It Has Finished

Let me start by apologising for the ridiculously-long wait for this post. It’s been almost a month since the ninth season of The Amazing Race finished airing in Australia, but with one thing and another (including not having to ‘beat’ the following week’s episode now that it’s over), I allowed this write-up to slip further and further back on my list of blogging priorities. For anyone who’s still interested (and I know there are at least three of you out there because of the feedback I’ve received in the comments and on email), I hope the finale’s events won’t be such distant memories that you have trouble associating what follows with what you recall thinking and feeling yourselves when you saw the show’s conclusion.

I should also point out that if you haven’t seen The Empire Strikes Back, The Crying Game or The Sixth Sense, you may want to be careful about reading this post, as various plot twists to these movies are also spoilt in this post. (No, really.)

And now, without further ado, let us begin.


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... Spoiler Alert! ... Spoiler Alert! ...

If you haven't yet seen (and you intend to see) episode 13 of The Amazing Race Series 9 (TAR 9), do not read any further!


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The last TAR 9 episode we saw here in Australia ended with the DWC, or Dating WASP Couple (AKA Joseph & Monica; “Team MoJo”), being the eighth team to be eliminated. The pit stop was located at The Marble Temple in Bangkok, Thailand.

There was another pit stop in the middle of this double episode, which was located on board ‘The Big Swan’, a touristy boat in the middle of Lake Yamanaka near the base of Mt Fuji in Japan. The finishing line was right back where they’d started the race a month earlier; in fact, on the same grounds from which they’d departed … at some kind of stadium or other (I didn’t catch exactly where it was) in Denver, Colorado, in the ‘good old U.S. of A.’

For the record, this was the order in which the teams reached Phil on the mat last episode, and the order in which they started this leg of the race:

1. FHG – Freaky Hippy Guys [“The Hippies”] (BJ & Tyler)
2. BFG – Buff Frat Guys [“The Frats”] (Eric & Jeremy)
3. TBC – Token Black Couple [“No Alternate Nickname”] (Ray & Yolanda)

The interesting thing about this double-episode season finale, then, was that neither at the mid-way point (a pit stop I didn’t realise last week was expected) nor at the finish line right at the end, did the above order officially change.

In a shocking break with tradition, I’m going to provide my thoughts on each team in the episode by listing them in reverse order of how they arrived at the finish line (hence the 'Spoiler Alert!').


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3. Token Black Couple (TBC) – To start with, Ray and Yolanda amused me by singing their ‘Frat Girls’ song early in this double episode. And then they lost me pretty soon after that by being so hopeless at navigating their way through the streets of Tokyo. Don’t get me wrong; I would have been equally terrible at this, but in a race for a million dollars, nothing would stop me from asking directions of everyone I saw. When they reached the ‘maidens’ task, I was amused to discover they didn’t know what a ‘maiden’ was. And after completing the task, I’m not sure that it’s terribly polite manners to tell your ‘fair maiden’ that she’s much heavier than she looks! The most forehead-slapping moment of the finale went to the TBC when they lost their toll ticket for the highway they were traveling on. It must have been in the car somewhere! What’s the bet it was in Ray’s pocket. The comment from the toll booth operator was a classic: “Unbelievable!” After they’d sorted out the problem and the toll booth operator patted Ray on the behind by way of dismissing him, he seemed surprisingly freaked out. He’s black; has he never played basketball?? By the time they finally reached the amusement park, their arguing was making them fall apart once again, although a brief moment of confusion made them smile:

Yolanda: “Did he say right or left?”
Ray: “He said right, but he pointed left.”
Yolanda: [Beat] “Let’s ask someone else.”

Not surprisingly, the TBC was the last team to arrive at the pit stop that was cunningly hidden in the middle of the finale, but of course were not eliminated. They lost all their money for the final leg, however, which forced them to beg for money early the following morning. They chose to enter a Denny’s restaurant, and through an apparent likeness (at least to the Japanese businessmen eating breakfast there) to Janet Jackson on Yolanda’s behalf, the pair was able to collect a fair bit of cash. At Tokyo Airport, Ray specifically asked a check-in operator what their (her company’s) earliest flight to Anchorage was. So when they discovered (too late) that there was a flight with another airline that they could have caught and Ray angrily complained that they’d asked but hadn’t been told about their options, I agreed with the airline staff. Actually, I think they may have caved and let them on the flight, now that I think about it. My notes don’t say either way, and that episode featured two separate airports. Speaking of which, there were basically two ‘airport equalisers’ in each leg of this double episode. In the first half, there were the elephants and the eloquently-named ‘Time Capsule Hotel’. In the second half, there were the two airports; Tokyo and Anchorage. But back to my point: Ray didn’t ask about other airlines or connecting flights, so he should only have been angry with himself. Once in Alaska, Ray and Yolanda had to stop for directions again. But like I said, it’s better to be doing this than to speed off in the wrong direction entirely. (And at Ray doesn’t suffer from Dave’s Disease ™ from the NDC.) Once they reached the frozen lake, it was pretty obvious that the TBC were going to come in third place. They were pretty-much in third place for the entire double leg, but good on them for their (mostly) positive attitude. Ray’s second best line was delivered in this episode*, when he said: “I always bet on black.” On this occasion it didn’t work out for him. He should have bet on red (a red-headed hippy and his goon buddy, that is).

* His very best line was in the first episode, when introducing himself to crazy hot-head Lake from the BSC -- read the comments from my first post for the details of this exchange.

2. Buff Frat Guys (BFG) – it was always going to be a tough race between the BFG and the FHG, and this double episode was certainly a nail-biter for fans or haters of either team. It was never a sealed-deal by any stretch of the imagination, and it came right down to the wire with the final challenge. But true to the ‘unknown’ nature of the game and the element of ‘chance’, the ever-successful BFG were unable to pull through in the very last task. Which made me a very happy camper indeed! Although getting a better flight to Tokyo from Thailand at the start of the leg, Eric and Jeremy still made some silly choices that helped the FHG catch up to them by nightfall. I must say, though, that the ‘Hachiko’ they were supposed to find after reading the clue in the neon lights on the street corner was not the man with the clue envelope, but the statue of the dog he was sitting behind! (Not that it really mattered.) When faced with delivering parcels on bike across the city or carrying maidens to a bungalow, surprise-surprise, they chose the maidens. Their comments that they ‘hope they get a hot one’ and ‘this is a naughty fantasy come true’ were – again – probably a little tasteless, given the sanctity of the maidens they were discussing, but hey – they’re Frat Boys. One of Jeremy’s funnier lines of this episode was when he dubbed the hotel they slept in as the Time Capsule Hotel. Given the quirky sleeping arrangements, it seemed like an appropriate moniker. It was a very ‘sci-fi’ comment for a ‘jock’ to make. He also said, “I hope I don’t wake up and it’s 1972”, which was less brilliant, because that would make it a Time Travelling Hotel (as a time capsule goes forward in time, so to go back in time you’d need some kind of scientific and sub-spatial anomaly or black hole or flash of lightning or flying DeLorean or something like that … as we all know only too well). The following morning, Jeremy continued the team’s list of racially insensitive comments by stating that he’d found that in order to be understood by the Japanese, he had to talk really fast (because the Japanese speak comparatively quickly, you see – how droll). It was interesting to note how easily he fell for Tyler’s rather obvious (I thought) attempt to mislead him on the rollercoaster task. Of course he’s going to try to trick you, you meathead! Once they both saw the regrettably-obvious clue on the third and final ride, however, he was clearly embarrassed that he’d been so easily tricked (rather than legitimately feel any anger with the FHG for trying to deceive him). At least, I hope for Jeremy’s sake that that’s what it really was; otherwise he’s a hypocrite of the highest order. As these two teams raced to the pit stop on ‘The Big Swan’, Jeremy again amused me greatly with another funny comment. (For someone with so many despicable qualities, he still manages to make me laugh quite frequently … does this say more about his multi-faceted personality or my open-mindedness / weakness to commit to a single opinion of the man, do you think? Discuss.) He said, “Don’t tell anybody, but I was on the swan boat club in high school. I was actually the captain.” The race to the silly-looking swan boat was great (more of that in the FHG’s blurb), but I went right off Jeremy again when he started whinging and complaining to Phil about Tyler. The Hippies are playing dirty now? You’re not very happy with the Hippies? Oh, grow up! You’ve been bad-mouthing and back-stabbing everyone from the very beginning of the race! Remember your derogatory and sexist comments about Monica before you even knew her name? What about canceling the TBC’s and FHG’s taxis? Don’t try to bleat about a simple mislead showing their ‘true colours’, you wimp. Come back to me when you’re ready to grow a spine and take back a small dose of what you’re always dishing out in large quantities. Puh-lease. Ahem. Anyway, on to the final leg: The guys amused me with their ‘kung-fu’ speak in the car as they drove from ‘The Big Swan’ early the following morning, but despite claiming that the FHG were going the wrong way, it was actually them who were taking the longer route to the hotel. Thankfully, they stayed in the dark about this (and a few associated advantages the FHG also held over them at this point in the race) until after the race was over. I would have loved to be there to see the looks on their faces when they were told what actually happened, though! It was great to see the Hippies and Frat Boys trying to trick and hide from each other as they each arrived at the airport. It didn’t really matter in the long run (as they ended up on the same flight into Anchorage), but their attempts to lose and bamboozle the other team were the stuff of great comedy. Comments frequently heard throughout the series were repeated ad nauseum in this episode, such as: “Damn you, Frat Boys!” and “I hate those Hippies!” The first was more comical while the second was more sinister and spiteful. But it reflected the people saying them, I guess. It came right down to the final task with the flags. The Frat Boys were leading the whole way, but when the Hippies showed up, it was anyone’s race once again. Although both teams stuffed up their first attempt at placing the flags in the order of the countries they’d visited throughout the race, it wasn’t a surprise to see Eric make a bigger mess of his second attempt while BJ worked it out with relative ease. I think the most heartbreaking spot to come in TAR is second. If you’re the first team to be eliminated, it’s humiliating; sure. But you’re soon forgotten and the shame is limited. Coming third isn’t so bad because you’re not ‘the biggest loser’ and clearly weren’t close enough anyway. All positions in between are fair game. But second place shows that you were so close that it’s an especially bitter pill to swallow that another team beat you. And it’s even more delightful when that other team is the runner-up-team’s ‘mortal enemy’ (just like when smarmy and arrogant Survivor team Rob and Amber came second to Echenna and Joyce a couple of seasons ago!). So the little devil who sits on my left shoulder was absolutely thrilled to see Eric and Jeremy lose to BJ and Tyler … and to watch them grimace as they had to accept a big ol’ plateful of humble pie into the bargain. But their story wasn’t over yet. In a true movie-moment for me (akin to finding out that Darth Vadar is actually Luke Skywalker’s father at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, or that the girl was really a guy in The Crying Game, or that Bruce Willis’s character was dead all along in The Sixth Sense, or that Barf’s full name is actually ‘Barfolomew’ in Spaceballs), we discovered that the ‘Frat Boys’ were never frat boys at all! They were college drop-outs! It was a suitable moment of further shame for the lads, and the theme of ‘deception’ was not lost on me. :)

1. Freaky Hippy Guys (FHG) – first of all, I must agree with Dxxxx’s comment here about how deliriously happy she is (and I am, and we are, etc) that these guys came in first place to take out the million-dollar prize. For although I could have ‘handled’ the DEC, the TBC or the NDC winning the money if things had gone differently for the FHG, I certainly didn’t want teams such as the BFG, the DWC or the BSC to win. (For an explanation as to those acronyms, you may want to start reading these reviews from the first episode of series nine, located here.) BJ and Tyler definitely deserved to win the race, and not just based on their personalities. They also earned it the hard way, fighting back from non-eliminated last place on two separate occasions and playing a very competitive game, often arriving at the pit stop towards the top of the field. It was a nail-biting two hours, particularly right at the end when the flag-placing that BJ was doing was slightly wrong (but as I said above, so was Eric’s consecutive attempt), and we were never sure which of them was going to correct their error before the other. Thankfully the Hippies knew what they were doing more than the Frats did, and this meant that everybody’s favourite team** was the first to make it to the finish line and collect the prize money. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. This was a two-hour episode, and it turned out that it was also two legs. The pit stop in the middle there was one that I wasn’t expecting, so there was twice the anxiety, twice the adrenaline rush, and twice the possibility for failure as was first anticipated. When the teams arrived in Japan, BJ and Tyler truly shone. Their brilliance at the bicycle delivery task was outstanding, and helped make up lost time on the later flight they’d been forced to catch out of Thailand. Did anybody else notice the hilarious ‘rocked-up’ version of “Turning Japanese” which was playing underneath their speedy dashes to and fro throughout the city on their bikes? It was also played later for the BFG, but was mainly used for the FHG. I was highly amused (although if you know what this song is actually about, it doesn’t really fit). On the surface of it, however, it was a suitable if predictable song to feature at this point of the race. The FHG managed to beat the TBC to the ‘Time Capsule Hotel’, and catch up to the BFG once again. In my opinion Tyler did well to try and trick Jeremy on the roller coaster detour into thinking that he’d missed the clue (the attempt itself wasn’t very convincing – even though Jeremy fell for it hook, line and sinker – I mean the idea to trick him was brilliant), but unfortunately for Tyler, Jeremy was able to spot the clue on the last ride anyway (they all did; I think it was probably too easy to spot). BJ and Tyler’s last-minute panicked dash to the paddle boats and then their frenzied peddling across the water to ‘The Big Swan’ against the BFG was a tense moment indeed, and I’m glad they arrived first. Jeremy’s whinge about Tyler’s ill-fated mislead on the roller coaster when talking to Phil on ‘The Big Swan’ was just ridiculous. As was ‘The Big Swan’. But that’s enough culture-bashing from me. What the Hippies did was no worse than anything the Frat Boys had done throughout the entire race, and I don’t think anybody else would argue otherwise (although if you would, I’d be very interested to hear why). In the second leg of the finale, the FHG did very well in not boasting to the BFG that in fact they’d arrived at the hotel a long time before the BFG, and by asking the hotel desk clerk to pretend he doesn’t speak English, they actually got him to lie to the BFG for them! That was a brilliant move and helped the boys book their next flight without the BFG getting the same edge (although thanks to the airport equaliser, it turned out not to matter in the long run). The two teams were neck-and-neck all the way through to the frozen lake challenge, where their obvious muscle disadvantage to the BFG caused them to fall slightly behind. And then there was the Snow Shoe Disaster ™. Wifey and I were both sitting there, watching them walk straight past the snow shoes time and again, yelling “NOOOOOOOOO!!!” at the television. (C’mon; show of hands – who else did the same thing?) I couldn’t believe that after all this time they were falling further and further behind the Frats right at the end of the race by ‘doing a Franberry’ (ie. walking straight past something without seeing it). Thankfully their confusion didn’t last too long (although they also got lost on their snow hike, so I don’t really know how far behind they actually fell). Either way, they were able to catch up to Eric and Jeremy at the flag task and show the Frats who was boss. As they were arriving at the final task, Tyler said he thought the end was near. “Besides,” he added, “I smell Phil working in the shadows.” Not long after that, they were hearing Phil himself saying those immortal words: “Five continents, nine countries, more than 59,000 miles … BJ and Tyler, you are the official winners of The Amazing Race!” It was as it should be.

** Everybody in our house, anyway!









As with every TAR finale, we were treated to quick glimpses of the eliminated teams as they awaited the finalists at the finish line. It was great to see The Franberries looking so happy for their spiritual brothers BJ and Tyler, and I also took a certain amount of evil glee in Team MoJo having to watch the Hippies win the much-coveted prize money. When making their ‘acceptance speech’, it was fantastic to note that the editors of the show arranged for it to cut to a shot of the ever-bickering Lake and Michelle when Tyler spoke the words, “It’s great couples therapy!” as he spoke about the race. Hilarious! I’m sure that moment wasn’t lost on anyone.


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Last week's tips:

First Team: FHG Correct!
Last Team: TBC Correct!
Yield? No (Obviously.) Correct!
Fast Forward? No (Obviously.) Correct!
Elimination Week? No (Wrong – this surprised me; I thought we’d seen all the non-eliminations, and by leaving one until the very end like that, any team that knew what was going on would have known they weren’t being eliminated. Kind of undermines the whole point of them being ‘unknown quantities’, really. But okay.)
Biggest Argument: TBC Correct!
Smartest Team: FHG Correct!
‘Family Edition’ The Following Week ? Yes (I reckon Channel Seven will want to capitalise on whatever success they’ve had with TAR 9 and continue their ‘Amazing Thursday’ promotion by heading straight into TAR 8. If this is the case, these weekly episode summaries will continue. If not, see ya next year!) (Wrong – this surprised me, too; I don’t know what Channel Seven plans to do about this now. Maybe TAR 9 wasn’t enough of a ‘ratings winner’ to warrant continuing with the less-than-critically-acclaimed TAR 8 – Family Edition after all. I hope this doesn’t mean an Australian airing of TAR 10 is in any jeopardy!)


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My total tips:

39 Correct!
29 Wrong.
2 Uncertain …


Not bad, I guess. (For someone who never leaves the couch.)

Thank you for going on this journey with me. I hope you enjoyed my rather verbose recaps on each episode, and if we ever see another TAR series on AUstralian television again, you can bet 'dollars to doughnuts' I'll be posting about it here. I'd love you to travel around the world with me 'n' Phil on that occasion, too. Until then:

Bon voyage.


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Big Blogger - Open House

Voice Over (Mike): Welcome to Big Blogger 2006 – ‘Open House’. Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience goes crazy.]

Feral: Thanks Mike. Hello everyone! Welcome to the first episode of what promises to be an exciting experiment in online reality TV. This is Big Blogger!

[Audience goes wild.]

Yes, this is the first time we’ve run an entire series online, so please remember to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in.

[Audience goes quiet while it tries to make sense of this simple request. Pause. Audience gives up trying to think and goes absolutely bonkers instead.]

Let’s meet the Housemates!

[The audience’s screams get even louder.]

[Cut to video footage]

TOBYtoby: I’m a pretty clever guy. I know lots of words; some of them have as many as four syllables. Sometimes my friends tell me I’m so smart I could do anything I want. Well, I want to win Big Blogger.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: Please welcome Housemate Number One, TOBYtoby!

[Audience goes so nuts, two teenage girls collapse. No one notices.]

TOBYtoby: [Entering] Hi Feral, hi everyone! [Waves.] You look lovely tonight, Feral.

Feral: Well, aren’t you the charmer! How old are you, TOBYtoby?

TOBYtoby: I’m 31, Feral.

Feral: And what do you do for a living?

TOBYtoby: I work in the Technology industry, and I consider myself a bit of an android.

Feral: An android? What are you, made of metal?

[Audience falls about laughing.]

TOBYtoby: No, I just do technological stuff, you know …

Feral: Fascinating. Well, the House awaits. Off you go. Ladies and gentlemen: TOBYtoby!

[Audience cheers TOBYtoby like he’s a rock legend as he jumps on a golf buggy and is driven off the set.]

Feral: Well, that’s one down; eleven to go. Let’s meet our second Housemate. She’s lean, she’s mean, and she’s very, very keen.

[Cut to video footage]

LittleFaerieGirl: I’ve had a lot of stuff happen to me in my life, and I’m all-the-stronger for it. I know I can take on any of the other punks in the Big Blogger House, so bring it on!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: Whoa! Let’s meet her, it’s Housemate Number Two, LittleFaerieGirl!

[Audience goes ballistic.]

LittleFaerieGirl: [Entering] Hello! [Waves at audience and giggles. To Feral:] Wow, you look gorgeous!

Feral: Thank you! You look lovely, too. Tell us a bit about yourself.

LittleFaerieGirl: Um, I’m single, I have two beautiful boys, and I’m bisexual.

[Audience goes absolutely troppo, like it knows something’s going to happen.]

Feral: You’re bisexual?

LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah – isn’t every girl on some level, Feral?

Feral: Well, I don’t know about that! You think they are?

LittleFaerieGirl: Oh yeah. And I’ll kiss anything that moves.

[Audience cheers as if this is the most admirable quality in the world. LittleFaerieGirl laughs and waves like she’s the Queen of Sheeba.]

Feral: Well you’ll certainly be one to watch on Adults Only. Off you go, into the House.

[Audience cheers LittleFaerieGirl even more than they cheered for TOBYtoby (probably because he wasn’t a hot babe promising bisexual snogging). She waves and giggles again before getting on the golf buggy and being driven off the set.]

Feral: Okay, it’s time to meet our next Housemate.

[Cut to video footage]

Javatari: I’m skilled in all forms of martial arts, and I’m also a highly-skilled magician, so if anyone annoys me too much in the House, I’ll snap their legs in four places and make their hankies disappear before they have a chance to blink. I’m gonna stir up so much trouble you won’t believe it!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: Uh-oh, this could be trouble. Please welcome Housemate Number Three, Javatari!

[Audience goes ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’.]

Javatari: [Entering] Shazam! [Doves fly out of his trouser legs. The audience is impressed, and they clap to prove it, because this is the only currency they know. To Feral:] Your dress sense is to be commended, Ms Killmen.

Feral: Why thank you, Javatari. So you’re into magic, are you?

Javatari: That is correct. However, this is a point that has already been established in my video introduction. I believe you will need to pay more attention to the pre-recorded packages in future if you intend to hold down this job.

[Audience laughs because they think he’s joking. He glares at them and they shut up.]

Feral: So how old are you, Javatari?

Javatari: Age is but a number. It is of no consequence to me.

Feral: It’s a number that’s of consequence to me, though.

Javatari: In that case, I am one score and ten years of age.

Feral: You’re a wild one, aren’t you!

[Audience laughs desperately.]

Javatari: May you taste nothing but newt eyes for the rest of the evening.

Feral: And also to you. Everyone, Javatari’s heading into the House now.

[Audience cheers Javatari; he ignores the golf buggy, and instead swings his cape around in front of him. There is a bang, a puff of smoke, and he is gone. The audience goes mad with heartfelt cheers. Most of the front row is now frothing at the mouth.]

Feral: That’s only three of our twelve Housemates, so let’s see who’s next.

[Cut to video footage]

Steph: I really don’t mind what happens to me in the House, as long as I get to share my time in there with a couple of spunks and a lot of alcohol. I reckon I can win Big Blogger this year, especially if everyone else loses.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: Here she comes, the blonde bombshell. Housemate Number Four, Steph!

[Audience starts w00ting.]

Steph: [Entering] Hey there! [Waves at audience.] Hi Feral, I’m so excited to meet you; you’re like a total idol of mine.

Feral: Really? You’ve got to raise your standards.

[Audience laughs heartily because they know she’s joking.]

Steph: No, I think everything you do is just the best.

Feral: Too true, too true. So tell me, how old are you?

Steph: I’m 24.

Feral: You’re just 24? You sound so wise!

Steph: Thank you, Feral. I got educated really good. Oooh, oooh! Can I say hi to Jobe? I know he’s watching and he really loves me a lot.

Feral: You’re single, though, aren’t you, Steph? You had to be single to get onto Big Blogger this year.

[Pause. Audience starts to suspect something is up. They go ‘ooooooooh’ in that really annoying and corny way audiences have of doing stuff like that.]

Steph: Nah, I’m just kidding with ya, Feral. I’m single alright – Jobe just wishes!

[Audience laughs like they know all about it.]

Feral: Oh good. Well, good luck to you, Steph. If you’d care to jump on the back of that golf buggy, you’ll be taken down to the Big Blogger House straight away.

[Audience cheers as Steph mounts the golf buggy (in a very lady-like way) and is driven off the set.]

Feral: Okay, that’s four, let’s meet number five.

[Cut to video footage]

Clokeeeey: Some people say I can’t take criticism, but they’re just stupid poo-heads. What will I bring to the House? This. [Holds up black-and-white striped beanie.] GO THE PIES! Collingwood’s going to win the Premiership this year! Yay! Woooo!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: I dread to think what he’ll be wearing, but let’s bring him out here: It’s Housemate Number Five, Clokeeeey!

[Audience erupts into boos and jeers, with a few loyal Magpies supporters singing the Collingwood Football Club anthem.]

Clokeeeey: [Entering, completely in black-and-white regalia] GO THE MAGGIES! [Fists in the air.]

Joffa: [From the crowd.] You go, son!

Clokeeeey: Woooo! Hi Feral, woooo! Nice outfit. Shame it’s not black and white.

Feral: It sounds like you’ve got a loyal following already!

[Audience cheers for no apparent reason.]

Clokeeeey: I think it’s ‘cos I’m wearin’ black and white, Feral.

[Audience remembers that they were booing and jeering a moment and go and starts doing so again.]

Feral: I don’t know if it is. Anyway, you’re not going to be going on about Collingwood the whole time you’re in the House, are you?

Clokeeeey: Probably not.

Feral: You realise you can’t watch any games or find out the scores, right?

Clokeeeey: What? For how many weeks?

Feral: All of them.

Clokeeeey: Even the Grand Final?

Feral: Don’t worry, I have a sneaking suspicion you’ll be out of the House well before the Grand Final.

[Audience laughs because they’re in on Feral’s little joke.]

Clokeeeey: [Who isn’t.] That’s a relief.

Feral: Okay then. All the best, Clokeeeey. I hope you enjoy yourself. [She points to the waiting golf buggy.]

[Audience cheers as Clokeeeey jumps excitedly on the back of the golf buggy, his exuberance once more returned, and waves his football scarf in the air as he is driven off the set.]

Feral: Hang in there, we’re just about half-way through now. It won’t be long and we’ll be seeing the Housemates enter the House. But first, we have to meet our sixth Housemate.

[Cut to video footage]

No Dramas: I’m quite lovely, I’m easy-going, I’m a happy kind of person … I think I’m going to get along really well with the other people in the House. As long as they’re nice to me. Otherwise, there’ll be dramas alright!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: Watch out for this one! Let’s meet her – it’s Housemate Number Six, No Dramas!

[Audience applauds so hard their hands bleed.]

No Dramas: [Entering] Hello! [Waves and looks kind of sheepish.] Hi Feral, how are you? You look stunning!

Feral: Thank you! I’m well, I’m well – how are you?

[Audience laughs at Feral’s joke and then stop when they realise she wasn’t making one.]

No Dramas: I’m very nervous. Excited but nervous. I’m definitely excited. But I’m definitely nervous too. I’m more excited than nervous. But I’m pretty nervous.

[Audience laughs non-threateningly.]

Feral: Are you sure?

No Dramas: Um. Yes. [Then whispers:] I’m really nervous.

[Audience laughs again; this time a little more threateningly. She’s losing them.]

Feral: You realise you’re already mic’ed up?

[Audience slaps its collective knee with laughter.]

No Dramas: Am I?

[Audience tries to catch its collective breath as its wipes a collective tear from its collective eye from all the crazy laughter.]

Feral: Tell us a bit about yourself, No Dramas.

No Dramas: Well, there’s not much to say. I haven’t got an ‘About Me’ page on my blog, so you pretty-much have to glean what you can from my actual posts.

Feral: I see, sounds like you’re not exactly an open book.

No Dramas: Oh, I’m certainly not a closed book. I’m just a regular book.

[Audience is stunned by this confession. It can only deal with literal statements.]

Feral: [Picking up on the dwindling vibe.] Let’s hear it for No Dramas!

[Immediately, the audience is once again a cheering, yelping mass of flailing limbs and grinning faces, their earlier confusion completely forgotten. No Dramas realises she has nothing to worry about if this is the voting public. She climbs on to a golf buggy and waves politely as she is driven off stage.]

Feral: There she goes … and now it’s time to meet our seventh contestant.

[Cut to video footage]

Tyson: Sometimes I wonder where I get all the time to perform in plays and write stuff and work on websites … and then I remember that I’m an Arts student. I’m actually quite an experienced actor, so I reckon it’s gonna be a cinch to win Big Blogger. Just let me at ‘em!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: [Laughing with the audience, possibly over something that happened in the studio while we were watching the video] Would you please welcome Housemate Number Seven, Tyson!

[Audience applauds with so much enthusiasm that someone loses an eye.]

Tyson: [Entering] G’day people. G’day Feral. You look sexy in that outfit!

Feral: Hello Tyson, thank you. I hear in my earpiece … Big Blogger is telling me … he’s saying that you’re currently acting in a stage show. Did you let them know you were entering the Big Blogger House tonight?

Tyson: Well, your producers told me I couldn’t tell anyone.

Feral: That’s right, but they’ll need to know why you don’t turn up to the show tomorrow night, surely?

Tyson: I reckon they’ll have worked it out by then, Feral. I’m meant to be in the opening scene for tonight’s performance, too. [Checks his watch.] They’re due to be going on stage right about now, actually.

Feral: Wow, you’re not worried about what they’re doing in your absence?

Tyson: Not really. They’re all a bunch of tossers anyway.

[Audience laughs long and hard – it’s funny because it’s true.]

Feral: Well, I wish you all the luck in the world. Both inside the House, and between you and your theatre company when you eventually get out again.

Tyson: Thanks Feral. Can I have a hug? I really admire your work.

Feral: Uh, sure. [Awkward hug ensues.] That’ll do, Tyson. [He reluctantly breaks the hug.] Off you go; into the House. That’s Tyson, ladies and gentlemen.

[Audience cheers as Tyson gets on the nearby golf buggy and is driven off the stage.]

Feral: Okay, next up is another actor. You may recognise her from her work on the recent Red Cross TV commercial.

[Cut to video footage]

Magical_M: If you were to come up to me on the street, you’d probably think I’m pretty hot. But that’s definitely ‘hottt’ with a triple ‘T’. There’s no way I’m not going to win Big Blogger. I can be bitchy when I want to be, but I’m also really intelligent and will know just how to ‘play’ the other Housemates.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: Here she is – Housemate Number Eight, Magical_M!

[Audience hoots and guffaws as Magical_M walks on stage and waves at them.]

Magical_M: Hi! Hello Feral, phoarr, you’re looking great tonight!

Feral: Thank you, I know. Are you feeling confident about going into the Big Blogger House?

Magical_M: Oh yeah, it’s gonna be heaps fun!

Feral: Why do you say that? Aren’t you worried about being evicted?

Magical_M: No way. The audience is going to love me!

[Audience loses control of itself in an effort to show that it loves her.]

Feral: They certainly do seem to love you. Tell me, how old are you?

Magical_M: A woman’s age is her business.

Feral: So how long have you been in business?

Magical_M: Just on 35 years now. It was my birthday last week!

[Audience doubles its efforts to prove to their new best friend how happy this news makes them.]

Feral: Congratulations! What a great birthday present. Being sent into the Big Blogger House, where you could end up winning the major prize!

Magical_M: I know, it’s so exciting.

Feral: Well, I’ll let you go. I wish you the best of luck, okay?

Magical_M: Okay, thanks Feral. Bye everyone!

[The audience cheers so loudly as Magical_M departs the stage by golf buggy that a fire breaks out towards the back. It is quickly extinguished by throwing small children onto the flames.]

Feral: There aren’t too many left, now. Let’s meet our ninth contestant.

[Cut to video footage]

John Surname: Have you ever watched a group of people and wondered which one likes to cook and clean and tidy up after everyone else? Well, that guy is me. Other peoples’ mess really drives me insane. I hope I’m not put in the House with a bunch of pigs.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: I think someone’s in for a rude shock, and it’s Housemate Number Nine, John Surname!

[Audience ‘cuts sick’, as the kids say these days.]

John Surname: [Entering, addressing audience over their screams] Hi! Hello. Hi. [To Feral:] How are ya? You look fabulous!

Feral: Thanks! I’m very good, thanks. Now tell me, John Surname, what do you do for a living?

John Surname: I’m a fashion designer.

Feral: [Incredulous] Really?!

John Surname: That’s what it says on my profile page, … although I think I may be joking.

Feral: Maybe not; you look like you could be a fashion designer.

[Camera shot widens to show that John Surname is wearing pink taffeta with silver sequins. Audience rolls around on the floor laughing, holding their sides for fear that they will split.]

John Surname: What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?

Feral: Nothing at all. If you’re me. Now, listen: Do you think you can win Big Blogger?

John Surname: I reckon anything’s possible in this game, Feral. The readers are the ones who ultimately decide the winner, and I reckon they’re a pretty impressive bunch.

[Audience falls into fits of rapturous applause by way of agreement.]

Feral: You’ve certainly won a legion of fans with that statement.

John Surname: That was the plan, Feral. That was the plan.

Feral: Okay, John Surname, this is your moment. It’s time to go into the House. Give him a hand as he makes his way off stage.

[Audience goes bananas (even though they cost so much these days) as John Surname climbs on board the waiting golf buggy and is driven off the stage.]

Feral: We’re down to our final three Housemates now, so let’s meet number ten.

[Cut to video footage]

MelbourneGirl: I’m not going to mother anybody. There’s no <BEEP>ing way I’m going to <BEEP>ing mother anybody. I’m here to <BEEP>ing win this game, not to <BEEP>ing <BEEP> the <BEEP> <BEEP> <BEEEEEEEEEEP>s who just <BEEP> the <BEEP> <BEEP>.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: Goodness me! She certainly speaks her mind! Let’s get her out here. Housemate Number Ten, MelbourneGirl!

[Audience goes into convulsions.]

MelbourneGirl: [Entering] Hi Feral, Boy, you look <BEEP>ing amazing!

Feral: Thank you, MG. May I call you MG?

MelbourneGirl: Sure. Why the <BEEP> not.

Feral: You realise this is a family show, right?

MelbourneGirl: <BEEP>.

Feral: Good. Well, we may have to leave it there. Give her a hand, folks!

[Audience drops acid and cheers MelbourneGirl as her golf buggy drives her off the stage.]

Feral: This is getting really interesting. Let’s see who’s next.

[Cut to video footage]

Gav: My name is Gav. That’s all I know for sure. Am I looking for love in the Big Blogger House? Sure. If there’s anyone in there I find attractive, I’m certainly up for having a crack. Who knows where it might lead?

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

[Audience is doing that annoying ‘ahhhhhh’ thing.]

Feral: Let’s get to know him better, Housemate Number Eleven, Gav!

[Audience high-fives itself with excitement.]

Gav: [Entering] Hello everyone! Wow, Feral – you look really sexy!

Feral: Calm down, loverboy – I’m not open for inspection.

[The audience just loves Feral’s wit.]

Feral: So you’re hoping to find love in the House?

Gav: Absolutely. If it’s there to be found, why not?

Feral: That’s really sweet. I think you’re gonna be eaten up, one way or another.

Gav: I just have to hope for the best, Feral.

Feral: Don’t we all.

[As one, the audience yells, “You tell it, sister!”]

Feral: I won’t hold you up any further, then. Hop on that golf buggy and your journey will begin.

[Audience members cry out in anguish as their newly-beloved Gav is ripped asunder from their bosom … as Gav is driven off the stage.]

Feral: Last one! Let’s meet her!

[Cut to video footage]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I’m so excited to be going into the House – this has been a massive experience for me already, and I look forward to learning heaps more about myself as the game goes on.

[Cut back to Feral on the stage]

Feral: Okay, it’s our final Housemate for 2006 … Housemate Number Twelve, Audrey & The Bad Apples!

[Audience does something. I missed what it was, exactly.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Entering] Hey there! Oh my goodness, Feral. You look beautiful.

Feral: Thanks, Audrey & The Bad Apples. Now, you’re a last-minute replacement Housemate, aren’t you.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, I only found out I was going in, two days ago.

Feral: That’s right. We had another Housemate, Gina, all lined up, but she got glandular fever and ran away crying like a baby. But it’s good news for you!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, I’m really grateful for the opportunity.

Feral: What do you hope to get out of your Big Blogger experience?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Well, ideally, I’d love to get an acting job on Neighbours.

Feral: Really? Are you a big Neighbours fan?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Nah, I’ve never even seen an episode, but it sounds like fun.

Feral: Fair enough. Well, into the House with you.

[All audience members wet their pants because they’re too busy cheering Audrey & The Bad Apples to notice. Audrey & The Bad Apples’ golf buggy takes her off stage.]

Feral: Well, there they all are. And now, as Audrey & The Bad Apples is driven to the door of the Big Blogger House, let’s take a look inside to see what’s going on.

[Audience cheers at their first glimpse of the 2006 House, complete with spa, sauna, gym and punishment room. Javatari walks in from the bedroom, where he has been giving himself his own tour since arriving in the House in a puff of smoke earlier. The Diary Room’s doors open and all Housemates (other than Gav and Audrey & The Bad Apples) enter. There is much ‘oooh’ing and ‘ahhh’ing as they walk around and see everything, introducing themselves to each other as they go. We spend a few minutes watching their awkward introductions, during which time Gav and finally Audrey & The Bad Apples arrive.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The fridge in the kitchen is now open.

Steph: Oooh, I hope there’s a lot of alcohol in there!

[There is. The Housemates begin to serve each other beer, champagne and other drinks as they gradually get to know each other. Javatari is telling MelbourneGirl and No Dramas that he is a magician. Clokeeeey is asking everyone who their favourite football team is. Tyson says Carlton, but laughs at Clokeeeey’s reaction. It appears that he is only kidding. TOBYtoby and Audrey & The Bad Apples immediately start to discuss ‘heavy’ topics like politics and life after death. Magical_M and John Surname are laughing about Feral’s outfit. The camera lingers on Gav, checking Steph out when she isn’t looking.]

[Cut back to Feral in the studio.]

Feral: Well, doesn’t that look interesting! Now; I can tell you that Big Blogger 2006 is chock-full of twists and surprises for you all. The first of which is the prize money: A massive TWO million dollars! The Housemates all think it's just plain ol' boring one million dollars. So don’t miss a minute of the exciting action! If you didn't already know, each episode of Big Blogger will appear under the 'Big Blogger' index in the right-hand sidebar of this blog; you can check for updates there. In the meantime, I’ve been Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where the Open House has closed its doors. Good night!

[Audience attacks the stage in a mad fury for being denied a piece of Feral’s flesh.]

Voice Over (Mike): Tune I next week to see how well the Housemates settled into the House during their first week. Witness the ups, the downs! The fights, the kisses! The first Big Blogger secrets revealed! The first Friday Night Games! And the first Housemates evicted. I’m Mike Goldentonsils … Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


* * *

Well, It's About Time!

When the writers of Neighbours split up the ever-lovable couple Karl* and Susan Kennedy a few years ago, they broke our hearts. When they decided to have them argue over anything and everything during their divorce, they distressed us even further. And then when they each had their respective relationships with Izzy and Jenny, and Tom and Alex, they taunted us with the ever-more-distant hope that they may work things out and get back together.



Susan and Karl in happier times

More recently, the writers have been teasing us with little snippets of Karl longing for Susan when she's not available, and then Susan longing for Karl when he's not available. It's been torture!

But when they started to bond the other week over Cassie's death**, things took a decidedly-apparent turn for the better. Or so it seemed.

Karl was still with Jenny, but now Susan has been finding that her feelings for her ex-husband have been growing stronger by the minute. And with Lyn, Rachel, Katya (even Katya!) and Zeke supporting her feelings (in Zeke's case, 'sort of' supporting her feelings), we may yet see them get back together. Susan's illogical anger with Karl of late has been another clear indication that she's fighting her feelings for him.

And then on Friday, we finally witnessed the kiss we've been waiting to see for about four years. After they both rescued a lamb from a snake on Karl's father's farm, Susan took Karl's chin in her hand, leaned in and kissed him. After a moment of "will I or won't I?", he returned the kiss and as one spritely nine-year-old*** has observed, "they got up on their KNEES" and kissed passionately.

Naturally, Susan will be keeping the lamb, and from what Karl said before they starting licking each other's tonsils (Karl and Susan, that is -- not Karl and the lamb!), it looked like they were going to call it Cassie II.**** How fitting it is that such a moment would be the beginning of the beginning for Karl & Susan II.

Over the weekend, I was contemplating many possibilities from this point in the story. Will it just be the beginning of the end? How would Jenny take the news that Karl & Susan are back together (if indeed they are)? And how will it affect her 'engagement' facade? In fact, will it be outed by the press before Karl tells Jenny the truth? (That'd certainly be more dramatic than him simply telling her honestly!) And what about Zeke? His reluctance was evident on Friday about Susan going off to help Karl with his dad rather than celebrate the late Alex's birthday with the kids. I'm not terribly convinced that Zeke is A-OK with it all. He could always cause trouble for them both by being a spoilt little prat about things.

And hey, while we're throwing theories around, what about Susan herself? Who's to say she won't get cold feet about the reunion and call it off before it has a chance to start? (Probably after Karl's ended it with Jenny, if I know my soapies.) After all, he's cheated on Susan twice before (and then famously "fallen out of love" with her), and now he's cheated on Jenny with Susan!

Then again, Karl might be the one to call it off, if he gets an attack of the guilts about Jenny.

About the only suggestion I didn't contemplate over the weekend was that those crazy kids would just happen to find a way to make it work between them this time. And this is exactly what happened last night.

Uber-conveniently, Jenny arrives to break things off with Karl, because she has "the hots" for a colleague. More than that, when saying this to Karl (thinking she's breaking his heart), she uses the words, "I'm in lust - oh boy, am I in lust!" or something similar. Who amongst us would be quite so heartless and lacking in tact when telling someone their relationship was through? Anyway, not only does he take the news well, but he does the honest, responsible thing and fess-up about kissing Susan earlier that day. Jenny immediately laughs. No anger, no hurt, no rejection ... not even an "I told you so". It all seems so surreal I was half-expecting it to be a dream (particularly since we'd seen Susan daydream during Stingray's film and Karl had imagined Susan was at his apartment when it was actually Jenny).

And if Jenny arrived to break off their relationship, why did she start off by being all flirty with him? (By covering his eyes with her hands, I mean.) What about her precious political image and their fake engagement? How's that all going to play out for her? It doesn't seem like much thought has been put into that side of the story, ripping any semblance of realism out of the picture. I was getting the feeling that the whole Karl-Susan storyline was being rushed through to be a 'completed transaction' and all nicely resolved by a particular date. And maybe that's exactly what it was.

At any rate, last night's episode ended with Jenny leaving Karl's life for good (she asked him to keep in contact "more than just a Christmas card" and he agreed wholeheartedly, but I imagine that's the last we'll ever see of her ... unless they want to utilise a politician character on the show again and she proves to be the easy option, I guess), but she didn't leave before she had the chance to assure Susan that she and Karl had split amicably -- and that she, Susan, should take the plunge and get back together with Karl. There's nothing like the departing ex's permission to fuel a passionate fire, eh? So while Karl looked longingly across the room at Susan (almost painfully or even distressingly), she blurted out those words we've been dying to hear her tell him for so long: "I love you!"

So what happens now? Karl moves back into the street (officially), perhaps they even re-marry, Karl takes on a proper 'stepfather' role to the kids, and things get back to how they were when viewers were happy with the whole thing?

If so, that part at least is fantastic!

It's been a long time coming, and oc course everything is not completely sewn up yet. But things are looking good for a bright, happy future for the Kennedys.

If they get re-married, I wonder if Billy will drop his clinical duties with Dr House to fly home for the ceremony. He could bring Dr Cameron with him so she could meet the in-laws. And -- why not? -- that black guy as well. It's about time Ramsay Street had a black guy.



* Note: It's not 'Carl'. He was named after Karl Marx.

** 'Cassie', of course, being their pet sheep. Because it's short for 'Casserole'. Ha.

*** Or is she ten now, MG?

**** Spoil-sport Zeke derailed that particular train of thought when he dubbed the lamb 'Chop' instead.


-----


CONNOR UPDATE:

Total number of 'Connor' references since my last 'Connor Update': Zero.

Patrick Harvey's smiling dial was finally removed from the opening credits on Monday, 19th June.

Likely outcome: Connor will either be discovered dead, return to Ramsay Street on his own steam, or be tracked down by Toadie, et al (whether he be dead or alive), well and truly after the Robert/Cameron scenario has been played out in full. The two events won't even be pieced together as being related to each other (unless, as stated previously, Carmella returns to highlight that the last thing she said to Connor on the phone was informing him of the comatose Robinson twin). By that stage, Dee will also have returned. You read it here first!


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Hairdresser Cut At Being Cut

I don't know what it is about Rob ... he was actually starting to grow on me. Although I never would have picked him as someone I'd warm to (and no I'm not being homophobic, his personality just wasn't the sort I thought would appeal to me), the more I watched of him, the more I enjoyed him being in the House.




Initially his eyebrows and hairstyle freaked me out a bit, but once that moment had passed, I saw that he was a delightful chap. His bitching was entertaining for the most part, and I would definitely have preferred Mr Fall-From-Grace (Jamie) to be evicted this week in Rob's place.

But that was not to be. Rob's behaviour with Camilla and Dave was especially heartwarming, and the majority of the clips shown during his Eviction show made me smile. He seems like a really great guy who takes things well (despite the title of this post, which was written that way purely for the lame pun, obviously).

The other eviction was the far less notable one for Lauren.




Yeah, whatever.


.

Big Blogger - Applications Open Now

I have a new idea for a series of posts, centred around various bloggers known to me and how they'd cope in the BB House. BB himself is, of course, a complete imbecile, so he constantly finds himself being proven wrong by various bloggers/contestants/Housemates who are invariably smarter than himself. Such as you.

Want to apply? I'll take up to 12 bloggers who must open themselves up to 'my' BB's bidding. I will follow the real House's schedule for evictions and twists as if it were applying to my online version as well.

By 'applying' to be in the House you are allowing me to control your personalities for the duration of the series (but only on my blog, don't worry!). You must be ready to accept that two of you will be 'evicted' this Sunday, but I'll have some fun with you all first. The sooner you leave your name in the comments to apply, the sooner I can involve you in the posts. It'll be fun!

So who's in?



UPDATE:

We're halfway there (I've already heard from six voluntary applicants out of a total of twelve required Housemates), and the beautiful thing is that so far it's 50% guys and 50% girls. Not that you need to worry about that if you're one of the last people to apply and the gender balance is no longer quite so 'neat', but I just noticed and I like it. Hopefully six more bloggers will leave their names here in the next few days and I can get started!




UPDATE ON THE UPDATE:

Applications are now closed!


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Do You Hear That Ticking?

Yep, there are less than 24 hours left before the Australian season 5 premiere of 24.

I love it.

The show is, quite simply, brilliant. Not necessarily original in every single plot development they take us on, but addictive and adrenaline-pumping all the way. I know that Northern American viewers are ages ahead of us (I believe this season started late last year or early this year for them), but it looks like we're set to catch up quickly.

Tonight we see two episodes, and tomorrow night we see another two. Then next Wednesday we see the fifth episode, and next Thursday the sixth. If that pace continues, it'll be a series that we see in its entirity in only ten weeks. How rockin' would that be!

I'm not suggesting that that will be how quickly we speed through the entire season, but it's a nice dream. Once you're into a heart-stopping show like 24, a week's wait between episodes can drive you mad.

Please, US readers (and others who've seen season 5 already), ... no spoilers here, thank you.

So what are the details? Channel Seven, 9:30pm tonight, the two-hour season premiere, continuing 9:30pm tomorrow night. If you've never seen it, give it a go. Even if you haven't seen seasons 1 to 4, you'll enjoy picking it up at the beginning of the season (if the previous four are anything to go by). Miss tonight's double episode, and it just won't be as easy for you to get into it. (And you owe it to yourself to give it a try.)

If you're already a 24 convert, you'll be well-aware of tonight's exciting viewing.

I don't think I'll be posting regular reviews about the show here, because it's not the kind of show you can do that with, but it's one of my all-time favourites, so I couldn't let the long-awaited moment pass by without saying something.

The clock's ticking!

A Record Six Intruders

Okay, so we all possibly know by now (those of us who care, anyway) that Australian Big Brother is about to send in three new Intruders tomorrow night.

That makes a total of six for the season, which I believe is an Aussie BB first.

"Oooh! Another first!"

So let's meet them:




Lauren, 22, (NSW) Make-up artist.
Big Brother says: "Lauren describes herself as an unpredictable, manipulative and controlling hot chick."




Darren, 19, (QLD) Student.
Big Brother says: "Darren is good looking, wilful and angry. I think he'll go on a very interesting journey in the House."




Perry, 39, (NSW) Real estate agent.
Big Brother says: "You simply cannot help but notice Perry. She is loud, warm, abrasive, mothering and interesting."




Oh, goodie.

Did anyone else notice the dangerous one, there? That's right, Lauren. She's a make-up artist! That's just what we need to completely divert the remaining 5% of Krystal's attention that isn't already focussed on the mirror to start experimenting together with blushes and eyeshadows and mascaras and lipsticks. What captivating television that will be.

Also, Perry looks like she's going to be annoying-most-foul and Darren comes across in his video introduction package (that much that we've been able to see so far, anyway) as a bit of a tool. Actually, so does Lauren.

But the point is, they're being sent in there to stir up trouble. And I rather think they will.

Good luck to them.

Interestingly, TV Week features a mini-bio on each of the three Intruders this week, but Darren isn't amongst them. Instead, the pictures are of three female Intruders, and the third who's missing above is the ever-elusive Gina, the absent sixteenth Housemate from the first episode of the season. She was kept out of the House due to suffering from a bout of glandular fever (for those of you not in the know), and according to the erroneous TV Week article, she has since recovered from the illness and is "raring to go"!






One wonders if perhaps Gina doth spoke too soon? It would appear that she's been cut from the line-up -- again -- and maybe this is because she hadn't totally recovered at all. You can even tell that Darren's photo above was clearly taken at a different time to those of Lauren and Perry. He must have had a super-speedy crash course in getting primed and ready for his Intruder status! Filming all those videos and having all those photos taken, etc.

We haven't been told this yet officially by Gretel, but apparently this Sunday night is another double eviction. I'd say this is so the House can shed one of the new Intruders almost straight away, like in the usual fashion. This didn't happen when Jade, Rob and Danielle went in to the House earlier on, which may or may not have made it obvious that there were perhaps more Intruders to come.

Spare a thought for poor old Gina. What a loser.


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Get OUT, Stupid-Head!

I'm so happy. If there was one person throughout this season of Big Brother who's really been annoying me to the gills on an almost-daily basis, it's been two people. One of them is Krystal (if you count the amount of Daily Show appearances she makes where she's applying make-up and compare them to the number of Daily Show appearances she makes where she isn't, you'll be flummoxed by what it tells you), and the other, of course, is Katie.




I don't want to start comparing her to 2003 BB winner Reggie, because at least Reggie was entertaining and not at all bitchy with her stupidity. But both Krystal and Katie consider themselves more intelligent than they are, and re-tell other people's conversations incorrectly when recounting them to third parties later (always in a way that makes the other person look either cruel, mean, stupid or arrogant), which is a disgraceful way to stab someone in the back.

Their continual misrepresentation of the facts when talking about other Housemates is something that drove me nigh-on-insane with anger. Her security issues with Jamie was something else that piqued my immense frustration with her. And her inability to see how disinclusive she and Jamie were being (and why it's valid that the lovebirds would be resented for this) was just the icing on the cake.

I will admit to feeling very much as though it was going to be David's turn to go this week, but was delighted when he was sent back into the House from the newly renamed 'Exit Room' (previously the Revenge Room). I was absolutely stoked that the irritating twosome was going to be split up, and because good guy Jamie (and yes, I really do think he's a great guy) is a million times more enjoyable to watch on a daily basis without sending my blood pressure through the roof, the result we saw play out was my top preference.

Again we find ourselves facing the ever-diminshing female contingent of Housemates. Naturally enough (but kind of surprisingly), there are three more Intruders going in to the House on Wednesday. Two girls and a guy. Presumably one will be evicted again before the week is up? I'm not sure. Looks like we have a couple more double evictions ahead of us, though. Maybe even a triple eviction. But it's no surprise at all that two of these Intruders are also girls. The ratio is dropping far too rapidly (even though I've been 'all for' the eviction of a couple of the girls so far, such as Katie and Karen). It's going to be interesting to see if these new Intruders, if they are evicted in a relatively short time, will win the larger amount of prizes the more recent evictees have been winning. Car? Holiday? Scooter? If they only stay in there two weeks, you've got to wonder if that's far, considering what Elise, Tilli and Karen won for their two and three week stints.

I'm really glad David is still in the House. His little show of brotherly support in saving Ashely with his three point twist was a noble gesture that seemed to work its magic with the voting public. (Or people were just way too sick of Katie regardless.) Now I'm going to be very interested to see if Ashley nominates David again for the rest of his stay in the House. And will David continue to hold a passive-agressive dominance over the House? I hope so. Don't worry, Ms Fits; I still love David as well. I'm also a fan of Camilla and John, though.

And that leaves us with the 'problem' of what to expect from Jamie now that Katie is gone. Let's be fair; the two of them have really fallen for each other and I'm sure it's 100% genuine. I wish them all the best on the outside (better you than me, though, mate -- her insecurities would drive me nuts!). He will naturally feel upset and angry that she's gone, so I'm going to be generous and allow him two days to mope around about it and mourn his loss. By Wednesday, however, I expect him to be back on his hap-hap-happy feet and having fun again. Before the new Intruders come in.

If he bounces back earlier than that, fantastic. If he's still being a Negative Nancy on Wednesday, though ... I shall be very annoyed. I look forward to seeing him behaving as himself so I can determine whether or not I like Jamie the man, rather than having to assess my view of him as Jamie the one-half-of-Jamie-and-Katie.

Let's hope he's not two-dimensional without Katie. I'm looking for a male Housemate to be evicted next, and although I think it'd be really weak and sooky of Jamie to elect to 'walk' from the game in protest over Katie's eviction or something, if he doesn't prove himself to be an interesting guy when he's not doting over his girl, I'll be quite happy to see him gone next week.

You're on notice, Jamie.


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Oh, Grow UP, Children!

Can you believe the way Jamie and Katie on Australian Big Brother have been behaving this week? There are just too many instances (in three or four shows alone) for me to list here in full, but I have been getting angrier and angrier with each passing moment of their moping and childish reaction to the game.

They've been acting all 'cliquey' for the entire run of the show ... so how can they be surprised that people are eventually voting against them?! Anyway, everyone else has dealt with being nominated in a much healthier and more mature way than either of them.

No, Katie ... "it's not different for you, okay?" Playing the distraught girlfriend card as an excuse for the week's atrocious behaviour at the dinner table and lashing out at Camilla (who has not only taken her repeated nominations in her stride exceptionally well by comparison, but was completely justified in asking the question and defending the question's position/purpose ... and didn't she handle Katie's counter attack well!) was just too much for me. I took out a gun and shot my television. No, really. Look, here it is:




I almost don't care which of them is evicted on Sunday night as long as one of them is! Vote to save David, if anything. Be sure to keep the gay farmer in the House so we can continue to enjoy his charming life lessons. Just split up the frustrating-as-hell 'relationship' that's dividing the House into boring and sickening.

These two are the ones responsible for the show deteriorating into an insipid snogfest and barely-interesting BB weekly challenges since Michael was evicted.

Jamie and Katie: Vote them out.


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Daddy Issues

Uh-oh -- Sky's pregnant! Is the father Dylan, JP or Stingray?

I haven't seen tonight's episode of Neighbours yet, but I'll be watching it during the day tomorrow. For some reason, Sky has only been talking about Dylan or JP being the possible father of the child she discovered earlier this week she was carrying.

Lou and Mishka (so far the only others to know about her pregnancy) have been very supportive (so was JP over the phone, apparently -- oh, so I guess he knows as well), but when Sky tried to tell Dylan, he took off before she had a chance to say anything. He's still very cut with her and doesn't want to speak to her. If he's really feeling that betrayed, why is he still happily living next door to her?

There has been no mention of Scott 'Stingray' Timmins and his possible claim at fatherhood to Sky's fetus. I'm not sure if this is because Sky felt embarrassed to tell Lou and Mishka that the father was one of three possible fathers (rather than the considerably less 'shameful' one of two possible fathers), or if the 'several weeks' of pregnancy that the female doctor* told Sky she had already experienced is meant to indicate that Stingray couldn't be the father (but didn't Sky sleep with Stingray just a day or two after she slept with JP, once Dylan knocked her back?).

Either way, I'm sure this will be covered eventually (perhaps it was actually covered in tonight's episode), and then the real surprise will be felt. Because I'm tipping that it's Stingray's kid. How else can we inject more drama into the situation? Stingray is currently happy in love with Rachel, Dylan and Stingray are getting along well, and I'm predict that Dylan will eventually listen to Sky, and whether he is initially supportive of her or not, he will probably come good and be the nice guy ... only to have it revealed that his little brother is the father!

I know it's not such a stretch to come up with that storyline in your head yourself, so maybe I'll turn out to be wrong. But it seems to me to be the perfect opportunity to throw the dramatic spanner in the works for three different relationships (and counting).

The next question is will she keep the child? I don't see her bringing the child to term and keeping it, no. She'll either abort the fetus, lose it at some point through the pregnancy, or maybe have the child and give it up for adoption. Actually, Stephanie McIntosh (the actress who plays Sky) is leaving the show to work on her music career**, so maybe this is her swan song plot device. Will she die in childbirth? Will she and the baby simply die in some freak accident while the father (whoever he is) or her boyfriend at the time (not necessarily the same person) either watches helplessly or is at fault? More gripping drama potential there, boys and girls.

I should be a scriptwriter / storyboarder for the show. Email me if you want me, Grundy. I can start immediately.


* Someone call a private investigator! There's a doctor in Erinsborough that isn't Dr Karl Kennedy!

** No, really.


-----


CONNOR UPDATE:

Since his disappearance, there have been three or four references to Connor, mostly by Toadie saying he was surprised not to have heard from him yet, but "I suppose he's having too good a time" or something similar. When asked if Toadie had used his initiative and called Connor yet, his reply basically implied that the onus was on Connor to contact him first -- which amounts to another fine way of excusing the highly suspicious silence from his best mate.

I presume the references to Connor's trip will disappear altogether before too long (if they haven't already stopped for good), unless the writers plan to surprise us (and prove my earlier post wrong) by having Connor's ute and/or remains discovered as part of the Robert/Cameron plot finally coming to light. Maybe Carmella will return earlier than expected, or perhaps she'll just contact Toadie, worried about Connor, and mention that she told Connor about the comatose Robinson twin hidden away at St Luke's the day Connor supposedly went on his trip.

Credits-wise (as of Tuesday, 14th June -- over a week since we last saw Patrick Harvey on the show), his smiling dial is still featured in the opening credits, although his name was removed from the closing credits as of Friday, 9th June.

I'll keep you updated on further Connor references or sightings and new opening credit sequences as they come to light, by adding them as a "Connor Update" at the base of any Neighbours posts I write. Consider it a service from me to you.


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And That Leaves A One-Sided Triangle

I didn't realise how flakey and ditzy Danielle is until last night's Eviction Show. I have nothing against the girl specifically (other than making me laugh at Gretel's jokes re: Clueless, et al and causing me to think of Gretel as fondly as I have since the Merlin episode*), but my -- isn't she a scatterbrain!




She has commitment issues. She can't commit to a boy, and she can't commit to a decision. In fact, she can't commit to a sentence! What kind of person jumps back and forth on what they're saying so much that she never remembers the question, has real problems trying to identify the point being made by the interviewer, and ends an answer leaving the audience completely confused as to what she was saying. Not to mention how many 'likes' she inserts into her answers! She out-weighs Jamie's score of 8 or 9 the other night on FNL, for sure.

No one answered my question last week about Jade and Dino: Did they receive any additional prizes other than those won by Michael the week before? Did Jade and Dino get a motorbike as well, or did they get a car? I'm guessing they got motorbikes and Danielle was the first to win a car, due to the practical issues with fitting two cars on the stage. Plus, they were expected to give away the motorbikes as the 'main prize' for another week after Anna and Michael.

Makes you wonder how far the prizes can escalate now if there are still ten people inside. Will they get multiple cars as we get closer to the end? A car and a motorbike? Maybe a car and a boat? A house? Kris Noble's job? It could get really crazy.

Poor Elise, Tilli and Karen. They basically got nothing!

Anyway, back to Danielle's head-against-a-brick-wall interview.

It really shows how much better all the other Housemates have done in their Eviction Shows. Danielle is a lovely girl, but she gives a really bad interview!

I'll be interested to see how John reacts now to having lost both Dino and Danielle. But more interesting will be the re-pairing (if you know what I mean -- not to be confused with 'repairing') of Dino and Danielle themselves. That's clearly what Gretel was alluding to at the end of last night's show; they're both going to appear on whatever show it was Gretel was pushing at the time.

I wonder if it'll be a bit of an anti-climax, seeing Dino has washed his hands of Danielle and she can't string a sentence together?**



* I don't have a problem with him making his point. I just mean that Gretel handled a really bad TV moment very well, all things considered. She still had a job to do and he was being intentionally difficult and 'obtuse'. If only she'd been able to maintain that kind of control and maturity in the past two years!

** UPDATE: It was.


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Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 10

Last night saw the tenth episode of Thank God You're Here (TGYH), which was the much-hyped and eagerly-anticipated (for all the right reasons) season finale.

For this final foray into celebrity embarrassment and hilarity for this season, we were lucky enough to have an extended episode (an hour and fifteen minutes' worth; not the single hour I mistakenly reported last week) featuring five, yes, five contestants. First-timer Kate Langbroek joined veterans Shaun Micallef, Angus Sampson, Frank Woodley and Akmal Saleh. And as I pointed out last time, each of the men listed have previously 'won' an episode already, apart from Shaun.

It was possibly a little strange, then (or rather fitting, if you believe six appearances are worthy of being rewarded as such), that Angus Sampson won the night instead.

Shaun started us off this week with his portrayal of the Minister for Foreign Affairs, apologising to the minister of another nation who had been terribly offended by his behaviour and a recent oil spill off the coast of his country by an Australian ship. The laughs came thick and fast in this scene, and it was probably one of the better ones of the night. Shaun's repeated attempt to end the scene prematurely (for comic effect only) were hilarious. "I'm so offronted that I'm going to leave!" / "Let's put this whole thing behind us. [Beat] Thank you and good-bye!" Also brilliant was his response (trying not to laugh and then incorporating his laughter into his reply) when his apparent quote about the other country's queen was read back to him, "Queen Mototofu is so fat, that she applied for Australia's Biggest Loser and was told, 'Sorry -- no professionals', by saying, "Yes, that was a good one." A simple reply, really, but from Micallef, simple comes across as genius due to his skill and talent. Many things in this scene were highly amusing; there are simply too many to list here. I thought Shaun had well-and-truly earnt his stripes here to win his first TGYH trophy, but alas, it was not to be. I hope Shaun won't be miffed at this, because I for one desperately want to see him return to the show next season.

Second cab off the rank was Angus, who was dressed in a tux with tails, and entered a scene not dissimilar to the Titanic (although I didn't notice any deliberate reference to that doomed liner). Clearly dressed as a well-to-do gentleman, his friends egged him on to try and seduce the two women across the room in the style for which he was apparently famous. Ensemble actress Nicola Parry was again kissed by a male contestant on stage (the other week it was Josh Lawson -- I wonder if she feels honoured or a little icky about that), but this time the two shared a pastry between them as they smooched. A pastry that clearly wasn't fresh or appetising at all. I'm not surprised -- it had probably been sitting out on the table for hours and hadn't been cooked. There were a few funny lines here with Angus, but all-in-all it was a fairly forgettable scene. No offense to Angus (I've made it clear before this how much he has 'won me over' through his appearances on TGYH), but I can't recall anything else of note from this scene.

Frank came on next, and I don't know what it was about him this week, but he really wasn't 'on form' like his previous appearances. On three separate occasions he broke from the scene and spoke as himself -- once about the accent he was using, once about calling himself by a name other than that ensemble actress Heidi Arena (who was portraying his mother) called him*, and then once when he caught an audience member yawning -- which was two times too many, IMHO. I know it's "just Frank's way", but he did it too much and made things too difficult and awkward for the other actors to move the scene along. Full credit to the other actors, though, for doing their best to keep things moving despite Frank's seemlingly determined efforts to stall everything. Considering he was so brilliant on his previous TGYH outings, I found this scene to be a real disappointment. No wonder people in the audience were yawning; I almost did myself. We all know he's capable of so much more than the performance he gave in this scene, so it was kind of a surprise to hear him butcher it so badly. That said, it wasn't a very interesting scene he'd been presented with, playing an 1890s gold prospector returning home to report on the happenings at the gold fields to his family.

* Note: Heidi covered this by saying she was so sick she couldn't see properly, but Frank continued to make the situation worse by drawing more attention to the error and trying to make it even more uncomfortable for cheap laughs.

Next it was Kate's turn to show us how it's done, and for someone who hadn't done it before, she did a pretty good job. Wifey said she was the best female they've had on the show, but I'm not so sure about that. She was certainly good, but I don't know if she was that good. Playing Cleopatra, Kate had the enviably task of acting out many a girl's fantasy; that of having everyone at her beck and call, and being able to send handsome slaves to her bedroom (for punishment later) while killing any man who is unfaithful to her. For a non-comedian (strictly-speaking), she came up with some good jokes when demanding that the slave kiss her ring and that Marc Antony better not have cheated on her while he was away or she'll have him killed. Her answer to the handmaidens who asked why the slaves are building the pyramids ("every man needs a hobby") was clever (even if the line had a 'rough' delivery), and she seemed to enjoy herself despite her unease with the whole idea.

What was especially pleasing to me, given my penchance to credit the four main ensemble cast members in my TGYH review the other week, was to see host Shane Bourne do the same thing directly after Kate's scene. Daniel, Heidi, Ed and Nicola were all mentioned by name (their full names, too), and the audience applauded them for their immeasurable efforts. Maybe someone from Working Dog is reading my posts? If so, DROP THE DANCES!!

Finally we were treated to diminutive Akmal's excellent scene set in a circus. Dressed as a clown, Akmal provided us with possibly the most laughs of the night. His performance was slightly more amusing than Shaun's, and pretty-much left Kate, Angus and Frank's scenes for dead. With a straight face, Akmal delivered hilarious line after hilarious line, from yelling at Pinto (played by Pip the minature pony -- who was apparently a normal-sized horse until Akmal's magic trick went awry) for speaking badly about him, to setting dogs alight and juggling kittens, the picture he painted about his magic act left us in no uncertainty about how terrible his act must truly be. His references to his own size ("I know he's a miniature horse -- I'm a miniature clown!"), the number of injured audience members ("think about all the people in the audience who weren't injured") and the reasons he smashed the clown car when he wasn't even at work "I was picking Pinto up from the pub") were all handled with aplomb and natural skill. Every line resulted in a big laugh from the audience and us at home, and I don't think anyone could say he wasn't the most amusing of the night.

These five groups scenes were followed by the most superbly-concocted group scene so far attempted. Although I've been relatively unforgiving with the writers of the show for various elements, I want to make it clear how much I love TGYH and almost everything that's gone into it. I only pick at the bits that annoy me because I adore the overall result so much. And the effort that went into creating this final scene of the series is the perfect example of the skill and brilliance the show's creators possess. They are truly outstanding, and this scene was a lot of fun to watch. It started with Angus being sent in one room, Shaun in another, and Frank taken out the back (a pop-up window at the bottom of the screen showed him being taken outside and onto a waiting helicopter). Kate and Akmal were led into the final room, which was set up as a morning TV show studio called 'Daybreak' (similar to Channel Seven's Sunrise program). Kate was co-host of the show and Akmal was one of the newsreaders. Angus, Shaun and Frank were the show's sports, weather and traffic reporters, respectively. A lot happened in this scene, from Kate having to explain about her upcoming guest and why that interview was so special (she did a great job of being vague yet impassioned about it), Akmal having to explain the news headlines from footage we were seeing onscreen (the biggest problem with this scene was that he didn't have very much to do here at all; in fact, two news stories was his entire involvement), Angus was beamed in direct from the USA at the goild tournament (his explanation of why the underage female Aussie golfer wasn't on the course due to being busted drinking the night before was excellent), Shaun was suitably befuddled giving the weather report on a map of Australia containing many confusing weather symbols, and finally Frank -- by now up in the air over Melbourne at night -- was back in good form explaining that we were experiencing a solar eclipse ... and that "down there, there are either about 200 cars, or about 400 motorbikes".

It was a suitably overwhelming way to close the season finale, and when Angus was presented with the flowers for winning, he said he'd like to hand them on to the wonderful ensemble cast -- a lovely tribute (such as it was) to their remarkable efforts all series long. I believe he plans to keep the trophy, though. :)

Before each of the male victims contestants went on for their solo scene, we were treated to a recap of some of their funniest moments on the show throughout the previous nine episodes, which was highly entertaining. Instead of being able to do this for newcomer Kate's solo scene, we were treated to the only new pre-recorded bit of the evening.

Judge Tommy G's opening gag about Kate Langbroek's prior Dancing With The Stars appearance (and his repeated use of the scorecard for this season) was so unfunny that I fast forwarded through everything else he had to say.

The only let-down was that there was no appearance all season of possibly my favourite Australian female comedian of all time, Judith Lucy. Hopefully she'll feature in the second season.

All up, this was a majorly-entertaining show, and I'mvery much looking forward to the second season. Hopefully we don't have to wait a full year for it to return to our screens. This is the sort of show that could make two appearances a year (ten weeks isn't a long season, after all), and we wouldn't get tired of it because it changes so much with the new scenes and new contestants. They just have to keep it fresh by including different contestants and improving the scenes they write for the female performers (and by ending far fewer of the scenes with a dance!).

Here's hoping season two will arrive soon. This has been another fantastic show from the Working Dog team.

For all those of you who may have missed it, you can download the entire final episode here (apparently; I haven't got the software, ability or intelligence to check it out for myself). That goes for all of you (even our international friends -- check it out, why don't you?) except for Noshie & Adie, because (as per your request) I've made a tape for you guys that contains three or four TGYH episodes that you can watch when you get back -- and the finale is amongst them. (I'm a pretty good guy, really.)


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Connor Is A Goner

I've always liked Connor O'Neill on Neighbours, and have even taken quite a shine to the actor who portrays him, Patrick Harvey.




But during the course of last week (and late the week before), we saw his storylines being drawn to a rapid close. Actually, the first signs of his imminent departure were laid when he received a call from Carmella's mother asking him to track down her missing daughter. This is when the warning bells went off for me (plus, I had already learned, at least a month earlier, that Patrick had left the series).

When he found Carmella (which he managed surprisingly easily, considering her mother hadn't been able to accomplish the same task in six months - but I guess those two hours he spent completing his private detective course at Erinsborough TAFE were worthwhile after all!), she was in a convent, naturally, ready to take her vows and become a nun. She had been driven to this point in her life after being wracked with guilt for what she had done to Connor and his then-girlfriend (it'd be pretty sick to continue a relationship with her after she'd died, after all) Serena Bishop.

For those of you not in the know, this previous plot had involved blackmail, deception, and Connor having to steal money from the business he ran with Toadie and Serena (the bikini shop) to pay Carmella's fictitious debts to her father's loan sharks. After he did so and Carmella felt bad about it, she returned the money to the store anonymously, although Connor thought he was going to be arrested for burglary when the plane he and several other Ramsey Street characters (including Paul, Izzy, Serena and her parents David & Liljana) were traveling on across Bass Strait arrived in Tasmania.

This is when Robert Robinson's bomb (intended for Paul, apparently; although Robert's 'plan B' has been a lot more elaborate and slow to progress) went off, bringing down the plane and costing the three Bishop family members' lives (David, Liljana and Serena all perished, although only David's body was recovered -- an opportunity for a surprise comeback some day for the two women, perhaps?). Knowing that Serena had died, Connor (who'd washed up on shore with Dylan) decided to fake his own death and start a new life on the run.

Carmella, obviously not hearing of Connor's eventual return to civilisation a few weeks later, had run away to a convent to seek forgiveness. When she saw Connor the week before last, she was relieved and asked him for the forgiveness she was seeking. Initially he was peeved with her and wasn't exactly generous in the mercy department. However, he returned to the convent a few days later to try to talk her out of taking her vows, or at least to come and stay in 'The House Of Trouser' with them for a week to catch a glimpse of her old life again -- before it was too late -- to see if this 'nun thing' was what she truly wanted.

She agreed to give it a go for a week, and I started to think that maybe he'd convince her that life with him was worth another shot and his farewell storyline would revolve around the two of them leaving Erinsborough to start a new life together somewhere else. But then TV Week spoilt that for me by showing spoiler shots of Robert threatening Connor with physical violence, and the ever-so-subtle text emblazoned across the bottom of the pic: "Connor's tragic farewell - MURDERED BY ROBERT?" Nice. Thanks for leaving some mystery for me!

Within two or three days last week, the remainder of Connor's storylines were wrapped up, as he came to a crisis of conscience and decided that his life was in a major rut and he needed to go traveling around Australia alone 'to find himself'. He accepted that Carmella had changed as a person and that the 'nun thing' was right for her. Stu had moved back with his family, Toadie had the lawyer thing to give his life purpose, but Connor's self-worth was at an all-time low. I must say I liked that this was even tackled as a 'motivation' point at all. It's very true to how many people feel, but we don't often hear TV characters saying this kind of thing (unless it's on a sitcom, and someone's about to make them feel even worse for a cheap laugh).

From this point on, things were handled in such a way so as to telegraph the fact that if Connor were to go missing, nobody would even notice. Here are the main warning points I noticed, in a nutshell:

- He assured Toadie that his share of the mortgage repayments were going to be deducted automatically, so there was no need to worry about that while he was traveling;

- He was going to be gone for at least six months, maybe longer, maybe a year, he didn't know;

- He gave Toadie his secret family beer recipe, which was supposed to be handed down from family member to family member only (Toadie: "You can't tell me that - I'm not family!" Connor" "Yes you are." Audience: "Awwwww.")

- His final words to Toadie were: "Hey, name your first kid after me!" (Famous last words to haunt Toadie thereafter if ever I heard them - that's why I also predict that Toadie will eventually father a child that will be named after Connor ... and this will possibly happen around the time that Connor's disappearance/death is discovered. Six months? One year? Two years?)

- The whole idea of his travels mean that it's likely he'll be out of range of communication on-and-off for the whole time, stopping his friends in Ramsey Street from being suspicious when they can't get through to him on his mobile;

- And finally, Carmella going on a two year sojourn after she took her vows in her final guest appearance last week; the first month of which is in the country somewhere, so it's quite likely that no one will even suspect anything's wrong until she returns to Erinsborough after her 'nun thing' has run its course. Although it's equally possible, with the Robert/Cameron Robinson having taken a new twist this week, that things may come to a head earlier than that, and some light will be shed as to Connor's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, I don't see how Connor could still be alive. I wish he was, and that Patrick Harvey will one day return to the show, but it seems strange to me that Robert, who happily put a bomb in a plane full of strangers and then in his sister's car, would do anything other than eliminate the one person who (at that time) stood to unwittingly uncover his twin-swap ruse. We saw Robert driving Connor's ute out of Ramsey Street, with the camera focusing on the covered tarpaulin across the tray in the back, as if to underline the fact that Connor was inside. Then we didn't see anything else.

It's possible that he was simply unconscious or tied up, and Robert threatened his life if he ever came back or said anything to anyone, and sent him on his way (but unlikely as far as character motivation goes, and would also make Connor an inexcusable coward), so I fear that the young Irish lad is dead. There's also the possibility that somehow Robert left Connor to die, but he recovered, and suffered from that old soapie staple, amnesia. Or something like that. It's a tried-and-tested formula (it worked for Susan several years ago), so maybe this is where they're going with the Connor storyline.

In all honesty, I think what's really happened is they've found a way to keep it 'open-ended' until they know for sure if Patrick Harvey is going to return to the show. The writers have kept it mysterious and unstated on purpose, so that in the case of Patrick being happy to return, they can turn his disappearance into something plausible like the above suggestions (or hopefully better -- after all, that's why they get paid the big bucks). And if they get confirmation that he doesn't want to return, they an always have someone stumble across his remains or something. (They can still do this and have him return later, of course -- that's the beauty of TV soaps.) How can you not want this sexy lad to be back on our screens?




But all of the above points coming out in less than two days of dialogue between Connor and Toadie really made it clear that Connor was going to disappear and no one was even going to realise he was in danger. This troubles me no end. The idea that someone could be murdered or dying or in some kind of danger, and that their friends wouldn't even realise there was any cause for alarm for anywhere between six months and two years really disturbs me.

I feel quite bad for the character, and I know how stupid that sounds. I wonder how any children watching feel about it, though. Is it the sort of thing that might worry them? The idea that Robert possibly killed Connor, possibly not, and that no one's even raising any alarm for him?

I wonder if Toadie's gonna have a kid with Katya. It's gonna be someone, I'm telling you. He has already had his own 'crisis of conscience' lately, particularly in relation to girls, and it's clear that he's destined to eventually have a relationship with Katya once the Robert/Cameron thing has run its course. Whether that means Toadie and Katya marry (or don't marry) and have a kid together, I don't know. But I'm tipping that Toadie will father a child (probably a son) at some point in the next two years, and sometime before then Connor's disappearance (if not his actual whereabouts or whether he's alive) will become known ... and Toadie will remember Connor's last words to him and name his kid after him.

That's a pretty specific tip I'm giving. And it's one that's not necessarily going to play out soon. So I hope you all take note of when I said this, so we can re-visit this post in the years/months to come and see how close or not I really was.

Personally, I hope Patrick Harvey returns to the show, and Connor is discovered alive and well somewhere, only to come back to Ramsey Street once more (even if the writers have to resort to the amnesia idea, and the other characters first think he's dead and mourn him -- including the Connor Rebecchi idea).

So has Connor got the luck of the Irish? Or has time run out for him, once and for all?