Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 22

Last night’s line-up on Thank God You’re Here (TGYH) was equally as impressive as last week’s, which indicates that we could be in for a top season indeed. The four guest celebrities were radio hosts Merrick Watts, Hamish Blake and Kate Langbroek, as well as newcomer Nish Selvadurai (known simply as 'Nish'), a comedian/singer from the group that parodies Il Divo and calls themselves Il Dago.

Merrick was up first, and I was looking forward to his return to the show after his inaugural appearance last year. I was pleasantly surprised by his wit and value-for-money (i.e. free), so I was expecting big things this time around. Thankfully, he delivered (for the most part). Dressed in a tuxedo and entering a high-stakes card game, it was clear that he was meant to be a caricature of James Bond, but Merrick introduced himself as Gary. After mentioning catching a train, he was asked how he got back - to which he replied in a deadpan voice it was a return ticket, so he figured it’s be stupid to fly. He was asked how he got rid of the Aston Martin, to which he replied that he got a cream from his doctor. The fragrance he was wearing was Aeroguard, he said he remembered one of his fellow players “from the other time”, and he called him Zoran. Each player then asked for a series of complicated moves from the dealer in quick succession, leaving Merrick the floor to make his own request: “I’ll have … two different cards, please”. 'Zoran' then demanded to know what Merrick was going to bet. Merrick pointed to the player on his right and said, “Him. He can be your man slave.” His gambling venue of choice is apparently Captain Pokies, and he ordered an avocado and vodka, or as he likes to call it, vodka and avocado. When Roz sidled up to him as he sat at the table, and asked suggestively, “What does a woman have to do to get your attention?”, he looked straight at her at eye level (so you can guess where he was looking) and replied, “That’ll do.” When he won the 20-million-pound pot, Roz asked him what he was going to do with all that money. “Well, you‘re not getting any,” he near-snapped, before seeming to relent a little and adding, “Okay, you can have one, but don’t come back when you’ve spent it all on the pokies.” The less said about the very end of the scene, the better (the line “Watch how he disarms ('Zoran') with his rapier-like wit” was misheard by Merrick, who launched some kind of karate-stlye attack instead of cracking a joke), but overall I thought he did a great job in this scene. The two pre-recorded bits last night were both TV-related (I’ve noticed they’ve resorted to TV-type scenes a lot, even just over these first two weeks - last week it was the basis behind Peter Helliar and Stephen Curry’s scenes, as well the housing development commercial they made [also the secondary premise behind the Astronaut’s press conference, if we‘re being technical]; and this time Nish’s scene, the group scene, and both of the pre-recorded segments were based on the idea of screening on TV). The first segment was a commercial for a laundry liquid, and the second was a story for Japanese television on a troubled Australian zoo. For the laundry liquid ad, Merrick’s best line was in his claim that using the product has changed his life … because he used to be a woman. When showing the Japanese reporter around the zoo, he said the best thing about working there was taking the animals home with him at night. He also claimed to be a ‘kangaroo whisperer’, telling the reporter that the kangaroo in front of him had just said she was very pretty - however, the next thing the kangaroo said was apparently inappropriate and angered Merrick for its cheek. Later, in the reptile enclosure, when Merrick had a large snake draped around his shoulders that was approaching the reporter and sticking its tongue out at her, Merrick explained that the snake thought the microphone she was holding was actually an ice cream. For the group scene, an all-female daytime talk show similar to the doomed (although probably still broadcasting at the time they filmed this episode) Channel Nine atrocity The Catch-Up, both Merrick and Hamish were both extremely unattractive dressed up as women, and Merrick duly proclaimed that he recently performed a one-woman show at the Sydney Opera House called “One Ugly Sheila”. He (she) then went on to strongly advise the viewing audience to give their men whatever they want - particularly sexually, was the implication - because they work hard all day and deserve it. He was very funny throughout the whole show.

Kate was the second celebrity guest to brave the elements, and this was only her second appearance on the show since the finale episode of season one. Dressed as a cheerleader, she (and the audience) couldn’t go far wrong in trying to guess the scene she’d be in. Not surprisingly, then, Kate had clearly decided to mold her character in the traditional “S-L-U-T … what does that spell?” stereotype of a high school cheerleader. Turning up for an audition for the cheerleading team, she spelt out a couple of her initial answers (“Great! G-R-E-A-T!”), and told us that her skills including her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard. When asked if she was under 25, she replied, “Kilos?”, and listed her personality as her disability. When asked what she thought they could do to get the crowd involved in the game, she answered that maybe they could get everyone to buy a ticket and come along. She offered to do a cartwheel, then said she’d just have to take her undies off first. Finally, there were a series of questions, all of which she managed to turn into double entendres: How will you welcome the team? “Before the game?” When they come on. “To me?” How about when they score? “Oh, that’ll happen many times!” And finally, what about when we’re beaten? “That’s a bit of a fantasy of mine.” She was definitely quick-witted in her responses, even if they were a little predictable. IMHO, the funniest thing she said all night was in the laundry liquid commercial, suddenly turning on the narrator asking her questions and demanding to know who they were and why they were asking her about her washing. She also said the laundry liquid was the highlight of her life, because “I’m so desperately unhappy”. There wasn’t much in her Japanese TV interview that struck me as hilarious; the funniest thing she did was probably imitating the koala’s mating noises. On the panel in the group scene, she told the others that she wanted to talk about her uterus, and the book she’d written, entitled ‘What Men Want’, took 600 pages to say what was effectively “an easy lay”. Kate did very well, but I wasn’t 100% sure she deserved to win the night (which is what happened). Still, it wasn’t the world’s greatest injustice. (That was when the Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin-off Angel was cancelled in the US after five exceptional seasons.)

First-timer Nish was up next, and I must admit to never having seen or heard of him before. Sure, I’d vaguely heard of Il Dago before, but that was about it. I was pleasantly surprised with much of what he said and did last night. As he was greeted in his scene, which was a clear nod to the ABC’s show The New Inventors, he was told, “Great idea, by the way,” to which he replied, “Yeah, (I’m) full of that”. The host of the show said, “Tell us a bit about yourself, Ken,” to which Nish purposely looked past himself to the three judges in expectation. After a bit of a chuckle all round, he explained that he gets up in the morning and just has to invent. His latest invention? The Funtabulator. He observed that every good invention has a dial on it, advised that you have to pre-heat it, and when the contraption was turned on and it began doing whatever it is it’s meant to do, he asked with pride, “Funtabulous, isn’t it?” When the panel of judges began asking him lengthy technical questions about how it can be used for specific causes, he simply agreed, “You could use it for that, yeah”. When asked how he’d use it for another long-winded purpose, he replied, “Sparingly”. Not surprisingly, the newer version that’s coming out soon will “do it better”, and the people he sees buying his invention are “hot chicks - they‘ll love it”. The host prompted him about using the strength of the quotient … “to achieve maximum results”. He was shown a series of pictures where his invention was being used. One was in a pre-school, another was camping (“Camping gets boring”), and the third was with the Prime Minister (“He needs all the help he can get”). He finished off the scene with his invention’s slogan: “Don’t just lift it, funtabulate it!” In the laundry liquid commercial, Nish advised that stubborn stains just need a firm talking to, and in the Japanese TV segment, he told the reporter that the koala is actually a lizard. In the group scene he played an American-based plastic surgeon, who told the panel of woman and women-impersonators that he takes women who are unhappy with themselves, and he fills them with plastic. The young model next to him was apparently an 82-year-old woman who’d gone under his knife, and when Merrick asked him what he could have done to him for $500, Nish’s answer was genius: “For $500, with your body the way it is, it’s not going to work out in your favour.” I loved Nish’s contribution to the show, especially for his first time on TGYH, and I hope we get to see him again.

Enter Hamish Blake, perennial fan favourite and quick-witted darling of TGYH. Hamish’s individual scene began with him entering his parents’ house, dressed as a schoolboy and being followed by a policeman. His exceptional entrance, where he tried valiantly to block the policeman from entering and making many and varied wisecracks about having had a big day and that they should all go to bed, was extremely funny and a stroke of genius. I think it rates amongst my all-time favourite entrances ever on this show (the others being Matthew Newton’s two entrances from his smashed car and crashed airplane, although the ‘genius’ in those instances were due to the creators of those scenes rather than anything Newton did, Josh Lawson once saying “Thank God you’re here” to the ensemble cast member before they had a chance to say it to him , and a handful of Shaun Micallef and Frank Woodley’s scenes, where they rabbit on and on about something stupid, not even letting the ensemble cast member get their opening line in). His various excuses for the policeman’s presence (“He followed me home” / “I’ve decided to hire protection”) were extremely funny, and his interpretation of the policeman’s line that Hamish was found driving on a road (“Yeah, with golf clubs”) was also great thinking. When his parents were told that he was driving a car on the footpath, he explained wearily that sometimes you get bored with the ‘regular road’. When his parents told him to sit down, Hamish casually turned to the policeman and said, “You can probably go, mate”. Then is was revealed that there were 17 people in the car when the cops pulled him over, and in the boot they’d discovered … “Dave, Steve, Macca …” His trombone case was full of stolen jewellery, and his attempts not to have to open it in front of them were admirable. Apparently he was also drunk behind the wheel, and when his father asked him how long he’s been drinking, he replied, “Not forever, obviously. The first few years were milk,” and here he indicated his mother before adding, “… and thank you very much”. The scene started out very well (thanks to Hamish), but didn’t seem to mine much gold out of the possibilities (no thanks to whoever wrote the scene’s script). In the laundry liquid commercial, Hamish tasted the product and deemed it “outstanding”, while in the Japanese TV cross, he tried to convince the reporter to try the “bush chocolate” (animal droppings), before confiding in her that there’s really no difference between kangaroos and wallabies; they simply get more money out of calling them two different animals. In the group scene, he was possibly the least attractive cross-dresser you’d ever hope to meet. He advised punching kids as a form of discipline, and advocated a few positive words and a catheter as a cure for bed-wetting. When Kate said she wanted to talk about her uterus, Hamish raised one hand in the air and cried, “Testify!”, and when talking to Nish via satellite, he confessed to having regrets now about the plastic surgery he had done, where he’d had a beard put on (this comment even made ensemble cast member Nicola Parry - who’s usually excellent at keeping a straight face - break into a wide smile).

I think I would have preferred any of the guys to win the night over Kate, but that’s not to say that I thought Kate was terrible, because she wasn’t at all. You can watch Hamish Blake’s naughty schoolboy scene for yourself by visiting the official website.

PS - Host Shane Bourne and judge Tom Gleisner were also in attendance.


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