Australian Idol - Final 5

Well, tonight's outcome wasn't as good as it could have been (if Dean had been given his marching orders), but it certainly wasn't a total washout. It was fantastic to see the back of Ricky. (And I know Magical_M will be well-pleased.)




I suppose I should give you my preferences with the final four.

I hope it's a Jessica/Damien Grand Final ... with Jessica taking home the chocolates. She's simply the best (out of those who are left; Lavina was the best of the full twelve, and IMHO Jess would have had to fight Bobby for the runner-up position, if I'd had my way).

In third place is Chris. He's okay, and I don't really have anything against the guy, but his performance is kinda exclusive to rock. Even his 'ballads' are soft rocky, with the obligatory scratchy rock voice simply singing softly. Ricky would have been my pick for fourth place (out of the five remaining at the start of the night tonight), with Dean my preference for elimination earlier tonight.

But somehow, despite me wanting a Jessica/Damien Grand Final, and being okay-if-I-absolutely-have-to-be with a Jessica/Chris Grand Final, I fear that it's actually going to end up being a Jessica/Dean Grand Final. And that would suck ... because the "hunk o' spunk" vote always gets the dopey, talentless beefcake across the line (deserving or no).

One other thing that I've been meaning to mention for a few weeks now: Could someone please take Marcia Hines out the back of the studio and shoot her??! I mean, come on, woman! You're a freakin' judge! So why don't you try a little judging sometime!! Take a side, have an opinion! Not everyone does "very well" - you're not helping them by not being honest! I'm sorry, but Mark Holden and Kyle Sandilands are correct 95% of the time (sometimes those are different 95%s at different times, but they're both generally spot-on with their observations), whereas Marcia mollycoddles the contestants and says, "There there, did the big nasty man say a hurtful thing? You're alright, here, ... suckle." There's nothing beneficial by always being kind to every contestant and getting angry with Mark. Who asked for the Grannie judge to sit there and give useless and vague and entirely unhelpful statements?

Also, as if she didn't know she was being dragged on stage to receive her gold record! Yeah, right! Even if they did keep it from her, she would have known exactly what was going on and the 'surprised' act really stuck in my craw.

Bring back Dicko, I say. The judging panel would be a lot more fun to watch if it was Mark, Kyle and Dicko - don't you think?!

:)


.

10 Typos 2 Many

This is an open letter to the proofreader of the Network Ten promos:



You suck at your job. I mean, you re-heally SUCK!

I'm a proofreader by trade, and whoever Network Ten is getting to proofread their own promotional ads (if anyone even IS fulfilling that role) needs to sit through a couple of basic English classes. Let me break it down for you:


1. Last year, an ad for Rove Live said "Your ready" when it should have said "You're ready". Big difference. Instead of saying "You are ready", it said "The 'ready' that you own is ..."

2. As the 2006 AFL Grand Final approached, we saw pictures of the 2005 Grand Final on the screen, and the caption "last years grand final" appeared at the bottom (all in small case to be trendy, which I can respect). But this wording was instead of the accurate "last year's grand final". So ... rather than talking about "the Grand Final from last year", the ad was discussing "the Grand Final of an unspecified number of years in the past".

3. When the current commercial for Jericho plays and it ends with the caption: "You'll see it the same time as the states", I expect it meant to say we'll watch it at the same time as it airs over in the United States of America, rather than what it claimed, which was that we'd watch it the same time as NSW, Vic, SA and Qld. The moron typing it up mustn't have realised 'States' should be capitalised if it's talking about a country. Basic pronoun usage. And no, this ad wasn't using all lower case letters to be trendy. It was just a dunderhead at the wheel.

4. The current promo for The OC starts off with the caption: "Now that Marrisa's dead ..." Well, look it up, chump. 'Marissa' is spelt with ONE 'R' and TWO 'S'es.


Okay, so it's not ten typos as the title of this post may have implied, but the above four aren't the only ones I've noticed in all my days of watching Network Ten. It's frickin' atrocious. By comparison, here are the typographical errors I've spotted on Channels Seven and Nine, the ABC and SBS:










That's right; NONE.

Whoever's making those Network Ten ads needs to get someone else to read over them before they get beamed into every house in the country. YOU'RE ALL LOOKING LIKE UNEDUCATED IDIOTS OVER THERE - PRESUMABLY BECAUSE OF ONE RETARDED GIMP WHO CAN'T SPELL! That's a great job to give someone like that, by the way. Really intelligent move. Give that man a promotion.

Network Ten, you missed your chance to hire me so I could proof your work for you, but I know a couple of other people who are great with the English language who may be interested in working at the same company as Gretel Killeen, Philip J Fry and Dr Karl Kennedy. Send me an email if you've realised the error of your ways.



... you freakin' nutjobs!


.

Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 18

Last night's episode of Thank God You're Here (TGYH) began on an odd and (for me) slightly unsettling note. Despite enjoyed the longest introduction sequence we've seen in a good while, there was a rather sour moment there that made it all feel somehow dirty.

And not in a good way.

It all began with Irish-born Aussie comedian Jimeoin stealing a woman's handbag from the front row of the audience. To his credit, he didn't want to rummage through it, but host Shane Bourne wasn't so shy. Shane also joked around with Triple M radio co-host Robyn Butler and comedian Peter Rowsthorn before addressing UK comic Stephen K Amos, who for some reason thought it would be a clever move to insult his audience by stating outright how Australians generally take longer to 'get' jokes than English audiences due to us having 'mucked about' with the language and taking longer to understand what he's saying. Hmm. Not the smartest move ever made, Einstein. Perhaps think about who you're having a go at before appearing on stage in an improv scene where the reaction of the (Australian) audience is your only lifeline. You stupid Pommy git. At least we only have one accent in Australia. You've got twenty different accents (of varying degrees of brutilising your precious language) for every three square foot section of land in the United Kingdom.

But as much as I might angrily defend my nation and our generally excellent approach to the English language as compared to those in England who say "Ock, I bin down-a poob for a py-iant a' larh-gar!" when they're trying to tell you they've been having a beer with their mates at the local, Jimeoin really put the nail in Stephen's coffin the best when he followed Mr Amos' diatribe with the phrase, "I've always found Australian audiences to the most intelligent audiences." Even Stephen had to dip his hat to credit that fantastic approach.

After a brief chat with judge Tom Gleisner, we were on our way.

Kath & Kim regular Pete was up first, and before he even entered his scene, he was cracking on to Shane nightclub-style. Clearly he was pumped and ready for anything. Dressed in a suit and tie, it was anyone's guess what he was in for, and it turned out that he was Senator Graham Gibbs, whose election promise, "complete employment on a world scale in a fortnight" may have been a little over-ambitious. The election slogan he provided to the two guys interviewing him on TV was admittedly "too long - that's why it didn't catch on". His view on same sex marriages was that's okay, provided "they have their own state, and all wear hoods" because "I don't think it should be hidden, but it should be hidden a bit". He believes in capital punishment, but only in schools. When asked why, he answered, "Well, kids bother me as a whole - keep the numbers down, you know? You're not allowed to him 'em anymore, so why not kill 'em, I say". His plan for a national identity scheme doesn't involve a card or a badge, but rather an all-over facial tattoo given via a branding iron and administered by a cow. The two pieces of advice Australian Prime Minister John Howard gave him were, "Never ever cut your eyebrows" and "Don't play cricket if they ask you, 'cos they'll try to get you to bowl, and you'll make a huge tool out of yourself". His ideas for combatting childhood obesity "go a little hand-in-hand with the capital punishment thing", and his final words to the voters were: "Entrust in me your love, your hearts, your minds ... and probably about three-quarters of your wage".

Robyn was next, and she played a 38-year-old woman still living with her parents. It was a scene that reminded me of one Julia Zemiro did on her first appearance (even down to the joke specifically about her age), and also even reeked a bit of Arj Barker's scene from just last week. But anyhoo ... when she entered the scene and her parents turned the light on for her, giving the usual, "Thank God you're here" greeting, Robyn replied with, "Thank God you're here; I thought I forgot my key". When her parents asked if she knew what they wanted to talk to her about, she asked, "Has the dog been sent away to the farm again?" The question about her age was next. Tell me this; in a show like TGYH, where surely 'blocking' someone's answers should be considered a no-no, why correct the guest when she says she's 34 and you planned to tell her she's 38? Surely by saying 34 she's already provided the gag? What's the point in correcting her? It doesn't really make any sense. Is the assumption that she's lying about four years of her age? That's just not funny. It's the only problem I have with the show anymore (because the requests for the guests to dance to finish the scene have been happily absent all season this time, I've noticed - maybe the producers are reading this blog?!). But I digress. Robyn was asked how she helps out around the house, and after a good think about it, she asked, "Did I buy fish once?" She then confessed to having "Dialed an Angel" to see what the going rate for a cleaner is these days, and discovered that it's $35 an hour, "so if you're happy to pay that kind of money, I'm happy to clean". I thought that was very clever. In five years' time, she sees herself maybe having the top bedroom, and admitting to having someone special in her life ... "There's a girl". Her shocked father asked her about Robert. "Robert died." Her mother then asked about Oscar, and I thought Robyn could have complained that he was too grouchy (drum fill), but instead said he had glasses. Oscar was then revealed to be the Crown Prince of Sweden, and to her credit, Robyn got angry, saying that she wanted a Crown Prince with perfect vision - was it so much to ask for a Crown Prince with 20/20 vision?!?! It was a good exchange. Her parents then asked her to move out, and she complained, "Who's gonna pack up all my stuff?" Then they brought her daughter Olivia into the room, and Robyn affected surprise that she'd grown up so much in the past twelve years. It was a good play on the 'irresponsible parent' angle. She then repeated her request for the top bedroom as the closing line of the scene.

Jimeoin came on third, and I must say I expected more from him. It seemed that he, too, took too long to come up with answers to the questions put to him, and was also just having too good a time rather than trying to play along. He made me laugh a lot (of course), but as far as him eventually winning the night, … well, … let’s just say I was a bit sceptical about that decision – to say the least! Dressed as an olde English explorer (“Dr Livingston, I presume?”-style), he was required to enter through the back of the set, crawling on his hands and knees, holding an old-fashioned candle lantern. Emerging inside some kind of Egyptian crypt by popping his head out of a hole, he was greeted by asking what had delayed him. He answered, “I just finished digging the tunnel!” When asked what had led him to this exact spot to find the tomb after almost thirty years of searching, he replied, “The key … and the address on the key tag … is what led me here”. Being an expert on reading Egyptian hieroglyphics, he was asked to translate some of the markings on the wall. Aparently, the first one gave the postcode, the second one said it was “bin night Tuesday”, and the third was “just a bit of grafitti”. Then he was asked what the huge symbol next to them was, and he answered, “You might have to get back to me about that”, and when the audience laughed, he turned to them and insisted, “That’s what it means!” According to Professor Jimeoin, the mummy in the case died of suffocation from bandages, and because he disturbed the mummy’s slumber, he suffered the curse that meant he was “… doomed to, er, not thinking of what to say next”. “But there’s a cure for this curse,” prompted one of the cast members, to which Jimeoin replied hastily, “I hope there is!” When asked what the cure was, he answered, “Probably going back down that hole I came from … and forgetting this place ever existed”. Suddenly, there was an almighty moaning noise, followed by a terrible smell. One of the native Egyptian guides spoke to Jimeoin in a strange, panicked dialect, and Jimeoin was asked to translate the guide’s words. “He’s apologising, he made the noise and the smell.” I thought this was a brilliant line, and wish the rest of the scene had been more like that inspired moment (and the “bin night Tuesday” bit, which highly amused me). Upon opening the mummy’s coffin, a great light shone out at Jimeoin, and he was asked what he could see inside. He finished the scene by (slowly) saying, “I see the lines I couldn’t think of earlier – but it’s too late, those moments are gone! I’ll be kicking myself later tonight, thinking why didn’t I say that?!”

Stephen was the last to showcase his wares, and as I watched, I quietly wished him all the best after starting off the night by accusing the people watching him of being dense. He entered the scene to discover he was one half of an animating team, presenting their idea for a children’s movie to film executives. He explained that his nickname in the business was ‘Krazy Amos’ (I’ve added the K because if that really was his nickname, I’m sure that’s how he’d spell it because of his middle initial), and then told the three men that “I like to draw and fiddle’, before clarifying a moment later, “I draw, she …” and indicating his ‘partner’ Nicola Parry before trailing off. All four ensemble cast members reacted as if this was a normal thing to say at such a meeting, which was slightly amusing in itself. Their animation idea was then revealed; Snake and Friends, and he introduced it thus: “Snake … we’ve all got one, lads …” Then some of Snake’s ‘friends’ were shown to be a scorpion (which Stephen didn’t recognise, calling it “a crab / lobster thing”), a spider and a horde of bees or wasps. One of the execs asked how these deadly creatures could possibly appeal to children, and Stephen replied, “You say deadly, I see cuddly”. His explanation of the story included the observations that the ocean is where the crab / lobster / scorpion lives, the desert is where the snake lives, and your kitchen is where the spider lives. “Would you like to see a sneak peak?” Parry asked the executives, to which Stephen added, “She’s said that before!” Then a video played of Snake meeting a friendly pink bunny, and promptly killing and devouring it. An exec asked why his nine-year-old daughter would want to see that, and Stephen replied that his daughter likes to eat … this film encourages kids to eat. And because the snake only had one meal, it would mean childhood obesity would be slashed. Stephen was hoping to obtain either Brad Pitt or Bert Newton’s vocal talents to voice the part of Snake, and the film was going to cost $250 million because, as Stephen indicated, “We both live in flats”. (Even though ‘flats’ isn’t really a term used in Australia.) He did quite well for a first-timer / international visitor / grotty Pom / guest who insulted his audience before getting underway (yes, I thought that was unforgivable).

The first pre-recorded bit placed the guests as the Financial News reporter on the evening news, giving Sandra Sully a report on all things ‘financial’. Stephen was asked about the recent volatility in the market (“… I can’t pronounce or spell it”), Robyn was asked what was behind the spike in oil prices (“Oil”), and Jimeoin seemed surprised that there was some interesting data out of Tokyo today (“Really?”). Peter said that the new listing on the stock exchange that was doing so well was a company that runs topless bus tours in Adelaide (“They seem to like them over there”), Robyn’s financial tip of the day was recommending that everyone stashes their “cold hard cash” under the bed, and Jimeoin answered Sandra’s question, “Wall Street got the jitters today, but what triggered it?” with the confused guess, “Um … too much coffee?”

The second pre-recorded bit was a well-executed investigative piece from a current affairs program, exposing our intrepid guests as the nastiest boss in Australia. Although I only have one quote written down in my notes from Robyn, and none at all from Peter, their turns in the role of Nastiest Boss in Australia were still very good – their reactions to finding the children working in their warehouse were great, for starters – but I didn’t jot down anything they said. Stephen corrected the reporter’s statement that he ran a $200 million business that she’d find it was a $600 million business. When asked why he’d cancelled the staff Christmas party, he explained simply, “I’m Jewish”. The reporter asked why he fired a woman for asking for sick leave when she’d had a heart attack, and he said, “Well, you know – these things happen. I went up behind her and went ‘Boo!’ …” he said that he gets his staff to work for 364 days a year, so they should feel free to take their one day of annual leave “to recuperate”. He also pointed to an eight-year-old girl working in his factory and claimed she was twenty. When asked where Robyn thought her staff members could go on their single day of annual leave, she replied, “Devonport is nice anytime of year”. Jimeoin, meanwhile, couldn’t drive away from his pursuing reporter because he couldn’t get his fancy Jaguar to start (“Do you know how to turn the wipers off?”). One of the girls in his warehouse asked if she could go home this weekend, and he replied, “Didn’t you go home last weekend?” He then pointed to another girl and proudly stated, “She’s coming up for long service leave soon”. But the quote of the whole segment was Jimeoin’s final line, when asked what he thought of himself as a boss: “I wouldn’t like to work for me, to be honest. But, uh, I’m not working for someone like me. I am me, and that’s a much better situation to be in.”

The group scene saw Peter dressed up in a koala suit, Jimeoin dressed up as “Uncle Sam”, and Robyn & Stephen dressed in “Save the Wilderness” T-shirts. They were protestors being dragged over hot coals for their poor demonstration and protesting. But before entering the scene, Shane joked around with Jimeoin because his hat pushed his ears forward like the strap on his helmet had done in his solo scene, earlier. As it got a laugh from the audience when he used the hat to push his ears forward, he said, “I’ll save it – I might need it!”, a clear reference to how few-and-far-between his jokes were in his solo scene. Once through the door, we discovered that Peter had spent the entire protest up a tree, “I just thought I’d shimmy up a tree and, you know, hang out for the day”, Robyn had chained herself to a fire hydrant rather than a tree, and Jimeoin wasn’t even meant to be dressed up as Uncle Sam in the first place (America having nothing to do with the loss of the koalas’ natural habitat). But as Jimeoin explained, “People just don’t like Americans. I thought it would be a good opportunity to get them on-side, … and then I was going to mention the koalas.” The thing about this is that I can see enough truth in it for it to actually work as a real way of getting people’s attention at a protest or rally! (Something to keep in mind.) Peter’s job was apparently meant to be collecting names for the petition, but he only got one girl’s name and phone number. Robyn’s best line of the night (IMHO) was to jump in at that point and say, “Yeah, that’s mine. He’s just so cute in the suit, how could I resist him?” I found great humour in the placard Stephen had apparently prepared: “SUSTAINABLE NOT SUSTAINABOXABLE”, and his explanation that “… you can sustain something, … but not in a box” was equally hilarious. He news that Peter had set fire to the forest was clearly a blow for the side, although Peter’s initial reaction was a Homer-esque “Woo-hoo!” When asked how it happened, he replied that all you have to do is rub some sticks together, add leaves, … and then get a light and light stuff. Jimeoin’s chant was also great value: “2, 4, 6, 8 … We don’t like Americans!” He said that he was sick of rhyming; he was going for prose. It was all very amusing and contained lots of great laughs.

Other fantastic bits on the night included Stephen sniggering like a dirty little schoolboy when Shane asked the assembled foursome how they feel when they come off (meaning finish the scene, although Stephen had to ‘grotty it up’). The funny part in this was actually Peter in the background miming how he smokes a cigarette and falls asleep. And then when Shane decided to sing the next bit from the autocue, Jimeoin piped in with, “Oh, yea! Oh, yea!” After Shane made another reference to Jimeoin’s ears, Peter feigned anger at Shane for making fun of someone for their “sticky-out ears”. It was highly amusing seeing him get stroppy with the host for making light of such a touchy subject! “That’s not funny. Don’t touch me! It’s just offensive.” (He also gave Tom the finger – while dressed in his Koala suit – for not crowning Peter the winner of the night. Because he was wearing the suit, you couldn’t see much of anything, but the mock-grumpy sentiment was clear … and highly amusing. Peter then followed this gesture up by growling at him the way an angry koala would: “Gahhhhhh!”)

With only two episodes remaining in the series, let’s just hope they maintain this fine standard (and perhaps steer clear of guests who are going to bring the mood down by bagging the crowd before they begin).


.

Australian Idol - Final 6

"Hallelujah!"

Now it's Dean and Ricky's turn.


.

Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 17

Last night's episode of Thank God You're Here (TGYH) was another find one, although not as good as last week's.

As usual, host Shane Bourne got things rolling by introducing us to the guest stars for this week: Pizza star and apparently Australia's only Turkish stand-up comedian Tahir Bilgic, Triple M radio host and former Late Show stalwart Tony Martin (I nearly used this image ... then I nearly used this one), New Zealand comedian and one-time skitHOUSE regular Cal Wilson and US comic and all-round funny guy Arj Barker. They performed in that order, so let's ignore ridiculously redundant 'judge' Tom Gleisner and just get on with it, shall we?

I found Tahir to easily be the least impressive this week, although this opening scene was probably the weakest 'script' the producers have prepared for quite a while. Certainly for all of this season. He played a businessman coming home late at night to find his wife waiting impatiently for him on their tenth wedding anniversary. I'm not sure if Tahir was simply struggling, or they had to cut a lot out of the scene before it could be broadcast (perhaps they just used up all of their material really quickly), but this scene was much shorter than the others. One of his better lines for the night came just as he was about to enter the scene; upon trying the door handle, he turned back to Shane and said, "It's locked." Entering the scene to a frosty reception from his fuming wife (who furiously ignored him as she angrily flicked through a magazine), Tahir went all 'panto' on us by turning to the audience and going, "Oooh!" His explanation for being so late was that the computer at work went down "... on me." Suggestive and crude, it made no sense (but I confess to laughing anyway). He then said it took a few hours, because "you know how slow computers are". Upon discovering that it was their ten year anniversary, he responded with, "A decade? [Exhales heavily] Feels like 50." His confession to his lovely wife that his thoughts as she walked down the aisle all those years ago was, "Why me?" didn't seem to bother her, and his admission to only marrying her so he could get into the country was dismissed as a joke. Things didn't look up when he told his wife he'd arranged for a celebratory dinner at Sizzler. Possibly because they've been closed for ten years (at least where I'm from). But his attempts to fire her up about the idea were amusing: "All you can eat! Come on!" All-in-all, though ... it just wasn't a very magical scene.

Tony was the second batsman for the night, and came out wearing a very limp superhero costume (which he later claimed was "pulling the ladies backstage"). He was "Flashman", and kept his monotone delivery throughout the scene, heightening the laughs for everyone. His three superpowers were superspeed, punctuality, and the ability to cast aspersions on people's character. His arch nemesis was an angry-letter-writing 87 year-old in a nursing home, called Barry. His hideout was Wilson's carpark, and his catch-cry is, "Watch out, he's evil!" because it keeps the public on their toes. His plan as a superhero is to start small and work his way up to terrorism by beginning with fare evaders (possibly via video piracy), which is a brilliant piece of comedy when you think about how quickly he came up with (and delivered) it. Then we get to Mrs Jenkins. It's not all that surprising that Tony's comedy style is so similar to that of Gleisner and his TGYH co-producers (made up of Santo Cilauro, Jane Kennedy, Rob Sitch and Michael Hirsh - as well as Creative Consultant Glenn Robbins); after all, he worked with most of them for years on The Late Show, The D-Generation, and other projects. So when he intentionally down-played his "female assistant" to be an old woman whose special ability is to "make a very nice cup of tea in a reasonable amount of time", it wasn't too shocking to then see an old woman enter the scene with Tony's lunch, dressed in a similar costume to the one he was wearing. And it clearly wasn't set up, because Tony's surprise (pointing to her and turning to the audience, humoured and delighted, crying out, "And that's her!") made it obvious he was as amused at his clever 'guess' as anyone watching. Speaking for myself, I thought it was hilarious. Not at all a shame that he inadvertently 'picked' the next twist, and not at all a conspiracy. Just a quick mind on behalf of Tony. At the close of the scene, he was asked to name one good reason why he shouldn't be fired as the city's superhero, and he countered by upping the stakes! "I'll give you three reasons ... [pause as he realises he's got nowhere to go with this] ... maybe just the one would be good, though ..."

The third special guest to try their luck was Cal, and she came out dressed as a beauty pageant contestant, complete with sash reading 'Miss Caicos'. Upon entering the scene, she began affecting amusing poses in the background (standing alongside four or five other contestants from different countries), while the host and co-host welcomed the audience back to the pageant, and then called Miss Caicos forward for her interview. Showing true catty jealousy, Cal gave all her attention to the male host of the show, going so far as to nudge the female co-host out of the way with her hip. Repeatedly. And then when she finally spoke, the accent she used had people laughing from the outset. It didn't matter what she said; the accent she came up with was perfectly hilarious. Some 'choice' quotes included: "I just having nice time with you, man ...", "I am chief export of Caicos, gross national product (turning to female co-host); that would be you ...", and when explaining how she knew she was no longer a tomboy when she was growing up: "I got, how you say, big breasticles. And they make me know I am a lady in the front". Her three goals after winning the pageant related to science ("I gonna learn how to spell it!"), nuclear proliferation ("That's a contraceptive, right?"), and Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt ("That's right, I'm gonna split them up!"). We were then treated to three questions from the 'celebrity judging panel', consisting of Dr Karl Kennedy (Alan Fletcher), Kimberley Davies and swimmer Matt Welsh. Alan asked Cal what being a Unifed Ambassador entailed, and she responded that it meant she only gets fed once. Kimberley asked if she could get rid of one thing in the world, what would it be? Turning to look back at her fellow beauty pageant contestants, she replied, "Uh, ... Miss China!" And Matt mentioned a prior altercation with Miss Bolivia, asking what had happened there. "Oh, you know, girls have pillow fights, it was just a bit of fun, I scratch her eyes out." Her three dreams all involved Brad Pitt and a palm (or palm tree) in some way, which was clever thinking on her behalf to make them all fit the prompts she was given, but personally I didn't find them very funny. She made up for it, though, with her final thoughts: "To the judges, if I win, I put out." (I wonder if Tom thought this applied to him?)

Finally, we were treated to the hilarious stylings of American comedian Arj Barker. His scene involved him being the housemate from hell, and he fell into the role pretty quickly! In fact, he said afterwards that he found the whole scenario strangely familiar. Apparently emerging from sleeping in his bedroom at four in the afternoon ("Well, I went to bed at two in the afternoon, so what do you want from me?"), he joined his four other housemates in the kitchen for a household meeting. Arj was asked if he knew what it meant to live in a communal household, and he replied that it means they're all on myspace, they all help out, it's one-for-all and all-for-one, and then pointed to one of the girls, saying, "... so I mean if she has money in her purse, I'm gonna go ahead and borrow it." He was asked which cupboard stores the vacuum cleaner, and he replied with, "What's a vacuum cleaner?" Then he went out on his own a bit, coming up with the following gear out of nowhere: "I know you asked me to chip in for cleaning supplies, but I just don't think that's fair. I mean, why should I have to pay for something I'm not gonna use?" It was so clever, it made me wonder if maybe he hadn't slipped in some material from his stand-up routine or something. (If not, Mr Barker - no offense intended. Very well done. It was that impressive.) It certainly fitted in with the theme of the interrogation he was getting, though, because the next thing he was asked was what household duties he'd done in the past week. He answered that he'd emptied the trash ... on his Mac. Then his housemates opened the fridge and we saw that it was completely filled with beer. "What do we need that much beer for?" they asked him. "To get sh*tfaced!" he enthusiastically replied. Then they opened up the freezer and revealed that it was stacked from top to bottom with hot dogs. "We're vegetarians!" his housemates complained. "Well, put some lettuce on it!" came his snarky reply. "You're vegetarian," they informed him. His answer to that was brilliant: "Those are grain-fed ... hot dogs. It's like eating a vegetarian." Then the housemates launched their final complaint on Arj for letting his 'family' stay over. From the Swedish backpacker babe to the tall Jamaican (?) dude he claimed were his sister and brother, it turns out that Arj's family heritage is somewhat confused (Jamaican, Swedish, Pakistani and American all rolled into one). When asked if he's turning the place into some kind of backpacker hostel, he replied that no, no one's getting hostile (pronouncing this in Arj's natural [American] way, "hos-til" [instead of the correct way, "hos-tile"], made this a very witty comeback). He then went on the attack, demanding that these people "... deserve to come here to Australia and find out what made America great!" When his 'brother' entered the room, he asked his sceptical housemates, "Can't you guys see the resemblance?", before pulling the waistband of his pants forward and comparing the hair on the head of his 'brother', with the hair ... well, you get the idea. It was a very amusing scene and Arj seemed to slip perfectly into the nature of the show. For a first-timer, he was first-rate.

The first of the pre-recorded bits was set on the Network Ten morning program (which generally comes a distant third in the ratings, after Channel Seven's Sunrise and Channel Nine's Today show), known as 9am with david and kim (lower case intended, because - you know - that's trendy). David Reyne introduced the segment (fairly pointlessly, seeing as we only saw him for three seconds - and he wasn't credited at the end of the show), and then Ann-Maree Biggar interviewed our four special guests in a segment called "In the Kitchen ..." Dressed in all white gear and standing in front of a kitchen island covered with food and cooking utensils, Ann-Maree asked the hard questions and our celebrities gave the funny answers. She began by congratulating Tony for having just opened his first restaurant, to which Tony replied, "And I'm a dentist!" Arj's new style of restaurant is apparently the kind where the customers are required to cook their meals themselves, leaving the staff free to "go out the back and smoke cigarettes". Tony had to fire his head chef recently due to bestiality ("not good in the restaurant for the diners, and distracting, I find"). Tahir described the difference between table salt and sea salt thus: "Table salt is easier to get - from the table. Who wants to go to the sea to get salt?" Tony told us that at a recent dinner engagement for the Prime Minister, Tony had decided to cook him nothing at all, instead telling the PM, "I know we promised we'd cook you something good, but it wasn't a core promise". The web addresses the three boys gave out where as follows: Tahir, Tony and Arj. As I type this, none of them are working addresses (but give it a month and they'll probably be flourishing!). Strangely, I had nothing at all in my notes from Cal's contribution to this bit.

The second pre-recorded bit placed our heroes in the role of film director during the taping of Picnic at Hanging Rock II: Miranda's Return. This bit featured appearances by Jane Hall (shown here with life partner Vince Colosimo) and Andy Lee (shown here with life partner Hamish Blake, haha - Andy's on the left) in the main roles being directed by Cal, Tony, Arj and Tahir. While being interviewed on camera, Arj described his cinematic style as getting a big bucket of popcorn and not sitting too close to the front, before realising the interviewer meant directing movies. When it was revealed that he got his start directing commercial safety videos, Arj confirmed that his debut was Keep Your Hands Out Of The Fryer, and he first met Andy while working on Hey, Those Paperclips Are Sharp! When Tony was asked what Andy Lee brings to his role, his reply was, "Trousers, a hat ..." Tahir informed us that he chose Jane for her role because of her "cheapness". When she was asking him a question about her character, he got distracted because he was listening to Shannon Noll on his headphones. Cal tried directing Andy on how to run into the house with his wooden leg by describing that he should run like a gimp (and then demonstrating it). Arj preferred Andy to skip, instead. Andy then asked Arj how his character lost his leg in the first place, and Arj answered, "Skipping accident". When someone pointed out that the Harley Davidson motorcycle he's requested didn't fit the 1890s time period, Arj insisted that they simply get some horses to pull the Harley. Tony decided that the best way to direct Andy on how to kiss Jane passionately for the scene was to grab Jane's head, say, "Look and learn!", and then dive right in. And Cal wasn't at liberty to explain how the movie ended, but whispered conspiratorially (while pointing at Andy), "Not really a guy!"

The group scene was set in a Where Are They Now?-style show called Now and Then. Tony, Cal and Tahir entered the scene as normal, and played three of the four stars of the ficticious, long-since-cancelled TV series A Town in the Valley. When asked if it felt like ten years since the show was cancelled, Tony replied, "No! It feels like nine." When Tahir was asked to describe the show for anyone who hadn't seen it, he cleverly stalled for time by saying, "Who hasn't seen it? Everybody's seen it!", then turning to the audience and demanding, "Seriously, who hasn't seen it, huh?" When one joker presumably put up his hand, Tahir snapped at him, "Get out!" Then he told the host that it was a kind of drama/comedy: "Basically, we tried to be dramatic but were poor actors." Cal played a clumsy vet whose complicated character involved how she used sharp implements and yet kept falling over and stabbing people with them. She later became a real vet but only works with stuffed animals. Tony was revealed to be the owner of the town pub, and his famous catch-cry was, "Who wants an enormous amount of beer?" When repeating the phrase in his speech impediment (which he'd lost just moments before coming on stage), it sounded basically the same, but he claimed it was a subtle difference, drawing to light the many people who suffered from it. When asked why Rod couldn't be with them tonight, Tony replied that he'd fallen into a wheat thresher, but that it was important they acknowledge that he'd done it for charity. It turned out that Rod was alive and well and in Hollywood, and this is where we "crossed live" to Arj, whose favourite memories of working on the show was when he put laxatives in the lunch, and they all got to leave early that day. The host asked him to tell us again how his character left the series, and Arj laughingly asked if he really needed to remind us: ("I mean, come on! As if I really need to remind you!") When the host insisted, he laughed, "All right, I'll tell you ...", and then proceeded to tell us how his character, the mayor (who was germaphobic), took a drink from a glass of water in one episode, only to realise that someone with a coldsore had already taken a drink from the glass - resulting in the mayor running screaming from the town. But perhaps the best line from this scene was Tony telling us that he's now the voice of the GE Money Genie.

It was an excellent episode (possibly one of the finest), and although I wasn't too impressed with Cal's material in the group scene or either of the two pre-recorded bits, she easily made up for it in her turn as Miss Caicos. That being said, however, I thought Tony and Arj also did a brilliant job throughout each of their segments. The other thing I noted was that there were so many celebrity cameos this week. David Reyne, Ann-Maree Biggar, Alan Fletcher, Kimberley Davies, Matt Welsh, Andy Lee and Jane Hall. I wonder if everyone's clambering to get on the show or if the producers just have a lot of weight around the network now so can make whatever they want happen.

Only three episodes left of the series. And I hear whispers that they don't plan to make the show anymore after that. I hope that's not true. It's the best comedy to turn up on Australian TV in a long time (probably since Frontline), and will be sorely missed.


.

Australian Idol - Final 7

It was a national disgrace last week that Lavina was eliminated from the finals. She was easily the best and most skilful singer - singer - of the entire lot. It just goes to show how twisted and wrong the whole phone-in and SMS-voting system is.

And then, to make matters even worse …




I could sense Bobby was going to be sent home this week. I could just sense it. Particularly after it was announced. Then it was really clear.

But even beforehand, I knew the idiotic teenage voters were going to be keeping crappy Lisa in there over mega-talented Bobby. Pfft.

Last week, Dean did a somersault and a handstand to prove that he was versatile. This week he sang a song again. Yawn.

Damien was excellent, Chris was actually pretty good, and Jessica was great – again. Ricky was crap-crap-crap (and knew it), and should have been the one to go.

But as it was down to Lisa and Bobby, it was obvious what was going to happen.

The good thing about it is that Bobby’ll have no trouble landing a recording contract, now. Or an audience to buy his albums. So he’s sitting pretty sweet, really. Lisa (the one-trick pony) needs to get further through the competition to help people remember her. So maybe it worked out better for everyone.

Except for the Australian public, that is.


.

Big Blogger - The Complete Series

• Applications Open Now


• Big Blogger - Open House


• Attention Housemates:


• Evicted HMs 1 & 2


• Evicted HM 3


• TWIST!


• Behind The Scenes


• Evicted HM 4


• Evicted HMs 5 & 6


• MEGA-TWIST!


• Evicted HM 7


• Evicted HM 8


• SUPER-DOOPER-TWIST!


• Evicted HM 9


• Evicted HMs 10, 11 & 12


• YOUR-HEAD'S-GONNA-EXPLODE,-THIS-IS-SUCH-A-MAMMOTH-TWIST!


• Evicted HM 13


• Evicted HM 14


• Evicted HM 15


• Evicted HM 16


• Evicted HM 17


• Evicted HM 18


• Evicted HMs 19, 20 & 21 - WINNER!


• SCANDAL!

The Big Blogger Housemates:

• Audrey & The Bad Apples


• Clokeeeey


• Dxxxx


• Elaine


• Enny


• Gav


• Javatari


• John Surname


• LittleFaerieGirl


• Magical_M


• Mars


• MelbourneGirl


• No Dramas


• Pomgirl


• RichardWatts


• Steph


• Sublime-ation


• Tammiodo


• TOBYtoby


• Tyson


• & the Big Blogger Ninja, Adam

Every Soapie Needs New Neighbours

I don’t mind some new blood every once in a while. And it was good to see four new characters being introduced on Neighbours this past week. I’ve given them a bit of time to settle in before writing this, and I must say that I’m feeling a little mixed about their arrival and introduction. Each was billed as having a ‘secret’.

Let’s go through them one at a time, shall we?

“Yes, let’s!”

Okay, no need to shout.


New Neighbours, left to right:
Rosita light on Will-power,
while Frazer passes the Pepper.

I’ll start with Rosita Cammeniti, elder sister to Carmella. Fresh from her stint on All Saints, actress Natalie Saleeba doesn’t look too similar to actress Natalie Blair (Carmella), although after watching them on screen for a few minutes, it was easy to see a slight family resemblance in their appearance … and their interaction seemed genuinely sisterly.* A credit to the actresses and the casting department. It must be confusing that both girls are Natalies. Probably a good thing that Natalie Bassingthwaighte (Izzy Hoyland) has left the show, then.**

Rosita’s backstory is that the two sisters never got along and Carmella was always seen as 'the bad sister'. Rosita apparently harbours a secret grudge against 'the family business' and became a lawyer to keep her head above water on the 'moral' front. She resents people presuming that her jailed father is secretly pulling strings for her. Most tragically, an arranged marriage to “Johnny Brown” (possibly the worst and most unimaginative unseen-character’s name the show has ever utilised), was being forced upon her by her mother. Always having been considered the favourite child by her mother, Rosita had never spoken out against her parents and apparently always did what she was told. Until moving into Ramsay Street and discovering the following series of remarkable coincidences:

- Carmella once lived in the same house
- Toadie knew Rosita (but has never mentioned her) because they’re fellow lawyers – and all lawyers know each other, donchaknow
- Carmella just happened to be living a few doors away at the time
- Toadie had apparently promised a room to Rosita while he was in Sydney, but failed to mention this to housemate Ned. Remarkably, Rosita turned up to claim her room precisely as the other new housemates were moving in

As a long-time friend of Toadie’s (*cough*retcon*cough*), Rosita immediately took up the case for Max’s manslaughter charges / disappearance, and knew all the details of the case that very night, despite having had no time to read the case files because she was too busy advising her sister (with whom she suddenly has a deep and lasting relationship) to drop her nun habit and write Ned a juicy letter of seduction.

But I think she has promise and will be a good addition to the show. Plus, the actress is quite a bit more attractive on Neighbours than she was ever made to look on All Saints. And that’s the important thing.

Next we have Frazer Yeats, played by Ben Lawson, elder brother to TGYH’s brilliant Josh. Frazer shares a secret with ‘Pepper’ Steiger (they’re pretending to be engaged on some kind of joint-beneficial ruse), however Frazer has additional skeletons in his closet, as recent episodes have implied. First, it appears that ‘Frazer Yeats’ is not his real name, although the writers don’t intend to divulge his real name to us anytime soon. (Why is this? Will it shock us? Will we recognise the name or surname somehow?) Frazer also has a bizarre form of income; he calls himself a professional gambler, and keeps three different mobile phones going at once to contact his bookies and no doubt other nefarious dealings. He doesn't seem to think much of the Will, but has clear feelings for Rosita (something that the others are unaware of due to his fake engagement to Pepper clouding their eyes to his very obvious attraction). Oh, what fun times lay in store with that particular storyline!

His brother Ringo (also ‘Yeats’, which implies that the surname might be genuine, or perhaps that his brother has adopted the same alias for one reason or another) will be joining the show presently as well (played by Sam Clark, the kid who won the male role on offer in the Dolly magazine competition they were running a while ago, to win a guest role on Neighbours - with the option for it to become a full-time gig if all parties are happy). He’ll be joined by the female winner of the same competition, Adelaide Kane, who will be picking up the role of Lolly (Louise) Carpenter, the daughter of Lou who we last saw some years ago leaving to live with her biological father, after Lou discovered that he wasn’t Lolly’s real father.

But back to the current new cast members:

Attractive blonde Nicky Whelan plays Heidi ‘Pepper’ Steiger. She’s okay to look at and all that, but her ‘beauty’ has been used as an angle on more than one occasion already. Daughter of local ‘stop or I’ll point’ policeman Senior Sergeant Allan Steiger and Janae’s gruff mechanic boss Christine Steiger, she has a brother called Rick and some reason to pretend to be engaged to Frazer. As yet. we have no idea what that reason might be. Despite embarrassing herself in front of Susan at her job interview by calling Karl “an old fuddy-duddy”, she was successful at getting the job and is now the new PE teacher at Erinsborough High. (What kind of school interviews potential candidates for teaching positions ‘one-on-one’ style and in the vice principal’s home?!) There have been at least three examples of the randy little high school students victimising Pepper for her physical appearance; they (particularly Zeke) were gawking at her as she stripped out of her tracksuit for the cross-country run (which, in my experience, is always held on a new PE teacher’s first day), the itching powder in her top (not strictly speaking relating to her appearance, but the twisting, scratching and one-thing-leads-to-another highly necessary removal of her clothing seemed like the actions of a randy group of teenagers to me), and of course the underwear incident. What is this show? Neighbours or Porky’s?! And while we’re off-topic, how many free hits is pervy pervert Zeke Kinski going to get before he gets dragged before the principal on sexual misconduct charges? Where'd he grow up? Werribee?! First it was the porno mags in the attic (his sister appearing in one seems to have been enough poetic justice because the harshest criticism stepmum Susan gave him was, “It’s perfectly natural, just understand that it’s not reality”), and now he gets busted having stolen his neighbour/teacher’s underwear from her home and handing it around the school like a trophy. Talk about a violation of privacy! Surely Pepper would be feeling sexually humiliated and violated and want to do more than simply get Zeke to clean their house once a week until the end of the term without payment? Isn't that a form of prostituting herself? I don’t buy the line that “he’s cute”, because all they’ve seen of him so far has been an awkward and weird-looking dweeb who can’t pronounce his words properly and has been speaking like a homo … sorry … homie. Nothing ‘cute’ or endearing about him. Anyway, actress Nicky Whelan was last seen playing the fictitious ‘starlet’ on the Russell Coight’s Celebrity Challenge telemovie, and her character Pepper’s mysterious past hasn’t turned out to be too mysterious so far. Maybe her penchant for waking up in the night screaming has something to do with it. (Actually, it probably does, but I bet that’s going to be a while off, yet.) Oh, and she sneezes when she's stressed or embarrassed. Yeah, I can't see that getting annoying!

Finally, we come to drifter Will Griggs, played by newcomer Christian Clark. A backpacker with the definitive laid-back attitude to life, Will seems to have the darkest and most mysterious past of any of the newcomers. While appearing at first to be the most ‘boring’ of the four new characters, it could well turn out that his backstory is the most interesting. We’ve already seen him set fire to an envelope packed full of hundred-dollar bills (it really hurt to watch that scene), and we’ve watched him yell at an extra’s extended hand as someone in a car wordlessly held out a house key, with the words, “Yours for the taking” engraved on the keyring. When he finally visited the spacious apartment, Will found a cupboard full of condensed milk cans (which appeared to mean something to him), a closet full of suits (which he ignored), and a bunch of jewellery. After briefly looking at a framed photo of a woman, Will took one gold ring, one can of condensed milk, and left the apartment – presumably never to return. He clearly doesn’t want anything to do with whoever his unseen benefactor is, and as the actor has already finished his stint on the show (after just twelve weeks of filming), we may never see this storyline brought to a satisfactory conclusion. I mean, who in their right mind turns away such free stuff and all that money? There must be a serious history between Will and whoever it is, for him to so adamantly refuse any of these offerings. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Will’s actuall stinking rich and is the elusive owner of the remaining 2% of Lassiter’s.

According to rumours (and you can always believe rumours, ... or so people say), actor Christian Clark decided not to renew his contract with the show. That’s what Network Ten is rumoured to be reporting. I wonder what went wrong …

Speaking of which, the opening titles still haven’t been updated to include Carmella or to remove Izzy … and now that we’ve seen four new faces arrive (with one of those set to leave again quite soon, and two more regulars arriving shortly), maybe they’ll just stick with the current credit sequence until the end of the year. (And then they’ll have to amend it again when Lyn and Katya leave in the new year. Their departures will be roughly one month apart.)

In short, it’s great to see new characters appearing on the show. And it’s sometimes (but not always) great to see old characters leave. I’m glad Lyn and Katya are going. I think it’s strange that Will’s on his way out before he’s even put his backpack down. And it’s interesting to note that Dylan and Stingray will both be written out of the show early next year (apparently in an “explosive storyline”, which probably means that one or both of them will die). With all this commotion going on, I hear what you’re all thinking: “When will Connor and Dee return??”

I wish I knew, gentle reader. I wish I knew.


* In much the same way that Dylan and Stingray don’t appear to be obvious brother-types, although after watching them for a bit, you start to see it.

** But not for good. She’ll be back in a guest spot around April of next year. I wonder what twists and turns she’ll introduce to the show then!***

*** Karl’s kid, no doubt.


.

Thank The Lord For Your Presence # 16

The episode of Thank God You're Here (TGYH) that aired last night finally put to bed the gross injustice of actor Josh Lawson having gone this long without winning. Thankfully, Josh was able to come out of the blocks, guns blazing, firing on all cylinders ... and other such mixed metaphors.

Host Shane Bourne introduced us to the guest stars for the night: Australian Idol co-host Andrew G, FOX FM radio host Jo Stanley, Mix FM radio host Alan Brough, and the aforementioned Josh Lawson. Resident judge Tom Gleisner was also on hand to provide us with the same lines as every other week, rehashing some of the guests' jokes immediately after each scene that were much funnier the first time, and always acting surprised that he wasn't able to determine a winner until after the group scene at the end. (Just once, I'd love for him to award a winner before the group scene! If you're not going to do that, STOP SAYING THE SAME DAMN THING EACH WEEK!)

Josh got us started and did an exemplary job. Playing Commodore Hatfield of the Rural Fire Brigade, he immediately launched into 'surprise attack' mode by knocking on the door, opening it, and saying to ensemble cast member Daniel Cordeaux (before Daniel could get a word in), "Thank God you're here; I've been knocking for hours!" Naturally, this quick-thinking smartarse response (which he'd probably thought up a few weeks beforehand) received rapturous applause from the audience. He was asked what the latest word from HQ was, and Josh replied that it was only one word, and had been very difficult to make out, due to terrible reception; "So I got ... 'Buh--ma--tin'." Three reporters were standing by to ask questions, and the first asked what the latest news was concerning the bushfire. Josh answered that the good news is they've been able to localise it to the bush. He was asked what the 'Code 6' category he'd given it meant, and he replied that they'd decided it wasn't important enough for a Code 7, but it was slightly more important than Code 5, so after a four-hour meeting they'd come up with Code 6. When he was asked if it was true that the fire was started by a barbeque, Josh looked down the barrel of the (real) camera and said seriously, "If you're a barbeque, be warned: You will be caught." One of the reporters then revealed that it was one of Josh's own men who's lit the barbeque, to which Josh - after a brief awkward silence - said, "I'll get it", turned around, and 'answered' the phone on the desk behind him (which hadn't been ringing at all). He then feigned hearing of a bomb threat and tried to usher the reporters out of the room (but of course they blocked this with "Just a few more questions, please!"). It got big laughs for his quick thinking of trying to shut the scene down, though. And so it should. He's done it often enough now that his 'surprise attack' method was his best chance of keeping the other actors on their toes and making sure they really earn their pay packet! Another reporter then said that Josh's attempts at water bombing and back burning had failed, asking what he planned to try next. "Back bombing and water burning," Josh replied, "Just sorta switch them around, and who knows?" He was asked if he had any words for those people staying in their homes, and he encouraged them to get out more and live life. When Daniel, who was playing the Fire Captain, prompted Josh with the line, "Of course, not forgetting the three Ds ...", Josh continued, "Yes, and if you do forget them, I will find you!" He then clarified that the three Ds stood for diligence, discipline, and David Hasslehoff ("... because we all know how good he is with water - he's terrific"). The Captain then corrected him, saying that they actually stood for something else, to which Josh snapped at him, "Don't you dare second-guess me in front of the media! What are you - Captain?" Then he pointed to his own name badge, roaring, "Commodore!" Turning to the reporters, he asked, "Does Commodore out-rank Captain?", then dropped his anger and asked pseudo-seriously, "Honestly, does it? It does?" At that he snapped back into his outraged character voice and gloated over the Captain with, "Ha! Exactly!" But apparently Josh wasn't through trying to turn the tables on the ensemble cast. When one reporter started to ask him about the stories of heroism that had been coming out of the fire, Josh interrupted him there, took his microphone from him, and began spouting off a personal bio of sorts, being humble without so much being at all humble, and boasting of his own life lessons on 'the hero circuit'. It was very funny, and when the reporter reached out to take his microphone back, Josh casually pushed his hand away and said, "I'll get to you in a minute," which brought another thunderous applause from the audience. He then veered off topic, talking about his own formidable skill at Karaoke, before launching into a bit of Justin Timberlake. Successfully using up as much time as he possibly could with his own ramblings, he was asked one final question about what homeowners should do. "Remain calm," Josh replied, "unless you see fire, in which case - I'd say panic!" Hilarious stuff, and well worth the win. This guy was a (relative) nobody at the start of 2006, and now, just two series of TGYH later, he has a cult following not altogether dissimilar to that of a Neighbours cast member (which is funny, because a relative of his named Ben - Josh's older brother - has just become a cast member of Neighbours). Spooky!

The second scene of the night featured Alan as an army Captain during the first World War, advising his men about the horrors of war and his plans for the coming 'attack'. From telling his second-in-command (2IC) that he made his way through the minefield by skipping gaily, his characterisation quickly slid into strong camp. He asked one of his men who he was writing his letter to, and when told it was the soldier's sweetheart, Alan advised him not to worry about it because she's probably left him. This was amusing because it was in response to his 2IC asking him to give the men a pep-talk. He then went on to promise his men a new summer frock for surviving the next battle, revealed that he and his 2IC were in a secret relationship ("Well, you see, when a man and a man meet each other ..."), advised the soldiers to run like a girl across the battlefield, and announced that his dream was to perform in musical theatre. In fact, the only gags that didn't centre around the sexual orientation of his character were the one about the letter (above), and his translation of the German message (barbeque at Geoff's place). He finished of by explaining to the men that in order for millions of Australians to see Gilbert & Sullivan, they had to die. It wasn't the sharpest of scenes, but it was by no means terrible. However, I wonder if Alan fell into a bit of a trap with this scene, reverting to the same kind of characterisation he used last time he was on the show. How many times can you surprise us by revealing that your character is gay and expect a huge laugh for it?

Third for the evening was first-timer Andrew. Admitting he felt petrified before entering his scene, it was clear from his body language (almost standing with his back to the audience and sitting on the edge of a table so he could face the ensemble cast rather than the crowd) made it obvious that this was indeed the case. However, once he started answering the questions put to him, he showed that he was actually quite capable of coming up with some good material. But I'm skipping ahead of myself here (although not gaily, as Alan might prefer). Before Andrew even entered the scene, he appeared on stage wearing what was obviously a PE teacher's uniform, and told Shane that he looked like a cross between his three high school PE (physical education) teachers - but that all he was missing was the moustache. WHAT A LOST OPPORTUNITY it was at that point not to add something along the lines of, "They were three very scary women"! In a show that actually requires the use of stereotypes to thrive and survive, this would have been a golden line. Oh well, they can't all be as brilliant as me. Called in front of a group of angry parents, Andrew was asked how he thought the Year 6 soccer team he coaches was going, and he replied "... really, really well, for a bunch of pissweak eleven-year-olds". One father asked about his son saying Andrew had locked him inside a hyperbaric chamber for three hours. Smooth as you like, Andrew replied that he'd made the kid run two, three ... hundred laps of the field, and when he complained about feeling a bit unwell, he threw him in there. Father: "But he's athsmatic!" Andrew: "His squeaky little voice sounded so cute in there!" When asked about his history, Andrew coolly replied that he preferred not to talk about his time in Thailand, but if he can keep a place running "like a tight ship" on Patpong Road, he can do the same for an eleven-year-old soccer team! I must say; that was very quick thinking by Andrew, and it was delivered brilliantly. Suddenly, some banging was heard from a nearby locker. When the other teacher opened it up, it revealed a sign on the inside of the door saying 'Sin Bin', and a kid in a soccer uniform emerged. In perhaps his best line of the night, Andrew asked the kid if he felt that he'd learned his lesson. When the kid shook his head no, Andrew said, "Well, I'm afraid I've got no choice ..." and promptly pushed him back in the locker and closed the door. Very good work for a non-comedian and first-timer. A bit slow in places, but some very funny lines and (if not edited to seem faster) highlighted Andrew's quick wit.

Final contestant for the evening was Jo Stanley. She emerged from backstage wearing pyjamas and a robe, and carrying a bath towel. She entered her scene to find a man in a bed who said he thought she's drown in "that shower". Jo replied, "Well, I wanna be sure this dirty girl is clean for you!", which was a clever response. When asked if there was any news about her Dad, she answered the same way I would have; saying that he was out of hospital now and was okay. Unfortunately, it turned out that her Dad had been in a bowling tournament, but she bluffed her way out of that one pretty well, describing how some of "those grandpas can get really aggressive", and because her Dad had been "winning too well", one of them "clocked" him on the head with one of those really heavy balls, and he spent a few days in the hospital as a result but was okay now ... and he still managed to come away with a bronze! I thought that final addition was excellent; bringing it back to the bowls tournament as it did. Enter a young schoolgirl, who Jo immediately embraced as her beloved daughter (what if it wasn't?). The girl wanted help with her homework about what her father does for a living, and was clearly meant to direct the question more obviously to Jo (rather than just to the room at large, as she did), because I also thought the father would ordinarily respond instead of everyone waiting for Jo to speak. After a slight pause, Jo turned to her husband and asked - in true 'angry wife' tones! - "Well; you wanna help your daughter with her homework?" When pressed to answer the question herself, Jo said he drives lorries (despite his correction), and that he wears a big jacket and a big pair of boots - that they sometimes play with after the girl's gone to bed. Their daughter gone, the father asked Jo about the shoes she'd apparently bought. "Derr, it's Thursday!" (This would also be 'blocked' later in the scene, when the husband mentioned that it was in fact Wednesday ... so the grab could be used in the ad for next week, as it turned out.) Enter a tall schoolboy, whom Jo again greeted cheerily as her son, then saying to her husband, "It's Bourke Street in here, isn't it!" Her one condition on her son being allowed to go to Schoolies Week was apparently that he scores. She didn't want him going all the way to Queensland if he didn't get to kiss a girl. (What a Mum!) The scene about to draw to a close, the husband started to get all lovey-dovey, saying, "It is Wednesday night, and you know what that means ..." before turning out the lights. After a moment's pause in the dark, Jo's voice was heard asking, "Do we not have any more children?" It was the perfect line with which to finish the scene.

The first pre-recorded bit placed our intrepid guest stars as taxi drivers being raked over hot coals by the manager of the depot. From complaints over the style of music they play in their taxis (heavy metal), to being caught on tape doing burnouts in an empty carpark at night, to looking at their taxi to find the back window smashed (and taped over with plastic and masking tape) and the car filled with cigarette butts, food and other rubbish, and missing its meter. Josh's answer to the heavy metal question was to agree, naming his favourite track, "Smack Ya Bitch Up". Andrew also agreed, saying the old woman didn't even want to sing along, even though he told her the words. He then sang two lines from Slayer's "Angel of Death" in true heavy metal fashion: "Angel of Death! / Monarch to the Kingdom of the Dead!" Sometimes it pays to be a music-head. I never would have known those words in a million years (and I had to look them up online so I could include the title and artist of the song here). When asked what Jo had said to the old woman who had asked her to turn the music down, she replied, "I said, 'Turn your hearing aid down, love!'" Josh assured his manager that he never let 'safety' get in the way of 'getting there quickly', and when Alan was asked if it considered himself a safe driver, he had to think long and hard about it, claiming that he'd never really thought about it before. When told he'd had 47 complaints levelled against him, Alan cheerfully replied, "Well, that's less than 50, though!" When shown the burnout footage, Josh was contrite ("I couldn't be more sorry - usually I'm twice as fast as that."), Andrew was proud ("See? Big G!"), and Alan was ecstatic, laughing maniacally at his own performance on film. When they looked at the car, and the manager asked Alan about the broken window, Alan replied, "That's not broken - I fixed it!" The manager then pointed out the half-eaten souvlaki in the back seat, to which Alan generously responded with, "You can have that if you want." Andrew confessed that it had been there since a customer left it behind five days ago, whereas Jo decided to chow down on it (much to the audience's disgust, because the shot of her eating it followed the statement from Andrew about it being five days old). Josh discovered an unopened bottle of wine in the back seat, and said how much that wasn't like him as he cracked it open. When asked where the meter was, Alan said he'd had to turn it upside down and use it as an ashtray, but that he uses a laissez-faire approach to charging customers (a statement that made the 'manager' crack a smile and quickly turn away from the camera). When the manager told Josh that he was thinking about revoking his license, Josh casually advised him not to worry about that because there are so many other problems in the world. And when asked what other job he might take up if he couldn't be a taxi driver, Alan proudly pointed to the plastic-covered window and proclaimed, "Well, a glazier, obviously, because that is some top quality work."

The second pre-recorded bit was a return to the segment for Totally Wild, again presented by real-life Totally Wild presenter, Jessica Skarratt. This time, she was filing a report about the job of a vetinarian at a major metropolitan zoo. Josh used a recurring gag in this bit about not being able to remember (or pronounce) the word 'giraffe', which extended by the end of the piece to include other nonsensical kinds of animals. When Jess asked what the fiercest creatures they've ever had to work with were, Josh said they'd had the Australian Idol finalists through the week before, while Andrew confessed to his fear of meerkats. Josh excelled when asked what the large flexible tube was for and he hurriedly threw it aside, saying, "That's just something I ordered off the 'net - it doesn't even work." Simply a zany response, or something far more suggestive? The beauty of it is, that line appealed to everyone; whether their minds were in the gutter or not. Josh's animals were in particular trouble: His elephant had athlete's foot, his tigers occasionally get boogie fever, and he'd been sending some "pretty risque" SMSes in order to get his gorillas to mate. Jo's elephant fared even worse: She'd had to cut off its tusk, then superglue it back on when it got caught, she was playing a chick flick for the reluctant gorillas, and whenever her giraffes get sick, she has so climb a ladder to give them their medicine ("The hardest part is getting it to stand still so you can put the ladder against its neck"). Andrew reported that his tiger once got a toddler caught between his teeth, and that he's been using incense, candles and Barry White records to get his gorillas to "get it on". Finally, Alan informed us that playing Gorillas in the Mist was akin to soft porn for gorillas, and that when his giraffe got whiplash, he had to buy thirty neck braces to cover its entire neck.

The group scene featured all four of our celebrities dressed up as nuns being called before their Mother Superior for their various misdemeanors. Andrew was Sister Andrea the Ever-So Chaste, Josh was Sister Beyonce the Jiggy ("Holler!"), Jo was Sister 2 Sister the Pop Group, and Alan was a very masculine and ocka-sounding Sister Bob the Gassy. The scene was not without its amusing moments, but mostly they revolved around Josh demonstrating how Shakira's music was inspirational (by turning around and wiggling his butt at the Mother Superior), and Alan making various references to passing wind (the other three moving away from him and Josh bringing a candle over to ignite the sulphur in the air were hilarious). The way Josh crossed his legs leaving his knees visible and Alan fluffed up his skirt after farting were also highly amusing ("If the kids are bad I give them a Dutch oven and that sorts them out"). And Alan's closing prayer sealed the deal: "Lord, I pray that if I smelt it, you dealt it."

In closing, I was pretty impressed with the show overall and each of the four performers, but it was definitely Josh's turn to win. I'm very glad that he finally did.


.

Lynnie Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Does anybody else find it peculiar (not to mention utterly unrealistic) that Lyn Scully, who has owned that ugly white box house on Ramsay Street for years, was conveniently shoved out of the house and into Paul Robinson's two doors down when the Baby Belt deal went south, and then when her boarders, the Timmins family, had the good fortune to have the house bought for them, they didn't immediately get Lyn to move back in? Or even consider her, in any way?

Think about it for a second: Lyn housed first Stingray, and then HIS ENTIRE FAMILY (all bar two older brothers we're yet to meet) out of the goodness of her heart for months and months (possibly more than a year; I've lost track), but when Loris Beaumont/Timmins bought the damn house for Janelle and the kids, no one thought that it'd be a great opportunity to return the favour to the newly-evicted Scullys? How about even handing the house back over to Lyn as a "thank you / don't feel bad for losing your house / look what good fortune has provided for us all!" kind of thing?

But instead of the very reasonable expectation that they'd want to help Lyn's newfound homelessness, Janelle and crew simply struck any thought of Lyn and Oscar from their minds and made themselves completely at home in the house in which they had effectively been free-loading.


Lyn opened her home to the Timmins family for years ...

... but Janelle shut her out when she obtained ownership.

Of course, I know the REAL reason behind it. As reported on TV Is My Life last month, Lyn and Oscar are soon to be leaving the series. And this means that the writers had to find a way to turn the possession of the house over to the characters who would be continuing to live in it - and the quicker it could happen, the better for all concerned.

It strikes me as odd that no mention was made of having to split the house with Lyn's estranged husband Joe Scully in Bendigo, but I guess the more speedily they rush through the whole process and the less they mention these things, the more likely no one will notice and think anything odd.

BUT THINKING ANYTHING ODD IS MY 'SPECIAL GIFT'!*

This is clearly an incident of the writers needing to change certain dynamics of the characters' living arrangements, and not wanting these very real-life complications arising to distract anyone from their previously-set plot course.

This is what you call a 'plot device', people. I mean, as if the owner of the house who'd opened her home up to this bogan family of leeches wouldn't be majorly upset and 'dark' that said bogans then acquired her home when she was the one down on her luck - and they hadn't extended her the same privilege and generosity she'd been showing them for so long. And as much as the Timmins family represents everything 'uncivilized' about the worst of Australian families, I think even they would naturally have wanted Lyn and Oscar to move in free-of-charge, in return for everything the Scullys had done for them.

It's like no one's going to mention the pink elephant in the room. This all-too-convenient avoidance of the topic from everyone concerned is a little too ... well, ... convenient for my money.

So it's a good thing it's on free-to-air TV, then.


* According to my high school careers counsellor.

.

Big Blogger - Scandal!

Tacky: Tonight, on Currant Affairs ... It was a worldwide phenomenon, but did Big Blogger wrought his own system? We'll take a look inside the dealings of this high-profile fake online reality TV show parody and speak to one of the Housemates who came to us to SPEAK OUT against what supposedly went on during the making of the show. We uncover the lies you were told, and the full extent of the corruption that is Big Blogger.

[Theme music is played. Title card: "Currant Affairs". Cut to self-absorbed TV 'reporter-cum-anchorwoman' sitting at a desk, rifling through various blank sheets of paper like she's solving the world's economy and we're just interrupting. As the music fades and the camera zooms in, she looks up and does her best to smile.]

Tacky: Hello, and welcome to the show. I'm Tacky Grimface. Well, it was a runaway success for TV Is My Life, but how much can you believe about what Big Blogger told you? Well, for starters, nothing. That's right, it turns out that most of the details Big Blogger shared with his audience were falsified. Our investigative reporter, Lee Porter, reported this report.

[Cut to the story. We see a woman in silhouette talking to the camera. Her face and voice have been obscured, but her English accent is still prominent.]

Pomgirl: Yeah, I was totally shocked when I realised how many lies we were being told. Both us as Housemates, and the general population reading at home. Everything was based on a web of lies! [She breaks down, sobbing.]

Lee: Those are the words of our anonymous source from inside Big Blogger. Four months ago, Big Blogger was launched on the runaway success blog TV Is My Life, and although everyone involved with the production of the show that we approached for a comment refused to be interviewed, one of the show's disgruntled former Housemates approached us.

Pomgirl: It's just wrong. Somebody has to teach them a lesson. They can't get away with this.


Pomgirl declined to be identified

Lee: So, what of the lies? It turns out that the first lie, about the "runaway success story" of the blog itself, is complete and utter crap.

Knobby Scientist Type: Uh, that's right, Lee. We've had a look at the ratings summary for TV Is My Life, and they come out at a woeful average of about 38 visits per day. That means the site sometimes has as few daily visitors as just 20.

Lee: And is that low?

Knobby Scientist Type: Even my blog on boring science matters (which I won't go into here) attracts upwards of 250 visitors a day. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.

Lee: I see. So the claim that the blog and indeed the fake online reality TV show parody itself are a runaway success would be?

Knobby Scientist Type: <BEEP>ing <BEEP>, Lee.

Lee: Whoa. That's a big lie, then.

Knobby Scientist Type: It certainly is. [He catches a bit of drool hanging from his bottom lip just in time.] Oops, sorry about that.

Lee: But perhaps the greatest deceit was one that was perpetrated upon the show's contestants themselves. Chief amongst the lies was the line Housemates and readers alike were fed that said, "I've cut out twelve pieces of paper and written a different Housemate's name on each piece. I'll draw one out of a hat for each eviction ... and that's the person who will be evicted." (Source). According to our anonymous Big Blogger informant, this is far from the truth.

Pomgirl: No, it never happened like that. That's a load of bunk.

Lee: So what did happen? How were evictions decided?

Pomgirl: As far as I'm aware, some kind of chocolate packet was used instead.

[A dramatic discord is played.]

Lee: That's right. Currant Affairs has been able to obtain this photograph, taken the week Tammiodo was evicted, which highlights the so-called "eviction procedure" in all its seedy detail.




Pomgirl: See, if you click on that photo, you'll be able to view the larger version and you'll notice that our names weren't being drawn out of a hat at all. The statement from Big Blogger that they were, was a total fabrication and a misrepresentation of the truth. We were lied to.

Lee: But that's not all.

Pomgirl: Yeah it is.

Lee: So there you have it. Another example of network big-wigs feeding lies to the average Joe reading their computer screens at home or in the office when they really should be working. And why do we keep letting them get away with it?

Pomgirl: I think it's because they hold all the power. Big Blogger -- who I've never met, by the way -- is constantly making up stories and lies to maintain power and control over something that was really running amok from the early days. I mean, did you know that I won the UK version of Big Blogger, but when I came all the way down here, all they gave me were a couple of pieces of junk for all my time in the House?

Lee: But ... I thought you wanted to remain anonymous.

[Pause.]

Pomgirl: Yeah, I do. I said that someone in the House won the UK version of Big Blogger and only got junk for her troubles. Great value, too, that girl. I forget her name. "Pommygirl" or something. Top chick. Really attractive.

Lee: Well, that's the truth of the matter. Something this "Big Blogger" person could learn to administer every now and then. Of course, for some, it's a case of "too little, too late".

[We see the footage from earlier being played for us again, showing Pomgirl sobbing -- but this time, it's played in slow-motion.]


Big Blogger: Fraudster or cheat?
We deny that they mean the same thing.

Lee: Is Big Blogger just a Big Bully? Or how about a Big Bother? Maybe he's a Big Brother? No, wait -- that one's taken. Well, at any rate, he's a big nuisance, and hopefully the show will never see the light of another computer screen. This reporter, Lee Porter, finds it utterly abominable that such trickery and deceit can be allowed to continue on the Internet in this country. Or however far the Internet reaches these days. For Currant Affairs, this is reporter Lee Porter reporting.

[Cut back to Tacky in the studio.]

Tacky: Mmmm. That's certainly a timely warning for anyone wanting to get involved in a future series of that particular fake online reality TV show parody. You have been warned. [She takes a breath and tries to smile.] Coming up after the break: Neighbours' Connor O'Neill. Is he really dead or alive? Our insider tells the whole story.


Bouncer: Arf! Arf! Rrrrrr ... arf!

[Music plays us to the break.]


.

Australian Idol - Final 8

Wrong.

Freakin'.

Decision.

Australia.





.

Big Blogger - GRAND FINALE!!

[A soft drum-roll is heard.]

Mike: [Voice over] Previously, on Big Blogger …

[As Mike continues to give his voice over, we see various clips of footage, from the Housemates going into the House, to each individual eviction. We see snippets of each new Intruder and Special Guest going in to the House, and quick shots of each eviction show with Feral Killmen and a cheering crowd. We see amusing shots of each Friday Night Live mishap, spill and thrill, and a shot of each FNL winner holding their trophy above their head. We see the grouped Housemates on each eviction night sitting on the couch, and we then proceed through the weeks in rapid-fire, watching the group get smaller and smaller until only three Housemates remain.]

Mike: [Voice over] Four months ago, twelve Housemates were sent into the Big Blogger House for the first time. Each week, Housemates were given grueling tasks to perform and harsh restrictions to live under. As the weeks went by, Housemates were gradually evicted. Over time, we saw six Intruders, one International Special Guest, and even a formerly evicted Housemate go into the House, bringing the total number of Housemates up to twenty individuals. Eventually, we reached the final week, and nine Housemates were quickly whittled down to the final few. Tonight, only three Housemates remain. Who will win what’s left of the two million dollar prize money? …

[Theme music is heard: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] From InYourDreamsWorld on the Mornington Peninsula, this is the 2006 Big Blogger Grand Finale!

[The audience goes wild as a techno beat starts pumping. Lights flash on and off across the stage and a pair of spotlights act more like searchlights as they weave around and around the entire set in excitement. The techno beat begins to build until a laser show starts up, looking very 80s but creating the desired effect because the audience begins to scream like it’s the most amazing thing they’ve ever seen.]








[The gigantic TV screen at the centre-back of the stage shows the Housemates’ faces in order of their evictions, each face changing to each new beat, the audience cheering their personal favourites. Finally, the final three Housemates’ faces appear on screen, and keep flicking back and forth between themselves, with a giant question mark alternating between each of their faces. The music picks up as the faces and question marks flick past faster and faster. The audience gets more and more carried away with its screaming as the excitement continues to build. Finally, the music erupts into the full Big Blogger theme, and the audience reaches a new level of mania as Feral appears at the top of a heretofore-unused flight of stairs at the back of the set. The spotlights immediately find her, and she waves to the roaring crowd.]

Mike: [Voice over] And now, please welcome your host, Feral Killmen!

Feral: [Calling out over the cheering audience] Hello everyone!

[The audience screams back at her in a state of delirium, and Feral starts to descend down the staircase, stopping to wave again every two or three steps. The music is still going ballistic and the lights are going mental. Feral eventually reaches the bottom of the stairs and walks to the centre of the stage. The music fades away, the lights calm down, and the audience finally takes a seat … but is asked to put it back.]

Feral: Thank you Mike, hello everybody!

[The audience yells cheerfully back at her, frothing at the mouth.]

Feral: Hello and welcome to Big Blogger’s Grand Finale!

[The audience goes nuts again. It looks like it’s going to be a long night if they keep interrupting her after every sentence.]

Feral: Okay, calm down, calm down. [They don’t.] Alright, that’s enough. [The keep going for another two minutes.] Shut the <BEEP> up! [They ignore her and cheer for an additional three minutes.] Ninja!

[The Big Blogger Ninja runs on with a fire hose and points it at the audience.]

Ninja: Who wants to be covered with spray? [The crowd continues to roar. The Ninja turns the nozzle on the end of the hose and sprays the audience with the full power of the fire hose. Audience members are knocked backwards from the force of the blast, and finally stop cheering. Slightly shaken, they stand up again and splutter a bit. They are soaked from head to toe.]

Ninja: Awesome! [He scurries off stage.]

Feral: Okay, now that I have your attention, let’s get this party started by crossing live to the House and chatting with our three remaining Housemates.

[Cut to live footage of the final three Housemates sitting together on the couch, all dressed up and nowhere to go. They are all clearly very excited and can’t stop grinning from ear to ear to ear and back again.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Aghh! Hello! / Oooh! It’s Feral! / Hey-hey! / etc.

[The audience goes nuts again, cheering uncontrollably throughout the whole interview.]

Feral: How are you feeling?

MelbourneGirl: I’m so <BEEP>in’ nervous, Feral!

Feral: Of course you are.

Gav: I’m just amazed that I’m still in here.

Enny: Me too, I don’t understand how an Intruder has lasted this long.

Feral: Well, you’ve all done an outstanding job of being Housemates we’ve loved to love … and hated to love … so why don’t we take a look back at your time in the House.

Enny: Oooh! Cool!

[Cut to a pre-prepared video package, showing different shots of MelbourneGirl, Gav and Enny frolicking about and having a great time over the past four months, slowed down and put to “Wind Beneath My Wings”. We see Enny swimming in the pool as Gav ‘bombs’ into the pool. The water splashes MelbourneGirl, who is sunbathing nearby. She jumps up in fright, screaming angrily at him. Even though she’s moving in slow motion, we can clearly make out what she’s yelling. We see Enny and MelbourneGirl sitting on a bed, doing their nails together and laughing. We see Gav, quite bored on his own, staring at the ceiling and spinning around and around on the spot until he loses his balance and falls over the back of the couch. We see all three of them having dinner outside, making a toast and charging their glasses. We see MelbourneGirl relaxing in the sauna. We see Gav working out furiously in the gym. We see Enny picking bits of bacon out of her salad, a look of disgust on her face. We see MelbourneGirl and Enny hugging and crying as they share a girlie moment. We see Gav watching them hug, rolling his eyes. We see all three of them running around and laughing in the backyard. Enny falls over, perhaps from a lack of protein and energy, and the other two jump on top of her, “stacks-on”-style, and all three laugh themselves silly as the song draws to a close.]

[Cut back to the House, with Feral on the TV screen in the lounge. The audience is going cr-a-zy with heartfelt screams of joy at the collection of Big Blogger moments they have just witnessed.]

MelbourneGirl: [Drying her eye] That was amazing.

Enny: I can’t believe how much fun it’s been in here.

Gav: Wow, that’s incredible.

Feral: So tell me, guys – what did you think?

[Pause.]

Gav: We just told you.

MelbourneGirl: I thought it was amazing.

Enny: I said it’s been heaps of fun.

Gav: And I said it was incredible to see it back like that.

Feral: [Completely missing their irritation with her] That’s great!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

MelbourneGirl: Oooh!

Big Blogger: There will be an eviction in twenty minutes. That is all.

[The Housemates squeal and gabble at each other in excitement. The audience roars at the announcement.]

Feral: Well, it looks like things are moving along, so we’ll leave you to yourselves for a while, but you’ll be able to watch what’s going on here on the stage, simply by watching this TV screen, okay?

MelbourneGirl: Cool! Thanks, Feral!

Gav: This is so exciting.

Enny: Oh, all the best, you guys!

Gav: You too.

MelbourneGirl: Best of luck to us all.

Gav: Yeah.

Enny: May the best blogger win.

[Beat.]

MelbourneGirl: Who wants a cuppa?

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Okay, well while they’re getting comfortable, how about we introduce our former Housemates one last time, eh?

[The audience cheers its approval.]

Feral: Let’s bring them out here, one at a time, in order of their eviction … or re-eviction, as the case may be. And we begin with a little lady who was one of two people kicked out of the House way back in our very first eviction show! She had one of the briefest stays in the House, but we can’t get enough of her. Please join me in welcoming her back to the stage; it’s No Dramas!

[The audience cheers for No Dramas as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hi No Dramas, how are you?

No Dramas: Great thanks, Feral!

Feral: What have you been up to since we saw you last?

No Dramas: Just doing the appearances we’re locked into with our contracts.

Feral: What fun!

No Dramas: No, not really. But my lawyers advise me that I’m pretty much sewn up with the fine print you guys have written in there.

Feral: Yeah, we’re good like that. [To the audience] And evicted on the same night as No Dramas was this young man, who’s been very busy with his own media commitments since leaving the House. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s John Surname!

[The audience cheers for John Surname as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Welcome back, John Surname.

John Surname: Thanks, Feral. It’s great to be back. So I can promote my film again.

Feral: Well, maybe later. Tell me, apart from making that short film, have you been having a great time since leaving the Big Blogger House?

John Surname: Absolutely. If you replace “Abso-” with “Hell” and “-lutely” with “no”.

Feral: [Not really listening] That’s fantastic. Moving right along, our third evictee is the loving fiancé to one of our final Housemates, and a rabid Collingwood supporter. Between being evicted so early on, and the way the AFL ladder ended up this year, he probably hasn’t been having a very good few months. So let’s make a point of sharing the love with Clokeeeey!

[The audience cheers for Clokeeeey as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Good evening, Clokeeeey.

Clokeeeey: Hi Feral.

Joffa: [From the crowd] Leave Collingwood alone, ya <BEEP>!

Feral: [To Joffa] Oh goodie. You’re back. [She turns back to Clokeeeey.] So tell me, what’s life been like at home without your beloved MelbourneGirl?

Clokeeeey: [The relief clearly showing in his expression] Ohhhhh … bliss.

Feral: You realise she’ll be coming home tonight no matter which way it goes, right?

Clokeeeey: [His smile fading] Yeah.

Feral: On to our next evictee. It was a sad night indeed when we had to send this little beacon of light packing from the House. Say hello to LittleFaerieGirl!

[The audience cheers for LittleFaerieGirl as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: How are you doing, LittleFaerieGirl?

LittleFaerieGirl: Great thanks! [She giggles.]

Feral: Still living in that share house with the other girls?

LittleFaerieGirl: Yep!

Feral: What did you call it, again?

LittleFaerieGirl: Oh, we didn't call it again - we just called it the one time. Since then it’s had the same name.

Feral: [Confused] Um, yes … but what’s the name?

LittleFaerieGirl: The “We All Rule So Suck A Fart Everybody Else” house. Or just “WARSSAFEE” for short.

Feral: “WARSSAFEE”, that’s right. Rolls off the tongue, really, doesn’t it.

LittleFaerieGirl: Depends on whose tongue it is, I guess.

Feral: Um, yes. Ahem. Anyway, one of LittleFaerieGirl’s real-life housemates is the next Big Blogger Housemate evicted. They were evicted on the same night and set up the “WARSSAFEE” house the following week. Let’s bring her out to join us, say hello to Audrey & The Bad Apples!

[The audience cheers for Audrey & The Bad Apples as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Greetings, Aud.

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Ooh, I don’t think you’ve ever called me that before.

Feral: I’m just trying to save our website transcribers some time. You’ve got a very long name!

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Yeah, well I told Big Blogger right back at Day One that he could simply call me ‘Audrey’ if he wanted to, but he’s a stickler for doing things ‘properly’.

Feral: [Looking around at the set, which is made entirely from pipecleaners, papier-mâché, old toilet rolls and the hardest-working safety pin in show business] Yeeeeeeeees …

Audrey & The Bad Apples: Still, I’ve been having a great time living with the girls.

Feral: That’s great. So it’s you, LittleFaerieGirl, Dxxxx and Tammiodo, isn’t it?

Audrey & The Bad Apples: That’s right. And it rocks!!

Feral: I’m sure it does. Well, why don’t we get the other girls out here as well. First things first, it’s Dxxxx!

[The audience cheers for Dxxxx as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hey there!

Dxxxx: Hey! Wassup?

Feral: Oh, not much. Just doing a little Grand Finale show, you know.

Dxxxx: [Sagely] Yeah. [Brightening] Oh, hey! Maybe you could come and live with us in the WARSSAFEE house as well! You can share my room!

Feral: [Taken aback] Um, no … thanks. I’m fine.

Dxxxx: Fair enough.

Feral: What have you been up to since we saw you last, Dxxxx?

Dxxxx: Well, I just completed my doctorate in nuclear physics two days ago.

Feral: Wow! I didn’t realise you were even studying nuclear physics while you were in the House!

Dxxxx: I wasn’t. I felt that I came across as a bit of an airhead in my last Big Blogger appearance, so I went away and enrolled in a three-week intensive crash course.

[Pause.]

Feral: [Truly in awe] My goodness. That’s incredible. I don’t know what to say.

[Dxxxx is beaming with pride. Pause.]

Feral: So … hang on … who offers a three-week intensive crash course to get a doctorate in nuclear physics?!

Dxxxx: The Ponds Institute.

Feral: Ah.

[Dxxxx continues to beam, although Feral is now noticeably less impressed.]

Feral: On that note, I’d like to introduce you all to the fourth and final member of the WARSSAFEE house: Tammiodo!

[The audience cheers for Tammiodo as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Welcome, Tammiodo!

Tammiodo: Thank you very much, Feral. It’s great to see you again.

Feral: Thank you for saying so. Are you still riding the wave of fame since being evicted from the Big Blogger House?

Tammiodo: Um, no. Not really. I’ve been a little flat and disinterested of late, actually. Really lathargic and unmotivated and stuff.

Feral: Oh! That’s no good to hear. Maybe it’s just the slump of some sort of post-Big Blogger depression.

Tammiodo: [Noncommital] Myeh.

Feral: Or maybe it’s a sign that you’re about to delete your blog and get a life!

Tammiodo: [Laughing] Ha! Unlikely!

[They both laugh at the prospect. As if!!]

Feral: [Wiping tears from her eyes] Well, moving right along, we come to a young man who got quite a bit of action, considering the length of time he spent in the House. I speak of course of Big Blogger’s own Casanova, Tyson!

[The audience cheers for Tyson as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hi Tyson.

Tyson: G’day Feral.

Feral: What’s it like being the ladies man of the series?

Tyson: A little surreal.

Feral: You’re used to working in the theatre, though, aren’t you?

Tyson: Yeah …

Feral: So you’d be used to that kind of behaviour from cast parties and the like?

Tyson: Hmm, when you put it like that … yeah, it’s pretty normal.

Feral: Excellent. Okay, our next evicted Housemate spent most of his time in the House trying desperately to prevent people from nominating him, but couldn’t do anything about the public’s inevitable decision. Put your hands together for TOBYtoby!

[The audience cheers for TOBYtoby as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hi, TOBYtoby.

TOBYtoby: Hey there, Feral.

Feral: Has the public been any more forgiving of you and your Insider missions since I spoke to you last?

TOBYtoby: Yes.

[Awkward pause. Feral probably expected more from him than this.]

Feral: Well, … that’s good to hear. [Pause.] Is there any reason you’re not talking to me?

TOBYtoby: Free th’ refugees.

Feral: [Under her breath] Oh crap.

TOBYtoby: Free th’ refugees.

Feral: Yes, free th’m. Free th’m all. I get it. Good one. Who’s next? Oh yeah, that’s right. Of all the people whose surnames are Watts, including my <BEEP> of a Year 10 Science teacher, this guy’s in my top five. It’s RichardWatts!

[The audience cheers for RichardWatts as the Ninja escorts him onto stage. He takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hello, RichardWatts.

RichardWatts: How ya going, Feral?

Feral: Great, thanks. And you?

RichardWatts: Yeah, I’m ace.

Feral: That’s good. Now, you’ll be pleased to hear I’m not gonna make any sexuality-based references this time, seeing as you got a little miffed about it last time.

RichardWatts: Thank you, Feral. I appreciate that.

Feral: It’s not because you’re ashamed of your sexuality, though, is it.

RichardWatts: Oh goodness me, no. But there’s more to me than just that.

Feral: Of course, of course. [Pause. Neither of them can think of anything to say.]

[Pause continues.]

[The pause is still going. It’s a long pause.]

[Someone at the back of the audience coughs.]

[The pause keeps on keeping on.]

Feral: [Glancing at her watch] Ooh, look at the time. We’d better get a move on. It was nice talking to you again, RichardWatts.

RichardWatts: You too, Feral.

Feral: If you could just slide up the couch a bit, we’re about halfway through the former Housemates, now. [To RichardWatts, as he slides along the couch] Oh, you forgot your handbag.

RichardWatts: Oh yeah, thanks. [He picks it up and slides along the couch.]

Feral: And the colourful temptress who was evicted on the same night as TOBYtoby and RichardWatts joins us next … give a big warm welcome, everyone, to Steph!

[The audience cheers for Steph as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hiya, Steph!

Steph: Hi there!

Feral: What up, yo?

Steph: Oh, just the usual. Pimping myself out to any radio or TV station that’ll have me.

Feral: So no different to a normal Saturday night for you, then?

Steph: [Outraged] Feral! Of course it’s different! [Beat.] It wasn’t radio and TV stations before …

Feral: Good point. Thanks for making that distinction.

Steph: [Looking upwards, as if able to step outside the ‘reality’ of the piece and communicate directly with the writer, somehow] Exactly when did my character degenerate into such a tramp-for-hire?

Unseen Voice: When I was writing this section at 4am and had run out of ideas. Sorry.

Steph: [Sighs] Whatever.

Feral: [Who has missed this brief exchange completely] Well, that’s it for the former Housemates we caught up with last time. We’ve only seen the evicted Housemates that follow, the night they actually were evicted. And it all starts with Elaine!

[The audience cheers for Elaine as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hi Elaine, welcome back to Big Blogger!

Elaine: Thanks, Feral. I promised myself I wouldn’t use pirate-talk tonight, so please don’t ask me to.

Feral: I didn’t intend to.

Elaine: Oh, alright. You talked me into it. Argh, me hearties!

[The audience goes into a chant for Elaine’s pirate-talk. They love it.]

Feral: Well, that’s quite a reaction.

Elaine: You should hear the things people yell out to me on the street.

Feral: Like what?

Elaine: I’m not gonna tell you; I said you should hear it!

Feral: I … see …

Elaine: Besides, it’s a bit too ‘blue’ for this timeslot / family blog.

Feral: Okay then. No argument here. I just wanted to ask you, though … did you end up hooking up with our Ninja after your eviction show?

Elaine: Yeah, but not really. I thought the eye-patch was a fashion accessory he’d put on in my honour, but it turns out he was partially blinded in that eye earlier in the week. And his ‘wooden leg’ didn’t turn out to be half as impressive as he’d claimed.

Feral: So it didn’t work out?

Elaine: Nah.

Feral: How disappointing for him.

Elaine: [Brightening] Thanks, Feral!

Feral: Our next former Housemate was relatively quiet inside the House, but still managed to create quite a storm … with a bit of help from Steph. Please say hello to Sublime-ation!

[The audience cheers for Sublime-ation as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hello, Sublime-ation.

Sublime-ation: Hi Feral.

Feral: How’s the outside world been treating you?

Sublime-ation: Okay, I guess. I certainly seem to be a lot better known now that I’m out of the House. This competition has done wonders for me!

Feral: Well, that’s exciting to know! That means we can charge you twice the agents’ fee for any public appearances you make.

Sublime-ation: [Her bubble burst] Oh. Great.

Feral: But enough of that. Let’s look at what inspired you to sign up for Big Blogger in the first place.

Sublime-ation: Well, it was because I really wanted to get involved in a House that’d do wonders for my self-esteem.

Feral: Getting evicted because the majority of the reading public couldn’t stand you must’ve taken a beating, then!

Sublime-ation: [Just realising this now] Yeahhh …

Feral: Nice one. Well, that brings us to our next former Housemate, one who was a bundle of energy that belied her diminutive size. A visitor to our fair shores who’s already enjoyed success in the UK version of Big Blogger. I speak, of course, of Pomgirl.

[The audience cheers for Pomgirl as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: G’day Pomgirl.

Pomgirl: [Trying to imitate an Australian accent – but doing a terrible job, as most non-Australians do] “Guddoy.”

Feral: [Trying to laugh good-naturedly, but her opinion of Pomgirl’s crap imitation shows through clearly] Aha-ha. Ha. Ha. That’s really good.

Pomgirl: Thanks, I’m really good at accents. And at acting in general, if there are any talent scouts reading the show.

Feral: There won’t be. I’ve still got this gig, haven’t I?!

[The audience chuckles, but they don’t think Feral’s very funny.]

Pomgirl: All I know is I’d like to star in a weekly drama or something.

Feral: Big Blogger wasn’t enough for you?

Pomgirl: I have higher aspirations, Feral. I dream of being on Neighbours, or Home & Away, or Hey, Dad!

Feral: Well, all the best with that.

Pomgirl: Cheers!

Feral: Moving right along, from a visitor to our country to a visitor to our planet. Well, … sort of … it’s Mars!

[The audience cheers for Mars as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hello, Mars.

Mars: Hi Feral.

Feral: I hope you don’t mind that little reference to your name.

Mars: Nah, I get it all the time.

Feral: That’s good. So how did you enjoy your Big Blogger experience?

Mars: It was cool! I had heaps of fun and met some ace people!

Feral: Who’s been your favourite?

Mars: Oh, I couldn’t name favourites.

Feral: Who’s your least favourite, then?

Mars: Oh, I couldn’t name least favourites, either.

Feral: So what could you name?

Mars: Um … all nine planets?

[Feral just looks at her.]

Mars: [Trying to make it sound good] … In order??

Feral: [Flatly] Go on, then.

Mas: Ahem. Venus, Mer—

Feral: Bzzzt. Wrong. [Cheerily, to the camera] Okay then, our penultimate former Housemate is probably the one I’ve come to know the best, simply because of all the conversations I had with her each week she was nominated for eviction. Well, she was finally evicted, and here she is: Magical_M!

[The audience cheers for Magical_M as the Ninja escorts her onto stage. She takes a seat on the oversized couch, smiling and waving at the audience.]

Feral: Hello Magical_M, how are you?

Magical_M: I’m hottt, Feral! Remember?!

Feral: Hehe, yes I do. It seemed to be a recurring theme there for a while.

Magical_M: Well, I was recurringly hottt.

Feral: Mmm. So anyway, you’ve only been out of the House now for a few days.

Magical_M: I know! But it feels like two weeks, at least.

Feral: Yeah, there seems to be a bit of that going around. But my question is: Has it had a chance to sink in yet that you were on the Internet’s most loved fake online reality TV show parody?

[There is a pause while Magical_M considers the question.]

Magical_M: Nuh.

Feral: Excellently put.

Magical_M: Thanks!

Feral: And finally – yes, we’re at the end of the list, folks – it’s the former Housemate you hated so much, you evicted him twice! He was Evictee Number 4 but was sent back into the House to become Evictee Number 18 as well. Our most recent evictee who only left the House – for the second time – 48 hours ago, please make him feel welcome: Javatari!

[The audience cheers for Javatari as the Ninja sticks his head out of the wings.]

Ninja: He’s not back here!

[Suddenly, Javatari appears from his hiding place, inside the Ninja’s breast pocket.]

Javatari: Shazam!

Ninja: Awesome, dude!

[The Ninja escorts Javatari onto stage, and indicates the final spot on the oversized couch. Javatari sits, then turns to smile and wave at the audience. The Ninja leaves the stage, muttering to himself in amazement.]

Ninja: I didn’t even know Ninja outfits had a breast pocket! …

Feral: Javatari, I have to begin by asking you if being evicted the second time was any easier than being evicted the first time.

Javatari: Alright. [Pause.] Go on, then. Ask me.

Feral: I just asked you.

Javatari: No you didn’t; you simply informed me of what you wanted to ask me.

Feral: [Sighing heavily; under her breath] I wish we had commercial breaks on this show so I could have even the slightest rest every ten minutes! [To Javatari] Was being evicted the second time any easier than being evicted the first time?

Javatari: Oooh, good question. You’ll have to give me time to think …

Feral: You’ve just had … look, never mind. I think you’re sitting on your magic wand funny. [She indicates the bulge in his pants pocket.]

Javatari: [Looking down; embarrassed] Um, yes … my magic wand … thank you. [He adjusts it hurriedly.]

Feral: [Closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead as if she can feel a headache coming on] Oh good grief. [Loudly, to the audience] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your evicted Big Blogger Housemates for 2006!

[The audience goes ballistic with excitement and applause for the former Housemates. The applause dies down after about 90 seconds.]

Feral: [Addressing the former Housemates] Well, now that you’re all gathered here together on stage and you’ve just finished settling in on this massively-oversized couch, I’m going to get you to get up and go backstage again to prepare for your big musical number.

[The audience goes “Oooooh!”]

Feral: That’s right, the evicted Housemates have been rehearsing together for the past few days to bring you a spectacular presentation that will hopefully impress you all. But not before we evict our second runner-up. So you guys go and get changed, and we’ll see you very soon.

[The audience cheers and applauds as the former Housemates exit the stage, smiling and waving at the crowd as they go.]

Feral: While they’re back there getting ready, and just before we cross to the House to evict the first of tonight’s runners-up, let’s have one last look back at the Housemates’ time in the Big Blogger House. If you’ve wondered what it’s been like for the final three in that big, empty House on their own, here’s your chance to find out! We’ve put together a small package of today’s events. Here’s what happened on the Housemates’ final day:

[Cut to footage of the House. MelbourneGirl, Enny and Gav are sitting on the stools in the kitchen, eating their breakfast at the kitchen bench.]

Enny: What do you guys want to do today?

Gav: I dunno. What can we do?

MelbourneGirl: I wanna break into the Rewards Room!

Enny: Yeah! And see if there’s any chocolate or alcohol left in there!

Gav: Actually, that’d be cool.

MelbourneGirl: I reckon we’d probably get fined again, though.

Gav: Hmm.

[Pause.]

MelbourneGirl: Maybe we can just sit outside in the sun and have a quiet one?

Enny: Yeah … work on our tans.

[Gav rolls his eyes as if to say, “Again?”]

MelbourneGirl: I could make us all a cup of tea!

Enny: You sure drink a lot of tea, MelbourneGirl.

MelbourneGirl: Not really. I usually just make it for everyone else.

Gav: Hey, I just had a thought. Whatever happened to the Big Blogger Farm?

[There is a pause. Cut to the three Housemates prying open the secret door in the backyard that leads to the enclosed Big Blogger Farm. We do not see inside, but we watch the expressions on their faces. MelbourneGirl looks distraught. Enny looks disgusted. Gav looks horrified.]

Enny: Oh, yuck! [She turns away with a hand to her mouth, as if to prevent herself from vomiting.]

MelbourneGirl: <BEEP>ing <BEEP>! Those poor <BEEP>in’ animals. Big Blogger is such a <BEEP> for letting this happen to them. Who was meant to be looking after the <BEEP>in’ things?!?

Gav: Help me close this door. I think it’s broken.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. MelbourneGirl. For calling Big Blogger “a <BEEP>”, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

MelbourneGirl: Well it’s true! [She points into the Big Blogger Farm.] Look in there! Who's responsible for that?!

Big Blogger: [Ignoring her] Gav. For the destruction of Big Blogger property, that’s a five thousand dollar fine. That is all.

Gav: [Under his breath] Piece of <BEEP>.

Big Blogger: What did you say?

Gav: I said, “Peace be with you.”

Big Blogger: And also with you. That is all. [Beat.] Again.

Enny: [Who is on her hands and knees, her head in the bushes of the garden] Can someone get me a facecloth?

MelbourneGirl: I will.

Enny: And a glass of water.

MelbourneGirl: I’ll get you a cuppa.

[Cut to later. The Housemates are lying on deckchairs in the backyard, their backs to the jammed-open doorway to the Big Blogger Farm.]

Gav: I wonder when this is gonna end.

Enny: I reckon either today or tomorrow.

MelbourneGirl: What day is it? Friday?

Gav: Yep.

Enny: I think so.

MelbourneGirl: I reckon Sunday or Monday. That’s when they usually end these things, right?

Gav: Hmm, maybe.

Enny: [To Gav] When do you think it’ll end?

Gav: I agree with you. Today or tomorrow. [Pause.] Or Sunday or Monday. Or one day next week. [He grins as Enny throws a cushion at him.]

Enny: Cop out!

[They all laugh.]

[Cut to later in the day. The Housemates are enjoying a spa together.]

MelbourneGirl: I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve seen Clokeeeey.

Gav: What’s the longest time you guys have been apart, before Big Blogger?

MelbourneGirl: About ten hours.

Enny: No way!!

Gav: You serious?

MelbourneGirl: Yep.

Enny: In how long?

MelbourneGirl: Ohhh, … about … three years.

Gav: You’ve GOT to be kidding.

MelbourneGirl: Nope, I’m being 100% honest.

Enny: How could you cope without seeing him this long?!

Gav: Forget that; how could you cope living out of each others’ back pockets so much?!

MelbourneGirl: It really wasn’t so bad; we’re perfect for each other, so it was never a hassle. As for how I’ve coped going this long without him, … that’s been pretty tough.

Enny: You haven’t shown it!

MelbourneGirl: Plot device.

Enny: Huh?

MelbourneGirl: Retcon.

Enny: What are you talking about?

MelbourneGirl: MacGuffin.

Enny: Who’s that? MG, I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Gav: Don’t worry about it, Enny. It’s not important.

[Cut to later in the day. The Housemates are seated at the dining room table, eating an early dinner.]

Gav: This is great, MG. Thanks for cooking.

Enny: Yeah – thanks, MG!

MelbourneGirl: That’s alright. I hope it tastes okay. We’re pretty much out of everything, so I had to use whatever I could find lying around.

Enny: [Stops eating; looking cautious] Do I want to know?

MelbourneGirl: No.

[Enny continues eating. Gav looks at MelbourneGirl questioningly. MelbourneGirl looks out the window meaningfully, at the still-ajar door to the Big Blogger Farm. Gav laughs. MelbourneGirl looks down at her food, smirking. Enny looks up at them, confused by their smiles and laughter, but neither of them catch her eye.]

[Cut to later in the day. The Housemates are in the kitchen, washing and drying their dishes from dinner.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

Enny: Oooohh! It’s happening!

Big Blogger: Housemates. You have ten minutes to be seated on the couch in the lounge. That is all.

Gav: This is it.

MelbourneGirl: Ooh goodie, ooh goodie, ooh goodie!

Enny: [Scraping some leftovers into the bin] Hey, what’s this? [She picks a lamb’s skull out of the bin. It is partly stripped of meat and looks quite gory. She looks at the others accusingly while they pretend to be innocent bystanders.] I think I’m gonna be sick.

[Cut back to Feral on stage. The audience is going wild.]

Feral: Well, there you have it: The final 24 hours in the Big Blogger House! And now it’s time to end the dream for one of our final three Housemates. They’ve all done a magnificent job, but only one of them can win. And before we get to that announcement, we have to evict one last unlucky soul who came so close, and yet not close enough.

[Cut to the House, where the three final Housemates are still seated on the couch.]

Feral: Hello, House.

Housemates: Oh boy / Here we go, huh? / Hi Feral / etc.

Feral: Are you ready for this?

Gav: No!

Enny: Not really.

Feral: Well, unfortunately you don’t get an option.

MelbourneGirl: Far out, this is stressful!

Feral: I’m being handed the envelope now, so whoever’s name I read out will be our third-place winner for Big Blogger 2006. Okay. Here we go. It’s time to go … [Camera pans across the Housemates’ faces extremely slowly.] It’s time to go, Enny!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates react in surprise and shock.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh no! [She bursts into tears.]

Enny: Don’t cry, MG! It’s alright!

Gav: I’m so sorry, Enny. [They hug.]

Enny: Don’t worry about it. Seriously! I’m fine. I’ve had a great time.

MelbourneGirl: [Crying] Mwhahahahahahahahahaha. [They hug.]

Enny: I know, sweetie. I know.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Enny, you have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

Enny: Yes sir!

Big Blogger: Enny. For calling Big Blogger “sir”, that’s a five thousand dollar fine.

Enny: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Gav: Don’t worry about that, babe. Focus on what a great job you did! You came all the way through to the final three! Probably the final day!

Enny: Yeah, I know. Congratulations to all of us, hey?

MelbourneGirl: [Crying] Wemewemeweme-huh-uh-uh-uhhhhh.

Enny: That’s right, darling, I know.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. Enny, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

Enny: No wuckas. Listen, guys. I don’t care who wins; you’re both ace people and it’s been great getting to know you. Have a great time in here for however long’s left, and I’ll see you real soon! [She hugs them both again, then walks up to the Diary Room door. She steps through the doorway and the door closes behind her, while MelbourneGirl and Gav wave and call out encouraging things to her, like “Way to go!” and “On ya!”]

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Well! That’s certainly an upset for the books!

Ninja: [From offstage] Aww, CRAP!

Feral: While Enny makes her way up here, let’s take a look at a collection of “Best Of” moments from the Adults Only special that never went to air.

[Cut to a series of clips featuring the Housemates in various states of undress, having crude conversations as a group, and getting up to completely un-PG-rated shenanigans with each other, all set to “The Bad Touch” by the Bloodhound Gang.]


<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>

<CENSORED>


[Cut back to Feral on stage. She is fanning herself and the audience is cheering the clips they have just seen, but also clearly need a glass of water and a lie down.]

Feral: Well! It’s a wonder the Housemates ever provided us with enough footage to use in our regular timeslot!

[The audience laughs.]

Feral: But in any event, we’re now ready to bring our most recent evictee out on stage. Here she is, everybody; Enny!

[The audience goes crazy, cheering like madmen and evenmadderwomen. Enny walks down the gangplank and greets Feral on stage.]

Enny: Hey there! [She hugs Feral.]

Feral: Hello! How do you feel?

Enny: Amazing! This is amazing!

[The audience bursts into further fits of applause.]

Feral: Well, for an Intruder, you certainly lasted the distance! The winner of Big Blogger will be announced tonight!

Enny: Oh wow, this is so intense! I think I’m going to faint!

Feral: Well, you’ve done very well, so congratulations for making it all the way to the final da—

Enny: No, really. I’m going to faint. Must be the fact that I don’t eat anything. Or that I’ve just eaten meat for the first time in years. [She slumps over a little on the couch.]

Feral: Well, take it easy. I’ll get someone to make you a milkshake or something.

Enny: No milk.

Feral: Er, … of course not.

Enny: Phew! I’m feeling a bit better now. I think I just needed a moment. [She sits up straight again.]

Feral: Boy, you had me scared for a minute, there. Maybe you should eat more eggs or something, for protein. [Enny just looks at her.] Oh, right – no eggs. Well, anyway, I was just congratulating you on coming so far as an Intruder.

Enny: Thank you, yes.

Feral: And clearly the crowd loves you.

[The audience roars its support of all things Enny.]

Enny: [Raising her hands in triumph to the audience] Woo! Yeah!

Feral: But obviously not as much as they love the last two remaining Housemates.

[The audience cheers even more loudly than they did a moment ago, and Enny’s face drops. She quickly picks it up and puts it back on again.]

Feral: Now, ordinarily this would be the part where I told you you’ll be on Uplate with Mike Goldentonsils later tonight, but because tonight’s the Grand Finale, that won’t be happening. So you’ve been spared that little injustice.

Enny: Saints be praised!

Feral: Instead, I get to give you your prizes.

Enny: Yee-haw!

Feral: Goodness me you’re an excitable one, aren’t you!

Enny: I’m just so happy to have been a part of this great adventure, Feral.

Feral: Anyway, here are your prizes: A 450 gram can of tomatoes, diced, and a two-year-old map of Ballarat and the surrounding districts.

Enny: So pretty much any old crap you could find lying around, huh?

Feral: You got it. But that’s not all! As you made it to the final three, you get an extra prize for your troubles: An official Big Blogger scarf, as worn here by our Big Blogger Model! Come on out, Bambi!

[Bambi, the heretofore unseen, unheard and unmentioned Big Blogger Model, walks on stage wearing the official Big Blogger scarf, walks up and down the catwalk, turns on the spot to show off the scarf from all angles, and then walks back into the wings.]




Feral: As you can see, it’s abnormally long and unwieldy, causing all manner of tripping and choking hazards, I’m sure.

Enny: Yeah …

Feral: So look out for that.

Enny: Thanks. I’m … um … speechless.

Feral: Good to hear, because we don’t have time for you to make a speech. Please thank her again, ladies and gentlemen: Your Big Blogger Second Runner-Up and Evictee Number 19, Enny!

[The audience applauds and cheers as Enny waves and leaves the stage.]

Feral: Let’s cut back to the House to see how our final two Housemates are fairing.

[Cut to the House. MelbourneGirl is returning to the couch with two cups of tea. She hands one to Gav, who is too excited to drink from it. They are clearly very nervous and don’t know what to say or do.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

MelbourneGirl: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

Gav: This is it.

Big Blogger: The winner of Big Blogger 2006 will be announced in fifteen minutes.

Gav: Aww!

MelbourneGirl: This is too much! It’s so stressful! I can’t bear it.

Gav: Just relax. Not long now.

MelbourneGirl: Oh boy. I need another <BEEP>in’ cup of tea to settle my nerves.

Gav: Let me make it for you. [He gets up and walks into the kitchen.]

MelbourneGirl: [Calling after him] And fill it three-quarters of the way with whisky, will you?

[Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: Okay, well, they’re doing okay, and we know that the big announcement is only minutes away. But now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. This would have to be the most anticipated, most exciting, most ridiculously over-explained all-dancing, all-singing musical number that’s ever been written out in description-form, ever! That’s right, please welcome back to the stage your former Housemates, to perform a musical review for your entertainment pleasure! I give you … the Big Blogger 2006 Housemates!

[The audience goes wild as Feral makes her way off stage. The lights go low and smoke fills the auditorium. A hush falls over the crowd and not a sound can be heard as the seconds tick by. The suspense is building. Finally, a low hum can be heard on the edge of forever. Then a piano chord is played, and a guitar riff follows closely behind. The audience instantly recognises the tune, and excitement leads them to cheer as the familiar strains of Robbie Williams’ “Let Me Entertain You” begin to fill the auditorium. Spotlights whip around the stage, illuminating the smoke and excitement. So far no one is on stage.]

Robbie Williams: [Music track] Hell is gone and heaven's here / There's nothing left for you to fear / Shake your arse come over here / Now scream / I'm a burning effigy / Of everything I used to be / You're my rock of empathy / My dear.

[During the above lyrics, the Housemates run on stage one by one through the centre split of a large curtain at the back of the stage that depicts the Big Blogger logo. The Housemates are all dressed in wild and crazy costumes, and they dance around the stage until they’re all standing in their own little section, facing the audience. They enter in order of eviction, starting with No Dramas, then John Surname, Clokeeeey, LittleFaerieGirl, Audrey & The Bad Apples, Dxxxx, Tammiodo, Tyson, TOBYtoby, RichardWatts, Steph, Elaine, Sublime-ation, Pomgirl, Mars, Magical_M and finally Javatari, who stands centre-stage, wrapping his cape around him as the beat builds into the chorus.]

Robbie Williams: [Music track] So c’mon, let meeee-eeeee entertain you!

[Each Housemate, left to right across the stage, strikes a different individual pose in rapid-fire between the first two lines of Robbie’s chorus.]

Robbie Williams: [Music track] Let meeee-eeeee entertain you!

[Each Housemate, right to left across the stage, strikes another individual pose in rapid-fire before the next verse starts.]

Robbie Williams: [Music track] Life's too short for you to die / So grab yourself an alibi / Heaven knows your mother lied / Mon cher.

[As one, each Housemate strikes an identical pose, head down, right fist extended up in the air, left hand by their side, feet spaced shoulder-length apart. They are lit only by a spotlight directly above each of them, casting their faces in shadow and an eerie look to the group as a whole.]

Robbie Williams: [Music track] Separate your right from wrongs / Come and sing a different song / The kettle's on so don't be long / Mon cher.

[During the guitar riff that falls between the second verse and the chorus, the Housemates spring to life and run in a giant circle around the stage, ending up spread out in a straight line across the entire length of the back of the stage. They sway from side to side, clicking their right hands and miming along to the words.]

Robbie Williams: [Music track] So c’mon, let meeee-eeeee entertain you! / Let meeee-eeeee entertain you!

[The music segues into another song, the lights dim, and the Housemates freeze. We can now see each Housemate in silhouette only.]

Shania Twain: [Music track, spoken] Let’s go, girls!

[As the opening chords of “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” are played, the audience goes wild and the female Housemates walk forward from the line in time to the music and stand across the front of the stage. The male Housemates remain frozen in silhouette. As the song begins and the first two verses are played, the female Housemates mime along, pointing out at the audience and giving off a whole lotta attitude. The audience is loving it.]

Shania Twain: [Music track] I'm going out tonight / I'm feelin' alright / Gonna let it all hang out / Wanna make some noise / Really raise my voice / Yeah, I wanna scream and shout / No inhibitions / Make no conditions / Get a little outta line / I ain't gonna act politically correct / I only wanna have a good time.

[The female Housemates all run into the middle of centre stage, surrounding Magical_M who has the middle position. No Dramas and Steph get down on one knee and slide right in front of the others, while Mars and Sublime-ation lift Pomgirl and Audrey & The Bad Apples up on their shoulders. They all mime the chorus together, reveling in the attention they are getting from the delighted audience.]

Shania Twain: [Music track] The best thing about being a woman / Is the prerogative to have a little fun (fun, fun) / Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy / Forget I'm a lady / Men's shirts / Short skirts / Oh, oh, oh, really go wild / Yeah, doin' it in style / Oh, oh, oh, get in the action / Feel the attraction / Colour my hair / Do what I dare / Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free / Yeah, to feel the way I feel / Man! I feel like a woman!

[The female Housemates freeze in their final “Girl Power” pose as the song segues into another, at-first-unidentifiable song. The lights cut, and the girls run back to their positions in silhouette along the back of the stage. The boys unfreeze, and slowly make their way towards the front of the stage, moving to the beat. The audience soon recognises the song as Mötley Crüe’s “Girls, Girls, Girls”. They deliver just as much attitude as the female Housemates as they mime along in true hard rock fashion, slicking their hair back and doing their best to channel band members Vince Neil, Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx and Mick Mars.]

Vince Neil: [Music track] Friday night and I need a fight / My motorcycle and a switchblade knife / Handful of grease in my hair feels right / But what I need to make me tight are …

[The male Housemates cut fully sick, jumping around and playing air guitar and lying down on their backs and ‘crab walking’ along the stage. The audience is cheering them on, literally beside themselves with joy (it was “Bring Your Twin” night).]

Vince Neil: [Music track] Girls, Girls, Girls / Long legs and burgundy lips / Girls / Dancin' down on Sunset Strip / Girls / Red lips, fingertips.

[Clokeeeey bursts into an air guitar solo as the other male Housemates crowd around him and gaze adoringly at his magnificent playing skills. The audience lifts the game a bit by screaming for Clokeeeey like he’s a real rock star. As the air guitar solo comes to an end, the male Housemates return to their line across the front of the stage and mime to the next chorus.]

Vince Neil: [Music track] Girls, Girls, Girls / At the Dollhouse in Fort Lauderdale / Girls, Girls, Girls / Rocking in Atlanta at Tattletails / Girls, Girls, Girls / Raising Hell at the 7th Veil / Have you read the news / In the Soho Tribune / Ya know she did me / Well then she broke my heart / Girls, Girls, Girls!

[The music comes to a crashing halt as the lights go out on stage. In the darkness, the male Housemates return to the back of the stage and take up their positions in silhouette with the female Housemates. Unseen by the audience, Magical_M moves forward to centre stage, and three spotlights turn on her at once. In the same beat, she turns to the audience and mimes to a Billy Idol classic, making the audience wet itself with excitement.]

Billy Idol: [Music track] Hottt in the city / Hottt in the city tonight / Tonight!

[Magical_M dances around the stage on her own, finishing back in the centre stage spot where she grabs the men’s business shirt she’s wearing, rips it open (buttons flying everywhere) and reveals the Bonds shirt underneath. Printed on the shirt are the words: DANCE CAPTAIN. The audience roars its approval at her excellent choreography work. As the song builds to the chorus, Magical_M pulls out all manner of 80s dancing moves, suiting her get-up (which includes fluorescent pink leg warmers), and turning the audience into a frenzied mob.]

Billy Idol: [Music track] Stranger … / Stranger … / For all the dreams and schemes / People are as they seem / On a hot summer night / Don’t be no fun / Don’t forget you’re young / On a hot summer night / A sometime someone you’re not / Don’t wait to see what you got / ‘Cause you know that you’re / Hottt in the city / Hottt in the city tonight / Tonight / Don’t you know that you’re / Hottt in the city / Hottt in the city tonight / Tonight! / Tonight! / Tonight! / Hottt … hottt … hottt!

[Magical_M freezes and the spotlights cut. Immediately, on stage left, another spotlight comes on and finds Dxxxx, ready to rock. She is also wearing 80s dance fashion, and as Cyndi Lauper comes on over the sound system, Dxxxx begins to mime the words with great enthusiasm.]

Cyndi Lauper: [Music track] The phone rings in the middle of the night / My father yells "What you gonna do with your life?" / Oh, Daddy, dear / You know you're still number one / But girls / They wanna have fu-un / Oh, girls / Just wanna have …

[Dxxxx is rubbing her hands all over her body in time to the music, and despite (or perhaps because of) the nature of the song – and of Dxxxx herself – the men in the audience are cheering louder than anyone.]

Cyndi Lauper: [Music track] That's all they really want / Some fun / When the working day is done / Oh, girls / They wanna have fu-un / Oh, girls / Just wanna have fun.

[The lights cut again and Dxxxx disappears. Simultaneously, a spotlight comes on over on stage right, revealing Tyson sitting at a piano, pretending to play along with the Billy Joel song that starts playing.]

Billy Joel: [Music track] It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday / The regular crowd shuffles in / There’s an old man sitting next to me / Makin’ love to his tonic and gin / He says, “Son, can you play me a memory? / I’m not really sure how it goes / But it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete / When I wore a younger man’s clothes.”

[Then the audience joins in as Tyson reaches the really well-known part.]

Billy Joel: [Music track] La la la, de de da / La la, de de da da / Dahhhh / Sing us a song, you’re the piano man / Sing us a song tonight / Well, we’re all in the mood for a melody / And you’ve got us feelin’ alright.

[As the spotlight on Tyson disappears, we hear the sound effect of someone quickly and carelessly pulling the needle off a record. It’s the international audio symbol for “hurried and forced silence”. After a second, Björk’s voice can be heard ]

Björk: [Music track] It’s / Oh / So / Quiet.

[The lights come up on Sublime-ation, who is standing centre stage in a tiny spotlight, which only surrounds her head. For the moment, we are unable to see the rest of her. The spotlight gradually widens as she mimes to the slow-paced opening verse of the song.]

Björk: [Music track] It’s oh / So still / You’re all alone / And peaceful until …

[Just as the song goes crazy, the spotlight finishes widening and we see that Sublime-ation is wearing a fake swan as a dress, Björk-style. Sublime-ation begins to go nuts, miming to the song and staying true to its nutty singer.]

Björk: [Music track] You fall in love / Zing, boom / The sky up above / Zing, boom / Is caving in / Wow, bam! / You've never been so nuts about a guy / You wanna laugh you wanna cry / You cross your heart and hope to die!

[At this point, Sublime-ation steps in front of a backdrop, made to look like a park or backyard. There is grass all around and a fake tree in the middle of the very realistic-looking painting. Stepping behind a curtain for a second, she re-appears wearing a green T-shirt and long blue floral skirt, is handed a piano accordion, and begins to play. Lo-and-behold, Sublime-ation’s pet goat appears from side stage, and joins her for the rest of the number. The goat, “Nanny”, is a black goat that wears a black T-shirt, and stands up on its hind legs as Sublime-ation continues to play and mime along to the Björk song.]

Björk: [Music track] 'Til it's over and then / It's nice and quiet / But soon again / Starts another big riot / You blow a fuse / Zing, boom / The devil cuts loose / Zing, boom / So what's the use / Wow, bam! / Of falling in love?

[The spotlight on Sublime-ation and Nanny goes out, and the backdrop is removed in the darkness. The next song is played, and the lyrics have been specially re-recorded for the performance given by LittleFaerieGirl, who appears dressed in a fairy outfit, complete with wings and a wand. She tiptoes around the stage, pointing her wand at members of the audience as she passes them. Aqua’s most famous track plays overhead as she mimes along.]

Lene: [Music track] I'm a Faerie Girl, in the Faerie world / Life in dresses / Breath compresses / You can touch my wings / Be careful, though, it stings / Imagination / Life is your creation.

Rene: [Music track] Come on Faerie, let's go scary!

[The songs then moves into a dance beat without lyrics for a time. Attached to transparent wires, LittleFaerieGirl surprises the audience by being lifted up into the air above their heads and soaring around the auditorium to the gasps and applause of the crowd. She is lifted up and twisted around and around in the empty space of the auditorium, before alighting once more on the stage in time for her final chorus.]

Lene: [Music track] I'm a Faerie Girl, in the Faerie world / Magic wands, and / Frogs in ponds, and / You can make a wish / I’ll grant it really swish-ly / Sick of singing / Sad about not winning.

Rene: [Music track] Come on Faerie, you don’t care-y!

Lene: [Music track, spoken] Oh, I hate you, Ken.

[The spotlight disappears and the crowd goes wild. Ween’s “Push Th’ Little Daisies” is heard, and TOBYtoby strides into the spotlight, his hair plastered over his face and acting (?) like he’s high on marijuana. Miming perfectly to the screeched lyrics, he staggers around the stage to the delight of the crowd.]

Dean Ween: [Music track] When you lie, kiss your baby bye, bye, bye / And if you're true, the whole wide world will laugh with you / When we see nothing's wrong with you and me / Time will tell, it might even bring a wedding bell.

[TOBYtoby falls to his knees and holds his head in his hands as he continues. The audience loves this. It’s so alternative rock.]

Dean Ween: [Music track] If you think that I'm a loser / Well you suck, 'cause you know I ain't nothin' but a user / Of your love I can't get enough / Girl it's true, the whole wide world is smiling with you.

[Standing up again, TOBYtoby puts his everything into bounding around the stage to the familiar chorus. He darts from one end to the other, no doubt tiring himself out, but being 100% committed to the performance. What a trooper.]

Dean Ween: [Music track] Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up / Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up / Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up / Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up.

[TOBYtoby collapses onto the stage – which is hopefully part of the act – and the spotlight immediately streaks across the stage to capture Audrey & The Bad Apples. She’s dressed in tight black hot pants and a tight red blouse – all made of leather. Her hair is teased out and looking very ‘80s glam’. The familiar rock beat warns Warrant fans that perhaps their most famous song is about to be played. Instead of miming the words, Audrey is the subject of the song, as Warrant has kindly re-recorded the piece for the Big Blogger Grand Finale.]

Jani Lane: [Music track] She’s my apple pie / Cool drink of water / Such a sweet surprise / Tastes so good / Make a grown man cry / Sweet apple pie / Oh yeah! / She’s my apple pie / Put a smile on your face / Ten miles wide / Looks so good / Bring a tear to your eye / Sweet apple pie.

[Audrey & The Bad Apples dances around like a pole dancer, kick her legs high in the air, dipping her head and swinging her hair around and around and around, writhing her body in time to the beat and enjoying herself no end.]

Jani Lane: [Music track] I scream, you scream / We all scream for her / Don't even try, 'cause / You can't ignore her / She’s my apple pie / Cool drink of water / Such a sweet surprise / Tastes so good / Make a grown man cry / Sweet apple pie / Oh yeah! / She’s my apple pie / Put a smile on your face / Ten miles wide / Looks so good / Bring a tear to your eye / Sweet apple pie / Sweet apple pie / Swing it!

[Audrey & The Bad Apples ends her dance by doing the splits, and the crowd goes wild. The next song to start up is slow by comparison, and No Dramas emerges from the darkness dressed as a punk schoolgirl. The reason for this quickly becomes apparent when the music to “Voodoo Child” by The Rogue Traders starts to blare through the auditorium, and No Dramas begins to move around like Natalie Bassingthwaighte – which is quite a sight, I assure you!]

Natalie Bassingthwaighte: [Music track] Baby, baby, baby / You are my voodoo child / My voodoo child / Don't say maybe, maybe / It's supernatural / I'm coming undone?

[No Dramas start gyrating her hips in a way that once got Elvis Presley in so much trouble, and then walks the full length of the stage, from left to right, while making ‘naughty’ eyes at the audience. For their part, they’re loving it.]

Natalie Bassingthwaighte: [Music track] So here it comes / The sound of drums / Here comes the drums / Here comes the drums? / Baby, baby, baby / You are my voodoo child / My voodoo child / Don't say maybe, maybe / It's supernatural / I'm coming undone?

[No Dramas removes her necktie and swings it around and around her head, eventually throwing it into the audience as she finishes her performance.]

Natalie Bassingthwaighte: [Music track] Baby, baby, baby / You are my voodoo child / My voodoo child / Don't say maybe, maybe / It's supernatural / I'm coming undone? / Baby, baby, baby / You are my voodoo child / My voodoo child / Don't say maybe, maybe / It's supernatural / I'm coming undone?

[The lights cut out again, and this time it stays dark while the next song begins. The audience isn’t sure where it should be looking, so they strain their necks looking about the place, trying to see if they’re missing something. Over the sound system comes the music and lyrics to John Farnham’s “Don’t You Know It’s Magic?”, but there is still no one visible performing the piece.]

John Farnham: [Music track] Don't you know it's magic? / Ah baby, it's magic / Look in her eyes they're a little bit hazy / Paradise coming to a sweet little lady.

[Suddenly the stage is filled with every light in the place. The effect is so bright, particularly after thirty seconds of complete darkness, that the audience has to sheild its eyes from the blinding light. After a moment, they peer out from between their fingers to see Javatari, floating in mid air above centre stage, miming to the words as the other Housemates stand in their positions across the back of the stage … although they appear to be genuinely surprised.]

John Farnham: [Music track] Well don't you know it's magic? / Oh baby, it's magic / Magic carpet ride for a woman in love / Don't you know it's magic? / Ah baby, it's magic / Look in her eyes they're a little bit hazy / Paradise coming to a sweet little lady.

[The audience isn’t too impressed by this latest effect from Javatari. After all, LittleFaerieGirl has already performed this same trick just a few minutes earlier. But suddenly Javatari floats backwards until he is hovering over the other Housemates, and he sprinkles some kind of glittery dust over each of them, then uses his hands to command them to rise. Startled beyond belief, each of them begins to float up in the air and form a single line behind Javatari, who then flies out above the crowd and ‘swims’ a figure eight through the air. The other Housemates, as if against their will or control, follow him in single file. It is obvious by their reactions that this was not rehearsed and is a genuine trick. The audience starts to realise what a spectacular event they’re witnessing, and begin to cheer Javatari while he mimes to the song.]

John Farnham: [Music track] Don't you know it's magic? / Ah baby, it's magic / Look in her eyes they're a little bit hazy / Paradise coming to a sweet little lady.

[Javatari and the other Housemates land on the stage safely, and in formation. All except for John Surname, whose landing is somewhat ‘bumpy’, due to coming down to the ground head first. The song finishes and the crowd goes crazy applauding for Javatari. The lights go out except for one spotlight, which is centred on Pomgirl. Now fully composed again, she slowly walks forward to the strains of Patsy Cline’s “Crazy”.]

Patsy Cline: [Music track] Crazy / I’m crazy for feeling so lonely / I’m crazy / Crazy for feeling so blue / I knew / You’d love me as long as you wanted / And then someday / You’d leave me for somebody new.

[As Pomgirl reaches the front of the stage, she pulls a jar of Vegemite out of her pocket, unscrews the lid, and begins to put dabs of it on her nose and cheeks.]

Patsy Cline: [Music track] Worry? / Why do I let myself worry? / Wond'ring / What in the world did I do? / Crazy / For thinking that my love could hold you / I'm crazy for trying / And crazy for crying / And I'm crazy for loving you.

[By now she has coated so much Vegemite on her face that her skin is visibly starting to redden around the edges of the stuff. It really does sting the skin, folks – don’t try this at home. Pomgirl is an experienced crazy woman.]

Patsy Cline: [Music track] Crazy / For thinking that my love could hold you / I'm crazy for trying / And crazy for crying / And I'm crazy for loving you.

[As the final section of the piano music is played out, Pomgirl turns around and slowly walks back to her place at the back of the stage. The lights cut out and then a heap of different coloured spotlights come on, roving around and around on the stage while RichardWatts dances about, dressed like Peter Allen in his multi-coloured flamenco dancer costume, shaking a pair of maracas and sporting a massive grin.]

Martha Wash: [Music track] Humidity is rising / Barometer's getting low / According to all sources / The street's the place to go / ‘Cause tonight for the first time / Just about half-past ten (half-past ten) / For the first time in history / It's gonna start raining men …

[RichardWatts spins on the spot and is joined on stage by a chorus line of buff young men, five on each side of him, who all join hands and perform can-can kicks with him. All they are wearing are black bow ties, white jocks and black dancing shoes. A true professional, RichardWatts keeps his eyes on the audience, his gigantic smile in no fear of fading anytime soon.]

Martha Wash: [Music track] It's raining men! / Hallelujah! / It's raining men! / Amen! / I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get / Absolutely soaking wet! / It's raining men! / Hallelujah! / It's raining men! / Every specimen! / Tall, blonde, dark and lean / Rough and tough and strong and mean.

[The dancing boys run off stage as RichardWatts continues to perform high kicks on his own, all the while grinning like a Cheshire cat with a fresh saucer of milk – although that’s a poor analogy, because as a species, cats are lactose intolerant and should be never be given any kind of dairy product. Just like Enny.]

Martha Wash: [Music track] It's raining men! / Hallelujah! / It's raining men! / Amen! / I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get / Absolutely soaking wet! / It's raining men! / Hallelujah! / It's raining men! / Every specimen! / Tall, blonde, dark and lean / Rough and tough and strong and mean.

[The lights go out and RichardWatts disappears amidst rapturous applause and wolf-whistles. A drumming and trumpeting effect can be heard in the gap that follows, which slowly builds into a operetta-style crescendo, picking up the musical thread of Gilbert & Sullivan’s “Pirates of Penzance”. Naturally, Elaine appears dressed in full pirate gear, brandishing a sword and singing the newly-modified lyrics to perhaps the best-known pirate song in the world.]

Elaine: Oh, better far to live and die / Under the brave black flag I fly / Than play a sanctimonious part / With a pirate head and a pirate heart / Away to the cheating world go you / Where pirates all are well-to-do / But I’ll be true to the song I scream / And live and die a Pirate Queen.

[The lights come up on stage to reveal the other Housemates, now all wearing a bandana and/or an eye-patch, standing alongside Elaine and joining in the song.]

Elaine: For I am a Pirate Queen! / And it is, it is, a thing to be seen / To be a Pirate Queen! / For I am a Pirate Queen!

Housemates: You are! Hurrah for the Pirate Queen!

Elaine: And it is, it is, a thing to be seen / To be a Pirate Queen.

Housemate: It is! / Hurrah for the Pirate Queen / Hurrah for the Pi-raaaaaaaaate … Queen!

[On the final flourish of the number, Elaine swings her sword at the nearby Housemates, most of whom duck out of the way. Only John Surname is unmoved. Elaine’s sword swipes by his ear so deftly that it removes his eye-patch without harming him. The other Housemates fall into darkness as a single spotlight is trained on John Surname, and he steps forward to the beat of the Split Enz classic song, “Six Months In A Leaky Boat”, only this song has also been specially re-recorded for the Big Blogger Grand Finale.]

Tim & Neil Finn: [Music track] When I was a young boy / I wanted to sail 'round the world / That's the life for me / Living on the sea / Spirit of a sailor / Circumnavigates the globe / The lust of a pioneer / Will acknowledge no frontier / I remember you by / Thunderclap in the sky / Lightning flash, tempers flare / 'Round the horn if you dare / I just spent six days in an online House / Staying quiet’r than a mouse / Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

[John Surname moves around the stage like a graceful swan (although not the same one Sublime-ation was wearing earlier), and mesmerises the audience with his truly addictive and sensitive approach to the piece. He dances “artistically” for a full minute before finally bowing to the astonished crowd who had no idea he was so versatile of nature and flexible of groin. In the pause that follows, the spotlight lingers on an empty section of the stage for a moment before Tammiodo slides into the light and the theme song for “The Smurfs” starts up and she begins to prance around the stage like a loon. The crowd is laughing and cheering this unexpected turn of events.]

The Smurfs: [Music track] La la la la la la / Sing a happy song / La la la la la la / Smurf the whole day long / Next time you’re feeling blue / Just let a smile begin / Happy things will come to you.

Smurfette: [Music track, spoken] So Smurf yourself a grin!

Gargamel: [Music track, spoken] Oooo, I hate Smurfs! I’ll get you, I’ll get all of you! If it’s the last thing I ever do! He he he he haaa!

The Smurfs: [Music track] La la la la la la / Now you know the tune / You’ll be Smurfing soon!

[As the music comes to an end, Tammiodo stops moving, looks offstage to her right, and demands angrily:]

Tammiodo: Is that it?! That’s all I get? What do the <BEEP>in’ Smurfs have to do with anything??!

[After a second’s thought, new music starts up instead. Recognising it as Wolfmother’s “Woman”, Tammiodo smiles to herself and begins to rock out. The audience joins her.]

Andrew Stockdale: [Music track] Woman / You know you / Woman / You gotta be / Woman / I've got to feeling alone / When you're talking to me, see right through me / I've got to feeling alone.

[Tammiodo begins to head-bang on the spot. The crowd goes wild.]

Andrew Stockdale: [Music track] She's a woman, you know what I mean / You better listen, listen to me / She's gonna set you free / Oh, oh, yeah …

[The beat goes nuts and Tammiodo follows close behind. Eventually the beat slows down and the lights fade out on Tammiodo, picking up on Mars instead, as the song segues into “Superfreak” by Rick James. Mars has teased her hair into a giant afro, mimicking Bobby Flynn from Australian Idol for some reason. Thankfully her rendition of the song and her dance moves don’t also mimic Bobby’s version of the song. She runs from one end of the stage across to the other, high-fiving the front row of the audience as she speeds past them. Then she turns around and runs all the way back again, reacting to the song as if it’s about her, and waving her arms around above her head like she’s on fire.]

Rick James: [Music track] She's a very kinky girl / The kind you don't take home to mother / She will never let your spirits down / Once you get her off the street / That girl is pretty wild now / The girl's a super freak / The kind of girl you read about / In new-wave magazine / That girl is pretty kinky / The girl's a super freak / I really love to taste her / Every time we meet / She's all right, she's all right / That girl's all right with me, yeah / She's a super freak, super freak / She's super-freaky, yow / Super freak, super freak!

[Mars finishes her altogether-too-crude dance moves for me to describe in detail here, and the audience applauds and cheers for more. Insatiable grubs. But as the lights fade on Mars, a spotlight comes up on centre stage. No one is in it, but the roar of a motorbike can be heard. It revs once, twice, three times, then suddenly Clokeeeey enters the arena from the back of the audience section, and drives a Harley Davidson motorcycle down the gangplank and into the spotlight. He is wearing a black leather jacket, dark sunglasses, white Bonds shirt and blue denim jeans. His hair is greased back and he is brimming with attitude. It’s unclear whether he’s trying to be James Dean from Rebel Without A Cause or John Travolta from Grease. Either way, the girls in the audience are swooning and the guys in the audience are cheering him on. The familiar beat from Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing” is played, and Clokeeeey parks and gets off the motorcycle. Although he doesn’t mime to the words, he struts up and down the front of the stage area, flicking his collar up and scowling at the audience. The place is dissolving into cheers and catcalls. A pair of granny-sized knickers lands on the stage near his feet, but he ignores them.]

Jimi Hendrix: [Music track] Wild thing / You make my heart sing / You make everything … groovy / C’mon, wild thing.

[The crowd continues to scream like it's in labour, as Clokeeeey strides up and down the stage, combing his hair, ruffling his leather jacket, putting his hands in his pockets and pouting at the audience.]

Jimi Hendrix: [Music track] Wild thing / You make my heart sing / You make everything … groovy / Yeah, wild thing / Yeah, wild thing / Yeah, yeah, wild thing / Yeah, yeah, yeah, wild thing / Oh, sock it to me / Wild thing!

[As the final strains of the song die away, Clokeeeey mounts the motorcycle again, and with one casual glance at the crowd, speeds it offstage into the wings while the audience goes hysterical. The music quickly segues into “Devil Woman” by Cliff Richard, and every spotlight in the place centres on Steph, wearing a slinky red cocktail dress, a la Jessica Rabbit, leaning up against the proscenium arch on the opposite side of the stage to where Clokeeeey has no doubt crashed the Harley backstage by now. Looking like a seductress in heat, Steph slinks her way front and centre from the side of the stage, taking great care to make every step a heart-stopper.]

Cliff Richard: [Music track] She's just a devil woman / With evil on her mind / Beware the devil woman / She's gonna get you! / She's just a devil woman / With evil on her mind / Beware the devil woman / She's gonna get you from behind …

[While the audience is transfixed by her powers of commanding attention, Steph slowly removes the elbow-length red glove from her right arm and drops it into the front row of the audience. Three men and one woman break into a fight over who gets to keep it and Steph casually strolls further along the row before removing the elbow-length red glove from her left arm and wrapping it around the neck of one lucky guy a few seats up from the melee. He gulps, wide-eyed, and is elbowed sharply in the ribs by his wife.]

Cliff Richard: [Music track] She's just a devil woman / With evil on her mind / Beware the devil woman / She's gonna get you! / She's just a devil woman / With evil on her mind / Beware the devil woman / She's gonna get you …

[Steph blows a kiss at the audience, turns her back on them, and promptly marches back to her place in the line-up across the back of the stage. Clokeeeey also resumes his original position, and for a moment all seventeen former Housemates are in their silhouette poses. Then the stage lights all come on again, and a new, upbeat song begins. Enny, now dressed as a Vegas showgirl, is led to the centre stage position by the Ninja, who points to the precise middle of the stage and departs. Looking a little bewildered and flummoxed, Enny has trouble looking down because of her giant, bright yellow, feathery headwear. Her matching bright yellow leotard is covered in sequins and her make-up is as loud and gaudy as her costume. The other Housemates surround her and they all start singing along with the famous Sister Sledge recording to finish their group performance arm-in-arm.]

Sister Sledge: [Music track] We are family / I got all my sisters with me / We are family / Get up, ev’rybody, and SING!

[The audience can sense that this is the big finish, so they begin to clap along in time to the beat. While the music continues and the former Housemates are having the time of their lives up there on stage, we cut to the House and see MelbourneGirl and Gav watching the performance on screen, laughing and clapping along with the crowd. Their eyes are sparkling as if they’ve been laughing their arses off for the past ten minutes … which, of course, they have. Cut back to the stage. The former Housemates are miming the words to the verse as they smile and wave to the audience and to the cameras.]

Sister Sledge: [Music track] Ev'ryone can see we're together / As we walk on by / FLY! / And we fly just like birds of a feather / I won't tell no lie / ALL! / All of the people around us they say / Can they be that close? Just let me state for the record / We're giving love in a family dose.

[The music picks up at this point, the lighting starts going super-fast, and the crowd lifts its volume to match the final part of the song. The Housemates continue to pop and bounce to the beat, smiling and laughing as they mime to the words.]

Sister Sledge: [Music track] We are family / I got all my sisters with me / We are family / Get up, ev’rybody, and SING! / We are family / I got all my sisters with me / We are family / Get up, ev’rybody, and SING! / We are family / I got all my sisters with me / We are family / Get up, ev’rybody, and SING!

[There is a sudden explosion of light and sound as the song finally comes to a complete stop. The Housemates freeze in their final pose, arms extended up in the air and smiles on their faces that appear to be as wide as the ocean. The crowd is going absolutely bonkers with cheering and applause, and we briefly cut away to the House and see that Gav and MelbourneGirl are also on their feet, applauding and cheering in the lounge. We cut back to the stage and see a delighted Feral approaching the group of former Housemates with her microphone.]

Feral: That was amazing! What a performance!

[The crowd continues to cheer. Eventually they quieten down and the former Housemates stand in a group, their arms around each other as they glorify in the adulation of the crowd and the world.]

Feral: I especially like that you started off with “Let Me Entertain You”, and you certainly delivered!

RichardWatts: I kissed Robbie Williams once, you know!

No Dramas: Who hasn’t!

Feral: That’s amazing. Each of you performed so well! And even Enny had a brief appearance!

Enny: I had no idea what was going on. I was dressed in that outfit and told to stand in the middle of the stage singing along to the words!

Steph: You did a great job, sweetie.

TOBYtoby: Absolutely.

Enny: Thanks.

[The crowd roars its approval.]

Feral: Why don’t we see what your two harshest critics thought?

[Cut to the House, where MelbourneGirl and Gav are still watching the proceedings on their TV screen. When they see themselves appear on the screen, their eyes light up.]

Gav: Hey! It’s us!

MelbourneGirl: Woo-hoo!

Feral: Hello, House.

MelbourneGirl: Hi Feral!

Gav: Hello!

Feral: What did you think of your former Housemates’ performance?

MelbourneGirl: Wow, that was <BEEP>in’ excellent!

[The former Housemates and the audience all laugh at MelbourneGirl’s frankness.]

Gav: It was just awesome, guys. So hysterical. Well done.

MelbourneGirl: Sweetie, you were gorgeous! I can’t WAIT to get out there and kiss you!

[Pause.]

Feral: I think she’s talking to you, Clokeeeey.

Clokeeeey: Oh! I wasn’t sure who she was talking to!

[Everyone laughs.]

MelbourneGirl: You idiot!

Clokeeeey: I’ve missed you, too, darling. We’ll see you soon!

Feral: Yes you will, because the Big Blogger Winner will be announced in just two minutes. [The audience responds with its obligatory ”Ooooooooooh!”] Is there anything else any of you want to say before we head into it?

Steph: Gav, honey, I’m so sorry!

Gav: Aw, I love you, Steph!

[The audience responds with its sickening “Awwwwwwww!”]

Feral: That’s lovely! But enough of that. Former Housemates, you have to leave the stage now so we can prepare for the big announcement. [The audience cheers as the former Housemates file offstage and the lights are brought down low again – for a more intimate setting, doncha know.]

Feral: Alright, no matter what happens next, I want you both to know that you’ve each been incredible Housemates and given this game so much joy and excitement.

[Cut to the House.]

MelbourneGirl: Thanks, Feral.

Gav: Cheers.

Feral: So without further ado, … can I have the envelope, please. [The Ninja hands her the Big Blogger envelope. A soft drum-roll is played.] And the winner of Big Blogger 2006 … is … [The camera pans from MelbourneGirl to Gav.] … Adam!

[The audience gasps. The Housemates reacts in shock and surprise.]

Feral: Hang on a minute. Who’s Adam when he’s at home? What is this?

[The Ninja comes on stage, bounding in excitement, his fists raised in the air in triumph.]

Ninja: Yay! Yeah! Yay! I won! I won! Woo-hoo!

Feral: You didn’t win anything, you chump. You wrote this on here yourself. The real name’s been crossed out and you wrote your own name above it.

Ninja: That counts, doesn’t it?

Feral: No it doesn’t. Especially when you’ve written your name here in crayon.

[The Ninja looks dejected.]

Feral: And there are two “A”s in “Adam”, you moron.

[The Ninja looks like he’s been kicked in the guts. He turns and walks slowly off stage, his head hanging low. The audience laughs at his sorrow and misfortune.]

Feral: [Using a handkerchief to wipe the crayon off the card in her hand] Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. [To the Housemates] Sorry about that, guys. I’ll be with you in a moment.

[Cut to Gav and MelbourneGirl sitting on the couch, holding each others’ hands and looking even more nervous than before.]

Gav: [Whispering] This is crazy!

MelbourneGirl: I think I’m gonna be <BEEP>in’ sick!

Feral: Okay, I’ve wiped off all the crayon, now, so we can announce the winner at long last. [The drum-roll begins again.] The winner of Big Blogger 2006 … is … [The camera pans from MelbourneGirl to Gav and back again.] … Gav!

[The audience cheers for the winner and MelbourneGirl immediately hugs a very stunned-looking Gav.]

MelbourneGirl: [Above the roar of the crowd] Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!

Gav: Oh, man …

MelbourneGirl: Wheeee! Well done! Hooray! [She hugs him again, but he is still in shock and is non-responsive.] You deserve it, you really do.

Gav: I can’t believe it …

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. MelbourneGirl. You have been avicted. You have ten seconds to leave the House.

MelbourneGirl: Oh boy, I get to see Clokeeeey again!

Gav: [Finally coming to his senses] Oh, man – I’m so sorry, MG!

MelbourneGirl: Don’t be silly; I’m really, really happy for you. Well done! [She hugs him again, and this time he hugs her back.]

Gav: I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.

MelbourneGirl: Shh!

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. MelbourneGirl, you have been avicted. You must leave the House ammediately.

MelbourneGirl: Okay, here I go. [She hugs Gav one last time.]

Gav: I can’t believe this.

MelbourneGirl: You’re gonna have a great time tonight.

Gav: Oh, so are you!

[MelbourneGirl walks up to the Diary Room door and steps through the doorway. The door closes behind her, while Gav waves and smiles. When the door has closed, we see Gav sit down on the couch again, still very much in a daze. He put his head in his hands for a moment, then appears to hear the crowd chanting his name, which we can hear faintly ourselves. He gets up and walks outside, listening to the audience cheering for him. Slowly, it starts to dawn on him that he’s the only person left in the Big Blogger House, where twenty Housemates once resided for four months. He screams at the sky in delight and pent-up rage, then races back into the House, running from room to room, jumping on beds, throwing cushions at the walls, running in circles around and around the dining table, and generally having a good time rejoicing in the fact that he’s won. We watch him carry on like this for five full minutes, before crossing back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: There you have it; Gav’s our winner. But the night’s not over yet. We still have a few things to get through. We have to get Gav out here and present him with his prize, but first things first. Let’s welcome our second-place winner to the stage, MelbourneGirl!

[The audience goes crazy, cheering for MelbourneGirl as she walks down the gangplank and greets Feral on stage.]

MelbourneGirl: [Giggling like a MelbourneSchoolGirl] Oooh! I’m so excited!

Feral: Congratulations, MG – you did a great job!

[The audience roars in agreement.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh, thank you. I had a great time.

Feral: What do you think the secret was to getting so far through the game without being evicted?

MelbourneGirl: Oh, gosh … I dunno. Maybe probably just trying to be a friend to everybody and not taking any <BEEP> from anyone.

[The audience laughs. Swear words are funny.]

Feral: We had a theory going that it was all the cups of tea you were making everyone.

MelbourneGirl: Yeah, Magical_M said something about that, but I just think that’s silly. I make tea for all my friends.

Feral: Ah, how lovely. Now, I know you want to catch up with your family and friends, but first I have to give you your prizes.

MelbourneGirl: Oooh! Exciting!

Feral: Don’t get too excited; you haven’t heard what they are, yet.

MelbourneGirl: Oh, okay. They’re that bad, are they?

Feral: Yes.

MelbourneGirl. Oh.

Feral: And here they are! A busted padlock and a jar of beans.

MelbourneGirl: Wow, that’s … um … really …

Feral: It sure is. But that’s not everything. Because you made it to the final two, you get an extra prize to celebrate: An official Big Blogger scarf, as worn here by our Big Blogger Model! Come on out, Bambi!

[Bambi, the Big Blogger Model, walks on stage wearing the official Big Blogger scarf, walks up and down the catwalk, turns on the spot to show off the scarf from all angles, and then walks back into the wings.]

Feral: And as you can see, it’s abnormally long and unwieldy, which is perfect for causing all kinds of tripping and choking hazards.

MelbourneGirl: Wonderful.

Feral: Now, there’s just one more thing. Where is he?

[Suddenly, Clokeeeey runs in from the side of the stage and races towards MelbourneGirl. Seeing him coming, MelbourneGirl jumps to her feet and embraces him. They hold the hug for an extremely long time, tears readily flowing down their cheeks, as the audience gives them a standing ovation.]

Clokeeeey: I’m so proud of you, honey. You did so well.

MelbourneGirl: I missed you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Clokeeeey: Reading about your exploits online was so exciting, I can’t believe you were in the final two! We’re all so proud of you. I love you, honey.

Feral: If I can just interrupt for a second? [The audience calms down as Clokeeeey and MelbourneGirl break their hug to talk to Feral.]

MelbourneGirl: Oh boy, I’m exhausted.

Clokeeeey: [Beaming] I have that affect on you, don’t I!

[The audience chortles.]

Feral: I want to make sure that you two have as much time to get reacquainted as you possibly can, so we’ll just get you to head backstage so you can talk, and we’ll get our winner up on stage.

[The audience cheers at the mention of the winner.]

Feral: Please thank her again, ladies and gentlemen: Your Big Blogger First Runner-Up and Evictee Number 20, MelbourneGirl!

[The audience remains on its feet, cheering and applauding as MelbourneGirl and Clokeeeey head for the wings.]

MelbourneGirl: [As they exit the stage] How are the kids, darling?

Clokeeeey: Oh, they’re fine. They both missed you a lot.

MelbourneGirl: Clokes, we have three children.

[A momentary look of utter panic flashes across Clokeeeey’s face as they disappear offstage.]

Feral: Alright, let’s see what Gav is doing now.

[Cut to the House, where Gav is lying spread-eagle on his back in the backyard, staring up at the stars in wonder.]

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger.

Gav: [Yelling in delirious excitement] HELLO BIG BLOGGER!

Big Blogger: Gav. Congratulations. You are the winner of Big Blogger 2006.

Gav: Woo-hoo!

Big Blogger: Please make your way to the Diary Room door for your trip to the Big Blogger stage.

[Gav stands up and begins to walk towards the House. Then he seems to get an idea, spins around, runs for the pool, and dives in, fully clothed. The audience goes into hysterics watching this act, and when Gav emerges, dripping wet, they begin a new chant for him, which they continue as he runs through the House and passes through the Diary Room door. Cut back to Feral on stage.]

Feral: My goodness! Somebody get that boy a towel! We’re gonna be slipping in puddles up here, if we’re not careful.

[The audience laughs, probably hoping that someone will break some bones.]

Feral: Well, while Gav’s making his way up here from the House, let’s take a look back at Gav’s time on Big Blogger.

[Cut to a collection of clips, being played in slow motion, showing Gav interacting with his fellow Housemates and having a great time. We see him laughing at the dining room table, sitting on the couch while the other guys jump on him “stacks on”-style, relaxing in the sauna with Steph, swimming in the pool with John Surname, telling a joke that makes everyone fall about laughing (sadly there is no sound to this), trying to explain the joke to Javatari afterwards, eating a forkful of food off TOBYtoby’s plate when he’s not looking, dressed up as The Swedish Chef falling over himself on Friday Night Live, throwing cushions across the lounge at Tyson, getting sconed in the head by a cushion thrown by Elaine, making out with Steph in the Rewards Room, basking in the sun on a deckchair in the backyard, helping Clokeeeey cook a BBQ on the patio, pulling his doona up over his head as he tries to drown out the noise of Magical_M, MelbourneGirl, Elaine, Mars, Sublime-ation, Pomgirl and Enny chattering, hugging Audrey & The Bad Apples and Dxxxx at Friday Night Live when their team got through to the next round, dancing with No Dramas and LittleFaerieGirl in the bathroom, showering alongside a very impressed RichardWatts, and saying goodbye to Tammiodo on her eviction night. We finish the video package by seeing Gav’s smiling face as he laughs at something happening off-screen. The camera fades to black.]

Feral: Presenting the Winner of Big Blogger 2006 … Gav!

[The techno beat is pumping, the audience is on its feet, cheers and chants of “Gav, Gav, Gav!” fill the air, and the camera zooms up the gangplank to meet a delighted and saturated Gav as he heads down the gangplank, high-fiving audience members he passes as he goes, and generally cheering himself on.]

Gav: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Go me! I rock! Woo-hoo!

[He reaches the end of the gangplank and is greeted by Feral on stage.]

Feral: Hi Gav, congratulations!

Gav: Thanks!

[The audience is still going crazy.]

Feral: So tell me … you’ve been in the House the longest. What’s it been like?

Gav: Oh, so incredible, Feral. Just mind-blowing. Such an experience.

Feral: Would you do it again?

Gav: Oh, hell no!

[The audience laughs and breaks up into more cheers.]

Feral: Well, you’ve done exceptionally well to outlast everyone else in that House, and it clearly means that the public loves you.

[The cheering crowd seems to back up this theory.]

Feral: And they’re not the only ones.

[Steph suddenly breaks free from the wings and runs to Gav. He jumps up and hugs her, the two of them completely lost in each other and all prior hassles forgotten. They begin to make out passionately, seemingly forgetting where they are.]

Feral: Hey, you two – cut that out! You’re on an international blog, here, remember!

Gav: [Breaking the kiss] Oh, sorry. [He and Steph sit on the couch.]

Steph: I’ve just missed him so much, Gretel.

Feral: It’s “Feral”.

Steph: Oh yeah, sorry.

Feral: So Gav, what do you plan to do with the prize money?

Gav: I have no idea how much it is.

Feral: You want to know? I’ll tell you now, if you like.

Gav: Yes please!

Feral: It’s two million dollars.

Gav: Whoa! <BEEP> <BEEP> <BEEP>!!

Steph: I know! Isn’t it great! And it’s all ours! … I mean yours.

Feral: But remember, that was before all the fines from the House were deducted, so for the first time, Big Blogger’s going to tell us the grand total remaining.

Big Blogger: This is Big Blogger. The prize money remaining from the two million dollars initially offered to the winner of Big Blogger … is … zero. [Gav, Steph and the audience react in shock at this news.] In fact, the Housemates owe Big Blogger an additional $25,000 in fines that could not be covered by the prize pool. Gav, as winner of Big Blogger, you are the one left holding the cheque, and as such, you will need to pay the outstanding $25,000 or else work it off somehow with manual labour. That is all.

Gav: [Looking even more dazed] Now I feel really sick …

Feral: Yeouch. In all these months, I never saw that coming. [Looking into the camera] Did you??

Steph: But how can … ? What about … ? But you won!

Gav: I won a debt.

Feral: [Laughing good-naturedly, because none of this really affects her] Oh, well. Live and learn, hey? Maybe next time you’re all stuck in a fake online reality TV show parody, you’ll learn not to rack up so many fines! Haha. It’s alright, though, because the prize money – or prize debt, as I guess we should call it now – isn’t the only reward you receive for winning Big Blogger.

[Gav brightens slightly.]

Steph: Oh crud.

Feral: You also receive this lovely can opener, and a cheap detective paperback.

Gav: Wow.

Feral: With the book, the final chapter’s missing, but you can probably work out whodunit for yourself.

Gav: Uh … yeah.

Feral: But there’s one more thing. Bambi!

[Bambi, the Big Blogger Model, walks on stage wearing the official Big Blogger scarf, walks up and down the catwalk, turns on the spot to show off the scarf from all angles, and then walks back into the wings.]




Feral: You also get an official Big Blogger scarf. Ridiculously and dangerously long, it’s perfect for those special occasions where you wish you could just trip over something and take an eye out.

Gav: Sounds charming.

Feral: It is. So that’s it. I hope you’ll consider the past four months worth it?

Gav: Uh …

Feral: [Taking that as a ‘yes’] Perfect! Well, all that remains is for me to announce the following. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Winner of Big Blogger 2006: Gav!

[The audience goes nuts. Gav waves and tries his best to smile. Steph half-heartedly hugs him from the side, but doesn’t appear to be too sure about things. Feral is oblivious to their discomfort.]

Feral: How about we bring all our Housemates out onto stage one last time!

[The former Housemates all reappear from the wings, congratulating Gav as they reach him.]

Feral: [Trying to call some sort of order from the massive huddle of Housemates trying to hug Gav, shake his hand and pat him on the back] Let’s all sit down on the couch. C’mon, there’s just a couple more things to go. [They all sit down on the impossibly large couch.]

Enny: [Turning to look at Javatari, puzzled, as he sits down next to her] Hey, who are you? What’s going on? This is for Housemates only.

Javatari: [Waving his hand in front of her face] Sleep!

[Enny immediately falls asleep, her head dropping down to rest on Javatari’s shoulder.]

Feral: So I just wanted to wish you all the best of luck in all your future endeavours. This whole exercise was primarily done in a bid to raise awareness of all your blogs – and this one here, too … let’s be honest! – and I hope we’ve been able to achieve that goal. Maybe now your blogs have been exposed to readers who might not otherwise have visited, and hopefully new friendships have been formed. It’s also exciting to know how some of you are already branching out in the media since becoming part of Big Blogger. For example, John Surname’s short film, which he wrote, directed, shot and edited himself, has been nominated for an Academy Award in the category for Best Short Film Written, Directed, Shot & Edited By A Uni Student 21-Years-Old Or Younger. So that’s great news.

[The audience and the other Housemates applaud his efforts.]

Feral: And remember, you can view the film for yourself by visiting his blog. It’s called Business Is Business, and I believe it’s all about what would happen if Eddie Maguire was to die – am I right, John Surname?

John Surname: Yeah, basically it’s a dark look at what could happ—

[He is cut short as Clokeeeey dives for him, grabbing him around the throat and strangling him. They fall off the back of the couch in a jumble of limbs.]

Clokeeeey: [In a murderous rage] NO ONE THREATENS TO KILL EDDIE MAGUIRE!!

[The audience laughs wholeheartedly, and MelbourneGirl jumps up to try and loosen Clokeeeey’s grip on John Surname’s neck.]

Feral: Well, that’s about all we have time for. All that remains is for me to announce that next month we’ll be launching Celebrity Big Blogger*, featuring some of the most well-known bloggers in the blogosphere who have reached some level of ‘celebrity’ status. Housemates at this point include Ms Fits, Clem Barstow, Travis Cotton, Andrew Landeryou, Zach Braff, and Bloggolympic Champion of the World, BEVIS. With a special guest appearance by Julia Zemiro.

* Not really. If anyone else wants to write this, though, just send me an email.

Feral: But for now, let's thank our 2006 Big Blogger Housemates!

AUDREY & THE BAD APPLES:

CLOKEEEEY:






DXXXX:

ELAINE:

ENNY:






GAV:






JAVATARI:






JOHN SURNAME:






LITTLEFAERIEGIRL:






MAGICAL_M:






MARS:






MELBOURNEGIRL:






NO DRAMAS:






POMGIRL:






RICHARDWATTS:






STEPH:






SUBLIME-ATION:







TAMMIODO:

TOBYTOBY:






TYSON:

Feral: And a huge thank you to each member of our amazing cast and crew. We could not have done this show without you. Particularly ...

BIG BLOGGER NINJA:

GERALD 'DITZY' FITZRYAN:

WHEE UM-AH:

MIKE GOLDENTONSILS:

FERAL KILLMEN:






AND, OF COURSE,
BIG BLOGGER HIMSELF:

Feral: We also have to thank each of you who supported this show over the past four months. Whether you read the show online or attended one of our eviction shows, it was great to take you on this journey with us. I'm Feral Killmen, and you're reading Big Blogger - where the game is well-and-truly over, and everyone's left the building. Good night!

Mike: [Voice over] Well, that’s it for me, and that’s definitely it for you. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Thanks for reading Big Blogger. I’m Mike Goldentonsils.

[Cut to the Big Blogger House, which is empty. After a moment, we hear a ‘tap tap tap’ noise and then the sound of someone trying to open a locked door.]

Big Blogger: Hey. Who locked this? Ahem. This is Big Blogger. Will someone please come and let me out of this voice-over booth. [Pause.] Hello? Anyone? [Pause.] Seriously, people. This is not funny. [Pause.] Can anybody hear me out there? I can’t unlock this door from the inside. Hey! Hello?! Help! This is Big Blogger! I’m not asking for much; just for someone to open this <BEEP>ing door! That is all!

[Theme music: "Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, DUM!"]

Mike: [Voice over] Big Blogger is brought to you by InYourDreamsWorld; the home of Big Blogger.

* * *


.