Big Blogger - Week 5

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience sits up straight in their chairs like good little boys and girls, applauding Feral as she comes out on stage.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger – Week 5. It’s hard to believe only a week has passed by since the Week 4 update – that seems about a month ago! Of course, midway through this week we shook the House up by sending in a very vocal Special Guest who turned out to be a permanent Housemate! She was the winner of Big Blogger in the UK; Pomgirl. If you missed that episode, you might want to read it before continuing. You can find it here. In the meantime, we’re getting set to evict another Housemate tonight.

[Audience hollers for a Marshall.]

Feral: That’s right, another week, another eviction. Who will it be this time? All we know for sure is that Pomgirl is safe.

[She turns to face another camera, puts her head on a slight angle, and begins to speak in a patronizing tone – because ‘Condescending’ is her middle name.]

Feral: I’ve really been looking forward to this week, because it’s always around this point in the series that the relationships in the House begin to take on a curious bent! Let’s get cracking by jumping back to last Wednesday night, right after LittleFaerieGirl and Audrey & The Bad Apples’ surprise double eviction.

[Cut to video footage of the House immediately after Audrey & The Bad Apples was evicted last Wednesday night. The Housemates are still facing the door, silently contemplating the double eviction they weren’t really prepared for. Dxxxx and Tyson look especially stunned. Dxxxx’s bottom lip is beginning to shake.]

Steph: [Breaking the silence] Far out! [Pause. It’s clear she has prepared nothing else to follow that. She rarely does, but good on her for always being the one to break the silence.]

Gav: [After another pause, to Tyson] Dude, did you call LittleFaerieGirl ‘Javatari’?

[Tyson is still quite shell-shocked, but he tries to think about it.]

Tyson: Nah. [Beat.] Surely not. [Beat.] Um, maybe I did, yeah. [He blushes.]

Gav: Hehe, that’s, funny, man!

[Across the room, MelbourneGirl and Magical_M are doing their best to console Dxxxx (who is now sitting down, bent over, her head on her knees and her arms wrapped around her face). RichardWatts is rubbing her back.]

Magical_M: There, there, Dxxxx. Don’t worry about it. She’ll be having a great time!

MelbourneGirl: That’s right. And remember, our time will come. Eventually we’re all going to be evicted from this place and then we’ll all be able to see our family and friends again. And there’s nothing stopping us seeing each other whenever we want to!

Dxxxx: [Through her tears] I know! But I feel I only just started getting to know her!

RichardWatts: At least we have two members of Team Fag-Dag remaining, eh, sweetie?

Dxxxx: [Massive snotty sniff] Yeah. [She raises her head and looks at them, bleary-eyed. Despite herself, she smiles.] Let’s go have a spa to remember her. Both of them. I thought Auds was great, too.

MelbourneGirl: [Turning to the rest of the house and yelling] Spa time!

[Cut to the Housemates in the spa late at night, mostly-hidden by all the steam. Gav and Steph are approaching the spa to join the other Housemates who are all already in the water.]

Gav: Give us some room!

[Tyson and Dxxxx are sitting together, reminiscing about Audrey & The Bad Apples and LittleFaerieGirl. It would appear that they’ve been drinking a little. They are both slurring their words and their heads are a little wobbly. Whenever they try to look at each other, they clearly have trouble focusing.]

Tyson: No, but, you shee … I didn’t think I wash gonna meet anyone like her.

Dxxxx: I know! Me too!

Tyson: No, but, you shee … Auds was just the best person in thish stinkin’ playsh.

Dxxxx: I know! The same for LittleFaerieGirl!

Tyson: No, but, you shee … [He stops, blinks, looks at her.] What wassh I shayin’?

Dxxxx: Ah, that LittleFaerieGirl wassh the mossht wunnerful pershun effa!

Tyson: [Without missing a beat] Yessh! And Audrey wassh great too!

Dxxxx: No, but, you shee … LittleFaerieGirl wassh a great kissha.

Tyson: So wassh Audrey!

Dxxxx: Yeah. Wait, no. I dunno about Audrey.

Tyson: [Thinking she’s arguing with him.] Yes she wassh!

Dxxxx: Well I never kissed her, did I!

[They blink at each other.]

Tyson: [Quietly] Well I did.

[Beat.]

Dxxxx: [Quietly] I missh kisshing her.

[Gav and Steph are now sitting in the spa, talking and laughing with Tammiodo and TOBYtoby. Gav splashes Tammiodo and she splashes them back.]

Steph: Hey! Not on my hair!

Tammiodo: What’s the matter, Steph? Afraid the colour’ll run? [She laughs.]

Steph: [Laughing with her] Oooh! That does it! [She splashes Tammiodo. A massive splash-fight erupts immediately. While that goes on around them, we cut back to Dxxxx and Tyson, oblivious to it all as they share a long, passionate, drunken kiss.]

[Cut back to Feral in the studio. The audience is going ‘Oooooooh!!’]

Feral: My goodness, I told you it didn’t take long for things to change in that House! I know you’re all dying to know what happened next, and we’ll have a look soon, but first we need to catch up with our two delightful evictees from last week and get their opinions on what we just saw. Please put your hands together for LittleFaerieGirl and Audrey & The Bad Apples!

[The audience is so overcome with joy at seeing these two cyber-reality stars, that it has to sit down and weep. LittleFaerieGirl and Audrey & The Bad Apples enter, waving and smiling at the crowd.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Hi Feral.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Hello.

Feral: Hi, girls. How have you been? What’s your week been like?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oh, wow. I couldn’t even begin to explain.

Feral: Well, that’ll save some time, then.

LittleFaerieGirl: It’s been absolutely incredible since we got out of the House. Has it really only been a week?

Feral: Only through the magic of backdating these posts, it has. So tell me, you saw what we just saw, with Tyson and Dxxxx finding solace in each other; what do you make of it?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Aww, you gotta let them find strength in each other if they want to!

Feral: Really? I thought you’d be more protective than that, Audrey.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Nah, I know he’s just missing me.

LittleFaerieGirl: And they’d been drinking and consoling each other for hours, so …

Feral: LittleFaerieGirl, you’re not at all annoyed by Dxxxx hooking up with someone the same night you were evicted?

LittleFaerieGirl: Well, we’ve seen a little more of the week’s footage than you’ve shown so far, so no. I’m not worried or anything.

Feral: Ahh! Inside information, eh?

LittleFaerieGirl: Yep. [Both former Housemates giggle.]

Feral: Well let’s move on. Audrey & The Bad Apples, I notice you’re still wearing your bikini.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah. They told me last week that my other clothes had gotten lost somewhere backstage in my suitcase, and they weren’t able to find them.

LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah, I’ve been surviving on no more than two or three outfits, as well.

Feral: [Incredulous] You mean you still haven’t had a change of clothes in the time you’ve been out of the House?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Nup! We’ve been on the radio circuit and haven’t had time to shop or go home to get some more clothes!

Feral: That’s incredible. It’s a good thing you look so fantastic in your bikini, then!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Thanks. I’ve been a bit cold, though.

Feral: I’m sure you have. [She puts her finger to her ear and appears to be listening to voices in her head. The audience holds its breath to see if she’s about to start killing people at random, but apparently she’s simply listening to the show’s producers through her earpiece, so they’re able to relax.] Big Blogger is telling me that we have your missing suitcase and clothes here now. [Raising her voice] Bring them out!

[A Ninja walks onto stage dragging a suitcase on wheels as the audience applauds this almighty effort.]

Ninja: Here you go ladies. Do you want to get changed straight away? I don’t mind standing in front of you to create a privacy shield …

LittleFaerieGirl: Okay. [She stands up and begins to unbutton her blouse.]

Ninja: Awesome!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Sternly] No thank you, we’ll get changed after the interview.

LittleFaerieGirl. Um, … yeah, that’s probably best. [She sits. The Ninja looks disappointed.]

Feral: Thank you, Ninja. That’ll be all.

[The Ninja walks dejectedly off stage. Audrey & The Bad Apples and LittleFaerieGirl begin rummaging around through the suitcase for their clothes.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oh, man – this is brilliant! I can finally wear my own clothes again!

Feral: And just one more thing before we go: What are your thoughts on TOBYtoby and his little Insider missions in the week you’ve had to think about it?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Ooh, that whole thing makes me mad!!

LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah, I just don’t think it’s on that he could do that to everyone.

Feral: Well, I guess if we wait around long enough, we’ll eventually get to see him get his comeuppance.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Coooooool!

Feral: Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Audrey & The Bad Apples and LittleFaerieGirl!

[Audience forms a Congo-line to show its utter devotion to the two girls as they pick up their belongings and make their way off stage.]

Feral: Alright, now how about we head back to the House and watch the rest of the week’s activities.

[Cut to footage of the Housemates lying in bed on Thursday morning.]

Feral: [Voice over] It’s 7:42am, and so far nobody has stirred for the day.

[The camera pans across the Housemates sleeping in their beds; Tammiodo, TOBYtoby, Gav cuddled up to Steph, RichardWatts, Magical_M, MelbourneGirl and finally Tyson, who is spooning Dxxxx.]

Dxxxx: [Waking up] Oh, my head hurts.

Tyson: [Talking in his sleep] Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

[At the sound of his voice, Dxxxx whips her head around and stares with wide, panicky eyes at the sleeping form of Tyson, who is still hugging her in his sleep.]

Dxxxx: Oh no.

[Cut to later in the day. Tyson and Dxxxx are sitting in the lounge, talking quietly, while the other Housemates are making breakfast in the kitchen.]

MelbourneGirl: Where are the eggs?

RichardWatts: I dunno. I found the bacon in the crisper, though. Maybe the eggs are in the freezer or something. [Magical_M instinctively laughs, then purposely stops herself.]

MelbourneGirl: [Goes to open the freezer] Why would anyone put the <BEEP>in’ eggs in the … [Sure enough, she finds the eggs in the freezer] <BEEP> <BEEP>s! Who put the <BEEP>in’ eggs in the <BEEP>in’ freezer!!

RichardWatts: Maybe someone hopes to fertilize them later. [Magical_M instinctively laughs, then purposely stops herself.]

Tyson: [Very softly] So, um.

Dxxxx: [Also very softly] Yeah.

[There is an awkward pause.]

Tyson: I’m not sure why I did that, last night.

Dxxxx: Nah, me either.

Tyson: I mean, no offense, but my feelings are for Audrey.

Dxxxx: Oh, totally. Same for me. But with LittleFaerieGirl. Sorry.

Tyson: Yeah, no, hey – that’s cool. I think we were just missing them. A lot.

Dxxxx: Several times.

Tyson: Yeah.

Dxxxx: But it doesn’t change anything.

Tyson: No, of course not. You still have your feelings for LittleFaerieGirl …

Dxxxx: … and you have yours for Audrey & The Bad Apples.

Tyson: Right.

Dxxxx: So we can just forget that it ever happened.

Tyson: Right.

Dxxxx: And we certainly won’t do it again.

Tyson: Right.

Dxxxx: Even though it was really comforting.

Tyson: Uh … right.

Dxxxx: [Quickly] But that’s just ‘cos we were missing them.

Tyson: And we were lonely.

Dxxxx: Right.

[There is another awkward pause.]

Tyson: Okay. I’m glad we had this talk.

Dxxxx: Absolutely.

[They walk over and join the others in the kitchen.]

MelbourneGirl: Don’t blame me if these eggs turn out funny.

Magical_M: No one’s gonna blame you, MG.

Tyson: Hey guys, what’s up?

MelbourneGirl: Someone put the eggs in the freezer, so now I don’t know how they’re gonna go in the frying pan.

Dxxxx: Whoa, that’s weird.

RichardWatts: How you going, sweetie?

Dxxxx: Oh, I’m fine, thank you. Tyson and I just talked it over, so we’re all cool.

RichardWatts: Yeah? That’s good.

[Cut to outside, where Tammiodo, TOBYtoby, Gav and Steph have laid out towels for sun baking after breakfast.]

Steph: I think I might just start on my tan now. There’s nothing else I can do in there. MelbourneGirl’s got it all under control by the sounds of it. [She lies down on a towel; the others follow suit.]

TOBYtoby: Do you mean ‘breakfast’, or ‘the other Housemates’?

Steph: Hehe, I mean breakfast.

[MelbourneGirl’s voice can be heard from outside.]

MelbourneGirl: Now where have all the hash browns gone?

Tammiodo: She sure is loud, isn’t she!

TOBYtoby: What? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over MelbourneGirl.

Gav: C’mon, she’s not that bad.

TOBYtoby: Depends what you’re used to, I guess. I’m used to no one screaming all day.

Tammiodo: I didn’t mean anything by it; I’m just saying.

Steph: Yeah, she can be loud, but she’s an absolute gem.

[TOBYtoby scowls to himself.]

[Cut to later in the day. Dxxxx is sitting in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Dxxxx.

Dxxxx: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: What is it you’d like to talk about?

Dxxxx: Um, I’m just kinda feeling a little silly about Tyson and I hooking up last night. It’s not something I’d ordinarily do … you know … with a man … but I guess I was just missing LittleFaerieGirl a lot.

Big Blogger: Do you think LittleFaerieGirl will understand?

Dxxxx: [Sighs] I dunno. I hope so. [Pause] Can you get a message to her for me?

Big Blogger: No. That is against the rules of the Big Blogger House.

Dxxxx: Mmm.

Big Blogger: Is there anything else?

Dxxxx: No. Thank you, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: That is all.

[Cut to later that night. The Housemates are outside enjoying a BBQ dinner.]

Gav: Hey, how about we play Truth or Dare?

Tammiodo: Nah, that’s been done.

Gav: Twenty Questions?

RichardWatts: Nah.

Steph: What about Never Ever?

MelbourneGirl: That game just causes problems!

Magical_M: Can’t we just enjoy each other’s company?

[There is a long, silent pause. A cricket is heard chirping in the background. Then the Housemates burst into laughter.]

Tammiodo: Okay, let’s play Truth or Dare.

Gav: I’ll go first. Tyson, truth or dare?

Tyson: Um, truth. Truth to start off with.

Gav: Good. Did you hook up with Dxxxx last night?

Tyson: Yes. I thought everyone would have known that.

Gav: We pretty much did, but I thought I’d start out with an easy one. Just to ease into it, you know?

Tyson: Cool. So is it my turn now?

Steph: Yep.

Tyson: Okay. Tammiodo, truth or dare?

Tammiodo: Dare.

Tyson: Um, I haven’t thought of anything yet. [They all laugh.] No, okay. I dare you to kiss someone right now.

Tammiodo: Who?!

Tyson: Anyone. Your choice. But it’s gotta be for at least three seconds.

Tammiodo: We’re all being very kind to each other to start off with, aren’t we!

Tyson: C’mon, who do you choose?

[Tammiodo gets a wicked glint in her eye as she looks around the circle. She then stands up and grabs Steph and kisses her for three seconds. Everyone is laughing. As Tammiodo sits down again, Steph is laughing the loudest.]

Tammiodo: My turn. Steph, truth or dare?

Steph: Oh boy, I think ‘truth’, after that!

Tammiodo: Did you like the kiss?

Steph: Um … [The other Housemates are calling out to her in encouragement.] … Yes. [The Housemates cheer.]

Feral: [Voice over] The Housemates’ game of Truth or Dare continues until well after midnight.

[Cut to the Housemates still sitting in a circle laughing wildly, but they are now in various states of undress and general disarray. Gav is in his underwear. MelbourneGirl has been made up with excessive amounts of make-up to the point where she now resembles a scary-looking clown. RichardWatts is wearing a bra on his head. Steph is completely saturated from having to jump into the pool fully clothed. TOBYtoby and Tammiodo are wearing each other’s clothes. Tyson has tomato sauce dripping down his face from where a whole bottle was emptied over his head just a short time ago. Magical_M has removed her pants and had them made up on her like a baby’s nappy, while Dxxxx is nowhere to be seen. Everyone is clearly having a great time. A large garbage bin with its lid hanging half on has been placed in the circle where Dxxxx was previously sitting.]

Magical_M: Maybe we should call it a night. I’m getting cold!

Gav: You’re getting cold?!

Steph: Go jump in the pool, Magical_M.

Magical_M: That’ll just make me colder. I can’t believe you’re not shivering.

Steph: Just warm-blooded, I guess.

Gav: I’ll say! [They giggle.]

Magical_M: Well, I’m gonna have to go inside now. Sorry everyone.

TOBYtoby: C’mon, are you chickening out, Magical_M?

Dxxxx: [From inside the garbage bin] Yeah! Don’t wimp out on us now!

Magical_M: Sorry, that’s it for me.

MelbourneGirl: Me too. I have to go wash all this crap off my face before I can go to bed.

RichardWatts: Maybe we should call it a night, guys. [He pulls the bra off his head and offers it to Tammiodo.] Here you go.

Tammiodo: [Taking it and stuffing it in her pocket] Thanks.

Tyson: I’m gonna have a shower.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. TOBYtoby, to the Diary Room.

Steph: Oooh! What’d you do now?!

TOBYtoby: Hehe, hopefully nothing.

[Cut to TOBYtoby in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: It is time for your next Insider task.

TOBYtoby: I thought as much.

Big Blogger: Your task is simple. [TOBYtoby scoffs.] Tomorrow night, during Friday Night Live, you must cause the Housemates to fail repeatedly at every task they attempt. [TOBYtoby frowns in confusion.] The games will not be played individually as in previous weeks. Tomorrow night the Housemates will work as one team against Big Blogger. You just ensure that the Housemates lose. [TOBYtoby groans softly to himself.] Only if the Housemates lose the games to Big Blogger will you pass your Insider mission. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, let’s see if you can break the drought on your terrible Insider mission record. So far you have been up for aviction every week due to failing your Insider tasks.

TOBYtoby: Yeah, it’s a disgrace, isn’t it! [He smiles.]

Big Blogger: If you are successful in your task this week, you will be exempt from nominations. If you fail your Insider task, you will be automatically nominated for aviction. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: That is all.

[TOBYtoby exits the Diary Room.]

Feral: [Voice over] The next night, all Housemates were pumped and ready to play Friday Night Live, little realising the surprises Big Blogger – and the mysterious Insider – had in store.

[Cut to the bedroom, where all the Housemates are dressed up as beefeaters with bike helmets under their tall furry hats.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, welcome to Friday Night Live. The theme for this Friday Night Live is … Whinging Poms. Housemates. This week, Friday Night Live will be played a little differently to what you’re used to. This week there will be no trophy, no three point twist, no three boxes and no Rewards Room. This week, you will not be playing against each other in teams or as individuals. Housemates. This week you will all be on the same team … and you will be playing against … Big Blogger.

[The Housemates all cheer.]

[While we hear Big Blogger continue, we are shown various clips of the Housemates competing in games and tasks involving giant English-related props, and unknown messy substances. We are also shown various instances where TOBYtoby tried to subtly spoil things for the Housemates, looking pleased with himself each time he did so but trying to hide his smiles from the other Housemates.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. Big Blogger has already played his rounds earlier in the day, so all you have to do is score better than he did in the time you are allotted. If you are successful, you will win. If you are not successful, you will lose. If you win, the House will be treated to a party, with food and drink to share. If you lose, you will be on staples for the rest of the week. Housemates, prepare to whinge. In round one, Big Blogger scored eight points. Housemates must score at least nine points to beat Big Blogger. Housemates, you scored five points. You lose round one. Prepare to complain. In round two, Big Blogger scored four points. Housemates must score at least five points to beat Big Blogger. Housemates, you scored one point. You lose round two. Prepare to whine. In round three, Big Blogger scored six points. Housemates must score at least seven points to beat Big Blogger. Housemates, you scored three points. You lose round three. Housemates, Big Blogger’s total score so far is eighteen points. Housemates’ total score so far is nine points. This final round is worth double points. In this round, Big Blogger scored just two points, taking Big Blogger’s total score to twenty-two points. Housemates, you need to score seven points to win Friday Night Live and earn your reward. Housemates, select a captain to throw the Crown Jewels into the net. You have selected TOBYtoby. Housemates, prepare to carry on like a pork chop. TOBYtoby, your aim is terrible. You have scored zero points. You have lost Friday Night Live.

TOBYtoby: Ahhh, sorry guys! [Despite his words, he cannot stop grinning. For the most part, this is overlooked by the Housemates, who presumably all think he is simply smiling in regret and guilt and sorrow.]

[Cut to footage of the Friday Night Live desk.]

Mike: I can’t believe TOBYtoby managed to talk the other Housemates into electing him team captain for that final round! What a great bit of luck for him and his Insider mission, Whee!

Whee Um-ah: Absolutely! He’s finally managed to pass an Insider task! Let’s see what the lump on my neck has to say …

The Lump On Whee Um-ah’s Neck: [In a really high-pitched voice] That’s rotten luck for the other Housemates, though – they’re gonna miss out on a party!

Mike: True, and they’ll be living on staples for the next few days What do you think of that, Ditzy?

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: Wot? How can they eat staples, Mikey? Won’t that cut the inside of their mouths and stuff?

Mike: Wrong kind of staples. Anyway, Big Blogger’s about to give them the bad news, so let’s pop down to the House and have a listen!

[Cut to all the Housemates crowded around the Diary Room chair in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Housemates, because you lost Friday Night Live to Big Blogger, you will not be receiving the party food that was planned for tonight. [The Housemates groan, except TOBYtoby, who still can’t wipe the smile off his face.] Additionally, you will not be receiving any more food until next Thursday morning. You must bring all food and drink from the kitchen to the Diary Room without eating anything. You may keep the flour, milk, rice, salt, sardines, prunes, porridge and tripe. Also, there will be no more alcohol served to the House until next Thursday at the earliest. [This one takes some Housemates by surprise.] Finally, as an additional punishment for losing Friday Night Live, Housemates will be denied use of the spa, the sauna and the gym until further notice. [The Housemates don’t like this latest piece of news, either.]

Steph: Big Blogger, can’t we just have a little alcohol to help us deal with our loss tonight?

[Pause.]

Big Blogger: No.

[The Housemates all look dejected. Except for TOBYtoby, who is frankly delighted with this turn of events.]

Big Blogger: That is all.

[Cut to the Housemates slowly wandering around in the House. They appear to be roving about aimlessly, finding nothing to do. No one is talking and everyone looks melancholy.]

[Cut to later, with a still-smiling TOBYtoby in the Diary Room talking to Big Blogger.]

Big Blogger: Do you feel bad for working against your fellow Housemates in Friday Night Live?

TOBYtoby: Nah, it was them or me.

Big Blogger: So you don’t care that they are now all going without their party, without alcohol, without tasty food and the use of the spa, sauna and gym for the rest of the week?

TOBYtoby: Nup! Not at all! I finally got myself free from nominations! [He is grinning broadly from ear to ear.]

Big Blogger: Do you think your Housemates deserved to lose Friday Night Live?

TOBYtoby: Yeah, sure. Why not! [He is being cheeky with Big Blogger now.] They shouldn’t have trusted me to be their captain! I can’t believe they didn’t work out I was missing on purpose; I was throwing so badly! No one could throw that badly if they were really trying to get them in the net! Except maybe RichardWatts. I bet he throws like a girl!

[The audience goes ‘Oooooooh’ in a disapproving tone.]

Feral: [Voice over] The following day, nothing much had improved. The Housemates spent most of their time sun baking outside. When it fell dark, they found themselves sitting around the lounge in absolute silence. By this point, even TOBYtoby was bored. But luckily for them, Big Blogger had a plan to liven things up a bit.

[Cut to the Housemates all sitting around, quite bored, in the lounge. TOBYtoby throws a cushion across the room to Tyson, but it falls short and lands on the outstretched legs of MelbourneGirl. She looks at TOBYtoby, looks at the cushion, and decides to leave it there. No one seems to have much enthusiasm to do anything. Steph and Gav are next to each other. Steph is fiddling with her watch but Gav has his eyes closed. Tammiodo sniffs as she looks from Dxxxx to RichardWatts. Magical_M is humming softly to herself and looking at her reflection in the mirror opposite. The camera spends two minutes panning across the Housemates’ faces, but no one talks in that time.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

[The Housemates jump in their seats in surprise at suddenly hearing a loud voice coming through the speakers.]

Steph: [Putting her hand to her heart] Whoa. That scared me. [Taking Gav’s hand and placing it on her chest] Here, feel this.

Gav: [Groggily, still waking up] But … in front of everybody?

Big Blogger: Housemates. Big Blogger has a surprise for you.

Magical_M: Oooh, yes! Make it some alcohol. Or a good-looking straight guy.

Big Blogger: Please make welcome your new Housemate, Pomgirl.

[Suddenly, claxons sound and the Housemates all jump to their feet and face the Diary Room door. The television screen above their heads starts flashing the following words across the screen: SPECIAL GUEST! The Housemates get excited very quickly and begin to cheer. The Diary Room door opens and Pomgirl walks out. There is much cheering and yelping from the girls in particular, although Magical_M looks slightly disappointed. TOBYtoby is seen ‘checking her out’.]

MelbourneGirl: Welcome! How are you?

Pomgirl: Fine thanks. Is there anything to drink?

Steph: Not alcoholic, no.

Pomgirl: [Shocked and angry] What?!

Tyson: Hey, nice accent! Where you from?

Pomgirl: [Putting on heirs and graces] I’m from the United Kingdom, thank you very much.

RichardWatts: Hey, cool!

[Pomgirl glares at RichardWatts as if to demand, “Cool?”, but she keeps her lips thinly pursed in silence.]

Steph: Are we getting any more Special Guests?

Pomgirl: I dunno.

MelbourneGirl: Damn those <BEEP>in’ sirens!

[As if on cue, the sirens stop. MelbourneGirl looks at the mirrors in suspicion. Is Big Blogger playing with her?]

TOBYtoby: [All suave and sexy-like] Hi there, I’m TOBYtoby.

Pomgirl: [Turning coy, sensing potential snogging action] Hi …

[They bat their eyelids at each other while the audience gets its groove on.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. [The Housemates stop talking and listen.] Housemates, please make your Special Guest feel welcome.

[The Housemates all cheer.]

Big Blogger: She will be staying with you for a while.

[The Housemates all cheer again.]

Big Blogger: In fact, she is a new Housemate and is eligible to win Big Blogger.

[The Housemates all stare at Pomgirl in silence. They weren’t expecting that. After a beat, Pomgirl cheers herself. There is an awkward silence.]

Steph: Well.

[Pause]

Steph: Congratulations.

Pomgirl: Thanks. I don’t expect I’m gonna win, of course. I ain’t an Aussie, so surely the Aussie audience will vote for an Aussie to win.

[That seems to break the tension in the room, and the girls take their new Housemate on a tour of the House, while the boys hang back and discuss Pomgirl’s better attributes.]

TOBYtoby: She’s cute. I especially love her <BEEP>.

RichardWatts: Well, she sure seemed to take an interest in you, too.

TOBYtoby: You think so?

RichardWatts: Absolutely. You basically stopped each other in your tracks. She’s definitely into you.

TOBYtoby: Well, it’d be nice to have a ‘main squeeze’ around here again.

Gav: She sure is a hottie.

Tyson: Not sure if I could stand the voice, though.

RichardWatts: I think it’s a gorgeous accent.

Tyson: Not the accent; I don’t have a problem with the accent. But that voice. Augh. It’d drive me nuts all day, every day.

Gav: I dunno. You know what I was most attracted to about her?

TOBYtoby: Her <BEEP>.

Gav: Well, sure. But did you cop a squizz at her <BEEP>?

[The boys, apart from RichardWatts, laugh.]

RichardWatts: You guys are all the same.

Tyson: C’mon, RichardWatts. You may be gay, but surely you noticed her magnificent <BEEP> and her amazing <BEEP>.

RichardWatts: Maybe, but perhaps I’m just too much of a gentleman to talk about it. [He begins to walk away, then spins around with a big grin on his face.] Anyway, I was too busy staring at her <BEEP>!

[They all break into laughter.]

[Cut to the girls leading Pomgirl through the bedroom.]

Magical_M: And this is where we all sleep. That’s my bed, Gav and Steph sleep there, Tyson sleeps there, MelbourneGirl sleeps there, …

Pomgirl: [Interrupting] Where does TOBYtoby sleep?

Dxxxx: [Pointing to a bed] On that one.

Pomgirl: Right. [She goes and puts her Oscar the Grouch plush toy down on TOBYtoby’s bed and walks back to the girls with a ‘butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth’ look on her face.] Okay, what else do you have to show me?

Tammiodo: Well, unfortunately we can’t show you the sauna or the spa because they’re off-limits until next week.

Steph: And the gym.

Pomgirl: Off-limits? Why are they off-limits?

MelbourneGirl: Because we lost Friday Night Live to Big Blogger, and that’s part of the punishment.

Steph: So’s not having any alcohol and living off staples.

Pomgirl: [Shocked and angry again] What?!

Dxxxx: They didn’t tell you?

Pomgirl: No! Aww, man, this sucks!

MelbourneGirl: It’s not so bad. You can get to know all of us without being too drunk to remember any of it.

Pomgirl: [Icily] Who says I want to get to know any of you without being too drunk to remember any of it?!

Feral: [Voice over] And with that charming introduction behind them, it was soon time for the Housemates to nominate again.

[Cut to the lounge. The Housemates are all gathered on the couch.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. This week, Pomgirl is ammune to nomination. She cannot be nominated, nor can she nominate. However, everyone else is fair game. Housemates. It’s time to nominate. MelbourneGirl, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where we see quick flashes of most people’s nominations.]

Big Blogger: MelbourneGirl, who do you nominate for two points for aviction, and why?

MelbourneGirl: For two points this week I nominate TOBYtoby, Big Blogger.

Tyson: Magical_M.

RichardWatts: TOBYtoby.

Magical_M: Dxxxx.

Steph: Dxxxx.

Tammiodo: Gav.

MelbourneGirl: I just find him pretty repulsive and I’d rather not live in the House with someone who acts and behaves like he does.

RichardWatts: I think he’s insulting and belittling and I don’t want to get to know him.

Tammiodo: He just doesn’t do anything as far as contributing to the House is concerned. I think he’s boring.

Big Blogger: Who do you nominate for one point for aviction, and why?

MelbourneGirl: Tyson.

Gav: MelbourneGirl.

TOBYtoby: Magical_M.

Dxxxx: Tyson.

[Cut to the lounge. All Housemates are assembled on the couch, awaiting Big Blogger’s nominations announcement.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. As explained during Friday Night Live this week, there is no three point twist this week. That means that the following announcement will be the official notice for which Housemates are up for aviction this week. There will be no further changes to this list. [Pause while the Housemates take this in.] This week's nominated Housemates are: Magical_M … and … Dxxxx … and … Tyson.

[The Housemates react with shock at this news.]

Magical_M: [Unimpressed] This is getting old.

Gav: Well done, TOBYtoby! That’s a first, isn’t it?

[TOBYtoby tries not to look too pleased, but he can’t really help himself.]

TOBYtoby: [Gets up and dances around the room] Yay, yay, yay, yay!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. [TOBYtoby sits back down again as the Housemates continue to listen.] Housemates, Big Blogger has something he wishes to show you. This collection of footage has been taken throughout the five weeks you’ve so far spent in the Big Blogger House. You thought you’d all been working as a team, but one of you has been secretly working against the group. [TOBYtoby starts to look a little pale. His eyes dart around at the other Housemates, who are beginning to look suspiciously at each other as well.] Housemates, … meet … the Insider.

[The television on the screen above their heads comes to live, showing various clips of Big Blogger giving TOBYtoby his Insider missions each week, and the footage of him failing each mission. He is shown grabbing LittleFaerieGirl’s clothes, throwing them in Audrey & The Bad Apples’ suitcase, taking it to the Diary Room, and later denying any involvement in the missing clothing to various people in different conversations. He is shown trying to break up Gav and Steph, resorting to making flimsy accusations in a grumpy tone when he realises he has no chance of succeeding. Finally, the screen goes black.]

Steph: I knew you were acting all weird!

Gav: That’s pretty funny, dude.

Magical_M: So you were the one who removed all of the Audrey’s clothes! I bet she’s mad at you now!

[The Housemates all laugh, and TOBYtoby looks relieved.]

TOBYtoby: Sorry, guys. I meant no harm. I had to do it, you know? I didn’t really have a choice.

RichardWatts: No worries, man. You didn’t hurt anyone. It’s actually pretty funny.

MelbourneGirl: Yeah, what a cack! I wouldn’t be able to do it! I couldn’t keep the secret.

TOBYtoby: So no hard feelings?

Tyson: Nah, mate. It’s all good.

Tammiodo: At least you had some fun these past few weeks. And you didn’t cause any problems for the rest of us. Well, apart from some of the girls who couldn’t get changed very often, but they’re gone now, so we’re all sweet.

TOBYtoby: Cool. Thanks, guys.

[The television screen above their heads comes back to life and shows more footage of TOBYtoby talking in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: [On screen] Do you feel bad for working against your fellow Housemates in Friday Night Live?

TOBYtoby: [On screen] Nah, it was them or me.

Big Blogger: [On screen] So you don’t care that they are now all going without their party, without alcohol, without tasty food and the use of the spa, sauna and gym for the rest of the week?

TOBYtoby: [On screen] Nup! Not at all! I finally got myself free from nominations! [He is grinning broadly from ear to ear.]

Big Blogger: [On screen] Do you think your Housemates deserved to lose Friday Night Live?

TOBYtoby: [On screen] Yeah, sure. Why not! [He is being cheeky with Big Blogger now.] They shouldn’t have trusted me to be their captain! I can’t believe they didn’t work out I was missing on purpose; I was throwing so badly! No one could throw that badly if they were really trying to get them in the net! Except maybe RichardWatts. I bet he throws like a girl!

[The television screen goes blank again, and TOBYtoby grins less-certainly than before, looking around at his fellow Housemates. But this time no one is smiling. There is a lengthy pause while everyone around the room scowls at TOBYtoby.]

TOBYtoby: [Under his breath] Oh boy …

Pomgirl: [Not really comprehending what has just taken place] How cool!

Feral: [Voice over] So although he was safe from this week’s nominations, it looks like TOBYtoby’s days in the House were already numbered.

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is going crazy, exciting about witnessing the unveiling to the Housemates of the Insider’s secret identity.]

Feral: Wow, what a week! You could cut the tension in there with a knife! But remember, we’re going to be joined shortly by one of your favourite Housemates! Will it be Tyson? [The audience cheers in support of Tyson.] Will it be Dxxxx? [The audience cheers in support of Dxxxx.] Or will it be Magical_M? [The audience cheers in support of Magical_M.] Let’s head down to the House right now to make the announcement that will change someone’s online life forever.

[Cut to live footage of the Housemates all lined up on the couch, the three in the middle looking nervous. TOBYtoby is sitting arm-in-arm with Pomgirl, just slightly separate from the group on the far right. The audience goes crazy.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Hello! / Hi, Feral! / G’day! / etc.

Feral: How is everyone feeling tonight?

Housemates: Alright / great / okay / good, thank you / etc.

Feral: First up, I’ve got to talk to Pomgirl. How’s your first week in the House going? [The camera cuts to a shot of Pomgirl and the crowd goes wild.]

Pomgirl: Really well, thanks, Feral.

Feral: Has there been much of a culture shock for you yet?

Pomgirl: No, not yet. Everyone’s been really friendly to me; it’s been great.

Feral: That’s what we like to hear. Although I don’t think the same can be said for you this past twenty-four hours, TOBYtoby, can it! [The crowd boos like they’re attending a bad pantomime starring Kristian Schmid and Rebekah Elmaloglou.]

TOBYtoby: Um, it could have been better, yeah.

Feral: [Laughing to herself] I’m sure it could. We’ll just leave that there. I need to talk to our three nominated Housemates, now. Let’s start with you, Magical_M.

Magical_M: Hi Feral. [Audience cheers for Magical_M.]

Feral: What are you thinking? Have you been nominated every week?

Magical_M: Every week, yeah. I’m okay. If I’m going, I’m going.

Feral: What are you doing wrong, girl?

Magical_M: I wish I knew! No one’s telling me anything, so …

Feral: You think maybe you’re just too hottt for your own good?

Magical_M: [Amused] Something like that, yeah.

Feral: Okay, fair enough. Good luck tonight.

Magical_M: Thanks, Feral.

Feral: Okay, next is Dxxxx.

Dxxxx: Hello. [Audience cheers for Dxxxx.]

Feral: Now you’ve had a pretty interesting start to the week, didn’t you!

Dxxxx: [Thinking] Did I? I can’t remember …

Feral: You and another certain nominated Housemate?

Dxxxx: [Remembering and getting embarrassed] Oh yes! Um, … that was just …

Feral: A comfort thing?

Dxxxx: Um, yeah. A comfort thing.

Feral: Do you think that might be why you got nominated?

Dxxxx: Maybe, yeah, but I’m also one of the new Housemates, so it might just be that.

Feral: That’s true.

Dxxxx: But I’ve had a great time in the House, so whatever happens, I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished.

Feral: Okay, good luck.

Dxxxx: Thanks Feral.

Feral: Now, finally, Tyson.

Tyson: Hello. [Audience cheers for Tyson.] What’s going on out there? It sounds like a party! [The audience cheers even louder.]

Feral: Practically, yes. Speaking of which, whoever gets evicted tonight is going to have a party out here while the rest of you in there go without for at least another day!

Tyson: Good point, maybe it’d be better to be evicted! [Then hurriedly, making a joke] Not really, not really! [He grins.]

Feral: Have you been missing Audrey & The Bad Apples much this week?

Tyson: Oh, yeah, it’s been pretty hard at times. She’s an amazing person and I can’t wait to catch up with her again. But hopefully not too soon!

Feral: Well, let’s find out who it is who’ll be joining me on stage in a moment. All the best for tonight.

Tyson: Thank you!

Feral: Good luck to everyone.

Housemates: Cheers / thanks, Feral / thank you / etc.

Feral: I’ve got the envelope and I’m opening it now. [The audience starts wailing and gnashing their teeth.] Here we go … It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Dxxxx!

[Audience goes absolutely nuts. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

Dxxxx: [Standing immediately.] I knew it. [She turns and hugs Magical_M, then Tyson.]

RichardWatts: I don’t believe it! Two members of Team Fag-Dag evicted in two weeks! That’s just wrong!

Dxxxx: You know who’s going next week, then! [RichardWatts feigns a heart attack as a joke.]

Steph: That sucks, Dxxxx.

MelbourneGirl: It’s not gonna be the same without you, hon.

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

[Gav sniggers at Tyson, but Tyson keeps a straight face. No one else seemed to notice what Tyson said.]

Tammiodo: My fellow Intruder! No way! [She hugs Dxxxx.] Sorry to see you go.

Dxxxx: Thanks.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Dxxxx, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Gav: See ya later, Dxxxx.

Magical_M: Remember, heaps of people love you!

Pomgirl: Bye, Dxxxx.

TOBYtoby: Have a good one.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Dxxxx, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

[Dxxxx walks to the door, waving back to the other Housemates. The door opens and she steps through, still waving. The door closes and the Housemates are left alone.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Okay, you voted for her; now we get to talk to her! Dxxxx is on her way to join me live on stage, but before she gets here, let’s take a moment to talk to the audience.

[The cheering goes into even higher decibels than before, as the camera turns around and pans over the audience, zooming in on one sign being held up by a mostly hyper-active, underpaid, sometimes overly dramatic and excessively exaggerated, but supercute city girl with a penchant for ellipses, run-on sentences, talking in third-person, and men. The sign reads: “Hey.. how does one get to be on this 'show'? I want on the next season! Please please!!?”]

Feral: [Laughing] Well, miss … I can tell you the best way to appear on the next season of Big Blogger, and it’s a foolproof way to ensure you make the cut, or my name isn’t Feral Condescending Killmen! It’s a bit of a secret, though, so make sure you listen very carefully … [She puts her finger to her ear and appears to be listening to voices only she can hear.] Wow, that was quick! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our seventh Big Blogger Evictee to the stage: Dxxxx!

[The audience erupts in cheers of molten lava as Dxxxx walks down the gang plank and greets Feral on stage.]

Dxxxx: Hello! Hi everyone!

Feral: Hello Dxxxx! Congratulations on a fantastic couple of weeks in the House!

Dxxxx: It wasn’t very long, was it. [They sit, and the audience woops for joy.]

Feral: It was long enough! I think you did well! [The audience applauds in agreement.] And you had a very eventful time in there!

Dxxxx: Yeah, I guess so.

Feral: Did you have a good time?

Dxxxx: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! I had an absolute ball.

Feral: Well, it’s my duty to tell you that you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils, and that’s where you’ll see who nominated you.

Dxxxx: Cool!

Feral: But first we’re going to look at the votes. This graph shows both the ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’ options. [A graph appears on screen. Feral glances at it and immediately gives up trying to decipher what it says.] And there you have it. Simple!

Dxxxx: [Unsure] Right.

Feral: Okay, how about some prizes?

Dxxxx: Excellent!

Feral: Alright then. Here you go; a packet of two-minute noodles and a box of matches!

[Audience cheers.]

Dxxxx: Um. Goodness me. I don’t know what to –

Feral: [Interrupting] Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Seven, Dxxxx!

[Audience applauds as Dxxxx leaves the stage smiling and waving to the audience.]

Feral: Alright, that’s it for another week. The Housemates are just getting to know their new international guest, so make sure you tune in next week for more from the pint-sized opinion-pot, Pomgirl. Will the Housemates forgive and forget when it comes to TOBYtoby, or will they hold a grudge until next week’s nominations? And what about their diet of staples? How will that affect the mood of the House? For all these answers and more, be sure to read next week’s exciting episode! I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where you never never know, … if you never never … um … leave a comment. Good night!

[Audience gets its groove back.]

Mike: [Voice over] Who’ll be our eighth evicted Housemate? Tune in next week to find out! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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