Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 25

Last night, we were treated to another highly enjoyable episode of Thank God You're Here (TGYH). The performers on last night’s show were first-timers Melbourne radio personality (and soon-to-be TV show celebrity prankster) Matt Tilley and UK comedian Ross Noble, along with TGYH veterans Julia Zemiro and Frank Woodley. It was a clear example of how one newbie can stutter and stammer their way through their scene (Mr Tilley) while another tears the arse off everything thrown his way (Mr Noble). I had hoped for more from Matt Tilley, especially as his Fox FM “Gotcha” Calls are generally so amusing (for those childish people amongst us who still find it hilarious when someone falls for a prank phone call, the likes of which some of us have never grown out of making since our primary school days … ahem). But he was pretty weak, it must be said - although, to be fair, it’s worth pointing out that he was given a fairly lame scene. Still, he didn’t make too much of the rest of what he was given, either. So a few good responses aside, he was disappointing (mainly because I know he can do better - maybe a second appearance on the show would eliminate the first-night jitters and be a better vehicle for his sharp and clever wit). Meanwhile, Ross demonstrated why he’s so brilliantly successful as a stand-up comedian whenever he tours Australia. And while Frank seemed to have a less-than-exceptional scene, he did wonders with it (as usual). Julia also did a fantastic job last night - she was my second-favourite performer … coming in just slightly behind eventual winner Ross. But let’s take a look at each of them individually.

Frank was up first, and he played the part of a pet shop owner who needed to break the news of a lost cat to a couple who’d left their moggy with him while they went away. Before entering the scene, judge Tom Gleisner mentioned to host Shane Bourne that the night held certain surprises in store for our contestants, one of which being ‘beasties’. When Frank emerged and spoke to Shane, he told him he knew there were going to be ‘beasties’ in his scene. When asked why he knew this, he answered that his shirt said ‘Pet Stop’, … “and I’ve … augggh … got a brain!” Before telling Frank that their animal was a cat, its owners quizzed him about whether or not he’d worked out what kind of breed their pet was. He replied that they’d crossed a Jack Russell with a shitsu, but that he didn’t know jack shit about that. The same joke could have been used about a bull dog and a shih tsu, with a slightly altered punchline. He explained that the deluxe kennel differed from a regular kennel because it comes with an extra centimetre on all sides, plus a chaise lounge inside. When asked, Frank demonstrated the special ‘cat aerobics’ he gets all the cats to do in their kennels. He then gave us an extensive story about taking the cats to the greyhounds, partway through which he gave up and levelled with the couple: “Look, your cat’s been eaten”. Not eaten, said ensemble cast member Ed Kavalee, and Frank took the cue, agreeing: “No, just licked quite hard.” Moving over to the caged dogs that made up one wall of the set, and trying to open one of them, he discovered something: “You know what they’ve done? They’ve wired those shut so I can’t get at the dogs. Which, you know? I think is wise.” Finally, Ed had to admit to the couple that their cat Susie was missing, although Frank insisted: “No, dead!” Again, Ed had to correct Frank by repeating ‘Not dead - what’s the word we use?’, to which Frank asked, “Ohhh, … coma?” That wasn’t the word - it was ‘Misplaced’. It turns out that Frank had drawn a cartoon cat on the ‘wanted: dead or alive’ posters. Frank’s sugestion for how to make it up to the couple was that he was going to be their cat from now on. In the first pre-recorded segment, which featured our four erstwhile contestants standing next to a cardboard cut-out of the (supposedly) formerly-fat versions of themselves, spruiking a product called Mega Slim in a TV commercial, Frank told us that his wife likes the new him, because now, when they make love, she no longer screams under the weight of him. When asked what he had to say to his cardboard cut-out former self, he said, “Hey, it’s nice to see you’ve lost all that weight … and some of that height - that’s weird!” (because the cut-out stood about a foot taller than himself). When the TV ad’s voiceover guy said, “So it’s out with those old clothes, …” Frank finished: “… and in with the speedos … and you can glide with your floppy skin”, as he indicated imaginary ‘wings’ of flabby skin hanging underneath his raised forearms. In the second pre-recorded segment, which was a parody of Jamie’s Kitchen called ‘Café Sixteen’, Frank said he likes to throw the vegetables into the air and slice (although in reality it was more like ‘swat‘) at them with a big knife in order to cut them up. When a dissatisfied customer signalled him from across the restaurant, Frank smiled and waved, then walked away in mock-blissful innocence of there being anything wrong. When he did approach the customer, he tripped on his own foot as he approached him, tipped a jug of water over him, and in the apologetic fit that followed, he gulped down a mouthful of the customers’ wine. While the customer sat in his wet outfit, Frank ripped his own from his body for him to wear, then gulped down more of their wine. He finished the scene by thanking the head chef for giving him a chance to work there, and being the only person to trust him - and while shaking his hand, a crapload of cutlery fell out of his sleeve. For the group scene, which featured all four celebrities as a team of Olympic slalom athletes being questioned by a decidedly unimpressed official, the scene started with Frank, Ross, Matt and Julia entering the set on a slalom. Frank was at the back, and he said he found it difficult to grip on at the back because he was born without fingers, then held up his gloved hand to demonstrate that the glove’s fingers bent back to his hand because they were empty (because he wasn’t wearing the gloves properly). When the Olympic official asked them why they took last year off training, Julia said that she’d had a baby - and Frank added that he’d had one, too. He said he’d had an idea about how they can reduce wind resistance to increase their speed, and then revealed that his ‘big idea’ was that they don’t need both kidneys, so if they each removed one kidney and left a hole through the middle of their torsos, they could go much faster. He ended by admitting that they haven’t got the ‘downhill’ bit mastered yet, … “but as far as swaying left and right goes”, … then they all went on to demonstrate their coordination - but got it so terribly, amusingly wrong. He did a great job as usual, although he wasn’t the best of the night, IMHO - in fact, I don’t even think he was the second-best …

Ross was already making jokes with Shane before the show began, proper - saying that he’d recently recovered from a motorcycle accident, but that they were able to rebuild him. Apparently, he cost eight dollars. “I’m the eight-dollar man.” Then he affected an air of mock-honesty and confided in Shane: “To be honest with you, I’ve just found out that this isn’t a religious show”, and then suggested that with all the doors in their set, they should rent it out to Jehovah’s Witnesses for practice when they’re not filming the show. He came on for his scene dressed as an elfin king from some kind of Lord of the Rings-type story, and joked that he thought he was going to be on “Dancing With The Staff” (because of the ornate wooden staff in his hand). As he walked through the door and found two other elfin-type ensemble cast members in awe of his ‘return’ while a smoke machine added a level of mystery to the forest setting, Ross immediately said, “I don’t mean to alarm you, but your feet are actually on fire. I’ve told you two about pissing about with matches!” He was asked for the traditional greeting and performed a stupid but amusing dance. When asked a question by ensemble cast member (and current Neighbours recurring guest star - as Toadie’s former employer Tim Collins) Ben Anderson, the following exchange took place:

Ben: “How did you escape the droags of Voldar?”
Ross: “The what?”
Ben: “The droags.”
Ross: “How did I scrape them?”
Ben: “Escape them.”
Ross: “Oh, escape them, sorry - we’ll, I actually scraped them as a means of escape.”

He was asked about his dwarf companions, and he answered that they’re doing some kind of show on ice. A big Hollywood producer had seen them crossing the mountains and asked if they could wear skates. “Trouble is, their feet are too hairy. I was shaving them for hours.” Then he was asked about Lady Gwendoline. “I was shaving her for hours, as well. But that had nothing to do with the ice skating.” Then a tall wizard entered, and Ross’ casual “Oh, here he is” amused me. He was asked if he knew who it was, and he replied, “It’s my granddad.” It’s the wizard, came the reply. “Well, he would be, wouldn’t he! Look at him. He doesn’t work in a milk bar, does he!” The wizard asked Ross what tidings he brings, and Ross replied, “Oh, good ones. Very good ones. Yes. Whole box of tidings.” Perhaps it’s his accent that makes these simple statements sound so amusing - and perhaps it’s the flippant way he delivers them. Or more likely a combination of the two. The wizard noted that he was carrying the Staff of Nergal. Ross told him, “Well, I went into Bunnings, and it was on special, so I thought ‘I’ll have that’. It’s magical, but also, you can open windows, see? And it’s very good for rock-balancing.” Then he demonstrated how he could balance on the large boulder by using the staff as a counterpoint on the ground. When the wizard told him, “These are dark days, young lord,” Ross replied, “Yes they are,” and shouted over his shoulder, “Turn a light on!” He advised us how the fiercest creatures of all are bogans, and when asked how they can protect themselves from their demonic armies, he suggested that they could hide, because “… that’s always a popular favourite”. Another ensemble cast member suddenly popped out of a large tree stump, dressed up like a goblin, chanting, “The answer, the answer - I have the answer!” Without missing a beat, Ross said, “You want to get him on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, that one!” The goblin messenger then gave the elf king a riddle in a typically spooky and taunting voice:

“A spirited jig, it dances bright,
Diminishing every thing in sight.
Give it food and it will live,
Give it water, and it will die.”

Ross looked at him for a beat, then turned to the wizard and asked with a scowl, “Is he high?” (By the way, the answer to the riddle, my dear friends - if you’re interested - is ‘fire’.) Then there was a thunderous voice from the sky, and the wizard said it was “He whose name must not be spoken”, to which Ross did the obvious gag (but that’s alright, because it was the set-up that was obvious), asking: “What, John? Oops!” It was a highly enjoyable scene filled with many laughs, and it was pretty clear that it’d be a hard thing indeed to best Ross’ efforts during this episode. He was clearly the one to beat. This turned out to be particularly unfortunate news for Matt Tilley, because he was the next cab off the rank - and Ross’ scene was a tough one to follow. In the Mega Slim commercial pre-record, Ross said that the people from Mega Slim motivate you by releasing an angry panther into your house, and as you flee from it, you’ll lose weight. In the Jamie’s Kitchen pre-record, while basting pasta, he said he was a painter who thought he was originally being brought in to do some decorating, but he didn’t realise pasta would be involved. Dressed in kitchen whitewear, he said he learnt everything about working as a chef by watching Under Siege with Steven Segal, “… so when I’ve finished this, I’ll just find another chef and run out at him with a knife and slice him up”, and he then demonstrated his karate moves. When the head chef told Ross that he’d expressly asked him to use a ‘fartherling’, Ross answered, “Oh, I thought you said Father Ling, the Chinese priest who lives up the road, so he’s out the back now doing confession and kung-fu”. One of his diners requested bread that was more fresh than the bread on the table, so Ross tipped some water on it to moisten it up, before asking, “How about you, sir? Would you like some bread-water?” When asked why he had ‘Kelly’ (Julia) in tears earlier, he said it was because he was rubbing onions into her eye: “I couldn’t peel them, but she’s just got the perfect shape to … (motions grinding onions into her eye-socket)”. Amongst the suggestions he’s brought to the kitchen are that they use pepper spray instead of a grinder, an idea he got from his own criminal background. He was asked why he thought he should be kept in the program, and his answer was that he’s managed to bake his own hand into a loaf of bread - which is not an easy thing to do, apparently - and now he can’t get it off (then he waved his bread-covered hand in the air and accidentally knocked a bunch of ladles to the floor). Before entering the group scene, he told Shane he loved the outfit he was wearing, and that he’d never felt so free, before waving his lycra’d butt at the audience. As the slalom pulled into the scene, he jumped out of it, pretending to fall over the top of it - but when he did so, he inadvertently kicked Matt Tilley (who was behind him) in the groin - and Matt was seriously hurt, whacking Ross on the arm and telling him he’d seriously hurt him. According to Ross, they took over 30 minutes to complete their slalom run (instead of the normal 47 seconds) because they stopped off to do a bit of shopping. When the representative from the Australian Olympic Committee said they spent over a million dollars a year on them, he remarked that if they’d spent all that money, they should have picked up that he’s not Australian! When Julia said she’d had a baby, and Frank threw in that he’d had one too, Ross added, “I’ve got one now,” and bulged his stomach out to resemble a pregnant woman’s belly. He then demonstrated his dancing skills by throwing fake snowflakes in the air and swooping underneath them and performing his moves. He was brilliant and truly deserved the win. I hope we see him back on the show again.

Matt was playing a skin care specialist on a TV advertorial, although before entering the scene he told Shane that his guesses were that he was one of Larry Emdur’s teeth, or had just escaped from the Ponds Institute. I always love a “Ponds Institute” punchline - that gag has been amusing me for years, ever since I first heard the D-Gen gang use it in the 80s. I sincerely find it remarkably funny, so at this point I still held out high hopes for Tilley’s performance in his scene. He’d already made me laugh - could he live up to the hype throughout the next five minutes? Before walking through the blue door, he described the feeling of what he was about to do as being a bit like a first date - except that you don’t know if it’s going to be a man or a woman. He then said he was a bit nervous, but that … “it’s not good to be nervous when you’re wearing white, I reckon”. Upon entering the scene and finding two female ensemble cast members waiting for him (Roz Hammond and Nicola Parry), he affected an almost-transvestite-style voice and greeted them thus: “Hello boys!” They asked him what his product, Moxybrasion, actually is, and he replied, “Well, I’m so glad you asked!”, which is an excellent technique for stalling while he thinks up an answer. He said they take you through their unique seven-step process “… which you must pay for along the way”. They start by sandpapering the skin, then getting some spac filler, then sandpapering it again, then getting sued, … He was asked if it was a painful procedure, to which he replied, “Absolutely not! Nobody who’s lived has said it’s been painful.” The only side effects so far have been the current affair investigations. According to Matt’s character, the skin has three layers: the top, the middle and “my favourite” the bottom. He observed that the skin is also our biggest organ … in most cases. When one of the women produced a weird-looking apparatus, Matt called it “Daddy’s best friend”, then said he wouldn’t use it now because they didn’t have any towels - although it can also be used on your dinner. The worst thing about the story A Current Affair did on him was that he hadn’t been able to hide the bodies. One of his satisfied customers is none other than the high-profile politician Mr Paul Hansen (“as he’s now known”). Nicola asked him, “You claim you can take five years of a person’s face - could it take five years off my face?”, to which Matt replied, “I’d say a bottle of vodka could get you off your face!” It didn’t really answer the question or stay on topic at all - in fact, it switched gears midway through the illustration - but it got a laugh from the audience, and that’s all that matters. To a point. Anyway, a beautiful blonde model was brought out on to stage, and Matt was asked what he’d done to her. “Paid her” was his clever response. They then showed her ‘before shot’, which was of a 98-year-old woman, and asked him how he achieved his results. “Photoshop”, he replied. A good answer to finish the scene, but a bit of a yawn-inducing few minutes, all told. Sorry, Matt - I like you and wanted you to do better, but I think between your own nerves and the tediously dull scene you were given, it wasn’t your best work. Maybe next time? In the Mega Slim pre-recorded commercial, Matt said his secret to losing all his weight was that he ate the cardboard box and threw out the Mega Slim, while in the restaurant pre-recorded segment, when asked what his underprivileged background was, he said he didn’t have a Nintendo as a kid. He also said the hardest thing for him to learn is when things are hot - as he placed his hand on the hotplate and burnt himself. In the group scene, after being on the receiving end of Ross Noble’s heel in the groin as they came on stage, Matt (understandably) spent the first few minutes nursing his wounds. Literally. He stood pretty still with his hands in front of his injured bits ‘n’ pieces until the grumpy Olympic official stated that the Australian Olympic Committee spends over a million dollars a year on the team, and Matt butted in with, “How stupid are they!” He then told the official that his medical condition was cramps from holding his stomach in in his costume. Matt wasn’t terrible by any means, but he was, unfortunately, the dimmest shining star in a particularly bright bunch. I don’t think he was given much to work with, scenario-wise - and I think it’s fair to say that he’s used to being the wittiest one in the room (working on radio with Jo Stanley, Adam Richard and Troy Ellis). When you’re normally the funny one and suddenly find yourself in unfamiliar territory with a bunch of other, equally witty people who’ve all done this kind of thing before, it’s no wonder he came off the worst for wear. The true test will be whether he does any better on his next TGYH appearance (should he ever be lucky / unfortunate enough to receive another invitation).

Julia was the final celebrity to strut her stuff, and I thought she was hilarious. She played a ‘doctor in love’, and when Shane greeted her on stage, she pointed out that she was carrying a clipboard by saying, “And I’ve got a note … pad. See, I can’t even speak. I’m looking forward to getting in there.” Using a time-honoured technique of entering a scene with all guns blazing, Julia was encountered by Ed Kavalee who asked her, “What’s with the three-hour lunch break?”, to which she snapped, “Well, I was waiting for you; ya said you were going to join me, I’m sitting there alone with a chardonnay and a beer going warm, imagine my surprise when you don’t turn up!” The audience applauded this opening line, and well they should. Not only was it very amusing, but she just happened to nail her character in one inspired guess. She snapped at Ed when he placed his hand on her sleeve (“Don’t touch me like that!”), and when ensemble cast member Heidi Arena, playing the part of the hospital’s matron, asked her why she had told Mrs Scott that she could go home today - despite being in a coma - Julia answered, “Why let that stop her? Let her run free,” before turning to Ed and adding, sotto voice, you and I, down the pub, push her in, have a drink, go off to ‘eh-eh-ehh’ …” After the matron had left the room, Julia (whose character’s name was Dr Felicity West) started clicking away at the computer, and grumbled under her breath at Ed, “I’m going back to Lava Life, that’s what I’m doing”. Then - in true soapie style, at Ed’s “Doctor?”, she spun around and pleaded with him, “Why do you call me doctor? Call me Flick.” Ed asked her what’s wrong, saying she’d been ignoring him all morning. She spluttered back at him in surprise: “I’ve been ignoring … ?? Are you mental??” Another amusing piece of dialogue came when Ed asked her about last night, and she launched into an explanation of why she hadn’t rung him - because she was busy. It turns out they were actually in bed together, to which she confessed to having taken the drugs she was supposed to give to Mrs Scott, the coma patient. “I took them because I’m crazy for you!” she cried, in true melodramatic style. It was clear throughout this episode that she wasn’t just in a regular hospital scene - she played her role like she was on a sappy soapie like General Hospital or something … which only made it even more amusing. She told him she was leaving him, and that she needed some space to walk around him and take a look at what she was giving up. Suddenly, they were interrupted by a paging announcement for Doctor West - and she checked her ID card to be sure they were paging her. When doing so, she failed to actually listen to the announcement, so when Ed asked, “What’s a code yellow?”, she sighed and said, “Oh, I’m glad you were listening”, before explaining, “A code yellow, ah, it means an emergency of some kind. A heart attack … of love. Can you hear me when I say I love you?” Then she followed this by speaking in a funny voice into the end of his stethoscope. When he asked her what a PCR was, she ‘looked it up on the computer’ and declared that it was a practical cervical retraction … “Not appropriate for a man with a heart attack, but oh well.” He told her to look into his eyes, then asked her what she saw: “Contact lenses”. Suddenly, another doctor entered (Ben Anderson again) and seemed distressed to find Julia in Ed’s arms. Ed got her to tell the other doctor what they’ve been up to, so she proclaimed, “Okay, this is awkward … we’ve been making love to one another - with no clothes, sometimes.” The jilted doctor asked her why she’d cheated on him. Looking at Ed, she answered: “Because he’s young and stupid, and I like that in a man. He makes me feel important. You’re too smart with your Oxford degree and your this and your that and your Nobel Prize and your poet laureate - no! I want someone stupid and big and tall and dumb like a dog, ruff!” In the pre-recorded Mega Slim commercial, the only thing she had to say to her former self was, “Fatty!”, and in the restaurant-based pre-recorded segment, she admitted to not having known where chickens came from prior to getting the job in Café Sixteen. The group scene saw her admit to having had a baby during the slalom team’s year off training, and she suggested they could dance to make their downhill runs more interesting.

Ross was definitely the funniest of the bunch last night, and I very much enjoyed what he did with his scene. The others were also very good, but in my opinion Ross had already sewn up his victory with the gags he made with Shane during the opening segment, before anybody had even gone backstage to change into their costumes. I hope he comes back to the show soon.

You can watch Ross’ Elfin King scene for yourself by visiting the official website.


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