Get OUT Of The House, The Lot Of You

Many have complained that the finale of Australian Big Brother 2006 was just plain wrong. That Jamie, the air-headed but basically nice personal trainer from Western Australia should not have beaten Camilla, the argumentative but excellent-thinker-on-her-feet and hard-done-by multi-nominated, turkey-slapped over-hyphenated student from Melbourne. And I'd probably agree, if I'd voted.

But as I was painting the house with my Dad and brother while these final shows were airing, I taped them and watched them a few days later. This meant that I couldn't vote because I didn't know who was still in the House. (Imagine if I'd been blindly voting for David to win, not knowing he was evicted the day before!)

So I can't complain about the outcome ... and I won't.




True, I had hoped and assumed that Camilla would win it, and perhaps too many others did as well, 'relaxing' them to the idea so they didn't feel the need or compulsion to vote. But the same thing happens every year, just not always at the finale.




Meanwhile, the teenage girls who were all in love with Jamie were voting up a frenzy because for the majority of the show's run, he wasn't considered the favourite to win at all.

But like a good friend of mine said, Jamie wasn't a bad bloke or anything, so it wasn't the greatest injustice in the world. I'm happy enough with the result. I'm not feeling as cheated as I was last year when the Bogan Logans took off with Tim's money.




Jamie was definitely "the dopey beefcake", as someone said in a comment here a while ago (I can't be stuffed going back and finding where and who it was, but you know who you are and I admire you beyond words ... which is why there aren't any). It's the perfect description, and certainly quantifies the type of person who invariably wins this show in Australia. Ben, Peter, Reggie, Trevor, the Logan twins and now Jamie. The only chick ever to have won it was the dumbest of the lot.

So what's the reason? Why do girls, even one as impressive and commendable as Camilla, never (rarely) win? Is it really because it's just teenage girls voting? Wouldn't they also have the drive to see a woman win and see their gender represented amongst the show's champions? They can vote for their favourite 'hunks' if they like to keep them there to the end so they can gaze longingly at their bicips and triceps and quads and whatever else they have, but surely a woman eventually winning it would appeal to them even more?

So if it's not teenage girls voting, is it sexist men keeping the women from winning? I'm not one of them, I hope it's clear. So who are these people, and what's their motivation? I find it all strange, that's all. Five out of six seasons have been won by men, and the one won by a woman (try saying that five times fast!) doesn't even really count. That was a pity win. For her stupidity and in response to her pleas that she didn't want to return to her sad life with her nasty, loveless husband (something I always thought was unfair on him, true or not, because he wasn't able to defend himself properly against whatever her pea-brain thought up to say - and what was inevitably exaggerated over time, the longer she was in the House).

Was Jamie really a better Housemate than Camilla? I don't know if he was, but obviously there are more than enough people out there to provide the alternate opinion. Please feel free to, if any Jamie-lovers are out there. Or maybe it was just that all the Camilla-haters voted for her to lose. Giving your opinion won't open you up to attack or ridicule, I promise (at least not by me).

But the result of the votes wasn't the only thing worth mentioning about the night. First, in a little-known incident (except here online, where everyone knows everything because we're all so brilliant), Friday Night Live co-host Bree Amer appeared on the show despite having tests earlier that day (or so I believe) on a suspicious lump a viewer had noticed on her neck the previous Friday.

This viewer, who happens to be a doctor specialising on suspicious lumps on the necks of game show hosts' necks, rang the network to advise Bree to have the lump checked out. Thankfully, the message was passed on and she was reported to have had tests done on the offending lump earlier this morning.



Doctors say Bree will recover.
More's the pity.

This whole thing may sound fabricated to you, and you may be right to doubt the story. Especially the bit about a doctor watching Friday Night Live (not to mention that he could notice a lump on her neck from watching her on TV).

But the actual finale was quite entertaining. The evicted Housemates had been choreographed into a major dance number (this is possibly the main reason I wouldn't want to appear on Big Brother myself -- unless I make it to the final two Housemates [or get removed from the House for indecent behaviour], I'd have to perform in a dance routine at the finale!).

Truth be told, I was actually quite impressed with all of the Housemates who appeared in this dance thing. Sure, it was purported to promote Danielle's new single "Underneath The Radar", but whatever. I couldn't care less about that. The dancing of the boys in particular was very well executed, and there wasn't anyone I felt I could fault (except perhaps David and Max, uncomfortably waving their arms around up the back -- but only because they'd had much less rehearsal than the rest of them). They seemed to be having fun, too. None of this "I'm too cool to dance, so I'm only going to do it with half the enthusiasm so I don't look stupid", which of course is exactly what makes you look stupid and uncomfortable and wrong. Well done to them all.



The evicted Housemates dance up a storm at the finale.
They have to pretend to get along with Michael, Anna and Darren,
but worst of all, they have to pretend to remember who Elise is.

As alluded to in passing above, the two Housemates who were removed from the House, Ashley and John, were not involved in the finale at all. There were reports leading up to the day concerning their views on this fact, and John is quoted as saying something along the lines of, "I don't care, I don't want anything to do with Big Brother after the way they treated me". Despite their actions and what you think of them, I think it's sad that he feels this 'burnt' by the show and the reaction they received to be this angry. That's all I'm going to say about that. But the speculation that had been building about whether or not the two boys would appear on the show at all resulted in a very obvious omission from the line-up of former Housemates. One newspaper in particular thought it was quite rude for John and Ashley not to be invited back (see the hilarious graphic below), but it really couldn't have been possible for Network Ten to have featured them on the show. Like I said yesterday, they'd have been opening themselves up to massive backlash if they had.



Hahaha, geddit?

As an interesting aside, I found this image of Gina, the twice-Housemate-to-be who never showed up and was later said to have suffered a meltdown when about to board the flight to the Gold Coast, on the official Big Brother website. I find her appearance quite remarkable, considering what ended up happening.



Doomed no-show Housemate Gina.
How did the producers not see she
had a mental breakdown coming??!

But the focus of the night was on Jamie (and, to a lesser extent, Camilla). For her part, Camilla was good-natured about her 'loss' to Jamie, praising him as a person and fellow Housemate. Jamie was also full of nice things to say about Camilla, even apologising (but was it only for the appearance of humility?) when he was announced as the winner.



Jamie catches his reflection in a mirror
for the first time since leaving the House.

Even Gretel seemed less offensive tonight. I was hoping to hear her finish by saying it was her last Big Brother appearance, but I guess you can't have everything.

The only thing that really bugged the pants off me was Katie. Katie coming in after everyone else in her section of Housemates, the kiss she gave Jamie while the camera rotated around them like they were at the end of a romantic comedy, the comments she made about models, footballers and everyone else throwing themselves at her, but most of all the way she jumped on him as he entered the stage after being declared the winner.

IT'S NOT YOUR MOMENT, KATIE. GET OFF HIM!

Talk about ruining the mood! Was it sincere happiness for him? Or was there a little reminder of possession being nine-tenths of the law in there as well? Was she letting people know that she was going to be a recipient of the prize money too? Or was she just honestly happy to be able to leech off his winnings for a while?

Whatever it was, it was more than I could take. I was glad she didn't try to stand up the front with Jamie and Gretel as well, or I would have thrown something at my television.

Let me repeat: I don't mind Jamie at all. I think he's a great guy and I wish him well. Part of wishing him well is hoping that he wakes up to himself about Katie and promptly dumps her as soon as he feels the Australian public will forgive him for it (or at least not notice or care).

By which I of course mean next week.




Bring on Big Brother 07!


.

Maximum Gayness

I must say, tonight's Big Brother viewing was by far the most amusing and otherwise enjoyable footage they've screened all year. The Daily Show footage of them setting up the dominoes and letting them go was brilliant, and Max's great sense of humour and funness was a delight to watch.

The creepy four-person date with Big Brother himself was filled with amusing antics, not the least of which was when Max asked Big Brother if he could do one of those sexy growls, which Big Brother then proceeded to do in his usual static tone. The growl itself was hilarious enough, but Max's reaction to it was pure brilliance.

The whole mothers-and-best-friend invasion with the Housemates gradually finding the food, the treasured items, and even David's short-sheeted bed was another excellently crafted section of the show, and it was amazing to me that a team of writers/producers who are apparently capable of creating such fun TV to watch have been churning out such comparative crap for most of the year.

Max's antics when he taste-testing -- twice -- the food simmering on the stove was also hilarious. In fact, pretty much every moment of the hour-long Daily Show was a delight to watch.

And now I must join the bandwagon: Why was the legendary Max not put in the House from the very beginning??! I'd like to think he would have survived a long time in that House and been a popular favourite personality. He would have been deserving to win the show (as it was, he was probably the most deserving of all Intruders/Replacement Housemates ever to win it, so I think it would have been very nice in one way if he had -- although it would have seemed grossly unfair to the other three if they'd all lost to him), and we could have enjoyed more of his infectious spirit and enjoyable sense of humour all along. His laugh alone would have had us tuning in each night to see what he was saying or doing next.

I thought Max was ace. I would have loved for him to go in earlier so we could have seen more of him. Boo to Big Brother for not holding off on Max until next year, when he could have had a good chance at taking out the title.




I'm glad he got $10,000 as his fourth-place prize. I think that's a suitable kick to the face for Chris.

As for David, I was personally a little disappointed that he wasn't the runner-up to Camilla for BB06. But once David's name was read out, I 'knew' who was going to win, and I 'knew' I wouldn't be happy about it. (I wouldn't be upset about it, exactly, but I knew Jamie was bound to win.) The whole David/Sherif embrace to the tune of that off-tune barbershop quartet singing "Summer Rain" didn't bother me like it did others (the moment meant a lot to David and Sherif, and that was the main thing - it also made him very emotional, and that's what they were after), and I thought it was great that his relationship outside the House had 'waited' for him. He seemed very happy with everything, and good on David for showing so much bravery in BB06.

I would have liked you to get second place, Davey, but if wishes were horses ... (and perhaps if I'd bothered to vote ...)




The whole thing was set up quite nicely for a big finale, but would Ashley and John be in attendance? My guess was no, because Network Ten couldn't be seen to 'forgive' the two guys for the behaviour that had them thrown out of the House. It would only bring further trouble for the network and the companies that produce the show, so I knew there was no way we'd be seeing the Troublesome Twosome.

But with only one night to go, who'd emerge victorious? And would the finale be worth our while? Find out in tomorrow's post!




.

Big Blogger - Special Guest

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience is cheering loudly, then suddenly realises they’re all facing the back of the auditorium. They turn around in time to see Feral walk onto the stage, so their cheers get even louder.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to an extra special weekend edition of Big Blogger. Tonight we’ll be surprising the Housemates by welcoming a very special guest into the House.

[Audience hoots and guffaws.]

Feral: That’s right, the Housemates don’t know it yet, but they’re about to be joined by the winner of the UK series of Big Blogger – and she’s going to be staying in the House until you vote her out! She won’t be a short-term visitor; this is the real deal!

[The audience is making so much ‘excited’ noise about this that the Ninjas have to hose them down to get them to be quiet. Feral turns to face another camera, managing to avoid any water from the fire hose being sprayed on the audience.]

Feral: Let’s pop over to the House for a quick look to see what the Housemates are up to.

[Cut to the House. The Housemates have eaten dinner and are lazing about in the lounge. No one is talking. For the most part, they look quite bored. We watch them for thirty seconds as they simply look around the room at each other and at the walls. Tyson yawns.]

[Cut back to Feral on the stage.]

Feral: The Housemates haven’t even been told to congregate in the lounge; they’re all just sitting in there together looking quite bored. But that works for us, because we’re about to throw a real firecracker into the House to liven things up!

[Audience gets its motor running.]

Feral: And let’s not waste any more time. Here she is!

[Cut to video footage.]

Pomgirl: [In a strong English accent, much like this person here, and talking super-fast, incredibly-rapid, and ultra-quick (which is how she talks all the time, just so you know how to ‘hear’ her voice in your head)] Well, I’m just so happy to be here, ya know, ‘cos I won Big Blogger in the UK an’ all, and I just want to spend my time traveling the world winning other Big Bloggers and snogging fit guys, ya know? I love to shop, but I’ll be <BEEP>ed if I’m gonna have to pay for anything now tha’ I’m famous!

[Cut back to Feral on the stage. The audience is laughing and cheering. Clearly, Pomgirl is going to be a fan favourite!]

Feral: [Smiling broadly] Please welcome her to the stage, it’s BBUK winner, Pomgirl!

[Audience goes cah-razy in support of this international special guest.]

Pomgirl: [Entering] Hi! [Waves at audience. To Feral:] Wow, where’d you get that dress?

Feral: Oh, it was just hanging up in my dressing room. But anyway, welcome to Australia!

Pomgirl: Thank you, thank you! Ya know, I never thought I’d ever have a chance to visit Australia, but now that I’m here I don’t know why I would have wanted to. You guys don’t have any good shops! I wanted to go to Macy’s and Bloomingdales and stuff.

Feral: I think you might have us confused with America.

Pomgirl: [Looks blank] America and Australia aren’t the same place?

[Audience laughs. She can insult them and their country all she likes – they love her!]

Feral: I’m sorry, they’re very different countries. But hey – you have the chance to go into the House and add nearly two million dollars to the two million pounds you won in the UK. Or did you? How much of the two million pounds did you actually win?

Pomgirl: I’m no good with numbers, but I think it was one and a half mill.

[Audience cheers.]

Feral: Well, the prize money here has already been dwindled down quite a bit, too. We’re looking at about 1.75 million Australian dollars currently remaining in the prize pool, which probably only equates to four or five hundred thousand pounds anyway.

Pomgirl: [Shocked and angry] What?!

[Audience laughs.]

Feral: It may be a little more than that, I don’t know. So tell us a bit about yourself. How old are you?

Pomgirl: [Happy now that she’s talking about her favourite topic: Herself] Well, I’ve been told to tell people that I’m 21 plus GST, although I don’t understand what that means.

Feral: And are you single?

Pomgirl: No, but we don’t get Aussie Big Blogger in the UK, so it won’t be a problem if I want to snog anyone while I’m over here.

[Audience h00ts.]

Feral: You’re not worried about your partner in the UK finding out?

Pomgirl: Nah, he’s a real dumb<BEEP>, anyway. I brought this with me to remind me of him! [She holds up a small plush toy of Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street. Audience goes “Awwww”, even though she just said she plans to cheat on him, given the chance.]

Feral: That’s lovely. A bit grumpy, is he?

Pomgirl: [Confused] Huh?

Feral: Never mind. So do you think you can win our version of Big Blogger?

Pomgirl: Of course I can. I won the last one, didn’t I?

[Audience confirms that yes, she did.]

Feral: Fair enough. Well, you should really add something that the House currently seems to be lacking. Excitement! Good luck!

Pomgirl: Thanks, bye! [Waves at the audience as a Ninja takes her by the arms and directs her off stage.]

Ninja: I’m an awesome kisser, if you want to get started right now ...

Pomgirl: <BEEP> off, ya tosser.

[The audience is cheering for Pomgirl.]

Feral: Phew! What a little bundle of energy she is! Let’s cut to the House again to watch the tornado strike as Pomgirl is admitted into our unsuspecting Housemates’ world.

[Cut to the House, where the Housemates are still slumped around in the lounge. TOBYtoby throws a cushion across the room to Tyson, but it falls short and lands on the outstretched legs of MelbourneGirl. She looks at TOBYtoby, looks at the cushion, and decides to leave it there. No one seems to have much enthusiasm to do anything. Steph and Gav are next to each other. Steph is fiddling with her watch but Gav has his eyes closed. Tammiodo sniffs as she looks from Dxxxx to RichardWatts. Magical_M is humming softly to herself and looking at her reflection in the mirror opposite. The camera spends two minutes panning across the Housemates’ faces, but no one talks in that time.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

[The Housemates jump in their seats in surprise at suddenly hearing a loud voice coming through the speakers.]

Steph: [Putting her hand to her heart] Whoa. That scared me. [Taking Gav’s hand and placing it on her chest] Here, feel this.

Gav: [Groggily, still waking up] Really? In front of everybody?

Big Blogger: Housemates. Big Blogger has a surprise for you.

Magical_M: Oooh, yes! Make it some alcohol, make it some alcohol! Or a good-looking straight guy.

Big Blogger: Please welcome your Special Guest, Pomgirl.

[Suddenly, claxons sound and the Housemates all jump to their feet and face the Diary Room door. The television screen above their heads starts flashing "SPECIAL GUEST!" across the screen. The Housemates get excited very quickly and begin to cheer. The Diary Room door opens and Pomgirl walks out. There is much cheering and yelping from the girls in particular, although Magical_M looks slightly disappointed. TOBYtoby is seen checking her out.]

MelbourneGirl: Welcome! How are you?

Pomgirl: Fine thanks. Is there anything to drink?

Steph: Not alcoholic, no.

Pomgirl: [Shocked and angry again] What?!

Tyson: Hey, nice accent! Where you from?

Pomgirl: [Putting on heirs and graces] I’m from the United Kingdom, thank you very much.

RichardWatts: Hey, cool!

[Pomgirl glares at RichardWatts as if to demand, “Cool?”, but she keeps her lips thinly pursed in silence.]

Steph: Are we getting any more Special Guests?

Pomgirl: I dunno.

MelbourneGirl: Damn those <BEEP>in’ sirens!

[As if on cue, the sirens stop. MelbourneGirl looks at the mirrors in suspicion. Is Big Brother playing with her?]

TOBYtoby: [All suave and sexy-like] Hi there, I’m TOBYtoby.

Pomgirl: [Turning coy, sensing potential snogging action] Hi …

[They bat their eyelids at each other while the audience gets its groove on.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. [The Housemates stop talking and listen.] Housemates, please make your Special Guest feel very welcome in the House.

[The Housemates all cheer.]

Big Blogger: She will be staying with you for a while.

[The Housemates all cheer again.]

Big Blogger: In fact, she is a new Housemate and is just as eligible to win Big Blogger as any of you.

[The Housemates all stare at Pomgirl in silence. They weren’t expecting that. After a beat, Pomgirl cheers herself, but no one else joins in. There is an awkward silence.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is applauding.]

Feral: Oh boy! It looks like we’re set to see some exciting action unfold in the House this week! Be sure to tune in again on Wednesday for our Week 5 wrap-up and eviction. Pomgirl will be safe from nomination this week, but all the other Housemates are sitting ducks. I’ve been Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where our international cat has been set loose amongst our Housemates' pigeons. [Aside] Who writes this crap? [Facing the camera again, smiling.] Good night!

[Audience goes bananas, even though they can’t afford them.]

Mike: [Voice over] This week’s eviction is sure to be an upset, so remember to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


* * *


.

Big Blogger - Week 4

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Welcome to Big Blogger! Please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

[Audience cheers and claps like there’s no tomorrow, because members of a doomsday cult have recently passed through the crowd convincing them that this is the case.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody! Hello and welcome to Big Blogger - Week 4. We’re well underway now, and the House is already looking very different to its initial line-up. We’ve had four original Housemates evicted already, and three Intruders have gone in to pad the numbers back up. Tonight we take steps towards fixing that problem as we’re going to evict two Housemates!

[Audience goes crazy.]

Feral: That’s right, it’s a surprise double eviction tonight, which we forgot to mention at the end of last week because I was so tired, so hold on to your pantaloons. The Housemates have no idea, and of course none of you had any idea, either.

[She turns to face another camera, taking on a gentler tone as if she’s now talking to a group of retarded children.]

Feral: I hope no one’s skipping ahead to see who gets evicted before they read the whole episode through, because that’d be a real shame and a complete waste of my time for going to all the trouble of setting up this entire show. Do you know how much editing goes into putting this thing together? I mean, really! Try to experience it the way nature (and Big Blogger) intended … in chronological order.

[Audience members look around at each other in bewilderment. Who’d skip ahead to read the ending first? What a silly thing to do! Pfft!]

Feral: [Clears her throat] So anyway, let’s get underway by jumping back to last Wednesday night, right after Javatari’s shock eviction.

[Cut to video footage of the House immediately after Javatari was evicted last Wednesday night. The Housemates are still facing the door, silently contemplating Javatari’s parting threats. Tammiodo is looking a little flushed.]

Steph: [Breaking the silence] Well! [Pause. It’s clear she has prepared nothing else to follow that.]

[The Housemate slowly turn and walk back into the kitchen, where they all stand around looking a bit stunned. Eventually, Tyson catches RichardWatts’ eye and they both start to snigger. This catches on, and before long the entire group of Housemates are laughing uncontrollably. The audience begins to catch the laughing bug just by watching the Housemates laugh, and join in. After about five minutes, the Housemates gradually calm down.]

Magical_M: [Wiping away her tears] Oh, he was a funny guy, wasn’t he.

Dxxxx: I thought he was sweet. In a strange way.

Tammiodo: I liked him. [They all look at her meaningfully. She blushes.] Just ‘liked’, okay? He kissed me, remember.

MelbourneGirl: I saw the way he kissed you, girl. You didn’t fight it!

[Tammiodo laughs.]

Tammiodo: Yeah, he’s a sweetie. We talked today about me joining his magic act.

Steph: Oooh! Would you be wearing a leotard or something?

Magical_M: Maybe a bikini?

Tammiodo: Um, he didn’t say.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Whoa, watch out, girlie. It could be quite objectifying.

Steph: [Dreamily] Mmm, lucky girl …

[Audrey & The Bad Apples rolls her eyes. The guys laugh.]

Feral: [Voice over] That evening, the Housemates enjoyed their post-eviction spa on behalf of Javatari.

[Cut to the Housemates in the spa late at night, mostly-hidden by all the steam.]

Gav: I wonder what Javatari’s doing right now.

TOBYtoby: Probably turning water into wine.

[They laugh.]

RichardWatts: I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s just signed on to open for David Copperfeel’s next tour!

Tammiodo: Well he’d better wait for me, then!

[They all laugh again.]

[Cut back to Feral in the studio.]

Feral: We’ll return to the House in just a minute, but first it’s time to say hello once again to our evictee from last week. Please put your hands together for Javatari!

[Audience puts its hands together in one massive ‘clap’ noise; the ensuing silence as they stand with their hands together deafening in comparison. Javatari descends from somewhere amongst the rafters, slowly floating down to join Feral on the couch. They sit.]

Feral: Welcome, Javatari. That’s quite a trick!

Javatari: Thank you, but it is nothing compared to what you manage to do every time you step in front of the camera.

Feral: Er, and just what is that?

Javatari: All the make-up you lather onto your face to hide the wrinkles.

[There is an uncomfortable pause, during which the audience holds its collective breath. Feral narrows her eyes at Javatari for an awkward moment before deciding to laugh it off. The audience releases its collective breath, collectively glad.]

Feral: Ha. Ha. Ha. Very droll.

[Javatari looks around, slightly puzzled.]

Feral: So tell me, what’s your week been like?

Javatari: All things considered, I cannot complain. I have had a reasonably acceptable week, filled with many interviews and photo shoots, and it has certainly been an interesting experience.

Feral: Are you sorry to be out of the House?

Javatari: Not at all. It turns out I was evicted at the best possible time.

Feral: Oh? And why’s that?

Javatari: Because I found out this morning that the second season of the new series of Battlestar Galactica is finally coming to TV at 11:05pm next Wednesday night, 2nd August on Network Ten. I don’t want to miss that, even though I’ve probably read up on the whole season online already.

Feral: Um … okaaaaay …

Javatari: Also, I was in the House for an adequate period of time for my considerable skill with the dark arts to be noticed by certain entertainment companies on the outside, so I have been hounded by offers of employment these past few days.

Feral: Oh! That’s excellent!

Javatari: Yes. I do not know if I will take on the hosting gig of Bert’s Family Feud, though. I don’t think I have the right name for it.

Feral: No. I can see the problem there. Anyway, have people been asking you about Tammiodo?

Javatari: Negative. On the contrary, I’ve been asked more often about LittleFaerieGirl than anyone else. It seems people think we’d make a good couple.

Feral: Well, you had an interesting relationship with LittleFaerieGirl, didn’t you.

Javatari: Yes. We were like brother and sister.

Feral: That’s right.

Javatari: She was the sister.

Feral: Got it.

Javatari: I thought all the Housemates were lovely people, and I’ve reversed most of the curses I placed on them when I saw who nominated me last week.

Feral: So you’re over the initial anger now?

Javatari: That is correct.

Feral: I’m glad to hear it. Just one more thing before you go; could you do a trick for us?

[Audience begins to chant for Javatari.]

Javatari: Hmm. I think I could manage that.

Feral: Oooh, excellent! Stand back, everyone!

[Javatari stands up as the audience pushes back so they don’t get any magical pixie dust on their clothes. With a flourish, Javatari pulls an elephant out of his sleeve. It is a full-grown African elephant, and it is so startled by its sudden arrival under lights and before such a huge crowd of people who are now cheering and screaming in delighted surprise, that it defecates all over the stage.]

Javatari: Ta-da!

Feral: [Struggling to be heard above the amazed and very vocal crowd] Wow! That is amazing! How’d you do it?

Javatari: A magician never reveals his secrets.

Feral: Go on.

Javatari. Oh, okay. I had him in my pocket the whole time.

Feral: That is truly terrific. Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Javatari!

[Audience goes ‘spazzo’ while Javatari draws a door in mid-air, turns the handle, walks through, and disappears into another dimension. Stage hands try to lead the elephant offstage while ninjas are called in to clean up the huge pile of sloppy elephant droppings.]

Ninja: Ergh! This is disgusting! But it’s also so awesome!

Stage Manager: Shut up, Adam! Just clean it up.

Feral: Alright, now it’s time to go back to the House and watch the rest of the week’s activities.

[Cut to footage of the Housemates walking around in the kitchen during daylight.]

Feral: [Voice over] It’s 9:48am, and the Housemates have just finished cleaning up after breakfast.

Magical_M: I think I’m gonna have a swim. Do you wanna come?

RichardWatts: Me?

Magical_M: Yeah.

RichardWatts: Sure!

Magical_M: [Whispering] I’ll wear my skimpiest bikini …

RichardWatts: [Looking a little uncomfortable] Uh, okay …

[Cut to footage of the pool, where RichardWatts is swimming alone. Magical_M approaches the pool, wrapped in a beach towel.]

Magical_M: How is it?

RichardWatts: It’s great! So refreshing! [Magical_M lets her towel drop to the tiles] You’ve won’t belie—

[For a moment, RichardWatts is stunned by just how skimpy Magical_M’s bikini really is. The camera has to pixilate various parts of her body due to the obscene nature of the outfit.]

Magical_M: What do you think? I got it just before I came into the House.

RichardWatts: Um … where from? The children’s department?

Magical_M: [Frowning] What does that mean?

RichardWatts: Just that it’s so, … well, … small!

Magical_M: [Beaming] Thanks! I hoped you’d like it!

RichardWatts: Ah, that’s not what I mean …

[But it is too late. Magical_M dives in to the pool and swims straight over to him, tickling him while she’s underwater. The two of them play-fight in the pool for about five minutes, the pixelator working overtime whenever Magical_M rises out of the water during the fun. The camera pans back to where Magical_M dove into the pool and focuses on her bikini top floating along the surface of the water. The audience – as is its wont – goes ‘Ooooooooh!’]

[Cut to later in the day. Gav and Steph are lying on a bed, talking and staring into each other’s eyes.]

Gav: What’s the quickest you’ve ever fallen in love?

Steph: Oh, wow. I dunno. Is that even possible?

Gav: Sure. I think it is.

Steph: I guess I’ve only ever fallen for funny guys, with hot arses.

Gav: Funny haha, or funny cuckoo?

Steph: [Laughs] It’s meant to be the first one, but it often ends up being the second!

[They giggle.]

Steph: Do you fall for the wrong type of girl a lot?

Gav: Nah, I’ve only fallen in love once.

Steph: Oh. How’d it work out?

Gav: I dunno. It seems to be going okay so far.

[There is a moment of electricity passing between them while they smile at each other sweetly. The audience goes ‘ahhhhhhh’ in adoration. Then Steph frowns to herself.]

Steph: Just checking; you mean me, right?

Gav: [Smiling] Yep.

Steph: [Smiling as well] Good. I just wanted to be sure before I did this.

[She leans in and kisses him passionately. The audience cheers its lungs out while they continue to kiss and kiss and kiss. Eventually, the only other Housemates in the room, Dxxxx and LittleFaerieGirl, get up to leave.]

Dxxxx: [Sighing to herself] I miss kissing.

[LittleFaerieGirl stares at her in surprise, then starts to smile to herself wickedly.]

[Cut to the sauna.]

Tyson: I’m gonna win Friday Night Live tomorrow night. I just know it.

TOBYtoby: How do you know it?

Tyson: I can just feel it. I’m all pumped and I want to get into that Rewards Room.

TOBYtoby: Yeah, me too. If either of us wins, we should agree to take the other.

Tyson: Sorry, dude. If I win, I’m taking Audrey in. Oh. Sorry, man.

TOBYtoby: What? Oh, that’s alright. We’ve talked. It’s cool, man. You go for it.

Tyson: So who you gonna take in if you win?

TOBYtoby: Well, I guess if you’re gonna take Audrey, I’d better set my sights on one of the girls.

Tyson: Magical_M’s a hotttie.

TOBYtoby: Yeah, absolutely. I can’t believe none of the guys have hooked up with her yet.

Tyson: I think she has her eye on RichardWatts, though – so he might make a move on her.

TOBYtoby: Oh. So who’s left? MelbourneGirl is taken, you’ve got Audrey, Steph and Gav are probably hooking up, LittleFaerieGirl and Dxxxx cancel each other out, and Tammiodo kissed Javatari before he left!

Tyson: Hmm, looks like you’re on your own, man! [Laughs]

TOBYtoby: Ah, that sucks! I’m the odd one out! [Laughs]

[Cut to Magical_M and RichardWatts in the pool. Magical_M is now twirling her bikini bottoms around her finger over her head while smiling at RichardWatts.]

Magical_M: Yoo-hoo?

RichardWatts: [To himself] Oh boy.

[Cut to the dining room that night. The Housemates are gathered together for their evening meal.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. TOBYtoby, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where TOBYtoby sits waiting.]

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: It is time for your next Insider task.

TOBYtoby: [Frustrated] Far out!

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: Your record on your Insider tasks so far has been abysmal.

TOBYtoby: [Laughing] Yeah, I know! Thanks for reminding me!

Big Blogger: Every week you’ve been in the House, you’ve been automatically up for aviction due to your failure at your Insider tasks. [TOBYtoby doesn’t say anything.] So Big Blogger has decided to make it easy for you this week. [TOBYtoby begins to look hopeful.] All you have to do this week is start an argument that will prevent one of the new relationships that are beginning to develop in the House from getting any further. You can choose from either Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tyson, Gav and Steph, or LittleFaerieGirl and Dxxxx.

TOBYtoby: Not Magical_M and RichardWatts?

Big Blogger: No.

TOBYtoby: Hmm, that’s a tough one.

Big Blogger: You must decide now which relationship you are going to break up. You have ten seconds to decide.

TOBYtoby: Ah, man. [Thinks for a moment.] Um, I think I’ll choose … oh, boy … they’re all so close now … um …

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, your time is up. Which couple will you attempt to break up?

TOBYtoby: Ah, I’ll go with Steph and Gav.

Big Blogger: TOBYtoby, you have three days to break up Gav and Steph’s relationship.

TOBYtoby: Okay.

Big Blogger: You may not let any of your Housemates know what you are doing.

TOBYtoby: Yup.

Big Blogger: If you are successful in your task, you will be exempt from nominations this week. Failure will result in you being automatically nominated. Do you understand?

TOBYtoby: Yes, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: That is all.

Feral: [Voice over] And so began TOBYtoby’s attempts to secretly sabotage Gav and Steph’s newfound love.

[Cut to late that night. Gav and Steph are alone in the spa. TOBYtoby comes out of the House and walks towards the spa.]

TOBYtoby: Hey guys, can I join you?

Gav: [Clearly meaning ‘no’] Sure.

Steph: [Obviously meaning ‘oh crap’] Fantastic.

[TOBYtoby jumps in and tries to squeeze in between them, but Gav has one arm around Steph’s shoulder, so TOBYtoby is unable to pry them apart. Instead, he sits on the other side of the spa, facing the couple.]

TOBYtoby: So! You guys been out here long?

Gav: Yeah, we were just about to head in, actually.

TOBYtoby: Oh.

[Cut to Gav and Steph wrapped in towels, walking through the House to the bedroom.]

Steph: [Whispering to Gav] I can’t believe he wanted to join us! [They laugh.]

[Cut to early the next morning, in the bedroom. TOBYtoby is watching Gav and Steph from his bed against the opposite wall. He is clearly lost in thought while Steph and Gav lay sleeping in each other’s arms, smiling blissfully.]

[Cut to TOBYtoby in the Diary Room. He has a pained expression on his face.]

TOBYtoby: I don’t think I’m going to be able to pass this task, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: Why not?

TOBYtoby: Because they’re too ‘lovey-dovey’ already. I didn’t realise how much they were into each other.

Big Blogger: Why didn’t you select another couple, then?

TOBYtoby: I wish I did! I didn’t know Gav and Steph were pretty much an item already. Can I change couples for this task?

Big Blogger: No.

[TOBYtoby hangs his head in despair. He really is looking quite ill. The audience is laughing at him, although there is a fair degree of sympathetic ‘Ohhhhh’s in there as well.]

Feral: [Voice over] That evening, all missions and frustrations were forgotten as the Games came out to play.

[Cut to the bedroom, where all the Housemates are dressed up as ghosts and are wearing bike helmets.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Housemates, welcome to Friday Night Live. The theme for this Friday Night Live is … Ghosts and Ghouls.

[While we hear Big Blogger continue, we are shown various clips of the Housemates competing in games and tasks involving giant ghost-related props, unknown messy substances, and a trophy at the end for the winner.]

Big Blogger: Housemates will begin in teams, but there will be only one winner. The last remaining Housemate will win four prizes; the Friday Night Live trophy, the right to affect nominations, two nights in the Rewards Room with a Housemate of your choice, and the three boxes. Housemates, prepare to spook. Tyson, TOBYtoby, Dxxxx, Steph … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare to scare. RichardWatts, Magical_M, LittleFaerieGirl … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Remaining Housemates, prepare to frighten. MelbourneGirl, Gav … you are out of tonight’s games. Go to the loser’s bench. Audrey & The Bad Apples, Tammiodo … you are about to compete in the final of tonight’s games. The winner will be the Housemate who can throw miniature ghosts at the children’s heads as they pop up from under their bedcovers. Prepare to freak out the children. Audrey & The Bad Apples, you are the winner of Friday Night Live. Congratulations. Approach the winner’s podium and collect your trophy. Losing Housemates, celebrate your champion.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yay! [Laughs as everyone surrounds her and lifts her up onto their shoulders.] Woo-hoo! [She holds her trophy – a miniature golden scary mask (like the one in the film Scream) on a block of wood – above her head.]

[Cut to footage of the Friday Night Live desk.]

Mike: Fantastic, that’s another girl who’s won the Games! You must be happy about that, Whee!

Whee Um-ah: I sure am! I wonder who she’ll take into the Rewards Room with her! I say it’ll be Tyson for sure!

Mike: I wonder what Professor Ditzy thinks ...

Gerald ‘Ditzy’ Fitzryan: Ah, he pretty much thinks "Wot?", Mikey.

Mike: I see. Well, it’s almost a certainty that it’ll be Tyson, so let’s pop down the House and find out!

[Cut to Audrey & The Bad Apples in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, who do you choose to take to the Rewards Room, and why?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I’m gonna choose Tammiodo [audience reacts in shock] because Tyson’s already been in it, and Tammiodo’s new and I think she did a great job of coming second.

[Cut to Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tammiodo in the Rewards Room, facing the three boxes.]

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, which box do you choose?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I choose box two, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: You may open box number two now.

[She does so.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Reading off a card] “You have won a bowlful of steamed cabbage with every meal for a week.”

Tammiodo: Errgh!! Disgusting!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: That is foul.

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, the steamed cabbage is yours to keep.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: <BEEP>in’ fantastic!

Big Blogger: You may check the other boxes now.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Opening box one and reading off a card] “You have won a well-made sandwich on healthy bread with baby spinach, fresh tomato, cheese, sprouts, apple, carrot and maybe some hommous with every meal for a week.” Oh, yum!

Tammiodo: That sounds delicious!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Opening box three and reading off a card] “You have won a worldwide trip to New York, Dublin, Berlin, Barcelona, Rome, Athens, Paris – including tours away from the big cities to other areas of each country!”

Tammiodo: Oh, man – that’s such a massive prize! What a trip that’d be!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Don’t remind me! [Yelling at the ceiling] Big Blogger, that’s just cruel!

[Cut to the outdoor dining setting, where the other Housemates are having dinner after the Games.]

Magical_M: [Flirting something chronic] Ooh! There are no more chairs!

RichardWatts: Yeah there is – there’s one right over th—

Magical_M: I’ll just have to sit here! [She sits on his lap and smiles at him seductively. He grins awkwardly and tries to turn back to his meal as much as possible. It gets very weird for a while.]

TOBYtoby: [To Gav and Steph, who are whispering as they offer forkfuls of food to each other] Hey, why don’t you guys ever talk to anyone else?

Gav: What’s the matter, TOBYtoby? You’ve been acting all weird for a couple of days now.

Steph: Yeah, we’re not bothering anyone.

TOBYtoby: [Flustered and angry] After the way he talks about you, I’m just surprised you’re interested, that’s all.

Gav: The way I talk about her? How do I talk about her?

Steph: You’re so full of <BEEP>, TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Whatever. [He gets up and leaves.]

Gav: Don’t listen to him; he’s talking crap.

Steph: I know; I reckon there’s something wrong with him or something.

[Dxxxx and LittleFaerieGirl are making out at the end of the table.]

[Cut to TOBYtoby in the Diary Room.]

TOBYtoby: I’m not gonna be able to pass this task, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: You still have time to succeed.

TOBYtoby: Nah, I forfeit. I’m losing friendships and it’s causing me troubles. I accept that I’ve failed. Again.

Big Blogger: [Pause] Very well. You have failed your latest Insider mission. You will automatically be up for nomination this week. That is all.

[TOBYtoby exits the Diary Room and goes to pout in the bedroom on his own.]

[Cut to the outdoor dining setting again. Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tammiodo stick their heads out of the Rewards Room, their mouths and hands full of delicious food and drinks.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Hey! Look what we got!

Tammiodo: Yeah! This stuff is great!

[The other Housemates stop their conversations and look at the two girls in silent surprise.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Don’t you wish you guys had some of this stuff? [They both laugh.]

MelbourneGirl: Yeah, kind of.

Tammiodo: Yes you do!

LittleFaerieGirl: [Only half kidding] You don’t have to taunt us with it, you know!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Heehee! I’m gonna go back inside and have some more champagne.

Dxxxx: [Under her breath] Yeah, sounds like you need it.

[The other Housemates laugh quietly to themselves while Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tammiodo go back inside the Rewards Room.]

RichardWatts: That was a bit unnecessary, wasn’t it?

Magical_M: Don’t worry about them, hon. You’ve got everything you could possibly need right here!

[RichardWatts looks skeptically at the food on the table – bread and sardines with water to drink – and is about to scoff … but then he catches the glint in Magical_M’s eye and realises what she means. He looks uncomfortable again.]

Tyson: [Trying to defend Audrey & The Bad Apples] I don’t think they meant it to be mean.

Dxxxx: Are you kidding? What other purpose could it possibly have had?

Tyson: I think they were just excited, that’s all.

Steph: Yeah, well … nice attitude!

Feral: [Voice over] So while some Housemates were rocking the boat by being so outgoing, another Housemate was struggling with the question of just how ‘out’ he should be going.

[Cut to RichardWatts in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: RichardWatts.

RichardWatts: Big Blogger. [Pause.] Um, I just wanted to talk to you about how I’m finding it a bit difficult to bond with the guys in the House. I don’t seem to have much in common with them, and they’re not embracing me as much as the girls have embraced Tammiodo and Dxxxx.

Big Blogger: Do you think this is simply due to the differences between men and women?

RichardWatts: Maybe.

[Pause.]

Big Blogger: Is there something else troubling you?

RichardWatts: Um, just that no one here seems to have realised I’m gay.

Big Blogger: Does that bother you?

RichardWatts: Well, I’m not ashamed of being gay; let me make that perfectly clear. But I kinda thought they’d realise just by talking to me. It’s as if they’re so caught up in themselves that they’re not even thinking about anyone else. Even those they’re talking to!

[Cut to Magical_M and MelbourneGirl whispering to each other at the outdoor dining setting.]

Magical_M: I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

MelbourneGirl: Why’s that, hon?

Magical_M: I’m throwing everything I’d got at RichardWatts, and he’s just not interested.

MelbourneGirl: Maybe he’s already got a girlfriend.

Magical_M: Nah, we’re not allowed to be in a relationship when we came in here, remember? Oh. Yourself excluded, of course.

MelbourneGirl: Hehe, yeah.

Magical_M: So I don’t know what it is.

MelbourneGirl: Is it possible you’re being too subtle?

Magical_M: I got completely naked in the pool with him yesterday!

MelbourneGirl: You did??! What did he do?

Magical_M: He got a blood nose and had to run inside.

MelbourneGirl: Oooh. Not good.

Magical_M: I know. It’s so frustrating! I mean, I’m really hottt, but he’s not at all interested! I wish I knew why …

[Cut back to RichardWatts in the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Why haven’t you told the other Housemates that you’re gay?

RichardWatts: Well, I didn’t think I’d have to, at the start. And now, it’s only an issue when someone like Magical_M gets all flirty with me. And that’s an embarrassing time to be breaking the news.

Big Blogger: Perhaps you should call the Housemates together and let them know.

RichardWatts: Yeah.

Big Blogger: Would that make you uncomfortable?

RichardWatts: Nah, that’s a good idea. I didn’t like the idea of demanding so much attention for myself, but yeah – that’s what I need to do. Thanks, Big Blogger.

Big Blogger: That is all.

[Cut to the Housemates all gathered in the lounge. Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tammiodo are clearly ‘a little tipsy’, to say the least. They are all seated on the couch and RichardWatts is standing before them.]

RichardWatts: Um, I just wanted to call you all together to sort of make a little announcement.

[The Housemates are laughing and mucking around. Magical_M is especially unsuspecting, the poor misguided little dear.]

RichardWatts: I’m probably not what a lot of you have assumed. I thought this would be something that’d be obvious about me from the start, or at least that it’d come up in conversation naturally as you got to know me, but …

[The Housemates are now listening silently, except for Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tammiodo, who are trying not to burst into fits of giggles. Tyson tries to calm Audrey & The Bad Apples down by nudging her in the leg.]

RichardWatts: So anyway … I’m gay. [The Housemates try to hide their shock.] That’s who I am.

[The camera pans across the Housemates’ faces. Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tammiodo are still trying not to laugh. Tyson and TOBYtoby seem okay with the news. Dxxxx and LittleFaerieGirl are calling out supportive words of encouragement. Gav and Steph appear mildly surprised but not fussed. MelbourneGirl has her arm draped around Magical_M’s shoulders, who is hunched over, hiding her face in her hands. RichardWatts walks over to her.]

RichardWatts: You alright, Magical_M?

[Magical_M murmurs something unintelligible.]

MelbourneGirl: She’ll be okay, RichardWatts. She’s just surprised, that’s all.

RichardWatts: Yeah, I know. I wanted to tell you guys a while ago.

TOBYtoby: [Walking over] Hey, RichardWatts, nice work, man. [He shakes his hand.] That took guts.

RichardWatts: Oh, not really. I’m already ‘out’, I just had to tell you guys.

TOBYtoby: Cool, man.

Tyson: [Calling from across the room] Hey, RichardWatts! Well done, dude!

RichardWatts: [Walking over to him] Uh, thanks, Tyson.

MelbourneGirl: [As soon as RichardWatts is out of hearing range] It’s okay, hon – he’s gone.

Magical_M [Lifting her head – she is crying] I can’t believe how stupid I feel! [She drops her head back into her hands and continues to cry.]

MelbourneGirl: No, honey! How were you to know?

Steph: [Coming over] Are you okay, Magical_M?

MelbourneGirl: She’s just a little embarrassed, I think.

Magical_M: [Lifting her head again] I’m so embarrassed! How could I be so stupid? I was all over him!

Steph: Oh, don’t cry! [She sits on the other side of Magical_M and joins MelbourneGirl in comforting her.] Your make-up will run!

[Magical_M turns her head to stare at Steph through bleary eyes and a reddened face.]

Magical_M: I don’t care about my make-up!

Steph: Ooh, look at your eyes!

MelbourneGirl: They’re just red from crying.

Steph: No way – she has pink eye!

MelbourneGirl: She does not!

[Magical_M bursts into more sobbing.]

[Cut to RichardWatts talking to LittleFaerieGirl and Dxxxx.]

LittleFaerieGirl: That’s so cool, sweetie!

RichardWatts: Thanks.

Dxxxx: [Referring to Magical_M behind them.] Don’t worry about her; she’s just disappointed.

RichardWatts: Yeah …

Feral: [Voice over] Although the friendship between Magical_M and RichardWatts had taken a difficult turn, the friendship between RichardWatts, LittleFaerieGirl and Dxxxx was just beginning to blossom.

[Cut to a video montage containing multiple shots of these three Housemates hanging out together, laughing and joking around, talking, laying on the hammocks, eating breakfast together, drinking together at night, and generally having a great time as three close friends. Cut to a shot of the three of them in the spa.]

Dxxxx: Hey, I reckon the three of us could go all the way to the end!

LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah! Team Fag-Dag!

[They all laugh.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Dxxxx, for alluding to nominations, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

[Cut to Tammiodo, Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tyson sitting on the other side of the yard.]

Tammiodo: What do you think of those three?

Tyson: Trouble.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: They’re okay, but we’d better watch out. They’re a group of three who could easily vote the rest of us out.

Tammiodo: Hmm.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: It’d make things so much easier on us if we all got rid of them first.

Tyson: [Looking at her in sudden panic] Don’t sa—

Big Blogger: [Interrupting] This is Big Blogger. Audrey & The Bad Apples, for alluding to nominations, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Ah, crap. Sorry guys.

LittleFaerieGirl: [Calling out from the spa, laughing] That’s two fines in a row for the same thing! Hilarious!

Feral: [Voice over] Later in the day, Tyson took Audrey & The Bad Apples with him to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room. Tyson and Audrey & The Bad Apples are sitting in the Diary Room chair.]

Big Blogger: Tyson. Audrey & The Bad Apples.

Tyson: Big Blogger.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Hi, Big Blogger.

Tyson: Um, Big Blogger, I just wanted to bring Audrey in here to tell you how much I think she’s gorgeous!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Turning to him in surprise] Oh, babe! [She kisses him on the cheek.]

Tyson: I think she’s great and I don’t know what I’d do without her in here.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Awww.

[Audience joins Audrey & The Bad Apples in her ‘Awww’.]

Big Blogger: Is having a relationship in the House easier than remaining single?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Laughing] I don’t know! I haven’t been single in here! Almost.

Tyson: Um, it’s no easier, because I think other Housemates might target you for nomination if they feel you have an advantage.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: But it’s great to have a buddy in here you can trust.

Tyson: Oh, yeah. A love buddy! [They giggle. It really is quite sickening.]

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, what is it about Tyson that attracted you to him?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Um, pretty much the way he looked when I cleaned him up after his fight with Gav in the spa the other week.

Tyson: What, I looked pathetic and miserable and bruised?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Pretty much! [They laugh again and kiss.]

Big Blogger: Tyson, what is it about Audrey & The Bad Apples that attracted you to her?

Tyson: Oh, man. So many things. She’s just so ace. She’s incredible and fun and a great kisser! [They laugh and kiss some more. This really is getting to be too much.] Oh, and her name is perfect.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: My name?

Big Blogger: What do you mean?

Tyson: [He’s clearly been sitting on this punchline for a while] Well, she’s Audrey & The Bad Apples, right? And I firmly believe that … every good boy deserves fruit!

[The two of them break up into raucous laughter and start kissing some more, so we cut away from them as quickly as we can.]

Feral: [Voice over] But it wasn’t all fun and games. Before the Housemates knew it, it was time to nominate again.

[Cut to the lounge. The Housemates are all gathered on the couch.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. This week, the Intruders are now full Housemates. This means everyone can nominate, and everyone can be nominated.

[Pause while this sinks in.]

Big Blogger: Housemates. It’s time to nominate. Audrey & The Bad Apples to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room, where we see quick flashes of most people’s nominations.]

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, who do you nominate for two points for aviction, and why?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I nominate Magical_M for two points, Big Blogger.

RichardWatts: Audrey & The Bad Apples.

Tyson: LittleFaerieGirl.

Steph: Tammiodo.

Magical_M: Audrey & The Bad Apples.

Tammiodo: LittleFaerieGirl.

Gav: Audrey & The Bad Apples.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I just haven’t been able to get to know her this whole time, and I find her hotttness a threat. I think if she continues in this game, the public is going to want her to stay in this House over me.

Steph: She didn’t make a good impression the other night when she and Audrey & The Bad Apples teased us with the food and drink they had in the Rewards Room. I think that was uncalled for and mean.

Magical_M: Audrey & The Bad Apples was just cruel when she called out to us from the Rewards Room about all the stuff they had in there. That wasn’t very nice to the rest of us who had to do without.

Big Blogger: Who do you nominate for one point for aviction, and why?

MelbourneGirl: Tammiodo.

TOBYtoby: Magical_M.

Dxxxx: Tammiodo.

Steph: Audrey & The Bad Apples.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: LittleFaerieGirl.

LittleFaerieGirl: TOBYtoby.

[Cut to the lounge. All Housemates are assembled on the couch, awaiting Big Blogger’s first nominations announcement.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. This week's nominated Housemates are: Magical_M … and … Audrey & The Bad Apples … and … LittleFaerieGirl … and … Tammiodo.

[The Housemates react with shock at this news.]

Magical_M: Of course.

Gav: Yes! I wasn’t nominated! [To TOBYtoby] And neither were you!

[TOBYtoby tries to look pleased, although he knows what’s coming.]

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, to the Diary Room.

[Cut to the Diary Room.]

Big Blogger: Audrey & The Bad Apples, as winner of Friday Night Live, you will now exercise the most important part of your prize. Who do you wish to deduct three points from, and why.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I’d like to deduct the points from myself, please, Big Blogger. I’d love to save Tammiodo as well, but I want to be in this House for as long as I possibly can.

Big Blogger. Go back to the lounge and say nothing of this to your Housemates.

Feral: [Voice over] For the second week in a row, nothing changed after the three point twist was exercised. Audrey & The Bad Apples still had enough nomination votes to keep her in the running. But, as always, Big Blogger added TOBYtoby to the nominated Housemates for failing his Insider mission earlier in the week.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The Housemates up for aviction this week are … Magical_M … and … Audrey & The Bad Apples … and … LittleFaerieGirl … and … Tammiodo … and … TOBYtoby. That is all.

Gav: [To TOBYtoby] Oh, man – sorry!

TOBYtoby: Don’t worry. I’ve come to expect it.

Magical_M: Me too. [She appears quite glum.]

[Audrey & The Bad Apples and Tammiodo are sitting in shocked silence. Tyson tries to encourage them both.]

Tyson: Don’t worry, guys, you won’t be evicted, People are going to love all of us!

Dxxxx: Are okay, sweetie?

LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah. It’s gonna be me, I just know it.

Feral: [Voice over] So five Housemates were nominated, and two of them are about to be evicted.

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is carrying on like a pack of tools.]

Feral: Okay! So who’s going to be evicted tonight? Will it be Magical_M? [The audience cheers in support of Magical_M.] TOBYtoby? [The audience cheers in support of TOBYtoby.] LittleFaerieGirl? [The audience cheers in support of LittleFaerieGirl.] Tammiodo? [The audience cheers in support of Tammiodo.] Audrey & The Bad Apples? [The audience cheers in support of Audrey & The Bad Apples.] Remember, the House doesn’t know it’s a double eviction! Let’s head straight down to the House to find out who’s going to join me on stage first.

[Cut to live footage of the Housemates all lined up on the couch, the five in the middle fidgeting and looking worried. The audience goes crazy.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Whoa! / hello / Hi, Feral! / etc.

Feral: How are you all going?

Housemates: Great / good thank you / okay / alright / etc.

Feral: Let’s get straight into talking to our nominated Housemates, because there are five of you!

Housemates: Oooh! / I know, it’s crazy / yeah / etc.

Feral: Who’ve we got there? Let’s start with Magical_M.

Magical_M: Hi Feral. [Audience cheers for Magical_M.]

Feral: How are you doing today?

Magical_M: Oh, okay. Better than the other day. [She smiles.]

Feral: Yes of course, because the other day you found out why RichardWatts wasn’t interested in you. [Camera shows a shot of RichardWatts sitting with Dxxxx and smiling apologetically down the line at Magical_M.]

Magical_M: Yeah. Oh well. Can’t be helped.

Feral: No, I guess not. So do you think you’ll be going tonight?

Magical_M: Probably. I keep being nominated, so I guess it’s just a matter of time.

Feral: Well, we’ll soon see. Good luck.

Magical_M: Thanks, Feral.

Feral: Okay, next along the line is? Ah, it’s LittleFaerieGirl.

LittleFaerieGirl: Hello. [Audience cheers for LittleFaerieGirl.]

Feral: Now you’ve had a pretty interesting week, haven’t you!

LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah, me and Dxxxx have been getting along pretty well. [Her massive smile belies her understated words.] And we’ve gotten to know RichardWatts a lot, too.

Feral: Yes, and I hear you guys have a name for the three of you?

[RichardWatts and Dxxxx start to laugh.]

LittleFaerieGirl: [Laughing] Yeah, we’re Team Fag-Dag.

[The other Housemates all laugh as well.]

Feral: I see!

LittleFaerieGirl: No one breaks up Team Fag-Dag!

Feral: Okay, well I hope for your sake the public agrees! Good luck.

LittleFaerieGirl: Thanks Feral.

Feral: Now, Tammiodo.

Tammiodo: Hi Feral! [Audience cheers for Tammiodo.] How ya going?

Feral: I’m well. But what about you? First week you can possibly be nominated and you’re the only former Intruder to get nominated! Does that worry you?

Tammiodo: Um, not until you put it like that! [They all laugh.]

Feral: Sorry, I don’t mean to make you paranoid!

Tammiodo: Nah, it’s just part of the game, I guess. We all have to nominate, so everyone’s bound to be nominated at some stage.

Feral: Well, hopefully your time in the House isn’t up just yet. I wish you all the best tonight.

Tammiodo: Thank you!

Feral: Alright, so who’s next? Audrey & The Bad Apples.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Hi there. [Audience cheers for Audrey & The Bad Apples.]

Feral: First, I want to congratulate you on winning Friday Night Live! [Audience cheers for Audrey & The Bad Apples again.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Thank you, that was so much fun!

Feral: And did you enjoy the Rewards Room?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: A little too much, apparently.

[Some of the other Housemates chuckle, but not all of them.]

Feral: I notice you’re wearing new clothes tonight, did you find your suitcase?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: No, this is something Tammiodo loaned me. Do you know where my suitcase is? [Audience begins to chant “TOBYtoby, TOBYtoby”. Audrey & The Bad Apples turns to look at him suspiciously, and he pales significantly.]

Feral: [Covering for the audience giving it away, yells out at the crowd] Yes, alright, we’re getting to him next! I’m just asking Audrey & The Bad Apples another question, first!

[TOBYtoby shrugs and Audrey & The Bad Apples turns back to Feral on the screen.]

Feral: Oh! Sorry about that. The crowd’s just eager to get through everybody so we can have our eviction.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Okay. Um, … no, I haven’t found my suitcase.

Feral: Well, I hope you find it soon. Good luck tonight.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Thanks Feral.

Feral: And now we can talk to TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Hi Feral. [Audience cheers for TOBYtoby.] Wow, I must be popular!

Feral: Something like that. Are you feeling confident about tonight?

TOBYtoby: Well, I am now!

Feral: I wouldn’t read too much into their reactions, if I were you. There are a lot more people out there voting than there are in here, I can assure you.

TOBYtoby: [Suitably put back in his place] Yeah, true.

Feral: Well, we may be seeing you over here very soon, so good luck.

TOBYtoby: Thanks.

Feral: Good luck to everyone.

Housemates: Cheers / thanks, Feral / thank you / etc.

Feral: I’m being handed the envelope, so we’re only seconds away from finding out who’s been evicted. [Audience starts to get really loud.] Here we go … It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, LittleFaerieGirl!

[Audience goes absolutely nuts. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

Dxxxx: Noooooo! [She runs to LittleFaerieGirl and hugs her.]

LittleFaerieGirl: It’s alright.

RichardWatts: That sucks. Team Fag-Dag! Destroyed!

LittleFaerieGirl: [Laughing] Yeah. Oh well.

Steph: Oh, I’m so sorry, LittleFaerieGirl! [She tries to hug LittleFaerieGirl, but Dxxxx still hasn’t let go.]

Magical_M: I’m gonna miss you, babe.

LittleFaerieGirl: Yeah, me too.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. LittleFaerieGirl, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

[LittleFaerieGirl finally pries Dxxxx loose and begins to say goodbye to the other Housemates.]

LittleFaerieGirl: I’ve had a great time with you all! Thanks so much for everything!

Dxxxx: Enjoy yourself tonight!

Tyson: Bye, Javatari. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Gav: See ya later, LittleFaerieGirl.

Steph: Don’t be sad. I think you’re great. Bye!

MelbourneGirl: Bye.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Bye.

Magical_M: Have a great time, okay?

TOBYtoby: We’ll see you out there soon.

Tammiodo: See ya.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. LittleFaerieGirl, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

[LittleFaerieGirl walks to the door, turns and waves to the Housemates. The door opens and she steps through, walking down the corridor beyond the door without looking back. The door closes behind her.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Okay, LittleFaerieGirl is on her way to join me on stage, but before that, let’s cross back to the House for our second live eviction.

[Cut back to the House, where the Housemates are all still standing near the door, wide-eyed and shocked.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Whoa! / again? / etc.

Feral: Yes, again. It’s time for a second eviction.

[The Housemates sit back down on the couch. The remaining four nominated Housemates start to look very pale once again.]

Feral: I’m being handed the second envelope … Alright, I’ve got it. Let’s see who else is being ripped out of the House tonight. [Audience gets even louder than before. Are they using megaphones or something?]

Feral: It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the remaining nominated Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Audrey & The Bad Apples!

[Audience goes into spasms of joy. The Housemates are stunned. Tyson looks especially upset. Tammiodo hugs Audrey & The Bad Apples as the other Housemates begin to gather around them and console her.]

Steph: Wow! I never would have guessed it.

Gav: [To Steph] Yeah, I thought she was really popular.

TOBYtoby: [Stiffly] See ya soon, Aud.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Thanks. [They hug awkwardly.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Audrey & The Bad Apples, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Gav: See ya, buddy.

Magical_M: Bye!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Audrey & The Bad Apples, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

Tyson: C’mere. [He lifts her chin and kisses her passionately for a few seconds.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Reluctantly breaking the kiss] Yummy. [To everyone else] See ya!

Tammiodo: Thanks for everything!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Leaving] Bye everyone! Be good! [The door closes behind her.]

[Cut back to Feral on stage]

Feral: We’ll be seeing Audrey & The Bad Apples in a minute, but first, let’s welcome our fifth Big Blogger Evictee to the stage: LittleFaerieGirl!

[Audience imitates a flock of galahs. LittleFaerieGirl walks down the gang plank and greets Feral on stage.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Hello Feral! Hello everyone!

Feral: Hi! It’s great to see you! Congratulations!

LittleFaerieGirl: Wow, thank you. [They sit, and the audience stops its screaming.]

Feral: So tell me, what are you thinking?

LittleFaerieGirl: Wow, um. I don’t know. This is mind-blowing!

Feral: [Laughing] It’s pretty surreal, isn’t it. Well, while you catch your breath, I’ll just tell you that later on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils, you’re going to see who nominated you.

LittleFaerieGirl: Okay.

Feral: But right now we’re going to look at the votes. This graph shows both the ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’ options. [Graph appears on screen. Feral stares at it in confused silence for a few seconds.] Okay, you got it?

LittleFaerieGirl: Um …

Feral: [Moving on quickly] Excellent. So now I’m going to give you your prizes!

[That statement quickly eradicates any doubt from LittleFaerieGirl’s mind about the graph.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Oooh!

Feral: And here you are; a packet of hair-ties from backstage … sorry, they’ve been opened, I needed one earlier … and a day-old chicken parma!

[Audience cheers.]

LittleFaerieGirl: Er, thank you …

Feral: Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Five, LittleFaerieGirl!

[Audience applauds as LittleFaerieGirl leaves the stage smiling and waving to the audience.]

Feral: Okay, now let’s welcome to the stage our second evictee for the night: Audrey & The Bad Apples!

[Audience goes troppo again. Audrey & The Bad Apples walks down the gang plank and greets Feral on stage.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Hello, Feral! Hello everyone!

[Audience does that ‘Toyota’ jump. You know the one. At the end of their commercials where they freeze in mid-air.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Boy, this feels really bizarre being up here on stage with you.

Feral: Did you think you’d be evicted tonight? [They sit, and the audience un-freezes and lands on the floor.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Um, not really. I was a little surprised, to be honest. But it’s okay, it’s up to the public.

[The audience cheers in support of Audrey & The Bad Apples.]

Feral: Well, you’re certainly very loved, don’t worry about that! Anyway, you’re going to be on the interview circuit with LittleFaerieGirl from tomorrow morning, and you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils later tonight.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oooh, that’ll be exciting.

Feral: You’d think so, wouldn’t you. Anyway, he’ll show you who nominated you, but right now let’s look at your graph. [A different graph appears on screen.] Okay, so there’s both ‘Vote to Evict’ and ‘Vote to Save’ this year.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Right …

Feral: [Pause; Feral is clearly hoping the graph will make sense to her this time, but it doesn’t.] Anyway, I’ll send you a print-out of the graph later.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oh. Okay.

Feral: So did you enjoy your time in the Big Blogger House?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oh, absolutely! It was great fun!

Feral: And you can get your suitcase back, now.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: [Her eyes light up] Is it here?

Feral: Yep. Did you know Big Blogger has an Insider in the House?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Oooh! No! Who is it?

Feral: TOBYtoby. [Audrey & The Bad Apples looks shocked.] And he took your suitcase the other week. [Audrey & The Bad Apples’ eyes bug out in surprise and anger.] And he grabbed some of LittleFaerieGirl’s clothes as well. [Audrey & The Bad Apples begins to look justified in her anger.]

Audrey & The Bad Apples: I knew it! That little <BEEP>!

Feral: [Laughing] He wasn’t allowed to tell you, and he was instructed to grab all of LittleFaerieGirl’s belongings, but grabbed your suitcase by mistake.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: What a lying <BEEP>!

[The audience laughs.]

Feral: Well, on that note it’s time to go. I just have to quickly give you your prizes. Here you are; a used ticket stub from The Matrix Reloaded, and a purple texta.

[Audience cheers. Audrey & The Bad Apples looks off-stage for confirmation that Feral is being serious.]

Feral: Let’s hear it for Evictee Number Six, Audrey & The Bad Apples!

[Audience continues to applaud as Audrey & The Bad Apples exits the stage waving uncertainly.]

Feral: Alright, that’s the end of tonight’s show. The Housemates weren’t expecting a double eviction tonight, and the surprises don’t end there! Stay tuned sometime between now and next Wednesday’s eviction for the MEGA-TWIST that’s been advertised in the sidebar all season. It’s gonna be a ripper, so make sure you check back sometime over the weekend or into the new week for the next exciting installment! I’m Feral Killmen, and you’re reading Big Blogger … where six Housemates are out of the House, but the biggest surprises are just around the corner! Good night!

[Audience gets jiggy with it.]

Mike: [Voice over] Tune in next week to see who’ll become our seventh Evictee, but we’ll be back before that to give you a MEGA-TWIST episode! Remember, you need to vote for the House you want to imagine; not the House you’d want to live in. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.


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Surprise! We Hate You!

Ta-da!

Big Brother surprised the Housemates tonight with a mid-week eviction. Now why did none of the dunderheads who work on the show at "Dreamworld on the Gold Coast" think that perhaps the screaming crowd might just alert the Housemates to what was going on? Do none of these people have a brain cell between them?

If they can't bribe or threaten the crowd to be silent, then they shouldn't have the House and the eviction stage / makeshift outdoor 'studio' so close together. I've never been there to see exactly how far apart the two really are, so it may very well be that placing the two complexes further apart is literally impossible. But as every Housemate so far this season (and all the others) has mentioned how the cheers of the eviction crowds can be heard from the House, why did they do nothing about this? Some of us were hoping to see some genuine surprise on the faces of the cooped-up victims Housemates when Big Brother announced the news of the eviction, and although it seemed to be real surprise we were witnessing, we found out later that they'd already worked out what was going on.

In fact, the moment they crossed to the House (before Big Brother had yet spoken), the first thing we heard was Jamie hypothesising that they were "going to do something different tonight", meaning that they knew something was up. It'd therefore be a logical jump to assuming (or even just guessing) that there was about to be an eviction. So that's all very deflating, in terms of the whole thing actually being a surprise.

And the result wasn't much of a surprise, either.




Chris did himself no favours at all when he argued with Camilla in such nasty tones and using such harsh terms the other night. I'm not sure what made him think he was justified in doing so (he was still unapologetic and adament that he was right over 24 hours later, as we saw on tonight's Daily Show as the two of them snuggled in bed), but maybe it was a last-ditched effort to have people keep him in the House for the drama of it all. Unlikely, though. If that's what he thought would work, he's an idiot. He knew Camilla was odds-on favourite to win, so he could have picked a smarter battle if that's what he was after. It looks like he's just plain dumb.

And it looks like he realises now (if he didn't before) just how ridiculous it was to pick a fight with Camilla (of all people), and especially to call her names the way he did. Coupled together with his 'fat chicks with confidence' line, he seems to be quite the social idiot. It's rather a shame that he's probably not going to learn any better, because now that he's a *cough-cough* celebrity, everything he says and does is going to be validated by the hordes of adoring morons who'll be following him around, telling him how great he is.

I'd much prefer that he fade into obscurity nice and quickly, perhaps having a crash course on manners and respecting others along the way, and learning one or two 'life lessons' in that regard before anyone lavished too much praise on him.

And I wish Gretel had asked Camilla if Chris' kissing technique was really "all that". Her inevitable response ('Um, I guess it was okay...") would have been wonderful!!

So fair enough. He's out. It's nothing to get upset about and I'm sure Max (and probably Jamie, although the results of the votes could surprise us, I guess) who'll go on Sunday. My tip is that it'll be David and Camilla who'll remain in the House to the very end, and Camilla's the one who'll be crowned the winner.

I'm more looking forward to seeing what goes down this Friday night on Friday Night Live. The games should be fun to watch, and seeing how much of their lost money they win back will be quite interesting.

I'll be on a plane to Sydney at the time, but will set the tape to record before we leave the house, so we can watch it on Monday when we return to Melbourne.

And then Monday night will be the big one. The finale. The end of the line. It'll free up some space on this blog for other topics I've been wanting to discuss.

In fact, within the next few weeks, most of the shows I review here will finish for the 2006 season. Lost, 24, Big Brother ... it'll be nice to be left only with Neighbours and some of the other shows that appear in the header, above, which I also want to discuss at some point (but haven't had the time recently). And to finish the Big Blogger thing, of course. I hope you'll all stay with me on that one.

Speaking of which, I'm gonna try to post Week 4 of Big Blogger at some point tomorrow, Thursday. In a worst case scenario, it may not be posted until Friday. Just so you know.

Getting back to the topic of this post, however ... Chris is out of the House, and two will go this Sunday. Friday night will see the remaining four Housemates vying for some of their lost winnings being returned to them, and tomorrow Channel Seven apparently has a Big Brother exclusive about some scandal or other. It might be worth tuning in for, and it might not. Don't say I don't give you people the choice. :)


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Everybody Needs Good Reading Material

Some of you may recall the commercials that were running on Network Ten about two months ago. They were mostly running before, during and after episodes of Neighbours, and they were promoting a special collector's book to the classic Australian soapie (in conjunction with the Herald Sun).

Well, needless to say, I ordered myself a copy, and it arrived around three weeks later. Here's a picture of it:




Now, I was a little concerned that the money I was paying for it ($24.95 including postage and handling) was going to be wasted, especially as I was buying it sight-unseen. I had no idea of the quality, the number of pages, the level of interesting material it covered, the depth of any 'exclusive' content, the size of the book, or anything like that. So I knew I was potentially risking my money on what might turn out to be a complete rip-off.

But I bought it anyway. (I considered it 'research' for my blog.)

Thankfully, when it arrived I was immediately impressed by its size, quality and number of pages. It's the size of an A4 sheet of paper, has glossy pages filled with many colour photos and detailed information covering the entire history of the show, and is over 220 pages in length.

I greatly enjoyed reading about the major storylines we've witnessed over the years, the many and varied characters that have featured on Ramsay Street (each and every lead character in the show's twenty year history is listed - including an 'honorable mention' being given to Bouncer!), and even some articles on behind-the-scenes aspects of the show, from scouting shootling locations, to interviews with cast members, to following a scene "from script to screen". The book even contains a complete A to Z run-down of all things Neighbours, and I particularly enjoyed the article that detailed the careers of the show's more successful alumni.

Probably my greatest (and indeed, only) issue with the book is its timing. It appears that this has been sitting on the shelf for quite a while, because although it was being sold to the public in June 2006, the events depicted in the book end abruptly with the 20th anniversary episode of the show, which aired roughly twelve months previously in mid-2005.

As such, there is no mention of the plane bombing, no reference to Robert or Cameron Robinson, no reference to Harold trying to strangle Paul, no mention of the ensuing fallout between the two men that eventually involved the lost of the General Store, and so on. That's not so bad (but it gets confusing at times as you read some of the articles and have to keep reminding yourself that the articles' writers didn't know then what we know now), but the references to current cast members is even more off-putting.

The following characters are referred to as 'current': Sindi Watts, Stuart Parker, Connor O'Neill, David Bishop, Liljana Bishop, Serena Bishop and Summer Hoyland. Even more confusingly, there is obviously no reference to the following characters: Ned Parker, Kim Timmins, Alex Kinski, Katya Kinski, Rachel Kinski, Zeke Kinski, Lucinda "Elle" Robinson, Robert Robinson, Cameron Robinson, and Charlie Hoyland (Steph & Max's baby).

In fact, Steph is not yet pregnant (instead, in one 'current' photo of the 20th anniversary episode we see new mum Kayla holding baby Ashley, who was going to be adopted out to Max & Steph until Boyd talked her out of it*), and Susan Kinski/Kennedy was still being referred to by her maiden name, Susan Smith.

* Interesting fact: Not many people realise that the 2005 guest role of Anthony Johnson (Kayla's boyfriend and baby Ashley's father -- who all eventually decided to live as a family together instead of giving Ashley up to the Hoylands) -- was portrayed by actor Adam Hunter. About eight months later he would return in the dual role of Cameron and Robert Robinson. No one in the street seemed to notice the incredible likeness between the twins and Anthony Johnson, so I guess claiming that Anthony is really the third triplet and that it's actually Elle who's the imposter would not go down too well!

True, the book is subtitled '20 Years of Ramsay Street', which would imply that it doesn't cover 2006 events, which is the show's 21st year. But it was still a little odd to be selling the book on TV as if it was a new release. Clearly it's at least six months old (but I'd say considerably older). But none of this is really a complaint.

A quick search online reveals that the book is also on sale on the official Neighbours website, if you're interested (the price is comparable), and it has probably been listed there since it actually was 'current' and new. So more fool me. But I'm not really too bothered by all this, because as an interesting read, this book is fantastic.

Now I want the 20th anniversary board game, the stamps, the 'Defining Moments' DVD and the CD (which features a little-known and impossible-to-find track by actor Stefan Dennis, better known as Paul Robinson, who jumped on the bandwagon shortly after Kylie and Jason's success on the charts ... and apparently it was a massive flop and a source of amusement now even to Dennis himself). Thankfully, my birthday is coming up soon ...

I still maintain that it was well-worth the money for any Neighbours fan (especially someone who's not too up-to-speed on some of the 'history' of the show that the characters constantly refer to in passing), and I quite enjoyed reading all the articles on the making of the show. Plus, the hairstyles and fashions being exhibited from the eighties and nineties are sometimes hilarious.

I've had a lot of fun sifting through the articles and 'boning up' on my Neighbours trivia. Knowing all that extra stuff about the show won't serve any purpose to me in the real world, but it makes me happy.

And isn't that what life's all about? Making me happy?

Yes it is.


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Two Big Characters Were Evicted From The Big Brother House Last Night (... and Claire & Krystal were also evicted)

Wifey and I were out last night, and unfortunately the tape we left running to record Big Brother's double eviction ran out just as the first evictee, Claire, finished walking down that catwalk-thing and met Gretel on stage. At that point, Chris, Max and Krystal were all still waiting in the Exit Room for find out who the second evictee was going to be.

This means we saw nothing of the Housemates' reactions to the second evictee's name being read out, the prizes the two evictees received (was it more prizes than last week?), their reunions (if any) with family and friends, and their answers to Gretel's probing questions. Although it was a little annoying to miss all of these things, we knew we could at least jump online and immediately find out who the second evictee was.

Imagine our surprise/delight, then, when we were greeted by this picture on the official Big Brother website:



It looks like Claire's thinking: "Great. So now I have to spend the next seven days touring the country doing interviews with this waste of space??" ... while Krystal's thinking: "Teeheehee, I'm purrdy! People like me! Yay for my big fake boobies that made all this possible!"

Frankly, I thought new Housemates Chris and Max would be the ones to go, although I did predict to Wifey during the week (and referred to my theory here, in both of my replies to Enny in the comments section) that I thought Claire might suffer from the same fate Gaelan did; that being that the public might resent the Housemate in question for feeling too 'safe', when in reality we haven't had an opportunity to evict them for so many weeks. In other words, the Australian public likes to send a message to such people that just because they manage to avoid nomination for a long stretch, doesn't necessarily equate to their popularity on the outside. Meanwhile, Wifey has been chomping at the bit for Krystal to get off our TV screens, and I can't say I have a problem with that scenario either. The woman is insipid*.

* Krystal, that is. Not Wifey.

More disappointingly (for me), was that we also missed out on anything Gretel said at the end of the show concerning this final week of BB06. Any word on the eviction schedule? I was expecting to hear something before the credits rolled.

I guess I'll find out tonight (if no one reading this wants to fill me in beforehand). But first I'd better say a few words about our evicted Housemates.



I thought Claire was pleasant enough, although Wifey hated her boring nature and monotonous, monotone voice. It was also amusing to keep track of how she put Gretel's name into each answer she ever gave the host when asked a direct question (which actually shows she was raised to speak very properly, even if she wasn't taught to speak with any inflection). I thought she might sneak through 'til the end, but it seems that, as Bart Simpson once said, "the mob has spoken".



It's a good thing this vain and stupid woman is out of the House at last. I'm not a woman-hater (in fact, despite her recent repulsive behaviour -- which I hope will be curbed somewhat now that she hasn't got her gossip buddy Krystal in the House anymore -- I think Camilla will [and deserves to] win). In fact, it's because I care about the women (and young impressionable girls) of this country that I felt Krystal couldn't be evicted fast enough. She epitomises the regretfully-cemented idealogy in this world that girls have to be pretty and shapely and constantly made-up to be accepted and liked and worthy of anyone's time. I detest that she underlines this -- and worse, that everyone else seems to accept and confirm it for her (and for the teenage girls watching). Begone, you plastic-chested, rouge-cheeked, Egyptian-Mummy-eyed, she-mullet-haired, poor-women's-lib-representative, you!

One final point. In reading through the online BB Diary to see what happened after the two girls were evicted, I was quite amused by the following quote from Jamie, which I include here complete with the BB staff member's original typos:

"There are more twists in this show that a 500g packet of twisties," says Jamie, "there is a lot of twists in this show and a lot of twists in a packet that large."

Beautiful analogy. And I especially love how he went to so much trouble to be certain we understood that both the show and the packet of Twisties contain so many twists! Thank you, Jamie.


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