
Well done Bevis :)
So that's what i look like! Very all-American, with pearly white teeth and a healthy glow.. heh
Kudos to you Bevis, i could never have written this as well as you have.. :)
AWWW Man - BEVIS - THAT WAS AWESOME!!
I really do hope that you do it again and let me re-enter - when I was freakin out over uni a few weeks ago, the highlight of my week was that I won the rewards room ;o)
Also - I LOVE the Adam/Ninja twist, and The Hun was laughing at the image of me falling over from lack of protein - THANKYOU!!!
(PS - thanks for also making ME look so hottt!)
zooey is my girl crush
my son informed me that he had a 'big boy crush on dino from big brother'
he's 7
Bevis, that was a RIDE! Thanks so much for putting so much effort into making us blogging dolts come off so well.
That was so much fun to read. I laughed and squealled through every paragraph.
Yay for pashing Gav, but just quietly, I think i have a thing for John Surname now. CUTE!
Cheers big ears!
Ha! Well done Bevis.
And I particularly loved what you did with the photos thing. Like, going for opposites and all. Love it. Right?
Faerie: Maybe you should have a chat to your boy about his life decisions. Tell him there are many nicer boys out there than smelly Dino.
tyson, im trying to get him into dean from australian idol, but i think he's holding back just to spite me
I love that you took my suggestions on the song & dance routine into account... I'm a little disappointed that Tommy Lee didn't make a special guest appearance during Girls Girls Girls though!
Oh and the DANCE CAPTAIN t-shirt was genius. Know where I can get one made?
Well done on a great finale... I'm a little disappointed my mate mg didn't win but well done gav!
Now what about a Blogger Idol??
xx m_m
ahahaha. Fantastic Bevis! Your use of Split Enz was most excellent, although I did seem to get the rough end of the stick :p congrats to Gav, and Steph, have you been drinking? can I have some of what you're on?
well done bevis. what an amazing finale, with the dancing and music and costumes etc. i laughed out loud several times.
must go now. clokey and i need to "catch up". and we have to find that third child around here somewhere!
x
I still say that you have too much time on your hands. ;-) Perhaps next year you'll get a job on the writing team for the real Big Brother cause of this. I'm sure you could certainly help them with the correct pronounciation for many of the scripts.
PS. I've never pulled a rabbit out of a hat!
i'm back. i also forgot to say congratulations to gav in my first comment - well done gav - I'M NOT A BAD LOSER, ALRIGHT?!
and i also wanted to mention sub and her goat. that was the bit that made me laugh out loud the most.
it was perfect.
Wrong.
Freakin'.
Decision.
Australia.
Although, I'm glad we didn't win a debt!!!
Excellent work Bevis.
HOLY MOLEY!! I'm exhausted!
That was awesome!!
Thanks for including me in this whole shebang of excellence. Somehow, through limited information you've managed to capture my ninjaness perfectly.
I'LL BEAT YOU NEXT TIME GAV!! NEXT TIME!!!!!
Good work kids you were great. Good work Mr Bevis, you're amazing/okayish!
That ride was better than a lowered Echo.
So many things made me laugh, but the thing that made me laugh the earliest was the third picture of the light show. Classic.
P.S) Who is Bambi?
i know who bambi is, don't i bevis? we all do? don't we?
All I'll say at this point is that 'Bambi' is yet to leave a comment. When she does, I'm sure she'll make it clear that it's her.
And it's not Wifey, if that's what you're thinking.
:)
In the famous words of Krusty the Clown "that just kept going, huh?".
But you saved it with that picture of Mike Goldentonsils.
(No offense intended)
i said i know who bambi is bevis. and she is not wifey. when i say i know, i mean i KNOW. i'm not guessing.
Probably you think i don't know. Obviously, i do. Maybe you underestimate the cryptic detective powers of melbourneGIRL.
Whoa! I'm quite nervous about Melbournegirls powers...
Anonymous, thankfully I'm not intelligent enough to see how your comment could possibly be offensive. (I don't recall ever describing Big Blogger as 'brief'.)
MG, I believe you; I was addressing my Wifey disclaimer to the general populace, in case that's how they read your cryptic clue.
Adam, you, too, can be that intuitive. All you have to do is visit the female Housemates' blogs (particularly those who STILL haven't commented here) and scroll down a bit to see Bambi in all her scarf-modelling glory.
Everyone else, many thanks for your kudos. Writing Big Blogger was a challenge, but I enjoyed (almost) every minute of it! :)
I am Bambi!
*shouts this in loud 'I Am Sparticus' type voice while removing enormous scarf*
Apologies for my tardiness in commenting (and..um..reading) but I wanted to linger over every word and not just skim through it. And y'now it does take me a long time to read now I've learned how to do it properly.
It was a right beeping laff being a part of this - thank you!
Px
And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what's known as "Bambi closure".
[No crude jokes about what YOU thought the term might have referred to, please.]
Pomgirl, make sure you also read the "Big Blogger Scandal".
(In your own time, of course.)
as i said:
P robably you think i don't know. O bviously, i do.
M aybe you underestimate the cryptic detective powers of melbourne
GIRL.
love closure, i do.
I knew where you were going, MG. Your sudden use of capital letters gave you away. Too rare an occurance. I love your work, though. I'm confident that very few others would have picked up on the subtlties of your message. x
(If you believe that, you'll believe anything. Well done, I missed your cryptic clue.)
ok, so I have low self-esteem and you used the goat thing again, and that's the only Bjork song that I really really hate, but THANK GOD IT WASN'T AQUA!
Plus my photo is kinda hot.
Well done BB.
Au revoir, reality tv!
Well done, Bevis. I finally managed to put aside a couple of hours to read the final week of posts. It makes me think of the stuff you used to write when we were at Uni. Aah, the good old days of procrastination and avoidance of homework. :)
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