Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 15

There was a lot of talk this week about 'The Blue Wiggle', Anthony Field, appearing on last night's episode of Thank God You're Here (TGYH) ... but they probably shouldn't have bothered highlighting it as a selling point.

No offense intended to Anthony, but he wasn't the best guest of the night. And the fact that he was the eventual winner kind of made the whole thing hard to swallow. Although perhaps it means it'll be his only appearance on the show, and if so, I'll be grateful for that. He wasn't terrible, but he certainly took his time to come up with most of his answers (which is the same issue I had with Anh Do four weeks ago).

Anthony was endearing and clearly had a good time, and I probably wouldn't have had a problem with him at all if he hadn't been awarded the winner of the night (cheapening it for everyone and coming across as a patronising prize more than anything else), but as far as excellence goes, others were better.

Those other performers of the night (in order of excellence) were Akmal Saleh, Hamish Blake (on the right of the photo; shown here with usual sparring partner Andy Lee), and The Wedge's Kate Jenkinson (the less-fat of the two "Pokie Ladies" you'd recognise from the ads ... you know those bits on the ads that make you cringe?).

Anyway, host Shane Bourne introduced the guests with his usual gusto and enthusiasm, and a bit of banter between Akmal and Hamish resulted in the first of three Kamahl jokes for the evening (and Kamahl jokes are funny at any time). “I am a Kamahl. Akmal; A-K’mal.” Shane even maintained his enthusiasm for his introduction of resident judge and Dad’s Joke serial killer, Tom Gleisner … which just goes to show Shane's amazing talents as an actor.

Akmal started us off, and he entered the stage dressed in a way that could simply have indicated he was a Buddhist (or similar). He was wearing an Indian-style yellow shirt and baggy maroon pants. Shane observed that he looked a bit like Kamahl now, and Akmal replied that there’s a bit of Kamahl in everything he wears. Upon entering the scene, he discovered he was a self-proclaimed psychic being interviewed on a TV talk show. The woman interviewing him started off by saying that he’s touched so many people’s lives … “Look, I haven’t touched anybody; these are just lies, you know, and are yet to be proven in the courts.” When asked a direct question about his psychic abilities, he skillfully evaded answering by asking, “Are you mentally undressing me?” He said he first realised he had psychic gifts at “about the same time I lost my job at Telstra”, and his new book’s title, Shamalaya, literally translates as: “Give me more money”. The interviewer then handed Akmal a purple jumper, saying it used to belong to her mother, and asked him what he could say about her from the garment. The points he raised were, “This belonged to your mother – am I right?”, “Female”, “Older than you”, and “No longer with us”. When the interviewer said her mother was still alive, he immediately answered, “No longer with us here, I mean – you’ve got to let me finish!” He then added that she has worn the top on several occasions and believes the interviewer to be her daughter. The interview then said she was very excited to have him there with her today, to which Akmal answered that he’s excited, too – “That’s why I’m wearing these baggy pants!” Questions from the audience followed. The first guy said his grandmother had died, and Akmal confirmed that she was run down by a locomotive. She thought it was her grandson coming towards her when in fact it was the 7:15 to Blacktown. (This would be the first of two ‘Blacktown’ punchlines he’d use in the show – obviously a suburb he regularly refers to in his stand-up for a quick laugh. I’m the same with ‘Bayswater’. Some suburbs just illicit a better laugh from people.) The other questions from the audience didn’t have the same spark, but all-in-all it was a very amusing scene and a job well done.

Hamish was up next, and he was dressed as a pharmaceutical representative, trying to sell some new products at a convention (along with his partner, who kept feeding him all his lines). Always a quick thinker, Hamish came up with some brilliant on-the-spot answers. It all started before he even entered the scene. Shane asked him if this was his fourth time on the show, to which Hamish replied, “Fourth time … so, law of averages, … probably stuff this one up!” As he came through the door, his partner pointed to the four others gathered on the set and asked him what he put on the invitations to bring in such a large crowd. Hamish replied straight away that he wrote, ‘Bring a partner’, and so they doubled their audience! (One of the four others then introduced the reps, indicating that the ‘audience’ was possibly only three people!) When stating what their fictitious company (Pharmo-Klein) does, he replied about Pharmaceuticals and Klein being the German word for ‘kind’, because they don’t want to hurt anyone. He then added that they also used to make gum, but with the PK of their logo, they ran into some legal issues there, so they jumped back to just the drugs. The first product they were peddling was revealed (a giant bottle labeled ‘Flactyl’), and straight away Hamish pointed to one of the people standing there and asked, “Did you fart? Of course not! ‘Cos you’ve had your Flactyl.” The slogan he came up with for the product was, “No more gas … it’s a flact!” However, the giant bottle turned out not to be a model; he said it was actual size and they’re working on shrinking it down because at the moment each pill is like a whole meal. His partner said it was an anti-immuno proton inceptor, and Hamish added, “You’ve got your proton inceptors … we’re against that. It’s like an antipasto.” The second item they were trying to sell was a giant packet of tablets labeled ‘Floxicam’. “Who can?” Hamish immediately asked, before answering with a wink, “Floxicam.” His partner asked him what it does and he pretended to stuff up a scam by beginning to answer frankly that it does nothing because it’s a sugar pill, before ‘realising’ what he was saying and finishing with “no”. He explained that you simply take one tablet a day, and if you’re not asthmatic before taking Floxicam, you’re almost guaranteed not to be asthmatic afterwards. When prompted for the one side effect they’ve discovered so far, he agreed and said: “Death”. There was some rubbish about a small electronic device that makes you dance (which I didn’t find terribly amusing, to be honest) before they moved on to the final product, Zest. The poster showed a happy couple holding each other, with the slogan, “Your wife will thank you.” Hamish implied that the female model’s hand was placed on the male model’s hip the way it was, to mask a certain part of his anatomy from the camera for suggestive reasons. One of the ensemble cast members said they’d read studies that showed it caused liver and kidney problems, and Hamish used his fingers in the air to indicate sarcastic quotation marks as he replied, “If you believe ‘science’; if you look at ‘studies’ … you’re never going to get a girl like that” and pointed to the female model on the poster.

The first pre-recorded sketch aired next, casting the guests as the Special Comments commentator at an international diving event. Anthony almost killed the bit by taking so long to answer his questions. For some reason he started going on about his supposed mantra, “Listen with your eyes”, and it’s a good thing for him that they chose to include it (see below for how he ended his live scene). Hamish surprised me by not really having any jokes worth mentioning here, while Kate greeted the diver who joined them with, “Hello Sarah”. When she was corrected (tut-tut!) that it was actually Charmaine, Kate smoothly replied, “Oh, sorry, I’m thinking of your sister.” But it was Akmal who definitely had the best lines in this one. From the Aussie girl who had amazed everyone by insisting on diving even thought she’s nine months pregnant, to pointing out that what was so amazing about that last dive was that the diver emerged from the water (“Last time we had a German contender, she never appeared again”), to the ‘many questions’ he had for Charmaine starting with why she didn’t answer his call on Saturday night (which was very funny, even though Charmaine’s age was questionable). And did anyone else notice that the co-commentator (who was also in the second pre-recorded segment as a bit of a smart-arse tourist who seemed to know all the answers already) was ‘Tim’, Toadie’s lawyer boss from Neighbours who is now apparently based in Sydney, as a way of writing the character out of the show? Toadie has purportedly gone off to Sydney to join him there, but presumably not for long. (No, I thought I’d be the only one to spot that.)

The third guest to try their luck at the TGYH challenge (as Shane repeatedly calls it), was Blue Wiggle Anthony Field. He was dressed as a martial artist, in a white gown and wearing a black belt. It turned out that he was a well-respected Sensei, who was honouring a martial arts class with his presence. When Shane asked him if he’s ever had to employ any martial artistry touring with The Wiggles, his calm and measured response, “Um, no, not really. We’re pretty non-combatative” (sic) was (I suspect unintentionally) hilarious. Upon entering the scene, the class of students greeted him in the traditional fashion, bowing and muttering something that was jumbled between the group and impossible to decipher. Anthony was then asked to return the traditional greeting, so he bowed and mumbled something equally unintelligible back at them, grinning from ear to ear. Like Anh Do from the first episode of this season, he was fairly weak and wasted time thinking too much about his answers. And like Anh Do, he probably didn’t deserve to win. But also like Anh Do, Anthony was really enjoying himself and as long as he was having such a great time, I can forgive and forget the truly lame choice of winner. After all, laughter itself in contagious, so it’s not as if watching the scenes with Anh and Anthony were in any way painful. Anyway, back to the scene … He began by telling the students to “Please sit, please sit”, but the other instructor said they’d stay standing. “Please stand” Anthony told them. The class was then told that Anthony has created his own style of martial arts called I-Kendo, which is an infusion of Karate, Jujitsu, and … “I-Can’t-Do”, said Anthony. The instructor said they don’t use different coloured belts to indicate levels of proficiency in I-Kendo; instead they used different coloured … “Skivvies”. (This joke seemed like a rather obvious set-up, and was the first of two Wiggles references in the scene. Were the writers trying to make it easy for him by providing him with a couple of obvious gags? One has to wonder. Either way, it was an amusing line and garnered a huge laugh and applause from the audience.) The second Wiggles joke followed right on the heels of the first one, when the other instructor said that the art of I-Kendo involves the use of the legs, the arms, and … “The fingers” (cue the pointing Wiggles dance movement thing they do). When he was told that one of his own students was present, he had trouble identifying which one it was, and when the student demonstrated a few of Anthony’s own martial arts moves an Anthony was asked to explain them, the first one ended with the student’s outstretched palm facing towards the audience, prompting Anthony to call the move the “wait ’til I’m ready” move, which would apparently be useful “when you’re not ready to do it yet”. The second move, which involved a high-kick to the side, was called the “I’m glad I’ve been to a tailor and I have pants that stretch” move, which is useful for dance clubs because it really impresses everybody. The third and final move involved the student using his bare hand to chop various ceramic tiles in half, and Anthony called this one “The roof-tiler”. The scene ended with the class presenting Anthony with a banner covered in Ancient Japanese script, which he was asked to translate. After umming and ahhing for a few seconds, he settled on his mysterious catchphrase from the pre-recorded bit that had gone to air just before his scene: “Listen with your eyes”.

Kate Jenkinson was the final solo act of the night, and she emerged from backstage in a huge corseted dress from the Victorian era or similar (I’m no expert!). As Wifey pointed out, all of Kate’s gags had something to do with sex (which won’t win you many favours in Wifey’s book), and it says something if smut if all you can resort to for laughs. At least Anthony’s Wiggle jokes were somewhat witty. Don’t get me wrong; the occasional sex-based gag can be hilarious, but when that’s all you’re doing, people are gonna wonder if that’s all you can do. But that (minor) gripe aside, Kate did also play on the out-of-place Aussie bogan joke and a few contemporary references (the Harry Potter one worked, the PlayStation one didn’t, and the kebab shop one came in somewhere in the middle). From playing “naughty games” with the Baron’s children (“hide and seek” wearing a towel – effectively flashing the children whose ages were yet to be specified), to revealing her knee to the Baron for no purpose whatsoever (it must be noted here that the real acting was done by ensemble cast member Daniel Cordeaux playing the Baron in the scene; he also received another round of applause from the audience when he told Kate he’d been alone since his wife’s death many years ago, she asked him, “Randy?” and he replied, “Please, call me Baron”) … most of it was innuendo. Clearly innuendo has its place in comedy, but if 90% of your material is aimed at the gutter, your overall act ain’t exactly gonna shine. Other gags included maintaining her very Australian accent when the Baron mentioned her French tutoring (“Oui oui” sounds very out of place when said in a stark Aussie twang), her former job history including serving as a nun in the Order of the Phoenix, the ‘memory’ that the Baron’s wife was “killed by a nun, wasn’t she?”, and when the Baron asked if he could call her Margaritte, she replied, “You could call me by my name” (“Okay then: Sheila” was his quick-witted response, effectively besting her at her own game of inappropriately and humorously modernising and ‘Australianising’ the sketch). Despite my reservations about how many of her answers were sexually orientated, I still thought her final line was very good. When the Baron demanded to know why she couldn’t marry him, she asked him, “Well, … how do you feel about transsexuals?” Later, Akmal told Shane that he’d been hiding underneath Kate’s dress during the scene, and Kate added that that’s why she had the big smile. This was more of a reference to Akmal’s diminutive height than anything else.

The second pre-recorded scene pitted the guests up against a pack of tourists learning about an historic lighthouse. Playing the role of tour guide, Hamish, Akmal, Anthony and Kate will forgive me for saying that the gags were few and far between in this one. In fact, I’m to go as far as to saying it was the least amusing of all the pre-recorded segments that have ever featured on TGYH. I know that’s a big statement, but I think it’s accurate and fair. Akmal explained the presence of a large ship’s anchor on the ground in front of the lighthouse by saying that one ship got so badly lost that the last three hours of its voyage was on land. He also explained the seven missing canons from the nearby fort by saying that it’s a mystery, although they did turn up at Cash Converters in Blacktown (now why does that Sydney suburb sound so familiar all of a sudden?!). When the tourists asked Hamish if they could see inside the lighthouse, he said sure, and then tried to charge them $5 each. When explaining what happened the time they ran out of candles, he said the lighthouse operator set himself alight, but that he was quite flammable and they got nearly three hours out of him. My notes contain no great lines from Anthony or Kate from this one.

The group scene placed the guest on the set of a TV sports show (the same set that was used in the sixth episode of the first season). This time, Anthony and Hamish sat in the ‘central commentary position’, while Akmal and Kate were escorted back or side stage for separate ‘live crosses’ to the others ‘in the studio’. Anthony barely contributed to this scene at all, but to be fair it wasn’t through any fault of his own. Hamish, the stronger comedian (and with good reason), led the charge in their sections, so Anthony said what he could (Hossy and Fossy … and then adding Mossy into the mix and having them all on stage playing the guitar), but it was Hamish who described Hossy and Fossy as Siamese kickboxing twins and that they’d try to sew Mossy to them and create the world’s first Siamese kickboxing triplets. Anthony also explained that the team mascot was the one responsible for starting the riot, although again it was Hamish who capped it off by using the plate of doughnuts to illustrate how it had happened. Throwing a huge handful of doughnuts on top of the three already ‘rioting’ and saying, “And then the rest of the team …” was hilarious. Anthony’s final comment was when answering the question, “What was so different about the streaker?”; the obvious answer being, “He had clothes on.” Hamish also commented on how unusual it is to have a grass fire in grass tennis, and explained that a player had been caught drink driving on the field in the golf buggy we could see on screen. Kate had the least to do in this scene, only having two lines. The highlight of the Australian team being in Paris (from where she was apparently ‘crossing’) was having the chance to see the Eiffel Tower and eating a Filet-o-Fish because they pronounce ‘Filet’ correctly. (The joke being that she was answering the question as a tourist rather than a reporter commenting on what the team had been up to.) When asked what the Australian team had been doing all day, her simple reply was great: “Boozing”. But again, it was Akmal who probably supplied the best lines of the scene. Reporting from the hospital where ‘Stevie’, the drunk golf-buggy driving player from before, had been taken, he told us that Stevie had originally been declared dead, but the doctors check again, and he’d now been upgraded to alive. Then, moments later, he also reported that the hospital had issued a statement saying that they didn’t want Stevie in their hospital again, because he had already molested most of the nurses “But what a player.” (Boom-boom.)

In my opinion, Akmal should have won the night (based on the number of laughs received), or possibly Hamish. But I think we all realise by now that the winner of each episode has nothing whatsoever to do with who was actually the funniest or most entertaining. If only it could make that much sense.

BTW, what’s with so many of the guests’ names starting with the letter A? So far we’ve had Angus, Alan, Akmal, Anh and Anthony … and next week we’ll also have Andrew. It’s pretty spooky. But it’s not as spooky as it is terribly sad that I just spent sixty seconds typing out these few sentences!

Ah well, this week you can view and/or download Hamish’s pharmaceutical rep scene for yourself by visiting here.


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