Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 16

The episode of Thank God You're Here (TGYH) that aired last night finally put to bed the gross injustice of actor Josh Lawson having gone this long without winning. Thankfully, Josh was able to come out of the blocks, guns blazing, firing on all cylinders ... and other such mixed metaphors.

Host Shane Bourne introduced us to the guest stars for the night: Australian Idol co-host Andrew G, FOX FM radio host Jo Stanley, Mix FM radio host Alan Brough, and the aforementioned Josh Lawson. Resident judge Tom Gleisner was also on hand to provide us with the same lines as every other week, rehashing some of the guests' jokes immediately after each scene that were much funnier the first time, and always acting surprised that he wasn't able to determine a winner until after the group scene at the end. (Just once, I'd love for him to award a winner before the group scene! If you're not going to do that, STOP SAYING THE SAME DAMN THING EACH WEEK!)

Josh got us started and did an exemplary job. Playing Commodore Hatfield of the Rural Fire Brigade, he immediately launched into 'surprise attack' mode by knocking on the door, opening it, and saying to ensemble cast member Daniel Cordeaux (before Daniel could get a word in), "Thank God you're here; I've been knocking for hours!" Naturally, this quick-thinking smartarse response (which he'd probably thought up a few weeks beforehand) received rapturous applause from the audience. He was asked what the latest word from HQ was, and Josh replied that it was only one word, and had been very difficult to make out, due to terrible reception; "So I got ... 'Buh--ma--tin'." Three reporters were standing by to ask questions, and the first asked what the latest news was concerning the bushfire. Josh answered that the good news is they've been able to localise it to the bush. He was asked what the 'Code 6' category he'd given it meant, and he replied that they'd decided it wasn't important enough for a Code 7, but it was slightly more important than Code 5, so after a four-hour meeting they'd come up with Code 6. When he was asked if it was true that the fire was started by a barbeque, Josh looked down the barrel of the (real) camera and said seriously, "If you're a barbeque, be warned: You will be caught." One of the reporters then revealed that it was one of Josh's own men who's lit the barbeque, to which Josh - after a brief awkward silence - said, "I'll get it", turned around, and 'answered' the phone on the desk behind him (which hadn't been ringing at all). He then feigned hearing of a bomb threat and tried to usher the reporters out of the room (but of course they blocked this with "Just a few more questions, please!"). It got big laughs for his quick thinking of trying to shut the scene down, though. And so it should. He's done it often enough now that his 'surprise attack' method was his best chance of keeping the other actors on their toes and making sure they really earn their pay packet! Another reporter then said that Josh's attempts at water bombing and back burning had failed, asking what he planned to try next. "Back bombing and water burning," Josh replied, "Just sorta switch them around, and who knows?" He was asked if he had any words for those people staying in their homes, and he encouraged them to get out more and live life. When Daniel, who was playing the Fire Captain, prompted Josh with the line, "Of course, not forgetting the three Ds ...", Josh continued, "Yes, and if you do forget them, I will find you!" He then clarified that the three Ds stood for diligence, discipline, and David Hasslehoff ("... because we all know how good he is with water - he's terrific"). The Captain then corrected him, saying that they actually stood for something else, to which Josh snapped at him, "Don't you dare second-guess me in front of the media! What are you - Captain?" Then he pointed to his own name badge, roaring, "Commodore!" Turning to the reporters, he asked, "Does Commodore out-rank Captain?", then dropped his anger and asked pseudo-seriously, "Honestly, does it? It does?" At that he snapped back into his outraged character voice and gloated over the Captain with, "Ha! Exactly!" But apparently Josh wasn't through trying to turn the tables on the ensemble cast. When one reporter started to ask him about the stories of heroism that had been coming out of the fire, Josh interrupted him there, took his microphone from him, and began spouting off a personal bio of sorts, being humble without so much being at all humble, and boasting of his own life lessons on 'the hero circuit'. It was very funny, and when the reporter reached out to take his microphone back, Josh casually pushed his hand away and said, "I'll get to you in a minute," which brought another thunderous applause from the audience. He then veered off topic, talking about his own formidable skill at Karaoke, before launching into a bit of Justin Timberlake. Successfully using up as much time as he possibly could with his own ramblings, he was asked one final question about what homeowners should do. "Remain calm," Josh replied, "unless you see fire, in which case - I'd say panic!" Hilarious stuff, and well worth the win. This guy was a (relative) nobody at the start of 2006, and now, just two series of TGYH later, he has a cult following not altogether dissimilar to that of a Neighbours cast member (which is funny, because a relative of his named Ben - Josh's older brother - has just become a cast member of Neighbours). Spooky!

The second scene of the night featured Alan as an army Captain during the first World War, advising his men about the horrors of war and his plans for the coming 'attack'. From telling his second-in-command (2IC) that he made his way through the minefield by skipping gaily, his characterisation quickly slid into strong camp. He asked one of his men who he was writing his letter to, and when told it was the soldier's sweetheart, Alan advised him not to worry about it because she's probably left him. This was amusing because it was in response to his 2IC asking him to give the men a pep-talk. He then went on to promise his men a new summer frock for surviving the next battle, revealed that he and his 2IC were in a secret relationship ("Well, you see, when a man and a man meet each other ..."), advised the soldiers to run like a girl across the battlefield, and announced that his dream was to perform in musical theatre. In fact, the only gags that didn't centre around the sexual orientation of his character were the one about the letter (above), and his translation of the German message (barbeque at Geoff's place). He finished of by explaining to the men that in order for millions of Australians to see Gilbert & Sullivan, they had to die. It wasn't the sharpest of scenes, but it was by no means terrible. However, I wonder if Alan fell into a bit of a trap with this scene, reverting to the same kind of characterisation he used last time he was on the show. How many times can you surprise us by revealing that your character is gay and expect a huge laugh for it?

Third for the evening was first-timer Andrew. Admitting he felt petrified before entering his scene, it was clear from his body language (almost standing with his back to the audience and sitting on the edge of a table so he could face the ensemble cast rather than the crowd) made it obvious that this was indeed the case. However, once he started answering the questions put to him, he showed that he was actually quite capable of coming up with some good material. But I'm skipping ahead of myself here (although not gaily, as Alan might prefer). Before Andrew even entered the scene, he appeared on stage wearing what was obviously a PE teacher's uniform, and told Shane that he looked like a cross between his three high school PE (physical education) teachers - but that all he was missing was the moustache. WHAT A LOST OPPORTUNITY it was at that point not to add something along the lines of, "They were three very scary women"! In a show that actually requires the use of stereotypes to thrive and survive, this would have been a golden line. Oh well, they can't all be as brilliant as me. Called in front of a group of angry parents, Andrew was asked how he thought the Year 6 soccer team he coaches was going, and he replied "... really, really well, for a bunch of pissweak eleven-year-olds". One father asked about his son saying Andrew had locked him inside a hyperbaric chamber for three hours. Smooth as you like, Andrew replied that he'd made the kid run two, three ... hundred laps of the field, and when he complained about feeling a bit unwell, he threw him in there. Father: "But he's athsmatic!" Andrew: "His squeaky little voice sounded so cute in there!" When asked about his history, Andrew coolly replied that he preferred not to talk about his time in Thailand, but if he can keep a place running "like a tight ship" on Patpong Road, he can do the same for an eleven-year-old soccer team! I must say; that was very quick thinking by Andrew, and it was delivered brilliantly. Suddenly, some banging was heard from a nearby locker. When the other teacher opened it up, it revealed a sign on the inside of the door saying 'Sin Bin', and a kid in a soccer uniform emerged. In perhaps his best line of the night, Andrew asked the kid if he felt that he'd learned his lesson. When the kid shook his head no, Andrew said, "Well, I'm afraid I've got no choice ..." and promptly pushed him back in the locker and closed the door. Very good work for a non-comedian and first-timer. A bit slow in places, but some very funny lines and (if not edited to seem faster) highlighted Andrew's quick wit.

Final contestant for the evening was Jo Stanley. She emerged from backstage wearing pyjamas and a robe, and carrying a bath towel. She entered her scene to find a man in a bed who said he thought she's drown in "that shower". Jo replied, "Well, I wanna be sure this dirty girl is clean for you!", which was a clever response. When asked if there was any news about her Dad, she answered the same way I would have; saying that he was out of hospital now and was okay. Unfortunately, it turned out that her Dad had been in a bowling tournament, but she bluffed her way out of that one pretty well, describing how some of "those grandpas can get really aggressive", and because her Dad had been "winning too well", one of them "clocked" him on the head with one of those really heavy balls, and he spent a few days in the hospital as a result but was okay now ... and he still managed to come away with a bronze! I thought that final addition was excellent; bringing it back to the bowls tournament as it did. Enter a young schoolgirl, who Jo immediately embraced as her beloved daughter (what if it wasn't?). The girl wanted help with her homework about what her father does for a living, and was clearly meant to direct the question more obviously to Jo (rather than just to the room at large, as she did), because I also thought the father would ordinarily respond instead of everyone waiting for Jo to speak. After a slight pause, Jo turned to her husband and asked - in true 'angry wife' tones! - "Well; you wanna help your daughter with her homework?" When pressed to answer the question herself, Jo said he drives lorries (despite his correction), and that he wears a big jacket and a big pair of boots - that they sometimes play with after the girl's gone to bed. Their daughter gone, the father asked Jo about the shoes she'd apparently bought. "Derr, it's Thursday!" (This would also be 'blocked' later in the scene, when the husband mentioned that it was in fact Wednesday ... so the grab could be used in the ad for next week, as it turned out.) Enter a tall schoolboy, whom Jo again greeted cheerily as her son, then saying to her husband, "It's Bourke Street in here, isn't it!" Her one condition on her son being allowed to go to Schoolies Week was apparently that he scores. She didn't want him going all the way to Queensland if he didn't get to kiss a girl. (What a Mum!) The scene about to draw to a close, the husband started to get all lovey-dovey, saying, "It is Wednesday night, and you know what that means ..." before turning out the lights. After a moment's pause in the dark, Jo's voice was heard asking, "Do we not have any more children?" It was the perfect line with which to finish the scene.

The first pre-recorded bit placed our intrepid guest stars as taxi drivers being raked over hot coals by the manager of the depot. From complaints over the style of music they play in their taxis (heavy metal), to being caught on tape doing burnouts in an empty carpark at night, to looking at their taxi to find the back window smashed (and taped over with plastic and masking tape) and the car filled with cigarette butts, food and other rubbish, and missing its meter. Josh's answer to the heavy metal question was to agree, naming his favourite track, "Smack Ya Bitch Up". Andrew also agreed, saying the old woman didn't even want to sing along, even though he told her the words. He then sang two lines from Slayer's "Angel of Death" in true heavy metal fashion: "Angel of Death! / Monarch to the Kingdom of the Dead!" Sometimes it pays to be a music-head. I never would have known those words in a million years (and I had to look them up online so I could include the title and artist of the song here). When asked what Jo had said to the old woman who had asked her to turn the music down, she replied, "I said, 'Turn your hearing aid down, love!'" Josh assured his manager that he never let 'safety' get in the way of 'getting there quickly', and when Alan was asked if it considered himself a safe driver, he had to think long and hard about it, claiming that he'd never really thought about it before. When told he'd had 47 complaints levelled against him, Alan cheerfully replied, "Well, that's less than 50, though!" When shown the burnout footage, Josh was contrite ("I couldn't be more sorry - usually I'm twice as fast as that."), Andrew was proud ("See? Big G!"), and Alan was ecstatic, laughing maniacally at his own performance on film. When they looked at the car, and the manager asked Alan about the broken window, Alan replied, "That's not broken - I fixed it!" The manager then pointed out the half-eaten souvlaki in the back seat, to which Alan generously responded with, "You can have that if you want." Andrew confessed that it had been there since a customer left it behind five days ago, whereas Jo decided to chow down on it (much to the audience's disgust, because the shot of her eating it followed the statement from Andrew about it being five days old). Josh discovered an unopened bottle of wine in the back seat, and said how much that wasn't like him as he cracked it open. When asked where the meter was, Alan said he'd had to turn it upside down and use it as an ashtray, but that he uses a laissez-faire approach to charging customers (a statement that made the 'manager' crack a smile and quickly turn away from the camera). When the manager told Josh that he was thinking about revoking his license, Josh casually advised him not to worry about that because there are so many other problems in the world. And when asked what other job he might take up if he couldn't be a taxi driver, Alan proudly pointed to the plastic-covered window and proclaimed, "Well, a glazier, obviously, because that is some top quality work."

The second pre-recorded bit was a return to the segment for Totally Wild, again presented by real-life Totally Wild presenter, Jessica Skarratt. This time, she was filing a report about the job of a vetinarian at a major metropolitan zoo. Josh used a recurring gag in this bit about not being able to remember (or pronounce) the word 'giraffe', which extended by the end of the piece to include other nonsensical kinds of animals. When Jess asked what the fiercest creatures they've ever had to work with were, Josh said they'd had the Australian Idol finalists through the week before, while Andrew confessed to his fear of meerkats. Josh excelled when asked what the large flexible tube was for and he hurriedly threw it aside, saying, "That's just something I ordered off the 'net - it doesn't even work." Simply a zany response, or something far more suggestive? The beauty of it is, that line appealed to everyone; whether their minds were in the gutter or not. Josh's animals were in particular trouble: His elephant had athlete's foot, his tigers occasionally get boogie fever, and he'd been sending some "pretty risque" SMSes in order to get his gorillas to mate. Jo's elephant fared even worse: She'd had to cut off its tusk, then superglue it back on when it got caught, she was playing a chick flick for the reluctant gorillas, and whenever her giraffes get sick, she has so climb a ladder to give them their medicine ("The hardest part is getting it to stand still so you can put the ladder against its neck"). Andrew reported that his tiger once got a toddler caught between his teeth, and that he's been using incense, candles and Barry White records to get his gorillas to "get it on". Finally, Alan informed us that playing Gorillas in the Mist was akin to soft porn for gorillas, and that when his giraffe got whiplash, he had to buy thirty neck braces to cover its entire neck.

The group scene featured all four of our celebrities dressed up as nuns being called before their Mother Superior for their various misdemeanors. Andrew was Sister Andrea the Ever-So Chaste, Josh was Sister Beyonce the Jiggy ("Holler!"), Jo was Sister 2 Sister the Pop Group, and Alan was a very masculine and ocka-sounding Sister Bob the Gassy. The scene was not without its amusing moments, but mostly they revolved around Josh demonstrating how Shakira's music was inspirational (by turning around and wiggling his butt at the Mother Superior), and Alan making various references to passing wind (the other three moving away from him and Josh bringing a candle over to ignite the sulphur in the air were hilarious). The way Josh crossed his legs leaving his knees visible and Alan fluffed up his skirt after farting were also highly amusing ("If the kids are bad I give them a Dutch oven and that sorts them out"). And Alan's closing prayer sealed the deal: "Lord, I pray that if I smelt it, you dealt it."

In closing, I was pretty impressed with the show overall and each of the four performers, but it was definitely Josh's turn to win. I'm very glad that he finally did.


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