Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 25

Last night, we were treated to another highly enjoyable episode of Thank God You're Here (TGYH). The performers on last night’s show were first-timers Melbourne radio personality (and soon-to-be TV show celebrity prankster) Matt Tilley and UK comedian Ross Noble, along with TGYH veterans Julia Zemiro and Frank Woodley. It was a clear example of how one newbie can stutter and stammer their way through their scene (Mr Tilley) while another tears the arse off everything thrown his way (Mr Noble). I had hoped for more from Matt Tilley, especially as his Fox FM “Gotcha” Calls are generally so amusing (for those childish people amongst us who still find it hilarious when someone falls for a prank phone call, the likes of which some of us have never grown out of making since our primary school days … ahem). But he was pretty weak, it must be said - although, to be fair, it’s worth pointing out that he was given a fairly lame scene. Still, he didn’t make too much of the rest of what he was given, either. So a few good responses aside, he was disappointing (mainly because I know he can do better - maybe a second appearance on the show would eliminate the first-night jitters and be a better vehicle for his sharp and clever wit). Meanwhile, Ross demonstrated why he’s so brilliantly successful as a stand-up comedian whenever he tours Australia. And while Frank seemed to have a less-than-exceptional scene, he did wonders with it (as usual). Julia also did a fantastic job last night - she was my second-favourite performer … coming in just slightly behind eventual winner Ross. But let’s take a look at each of them individually.

Frank was up first, and he played the part of a pet shop owner who needed to break the news of a lost cat to a couple who’d left their moggy with him while they went away. Before entering the scene, judge Tom Gleisner mentioned to host Shane Bourne that the night held certain surprises in store for our contestants, one of which being ‘beasties’. When Frank emerged and spoke to Shane, he told him he knew there were going to be ‘beasties’ in his scene. When asked why he knew this, he answered that his shirt said ‘Pet Stop’, … “and I’ve … augggh … got a brain!” Before telling Frank that their animal was a cat, its owners quizzed him about whether or not he’d worked out what kind of breed their pet was. He replied that they’d crossed a Jack Russell with a shitsu, but that he didn’t know jack shit about that. The same joke could have been used about a bull dog and a shih tsu, with a slightly altered punchline. He explained that the deluxe kennel differed from a regular kennel because it comes with an extra centimetre on all sides, plus a chaise lounge inside. When asked, Frank demonstrated the special ‘cat aerobics’ he gets all the cats to do in their kennels. He then gave us an extensive story about taking the cats to the greyhounds, partway through which he gave up and levelled with the couple: “Look, your cat’s been eaten”. Not eaten, said ensemble cast member Ed Kavalee, and Frank took the cue, agreeing: “No, just licked quite hard.” Moving over to the caged dogs that made up one wall of the set, and trying to open one of them, he discovered something: “You know what they’ve done? They’ve wired those shut so I can’t get at the dogs. Which, you know? I think is wise.” Finally, Ed had to admit to the couple that their cat Susie was missing, although Frank insisted: “No, dead!” Again, Ed had to correct Frank by repeating ‘Not dead - what’s the word we use?’, to which Frank asked, “Ohhh, … coma?” That wasn’t the word - it was ‘Misplaced’. It turns out that Frank had drawn a cartoon cat on the ‘wanted: dead or alive’ posters. Frank’s sugestion for how to make it up to the couple was that he was going to be their cat from now on. In the first pre-recorded segment, which featured our four erstwhile contestants standing next to a cardboard cut-out of the (supposedly) formerly-fat versions of themselves, spruiking a product called Mega Slim in a TV commercial, Frank told us that his wife likes the new him, because now, when they make love, she no longer screams under the weight of him. When asked what he had to say to his cardboard cut-out former self, he said, “Hey, it’s nice to see you’ve lost all that weight … and some of that height - that’s weird!” (because the cut-out stood about a foot taller than himself). When the TV ad’s voiceover guy said, “So it’s out with those old clothes, …” Frank finished: “… and in with the speedos … and you can glide with your floppy skin”, as he indicated imaginary ‘wings’ of flabby skin hanging underneath his raised forearms. In the second pre-recorded segment, which was a parody of Jamie’s Kitchen called ‘Café Sixteen’, Frank said he likes to throw the vegetables into the air and slice (although in reality it was more like ‘swat‘) at them with a big knife in order to cut them up. When a dissatisfied customer signalled him from across the restaurant, Frank smiled and waved, then walked away in mock-blissful innocence of there being anything wrong. When he did approach the customer, he tripped on his own foot as he approached him, tipped a jug of water over him, and in the apologetic fit that followed, he gulped down a mouthful of the customers’ wine. While the customer sat in his wet outfit, Frank ripped his own from his body for him to wear, then gulped down more of their wine. He finished the scene by thanking the head chef for giving him a chance to work there, and being the only person to trust him - and while shaking his hand, a crapload of cutlery fell out of his sleeve. For the group scene, which featured all four celebrities as a team of Olympic slalom athletes being questioned by a decidedly unimpressed official, the scene started with Frank, Ross, Matt and Julia entering the set on a slalom. Frank was at the back, and he said he found it difficult to grip on at the back because he was born without fingers, then held up his gloved hand to demonstrate that the glove’s fingers bent back to his hand because they were empty (because he wasn’t wearing the gloves properly). When the Olympic official asked them why they took last year off training, Julia said that she’d had a baby - and Frank added that he’d had one, too. He said he’d had an idea about how they can reduce wind resistance to increase their speed, and then revealed that his ‘big idea’ was that they don’t need both kidneys, so if they each removed one kidney and left a hole through the middle of their torsos, they could go much faster. He ended by admitting that they haven’t got the ‘downhill’ bit mastered yet, … “but as far as swaying left and right goes”, … then they all went on to demonstrate their coordination - but got it so terribly, amusingly wrong. He did a great job as usual, although he wasn’t the best of the night, IMHO - in fact, I don’t even think he was the second-best …

Ross was already making jokes with Shane before the show began, proper - saying that he’d recently recovered from a motorcycle accident, but that they were able to rebuild him. Apparently, he cost eight dollars. “I’m the eight-dollar man.” Then he affected an air of mock-honesty and confided in Shane: “To be honest with you, I’ve just found out that this isn’t a religious show”, and then suggested that with all the doors in their set, they should rent it out to Jehovah’s Witnesses for practice when they’re not filming the show. He came on for his scene dressed as an elfin king from some kind of Lord of the Rings-type story, and joked that he thought he was going to be on “Dancing With The Staff” (because of the ornate wooden staff in his hand). As he walked through the door and found two other elfin-type ensemble cast members in awe of his ‘return’ while a smoke machine added a level of mystery to the forest setting, Ross immediately said, “I don’t mean to alarm you, but your feet are actually on fire. I’ve told you two about pissing about with matches!” He was asked for the traditional greeting and performed a stupid but amusing dance. When asked a question by ensemble cast member (and current Neighbours recurring guest star - as Toadie’s former employer Tim Collins) Ben Anderson, the following exchange took place:

Ben: “How did you escape the droags of Voldar?”
Ross: “The what?”
Ben: “The droags.”
Ross: “How did I scrape them?”
Ben: “Escape them.”
Ross: “Oh, escape them, sorry - we’ll, I actually scraped them as a means of escape.”

He was asked about his dwarf companions, and he answered that they’re doing some kind of show on ice. A big Hollywood producer had seen them crossing the mountains and asked if they could wear skates. “Trouble is, their feet are too hairy. I was shaving them for hours.” Then he was asked about Lady Gwendoline. “I was shaving her for hours, as well. But that had nothing to do with the ice skating.” Then a tall wizard entered, and Ross’ casual “Oh, here he is” amused me. He was asked if he knew who it was, and he replied, “It’s my granddad.” It’s the wizard, came the reply. “Well, he would be, wouldn’t he! Look at him. He doesn’t work in a milk bar, does he!” The wizard asked Ross what tidings he brings, and Ross replied, “Oh, good ones. Very good ones. Yes. Whole box of tidings.” Perhaps it’s his accent that makes these simple statements sound so amusing - and perhaps it’s the flippant way he delivers them. Or more likely a combination of the two. The wizard noted that he was carrying the Staff of Nergal. Ross told him, “Well, I went into Bunnings, and it was on special, so I thought ‘I’ll have that’. It’s magical, but also, you can open windows, see? And it’s very good for rock-balancing.” Then he demonstrated how he could balance on the large boulder by using the staff as a counterpoint on the ground. When the wizard told him, “These are dark days, young lord,” Ross replied, “Yes they are,” and shouted over his shoulder, “Turn a light on!” He advised us how the fiercest creatures of all are bogans, and when asked how they can protect themselves from their demonic armies, he suggested that they could hide, because “… that’s always a popular favourite”. Another ensemble cast member suddenly popped out of a large tree stump, dressed up like a goblin, chanting, “The answer, the answer - I have the answer!” Without missing a beat, Ross said, “You want to get him on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, that one!” The goblin messenger then gave the elf king a riddle in a typically spooky and taunting voice:

“A spirited jig, it dances bright,
Diminishing every thing in sight.
Give it food and it will live,
Give it water, and it will die.”

Ross looked at him for a beat, then turned to the wizard and asked with a scowl, “Is he high?” (By the way, the answer to the riddle, my dear friends - if you’re interested - is ‘fire’.) Then there was a thunderous voice from the sky, and the wizard said it was “He whose name must not be spoken”, to which Ross did the obvious gag (but that’s alright, because it was the set-up that was obvious), asking: “What, John? Oops!” It was a highly enjoyable scene filled with many laughs, and it was pretty clear that it’d be a hard thing indeed to best Ross’ efforts during this episode. He was clearly the one to beat. This turned out to be particularly unfortunate news for Matt Tilley, because he was the next cab off the rank - and Ross’ scene was a tough one to follow. In the Mega Slim commercial pre-record, Ross said that the people from Mega Slim motivate you by releasing an angry panther into your house, and as you flee from it, you’ll lose weight. In the Jamie’s Kitchen pre-record, while basting pasta, he said he was a painter who thought he was originally being brought in to do some decorating, but he didn’t realise pasta would be involved. Dressed in kitchen whitewear, he said he learnt everything about working as a chef by watching Under Siege with Steven Segal, “… so when I’ve finished this, I’ll just find another chef and run out at him with a knife and slice him up”, and he then demonstrated his karate moves. When the head chef told Ross that he’d expressly asked him to use a ‘fartherling’, Ross answered, “Oh, I thought you said Father Ling, the Chinese priest who lives up the road, so he’s out the back now doing confession and kung-fu”. One of his diners requested bread that was more fresh than the bread on the table, so Ross tipped some water on it to moisten it up, before asking, “How about you, sir? Would you like some bread-water?” When asked why he had ‘Kelly’ (Julia) in tears earlier, he said it was because he was rubbing onions into her eye: “I couldn’t peel them, but she’s just got the perfect shape to … (motions grinding onions into her eye-socket)”. Amongst the suggestions he’s brought to the kitchen are that they use pepper spray instead of a grinder, an idea he got from his own criminal background. He was asked why he thought he should be kept in the program, and his answer was that he’s managed to bake his own hand into a loaf of bread - which is not an easy thing to do, apparently - and now he can’t get it off (then he waved his bread-covered hand in the air and accidentally knocked a bunch of ladles to the floor). Before entering the group scene, he told Shane he loved the outfit he was wearing, and that he’d never felt so free, before waving his lycra’d butt at the audience. As the slalom pulled into the scene, he jumped out of it, pretending to fall over the top of it - but when he did so, he inadvertently kicked Matt Tilley (who was behind him) in the groin - and Matt was seriously hurt, whacking Ross on the arm and telling him he’d seriously hurt him. According to Ross, they took over 30 minutes to complete their slalom run (instead of the normal 47 seconds) because they stopped off to do a bit of shopping. When the representative from the Australian Olympic Committee said they spent over a million dollars a year on them, he remarked that if they’d spent all that money, they should have picked up that he’s not Australian! When Julia said she’d had a baby, and Frank threw in that he’d had one too, Ross added, “I’ve got one now,” and bulged his stomach out to resemble a pregnant woman’s belly. He then demonstrated his dancing skills by throwing fake snowflakes in the air and swooping underneath them and performing his moves. He was brilliant and truly deserved the win. I hope we see him back on the show again.

Matt was playing a skin care specialist on a TV advertorial, although before entering the scene he told Shane that his guesses were that he was one of Larry Emdur’s teeth, or had just escaped from the Ponds Institute. I always love a “Ponds Institute” punchline - that gag has been amusing me for years, ever since I first heard the D-Gen gang use it in the 80s. I sincerely find it remarkably funny, so at this point I still held out high hopes for Tilley’s performance in his scene. He’d already made me laugh - could he live up to the hype throughout the next five minutes? Before walking through the blue door, he described the feeling of what he was about to do as being a bit like a first date - except that you don’t know if it’s going to be a man or a woman. He then said he was a bit nervous, but that … “it’s not good to be nervous when you’re wearing white, I reckon”. Upon entering the scene and finding two female ensemble cast members waiting for him (Roz Hammond and Nicola Parry), he affected an almost-transvestite-style voice and greeted them thus: “Hello boys!” They asked him what his product, Moxybrasion, actually is, and he replied, “Well, I’m so glad you asked!”, which is an excellent technique for stalling while he thinks up an answer. He said they take you through their unique seven-step process “… which you must pay for along the way”. They start by sandpapering the skin, then getting some spac filler, then sandpapering it again, then getting sued, … He was asked if it was a painful procedure, to which he replied, “Absolutely not! Nobody who’s lived has said it’s been painful.” The only side effects so far have been the current affair investigations. According to Matt’s character, the skin has three layers: the top, the middle and “my favourite” the bottom. He observed that the skin is also our biggest organ … in most cases. When one of the women produced a weird-looking apparatus, Matt called it “Daddy’s best friend”, then said he wouldn’t use it now because they didn’t have any towels - although it can also be used on your dinner. The worst thing about the story A Current Affair did on him was that he hadn’t been able to hide the bodies. One of his satisfied customers is none other than the high-profile politician Mr Paul Hansen (“as he’s now known”). Nicola asked him, “You claim you can take five years of a person’s face - could it take five years off my face?”, to which Matt replied, “I’d say a bottle of vodka could get you off your face!” It didn’t really answer the question or stay on topic at all - in fact, it switched gears midway through the illustration - but it got a laugh from the audience, and that’s all that matters. To a point. Anyway, a beautiful blonde model was brought out on to stage, and Matt was asked what he’d done to her. “Paid her” was his clever response. They then showed her ‘before shot’, which was of a 98-year-old woman, and asked him how he achieved his results. “Photoshop”, he replied. A good answer to finish the scene, but a bit of a yawn-inducing few minutes, all told. Sorry, Matt - I like you and wanted you to do better, but I think between your own nerves and the tediously dull scene you were given, it wasn’t your best work. Maybe next time? In the Mega Slim pre-recorded commercial, Matt said his secret to losing all his weight was that he ate the cardboard box and threw out the Mega Slim, while in the restaurant pre-recorded segment, when asked what his underprivileged background was, he said he didn’t have a Nintendo as a kid. He also said the hardest thing for him to learn is when things are hot - as he placed his hand on the hotplate and burnt himself. In the group scene, after being on the receiving end of Ross Noble’s heel in the groin as they came on stage, Matt (understandably) spent the first few minutes nursing his wounds. Literally. He stood pretty still with his hands in front of his injured bits ‘n’ pieces until the grumpy Olympic official stated that the Australian Olympic Committee spends over a million dollars a year on the team, and Matt butted in with, “How stupid are they!” He then told the official that his medical condition was cramps from holding his stomach in in his costume. Matt wasn’t terrible by any means, but he was, unfortunately, the dimmest shining star in a particularly bright bunch. I don’t think he was given much to work with, scenario-wise - and I think it’s fair to say that he’s used to being the wittiest one in the room (working on radio with Jo Stanley, Adam Richard and Troy Ellis). When you’re normally the funny one and suddenly find yourself in unfamiliar territory with a bunch of other, equally witty people who’ve all done this kind of thing before, it’s no wonder he came off the worst for wear. The true test will be whether he does any better on his next TGYH appearance (should he ever be lucky / unfortunate enough to receive another invitation).

Julia was the final celebrity to strut her stuff, and I thought she was hilarious. She played a ‘doctor in love’, and when Shane greeted her on stage, she pointed out that she was carrying a clipboard by saying, “And I’ve got a note … pad. See, I can’t even speak. I’m looking forward to getting in there.” Using a time-honoured technique of entering a scene with all guns blazing, Julia was encountered by Ed Kavalee who asked her, “What’s with the three-hour lunch break?”, to which she snapped, “Well, I was waiting for you; ya said you were going to join me, I’m sitting there alone with a chardonnay and a beer going warm, imagine my surprise when you don’t turn up!” The audience applauded this opening line, and well they should. Not only was it very amusing, but she just happened to nail her character in one inspired guess. She snapped at Ed when he placed his hand on her sleeve (“Don’t touch me like that!”), and when ensemble cast member Heidi Arena, playing the part of the hospital’s matron, asked her why she had told Mrs Scott that she could go home today - despite being in a coma - Julia answered, “Why let that stop her? Let her run free,” before turning to Ed and adding, sotto voice, you and I, down the pub, push her in, have a drink, go off to ‘eh-eh-ehh’ …” After the matron had left the room, Julia (whose character’s name was Dr Felicity West) started clicking away at the computer, and grumbled under her breath at Ed, “I’m going back to Lava Life, that’s what I’m doing”. Then - in true soapie style, at Ed’s “Doctor?”, she spun around and pleaded with him, “Why do you call me doctor? Call me Flick.” Ed asked her what’s wrong, saying she’d been ignoring him all morning. She spluttered back at him in surprise: “I’ve been ignoring … ?? Are you mental??” Another amusing piece of dialogue came when Ed asked her about last night, and she launched into an explanation of why she hadn’t rung him - because she was busy. It turns out they were actually in bed together, to which she confessed to having taken the drugs she was supposed to give to Mrs Scott, the coma patient. “I took them because I’m crazy for you!” she cried, in true melodramatic style. It was clear throughout this episode that she wasn’t just in a regular hospital scene - she played her role like she was on a sappy soapie like General Hospital or something … which only made it even more amusing. She told him she was leaving him, and that she needed some space to walk around him and take a look at what she was giving up. Suddenly, they were interrupted by a paging announcement for Doctor West - and she checked her ID card to be sure they were paging her. When doing so, she failed to actually listen to the announcement, so when Ed asked, “What’s a code yellow?”, she sighed and said, “Oh, I’m glad you were listening”, before explaining, “A code yellow, ah, it means an emergency of some kind. A heart attack … of love. Can you hear me when I say I love you?” Then she followed this by speaking in a funny voice into the end of his stethoscope. When he asked her what a PCR was, she ‘looked it up on the computer’ and declared that it was a practical cervical retraction … “Not appropriate for a man with a heart attack, but oh well.” He told her to look into his eyes, then asked her what she saw: “Contact lenses”. Suddenly, another doctor entered (Ben Anderson again) and seemed distressed to find Julia in Ed’s arms. Ed got her to tell the other doctor what they’ve been up to, so she proclaimed, “Okay, this is awkward … we’ve been making love to one another - with no clothes, sometimes.” The jilted doctor asked her why she’d cheated on him. Looking at Ed, she answered: “Because he’s young and stupid, and I like that in a man. He makes me feel important. You’re too smart with your Oxford degree and your this and your that and your Nobel Prize and your poet laureate - no! I want someone stupid and big and tall and dumb like a dog, ruff!” In the pre-recorded Mega Slim commercial, the only thing she had to say to her former self was, “Fatty!”, and in the restaurant-based pre-recorded segment, she admitted to not having known where chickens came from prior to getting the job in Café Sixteen. The group scene saw her admit to having had a baby during the slalom team’s year off training, and she suggested they could dance to make their downhill runs more interesting.

Ross was definitely the funniest of the bunch last night, and I very much enjoyed what he did with his scene. The others were also very good, but in my opinion Ross had already sewn up his victory with the gags he made with Shane during the opening segment, before anybody had even gone backstage to change into their costumes. I hope he comes back to the show soon.

You can watch Ross’ Elfin King scene for yourself by visiting the official website.


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What Arrrgh Show; What Arrrgh Tragedy

Although my dear blogging friend Ms Fits gave Network Ten's new reality TV show Pirate Master a relative shellacking in the paper a while ago, I must confess to having a soft spot for this show. Why? Because I love pirates. Not as much as my other dear blogging friend Elaine loves pirates, but no one can love pirates more than she does, anyway - so she doesn't count.

What I love most about the show is the weekly treasure hunts that make up almost half of the hour. The contestants are randomly split into two teams (teams are never the same unless purely by chance), then they compete against the other team to be the first to find the buried treasure. They set out from the Picton Castle (the name of the pirate ship they're all living on throughout the show), row to a nearby island (each episode takes them to a different island with different buried treasure), and they use maps, booty traps and cryptic clues to locate the treasure chest filled with gold coins before the other team. The booty is then split amongst the winning team members (the captain gets more than anyone else, which has been a cruel but juicy twist to the bonds and friendships formed on the ship), and then someone is "cut adrift" at the end of the show. The captain chooses three people he wants gone, and the crew votes one of them out. But the captain must beware, for the crew possess the power to mutiny and cut them adrift instead (although only if the mutiny is unanimous).

Sound like Survivor on a boat? Well, it effectively is. Except that I don't really like Survivor, whereas Pirate Master doesn't take itself too seriously, and it's clear that the producers don't expect too much from their little show.

And as it turns out, that's a good thing. The show has been plagued with troubles, both here and in the US.

Shame. Aussie E-grade celebrities Cameron Daddo and Eden Gaha are heavily involved in the project (creator Bruck Bruckenheimer has often admitted to having a soft spot for Australians, having employed many Aussies over the years as his camera crews on most seasons of Survivor - he particularly likes their work ethic, which is why he hires them to film the other, top-rating show). Daddo is the show's host, and Gaha - inexplicably - is one of the Executive Producers. Just how the latter landed THAT gig, considering he was last seen as the near-invisible and hugely-underused vet on Channel Nine's Renovation Rescue a few years ago, I'll never know.


Cameron Daddo. I admit to still having a bit
of a crush on his wife (which originated in
my early teen years), Alison Brahe.

Eden Gaha: "Hey guys, remember me? ... No?"

The show's initial problems in the US amounted to much the same thing as the problems the show has encountered here in Australia as well: Basically, nobody's interested in watching it. Except for me, it seems.

However, whereas that's where the problems stop down here, back up there the situation has recently gotten a whole lot worse. One of the first contestants to be "cut adrift" on the show, District Attorney Cheryl (friend and co-conspirator of the at-first despised inaugural pirate captain Joe Don), committed suicide the other night - and the show has now been cancelled in the US. Apparently the remaining five episodes will be 'aired' on the official website, one per week, so that loyal viewers can see it through to the end (and so the winning contestant/s can receive their prizes, as prizes aren't awarded on TV shows until the episodes in question go to air - it's an advertising revenue thing). Cheryl's suicide is a tragic event, and it's an interesting insight into the human mind that the show has now probably gained more popularity than ever before. I bet the more black-hearted producers and network executives involved with this show in America would be hating themselves right about now -- here's the perfect opportunity to take advantage of the free press they're receiving and ride the wave of infamy to the end of the series with increased ratings (people will want to see Cheryl in the final episode, knowing with some sort of sick morbid curiosity that the woman they see smiling on their screens has since taken her own life). And yet these same hypothetical black-hearted producers know that if they were to screen the show on TV and be seen to 'profit' from the attention the show has received since Cheryl's death, the public's reaction will be outrage.


Cheryl Kosewicz: RIP.

The really nasty side of the coin for the producers of the show, is that the media is reporting that Cheryl left a message on fellow contestant Nessa's MySpace page not long before she ended her life, partly blaming the show for her decision. After reading said message for myself, I have to disagree. The full story is far more tragic and realistic (who'd kill themselves purely because of a TV they'd been on?).

Almost a month ago, Cheryl's boyfriend killed himself. That's awful enough, but when you realise that such a short time later she was to follow suit - presumably in desperation and despair - it compounds the misery for all. The comment Cheryl actually left on Nessa's MySpace page was the following:

"CHERYL K

28 Jun 2007 5:40 P

Truthfully, I've lost the strong Cherl and I'm just floating around lost. And this frik'n show doesn't help because it was such a contention between Ryan and I and plus its not getting good reviews.....then I made National Enquirer today so I'm just hitting it big....the hits keep on coming.

Sorry you couldn't make it to Vegas. It was a blast. Lets plan another trip in August - for one of the last shows....what do you think?"

So you see that the public's reaction to the show - not the show itself - was what was depressing Cheryl further. But to intimate that the compete story to Cheryl's sadness was somehow linked to the show is just nonsense (I know the reports said "blaming in part", but when no other reason is given, the implication is that the item referenced is the main cause). Clearly, the woman was already depressed beyond belief. She was grieving, and obviously taking it very badly. The truth of the matter is that the poor press and bad reviews the show was getting certainly wouldn't have helped her emotional state, but we can't go around pointing to the show as the main cause of her sorrow and the reason behind her decision. That's highly disrespectful; both to Cheryl, and her late boyfriend.

An eerie reminder of Cheryl is her MySpace page, which not (obviously) not been updated since a couple of days before her death.

So the show has been shafted to the Internet in the States. Meanwhile, before any of the above tragedy unfolded in America, the show was already attracting lower than low ratings in Australia, so the other week it was replaced with an hour-long Simpsons special (purportedly to celebrate the release of the movie), and then appeared at the extremely flattering new timeslot of 2pm Sundays. Considering that its original timeslot was 7:30pm Thursdays, this is quite a sideways shift.

TV Week still lists the show as appearing in its Thursday slot, so I'm not sure if I've already missed an episode on the weekend that's just passed ... seeing as I only found out about the scheduling change yesterday. Hopefully I'll be able to catch the show this Sunday and pick up exactly where I left off.

But if not, it's not the end of the world. (Note the lame and somewhat paraphrased Pirates of the Caribbean reference, there? Probably not, without me pointing it out like that. So I'm glad I did.)


The impressive Picton Castle.
Check out the size of this castle's moat!

So what does the future hold for Pirate Master? Well, I think it's safe to say there won't be a second season of the show. And if US audiences have to watch the remainder of the show online, I wonder if we'll ever see the end of the thing here, either. Will a 2pm timeslot on Sundays be any more fruitful for Ten than 7:30pm Thursdays? I can't exactly see people following it to its new (barely advertised) time. Except for me, of course - but I'm a different beast entirely. So maybe, in the wake of Cheryl's suicide, the show will be pulled from our screens here, as well. I certainly wouldn't put it past Ten to do something like that (it's not as if they haven't had a history of the same offence with other shows - Smallville, The 4400, Battlestar Galactica, Jericho, etc).

I know this much - if I'm forced to watch the last five episodes of the show from the Amercian website and read about the missing intervening episodes on Wikipedia or something, I will. But I'd prefer to watch it from start to finish like a normal person.

It might be a lame, sucky show that pales next to the likes of its older, more stable and popular cousin, Survivor. But the theme is more enjoyable, the b!tching is kept to a minimum (at least so far), the twists are in line with the pirate thing, and the challenges are all about hunting for hidden treasure. So it's WAY more exciting for the likes of me. I hope I get to watch it through.



PS - Pirate joke for everyone. Say it with me, now ... don't pretend like you don't know it ...


Q. Why are pirates pirates?

A. Because they arrrgh.


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Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 24

After Shaun Micallef's show-stopping scene last week (yes, I'm "still gushing about it" - you got a problem with that?!?), pretty much anything this week's episode served up for us was going to look pale and bulimic by comparison. Unfortunately for Akmal Saleh, Dave Hughes, Rebel Wilson and Josh Lawson, this meant they were really "up against it". Still, any episode of Thank God You're Here (TGYH) is a top-notch hour of television, so I certainly wasn't complaining.

Akmal Saleh started us off, and he was playing the part of a criminal profiler, whose new promotion to "Chief of Chief" made him the highest ranking officer in the room. His mantra was, "To catch a criminal, you must ... find him and hold him down with two hands." Of the three victims they were investigating, the first was strangled, the second was poisoned, and the third was shot. When asked what he made of that, Akmal replied, "Well, they're all dead." He hypothesised that the murders had all occurred between 9:30pm and 9:45pm on a Tuesday night because The Footy Show wasn't on at that time (nice little plug for his own network, now that he's on Channel Nine's Mick Molloy yawn-fest, The Nation). He then said he tried to get inside the killer's head ... with a bullet. When shown the composite sketches of their suspects, Akmal answered that the guy in the beanie was, "... the guy on the $20 note," before assuring them that he's long gone and not coming back. When a tape recorder was brought in and a haunting Hannibal Lecter-style message was played, it turned out to be Akmal's roommate wanting him to buy butterflies on his way home. Another cop entered and said the lab results were back, to which Akmah asked, "Leb results? We don't discriminate! We used to, though - that was fun!" When the latest victim's list of injuries were rattled off, ending with a bullet through the skull, Akmal's comment was, "Oooh, he must have a headache!" Finally, when it came to giving their serial killer his own nickname, what was Akmal's suggestion? Why, "Trevor", of course. In the Family Plus Benefit commercial, Akmal said he found the brochure very useful, because he turned it into a makeshift trumpet. The second pre-recorded segment was a filmed in the style of a documentary following a factory boss around for a day while he has to close down the factory and put everyone out of work. When asked how it feels to tell people they're going to be out of work, Akmal said, "Ah, you know, it's something that I kinda learned to enjoy. It's really addictive seeing their faces drop," before laughing cruelly. He asked his assistant if he'd done this before, and when the assistant answered "No", he advised him, "You're gonna have to do it and then just run." Once assembling in front of the employees, the assistant introduced him thus: "How about some applause for our hardworking CEO?", but when the reaction was considerably less than enthusiastic, Akmal said to his assistant, "I don't think they heard you; can you ask them again?" In the group scene, which was set in a TV studio airing a "Global Aid" telecast, Akmal was introduced as a macroclimatologist, which he erroneously described as "a climatologist, but smaller" (he was thinking of a microclimatologist). When asked to explain what we were watching on the large screen behind him, he told us how the pink arrows hitting the globe would stay there for about nine months, and then there'd be a baby. The weather patterns he's discovered - the tasty weather patterns - he called Il Carbonara. Then came the corker: "If we burn my girlfriend for fossil fuels, there'll be no more problem. With her permission, of course; we all have to make sacrifices!" Ouch, Akmal. Ouch.

Eventual winner of the night, Dave Hughes, comedian and radio host from Melbourne, found himself dressed in a rather fetching green and gold tracksuit, so it was clear that he was a sportsman. A retired Olympian, to be exact. He was greeting a class of schoolkids and giving them a talk. When the teacher told him the children were very excited to have him there, he answered, "They should be; I don't like doing this crap." It turned out that his sporting event of choice was the modern pentathalon, which consisted of five different events. When asked to name them, Dave stalled with, "They were five very difficult events - if you could master one of them you'd be a champion. I've mastered all five, so respect me." He then clarified some of the events by saying, "Shooting, the one on the horse (here the teacher said, "Equestrian"), equestrian, yeah - look, I've retired and got on the drugs, so I can't remember the rest." The teacher reminded him of the fencing event, and then asked him what the French name for his fencing sword was. "La sword". His accident during the Opening Ceremony was that he stood too close to the Olympic Flame and his tracksuit almost went up. When it was announced that he'd won the bronze medal and the kids clapped a bit, Dave was unimpressed with their lacklustre attempt: "You could clap a bit more than that; I didn't just get a two-foot putt in, alright? You'd be lucky if you get your crayons inside the lines!" We got a peek inside the inner workings on his mind: while on the dais, he was thinking: "The chick who gave me the medal was hot." Then he shocked the sports community when he told everyone he was actually a woman. Dave followed this ground-breaking moment up by turning to the kids and telling them that men are normally better than women, and telling the young girls to remember that. His own personal brand of Boost Bars apparently boost your ability to live a fun life, and have only 5 grams of fat per serving - although he reminds you that the "serving size is half a peanut". He's most proud of the fact that he once rode a horsey, and was thrown out of the Athletes' Village because he was with a lot of women. His advice to the kids was: "What you're doing today at school will not help you at all." In the Family Plus Benefits commercial, he was standing in a brand new kitchen in a lovely house with a pregnant woman, and claimed that the family plus benefit was great, because he's never had a job, but look at their new house! He then explained to the voiceover artist that the woman isn't going to get pregnant online; "... she needs to be in the room with you". When asked if he felt he deserved the family plus benefit, he said yes, because he's an Australian, and Australians deserve free stuff. In the factory boss documentary, he assured the filmmaker that the employees would react badly; "They always react badly - that's why they've got crap jobs." When standing in front of the doomed employees, David explained "what he always says" ... that small business is like a balloon: "It's full of hot air, and you people are the hot air, and I'm letting you out of the balloon so you can hiss away into society and possibly find jobs where you're not dressed so ridiculously!" In the group scene, Dave played the part of a destitute farmer "doing it tough" working on the land. He said he'd seen some unusual changes, such as the fact that the two black sheep with him were white that morning, because the sun is that harsh out there. Apparently all the dams on his farm are dry, and the bottle of milk in his hand has to last the sheep until 2015. When one of the sheep got a little too excited, he yelled at it to back off, and then said that the highlight of the recent Keith Urban Charity Concert was when he left the stage, because he hates Keith Urban, and then added with a scoff, "Charity? I heard he got paid."

Rebel Wilson was the third to step through the blue door, and she was the wife of a prisoner who was running late for her prison visit with her husband. According to Rebel herself, she was "a bit of a slurry". As the prison guard held her chair out for her to sit down, she stuck her butt out at him in an exaggerated fashion as if to seduce (or at least distract; some might say repulse) him. She told her husband that her kids were asking questions about how he was going in the showers in prison, and if anything happens. This was a gag she returned to twice more during this scene (which I thought was just often enough to be very witty and clever - a fourth such reference would have been one too many, so I was glad to see that she kept to the "magic three" rule of golden comedy). And this girl knows comedy, having performed on The Wedge.* When her husband asked about Jess, she answered that Jess was getting pole dancing lessons ... before learning that "Jess" was the name of their German Shepherd. Hubby then asked her if she knew what the only thing was that's keeping him sane in gaol, and she asked, "The men in the showers?" He quizzed her on the last thing she said to him before he went in there, and she recited the words to the song "We Go Together" from the musical Grease ("We go together like chumalungalunga"). While dancing on the spot, she squeezed her breasts together in a wholly unamusing way, although the audience seemed to love it (maybe they had the Benny Hill crowd in for that episode). She admitted that her husband's threat of what he'd do to her if she cheated on him while he was in prison had her really, really scared (making her rollerskate for kilometres in a bikini for everyone to see), and fair enough - that'd scare me, too. When he asked her if she knew what he did last night, she replied, "Is this about the showers?", which I thought was a great call. She then told him she'd seen an idea on Prison Break, so she planned to tattoo the secret codes to the security alarm on her stomach, because: "I have a big surface area here". When the guard told them her time was up, she asked him, "What if I flash you my tits; do we get some more time?" She then apologised for not being able to make it for her visit next week, because of the dog's pole dancing lessons. When the husband said it was meant to be a conjugal visit and she said it'd have to be done over the phone, he asked how that was meant to work. She replied that she can talk "in a really deep voice." Rebel wasn't as bad as I've been fearing (does anybody have a high opinion of The Wedge??), but she certainly wasn't the strongest of the night. In the Family Plus Benefit commercial, Rebel said she had to run an obstacle course in under thirteen minutes to qualify, and that she'd be spending the $5,000 big screen TV; "... it's not going on the kids". In the factory boss doco segment, she told the filmmaker beforehand that she planned to break the news to the employees about their mass retrenchments through song, and then gave us an examples: "Lalalalalala ... (points) fired." When her assistant entered the room, she instructed the cameraman not to film him, because she's the subject matter of this documentary. She also told the filmmaker that the sacked workers could now audition for Australian Idol, because as we saw from last year, "really anyone can win" - and she said it with the very deliberate and intentional implication that she thinks Damien Leith is crap. (This point is interesting when you consider that the first time I ever saw Rebel was when she and another girl were doing that series of Telstra ads during Idol a few years ago, playing Jenny the stupid and inconsiderate schoolgirl. Remember? They were all set in Jenny's bedroom or basement, and the two actresses even attended one of the semi-finals in character, holding up signs similar to those they'd used throughout the course of the commercials.) As she approached the assembled employees, she pointed to her assistant and whispered to the camera, "He's fired as well." When her assistant told the employees that the factory was going to close, she was standing next to him, where she used her hands to "mime" a set of doors closing. And true to her word, she finished the scene by singing an impromptu song to the employees about their sacking: "Today you were all sacked, and you might be feeling really blue, But tomorrow is a new day, it's just up to you-oo-oo-oo-oo, So exit now, C'mon, get out ..." In the group scene, Rebel was definitely at her weakest of the night. She said she was in Ten's popular new reality series, Big Sister. She did the lamest of lame handstands, but it was meant to be lame, so it was funny to watch her attempting it. When Akmal appeared in the chair next to her, she introduced him as her boyfriend, then took a pretty nasty knock from her "beloved" about her weight and the drain she's personally causing on the environment. No matter how much I might hate her skit show, or how poorly she might have done in this final scene particularly, taking the kind of backhanded insult Akmal served her up was more than a little harsh. (It's one thing for a "fatty" to make fat jokes about themselves; it's quite another thing for someone else to make fat jokes about another person - without their permission, anyway, and Rebel certainly didn't make it clear that she'd okayed it in advance.) I actually enjoyed her performance in her individual scene and the two pre-recorded segments, so I choose to remember those moments as her highlights.

* Please note the sarcasm in that statement.

Finally, Josh Lawson came out to wow us with his female ensemble cast-fondling abilities. This time, he was the owner of a discount airline ("Jetplus" - I wonder who that's a reference to!), being interviewed on a TV talk show. Apparently he did the show once before, back in the 90s, and was amazed to see the female co-host: "Oh, you have not aged well, darling!" He specified that he wanted to be introduced as Sir Nigel Esquire the Fourth (and a half), before the intro music played and he started reading the ensemble cast member's cue cards: "Welcome back - I'm so sorry!" His list of prior jobs included pizza delivery boy and petty theft, and when he was introduced as Sir Nigel Bradford esquire the fourth, he interrupted with a "And a half, I think we'd agreed! Oh dear. Oops!" He was asked to explain his low-cost airline, and answered that question like this: "How many times have you sat at the airport and though, "Argh! There's got to be a better way!"? Well, I've come up with that better way. With Jetplus. (beat) That explains nothing." When questioned about what the advertised "creature comforts" will be included, Josh answered that he'll be there in person on every flight flying Sydney to London, giving passengers foot massages (which he then tried to demonstrate on ensemble cast member Nicola Parry (with whom Josh has a prior theatresports background, as I've mentioned before, and I'd say - both from her panicked reaction and his committed intention to get her boots off so he could "massage" her feet - that he knows she hates it or is extremely tickling or something). For entertainment, the passengers are invited to skydive on the end of a bungee rope. Then, in a brilliant stroke of genius that very few are able to provide, he laughing told the camera that the three of them "have so much fun when I come on the show," before turning to Nicola again and saying, "Tell them that story you told me last time. Don't be shy; she sings an amazing song. She has the voice of an angel that swallowed a nightingale." I'm guessing Nicola misheard or misunderstood what was meant by that comment, because she gave him the deadliest filthy look I think I've ever seen (in character, though). However, I suspect it may have been more about her trying to maintain a deadpan face, rather than sending him a "message" in the glare. Apparently, what we call "flight attendants", he calls "cough cough" (literally). When Nicola asked what she'd have to do if she wanted to become a Jetplus flight attendant, Josh laughed good-naturedly and assured her that she was MUCH too old. Finally, Jetplus' advertising campaign, where they claim that they're fighting childhood obesity, was brought up - and Josh was asked how this could possibly be true. He told them that they offer free lyposuction mid-flight, and when Nicola made the mistake of saying, "Oooh", he scathingly remarked, "Yeah, 'Oooh'; it's got HER attention!" In the Family Plus Benefit commercial, Josh was standing with two young schoolgirls (obviously playing the roles of his daughters), and he told us how he'd sold his computer "... because Mummy left. She thought it'd be fun to go off and have a new Daddy". He said the best thing about the family plus benefit was the smiles on his little girls' faces, although he got their names muddled and cracked it when they corrected him: "Dammit! I want name badges on both of you!" With the $5,000, he said, "Ooh, I think a holiday - how does that sound, girls? Daddy goes to Hawaii and you guys can fend for yourselves? High-five!" Not surprisingly, they didn't respond to the high-five. In the factory boss segment, Josh was asked if this was the toughest thing he's ever had to do, to which he replied, "Yeah," then brightened as he remembered, "... No! At the fun fair I had the hammer (mimes slamming a sledgehammer onto the strength-tester sensor) and got the thing almost to the very top." The filmmaker (who was played by TGYH creator and location director Rob Sitch, by the way - if you were trying to place the voice) then asked him about Josh's own recent pay rise while 75 people were about to lose their jobs; he asked how he justifies that decision. "I try not to," Josh told him, "It's dodgy. DODGY!" Then he looked at the camera. "Is that recording?" His assistant entered and asked Josh if he felt okay, but Josh replied that he'd had a bad "quince" this morning (I couldn't work out if that's the same thing as a quiche, or something else I've never heard of). When his assistant asked if he could get Josh anything for it, Josh said another "quince" would be good. As they all walked to the assembled employees, the filmmaker reminded Josh that his father had started this factory, and asked him how he thought his father would feel about him closing it down ... to which Josh (in a brilliant stroke of genius) replied, "Well, you can ask him," and then turned to his assistant and asked, "Dad, how do you feel about it?" When talking to one of his employees about the tough times he was going to face and how much Josh was sympathetic towards him, he broke into laughing and apologised for not being able to be sincere with him about his bleak prospects. Another employee said he didn't think Josh even knew what they do; Josh further compounded this perception by agreeing that he didn't know what they did, but he pointed to two women in coveralls and hairnets, and asked, "You guys do the Laverne and Shirley re-enactment at the Christmas party, don't you?" In the group scene, he was told via satellite link-up that his was the "greenest" household in Australia, and he got so ridiculously overexcited about it, it was hilarious. He then kissed his "wife" (played by Roz Hammond; the same ensemble cast member he groped twice, last time he appeared on the show). His jubilation turned into jeering, when he snarled into the camera, giving the audience the finger and chanting, "In your face! Ohh, you idiots!" He then took us through the most complicated and hysterical recycling bin system any of us have ever heard; even though it was convoluted, he spoke as if it was the simplest way of doing things that had ever been suggested. Josh is great; he's always great, and he'll always be great. How great Josh art!

The most startling thing about this episode was that it was the first in the history of the show to start WITHOUT any version of the title line. That's right, I listened to it back and forth for about forty minutes (and you KNOW I did), but when Nicola Parry entered the scene and joined Rebel in the "main studio" for the Global Aid broadcast, she only says hello and introduces herself, then they cut to the opening "titles" of the show-within-the-show and continued from there. At no point did anyone say, "Thanks God you're here!", and I think this was because Rebel was meant to be the one to say it. Why else was she left alone on the soundstage for several dead-air seconds with nothing to do and no one to talk to, if not so she could greet the entering Nicola with the opening line? Unsurprisingly, this (simple) point was completely lost on the Wedge actress, who simply said, "Hi".

Oh well, they can't all be geniuses like me.

You can watch Dave’s schoolroom Olympian scene for yourself by visiting the official website.


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