Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 23

Wow, what a show!! I don’t think anyone could have watched last night’s episode of Thank God You’re Here (TGYH) without agreeing wholeheartedly with the final decision, as to the night’s winner. Where does Shaun Micallef get his speed from, and how much does he pay per barrel?!!

A more hilarious scene I don’t know that I’ve seen, and it’s further proof that he’s one of the show’s best-ever celebrity guests. In fact, this show was just MADE for Shaun Micallef, Frank Woodley, Matthew Newton (pre-woman-bashing), Hamish Blake and Josh Lawson. But I’m getting ahead of myself (and somewhat off-track). Let’s start at the beginning …

The four celebrity guests in last night’s show were comedians and radio hosts Tony Martin and Shaun Micallef, former Full Frontal disaster Julia Morris, and American stand-up comic Eddie Ifft. I had no idea who Eddie Ifft was, but apart from a striking resemblance to US comedian / puppeteer David Strassman (famous for his creations, Ted E Bear the shy but lovable teddy bear, and Chuck the evil wooden puppet), he didn’t look at all familiar. Which says I’m hanging out in all the wrong places, because apparently he’s coming been on tours to Australia for years. And it’s my loss, because I thought he was brilliant. (But there I go again, with the “getting ahead of myself” thing.)

Tony was the first to strut his stuff, and although he sometimes looks uncomfortable and ill-at-ease on the TGYH soundstage, he nevertheless always manages to come up with some pearlers. It turned out that he was the director of a stage musical based on the life of Sir Donald Bradman (called “The Don”), which was a cruel stunt for the Working Dog team to pull on Tony, seeing they know only too well that he has absolutely no knowledge of cricket whatsoever (and neither do I - I felt particularly bad for Tony when this fact was revealed after the hooter, because I imagined my friends doing the same thing to me and knew I’d find it very difficult to say anything even remotely amusing if I was struggling to vaguely remember any cricketing terms I’d once heard somewhere to make it all sound relevant). However, Tony did well as always. Before even entering the scene, he and host Shane Bourne discussed his likeness to the title character in the “Where’s Wally?” - or "Where's Waldo?", depending on where you live in the world - books (“You’ve found me!”), which is familiar territory to anyone who’s heard his radio shows, seen his stand up, or remembers The Late Show on the ABC from the early 90s. After walking through the door, he told us he was ordered to make a musical based on the life of ‘Sir Don’ by the Prime Minister, and said that this was a show for the Big Brother audience; tests had shown that sitting around a house doing nothing of interest for close to three months, ‘possibly cutting the odd fart’, was apparently what the kids want these days. He also said that his musical was unconventional, in the sense that it’s actually quite good (as a lover of theatre, allow me just to say “Ouch!” at this point). When asked who he’d cast to play Sir Donald Bradman, he initially told us it was Channel Nine presenter Karl Stefanovic, but it turned out to be a young Asian actor with lots of enthusiasm and a strong accent (“I‘m just thinking of the Asian market”), whereas Mrs Bradman was being played by Nikki Webster (who, it must be said, was either in a very unflattering wardrobe, or else seems to have put on a fair bit of weight recently … and let me just assure you that there was no ‘wardrobe’ on the puffy cheeks and double chin … “Ouch!” again!). When asked why he’d cast Ms Webster in the role, he replied that he thought someone who’d done the occasional cover shoot for Zoo Weekly magazine had what it takes to play the part. Nikki then launched into her pre-determined lines, which unfortunately took us back over the same ground Tony had already covered. (But what’s a girl to do? Another bikini shoot? Yes, most likely When she loses some weight, anyway.) Tony answered Nikki’s question about spending Act Two in a bikini by saying that the Zoo people were investing in the musical. We were then treated to a mini-performance of one of the musical numbers (thankfully we were spared Tony being forced to join in), which ended with the dancers simulating their own deaths by choking. Now, I’m no cricket genius, as I explained earlier, but even I realised this was a reference to Donald Bradman “choking” before he reached his 100 run average milestone, instead finishing up with a 99.94 average or something like that. But, when questioned about the move, Tony attributed it to a statement about Mururoa Atoll at the time. He then finally managed to get a cricket joke in on the final siren; he said the actors then launch into twelve hours of cricket, and clarified that it’s a “one day musical”. The two pre-recorded segments this week were a dog food commercial (there we are again with the TV-themed concepts on TGYH), and a press conference for a sportsperson announcing their retirement. In the dog food commercial, Tony was asked what he’s noticed about his dog’s coat since he started feeding him the new brand, and he replied that it’s more fashionable now. He also said that the ‘Pro’ version of the product was compatible with his printer, and his one word to summarise the dog food was: “Brown. It’s browner than other dog foods.” In the press conference, he said he decided to retire when those pictures of him were leaked on the Internet, and that he’s now being used as a ballast on Sea Patrol. Good thing he wasn’t sharing this episode with Sea Patrol star Josh Lawson; otherwise that comment may have gone down a little poorly (although I’m sure not really). His sponsorship deal mostly involves him turning up at nightclubs, stumbling about, and punching out a cabbie. When a young red-headed child we escorted into the room by two women, he said he wished to deny that Captain James Hewitt was the father of his son. The group scene, which consisted of our four celebrity guests being berated over their awful performance on a cruise ship, included Tony as a ventriloquist - complete with wooden dummy. He was asked why his lips moved when the dummy ‘spoke’, and Tony replied that his agent worked that out, and that it was contractual.

Eddie Ifft (strange surname; funny guy) was the second cab off the rank last night, and he arrived on stage dressed as a cowboy. I thought it might have been funnier (and possibly more nerve-wracking for Eddie; in a good way) if he hadn’t been dressed up in what pretty much amounts to native costume for an American, on his first time on the show … but whatever. As a country and western singer being interviewed on a (shock horror!) TV show, he entered the stage and shot his fingers like guns at the audience as part of his cheesy greeting. He was asked how he is, and as he reached for the mug in front of him, he replied, “Good, if this is whisky!” The interviewer said that he picked up some pretty unusual awards, and Eddie added, “and a bad case of something ‘down there’.” When the interviewer then said something about his hats, Eddie snapped, “Them’s fightin’ words!” (I think he was just waiting for somewhere to say this line, because it didn’t fit the context at all, but deferred the question wonderfully - so well played, Eddie!) He was shown a picture of himself with Dolly Parton, and was asked about the childhood dream he’d managed to fulfil the day he met her … and Eddie just chuckled evilly to himself (he didn’t have to say anything; we all knew perfectly well what he was thinking). When asked why he’d decided to include bagpipes in his music, Eddie answered, “Dunno - somebody slipped me a mickey or one of those acid things, and the next thing I know I was thinking, ‘This needs a little bit of Scotland!’”. He was guilty of taking his horse up to the 14th floor of a hotel, and when his mugshot was shown (which intentionally looked awful), he laughing reminisced that “that was a good night!” He admitted that he went to rehab for the hot women (“Hello Paris Hilton!”), and has learned one thing throughout his career: “Don’t come on these dumb talk shows”. Eddie had clearly done his ‘research’ (or perhaps it showed when this episode was filmed), because when asked his favourite thing about Australia, he replied, “The Qantas flight attendants - oooh, they’ll meet you in the toilets!” When ‘Jamie’ - a good fan of his who was on crutches after a serious car accident - was brought out to join him on the couch, Eddie said he was going to have Jamie at his next concert, and bring him up on the stage with him so he could: “… admit to the public that you were the one driving!” In the dog food commercial, Eddie said his dog no longer wears braces, and that the chunkiness of the dog food meant that … actually, to be honest I can’t remember what I meant by the notes I made about this bit. I’ve written “gotta come out, gotta get a good grab on it”, and I remember the audience groaning in amused disgust, so I presume it had something to do with dog vomit or defecation, although neither thought is bringing back the lost memory of what this joke was. Anyone who can remember should please set me straight in the comments. In the press conference segment, Eddie said the highlight of his career was the threesome he once had, while the lowlight was the twosome. He said he intended to go on Pole-Dancing With The Stars, and when the red-haired kid was escorted into the room by the two young women, Eddie introduced them as: “… the threesome I told you about”. (So very wrong, but so perfectly self-referential.) As the cruise performers, Eddie was cast as the comedian who spent half an hour reciting a monologue about his divorce (“If you knew her, you’d laugh”), and had sprayed the audience with capsicum spray (and also threatened to do the same to his employers during this dressing-down). I thought Eddie did a great job and may have benefited from seeing the short-lived US version. Or maybe he saw the Aussie version, seeing he’s visited our shores so often. His stand-up experience could only have helped, as well. I hope he’ll be around long enough (or back soon enough) for a return visit or two!

Julia was up next, and she was a pleasant surprise, in that she wasn’t as painful to watch as I’ve historicall found her stand-up to be. Entering the scene with her arms full of shopping bags, it was easy to see she was playing the part of an over-spending shopaholic wife. While most of Julia’s replies were very funny, where she really shone was in her e’er-so-casual remarks designed to put off answering a direct question or comment from her ‘husband’, as played by ensemble cast member Daniel Cordeaux. His opening line, “Thank God you’re here - I missed you,” was flippantly batted away with her almost-distracted agreement, “Why wouldn’t you”. Similarly, when he told her they had a problem and asked if she knew what it was, she countered with a vague, “Is it the big thing or the little thing?” But by far most impressive in this vain, was when Daniel asked if she knew who he’d gotten a call from, and she answered with the brilliant, “Yeah, no, tell me everything”. Having forgotten to bring home the milk and bread she’d originally set out for, apparently (“I think I left it in one of the stores”), she was happy to admit she had “issues”. Her husband had received an 18-page credit card statement, which Julia explained away by saying the credit card company’d had printer problems. When he said, “Let’s go through it,” she countered with an excited, “D’you wannoo? D’you wannoo?” Some of her purchases were beyond bizarre, including a cigar humidor for her husband, a non-smoker (“No, but when you [take up smoking], they’ll be humid”), and children’s clothes although they have no kids (she held them up against her and said, “They fitted in the shop”). Her therapist had told her she had “Fat Lady Syndrome”, and to meditate, but Julia said, “I haven’t got the time; there’s too much to shop for!” In the dog food commercial, she assured us that the brand in question was tasty, because she’d never make her dogs eat anything she wouldn’t eat. I only wrote down one word from her press conference segment, and it was “lesbian”. I don’t even think it related to a particularly funny comment, either. In the group scene, Julia was dressed up like a peacock-inspired dancing girl, whose feathery headdress fell to the floor when she tried to move a little too energetically (i.e. not much at all). She was a stripper with a twist - the twist being that she started to take her clothes off no one wanted to see it. All things considered, it was a great effort from Julia - particularly in her individual scene, and I wouldn’t be loathe to seeing her return.

And now we come to Shaun. Brilliant, amazing Shaun. Shaun of the World. Shaun of the Dance. Shaun of the Dead. Shaun, who can do the impossible. Shaun, who can do no wrong. Shaun, to whom I would gladly father a child. Words cannot adequately describe the exceptional job Shaun did with his individual scene … but here are an awful lot of them anyway … To start with, Shaun was clearly feeling somewhat mischievous, because as Shane shook his hand to wish him good luck, Shaun grabbed it and tried to pull him through the door with him. This friendly tug-o-war continued for ten to fifteen seconds, with the audience cheering them on and (just like us at home) no doubt wishing Shaun would win the tussle, just to see what Shane did about it. When Shaun finally let go of Shane, the basket the former was holding to take through the door with him got caught on the handle. After a few attempts at freeing the basket, Shane finally reached around the wall and handed it directly to Shaun (much to the delight and amusement of the audience). And all this before the scene had even begun! When Shane found himself in a forest picnic setting where a few baskets had already been set up, he exclaimed “I didn’t need it anyway!” and promptly threw the basket to the side. He then helped himself to some of what appeared to be chicken, only to be discovered by one of the ensemble cast members. Full of beans and high on red cordial, Shaun greeted him with an over-enthusiastic (not to mention mouthful of chicken bits flying everywhere): “Oh, hello Roy, what a pleasure to see you here!” ‘Roy’ asked him where they were, and he answered, “What?” When ‘Roy’ specified the gooseberries he’d apparently gone to fetch in his basket, Shaun replied, “Oh, the gooseberries - I wondered where they were - excuse me for just a moment,”. Then he turned, tipped his hat, spat the chicken into it, lifted it back to his head and spun back around to face ‘Roy’ again with a wide grin on his face - all in one swift movement. It was fantastic! He was told to grab a chair, so he did (literally), and then laughed maniacally at his own literal humour. He was asked if he’d spotted anything worth shooting, and he said just a couple of politicians and his mother-in-law, who he said he just “winged”, because he didn’t want to … shoot her. His companions asked him what made his sandwiches so wonderful, and he said the triangle shape into which he’d cut them. “I wanted to go for a dodecahedron shape, but it was too difficult to cut.” Then he launched into a massively exaggerated, British-accented monologue about London. “I don’t know if you’ve been there, but it’s all the rage; everybody says you simply must go!” When he was told that the other had, in fact, been to London, Shaun replied (just as maniacally as before and still in his upper-crust British accent), saying: “I’ve been to London, I’ve been to Birmingham, I’ve been to Paradise, but I’ve never been to me.” He was then asked about his success with the ladies, and his reply was hilarious: “A gentleman never tells … but I removed her underpants.” Suddenly, his fiancée appeared and he exclaimed, “Gwendoline! I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on!” She prompted him for what he ‘always says about guns’, and while eating an apple to aid in his stalling of his answer, he said, “What I always say about guns is … (eats) … it takes me a while to get around to it, but when I do, I say … (eats) … I say … (eats - at this point he’s eaten most of the apple) … could you pass me those scones, please?” Then, while his fiancée addresses his companions, Shaun was making ridiculous faces behind her back, much to the delight of the audience. He claimed that it was originally his idea not to pronounce the T in ‘croquet’, because it used to sound like some sort of potato snack. Then, out of nowhere, he stood facing the audience like an art critic might stand while appraising a Van Gogh in a museum, and declared, “I love what you’ve done with the place. Had this wall removed and all these people put in.” Brilliant! He then knelt down on one knee to speak to Gwendoline, pretending that his hat was floating down the imaginary river (really the part of the stage that extended outside the confines of the false scenery), then something about putting it in hand because he didn’t have a dustpan (I remember that I laughed at this bit, but I can’t now recall exactly what this part of my notes referred to - does anyone out there remember?). Then he tolod Gwendoline that he’d told her father that not only does he want her hand in marriage, but everything below the pelvis. What an exhausting scene (even just to watch!). I dread to think what the audience might have done to judge Tom Gleisner if he hadn’t awarded the prize of the night to Shaun after this performance. It was hands-down the best anyone’s ever done on the show, IMHO. In the dog food commercial, Shaun was asked what made him switch to the brand they were discussing, and he said that it was the large sum of money they were paying him to make the commercial. He also said that the one word he’d use to describe the product was ‘circumspect’. In the press conference, he said he was retiring because his wife’s not well, and although he doesn’t really want to talk about it, “… when you have leprosy …”; however, she feels much better now. She weighs less, but that’s the thing with leprosy. He said they plan to spend whatever time they have left, with what’s left of her. He was asked what he says to the kids who look up to him, and he initially misunderstood the question, snapping back, “I tell ‘em ‘Freak you, buddy!’ … Oh, the kids?” After revealing his sponsorship deal with RUAGE and their mysterious, non-explanatory poster, he was asked, “What’s RUAGE?” And his reply, “This is the question we want people to ask,” was an excellent side-step of the question! On the cruise ship in the group scene, he played a magician who affected a French accent. He referred to having a pop-up top hat, and when Eddie was asked why his impersonation of Sean Connery sounded French (a happy coincidence), Shaun butted in with, “Because I did it.” His employer addressed him sarcastically as The Great Lazlo, to which Shaun modestly replied, “Please just call me Great.” After accidentally segueing into an Italian accent for a moment, he began lurching like Igor (although I can’t now remember why). He’d also thrown the rabbit from his act overboard because it was misbehaving, but when his employer demanded to see him perform his rabbit trick, he put his white gloved hand into his hat, then pulled it back out with two fingers extended in a capital V, announcing, “Here he is!” The whole scene ended in a mutiny, as the four performers began advancing on the two employers who were grilling them over their various misdeeds.

All-in-all, it was a remarkably exhausting and draining episode of TGYH to watch, much less review or appear in. But it was one of the all-time best, for sure. I hope this is a sign of more of what we can expect to see this season! In the meantime, though, you can watch Shaun’s drop-dead HILARIOUS picnicking British fiancé scene for yourself by visiting the official website.


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